MaSafeHavenofTruth

Rare or not.

2011-09-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that wonders what you’re doing
Constantly, consistently, at every hour of each day
I find my thoughts drifting to you, wondering if its got any resemblance to yours
Each hour.

There is a part of me that extrapolates things
Most especially, the feelings associated with love
I find myself living it before it comes, often too fast that I wear it out before its lived
Every time.

Another part of me wishes that you were real
So real in fact, that you were just who you tell me you are
I find myself wondering about the possibility that you are some undercover Casanova
Every day.

A strong part of me wishes we could be “it”
That you’d tell me the words I know better than to force out of you
I find myself wondering if that day would come, and if it didn’t, how silly and wasteful all these would’ve been
Because quite frankly, you’re a find piece
And so rare in fact, that I know I should keep you here
But I’d be silly if I had not learnt by now,
That rare or not, whatever isn’t mine, would not ever stay.

2337h September 19 2011

A new pair of specs

2011-09-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget
That you are a reminder to me
That I am not a mere commodity
To be taken for granted.
I forget that there is a lot in each human interaction
And so much more in ours
Because you are a sticky for me
To note, remember, that although I know myself each day
See myself each day
Live me each day
I really should not forget
That I am still one great, strong piece of work.
The words you tell me often bother me
Too many times, I thought
How many more times will you tell me I am awesome
You’re an awesome woman, homegrown
And I blush, and cringe
Because though flatering to hear
It becomes difficult to believe
That a person I have known all my life
Can be this great
That I can truly be a gem worth treasuring
That I could have truly, slept on myself
It is shameful, really
But I need your eyes, I need to see me the way you see me.
That may be the purpose of you being here
And really, If for nothing else,
I at the very least, thank you for bringing me this.

Sept 20 5:54pm

Almond-milk-cream Cheesecakes

2011-09-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

I smile at the wind as it blows
And once it stops I keep smiling still
Caught up in thoughts of crimson bluish greens
Turquoise coloured peanut butter mists
I smile thinking of cheese and chocolate soy milk
Lips draw apart, open to smile
Almond milk cream cheesecakes

I can talk for days about the things that make me smile
Graduation, walking up to the call of my name
The pride I get when I realize this chapter is over
Yet
Knowing that a new book opens still.
I smile thinking of the cheerleaders that’d be there
And of knowing that these folks could not keep me here

I smile at the thought of you being there
Being in your presence and smiling…the look on your face
That there. That look. The one that wonders what it is I’m thinking.
The look of your curiosity of my thoughts.
I smile, thinking of that.
In fact, these days, that and the thought of your gentle ways
Is really, what keeps boredom at bay.
It is what excites me. Keeps me from screaming out.

Here's To Hoping

2011-09-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

There was a point when you got me
Had me
Holding on thight while you loosely
Loosely wooed me
I can truly say that I loved you
I can attest to these feelings too
Its true
What was doesn’t always remain
Things change
I’m glad they do.

On an average day, I’d think you up
Waiting patiently for you to profess your love for me
And you would too
Tell me I’m beautiful
That no one else would do
I remember,
I hope you do too

We’d meet on poetry street
I’d dedicate lines to you and me
To us, everything was real
I was your ideal and you, were my crazy twin
Remember what we used to be?
Your mother loved me, she’d always say I was it
But nothing in this world stays the same
Your level of respect for me, changed
I gave in, to everything
Would give, to get a chance to be with you
I remember you started to be untrue
Began thinking that I could never live without you
Began daring me in the ways that you acted
Hey, you know the measure of your masculinity
Isn’t in the number of the women he chooses
Yes, you were amazing, but is that some news?

Slowly, your pride began to divide us
One hell of an erosion, forced us to part
I’d cry, beg you to speak to me
Just so we’d last.

I had called you my joy
And with you gone, where was I to find a smile?

Depressed, upset, and angry
Sadness became a frequent friend to me
You’d string me, like some dolly
A puppet at a show that was yours to control
You made criticisms of your ideal
You eventually, strengthened me enough,
To leave.

So, stop, please.
I have not forgotten
My memory works well.
I remember, eee-verrr-yyy-thing.

The mistake I made with you wasn’t in loving you
It was in thinking you were even worthy of my love for you
Truth is,
There are many men who do not know what love is
When it hits them, they find reasons to sabotage it

Listen to me.
I am loving again
And your emailing attempts to get me to remain friends, are nothing short of ridiculous
You! Are ridiculous.
Its enough.

Stop emailing me, telling me you were sorry
Well OF COURSE, you’re sorry
Just as you should.
I am too, that I ever tried to give you something you really had no business fucking wid

Still, I hope you found love
And if not, I hope it chases you down, tackles you to the ground and romances your brains out
I hope love loves you to your last breath
I hope it pleasures your soul
Till you rain on yourself
I hope it loves you, I do
Because having found love after you,
I cant imagine ever wishing on even my worst enemy,
That you don’t ever get to feel …this kind of love…that I feel for him.

1:17 ppm September 28, 2011

Set me free.

2011-09-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I am awake at 2:34am, unable to sleep.
Unable to reach satiety from today’s experiences, I find myself lying bed, awake, hoping for some more.
You are slowly, yet quickly, becoming my newest obsession and I dare not deny that I have been here before.
I have a few times, tapped rapidly on the pause button to get myself to come back within, to my thoughts, to self, to rational self, where I am able to confirm to myself, that really, I don’t want to rush this.
But my blood races too fast for this 10miles per hour pace we’re walking. It does 60 on a 40. My desires, are even faster.
You may not know it, but on so many thoughts, I have undressed you. I have had you in my favourite ways, and I see in it your eyes that you are deeply, deeply in-to me.
The lights are off after dark but I see your eyes in the moonlight. You lower yourself onto me…your shirt on, buttons …undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, and give them back to m…undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, holding them within you… my fingers knead your back, and you handle me, lovingly, and let our sounds resonate into the air. You are set free.
I am ready.
On you, I am made queen. Leading you into my queendom, I give you a slow but steady tour. The dark encircles us, and for some reason, this is where I often stop.
So you see, my dear, I am yet to come with you. I am yet to be free.
I want you to finish what we started.
So I find myself wishing, several moments through the day, that I had taken the chance when I had it.

3:02am September 20/11

Pony Ride

2011-09-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

I observed your twists, watched your silhouette form as you blocked out the moon
Watched it reappear behind you
Began to love seeing it disappear behind you
As I winced in pain
Began to crave it still
Though the pain was excruciating
Watching you ride on
Watching you
Craving you
You took me for a ride, you
Though I cried, you rode on still
Long enough
Hard enough
I just couldn’t, satisfy you
You reached over, and in the dark, feeling on my sheets
You grabbed her
And suddenly, I realized
I wish it did not take me so long
I wish I had known what I knew all along
I realized then
You are not the god I thought you’d be
Amongst the lowest of the low
Beneath the ground, underneath the earth
Crawling with the worms, though underserving of that
You wore the devil’s shell ever so well
Deceit at it’s best
You acted out the god I needed then
One hell of a mirage
Shatan was this man.

So on this day as I move through my daily routine
Washing the dishes, and fixing the holes in my walls
I realize, that I changed on the avenue that is you
I did, I changed, I did
Something within me was made anew
Something dark, deceitful, and blue
I remember your apology you sent me
It took you years to see the wrong you were?
You’re sorry for fuckin the friendship up
I simply shook my head
I mean… after so many years
You still were in denial
And you weren’t about to deceive me once more
That that was a friendship
Because that is one thing you never took from me
I still know what a friend should be.

But the sun is out today
And the trees are begging in your name
Asking for a new breeze to be let through
The birds are chirping new songs
Nothing familiar; all new
And my face is dry, no more streaming
I am healed, the wounds are scars
I can speak your name without hate
I can sleep without dreaming everyday of the numerous ways you could be found dead at the street corner
Do you understand?
Somewhere along the way
I had stopped wondering what could have been
See,
Life took over
Time pulled me through
Somewhere along the way
I had forgiven you.

Sept 9, 2011

Miss E. Ducated.

2011-09-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

The body is a student
Forever learning what we teach it
Be it knowingly
When we set out to let it learn
Or unbeknownst

I know the feeling
I feel the feeling
I see it coming
Like its already here
But hidden
So tell me, what exactly, are you hiding?

What am I about to hear
My heart asks “when will you tell me”
I don’t want to go on this trip
Playing hide and seek all through
You can just let me know
So I can gently, let go

It don’t even hurt anymore
The last time, I didn’t even get angry
The other time, I didn’t even cry
I remember the fool wanted to trip
You should’ve seen himHe started yelling in his desperate attempt
Tried flipping the script
But I tell you this
Since the beginning of time
Not one man on earth
Has ever been right, while wrong

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
A light bulb stays lit at my temple
Constantly getting new ideas
Of what the finding could be
Always worried, anxious
Like something is about to happen
I remember Yolanda’s story
Saintiah, Biola, Debra… these folks taught me
It really isn’t you, its human nature, I guess
It’s the order of things
The order is within you, within me
A timing on my heart’s clock, is set

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
Like something is about to happen
I don’t remember all the lies ever told to me
But my heart knows the feeling
I feel less pain with each lie
But my mind is forever changed
I find myself inquiring on things that aren’t necessarily there
But knowing that they aren’t there is scary
Because it hurts worse to get caught off guard
A girl’s been too foolish once too many
Times and time again, I’ve discovered lies
I’d much rather know that you’re untrue
And find out that you really are
Than think you’re real
And come to find you aren’t

My heart counts
Days, hours, minutes…moments
And I hear it whistling to me
Its saying something oddly familiar
Telling me, its about that time
Its about the time I catch you in your lies
And find out all the lies you’ve told all along
Bleed you through
And free myself of you
As I move on to the next dude
And start this cycle anew.

Hey, I know that I’ve got issues
I know this some scary shit
I do, really!
But I have a heart
And it learns well
Miss Educated
Knows History, Chemistry, Endocrinology
My heart knows happiness
And historically, its used to it concluding
In a wave of abrupt sadness
Unprecedented
Its used to adoring
Then hating, regreting
Its well aware of the law of gravity
That what goes up, must come down
Miss Educated
A plus, all through
No one ever did tell it,
That what goes up,
May just be something true.

September 28, 2011

You deserve this.

2011-07-18T21:42:00.001-07:00

To the dude I had been dating for the past few weeks
The one who speaks English correctly though black
Wears glasses thick enough for three
Dresses like he is wearing clothes for the purpose of sheltering his body, yeah you.

I'm just trying to say I am disappointed because after all your Masters in Library Science which totally beats me because I never did think that there was anything scientific about the damn library but hey?! What the hell do I know about anything?

Dear Mister!

Am just saying.

You fit the bill but where the hell is the rest'a you?

Why the FUCK are you jobless?

Play chess all day till wall street closes

I guess that is why.
You're too busy figuring out squares of black and white and defending wooden queens to realize that you are wasting the king of your life: time.

And though I'm too much of a coward to hurt your feelings and tell you what I really feel, I am not enough of a fool to let that sweet nibble on my nipples make me stick to you.

I am through with you.
You deserve this.

P.S
damn, you're cheap!

My last Nigerian date: the deepest love story I never told.

2011-06-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

To be honest, sometimes, I find myself running from this space. It feels tarnished; stained. As if it is the space where I come to reveal my dirty secrets. It feels blemished, but even more so. It reads like a broken record to me; one that repeats thesame things over, and over , and all over again: it is the soundtrack of my numerous broken love-xxx-periences. After a while, Jim's whistle starts to sound just like James', and Tommy's letdown starts to feel like Khalid's.

Eventually, they all sound thesame.

I seem to have a weakness for weakmen.

So sometimes, I dont bother coming here to write. Why should I, when whatever I wanted to write, would've already been written about some next dude, anyway?

So I stall my words, and dont bother mentioning about that last dude who took my heart to the center of the world, and got caught up in his own clouds, that he forgot to bring it back.

When I asked for my heart back, he simply grinned, wiped the tears off his brows, and dropped it in a sea of dares.

Ha!

But there is life after lost love, see? I have proved that more than once before. I proved it again, to this one.

"I loved you with my heart, yes, but no one ever said that I couldnt get myself a transplant".

I walked away, I did. And as I ran to sanctuary, I heard him calling out to me. He called me all sorts of names that weaklings call female beings.

I am worthless.
I am not intelligent.
I am not beautiful.
And among all these, I am also worthless.

This said after I took the role of editor to his schoolwork, the role of aesthetitian to his life, and brought him value from within me.

Yet, he claimed I had no worth to him.

When he called me days later to apologise for having said what he said, I told him that he did not have to; I had forgiven him even before he cursed at me. I was not willing to let him hold me captive. Thus, I had forgiven, and was freed.

That was the story of the strongest love I have felt thus far this year, but even more so, really, it was the story of my conclusion with men of his kind: it is time that I'm done with dealing with these men's weaknesses.

I remembered thinking as he cursed at me : "wow, he says thesame things my other Nigerian exes said". Its almost like they all read thesame "book of cursewords", took thesame "how to curse a woman when she leaves 101" class, and were taught by thesame teacher.

No other man from any other country has ever cursed me like that. Nigerian men, always do, when I am ready to leave.

This man has a position in my life, for sure. He is the last Nigerian man I will ever date.

Reflecting on my 2010 (... candidly).

2011-01-01T00:35:00.001-08:00

January

Sex: I had sex with my ex on the fourth... in my sister’s bed. That last statement could have easily gone down below in the “Regrets” section because I sure as hell almost wish I had not however, the consequence of my action is that I now, know better. Never will I ever have sex with that dude ever again. The sex was not worth a quater of the issues that came as the aftermath. While sexing him, the condom broke and being a non-believer in the use of Day-After-Pills, I didn’t use one. I remember he prettymuch threw the money at me for me to go get one. To be honest with you, I couldn’t believe that that was thesame TBS. Oh well, that was me and sex for January.
Health: My health in January was alright, I guess. Other than my regular acne that was under control, the only other issue was that I thought that I was pregnant. After our little sex-thing, my ex and I didn’t “jive” anymore because I seriousl y thought that I was prego. I didn’t get my period (though it was due to appear that same week) till the 29th of January. When I told him that I was pregnant, he laughed and didn’t call for a while... till my birthday. Hmm... lets just say that things have not been thesame. No, I was not pregnant... my period was just extrememely late. This may’ve been due to some hormonal imbalances or maybe I really was in the process of conception but the process was interrupted for one reason or another. Eitherway, my health issue in January was more of a mind one. I was confused and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought that I was pregnant and I (just in case) even looked into an abortion clinic because the thought of having to be pregnant with school or be a student and a mother scared me. I was to abort by February 14, if I would be and if I was pregnant. This would’ve been my first abortion.
Love: Similar to the distance between never-never-land and reality, this four-letter-word was farrrrr farrrr from my mind. I was bitter at myself and had lost my faith in love. TBS was the only dude that I ever thought had true love for me but with him disappointing me well,... I became sceptical over the whole love thing. Very unusual for me but in January 2010, I was not in love with anyone at all, though I was still communicating with Telly (my old Texan friend).
Memories: Not much else for memory other than that and me leaving the student council at school. We had an election and I went up against another candidate for presidency, and lost. That was alright but I did not believe in this girl’s ideas and neither did I subscribe to her “ i care for the students” theme. I felt like she had more egotistical beliefs and had a authoritative way of leading. I was more authoritarian in my ways and I felt like the council was becoming more of a “clique” (a friendship meeting) than an actual organization. I tendered my resignation and left the council as quietly as I ever joined, after two years.
School: School was starting to kind’a look hard. With 5 cources (keep in mind that 3-4 is considered full time) I was starting to see that “shit, I’ll actually have to really try hard to make it through this semester”. A tough factor to deal with was my fianancies that were extremely minimal. Just couldn’t get to pay for school so that didn’t help. I began to work alot less too, because school was very strenuous and time consuming. Working less didn’t help because it only made the situation worse. I got distressed financially and socially.
Joy: Also far from me. Instead of joyfulness, I had hopefulness. I did not want whatever was brewing to brew. I focused more on September 2010 (when I’d have to have the baby) and it looked so gloom.
Regrets: I was still regretting ever inviting the girl I went up against to presidency (we’ll call her Mindi) to the council (to be honest, I didn’t mean to invite her, I meant to invite her friend instead, and only). Also regretted ever sexing TBS again.
Accomplishment: On January 29, I got my period and accomplished something beautiful: the realization of the fact that now, I had been given another chance. Also, giving up the council was VERY difficult because I didn’t trust who I was leaving it to, and didn’t believe that my work on it would be sustained because the new leader had a different view of things however, I had to realize that I was not the council and that the council was not me and also that this was not my goal when I enrolled back in school in the first place...I had more pressing issues so I did it and that to me, was an accomplishment.

February

Health: I was starting to notice a pattern in me. I had a new professor who I had dreaded even before taking her course. In January, I started a four-month course with her and by February, was shaking in my boots. She intimidated me but I thought “oh well”. My physical health was alright until I went for my pap test and was told that I had abnormal cells. I was to go for a second test. Also, on the 17th of February, I had an accident with my car (it involved black ice, car rolling over, and night time... not pleasant) that ended up leaving me carless because it was totalled. In conclusion, I was afraid of this but I didn’t pay much attention to it because slowly, I was starting to feel “sad” about other things... finances, loss of my car, isolation and school, to be exact.
Love: I got a break from my dark days when I jumped town for my march break (which happened to be in February). On valentine’s, I fell in mini love with a dude at a party and please note, that the word “mini” was typed there for a reason. I was enthralled into him...looks, and knowledge (not intellect, but knowledge) and charisma... all that. I wanted so bad, to have him but I knew that I didn’t live there and neither did he. We both were strangers in another’s city. I was not available (due to my instability) and neither was he, for thesame reason. I thought... I’d do him, but I wont be able to. Lets call this do, “Teeth”. Tolly (my Texan old frined) was still int he picture.
Sex: Teeth was staying at his friend’s house and we went over there on Valentines, and did it. Okay, this is one hell of a significant event for me because I’d tried SOOOO MANY TIMES in my life to have a one night stand and I just never could! Well, I broke that streak that night... and it was good, though I didn’t come... and yes, we did it in his friend’s bed. Hmm... i see a pattern here.
Joy: I had thought that I’d be aborting on the 14th, instead, I was making love. Imagine the irony! I was glad that I had a choice to do something else other than having my womb scraped out *urrrgh*.
Money: I had none. Honestly. I think I finally received some $ for my car from the insurance company in March.
Memories: I had met a girl online a few years ago and she decided to come down to town and we got to meet. I went out partying with her and we also went thrift shopping. I was so glad to have finally, met her. In addition to her, I met her beau (one of my worst enemies at a point in my life) who I knew and had prayed never to give the benefit of meeting me but well, I did get to meet him that one time, for her sake. We’ll call her “Nini” and him, “Bean”. I also met a friend at thesame party where I met Teeth... we’ll call her “Natu”.
Regrets: Meeting Bean. He’d text me stupid things for months to come (he got my number because Nini had called him with my phone once). I eventually changed my number at the end of the year and rid my life of his stench. Never again! Another was doing it in Teeth’s friend’s bed. I shouldnt’ve. Nuffsaid. Also, I stayed with Teeth that night and ended up missing my hair appointment. That was a mess! I hated that. I totally regret not checking the weather before driving on the 17th.
Accomplishment: I got to get over my fear or inability to have one night stands. I got to escape my gloom too... taking the week off to that city, shone a ray of light into my life because I had been so gloomy for so long.

March

Health: Poor. I was so sad. Slowly, depression crawled in bed with me and we’d do it every night and sometimes, all day... for hours... for days. I had claudication in my legs and although I’d had this for years, walking to school reminded me daily, that I shouldn’t take the realization for granted.
Love: I was in love with a guy I met online who lived in London, England. I didn’t think that he was physically it, yet I loved his way with words. I admired him... and liked that he was in love with me. Lets call this dude Bunk. I didn’t love Telly, yet I stayed in contact with him.
Sex: None.
School: I could barely make it to work at all and school? Now that I had no car, I wasn’t going to school as often. The bus system was awful (twice an hour at rush hour) and the weather was freezing. With the claudications in my legs, it wasn’t pleasant to walk to school even when I had enough energy to get out of bed... on days when I’d go to school, I’d feel so inferior, “stupid” and got really good at hiding my sad demons. This was my toughest semester.
Joy: None other than Darque, my dog.
Money: I got money for the car that I had crashed, and tried not to spend much of it (ha!). I paid off some minor loans that I had and asked a friend for help to get a new (used) car.
Memories: Dark days, no cars, Darque, and that one assignment I had at school that took so much of my time and boy was it ever difficult.
Regrets: Crashing my car! Arrrgh!

Accomplishment: Managing to live without a car... and making it to school on days that I did.

April

Health: I had forgotten about my pap test result and the need for a follow-up test till this month. To be honest, I didn’t care. If I did at all, I secretly wished that whatever it was could slowly, kill me. The thought of death was on my mind, constantly. On April 24th, after an exam for which I barely answered any questions at all, I attempted to find a means to end my life but the string with which I tried, was not stable enough. I called Bunk and my sister afterwards and called 911 shortly after. This day doubles as both my “rock bottom” day and my most embarrassing day as my old boss (for when I used to work on the student council) got to see me in my “ball of mess” mode as paediatrics and a cop came to assist me to the hospital. Not only for this reason was it embarrassing... also, the hospital to which I was admitted, was where I worked. The doctor who admitted me, was one that I had and would also be working with in the future. I knew then, that work would never be thesame for me. Her attitude towards me was less than professional and the hospital staff weren’t the most courteous. I received less than dignifying care in the ER and was glad to have that cop with me because he seemed to care. Once admitted to the mental health unit, I was able to retain some of my privacy because it was not the unit on which I worked. I prayed each moment I’d leave my room and everytime they’d have a shift change that no one I knew from my professional setting would see me there, as a patient. Most times, my prayer was answered... other times, they were not. Maybe it was a good thing then, that I was overmedicated for the first few days so that my embarrassment wasn’t so much of an issue to me. Instead, sleep and this one image (that reminds me of a thumb print and and a needle prick-finger cap and childhood, and neon reddish changing colors), did. My mom and my sister came to visit me and I kept in touch with Bunk and Telly.
Love: Telly, thought I was not in love with him, was in the picture, and so was Bunk however, I didn’t have much space in my mind to be truly in love with anyone. However, both Bunk and Telly were aware of my admission.
Sex: None.
School: My most pressing issue (right next to health). I was certain that I would flunk out of one course (was doing well in others, but the one where I had that professor that I had issues with. This was thesame prof who taught the course for the exam that I had not written anything. I was certain that I had failed the course. During the exam, I felt like the prof and I was communicating... more like a one-way communication in which she was telling me that she knew I had failed the exam, and the whole course. I felt like the whole situation was a set-up, to see how bad I could fail. I felt her words in my mind as she slowly mysteriously etched the words “stupid” in my head. I felt like we had sat in the specific chairs we sat in, strategically so that she could have a perfect view of me without making it look too obvious. I felt like this was a conspiracy, orchestrated by her.). At the end of the month, I got my result and other than this course, I had As and Bs. In this course, I had a C; I passed by “0.01%”. Although I had a letter from the psychiatrist to assist me with an appeal for the exam so that I may take it again, I decided not to dare it. I had passed... though with an awful result. At the end of the month on the 22nd, I was discharged. By then, I had met Merina, a student who was also admitted on the mental health unit however, she went to a different school out of town. She was a strength for me in a lot of ways. When she shared her story with me, I felt so selfish and realized two things: 1. If you were to hear your neighbour’s troubles, you’d choose to stick with yours (you wouldn’t want to trade yours for theirs). 2. It isn’t the issues that matter, its your ability to cope with it, that truly does.
Joy: My family came through for me. So did my landlord, who cared for my dog on such short notice. So did my room mate (who I truly find repulsive) and friends.
Money: Still saving the $ I had for my car...spent alot of it, however.
Memories: Dark memories and happy ones as my family came to help and frie
nds too. At the end of it all, I went to spend time at my mom’s house and was alright there for a while. Myself and my sister found a stray dog “Pluto” on the streets and I decided to keep it for a while till it is claimed. Oh well, no one claimed it and If I had been at home, I would’ve kept it, however, I decided I’d let it stay with me till I give it out to the shelter. Eventually, I hit a new wall with my brother who I’d never really gotten along well with. He was cruel to my dog(s) and I called him out on it and well, that didn’t go very well. He claimed he’d kick the dogs out if ever I leave the house without them and I thnk that was enough for me. I called a friend and moved over there with the dogs. I was glad to be leaving the memories of my brother behind. Lastly, my sister and I started. Natu and I hung out with her friend “Dar”.
Regrets: None other than the wish that I had not gotten ill.
Accomplishment: Though woefully, I passed.

May

Health: I was now, on medications and struggling to keep up with them. Not only was I gaining weight at an alarming rate but my sleep was out of sync and I couldn’t remember to take the pills sometimes. Gradually by the end of the month, I started to take it less consistently and more sporadically. Also, I couldn’t find a job just yet and this was an issue for me.
Summer: I went on a trip with two friends to California in the United States. It was fun and probably the highlight of my summer.
Love: I was in love with Bunk and kept in contact with Telly. I wanted to meet Bunk...so bad but the chances were looking really slim. I was not financially stable enough to fund the trip to see him and he was not suggesting that he would so that was that. Slowly, I began to think of him less and less. Also, in this section goes my meeting with Modes, a dude I had met from God knows where! I think I met him online. When I met him in person, I got to realize that I had actually known him about 8 years ago when he’d just moved to this country but lost contact with him... truth is, Id stopped communicating with him because he was just too stagnant and too content with that fact.
Sex: I reconnected with Teeth and although I was not in love with him, we kept having sex. Slowly, I began to lose interest in having sex with him. Although I didn’t have sex with him, I had orals with some dude I met on my trip to Cali and well, it was alright. His dark chocolate skin is to die for though he was mega short  Whats with me and short dudes? Really? I think I do have an attraction to them lol oh well...
School: School was out.
Joy: California :)
Family: In a long email, I wrote a letter to my family and sent it to everyone but my brother and dad since I didn’t have their email addresses. I detailed my feelings on my relationship (or lack there of) with my brother and my reflections on it. I also finally disclosed that I was molested by a family member when I was younger (though I was sure to also note that it was certainly not by my brother nor by my dad). One of my sisters responded with disapproval for some (all?) of the contents and we eventually agreed to disagree. No other responses. I swore to never step foot in my mother’s house again and that family gatherings would have to be done in my absence.
Money: I bought the car, finally. Couldnt drive it however... so I waited. I got a job at the end of the month and also realized that without a second job, I would not be able to make enough to get back into school in September. I didn’t know what to do, really.
Memories: California
Regrets: Having a brother, ever caring why he hated me and ever thinking that he mattered. Oh, and ever including my real address on resumes (it deterred people from hiring me, I think...because it was obvious that I was from out of town).
Accomplishment: Getting a new job.

JUNE

Health: I was feeling better, I suppose. Happiness or (relative) normalcy, was resurfacing. My uncle came to town and after over 14 years, I got to see him again.
Love: I stopped loving Bunk. He’d lied to me about not living at home. How did I know? As I was chatting with him, I heard his mom call in the background and I am not a child so I know that when a mother calls her son who still lives at home, her tone of voice is different from when she calls one who doesn’t. Besides, when I asked where he was, he sad that he was at home yet, the background of the image of him on cam showed that he was in thesame bunk bed he has at home. The wallpaper was also thesame. I then knew, that he’d been lying to me. When I confronted him, he denied it and called me names. When I cursed him out for this, he called me crass. I wont ever forget that. I sent him a message saying that I’d have nothing to do with him. That was the end of it. Hell, I even stopped going to the site where I met him (a forum) because truth is that he’d spoilt the vibe of it for me.
Sex: Somewhat with Teeth but I had become disenchanted. I had never been able to “come” with this dude and I wasn’t in love with him. I decided to end it.
Family: I met my uncle and meeting him further replenished my wish to eventually move back home. Myself, him and my mom went to visit my dad but he was not home. Story was my uncle had called him and received no response so oh well. I fell in love with the idea of having a responsible and loving man as my father. I am not that fortunate. When he left, my neck shortened and my head then, returned from the clouds, into earth. I was my father’s daughter...no matter what.
School: Out.
Joy: Darque. My car. My friends. My family. A friend’s wedding (Mattie) was coming up next month and I was to be a maid of honor. The $ stress of that was pilling up and slowly, I began to realize that people sometimes, pass on their wedding costs to the participants in order to have good enough weddings. Arrrgh! Anyway, this is the “joy” section so I guess I’ve digressed. I reconnected with Beegee, an old friend who also was to be in the bridal train. Being at my friend’s house, it wasn’t easy caring for Darque. Darque caught fleas and this was the hardest thing for me to deal with this summer. I had no money to get her adequate vet treatment so I bought cheap remedies, and made some homemade ones. They didn’t work.
Money: None. Although I was working, I was also owing. The car I bought cost alot of money to fix and “put on the road”.
Memories: There were major issues for the upcoming wedding. Alot of feelings surfaced and I began to see Mattie in a different light. Needless to say, I held my ground. Also, Feather who was to be her maid of honor, was like 10000months pregnant. I thus, began to see my life under a different light. A reflection began.
Regrets: Not calling Beegee to sympathize when her dad passed. I apologised for this and this month, she forgave me.
Accomplishment: I’m not sure.

JULY

Health: not much at all. I’d prettymuch stopped taking my meds and was still relatively sane lol.
Love: Wasnt even thinking about Bunk anymore but Modes was in the picture. That man really TRIED for me. I owe him alot of thanks
Sex: So, I met some dude this month through another dude that I’d met this summer. Lets call this new dude Caghy. Caghy and I met and had sex on our second meeting. He was to be my second one-night-stand. We did the do and then did some more. I knew the moment I did him, that I’d break it off with Teeth... which I eventually did in July. My excuse to him? “I don’t want to fall in love with you, so I’ll have to stop sexing you”. What a lie!
School: Out for the summer.
Joy: My dog. I finally got to take her to the vet and started treatment on her. I also got to get her shots updated (finally!)
Money: Low as hell.
Memories: The wedding was awesome and it just may’ve been worth the stress. My friend Thethe came to the wedding and so did some of my famz. It was fun. Reverse back to the day before... at the engagement. I saw my dad and he made a funny comment saying “...you never call me. You wouldn’t even know if i was ill or hospitalized”. I remembered my April experiences and chuckled as I responded “i agree. Neither would you”, to which he said nothing. He asked me to call him the week after. I didn’t.
Regrets: Not sure if I had any... oh yeah but I did!!! I regret ever sexing Teeth more than once because in my opinion, it was a waste, since he never did make me come.
Accomplishment: Getting rid of Teeth and getting Darque her shots and meds.

August

Health: Alright, I guess. Now, after the storm, I started to rethink about my pap test. I still needed a follow-up test.
Love: I was starting to meet new people. Modes and I had grown apart and he was starting to show signs that he wasn’t in love with me anymore (smart of him)... wasn’t rude but would slowly stop returning my calls or answering calls. I was happy for him that he got over me because I really was not right for him. I fell in likeness and not enough of lust with this tall “Mixed” dude... we decided to give it a go at the end of August. Also, I was really feeling this one dude that I see on a chat site that I frequent. We’ll call him “Isli”, and the mixed dude “Mixed”.
Sex: was sexing Caghy till the end of the month when I met up with him to either break it off or clarify our feelings. I ended up just breaking it up because it was either him or Mixed and unlike him, Mixed was willing to commit. I wasn’t interested in someone for sex because summer was concluding and I wanted someone (my own, someone) to call on when I’m away at school and feeling my usual loneliness. Caghy wasn’t interested, though I didn’t ask him to be mine... I cried. I remember crying..i hated saying goodbye.
School: Was still out and I couldn’t wait to start my third year.
Joy: Darque, and Mixed, and having options. I loved having options... oh, and my mother. She came through for me. Also, my sister graduated.
Money: Had some... but would be going towards school as I got prepaired to start paying rent again. On my job, I gave a silly excuse for resignation (saying that I was moving back home but my story had even more fluff lol). I promised to keep in touch but knew that I wouldn’t.
Memories: My sister had finished school this summer and graduated
Regrets: Doubt that I had any...yet. Oh but I did! I regret not attending my favourite summer festival!!! Accomplishment: I concluded my relationships with those bootiemen 

September

Health: It was hard returning to that same spot where I had tried to end it all in April. What was even harder was that I had a class in that very room, every week. Eventually, I made a new memory in that class and it became just a classroom to me as opposed to a place of parasuicide(?). In some ways, this was an accomplishment. Love: Mixed and I didn’t last... matter of fact, the whole thing dissolved the day before school started. So much for thinking that it would’ve worked. Ohhhh wellllll. I fell in love deeeep with Isli. Isli was poetic, intelligent and tres sexy. I was in love again.
Sex: Nope.
School: I started a course with thesame prof, only this time, I was aware of my demons.
Joy: My darque.
Money: Hardly any at all, though I had a few hundrends from my summer job savings.
Memories: School started to look hard. For school, I had to practice on thesame place where I had been admitted in April. If you thinkt hat that must’ve been akward, you have NO idea.
Regrets: I didn’t regret much but the fact that I was ever sick. I went to work once and felt so akward. I was a wreck. On my way out of work that day, I feared I may never return.
Accomplishment: Going to work...getting over that fear.

October

Health: Not much to note. I started looking into getting an appointment for pap test followup. I booked one for August 2011... it was the earliest appointment I could get in town...what a pity!
Love: Not in love BUT this dude and I started talking... online, again of course haha! He was into BDSM and since I was curious about it too, I became his S and he became my M. I was more dominant than sadistic, to be honest. Lets call this dude “Slav”. Isli and I ended. I learnt never to trust anything that comes my way in the form of online long distance love, ever again. This is somewhat of an accomplishment.I started a project with him online (cant get into details, for anonymity).
Sex: None.
School: I was in a few groups for school and one of them was with two females that I usuall am in groups with and to be honest with you, they sort of suck. They’re underachievers (not by actions but by aspirations, which in my opinion, is the worse kind to be) and thus, were alright with handing in less than great work. This made ithard for me, I’ll agree. I decided not to work on the project by dominating it like I usually do. I’ll let them do as they please and wont do their parts for them (though I ended up doing ome of their parts, regardless). The host of that site started showing interest in me...It made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was married and well, I also knew that what he thought of me, was not what was real...he saw me online. I am not that online character...I am human. This opened my eyes to the possibility that the men I meet through this medium, aren’t what I see.
Joy: It was nice having a companion. Isli was it till it ended, then Slav became it. Darque is always it.
Money: None...again. Nothing new, I guess. i borrowed money from Telly for part of my rent. When I asked him for it, he ignored the request, instead, he figured it'd be a great time to flirt with me and ask me whether or not I'd be his. i figured $275 wasnt enough for me to tell a lie for...not enough for me to brush his ego. Not while I'm only borrowing the money (not like he was giving it to me). I told him I doubt that was the right time to discuss it. He ended up sending the money. I will be paying it back in December.
Memories: I’ll never forget the skype communications Slav and I had. Interesting ones! Regrets: None.
Accomplishment: I made it through this month without going off the deep end.

November

Health: I started to feel “down”. Not much to say about that. I started to feel clouded.
Love: I asked Slav for money once (hardly ever do this, btw) and he disappeared the next day. It was too funny... but not really. What else? I talked to Caghy and he said he asked if I was still in a relationship (as I’d told him when we were endng it, that I was getting with someone new) and I said yes. I know I lied, but if I hadn’t, it would have looked as if I had told him I was getting with someone new in order to get him jealous. Anyway, he said he wished I wasn’t because he wanted someone and I was his best bet...didnt know what that means exactly. Oh well. He then told me that he met a girl at church that he was crushing on. He was going to see her again the next day (a Sunday). I called him afterwards on Sunday and then two more times but he never did answer myc all nor return them. I knew then that he was gone and stopped caling him; even deleted his number all together. That was it.
Sex: None.
School: This semester was hard and having to meet that Prof every week didn’t help. I figured that I better realize that I wont be making straight As this semester. Oh lawd! BOOOOOOOOO!
Joy: I came to my mom’s town and left my dog there since my brother was already out of the hosue and away at school and it was too cold to bring my dog with me back to school. Being away from her was nice because I didn’t have to walk her BUT it was tough because I didn’t know what was up with her.
Money: None
Memories: my days are darkening.
Regrets: Having only stayed with thesame group for school work and since the people are so bad with school work, being in a group with them was counterproductive. We almost failed our project.
Accomplishment: was there any? Maybe ? I stayed alive...i guess. I was so clouded though, geez!

December

Health: I lived in my mind alot these days. The month began with me being so lost. #1. I looked around me and everyone was either married, married with kids, had kids (rare without marriage) or about to get into one of those groups. I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want kids, yet I felt inadequate. #2. I was still without my Bachelor degree and that too, made me feel less than adequate. #3. I didn’t watn to stay in this country and i knew it’d be hard to find a partner who felt thesame. I was lost... in my state of confusion I turned to blogville to find an old blogfriend of mine. I actually logged on here o see if I'd find a way to contact her but...couldnt. Ironically, I saw that she too, had left a message, asking me to contact her. She asked me to email her but I couldnt as I couldnt find her email and because of my annonymity (hope am still anonymous), I couldnt leave my email on herefor her to contact me. I ended up logging off, disappointed. I was still so confused, lost and scared. To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel till the 24th when I sent my feelings in an inboxed FB message to two strangers on FB (these two females that alghouth I hardly ever communicate with, have known for years after meeting them online). Dont know why i decided to send them such a message that was so personal, but I did and am glad I did because they were able to relate. Communicating with them was really medicinal... it cleared my worries and made me feel “normal” and as if i was on the right path. I learned that (from this experience) it is important to have the right people around you, at the right times.
Love: Not much. Telly asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I told him its ridiculous that he'd even ask me considering him and I were yet to meet. I'd known this man for about 6 years and although he lived just one country over, we had never met. I refuse to fund my way there ... never believed in funding my flight to see a dude. He too, had never offered so I've left the issue as is. Not much else happened in the "love" category till the end of the year. I met with TBS and we went out to eat at an upscale restaurant but the kitchen was closed so we did drinks. I got to see that TBS could actually dress up! But not even that could make me want him. On the 29th of the month, Chaghy contacted me, saying he wanted to be with me. Dont know how much I believe it but... we met up at a bar and talked. I got mega turned on...
Sex: ... and I had sex with him the next day. It was magical ahhhh! While at his place, I had this urge to look through his stuff out of distrust for him. I never used to be that way but I was overwhelmed by this feeling... this “odd” feeling. I remembered the time when an ex of mine had left me at his house and while away, i looked through his computer for pics (innocently, not searching for anything) and through there, I found out that he was not only married but with a new baby. I realized then, that your experiences do mold you. I was a changed woman. I looked through Caghy’s old pay stubb... nothing much since he’d already told me how much he got paid. Wanted to look through other stuff but I thought didn’t...i got busy with folding his clothes instead. Whew! I wonder if this is significant but i’d mention it just in case: he told me he was last with anyone (sexually) about a month ago yet, i saw a condom wrap on his floor. No, it wasn’t the one we used.
School: I did less than I wished but better than I “had to”. The significance of this semester is that I had been this far before in thesame program. Only difference is that my grades are much better so that this time I wont have to go back to start over.
Joy: I got to see my Darque again. I also got to spend time at my sister’s and meet the new addition to our family: Ambition(my sister)’s husband. Also got to spend Christmas with my family... I’m blessed.
Money: None. I mean it. And to make matters worse, school was about to restart (expenses galore), my rent was due and I was yet to pay Telli back. Hmm... I wonder if thats why he had not been calling me. Oh well, I dont care so much because to be honest, Telli and I have been talking for years with nothing tangible to show for it so really if he decides to stop chatting now, it'll be just as good a time as any. Besides, the more I see the dude's pics on FB, the more I get acid reflux and no, it isnt because he is hot... he isnt. (God forgive me for I have sinned!)
Memories: Christmas. Though I’d said I wouldn’t attend anymore family gatherings, I did. I didn’t want to not only because of my brother, but also because I had no $ to purchase gifts for anyone but i went anyway.
Regrets: That my sis isn’t being straight with me...she is angry and I know, yet she wont be straight about it because what she is angry about, is pretty petty (at least, thats what I think). She is angry becuse when I went to her town in November, I didn’t give her a call. I thought that was normal for me to do!!!
Accomplishment: I spent time with family and got to realize that I am normal afterall and finally, I got to complete this reflection.
Last 2010 hours: I spent it with a bestie of mine. We ate, and talked and reflected. I am so proud of her for letting the horrible men in her life go this year. Also, I disclosed my April ordeal to her and for the last time this year, I cried. Finally, I can move on to 2011 with love in my heart, hope on my mind and my eyes up, watching God.

"Yes, Master".

2010-11-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

Rolling on the floor, however I pleased
Knelt down and wacked till he came
All because I made him do it.

He called me "master" cuz I asked it.

Hell, would'va painted and licked my toenails clean if I asked it.

The first Afroman I ever met who'd beg for me to rule him.

Hmmm... that power!

That shit was worth more than money.

My slave... done up... and got its own mind.
My slave... done run... and made me "just me".

I master no more, I, have become the slave.
enslaved to the thoughts of he that was mine to rule.

I tell you, the slave now made the rules.

Another flip of that page in my book.

hey! let it not ever be said that I have not lived.
I certainly have lived.
I once owned a slave.

This is Truth's uterus.

2010-07-22T16:23:00.001-07:00

I've always known that I do not have to have kids.
Once I grew well enough to know that I had rights and that the status quo is only so till you change it, I fell in love with the idea of challenging the world on its presumed right to my womb.
It is within me. I own this. This uterus, has my name on it.

My body, my cervix, my eggs, my choice.

Simply put, I was not having anyone tell me what to do with my vag.
Armed with that knowledge, and the recognition that love is love regardless who it is bestowed upon or who gives it; I decided on adoption.

Then sometime when I was a teen, I saw a TV show about a family with several adopted kids from different ethnic backgrounds. The idea of rearing kids from different races appealed to me. I fell in love with the whole theme. I decided then, that I'd have seven kids; adopted from different races.

Years later, I realize what I had fallen in love with is what the family symbolized; unity. The idea of having the whole world represented under your roof, living as a family; gave me a little reassurance that it may be possible to achieve unity in this world of ours.

Truth is, adopted or not, I dont think I want any kids to share my time with. I am selfish. Yes, selfish. I dont want to share my wealth, my time, my space with kids.
Though (now am about to sound really confused) the idea of having a person who looks like we who i can teach my ideals, is really appealing. I feel like deciding to not have kids would be a poor idea because it would be a loss to this world that someone who has my ideals (yeah, am about to sound really proud) isnt going to procreate. I mean...

Taboo.

2010-05-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

Never revisit your one night stand. You just might end up doing it again, only this time, while standing.

Hmm... it fit just right. But Mr. Stand will have to learn how to make me come, or he wont make it to our fourth night. I just might be getting disillusioned.

One night only.

2010-02-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

"I'll come home with you. But I know myself; I wont be able to sex you."

Those words, have been rehearsed. I can speak them, in my dreams. They simply roll of my tongue, with no thoughts involved. I have been here before. I know myself.

This valentines day, I ate my words, as I released my body to meet with a man that I had only met hours before. This valentines day, I ate my words as I had my first one night stand.

Any regrets? Yes. Absolutely. I regret that he will not be available to have a second night stand, tonight, and a third, tomorrow.

I'd tell you about his body. But... of course, that'd be like me beating a dead horse.

Would I do it again? Yes. No. But only because it leaves me longing for more... and well, who would want to crave something they may not be able to have? That truely, is the only bitter aftertaste I've got.

I continue to replay his smile in my mind... often smiling along in recognition that well, we were "there" in that little space where we connected.

When I skip town tomorrow, I will delete his number... but his memories, will forever be stacked in my mind... slithering in and out of my mind as I remember..."Mr. Stand".

I will delete his number. Will let memories of him replay within my mind. Will save a link under my bed. ;)

I wont hesitate no more

2009-09-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

"...oh yeah i love to cook too..."
didnt wait. didnt bother with it all, interrupted
"I wanna marry you"

And he laughed.

Somewhere amongst my deeper self, I know,... this is just the beginning of a lifelong dream, fufilled.

We met sometime this year, in a chatroom.
Hence why I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing.
To say that I care that we met online would be to lie to myself. Truth be told, I do not.
But I do care that we have never met physically.
But goodness, the first time I met him online, I knew that I wanted to get more of whatever he was.

I had to go, or maybe he did. We exchanged emails, and never did get around to chatting.

I forgot about the guy that I wanted to get more of. Eventually, I stumbled upon him on IM.

He told me he'd been wishing to get to chat with me. I had forgotten all about him, but not for long.
I soon remembered.
Oh.
goodness.

We lost contact again, I just couldnt keep up. My REAL life served me so much, that I was busy at dinner, allll the time.
But then we met online, again.
This time, he was down.
And am swiffer.... like the "quicker picker upper" that I am, I talked to the man.
"Talking", is what I do best.
And well, there we go again, reconnected.

This man... what do I name him?

This man...

I have seen his pictures, and I am pleased.
But a thousand words is nothing, nothing compared to the physical.
How does he wink? How does he speak? At what pace? At what angle does his tongue tip when he says my name?
Shy?
Yeah, shy, ... will I be shy?
Height!!!!!
Will I be taller?

I wonder about these things.
And amongst it all, I crush on... on and on... about this man who has got a mix of my wants, and needs.

I'd sex his mind if his body was gone. This man.

So yeah, I think I'll say yes.

"Yes, I'm yours, mister. Your pillar when you stumble, your cross when you really neeed God. I'm yours. Your ditsy-day lounge chick, your goodnight sleeptight girl.
Your TV-in-too-damn-lazy, happy times, driving past the grocery store, halfway in the middle of nowhere-but
damn just ran out of gas with sunshine in the passenger seat-girl,
That little prayer you said the other night. Your cure to lonesomeness,
your very reason for trying. Your little secret idol. I'll be that. Your twin within you. Yours.
Have your cake and eat it too, I'll be your best friend. Your playmate you pass time with, bedmate you play God with,
kissmate you make up with, thoughtmate... yeah thoughtmates! Your very feelings, need not wear your shoes,
I want to feel it as you do. Mate in everyway till we mate past daybreak, yes, I'll be that. Because deep down Lord knows,
I wish I had your stance. Your humility moves me. It shakes me off my high horse and reminds me that life can be simple
... I of course, keep it in mind as I get halfway back up my horse but ohhh, you remind me... that nothing even matters.
That life is nothing. That I am nothing, If I do not know how to recognize and accept love. What would I be?
You are easy. like cocoapuff saturated in some milk, easy. Like...
halfway past the day-yet still in bed full of nakedness and sweat-just about to go again-easy.
Oh for all it all for everything for these and more... I am. Truthfully, yours."

Sept, 1' 2009.

Shaken

2009-08-04T09:40:00.001-07:00

I'd often say that nothing moves
without energy
The wind with effort, forces a leaf from its tree
and with that, it moves
This same wind
though unperceivable to the pores
reminds me, that I too, am just a thing
And therefore, not exempted
From its forces

De-energize this wind, lord
So that I may stay grounded
And walk at my own pace; move at my will
I dont want to be blown
I beg that you consider
What it took for me to stand
And de-energize this wind, lord
I dont want this to end
I am not ready to let go
After all my work
I am not ready to quit.

De-energize this wind, lord
Cut its circuits, neutralize its electrons
Do whatever needs done
I dont want to be shaken
Fear of being blown
Being made a nonentity
Suffer through life missing what could have been
I want to go on
And become what I have for so long, wished for
Stired, maybe?
Definitely shaken.
But please, de-energize it in time.
Do not let it blow me away.

Introducing, Mr. Smiles

2009-04-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

"Love...
Love will come find you.
Just to remind you.
Of who you are.
...thats the thing about love."(Alicia Keys)

Somehow, I am in love. Again.
So, somehow, I'll get lost in his face, and his words once again, will soothe me so much so that I'll once again, escape reality.
I'll sleepwalk with him...walk into things and laugh the bruises away. Who cares, right? Its love.
It is.
Just this one more time.

Mr Smiles, and I.

Its too late.

2009-03-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

It started as a 72 hour crush. But it was so intense. I still remember the first night you told me...
.............."I must say, you are most enchanting and arresting piece of femininity whomever you are"
I wrote it on a peice of sticky.
Oh, like i needed to!
It was carved into my memory
Like a birthday that kept on coming.

You spoke like a word fiend
And my love for words would not let me
Ignore the beauty that in you spoke to me
I simply, fell. Broke a hip. Could not get up. For 72 hours.

I remember when it faded.
I looked around and saw I'd be jaded.
you did not feel what I felt.
And I go scared, thinking I'd be left in love, alone.

I needed to let go, so I wrote
.............................."The love that is fire, will burn out"
I wanted a reminder that this too, shall pass.
Wellll it did.
Unfortunately.

A day or so after that, I realised I was not physically attracted to you.
I didnt like your dumbo ears.
And those pants just didnt do it for me.
What was worse? you were lanky.
You just were not my type.
But ohhhh you spoke like a sexy man. Sent words through my spine down my shin. Called tingles through my tummy. Your words made me drop allelse I ever wanted.
You became sufficient.

Now you're in love with me.
You never say it.
You dont need to say it.
You cry it in your tears.
And i see it in your words.
You are madly, in love.
Just like I was.
This is what I wanted.

If only you'd given me this, then.

Today, you ignored me. I said hello, you looked away.
The side of your face reminded me of nothing I'd ever seen.
It hurts you know, to be shunned like that.
So I asked why you're sulking so
And you said
............"I think I'm becoming obsessed with you."
But where do you get off?
And how the hell dare you?
You came out of nowhere.
Never did admit you wanted me!
Never ONCE did you ask me!
Never EVER have you told me!
I've ran around in circles,
Trying to get you to see this!
I have tugged at your heartstrings
Only because you, had tugged at mind!
When you would not see what I felt
I simply left,
Though it was not easy,
I got with someone else.
It is too late.

But I too, feel.

So when all of a sudden you today, decided to share your thoughts.
I was shocked.
That out of nowhere, the mute had found a voice.
And dare I say, decided to speak volumes
YOU TELL ME this?! OUT OF NOWHERE?!

And there I was, left alone.
Without no one to hold me up.
So i slumped.
And cried.

Its ridiculous.
That you'd hurt me.
Thinking you're the only one with feelings.

In desperate times.

2009-03-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Running to us
I slipped and fell
Got bits of sand
Embedded in my knee
And you saw me down
Glanced within yourself
And saw what I was.

I caught that glance.
It woke me up
Reminded me

Us.

At that very moment.

I dont know which is which.
You or me.
One of us, isnt deserving.

I realize through it all
never did let myself forget
If it wasnt for the wind
I would not have ran to you
And if not for the heat
You would not be running
guts-a-bouncing
age-a-chasing
and I,
gold-a-digging
stretching out to you

Cant help but to laugh at it all

We would have made a cute ridiculously transparent ...
"couple".

So, I'll nurse my wounded knee.
And attempt to pick the sands out it
It really is no price to pay.
For what we could have been.
*peace*

No way to redeem.

2009-03-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

Lets sing...

2009-02-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

...this new song
about what is to come and how we arent able to see, yet we see...
that just around the bed, is a fountain
and just before that, rolls some joy
...this new song
about us. The day we met, and how we forgot that life isnt without its ironies
and that life isnt without love
and that life itself, is love
Let us sing... a new song.

It seems so long ago, yet it is so close.
Though the hurt does not consume us, we feel it
just yesterday, one like you,...I still feel the pain
Pillow has barely dried, yet I'd do it all again
How silly that love hurts, yet we crave the pain

Yet we let go
uninhibiting... let go
because we're foolish yet again
to love, yet again.

Let us sing.
A new song
about the time we'll someday tell our stories
and say, "this time, it worked"
and "i knew it would"
because he was the love of my life.
And in the back of my mind, I'd wonder...
who else, was ever loved?

Come... let us sing.

July is our time

2009-02-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

"...july is our time
it will surely come
let our souls be spared
and meet we shall
and part, we shallnt
what makes u laugh, i do not know..
what make me beam with joy i verily know
for that is surely thee..."

Mr. Zayd..9:15pm HT.

Mama

2008-12-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

I cry,
because your words
remind me of a love
I had never imagined.

Thank you.

It isnt my experiences
that bring me to tears
It is that through it all
You refuse to falter.

Thank you.

Must be loneliness

2008-12-07T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'd stopped thinking about him
changed my phone number
never called him since
havent spoken to him in about 2 months
then 2 days ago,
started thinking about him again...

constantly...
oh goodness...

must be loneliness...

My feelings, at the present

2008-09-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

"I know you're leaving, i cant make you stay. I can only let you know i'll love you anyway. But if the road you take leads to heartbreak somewhere down the line, if someone ever hurts you or treats your heart unkind, you just run to the arms of the one who loves you"
"My love is strong enough y'kno, strong enough to let you go."

"Years go by and still, words dont come easily... like sorry. But you can say baby, baby can i hold you tonight? and maybe if i told you the right words at the right time, you'd be mine."

BlecwkCh!

2008-08-09T00:25:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure why but i'm feeling less and less like coming over to blogville these days (or shoudl i say, these months...). So much happens in my life but i feel so insecured and so unsafe to share them! Regardless of how annonymous i may have remained. I just dont enjoy it here like i used to.
Today, i got the silliest urge to close this down.
But then i thought i'd give it to the end of the month and even then, i'd just leave if i still feel thesame. I love my words... every single one of them and even more so the spaces i leave between each one.
So the thought of quitting and erasing all the emotions that i'd transformed into these words without really erasing the emotions and once again, being lost with my feelings, scares me.
I want to be able to look back and read what it felt like to be me in 2007, for example... or at the very least, what it was that i wanted people to know and in those codes, the ways i felt and please if you understand exactly what i said, say amen a few times (and if you dont, dont give yourself a headache because, i'm not so sure i'm sane anyway lol).

This space is mine.
Mine.

And it'd be mine for as long as i want it. So though it makes me feel a little "Blecwkch" coming here right now, i feel great, knowing that it'll always be here.

Peace, love and soft alfonso mangoes ppl.
(till next time)

Before September comes.

2008-07-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

At first, i was unsure. So unsure in fact that I couldnt hide it. He couldnt touch me... i wouldnt allow it. I just didnt feel comfortable. I'd first, have to clear everything up... what do i want with him.

Eventually i decided i'd try him. I'm going to leave out the details because i know i wont finish today if i decide to narrate them all.

The first time we had sex was the day I decided to be with him.
We continued with the relationship though in my mind, i'd never really gotten comfortable with his height. And some other things he'd do bothered me. Like how he'd always have his hands on me. And how he sexed like a bunny. And how he'd be so clingy at clubs, in public... and even more importantly, how he'd been engaged to another girl previously. The fact that he was engaged doesnt bother me. Its the fact that he was engaged to someone that obviously couldnt have been a compatible wife for him. Eventually the engagement was off... He'd cheated on her, and she retaliated. And then she chose the other guy and when the guy left her, Alaire wouldnt take her back. She still calls the odd times, but i dont blame her. He is a great guy.

Great, yes. I envy his ability to remain calm under pressure... and love how he makes life look so easy. How he manages to remain true to himself in this sort of world... how he respects, oh i just love how he respects. And when he smiles, i forget that hes grown. He smiles like a child. And i am in absolute love for everything that he is about. And I'm glad hes got flaws because that'll help him remain grounded though i cant imagine him being anything but, regardless... I am simply in admiration of what he is...

But he still wants to get married. And i told him that i didnt want to.

No, i didnt lie.
But neither did i tell the truth.

Its not that i dont want to get married. But i dont want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married. I want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married, to me.

Please let me know if i've lost you in that sentence but i sure hope i havent.

He wants to get married because he feels its the right age, time period, next milestone...
I dont want to get married for the exact same reasons.

But i want him. and not just a little... I want this man.

Sometime in May, he broke it off. And i saw it coming, because i knew he was logical. And to a person like him, being with a girl whose goal is vastly different from his wouldnt make sense. And it doenst to me neither... but i want him.

He enriches my life in ways that no one ever has. Please note that i didnt say ..."in ways that no one ever can"... because i am wiling to realise that as I met this amazing guy, i can meet many more.

Yet, i want him.

And after that break-up, we relapsed a week later. The sex continued, so did everything else. I still see him about 5 days a week... and outside of work, spend most of my time with him.

Its true, i am in love with him.

But you cant have someone that isnt yours. And he may be even less mine because at the end of August, he'll be moving. We'll end up living about 10 hours away from each other. And hes made it clear that he likes me as clear as hes made it known that he does not want a long-distance relationship.

Sometimes we hear humming birds as songs... but really those birds can be so damn annoying.
This is the truest thing hes ever told me... its also the harshest.

In August, i wont have a choice. Life'll force him out of my sight, grasp within my reach and I'll have to deal with it.
I know i'll breakdown for sure. Theres just no other way around it.

So i wonder if i can possibly try now. Not possibly succeed because thats asking for a lot. But try... to let him ease out of my life now, before September comes to make the decision for me.

I dont know what to do, really. I work about 5minutes away from where he lives and live about an hour away from work so needless to say, I've gotten comfortable with staying over at his place in times when I'm working late and or coming over for my lunch breaks at work. Hes become such a big part of my life! How do I even manage to begin to undo that? And what was I thinking weaving into my life in the first place?!

I need help.
How do I get over this man before September comes?

No post in June?!

2008-07-14T07:28:00.001-07:00

Whats going on?! I use to live, breathe, dine and dare i say... shit here!
I dont know why, i just dont feel secured as I used to... and as time goes on, i'd just rather share with me, myself and my mind..

but today is a little different. Like one of those days i dont ever want to forget? so i'll share...

Tagged...

2008-05-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

So, Miss Kiss Chika woke me outta my slumber... i was tagged. Alright so here we go! 6 quirks:

1. I once slept for a day and a half- straight. I woke up wondering what day it was. I can sleep like a polarbear!

2. My memory and concentration is as fleeting as water is liquid. Something tells me it wont ever change... A lot of times i'd get angry at people but forget what it was they did to me, yet the anger would linger on! Its so sad

3. I'm addicted to the colour green. Its all over my place and i wanted to get a green car but unfortunately... I've got NO green thumb (i'm bad with plants). Whatever plant i get, always dies! But i got 4 plants two weeks ago because they'd go with my green decor :) ... well before they wither and die off anyway...

4. I dont call my family members unless i have to. I just dont. I dont know why. They always end up calling me. They're so used to it by now. Matter of fact, Moma called today and Ambiition called the day before... i'll return their calls when i'm ready.

5. I have a thing for small cars. I've got a current love afair with Scions and Minis... currently dating another small one too.

6. I LOVE PETS!!! (Chika this is where we're tres different). I just got back from a dog park where i went to see if i'd find a 140pound dog that i had met there the last time i was there.

I'm sorry.

2008-05-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

Deeply i am.
For not calling, though you're terribly ill
If i had called, you would have asked how i've been doing
And in your book, theres no excuse for failing
And I, am just not so good
at lying.

He floated away

2008-05-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Okay so i got home, it was already dark out so it was later in the evening. I got home only to see this unknown man, laying on my couch! And he was there, with a dog that i didnt actually pay much attention to. But it was a small- breed type of Dog,... kinda like Darque...

So anyway, for some reason, i didnt fret when i saw him because although i didnt know who it was, somehow, i also knew.

He was dark skinned, tall, older, with a greying beard that constrasts with his balding head. With all this said, he was semi attractive nonetheless.

So we got to talking,and i layed on the couch with him, behind him. As we talked, i found myself liking this man. And as we talked, i found myself raising my right leg to nestle it on his... and then i caught myself! what the hell was i doing? i hardly knew this man!

I was confused. I liked him... for some reason i couldnt explain. He seemed like cream... easy like he'd taste so good to be with. So i called Kiss and told her about him. But as i narrated my tres short experience with this misterious man of mine, i realised (along with her... "we" realised) that something wasn't right. This man seemed odd. How the hell did he get into my apartment? And how the hell-ier did he manage to talk to me well enough that i lost my reasonings... i mean, wtf was going on?!
Kiss and i decided i'd pray about it.

Then i was back on the couch with the mysterious man. And he was holding me within his arms... we were laying down... things were calm as i said "In Jesus Name". He flinched. Clenched his arms around me, tightening it like he was about to lose his life. But like he didnt want me to know, he didnt protest. And he said nothing.

But by then, i had gotten my confirmation. Whatever this man was, was wrong. He was an evil, devilish entity.

And as i tried to repeat Jesus's name, i found that my organs couldnt move anymore. I was alive, thinking and breathing but my throat was paralyzed,and my tongue weighed a ton. My lips, lost all motor skills... Like it is when a person gets ALS, i was frozen in body, though my thoughts were well alive.

I realised that i was in the devil's arms. I called on the name of Jesus in my mind, continuously and slowly, my lips began to gain control. Though my voice wouldnt come, i mouthed his name "Jesus" ... and his gift "The blood of Jesus" and like i had turned to fire, he slowly released his grip on me...
he got up... i dont know if i saw him walk because now it seems to me like he floated through the room... he floated through the window and i could see him outside through my sunroom. He looked back at me.

My voice had returned as i said "I bind you in the name of Jesus" as he faded away...

Then i woke up.

This one wasnt even in the night. This was a day-mare

Simile

2008-05-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

You dont know, but you are my love.
And i dont know when we started
but you've lived, long before i caught up with you
right out' his mouth like a flying dolphin, welmed, diving into my ears as you escaped the air
Simile.
i rememeber rolling you in my tongue, kinda like i am now... rolling you in my words
See me see you as we make love simile
you dont have any idea
how much i love that moment
when i fell madly
deeply truly got you fucked up
in this bed of my tongue
with them pearly headboards

as i melted you into my sub
consciously like a knowing smile
and made love to you
smiling, i said you

"Simile, as i owe it to you, this game we played,
lovingly gamete-ly secretly i promise you
i'll name our baby after you"

OMG! My baby is a WOMAN!!!

2008-05-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

well... maybe not a "woman" per say, but a an adult-feminine entity nonetheless!

Darque got her period today.

(And for many of you(s) who had NO idea that bitches (lol) get menstrual periods, dont feel ashamed. I had no idea neither until recently)

Unwanted stones in my basmati :(

2008-05-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

"I can somehow get by, using my toys to get myself to come whenever i want while lying to you that i dont want/need you. And i guess you too can do thesame; use "palm-ella" everytime you felt like having me while trying to convince yourself that its just as good. but... i dont ever want that sort of relationship with you; I'd rather not have one with you at all. I was upset on our way to your place and that isnt unusual. As you can tell, when I'm bothered by something, I find it really hard not to dwell on it and I'll admit its one of my many flaws but i doubt its one that'll be changing anytime soon so bear with me. With that aside, i dont wnat to keep retaliating negative vibes/behaviours with you because that wont do us anygood. When you'd said "no", i was upset because i felt rejected and i felt a little uneasy because i felt like i had entered into some sort of game that i wasn't expecting and didnt want. I understand that you probably had similar feelings when i refused to have sex with you and if i made you feel unwanted or inadequate in any way, i'm sorry.I didnt say "no" for any other reason other than that i was exhausted and i was hoping you would understand. And i hope you understand that I'll try my best to please and care for you but i cant always get it right and when i dont, i expect you to understand. Again, a few years ago i wouldn't mind playing this game with you but i'm not interested in playing now. I'm hoping you'd rather exclude the games too because I (obviously) have a crush :) on you."

On his way to you

2008-04-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

It hurts, loving your man Miss Right
While he takes my hand
and i gladly give him it
Trying to believe i can own him.

And while we roll through the sheets
There i lie, comparing this to
what Elton felt when he belted
that blue-ish song with that hat on.

But true love cant be half-way done.
You cant have it "semi-rare"
Baby its hardly there
so it really never was.

So when you pick up your phone
crying to me of 5 years of love
That now seems unrequitted
I tell you of the pains i have felt
with a love that isnt done.

But this hope glitters in me
And i too would like to believe it
So i belt to you like that man did
Of true love that he must've felt
Wearing that funny hat,
hoping it exists.

And within you i see what i dont ever want to be
eyes-a-tearing, nose-a-streaming
Neither regretting nor letting go
Plus all the regrets that you cant let go
And i get scared of ever being there again.

So i'll give Miss Right a closer chance
Cut the drama a lil,
I'll hold my fingers still
If he doesnt call me, i wont call him
If he doesnt care, i wont neither
If he doesnt want, i wont
If he, I wont

Leaving it all up to him. While slowly, i give him all my power.

I will never understand this love-less life.

Your neighbour's laundry.

2008-04-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

It was just meant to be a simple walk. I was to go over to my friend's house with Darque and we'd have a great time walking around the neighbourhood... whatever... the usual. This friend of mine had just graduated too so it was to be like a celebration walk sorta thing. I got Darque's waterbottle, her leash, and we headed out.

We stayed there a bit. Had dinner... that she bought since homegirl never cooks (yeah, she's white... however did you manage to know that?), and headed out. We hadnt even walked a block when we saw this dog that Darque used to know... along with her ownerwho also used to dogsit Darque.

And you thought you had issues "1":
This owner AKA soon-to-be-18-year-old girl, grew up with her mom and her mom's bf. Daddy wasnt in the picture (whats new? and no... he isnt black). Mr. BF used to molest her, rape her and among other things, make her do sexual stuff to her barbies... (wait, i think i got the story mixed up here... i dont know for sure if he used to be the one doing dirty things to her barbies or if he used to make her do them). Anyway, the cherry on the cake? She is delayed. Yeah,... she is urr, how do i say... umm... "behind"? Okay... she is almost 18, but she operates at about a 13 year old's level. Okay, hopefully you got the pic now.

This girl's life would make a ridiculous movie (for lack of a happy ending) but a greta book (also, for lack of a happy ending). She was sent to live with her aunt who has been caring for her since she was about 15. Trouble is, she does the craziest things. She lies like there is no tomorrow. You can both be staring at the sky in Abidjan the middle of november and she'd sell you snows. And you, you'd buy it not because you're blind or you cant tell that it never snows in Abidjan (at least, not yet but with the way the climate is changing so drasticlaly these days, any damn thing can happen!), but because this girl is that great a liar. Her lies and her mischievious ways has caused her to be kicked out of the house. Yes, her aunt kicked her out. And i know it sounds bad, but what are you going to do with a kid that runs away from home, never goes to school (the schools always calls home asking for her since she didnt show up for her classes but she denies it even after they call, claiming she was there while they were calling!), never cleans, ...
Anyway, so my friend (the one that just graduated) adopted her. That lasted a few months. My friend got sick of it because again, she'd lie up storms in the middle of the dryest desserts. It even started to affect our relationship a little too because when Darque would be over there (remember the girl used to dogsit for me and since she was living with my friend, she would dogsit over at my friend's place?), she wouldnt clean up after Darque and as much as my friend likes Darque, it wasnt fair to her especially since i used to pay miss thing for having her there! I stopped needing her services since is started leaving Darque at home by herself...anyway, now she got kicked our from my friend's house and she had to move back in with her aunt. Problem is, she has until she turns 18 to move out.

She'll be 18 in May :(
Her life is in God's hands.

And you thought you had issues "2":
As all five (Darque, the other dog, my friend, me, and the ex-dog sitter) of us were there, another really cute pure qhite dog came along with a female owner. We got to talking to this owner and you wouldnt believe it. Okay, let me tell you...

I've been told i'm crazy because: my dog has her own room, the wall color, the litter bin (yeah, shes litter trained... i'm too damn lazy to walk her half the time... okay maybe MOST of the time), her food and water bowl are thesame shade of pink, she's got a Fendi bed, about 5 sweaters, one jacket, the cutest toothbrush, cutest pair of shoes, SO MUCH toys,...
But apparently, i'm not half as crazy as this woman that had the white dog. The dog was beautiful, much older and very very well mannered. She would play with you if you play with her, she wouldnt just jump on you, she lays down and waits whenever her owner wasnt moving... (as opposed toDarque who barks at strangers UNLESS they pet her, jumps up to people's faces to kiss them, licks strangers ears, barks at random dogs and runs when they retaliate...). Anyway the woman andi got to talking and you wouldnt believe it!

SHE HAS A DOGGIE WALKER AND A CAR SEAT for her dog. And when you go in her place (yeah, she invited us over), the only pics on the walls are of her and her dog! She has no couch, no TV, just two (wooden) chairs and a big carpet for her dog, the foodbol and water bowl, a crate and... she is crazy! NOT ME! But i liked her lots. SHe was very generous. She gave Darque bows for her hair, sweaters and golf shirts, treats, a ball for toy...

Anyway, back to her personal story. Her parents divorced after a 5-yearmarriage because her daddy was too abusive. But the abuse didnt stop then. After he left, her mom became REALLY abusive.

How abusive, you ask?
To the point where whe'd drown her when she'd get angry,
beating
Javex down her throat for crying...

When she was 17, she was pulled out of school...
When she was 18, her daddy got credit cards in her name, maxed them out, yet wouldnt pay for them...
At 20, she declared backrupcy.

She eventually moved out with the clothes on her back; her friends couldnt tak eit anymore, they helped her out. She got three jobs,and its been hard but shes been alive so i guess thats a great thing.
At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history. its been over a decade, yet the trauma is clearly visible in her life.At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history.

If i dont curb my anger, i will never have kids.
God please dont let me ever become such a monster.

I'll leave you with these words that a co-worker said to me earlier this month
"If you knew what your neighbour was going through, you would never want to swap your troubles "

My goodness, these nightmares!

2008-04-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

Had a dream that Yugi died. And though i was told in the dream, i didnt believe them. I have a cousin with a similar name so it didnt bother me as much. Then i was on my way out to some party. I remember i was wearing a pair ofred shoes (that i dont even own in real life) and these black tappered pants (dont have those in real life neither) and a redtop. I was about to leave the house when someone told me and it finally sinked in.

I couldnt get myself to cry. But i wished he hadnt passed.

He had suposedly gone in for a check-up, only to be retained there at the hospital for colon cancer. He lived only three days after that.

And i remember thinking some thoughts in my dreams,trying to make sense of it all... Dada had wanted a boy... they wouldnt stop having kids till they got one, and eventually they did. And the boy lived till he was in his twenties?!
life didnt seem to make sense.
And at that moment, i thought about how humans sometimes wants things that may not be meant for us... yet we want anyway...

I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the things i dont understand... hence why i belive in life, and ultimately, in God.
I dont believe that thie dream means my brother will die, or that he would get colon cancer... but this like every dream that i have ever had, meant something.

So i pray that whatever battles i dont know of, God continues to fight them for me. And i wont try to decipher the meaning of that dream. I'll just remind God that my life is in his hands.

Introducing... Alaire.

2008-04-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

***I've changed Mr.Frery's name to Mr. Alaire... Alaire means "joyful, happy"... it suits him better than Frery***

I cant tell you the exact date we met. It must've been someday in March... But the day we started talking? Late February.

China and Caty had been connected to a specific dating website... they'd been registered for a while. Then one day, i was at China's place, Caty was there too; it was to be a girl's night out. We got there, and Caty got the funniest idea (shes full of the silliest, funniest ideas... like the time she got the idea that wego to the town's business district at rush hour, picking random cute men, pretending we knew them by asking them if their name was "John"... then later asking them if their last names was "Doe"),... why dont we all get an account together!

Three girls, one profile... it was crazy. We got such responses like i couldnt believe. It was fun. But it only lasted 24hours. Apparently it was wrong to have such a profile... they deleted us. Oh well...

Then i got my own profile. It got a little silly lol. Sometimes we'd even IM each other on there, sort of like MSN. It was funny.

I met a few men there... 3 in total.

The first one i met was a 28yo Congolese man; a masters student at the local uni. New to town, moved here from another state, 5'5, dark skinned, sunny smile, small little itty-bitty eyes, very attractive face. worked as a prof's assistant at the local uni. Speaks French, Swahili, and a few other afro languages.

The second was a 27yo guy from Barbados, who'd just moved here from NY, USA. inspiring social work student, speaks French, poor spoken English, even worse written English, 5'8, very cute!!!, dark skinned, hardly smiled (so i dont know what his smile is like), eccentric fashion sense... a cross between eccentric and USA-FOBish.

The third was a 32yo white guy who was a car sales man. nice sense of style... dresses clean,okay. Studied Psych in uni... graduated years ago. 5'9. Nice smile. Smiles lots.

Mr. Alaire was the first one i met. I didnt like the second guy because heseemed too silly to be real. He continuously called me to tell me he wants me so bad, and that i was the best girl hes met since he moved here. I wanted to believe him. I actually did. But i wasnt convinced that he believed himself, if you feel me... the third guy... the white guy, was way to hard to get with. He liked me, i liked him, but i couldnt live on coffee all the time and i didnt feel like having to explain to him why okra draws and why obeata sometimes have a mix of different types of fishes and meat in it. I never went for a second date with him.

Alaire...the night i went to meet him, i went through hell. He doesnt drive so i drove to see him. We were to meet at his place where i was to have dinner with him... Ugali and some nice spinach soup with maybe cow tripe! I could already taste the damn thing but lo and behold, my beautifully imperfect car had to stop working on my way there! I had to get off the freeway and call a towtruck. The mess ended up costing me up to 1400 in funds to fix but anyway... while i was waiting for the Towtruck, i called him and told him the car broke down so he decided to cab it to where i was, and wait for the truck with me.

The first time i saw him, i think i screamed (well, not to his face but when he was out of the car and i had gotten the balls to call Caty up so i'd have someone to scream to). He looked like such a FOB. lol.
And his accent was so pronounced but i didnt mind that at all... since i have a (BIGBIGBIGGG)thing for Fench accents. What i had even more trouble accpeting,was that he was short.

Yet he'd impressed me so much when i'd talk to him on the phone, and when we'd chat on msn... i had a crush on the conversations we had.

So after the car had been towed, we went over to his place where he shared with a roommate. It was cool. I had caught a cold by then so he made me a cup of cammomille tea. I met his roommate... it was cool.

What amazed me about this guy is his smile. It was relentless. Frery eases smiles through a volcanoes. I sometimes smile, but most times, i dont. If you've ever been asked by a stranger while walking down the street to "please smile", then you know exactly what i mean.
But remember i said i met him in February? Well...his height bothered me all the way through to the 29th of March. I liked and adored so many things about this man, but couldnt get over the fact that i didnt have to get on my tippytoes to kiss him.

Speaking of tippytoes... i did something stupid when i eventually decided to accept him. I'd get on my tippytoes everytime we'd kiss. Call it a force of habit for years of being with TBS. Then once, he asked me "where are you flying to?" lol

But i've totally accepted him now. Its like the first time i'd have ewedu mixed with okra. I'd love that i could have ewedu but hate that it'd be mixed with okra. But had it anyway, since it meant that i got to have ewedu... anyone got me?
So now i am his... and he is new to town so we go out sightseeing and touring the beaches sometimes. And i, am in absolute like (cant say that other word yet... still struggling with it) with this man that makes molehills seems so much more leveled... like everything is everything and life doesnt have to be so stressful... i have smiled so much more these past weeks than i have the rest of the year. And he understands, doesnt criticize me when i let Darque on my bed.

The one thing i sort of think is cute but a little disturbing is that Darque forgets me when he is here. If we both come in at thesame time, she litterally ignores me... for the first 10-20minutes. And then i guess she gets hungry and remembers who her feeder is lol. They have such a great connection, its amazing.

But he aint perfect, people. Hes got lots of cons. Like... he gets on my nerves at times when he gets in his playful mood and i just cant seem to be in that sort of mood with him 24-7! Oh lawd! Sometimes i cant stand it. Another flaw?I'mgoing to have to teach him how to eat me well. He is horrible in that department. Very willing, but fucking bad at it. And for the longest time, sexing him used to be so painful! I have this theory now that my coochie takes her time to get used to new dicks. ANd finally, she has. Now its just pleasure. I cant stand the pain.

Sexing him is great. And at first, i'd get scared to even see his peennini because i thought i'd be disappointed. The truth is, he is far from the biggest and smallest i have had. Hs isnt small, but he isnt big. (Lord, now i really have to remain anon. I have shared too much on this blog-o-mine).
Its been great having sex with him. And it makes it even sweeter when he says "Thank you" after an orgasm. And i get in that mode too, where i say "thank you" more often... he just makes theses things easier.

Last week, i took him on a picnic to the beaches to celebrate his graduation. He'll stay in town for his first job... he'll eventually move back home. I try not to think long term so i havent. This weekend, he'll be away. His friend is getting engaged and they have to go pay some sort of dowry.

Not everything that glitters is gold. So if this sounds glittery, then picture it as some sort of mirage. Because to accept that this might be real, would be to set yourself up for a downfall. I dont think he is perfect. But he is at the moment, today, great.

Testing, 123!

2008-04-08T04:24:00.000-07:00

I need to go get tested for STDs.
And so does he.

I had been getting tested every 6months since i was 16. It was like a routine, pap test, blood test, HIV test, along with every 6th month that came by.

When i was 21, i got a call from the ministry of health. Supposedly i had been i n contact with someone who had been found to have Chlamydia.

I couldnt believe it.
And since i had only had sex with one person between the time i was 17 and then, i knew who it was. Kimani.

So i went for the test. I was dead cold and scared. I still remember walking in there after work and seeing all these people i couldnt find myself ever associating with. They looked more like whores. No seriously, that was my exact feeling.

Yet i was in that room, waiting with them. So really, am i any different?
Somehow, we all took our individual paths. Yet somehow we all ended up there. In that room, waiting to believe that we arent diseased. Hoping for some miracle.

I wasnt infected.
I was okay.
I found out two weeks later.

Thank God for condoms. The son of a forgotten fool had cheated on me but thank goodness for condoms and his devine grace.

So i am now about to start over with Frery so i need the both of us to get tested. Frery... i'll admit, i do like him a lot.
But its odd, because there are a few things about him i am having difficulty accepting. I am at a point where i am redefining or reaffirming my believes in terms of the sort of partner i want and what is important to me. And as i do that, i hope to learn a few lessons along the way.

Anyway, in the meantime, i'm going to get some food to eat lol.

Gold digger

2008-04-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to be a bitch though i'll admit,
sometimes it comes so naturally
But i just cant stand it when you ask so much of me
so soonn... like so now, so, rightaway
I am flattered that you want me
Though i know it isnt hard to be attractive once you've got a pussy,
still i understand that it is sometimes much more than that
so yes, i relish that. I enjoy that.
Believe me, i appreciate that.

But wait a minute... no, your hands...
hold on a second... dont touch me there

Because it isnt that i dont like it
It is that it is irritating
and somewhere inside, i am hoping you see there is much more to me
Than what God gave me to be thighs
and hips
and breasts
What i have done with me
This masterpiece of a being...
is a bit more

And i want to believe that you are one too
So i want to take my time with you
Find that being within
No, wait a minute
Do i have to kiss you right now?
Oh my friggin goodness!
Would you wait a goddamn second?!

You are frustrating me
And i know you've stopped now
But the moment i shut up, you resume your touching
sliping your hands right onto me.

And i want to do that too
I want to explore you
I want to find the one that you are
If only you'd just give me a minute

The one i was made to be, digs for gold.
To feel, i must search.
And i need time to find.
So i ask that you let me
Dig ma claws in your dirt
Seeking through the rough mess
Allow me with patience, please!
Let me search through your experiences
And the gold you've now become
You.

Please give me time
So i can finally, love you.
And understand... you.
And make this love, with you.

"Black bitch"

2008-04-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, it went a lil some'n like this
She got pissed, say ma girl needed to move her make-shift rover ASAP
Honked and holler'd damn near woke up the whole city
Talkin bout "Move your damn car!"
And for a minute there i thought i was seeing things
Because with all that damn anger, it was all for nothin

if you wanna get moving so bad, why de hell dont you use the next lane?

But sometimes a bitch is got to be a bitch
and sometimes bitches get confused
and sometimes they dont say the shit they mean

It aint about the damn car space
It about pure estrogen race
Miss heiffer wanted to win a battle
That really didnt matter... a simple battle for car space that isnt so simple since it ain even about car space in the first place!

So i watched as miss thang hopped out her car,
Called up her crew hoping for some wings cuz you know, chics really cant fly so when shit goes down, she be needin some backup plan

I wanted to laugh it was apparent... aint noone else drunk outta dem. They left her ass hanging as they left. May be a good idea to cut on drinking if you know you cant hold your own... especially if your crew got brains and they know they cant fight when you act all out.

So she came up to the car, bitch tried opening ma girl's car
And i thought that was cute because... i wondered what she was about to do if she had got the door open?

Not knowing that shes got me and a man in the back seats,little miss blonde almost choked when she saw me
Well, i cant help it if i look like the night. But sometimes, it aint so bad... i can just creep up on bitches whenever i want...
And just like dat, she jumped. But she jumped like she didnt because you could see her eyebrows twitching though her body wasnt moving...
And i knew the blackness got ma back cuz the whiteness in hers knew better
Immediately, i knew i didnt even have to fret so unless she is like what TV says, i got this.
And if TV is right, then we've got 4 dead bodies in the car, yeah... shot to the head and maybe butchered to pieces all thanks to yours truly...

But in this case, i couldnt be scared... well, between you and i, i'll be honest. I was, but only if she had a gun.
Otherwise i tol miss thang if she wanted to move the car so bad, then she better get around us and since she tried opening up the car door, then she better do her worst cuz the line is behind her now and shes gone too damn far.
"What was she doing? Was she tryna open your car door?"

Hell mothafuckin nAHHHH!
"tURN OFF DAT ENGINE! wE AIN GOIN NOWHERE!"

White turned even whiter as she stared me in the face. Never knew "scared-shitless" could merge so well with "anger" in one spot like it did in her eyes...

With hands jittering, i could see my girl turning the keys as the lights go off... lol we were here to stay

her crew left, i guess they knew better. Never a good idea to defend a drunken fool.

She got back in her car, and something in me wished she'd hit ours so we can get her for her insurance but "drunk" goes on vacation when it needs to... somehow, her alcohol level had decreased. Blondie knew better.

But the funniest part of the night was when she turned to me as she was driving off...
"you black bitch"
Yeah, and she drove off.
And i wanted to laugh but i couldnt because i didnt get it.

I been black for over two decades. And never once have i been reminded that i am black
Wait, did the heiffer mean to call me a "nigger"?

Because if this truly was meant to hurt me then at least, call me outta ma name...
But i couldnt think much longer because i saw her leave,scared shitless and i realised...

Little miss heiffer was scared.
Just because i am black.
And to think i wasnt gon fight her.
But see, i had a chinese chicka in the car
that woulda tore dat ass up if the blonde acted up.

So, while i was away

2008-04-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

nikkisab got engaged, AND married...i cant believe this...

thank God ohhh!
Afrobabe had her bday
OMG someone went on a vacation to Florida... i forget who it was and the vacation was funny somehow sha

anyway,

and i think its hit me that mona's blog is actually closed for real (well, not closed but you get the point)
thats sad... shes missed

Oh, and desperate lady's blog is now only by invite... :(
i wasnt invited :( :( :(

Oh well, hope all is well...

i'm currently in my manic blogging phase lol
look at me, blogging about other ppl's blogs lmao

My day yesterday

2008-04-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.

here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.

Back to how my day went yesterday...

So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol

Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.

While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.

Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?

*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*

Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless

So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.

I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.

But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.

I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(

I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.

Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.

Oh God, my life is in your hands.

I still think of you.

2008-03-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I never did look down there
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?

We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.

Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.

This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...

Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.

TBS... yeah... him again

2008-03-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

i want to blog about this joke of a man but i've got so much on my plate.

This is the hardest time of my life.

At least, as far as i can remember.

Too manyt hings to worry about.

TBS's story can wait.

Hey, you remember Mr. Firm?

2008-03-05T19:08:00.001-08:00

And like so many things in my life right now, i find out that Mr. Firm isnt who i thought he was.

I walked into kiss's work earlier today, saw two ladies and a man sitting, there. See she works at as a customer service personnel at a local company so there are usually always people there. I thought to keep off to the side to wait till she is done work so we may leave, and heard a familiar voice say
"hey you!"
i looked up to see my one and only Mr. Firm!
Mr Firm! Do yall remember him? Does anyone?
Though somehow hidden under my pile of almost-did-but-never-really-did men, is this man i named "Firm". You may click the link below to see my earlier post of him.
http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/07/so-many-moves.html

"OMG! I didnt even see you there!" its true. I didnt. If theres such thing as a tunnel vision, then i have got it. I can walk into a full of people and see no one but myself, but everything that everyone in the room had on. Ask me who was in the room and what they looked like, and i wouldnt have a clue! I didnt see mr. Firm. And what a fine piece of hunk he looked like tonught! That was odd... i never found him attractive lol
"Oh... i cant believe i'm seeing you" i continued
"what a small world" Kiss added
"I know..." Said he.
"Here's your hug!" i said as i leaned him and hugged him

He had tried coming over to visit after our last incident but i couldnt do it. Eerytime he'd plan to come, i'd agree but wouldnt answer his calls in the last minute. I was turned off... since that last incident. I didnt want anything sexual with him. But respect him, i did.

So there we were, and Kiss dropped the bomb...
"Say hi to his wife..." my brain did a backflip... did i hear this right? i looked at her as she pointed to the quiet 2000months pregnant lady behind me.
I didnt pause. How dare i?
Out of respect, out of disappointment yet feeling too sorry to burst his bubbles, i looked back, gave her the truest smile and offered her my right hand.
"oh wow, nice to meet you!"
she accepted. Smiled. She was beautiful. I tell you, some beauties need no eyes to behold them. Somehow she glowed... somehow...something within that woman... glitteed.
I turned back to him. he started to fidget. must have moved the bottle in his hands a billion and one times.

"So, how have you been?" he asked.
And for the first sexcond, iw asnt sure if that was a trick question. I could tell him i have been good till just now when i found out that i almost had sex with a married man! but i didnt think thats what he meant.
"Oh, i've been okay"
And we stopped the chat. This is the man that we would talk for hours on end... hours on fuckin end. we share secrets! LOTS! I told him so many things. One being that he has trouble with his father. And also that he was called out of the blue two years ago by his ex girllfriend that he broke up with 5 yearsbefore then to be informeed that he has a 5year old son.

But that moment, we had nothin to say.

When he left, i texted him:
"Congratulations, Double "O" Seven! Why didnt you tell me? He is beautiful!"

He replied halfa n hour later.

"Speechless but thanks. I need to invite you to the house maybe this weekend I have some explaining to do. Maybe i should call you later tonight."

Okay, WTF! By now i was startin to get pissed. Invite me over ke? Mister Fool! I just found out you are married!!!
I replied with:

"Something tells me i should be angry but instead, I'm shocked. You may call me. Coming over is out of the question. even if i cant respect her, at least i can respect myself. but I'm so happy for you. You deserve a good woman as your partner. I really hope I wasnt seeing (or whatever it was) you while you were married! lol OMG so you'll be father!Speaking of that, we have to talk (anyway, we'll talk wehn you call)".

I wonder if his wife knows he has a son.

I remember he had once told me when he went home in '06 and was introduced to a woman that his people wanted him to marry. This is now her. but then, he swore they had nothing in common and ... they are married.

I got a call fom him later and we talked. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. it makes sense to him that it was okay to attempt to have sexual relations with me because she was back home. Even though they were married. He says i didnt show him that i wanted him. And he didnt want to push it. i told him if he didnt think theres something wrong with twaht he did, then there must be something terribly wrong with one of us. Something tells me its him.

But see, thats not the point. The point is HE WAS MARRIED!

And the second point is, i never wanted to be with him... ever since he attacked my clit like it was some sort of new unwrapped bubble gum, i knew! And that day while we were in bed, i saw his body and i lost whatever ounce of attraction i had for him. And that day, i realised taht although i like matured men, i dont like to fuck older men. not anymore.

i told him i was disappointed. And i told him that i never did want him. I needed to make that clear.

I have lost all respect for other people's ideas of marriage.

Apparently, we all have different ideas of what a lifetime commitment should mean.

But do Be.

2008-02-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

Please be.
The figment of this imagination. Almost reality but simply isnt.
The type that makes me want to squirm a ripple through my chest
extending to feel your breats
in for you. to feel my belly... lol
Oh please be.
That firm spot on my bum
as my ripple complete its form
Be the one i dream of when i roll up on that loveseat
under my comforter... hoping you'd be real.

A soft "hey babe"
Oh i got used to that. And hearing it even when i didnt ask...
LOL yeah... got used to that. And sneaking in late at night where i fell into my dreams.
A light wake up kiss. And your body joining mine.
Oh goodness. Why did i ever get used to that?
I so bad, so much, so... Now...
want that.
So be.

I'd beg you to be. But pride rules my tongue. But do.
(Please?)
BE.

I'm fresh out of nerves

2008-02-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

You know... sometimes i try to keep the bitch in me down.

Try hard! Keep the muzzle on it ...Oh but some mofoz dont deserve that shit.

So last night i got my period. I really didnt feel like going to sleep but i know my master when it arrives. How dare i try to stay awake?
When i sleep, i feel no pain but anyhow i stay uP?! I wouldnt even dare.
Vomitting, Pacing, Excruciating pain like no other. I wouldnt even dare.

So i went to bed. At 3am.
8am my phone rings.
I didnt even have to check who it was. There is only one loser who wakes up so early on a Saturday morning to torment me.

I was angry.
No. Scratch that.
I WAS FURIOUS!

i was in pain, i was achy, i was tired, my head felt like a brick and this mouse looking bitch decides to place prank calls... i was fuckin angry!
Then he calls my home phone too.

And it was all i could do not to get a plane ticket to his city right away. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those exagerated ears of his, twist them 360(4) DEGREES, leave my paw prints on his cheeks while spitting in his eyes... pushing him to the ground, dragging him by his balls, kicking all and every single soul of harrassment out of his balls, and calling the cops to pick him up for hitting me.

I was furious.
I charged every atom of curses i could gather in my angry sleepy brain to the tip of my tongue and every anger transformed to will as i dialed his number.

But like i said.

Diek is a coward.

He never answered my call. Cell and Home.

But he didnt fail to call again 2 hours later.

I'm running out of patience. I dont know what to do. I still have the wives' address and lord knows if not for the fact that my car battery died last night (i need a boost), i would have so driven down there earlier when he called because i was so mad.

He wont stop. I know Pink gloves and a couple of others may suggest i have patience. But i know he wont stop. A sore loser never quits. He knows i have something in me. I am not ignoring him because i have nothing to say and he knows it. He knows. I am ignoring him because i dont want to be ugly about this. But he would rather get that emotion from me. Than what he is getting right now... "zero".

I have had a similar experience before. I'll share it sometime. its about kimani. If you think Diek is bad, kimani was worse. He'd push, and i'd shift. He'd push and i'd move just a little more. Till he cornered me. And i couldnt help but to fight back. Needless to say, he now knows i'm boss.

To that one lady, Thank you.

2008-02-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Mama tells stories. Most times she doesnt. I guess happy stories are easier to share. Mama has very few of those as far as Dada is concerned.

So when she does share these stories, they stick.
Call them crazy glue to the basement lining of my memories, i... remember.
Like this one that i heard when i was little.

Mama, while driving us from school... told us kids... stories. And these times you'd never see her eyes. I dont think i ever saw her cry. But i know Mam's emotions flow through my ducts. I earned these tears from her. I know, she sheds in silence.

I tell you, some things just didnt make much sense.
We were young, we didnt understand. Mama lived in America for years. She went to uni in America. Mama et Dada.

Then they had some kids. And Dada was to go visit back home. And he did.
Then Mama got the mail.

"Some woman wrote me a letter, asking me if its true that he had divorced me!" its (un)funny how shes able to yell it out to us (sometimes). Yet when she hurts, does it oh so quietly.

In an attempt to ensure she would be married to a single man, this lady wrote her a letter to confirm that he had been divorced as he had claimed.
She snooped, got Mama's address, and sent the letter.
I admire her. Back then most women wouldnt care. Even now, some wouldnt. Culture is just an excuse. Truth is, some people just dont ever have the courage to demand better.

Needless to say, they were still married.

"I moved back home immediately. They had almost had the wedding, plannings and everything!"

Thats how she ended up back home.

Years later, somewhere... Dada got his dream. He found a woman who didnt care. She along with her one daughter and a pregnant belly, moved into our home. But Mama sensed it coming. You can take a bitch out of a hood but never a hood out dat bitch.

She had moved back overseas before she arrived.

I want to be that woman.
I want to be the one to tell another...
I would want to be told.
I would want to be informed.

But lord knows its been stressful trying to get a hold of Mrs. Stella Diek.

She never answers the phone. And so, i stopped calling.

And Diek? I stopped caring. Truth is, i hardly ever did. Which is why i was not hurt. I forget about him till friends mention him. Or till i log on to blogville and see his name... or till he calls.

But it must hurt to lose. Or it must suck to be ignored.
He had been trying to contact me on msn and i really didnt know what to say so i just leave him be. But instead, he decided to start calling me continuously.
8,4,3, 10 times a day.

Once i answered and said "Hello" only for him to say "Hi Truth, how are you?"
I hung up. What am i supposed to say? I dont know! Where is the conversation to go? How are you am okay how are you oh am okay too so what are you doing oh nothing so what are you doing oh nothing... LIKE!!! SERIOUSLY!
So, thats why i hung up.

And he resumed calling... always with blocked numbers. And when i answer (hardly do), he doesnt say a word.
A coward cant ever own up.
So i usually dont pick up. And when i cant stand it anymore, i do pick up and just leave the receiver on the table so he can hang up when he is tired of being a Diek.

To Catch a Lying Diek (2)

2008-02-10T09:08:00.001-08:00

"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"

"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"

He sprang up like the bed had fired him up. Paced around in the room for a minute before finding his voice:
"How did you know?"
"Why didn't you tell me about them?" i didn't wait fr a response because really, it didn't matter "I TOLD you i didn't care if you had kids! couldn't you have at least been honest with me about that?"
Here comes his mini-discovery moment! Finally his brain was coming to... "OH! did you look through my flash drive?"
I hadn't. Lord knows what else i would have found there.
"Your Flash drive? no actually i didn't. SHOULD i have looked in there?"
"You must have looked through my computer"
"Well, you keep wondering how i found out, and I'll keep knowing how i found out."
I turned away, did some of my paper work as he dealt with his confusion. It got really quiet. He was thinking. And like he had finally found sobriety, he said:
"Come here..." in the softest way i had ever heard him speak. But softness was not what i was looking for right then. Fuck the mother of softness. I dashed him a "nigga, you cant be serious" look, burning shame down his spine. He backed away, thinking. Okay, now it was time for me to phuk him up. Its simple: I have enough shit on him to live off for a year. Anyhow he says he doesn't want to fly me back home, I'll simply book myself an executive flight with his VISA number and call his parents back home to let them know just how much funds he shells out for females to come see his married ass in his make-shift home. Really, it was that simple.
I was about to say something. I was about to hit him real hard. I was SO sure the fool would try to phuk me up. But i didn't expect this:
"Truth? I am so sorry." softly "So so sorry that i hurt you"
HURT. That word didn't meet its match in me. "Hurt"? No. I couldn't find it in myself. I didn't know why, but there was this nagging feeling of relief, and not one drop of pain or hurt. I wanted to be angry. But i wasn't. I wanted to be hurt, but i wasn't. I wanted to be disappointed, but i wasn't. Bloggers, i was in another girl's body. Anger betrayed me at the one time that i needed it the most; took a drastic break from me right then. I was not hurt. Neither could i be angry. I told myself it might be because my anger was on vacation till he starts to try to act up by telling me that he wont book my flight. I settled for that. Okay, maybe i wont be angry till then.
I smiled "Diek, you didn't hurt me. And for some reason, I'm not angry. So you don't have to be sorry for hurting me. I am not hurt."
He pulled closer "See, this is what draws me to you." He looked so wrong. Like he had been caught doing a goat, like he had been found guilty, he looked so wrong. i looked up at him. For one second i was sure he was on crack, but even that certainty didn't prepare me for this as i asked him:

DENIAL
"Why didn't you tell me you had a son?"
"I didn't have a son when you asked me"
okay, now i was a tab bit angry. This motherEffer didnt jut try to justify that shit
"Wait, so your conscience allows you to tell a person that you didn't have a child even though your child's birth was only a month away? Even though his heart had been beating for SEVEN whole months?! YOUR CONSCIENCE is THAT SKEWED THAT YOU CAN TELL A PERSON THAT WITHOUT BEING burchered to death with GUILT?!"
No answer. Of course. Why would he answer?
"Truth, you will always have a special place in my heart. I have so much love for you. I don't want it to end this way."
"A place in your heart? Right next to your wife and kids?"

BARGANING
Okay, then out of a funky blue:
"Would you marry me?"
I thought i had heard wrong. I looked on his face and got a confirmation. My ears weren't playing tricks on me. This idiot had seriously asked me that. And bloggers, i tell you this is the one moment i wish i could change that night. The moment that i answered the DUMBEST, most IRRATIONAL, question ever:
"NO! marry you ke? Are you out of your mind?"

Dumbest thing i ever said. I mean, if someone would have askd me "Truth, what is the sum of 1 and 1?" i would say "you're insulting my in telligence" if smeone was to ask me "Is the sky blue?"
I would say "Are you breathing"
Likewise, i don't understand why i actually answered his question. I felt so stupid. such silly questions don't deserve answers AT ALL!
He looked disappointed (can you imagine? what was he expecting?) as he looked away.

ANGER
There was a long moment of silence. Then came his unjust anger.
"But you shouldnt have looked through my computer now.." My eyes bulged out so quick "... that is invasion of privacy"
I wanted to slap him.
"INVASION OF PRIVACY??? INVASION? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT INVASION? OHHHH.... YOU SEE WHY SOME FEmAlES ARE BITCHES? BECAUSE SOME MEN DON'T R\DESERVE ANYTHING BUT TO GET BITCHED AT~ YOU FOOL! JUST BECAUSE I AM STILL HERE TALKING TO YOUR SORRY ASS YOU THINK YOU CAN FLIP THIS THING ON ME? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? OHHHHHHHH... SO BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE ME GETTING ALL IRATE AND FUCKIN EVERY SINGLE SHIT YOU GOT UP, YOU THINK YOU CAN... YOU KNOW WHAT?" I was so sure this shit was bout to turn inside out "anyway, you better just get me a flight home."
I didn't expect this:
"Okay"
Oh... i was expecting the goat to tell me he wont and try to kick me out of his house or something. Hmm... well,... i didn't expect it to run so smooth. He booked me the morning flight.
"I am so sorry. I hope this wont ruin things between us".
"Things? What things?"
He didn't answer.
I wanted to pee so bad, but i couldn't get up. I didn't trust him one bit. I fell asleep thinking.
I woke up in the morning to see he was already up and about to go shower. it was 5:40am. My flight was to be in an hour. He got out of the shower in about 20minutes. I heard his roommate get in right after him. I looked at the time.
At 6:20 the washroom finally became free. Well, the heifer knew i would need to shower before hugging the washroom for 20 minutes. And heaven knows heres NO WAY i was about to leave that city without freshening up. I packed my wallet with me as i headed for the shower. If he would have left the house without me, at least i would have his banking information in my wallet to use to book another flight and of course, to call a cab too.
I finished at 6:45. Yes, same time my flight was leaving.
We got in the car.

DEPRESSION
"I think you're going to miss your flight"
"I better not miss it"
"Look at the time, i think you already missed it"
"Well, i dont know what you expect me to say. All i know is i'm going home today"
He drove quietly.

When we got there, we were told that we had missed the flight. The ticket was $230. And also non refundable. The clerk at the airport said
"You can book a seat on the next flight. It would cost you an additional $200."
I replied "OKAY"
Turned to Diek.
He didn't dare look at me. He paid.

I got my ticket, turned around, a "bye" and left.

I got back to the city, relieved and a little surprised. I didn't expect things to go the way they did.
Later that evening i got a call. Mr. Diek was calling. I was at China's house so i asked her if she knew how to sing, she was surprised. I told her who it was that was calling and she agreed to sing to him on the phone. At this point, i didn't want any thing to do with him. I gave the phone to her.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to youuuu happy birthday to you" and she hung up.
We had a good laugh after that one. He called back again.
SHe picked it up
"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmass..." and she hung up.

He didn't call back for a few days after then. Then he started calling private. Now, he didn't speak. He would just hang up whenever I'd pick it up.
Even till this morning. He is yet to reach acceptance.

I have been calling his wife's number. Their home number. I have called private and even with other numbers. Not once have i had anyone answer my call. I wonder if the wife is away. I'm THIS close to calling his mother back home but whats the point in that?
Till this day, I'm not angry. I hate this sort of serenity because, i do want to be angry. But i am not.

Yesterday, he called me with his number visible (as opposed to the other times when he calls private)and asked me the silliest question ever (oh wait... scratch that). He asked "DO you remember how much the flight cost?"
I thought he was high
"Why would I remember? Arent you the one who paid for it? Why not check your records? why are you asking me?"
WIth that said, he hung up.
I thought about calling him back to curse his forefathers. But then again, thats what he would want; my attention. I know it kills him to know that i dont give a shit. And i know that hes stuck at Anger. Someday, he'll cross over that hill and make it to Acceptance.
Asshole.

My people, feel free to share your take on this... What would you have done? Or better yet, what do you wish you would have done or think that you should do?

To Catch a Lying-Diek (1)

2008-02-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

WARNING: My blogville people, please ensure you're seated because i cant be held responsible if you get syncopic from reading this story.

Okay, so i was happy to leave on Saturday night to go see my new boyfie... it was exciting! I'd be taking a 4.5hour flight. He got the ticket, cost 220bucks, and emailed the information to me so i was able to print it. I got to the airport late but thank goodness that my flight was delayed. I arrived in his city, and called him, he met me at the airport 10minutes after my arrival.

"HI!"
"You had me waiting too long. Please dont let that repeat itself."He held me... "I'm so sorry."
We went into his car, he drove there. For some reason, this trip seemed to be like a dejavu... i didnt understand why, but i do now. I didnt know then, but i had been there before. My blogville people, stay with me on this...

So, there i was with this man that is my new man. i needed something from him. I wasnt physically crazy about him, but i wanted to have sex with him (kind of hard not to seince we've talked about sex so often!) but most importantly, i wanted that "ish' factor... his drive, he truly is gifted, and iwanted a piece of that. Yeah, i said wanted... i guess by now, you've figured it out.

I went into his home, went into his room... there, as he had told me, was his furniture-less room. He had warned me that he didnt have but an airbed since he just moved there, he asked if i wanted him to purchase a bed before I got there and i had told him i didnt care. I didnt. I've slept with my b-fies on worse than airbeds. As materialistic as i am, i can also be so... sayy... thrifty(?)... i have suffered with men, and so have i enjoyed with them.

Anyway, so we slept...NOT! We kissed, and kissed, and kissssed...made out lots, decided he wanted to do the do so he had asked if i had brought condoms (i'd said i would buy some), i told him i hadnt and he didnt try hard enough to hide his disappointment. He wanted to do the do without it. That raised all the flags in my cerebellum as i whimpered the little words i had left in me:
"What? you would have sex just like that? you would have sex with me without a condom?" He looked confused.
"What if i had something? i mean,... what if you do? i mean... dont you love yourself?"
"No, i was only kidding, I wasnt going to ..."By this time, i had gotten scared shitless. I had made the wrong turn. I wanted the city to spit me right back into my rightful home. I knew something was up. My people, please know this:

IF ANYONE IS WILLING TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU THOUGH THEY HARDLY KNOW YOU, PLEASE, MAKE LIKE THERES A FIRE ON YOUR TAIL AND RUN, RUN, RUN...

My heart was hurt and my sense of security with this man, destroyed. I was with the wrongest person, in his bed, in his home, in his city, in his state... i wanted so bad, to be wrong. But i wasnt. Then he asked if i would go down on him! My people, some people LOve giving oral, i LOve receiving them. My oral cavity is quite petite, i dont do well with oral so accordingly, i said no. He asked if he could go down on me and i said "NO!" ,... at this point, i was scared to do anything sexual with him. So he started to play with himself and lord knows, that turns me MIGHTY on, so i siad, "Do you mind if i watch?"
"Watch? No, i dont mind" And watch i did.
"Well, i'll do you one better, i'll play with myself too"
This is a major turn on for me. Its hot to play with yourselves, watching each other. So, anyway, i decided to feel him... and feel i did.
I couldnt believe it. This man had bragged about his size, hence the name "Diek"! I remember him saying "My dick this, my dick that, my dick this and a whole bunch of that..." So i had asked him back then (since it seemed like he wanted me to ask so bad) "Diek, how big is your dick?"
"oh, its big. 8 inches"My brows spelt a big M as i asked... "EIGHT?"
"Yes, eight" He responded proudly
"Isnt that the regular size?"He looked puzzled "No! thats quite big!"Okay, its either i'd been lucky with most of my men, or this man is in some sad denial...
Okay, fast forward... yeah, him and i in the inflated bed, my fingers on my vaginity, other hand on his ... well, his.. snake. yes, snake. snake! You know one of those baby snakes??? I mean one of those BIC-pen looking ones... i didnt know if to stroke it up and down or to detach it to write a letter with!

I have decided, lord better give me a small fat dick instead of a long skinny one anyday because if i end up with a skinny one, i'll be bitter. Yes, that is my new petpeeve,: skinny pencil-like dicks!

The next day he claimed he wanted to go to church. He asked if i wanted to come but he didndt really ask...
"You want to come? but you dfont have to come if you dont want to."There are many times God wants me to go to church, but that wasnt one of the times. I was meant to stay home, besides, Diek obviously didnt really want me to come.

I stayed. He called me shortly after to ask for the directions to the church, he couldnt find the church. He ended up not finding it and decided he would com eback home. -

I went on his laptop after he left. I wanted to blog but i was scared. What if he traced my blog? My annonimyty is REALLY important to me. How do you speak Truth, if you know people are watching?

I went online, and then decided to check if he has some pictures on his PC. I saw one named "Pic"...
Ohhhh! This looks cool, what do we have here? Annnnddd! CLICK!
Who is this? shes cute... whats with her? she seems to have lots of pictures on here...must be an ex? maybe? Might be the one he said he was with 8 months ago...
He said the last time he had sex was 8months ago. He told me that in October. He also told me that on saturday. My blogville people, stay with me on this one...

So i decided to check if he was other albums...
ohhhh... this one is named... named... n-n-nn-nnnna-me-ddd...

My mind-jaw dropped. I needed a hand to hold me from falling, though i was seated, i was collapsing from shock.

"MY SON"
Two words, 7 letters, one space, and a big ol lie, found.

My mind trailed back to the first time we spoke... His words sounded like the soundtracks of my discovery moment as i recalled...
"Do you have any kids?" I had asked first.
"No." Two words, not stiffled, not screamed, not forced. Two simply spoken words.
"Do you have any children?" He asked. I laughed. I always find it funny when people ask me that. That question always reminds me that i am speaking with a stranger, someone who hasnt gotten to learn that i am anti-children-of-my-own.
"no, i dont have any. But i have dated men with kids. I dont mind men with kids." I always make sure to add that because its true. I dont.

So then, if that had been the trail of our convo, what was this file that i was about to ...CLICK!
And there it was, loads of pictures, same girl,only about 100pounds heavier... Same man, only looking about a lot more proud, and another soul... some innocent looking baby who resembled him, unfortunately for that poor boy. A beautiful mother, a father like him, yet he had to look like his father. The resemblance was outrageous.

At this point, i got into my proactive mode. I sent those pics to my email and friends, along with pics of his girl, i check further more and found TONS of information on his laptop:
Hotmail conversations with me, my double IDs, and tons of other females,... his wife (yes, wife)'s phone number, address, his mother and familiy's contact information, his social identification code, his business information (for his business account), his incometax information, his everything!
It wasnt until after i was done that i realised, he still had not returned! He had called me like an hour and a half ago to tell me he would be back in 15minutes! But snoopery wouldnt let me call him to hurry him up. I needed time, so i didnt bother calling him. By the time he had returned, i was done with all the transfers. I had enough information to send him to Lucifer's anus.

When he returned, he seemed so upset that he didnt find the church. Hypocritical son of a goose! How dare he even dare to step foot in a church? But,...i tried to keep my cool. I have to be smart, i have to get a return ticket home. We flirted, kised, i scolded him for being late since i had to make it look real. He asked if i wanted to go to a hotel for the night to be comfortable because all he had was an airbed. This is thesame man that had tried to convince me not to stay in ahotel before. I think he just wanted to have a place to go all wild. He was so sure he was getting some nookie. Oh well, we can all dream. He asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and i agreed, he claimed we would have to take the bus since he had already returned his rental car.
"Oh! I see... well, then have fun eating out!"
"What? you're not coming?"
"Not without a car. I didnt come to another man's state only to have to haul around in a bus, if you didnt have a ride for me, you should have told me. I would have stayed in my home!" "Seriously?" He looked usprised.
"Um, yeah! So, im staying right here and if starvation is my fate in this spoit taht i'm staying at, then so be it!""i was just trying to test you. The car is outside, lets go"
I was furous. Never test fire, it just might burn you.

"Diek!"
"Yes?"
"Do i look like one of your little persona-falsifying females that you usually come in contact with?"
"What do you mean? I was only joking nowww"
"No seriously! Joke with kids! I dont deal in children! If you want a female you can test, either get yourself a litmus paper, or get yourself one of your regulars!"
I was angry. But i think at that moment, i was being vulnerable. I was too easy to read. I needed to compose myself better. I told myself "STOP IT WOMAN!" ... and...

We went out to eat and flirted. He was my man, and i was his woman.

When we were going back, i appologised for not having the condoms that i had planned to bring him. I also appologised for not bringing the sex toy i had planned to buy him. The only reason i didnt but these things was because i had no time and besides, i had too many stuff in my bag. So i asked him../
"Lets go to a sex store and pick those stuff up."
But he didnt want to...
"no, i dont need them now"
I see, so not only are you a liar, you are also cheap. I know his type. He thinks i wanted him to pay for those sex items, truth is, i didnt. I was going to pay for them, but i let his foolish brains fool him.But it hought to ask
"Why dont you want it now? i mean, you were so excited to have it before"He didnt really give me an answer. Anyway... i already knew he was a snake, ... time for the kill.

When we got to his house, he asked again if i wanted a hotel and my people, i wpuld have agreed. BUT! I knew i could go to the hotel with him but i couldnt sex him. If i dont sex him, he might want to leave me at the hotel. I had to be smart about this. At his home, he cant forcefully push me out. Truth is, i can physically handle him. If i wanted to hold him down and make him beg for his dear life, i could have. But i wanted to be graceful, like the swan i can sometimes pretend to be lol.

"No, lets stay here." So we stayed.

Just then, i got a text from Nat
"Dont tell him, and whatever you do, dont act like anything is wrong, just go with the flow till you get your return ticket."
But by then, i was just so angry! Going with the flow would mean he would succeed at this! I couldnt do it! I wasnt about to keep beating myself up inside for someone else's sins! I called him to my side:
"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"
"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"

>>>TO BE CONTINUED<<<

Introducing... Mr. Deik

2008-02-02T03:59:00.000-08:00

I had told myself it would never happen. I had said that i would never do it. And in my defense, it really wasnt what i was expecting. I had simply logged on, hoping to get away from this life.
... logged on to the e-world ...
typed it out... 1234chatwithwhoever.com andddd... ENTER!

Name? username? hmm.. how about "Truthurts" andddd... ENTER!

I looked around the room, checked on the list... no one i really recognized. So, i chatted away... about absolutely nothing. We talked about my fav, topics; Equality, Societal gender stereotypes, Sex and the likes...

OH! what is this! A private message? i'm feeling a little nice today so i'll respond.
"Hi"
"How are you?"
"Fine"
"Where are you chatting from?"
"Bruhal" i lied "and you?"
"I'm in Bruhal too!"
We talked for a while and exchanged IMaddresses.
I added him instantly.

We talked, and i realised we had similar backgrounds. WHen he said he was Yoruba, i wanted to scream! Oh NO! Not another small dickie! okay, i'm sorry, i really am. The one and only yoruba man i dated had a pinky for a penis. It was sad. so excuse my fret!

But i'm not the easiest person to deal with. I am quite unconventional and he seemed to be traditional. I have always said that i can never be submissive to anything that does not honor me. Accordingly, i simply handpick the qualities within my culture/society that does that. Somebody shoot me for wanting the bes for myself... because that is all i want from this life.

So needless to say, Deik and i had quite a few clashes. We wuld talk for a bit and then stop communitating. Off and on.. just like that. Besides, I was in love with the act of another man at the time. And even after i fell out of love with that "play", i became wise, and hurt. I needed time to heal.

That was in October.
This is now.

In January, Deik and I decided to meet. He was to come over to my place. By then had already came clean to him about where i lived. He drove 50minutes to my place since i live out of the city. When he arrived, he called me
"Oh, are you outside?"
"yeah."
"Okay, i'll be out in a minute"
"Hurry oh! Because i have to use the bathroom"
LMAO my ppl! isnt that the oldest trick in the bookQ! so i replied
"No problem, i'll hurry out so we can get to the cafe so you could use the bathroom"

WHen i met him downstairs i thought he looked TOTALLY diferent from what i had pictured. He was MUCH smaller in weight and just as short. He had warned me about his height, so i was grateful for that. ABout 5'8... i wanted to laugh when he came to open my door, only for me to stand about same height as him. I hadnt dated a short man in a long time. This would take some getting used to.

Needless to say, by the time we got to the restaurant he said he didnt need to pee anymore. I wonder why...

We've been talking since then. With everything that i had been going through recetly, he had just been so suppportive, and encouraging. I thank God for everything.

Then came the questions "I would like to have a commited relationship with you"
jesus!
Okay, my people... let me explain it like this... COMMITMENTS GIVE ME THE JITTERS! I don know what it is about commiting to one person that makes me so nervous, and anxious! I LOVE dating, so when i get caught up in a position where a man wants to take it further, i get so nervous! i mean... does this mean i have to stop seeing other men?! what if i dont like him anymore but dont want to break up with him because i'm emotionally attached to him?! What if he starts thinkingthat maybe he would like to get married and i'm still not ready?! What if he has STDs?! What if, what if, what iffffssssss!!!

"UM... Truth? are you still there?"
".. hhyeahh.. um... Deik, i;m going through some hard times right now... can we discuss this when i get these isues resolved?"
"Sure"

He gave me a three-day break and asked again. This time, he caught me in a bad mood.
"You know what! dont want a relationship right now! i dont! besides, when and if i'm ready for one, you'll know. i need time to think, let me call you back"

We didnt talk for two days. I thought he would never call. I was glad when he did.

We've been talking since. The sexual tension between us is almost unbearable. He has come to visit thrice. The last time, he grilled me some shrimps... and lord knows the one sure-fire way to my heart is through my stomach. lol.

Hes met Darque and they seme to get along. This is important to me because i dont think i can be with a man who doesnt like dogs. not at this point.
A week ago, he had to move three states away. He is a contract lecturer and will be gone for six months. Hes only been gone a week... but lord knows i miss him. Tonight, i'll be flying over to see him. He found a place where he is, but has no furnitures yet... he also has a room mate.

I have tried to ignore him a bit and i hate to depict myself as this helpless being but truth is, i think i want him to hold my hand. He inspires me to grow, to do things that i havent been able to do. I want to steal a hint of his drive...
oh, and i want a piece of his dick.

This is my prayer:
Lord, you know how psychotically attached i get to my partners when i get in relationships. If this man isnt right for me... let me not go over to his place because i dont need another mistake of a man in my life at this point.

Okay, as i promised myself, i will compare him to my 10 commandments rule!
1.Never Settle: oh lord, this is harder than i presumed. I dont think i'm settling... am i? people, is the fact that hes shorter than i would have preffered settling?

2.Only those who encourages your dreams: Amen!

3.No discrimination: N/A

4.Honor with truth: I have failed this woefully! Okay, so remember i met Deik online, well the next day i talked to him, we had a misunderstanding and we didnt talk for a while. I went back to that chatroom with a different name only for thesame Deik to start chatting with me. Curious to know what he would say to this new character of mine, i told him a different name. Unfortunately, he had another argument with that other character of mine... and they stopped talking (permanently). I never told him about this. A week later, thesame thing happpened. this time, i had a third name. I got sick of him and ended up deleting his numbers because i got the feeling he was doing that with every girl in that room. I've decideed to confront him about this, when i go to see him tonight.

5.Put thee first: amen to this! its been my motto for as long as i can remember.

6.Healthy men only: He isnt combative (though he likes to tease), he doesnt smoke neither does he drink. For the most part, he d\seems healthy but hes so dedicated to his career... thats not always a good thing.

7. Hes got his own business and is educated. Currently at the Masters level.

8.Pride: Being the tradiional man that he is, he tends to just swallow his pride in some cases... other times, he can be sort of proud. Hard to explain

9.Nothing but adoration: amen!

10.Love thyself: always!

Mr. Brace

2008-01-31T02:08:00.000-08:00

I remember meeting him at this one club. That night, the club was packed. And i must say, the music was SOOO live! We danced and i couldnt help but to fall in love with him. I love it when a man can dance!

So i gave him my number. He looked yonger, but i thought i'd worry about that later.

He said his name was Brace. He worked security at the local supermarket... to say didnt like him would be to lie. I liked his personality. He was mighty reserved. never the type to raise his voice. The type that just never seemed to fret about anything.

So, how old are you, Brace?
"I'm 23"

hmm... too young.
But i tried. I kept him around for a while. i would have kept him around for longer. I would have loved to take it further. but i couldnt get past my discrimination.
I could never date a younger man.
Soon the calls trailed... one day, two day, a year...

I went out to get some groceries, left Darque in the car so i knew i had to hurry. Walked into the store, looked up. There about 30 feet away from me, stood a security guard. I wondered why he was staring at me so hard. Hmm... i looked up and him and it was like neither one of us was going to look away. Eventually, i decided to say hi
"hi!"
"hi, whats up?"
i didnt respond. Mission accomplished. He had stopped gawking.

Came back to the cash register before i realised who it was.
"Did you use to live in Maguratan?"
i looked at him... holy smokes!
"Yeah! oh my! i didnt know it was you! what was your name again?"
"Brace"
"righhttt! woow, nice to see you again"
we talked for a while and i took his number.
Awesome guy. Gentle hearted thug.

I cant wait to talk to him... we can catch up. But i know nothing romantic will come out of it.

How to be sick

2008-01-30T00:43:00.000-08:00

I just got home from an outing with the girls; Bra, China, and Caty. So! I had just gotten my car the day before (yeah, congratulations to me!) but hmm... well, Pipi had asked if i could drive both her and Bra over to the bar we were going to for the night. They knew that i had gotten the car, they knew that it was a shift (stick, manual, standard), they also knew that i had never owned a shift car... (okay my Blogville ppl, follow me on this!)

So what business was there of mine with a manual car???
WELL! I FELL IN LOVE! I FELL IN LOVE WITH A CAR THAT IS MANUAL AND DECIDED TO LEARN TO DRIVE MANUAL`!

Some of you may know that i have been going through some tough times lately, well those times got even tougher when i decided to buy a car that i love and not one that i could drive. Stupid? yes. Real? also, yes.

Deep inside this soul of mine is a really irrational too-damn-spontaneous-for-her-own-good chic that tends to do things just because she thinks she can. Well, its certainly made a Uturn to bite a chunck off my bottom!

So anyway, i got to their house and thankfully, Bra had driven over to Pipi's house making it much easier. Foxy was to meet us there. I got to Pipi's house, barely! While driving on the freeway, i was fine. But on the streets?! Oh my goodness! Stopping at the lights meant hell because once it turns green and i had to move, it would take me years and a lot of stuggle! anyway, i managed to keep the engine going till i got to Pipi's driveway.

So i went in, got ready. Got in the car... started driving...
China: are you okay?
Truth: yeah, just learnt how to drive yesterday... (i should have stopped here but...) yeah, i learnt it in one and a half hours.
Bra (eyes bulging): WHATTTT!!okay, i'll try not to freak
China: well, she drove here so she should be okay.

And i was, till i got to a hill! It was at a stop light so i had to stop. Now if any readers out there drives stick, you'll know that going up a hill is tricky and stopping at one is even tricky-er! Once you try to drive, the car slides backward toward the bottom of the hill! Oh lawd, so anyway, i put my hazard signals on hoping that the car behind me would move so i wouldnt reverse into it. For what seemed like eternity, the driver wouldnt budge. we were at a stop light on a busy street. Eventually, he moved, blaring his horn at me like it was his abosolute revenge! But even after he left, i couldnt get the car to stop rolling back. So i turned it off.

The girls were panicking.
Bra called her boyfie
Bra: babe! can you teach Truth how to drive a manual?
China was in the backseat, cracking up
Bra:no, i mean... now! We're on Bunir street, at a stop light, and she cant drive it.

Eventually, Bra's boyfie decided he'll come down to meet us. he would drive down with his car (automatic) that way,we could switch cars. I would drive his auto and he, my manual.It was the perfect plan for the stupidest situation. Until the cops arrived.

Once we saw them, i knew we had to make something up.
i turned to the girls "Okay, tell them i'm sick!"
Bra: yeah, tell them you feel like vomiting!
Cop 1 came up to the window: Is everything alright, ladies?
Truth: (pretending to be sick) i.. feel... like so nauseous
Cop 1: oh, you shouldnt be driving then... do you need an ambulance?
Ambu-whaaa! I dont want an ambulance! What if they find out theres nothing wrong with me! I just want to go out and party for my birthday cotdanggit!!! but i had to pretend, so...
Truth: yeah, i need gravol

And so an ambulance was called. In the meantime, i pretended i was going to throw up while Bra rubbed my back. It was the funniest thing ever. We were there for an hour. Caty showed up, i looked up at her and cursed her under my breath for not keeping a straight face. They couldnt tell, but i knew her heart was tearing up with laughter because she knew i was pretending. Bra called her boyfie and told him about the lie. the ambulance and paramedics showed up. If they assessed me, i would have to go to the hospital. HELL NAW! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIRTHDAY OUTING!!! I DONT WANT TO SPEND IT IN SOME HOSPITAL!!!

They asked me if i wanted an assessment and i refused, I reassured them that i would go to the local pharmacy to pick up some gravol. Bra's boyfie got in my car while Bra took his. As we were driving, the cops followed us for a while but they eventually left. So, Bra's boyfie and i got to talking and supposedly, i had been using the wrong gears! On the freeway, i was using gear2! and on the regular streets, i was on gear 1! Okay, lesson learned!

The girls and i had a good laugh about the acting we did. LOL! Life is so funny.
We went out to a bar, had a blast. One of the best times i have ever had. HAD A BLAST! Mr. Diek called but i didnt get to speak with him, called him when i got home, but he was already asleep i think... oh wait... backup! I havent even bloged about Mr. Diek!

Okay, i'm too tired now but i'll blog about him tomorrow or something. I'm crashing at Pipi's house, too tired to drive home!

Had a blast last night! Thank God for everything!

Mr. Bail ran halfway through the family!

2008-01-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, i've always wanted to share this guy's story but i just havent had the time to give a shit about writing about him. Well, i still dont. But i thought to write about something a little different... anyway, let me tell you about Mr. Bail.

I was online, chatting once like i sometimes do when i came across these two men. We seemed to be having a great convo. The other guy was discussing about his wife and kids, i was discussing about my inability to tolerate kids, and the man who was to become Mr. Bail was talking about both, with us. It was a great convo! Eventually the conversation ended and Mr. Bail sent me a private message asking if he could call me. I asked him for his number and he gave it to me. I called him shortly after. I was dead bored, besides, he had mentioned that he lived near where i do. So i called him. Just as we started to speak, things went a little funny. No not funny as in "haha" comedian funny but funny as in raise an eyebrow funny!

I asked Mr. Bail where he was from and he said he lived in NY (USA) and Buffalo (Canada). So what was he doing where i was? hes like "I'm here to visit some friends"

And why does he live in 2 different places? If my life was a movie at that moment, "Yahooze" would have been the soundtrack played. My flags went up, but something else made me continue the conversation (other than the fact that he seemed so intriguing and all).

I asked him how old he was, "39"
LOL my grandfather would roll in his grave lollll
I asked him if he had ever been married "Yes, twice"
LOL there goes another roll for old granpiii
I asked him if hes got kids "Yes, 2"
okay, at this point, i'm sure all my ancestors were doing backflips. it was evident, i was dealing with an ol school man. Then some infos started to synapse in my head...

My sisters Fierce and Aqua are both married. But before they did, they dated quite a lot of naija men. They are younger than Mr. Bail but being that my sisters are quite popular, i thought i better ask... but he beat me to it...

"Where did you say you live?"
"In Oaktown. But i'm in Aluwahlia at my mom's house now"
"Your mom lives there?"
"Yeah"
"I see. And your dad too?"
"No, they are divorced"
"Oh, goodness!" no, the way he said it, it wasnt like he was saying it because he was shocked that my parents are divorced. He said it like he had an "aha!" moment, like a light bulb just popped up in his head or something.
"what?"
"how many sisters do you have?" I automatically knew where this was going. i had been here before...Oh no, not again, not again, not...
"3"
"Did any of them use to live at VanKirst?" Dammit! Not again!!!
"Yeah." he let out a big laugh!
"I know you."

And he did. My mind raced back to years ago... i remember VanKirst. I was at Vankirst, visiting my sisters when i had my first period. How could i forget... i was young, they were too, but they were in their late teen/early 20s. They use to date a lot and they had a lot of admirers. So, i was exposed to these admirers, but i was just as equally protected from them. But once, Aqua allowed me to speak with one of them, over the phone. Till this day, i am yet to speak with any man with a milkier voice. He made me think Barry White had came back to life. I had a crush on him instantly... faster than you could spell "un-oh!"... and that crush disappeared the moment i gave the phone back and looked on my sister's blushing face
"Isnt he so sexy?"
"hmm... hes okay" I couldnt get myself to admit it. Not after seeing how she liked him (or crushed him). He, was the young Mr. Bail.

So once he realised it was me, he seemed ecstatic.
"I use to talk to your sisters, we were friends" I wanted to ask "what sort of friends?" but words failed me.
"I use to think at that time that your sister was the love of my life. But i coulnt do anything about it because i was going through my first divorce."LOL! "first" lmaoooooooo. Anyway, he continued...
"Aqua was such a good friend. A great friend. And she introduced me to Fierce"
now, i'm getting a clearer picture. Now, knowing Aqua, she probably wouldnt transfer a man to Fierce unless she thinks that hes short or too old for her or something (Aqua is tall. Much taller than Fierce. Aqua is younger.). I thought something was odd.
"I like you so much. It seems i'm meant to be with someone from your family. I mean, first it was Aqua, then Fierce, then you"
WTF! WTFFFFF! What the furrkkkk is this man saying? my head was running slow at that time but it was burning with each step!
"Well, Bail you know i still have one more sister" pun intended!!!
"LOL no, the third time is a charm"

Like all other "misters" that have tried to run through my family, i thought to cripple this one before it takes its next step. We decided to meet.

I decided to meet him by my friend's house. It was quite interesting. When we met, i fell in love! The devil is a liar, for he knows what he does. My Yahooze radar kept alarming once i saw his car.
This man was beautiful!
"You're like a cross between Jill Scott and Erykah Badu" Cheasiest line a man has ever uttered to me, though i loved it!
We talked for hours! I had parked my car and gotten into his. I was about 100km from home. He was about 200km away from his hotel. We'd been talking for hours!
"Let me get you a hotel" Please re read that statement of his. Yeah, he said "you", right? So i decided to ask...
"Where would YoU sleep?"
"On the couch" LMAO does this man think i'm really stupid? whats going on>??? i must have a stupid looking outfit on or something!
"You want to get the hotel so we could both sleep in there? So really what you meant to ask me was if you could get US a hotel"
He laughed. "come on... i would sleep on the couch. You look really tired, i dont want you driving so late when you're so tired. At least you could rest a bit at a hotel"
"Bail, if you want to get me a hotel because you cared, you wouldnt squeeze yourself into the offer. Dont try to make it seem like you're trying to do me a favor. Thanks anyway"

anyway, the night ended. On a good but hell' of confusing note. I knew i wasnt hearing the full gist. I had to talk to my sisters.

I called Fierce at work the next day
"Do you know a guy named Bail?"
"Bail?..." she searched through her repetoire... " bail, bail, bail..." she asked..."what does he look like?"
"dark skinned, older, cute..."
"did he say he knew me?"
"Yeah, you and Aqua"
"ohhhhh!" UP NEPAAA! there goes another light bulb "yeah! Aqua introduced me to him. why? you know hes like almost 40, right?"
embarrassed, i replied "yah, i know"
"oh okay. hes too old for you."She asked how i met him, i told her everything. Then i guess she realised why i had called. She said "Aqua introduced me to him, he came down from NY, we slept in thesame bed but we didnt do anything. nothing sexual at all. we didnt even kiss"
somehow, i was relieved. I liked this guy. he was so sexy, but "we didnt even kiss" wasnt good enough... not since it came after "we slept in thesame bed"
eww!

I got up the courage to ask Aqua and her story was even more odd.

"LOL! What are you doing talking to Bail? he owes me money!!!"
WTFFFFFF! "Money?"
"Yeah! I trusted him when i first met him. I gave him my bank card..." oh lawd, my sister is so silly... gave? bank card? "to go buy me something and he stole $1,000 FROM MY ACCOUNT!!!"my jaw dropped.
i mean, DROPPED OH!
"yeah, i called him numerous times he said he would pay me back. he never did! kept calling after that but he wouldnt answer his phone, and then he disconnected his line. He called me collect a year later, from jail to ask me to bail him out. I simply asked him if he still owed me a thousand bucks, he said yeah, so i said okay well he can have the thousand bucks. he should use the thousand bucks to bail himself out"
At that point, i wanted a gun. i wanted to shoot him.I thought up a thousand and two ways i could get him, and a few more on how i could screw him over, royally!

But a friend had told me "Its wayyy to exhausting trying to hurt people"
He wasnt worth it.
I never answered his calls.
He called for weeks after. He would even call out my name in the chat room whenever he would see me... send me private messages... but to me, a person who had tried to have relations with 2 of my sisters, stolen from one, is almost forty, married and divorced twice, with two kids, and is yahoozing... really... need i say more???

He wasnt worth it.
Chapter closed.

Nightmare galore!

2008-01-27T17:18:00.000-08:00

Whats with these nightmares i'm having?
And it always seems to happen when i sleep in the day and i really didnt wantto sleep today but i had one of those headaches that just wouldnt go away! So i forced myself to take a nap,

In my dream, i had gone out with a male friend and we met a white girk friend of his there. I decided to drop them off at home when the night was over. On our way to their place, we passed by these cops like about 150 miles before their house. I dropped them off, then proceeded to try to get into my car,...

And out of nowhere came this black dark skinned guy! He jacked me for my car!!!

And in the dream i remember telling him "Oh Hell naw! you cant even do that! I just got jacked twice recently and this is the replacement car for my car that was stolen and the car that wAS stolen was the replacement car for the one before then!"

He didnt seem to care, he stole my car from me.

And i tried to scream but no one heard me even though it was quiet outside and the neighbours were still asleep and the cops were just down the street.

Oh it was devastating in that dream! And just after it happened, my friend popped his head outof his apartment building to yell "Good Night!" at me... He stopped, looked out and asked where my car was, i told him i just got jacked.

"Again?!"

And then i woke up.

No, seriously,... whats with these dreams???

Dedicated to us.

2008-01-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to us. The fighters, the soldiers, the children, the victims, the predators. Us, the blind men. Us. The protestors.

"Hey mister loverman, can i get a chance to talk to you? cause you are fighting with a dead man's corpse. And you dont know what you do."

Darquest love

2008-01-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

I really dont want to cry but i know i'll get teary writting this.

Do you know what she does for me?
Sometimes i watch her and just knowing that she is so vulnerable, so naive yet so carefree, makes me want to hold her.
I want to steal a piece of her somehow. I want to tell her in words that she would understand.
"i love you"
Because you have no idea what you do to me.
And neither do they.
And i understand that. I dont expect them to get it.

I sometimes lay watching her,... my furry little child lol
chewing on just about anything,
no she aint picky!

Table tip, carpet tip, chew her tail, my socks, visitor's shoes, chew just about anything.

I cant stand it when she chews my shoes!
I find myself yelling

"WTF! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAID FOR THAT?"
and i feel stupid right after cause she never gets it. To her, its a game. She simply wags her tail and hops about like a bunny.

She defecates and urinates, EVERYWHERE! (no, really!)
she has marked her territory in my living room, my dinning room, my washroom, my bedroom, AND ON MY BED!!!

I'm learning how to train her and being that i am the lazy nubian goddess that i am, i have decided to litter train her instead of taking her outside to "do her business".

Right now, she is playing by herself, with her toy,,, oh,... there goes another pee in my den!!!
oh lord!

I have banned her from the dinning room (because she poos in there) yet she sneaks in there whenever she thinks i'm not looking. I know because i see her feces in there sometimes and i know they didnt walk there by themselves!!!

She plays hide and seek with me. Hides under the couch, hoping i'd come find her. She plays mudslide only with water... (i hate it when she does this!) she splashes water onto the floor by dipping her paws in her waterbowl, so she can run and slide across the floor. She plays tug of war. I pick up one of her toys and she hops to grab it, eventually she ends up tugging for it. Sometimes when she wants to play, she'll bring one of her toys to me. She plays fetch, but she is horrible at it. When you get her to go fetch something, she goes to get it but never brings it back lol. She plays a few other games that are harder to explain.

She understands a few commands. "Stay", "Stay here", "NO!", "Stop it!", "Good girl", "Get down!", "Get back" "Come get a treat" and of course, her name "Darque" which she usually ignores whenever she wants to be stubborn...

She is a show stopper. Whenever i take her out, i get ready to answer questions about her. She doesnt help matters neither. She craves attention; hops on just about any stranger who shows her ANY bit of attention... yeah... gotta love her!

She takes a lot of naps since shes still a baby. She also tends to whine when i pick her up to take her to her bed. See, she sleeps at my feet till i'm ready to go to bed. Then i usually end up waking her and picking her up, hence the whining...
I go ther a bed. Shes turned it into a toy. She drags her bed all around and chews on it for fun. I've gotten her a travel cab that shes turned into a scratch pen. To scratch the hell out of it is fun for her.

I've given her four baths so far and each time, i get so scared because it takes so long for her to get dry (cant use dryers. shes scared to death of it).

Oh, and shes scared of anything that makes a sound! ANYTHING! she barks at things when they fall (usually things fall because shes disturbed it. then she runs away and proceeds to bark lol).
She isnt very good with other dogs because she is inexperienced with them. In the summer, i'll get her more familiar with other dogs so she can learn not to harass them so much when she sees them. Dogs usually leave her be when she starts barking at them. I guess because they realise that shes just a child... and a small one at that.

I'll try to write more about her... so i can look back years from now and see how much shes grown.

I worry about what is going to happen to her. I have had to be out of work since last year (i was ill... which is part of the reasons why i've been sort of MIA) and havent worked since i have had her. I'll return to work next week. I wonder what i'll do with her. I wonder how i'll care for her and my job since i work 4 cities away from home.

May God help me.

But, shes been my blessing... and my struggle.
I look at her and i want to give her the best i can so we can have the best relationship, so she can have the best health. But being the unstable person that i know i am, i wonder if i didnt short-change the poor soul. But i need her. I need her joy, her ambiance. I need that soul that lays within her. I need the very being that she is that makes her so joyful everytime she sees me. I need the memory shes got that makes her forgive me everytime i am wrong.I use to hit her, then i stopped because i realise it didnt work. havent layed a hand on her since the day i read some research that it would only make her lose trust in me.

She is my dog.
4 pounds, 3 ounces.

And in most cases, she is the one being that loves me the most.
1billion dollars couldnt measure to that.

DREAMSPEAKER? APPLY WITHIN!

2008-01-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, this must be why i never remember my dreams... cause they're so darn horrific!
So i had nothing to do today... i figured i'd take a nap.
Didnt know i was diving into some nightmare realm.
So, i dreamt that i and a friend (dont know who) had gone somewhere to a store. But the store wasnt a sales store, it was a servicice-providing store. Dont remember what sort of service exactly. Probably manicure, physiotherapy or something.
Anyway, we got there and met with the receptionist, a white overweight girl who had her hair in a bundled pony-tai. She appeared to also be one of the regular service providers. I didnt seem to notice much about her but she was a little odd. Anyway, shortly after we got there, her co-workers went off duty. Their shifts were over so we were left there with the one girl.

There we were, when everything seemed to get foggy!
All i remember is that i woke up (in my dream) and there was blood all over! The girl I came with had been killed. I never saw the body but somehow i knew that she had been killed. The staff girl had killed her. And not only had she killed her, she had also attempted to kill me! She had chopped my fingers and other body parts (i dont remember which ones) but they were all still attached to me.

At that point, i was scared. I started brainstorming how to get her to keep me alive. I decided to play the psychiatrist. I started talking to her, million thoughts running through my head but i tried to keep calm. It was all i could do not to scream but i chatted with her, casually. She eventually asked us to go out for drinks and hoping that that would get me on her good side, i accepted. The blood on my clothes was minimal and it was pitch black outside so no one would see the blood. We walked over to some bar that had no one in it, not a soul. We talked and she found that we had a lot in common. The conversation revealed to me that she was angry at the world. She was just so angry!

She alienated herself from the world because she felt like the world was against who she was.
We talked for so long. And after a long conversation, casually decided she was going to go catch the bus to go home (yeah, even though she had a body at her workplace down the street, and another walking butchered meat in her presence). I walked her to the bus stop and as we walked outside, i could see there was absolute chaos out there. There were cops everywhere walking amongst the people waiting for the buses. She seemed to have not noticed the cops as she got in the bus.

"Goodbye gurl"
"Bye hun"

As she got into the bus, i saw her turn around to give a goodbye look. At thesame time, a skinny male cop was passing by me. I wanted to remain calm but I couldnt do it. I got so emotional. I couldnt believe i had escaped with my life. I whispered to the cop "sir, can you wait a minute". He had hardly heard me and asked "Pardon me?". I couldnt repond. I wanted her to be out of sight before i told on her. Besides, i was in tears! Tears ran down my cheeks as i attempted to repond to him. He saw that i was crying and realised that i must have something to do with the body they had just found. As the bus was about to pull away, I crossed the street with him as he held me by the shoulders
"You're going to be okay"
I told him... "I know who did it"

I gave my report to the cops and went in to see blood all over the place. I wanted to see my friend's body. I wanted to see who it was... but...

I woke up to hear Darque (my puppy) scratching my bed, hoping to wake me up (probably because she wanted food!). I wanted to get back to sleep! I wanted to see who it was!

That was a nightmare!!!

ANY DREAMSPEAKERS OUT THERE???

11 months, 10 days... of peace

2008-01-21T19:18:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it takes a little to know it all.
This time it took a whirlwind to appreciate it.

And now, i want that back.

Thank the one that looks down
that lets the rain fall.
Thank the one that carved that sun
that curves the moon each time
Thank she that makes those cocoa eves
and the simple joy in smiles.

Thank the God that blesses the earth
so that we never sink to hell///
Thank him that when we step
We dont sink in the dirt

I thank him for the rains of peace
I thank him for the days i have seen
i thank her for the many struggles i have had

Because i know he must be fair
he has no other choice DAMNIT!!!

If i have had this much trouble this year,
He better know that he owes me BIG!
So i'm simply asking him
to give me the rest of the year off...

Now, do you think you can do that for me, God?

Near End

2008-01-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

I feel
like i am near end and its chilly out here
like
my winter is coming and i am not ready
i feel like i am
......
i am scared.
of what is to come.
and i want to stop it.
but i couldnt help that one time.
so i cried.

i am. getting there.
and i dont want to be.

Gone like he was never here, Mr. Harley...

2008-01-02T00:34:00.000-08:00

Swept up with the waves
and the dirt on my liivng room floor
bones,tissues,the pamphlet that came with the christmas lights...
plastic bag,furs and gourmet sugar packs...
oh... and you...
i'll sweep you up.

Your numbers and that familiar grin that i so longed to own
your
contacts
and
that dark-though-so-damn-clean persona that i wanted to belong
oh how i'll miss that feeling of thinking so surely that you were of the species that i believe must exist
and how i see through what is next well through the next of that
you have no idea how much i know you
though a stranger
i know you, mister sire...

in my memory you lay future played
and i resent you though you've done no wrong.
yet.
in my memory i see you words falsofied and so adored till the day when yesterday will happen.

but i'll cut it short.
save you the game.
save me those hate.

your number, was swept up.

Unconditionally

2007-12-31T14:39:00.000-08:00

A few hundrend years ago yall two were one
sippin juice from the same sippy cup
drinkin contaminated water-like stuff from assigned fountains
now you wanna tell me it dont deserve no where but out
when you two were once one.

ten thousand four billion more active
follicles proliferating like teratogenic cells
and each lick reminds you of where its mouth had just been
wondering why you even picked it up from the pound

You would never know what this friend gives
Purchased friendship that keeps asking
everyday i feel like i owe it
for it teaches a love that i have missed for so long

A few hundrend years ago, us two were one.
Drinking contaminated juices from that same sippy cup
once upon a time you and i were dogs
that they owned for a mere bucks
A few years ago us two were these
you seem to have forgotten what they lacked was love

unconditionally across species' worlds.

runs this life so much easier
when we decide to love all that shares it with us.

BLOGVILLE Remembering 2007 Meme

2007-12-29T07:13:00.000-08:00

The first person to comment on your blog in 2007: Ubong da
Your favourite post of yours: "Let me never know beauty, if it isnt ,me." 2."How an orphan sold me coffee" 3. "Its a girls!!!" 4. "Deaer Miss. Right"5."Antie Twuth came to life again" 6."The horny truth"
Your least favourite post of yours: "Hair Shmair"
Your favourite post of another blogger: Oh this is a tough one.
Your post that drew the most controversy:
Did you lie in any posts this year? i skewed the truth to maintain my privacy, yes.
If yes, why? to maintain my privacy.
The post that touched me the most: there are so many! and i'm sure some that i dont remember.
Three great blogs you just discovered this year: Desperate lady, Positive girl, and Ivanna If we ever met in person, i would get along with these three bloggers: Mona, and a few others i think
Thank God this is blogville so i never have to meet: oh, how i would like to make a list. But i'll be grown, and wont.
Ten great blogs i discovered this year: mona's blog, Desperate lady's, Positive girl's,
Welcome to blogville: Desperate lady, positive girl, luxsious girl, Ivanna, Mona,
I am addicted to your blog: Ivanna and Desperate lady
Wow! This year, i have had this many posts: 156!
Lastly, give these five awards to deserving bloggers: 1.Most intriging blog. Soul Seared Dreamer: 2.Most educating blog. 3. Blog-geniality: Mona 4.Hidden treasure blog 5.Most beautified space-blog: Zephi.Lulu and Afrobabe(love the shoe!) 6.Most revealing blog: i have so much respect for people who are able to have their pictures on their blogs. To me, that is the most revealing thing you can do. 7.Whatever happened to: BLISS GIRL!!! what happened to her blog! 8. Best fantasy blog 9.Best real-life blog: 10.My one favourite blog.: to be honest, mine. This blog has taken so much, yet replenished so much, in me.

Please, welcome Darque.

2007-12-27T05:42:00.000-08:00

The shelter that i was to get Pingo from, wouldnt give him to me before Christmas.
It really made me mad because they had said that i would make a good owner for him.

Yet,
1.They decided to keep him longer in a lone crate

2. They asked for at least a "$200" donation

3. They said that they would have to accept multiple applications.

What eventually made me give up on Pingo was that i went back there to see him on the 23rd, only for them to introduce me to "Cookie"

Here is a picture of Cookie (stolen from google)

cute, isnt she?

well Cookie is 3years old. Shes got a bad case of athritis in her hind legs, and another in her left hip. It must be congenital because she is too young to have these health issues.

Anyway, they asked if i wanted her.
Now here is the funny part:

1. I could have Cookie immediately

2. I would have to sign a medical waiver (due to her health issues and because she'll need surgery soon)

3. I could have paid less than $50 for her

if this world isnt corrupted, I DONT KNOW WHAT IS!

Here i was thinking that the shelter is there to rescue dogs, not knwing that they are there to sell rescued dogs to the highest bidders.

Can anyone say "legalized crime?" or is it "immorality"?

I figured instead of paying money into such a disgusting intitution, i would just go purchase one from a breeder.

And so i did.

Here is Darque.

Darque is a pug just like Pingo. She is so cute! Hope God blesses her for me.
She is a 9.5weeks old pug.
Please, welcome her.

All i want for christmas, is Pingo....

2007-12-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

I cant help but write this teary eyed
i want you.

I dont know why we wait to get what we want. Would someone like to tell me? I have waited long enough. I have waited too long.
Kiss helped me a few weeks ago by asking "what are you waiting for?"
Then i realised, i have been waiting for the day it'll be too late.
But i decided not to wait anymore!
what better time to get a dog than now?
I love dogs! I absolutely LOVE them! I'm scared of the bigger ones that bite but i love gentle dogs. I do, and i have decided, i'll have this one too.

I met Pingo today at the dog shelter, and i tell you, i want Pingo BAD!!!
I have been told that i have to wait 5days before i can adopt him whilst other applicants are considered. I applied today, which means i'd have him by Christmas.
Please, somebody pray for me. I want this dog on Christmas day!
Please, all i want is him for christmas! Will you please pray that i get him?!

For more info on pugs, please click the link below...
http://www.mrbreeze.com/tracy/pugforyou.shtml
Here are a few pics
http://community.livejournal.com/pug_pics/

Praising you

2007-12-21T08:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, i got tagged by Mona, so here i am posting this. I love this too beacuse it isnt about giving to yourself or praising yourself, its about praising someone else... anyway, here we go...

Post a note about a blogger you would like to see something wonderful happen for.maybe one whose posts have touched your heart in one way or another.Include details as to why you amire them and what you wish for them. Be as supporting and affirming as you can.post your favorite memory around selflessness, giving or doing for others. Something that has actually changed you.As a postscript, name one thing you will actually do for someone in your life before December 31 that is born out of joy.tag 3 other bloggers who will play the game and find the spirit.Dont forget to leave a comment on their blogs to share the good feelings.here are my choices:

Ivanaa and Desperate Lady... In you i see myself, distorted, confused and so damn eager to get the "he". I am not at that point yet, but i know that life makes us so lord knows, i may be where you are someday. I admire you in a lot of ways because i feel like you've made yourself up career-wise... i love that. I feel like you can (due to desperation) end up with the wrong man. I dont want that for you, and so this is my wish to you two: i pray that you find self love and contentment, that you find beauty in life itself, that you find joy in just being and that God gives you what is best for you. I pray that you find the ultimate love and that God consoles you in ways that makes you feel whole.
Positive Girl... for you, i wish ultimate health and divine love. I wish you find the true meaning of life and that you find people who truly love you(i think you already have) not only because you deserve it, but also because i think that ties in with finding the true meaning of life. If ever you feel lost, angry or depressed, remember that you were not given one more moment on this earth just to waste it. Your life is even more precious now. Live it till its last drop.
My favourite memory around selflessness: i think everyone does everything for a reason so i dont believe you can be TOTALLY selfless... i mean,... even Mother Teresa, did the goods she did so she could get a positive feeling from it. But i guess relatively, that is what selflessness is. This year, a few days ago, a man did something for me that amazed me. You can find the post here: http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/12/mr-license-plate-bead-111.html . I named him "BEAD 111" as his license plate read. He stood by me at a time when i did not want to stand by myself. May God bless him and his.
One thing i will do for someone before the 31st: i will share my life. (details later).

TAG! YOU"RE IT!!!:
1. Gishungwa
2. Luxiouslucie
3. Afrobabe

Mr. license plate # "BEAD 111"

2007-12-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

I want to write you a "thank you" not to you, since you'll never read this. But to destiny, to your life, to your future.
I want to bless you, as you have blessed me.

You didnt know me. I was just a mid-twenty year old black girl, in a car, approaching you for help.
What you didnt know is that i have been in that same spot for an hour. I dont know what the weather man said but my toes were frozen so much that they were starting to feel like open sores. They were "peperish"!
A minute before you showed up, i called for a tow truck; i would have to wait for 2-3 hours!
How would i do that? I was already frozen!

My fingers were bricks. Couldnt feel my toes. Who asked me to wear heels? Why didnt i wear better boots?

I approached you and asked you for help.
You took the time and helped me.

Mr man, it took us an hour! First you shoveled the snow so my car would have room to move tom then you asked for some boys to help us push the car, we got it pushed then you gave me a boost.

All the while someone was calling you ... your wife maybe? You must have had somewhere else to go.
Neverthelss, you took the time to help me.
You did not have to.
I was frozen... neither one of us had gloves on.
Mr haitian man with License plate # "BEAD 111"!!!
I bless you.
Have you got kids? i bless them!
In the name of the one and only God that created us, i bless your future!
All that is meant to be good, will be yours!
People like you, make me love humanity. Make me never want to complain. You are a gem, and i pray that you will meet favours in all your ways.
Amen.

Another woman's man; TBS

2007-12-16T14:56:00.000-08:00

About a week and a half ago, TBS started texting me.
I must admit, i dont have anything for him at the moment, but i'm not sure i can ALWAYS maintain that.
This man has been my everything, for so long... its hard to just dismiss him.
SO when i tell him he must not call me, and he ignores that, i cant help but answer his calls.

But i havent hated him as much as i have in these past few days.
When i left him, i was so mad at him, that i was numb.
I was so sure of my decision that i didnt even think twice.
Didn't go through the usual questions:
How much did this hurt me? Am i sure i want to leave him? COuld this be resolved?
NO!
It was the least complicated thing i have ever done.
The moment he said it, i knew immediately that we werwe through.

But it wasnt the first time we would be through. Neither is it the 2nd,3rd,4th,5th,6th,7th,8th,9th,10th...
Keep in mind, i have known him for 7years.
But in that one moment, all those 7years, meant nothing.

Just because you have a history with someone does not mean you must keep making history with them.

It was over. The time had ran out.

I understand he misses me. But i cant help but feel like he is being selfish for calling me. If you miss someone, chances are they are missing you too. He makes it SO MUCH harder for me to move on for as long as he keeps calling me!
He knows he isn't good for me. He isn't for me. And i understand that i am not for him too. SO why call me? SO we can prolong this "freiendship/relationship" that isnt meant to be? NO! I dont want another woman's man for one more second of my life! He isnt for me, so he must go!
so since he has been calling, i have been asking him not to. Then i stopped asking him. Instead, i became offensive. See, i know what we have had, and i know that if i dont get rid of him now while dont have feelings for him, it might never happen. I have said everything i can think of to discourage him from calling.
He continues to call.

Till yesterday. He called and asked if he can see me. I declined. He asked where i was, i reminded him that he has no right to know. I toldf him i was busy and would have to call him back, he wouldn't get off the phone. I hung up.
He didnt call back,.
He hasnt call back.
I hope to God he never does because God knows i cant continue to have him in my life.
Chapter, re-closed.

Missing home

2007-12-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

If i was to tell you how it feels, maybe you can join me. C'mon, say it with me.
I'd say i've felt it but something tells me i havent known it in its entirety.
So yes, it feels odd to be alone.
Like they say, misery loves company.
But i dont want you to be miserable.
Hopefully i am too cynical to get it
and i hope that is what it is
i hope that i am wrong
or that there is a bit of jealousy that wishes you wont get there before me
i hope this
hoping that you have found the "it"
and that that "it" is he
while I let you live it.

Now how thew fuck do i get home?! When will this storm ceaze?

You never loved me, so i left.

2007-12-12T10:47:00.001-08:00

Where do i start?
hmm.
its a tough one.
because i know that i love you. i know it.
everything that is dark, reminds me of you.
and i would love to feel that you cared
but you didnt love me, so i left.
i deny you here,
i deny you now.

You told me i would never be anymore
just a mere rose in an atic
withering, waiting to be replaced by the next best thing
a mere trophy heating up to age by the fireplace
you said i would never be.
but i wanted so much more.
i wanted to be loved.
i wanted you to love me, like i love you.
i thought i could make you... but...
oh you dont know how much i hate you
for never giving me the fair chance to show
i knew that we could be so much but...
never once did you love me...so i left.

I met him years ago.
thought i could take from him to share with you
i'd always tell him about you
tell him you've got a heart of Gold
tell him your i love you so
and whenever he'd ask if you loved me too?
hmm!

SO!
I met him years ago
thought i could steal from him to bring to you
thought this could bring us to the place i've seen us been
our eden where our petals would bloom
but
hmm
you did not love me.
you shauned me.
threw my gift in my face
i rememeber the day
jealousy masked the you i once knew
as you told me i was still, none.
you yelled at me
to bow to you, to appologise
for standing up.
but i'm sorry. i was already tall.
Oh it hurts me, so i curse you in pain
with each pang of hate that wells in me i know
you have never cared for me
so i left.

i'm with the one who truly appreciates me.
one who tells me i can be.
this.
that.
and all that is in between.

Africa!
your culture has betrayed me
MY CULTURE! hates who i want to be.

i'm sorry to turn my back to you but
you have never loved me true.

I can stay at home and look good.
keep my legs crossed for the first 25 years of my life.
fighting the streams of urges that welled between my thighs
and even in times when your boys taunted me
and the time when one stole a piece of me
25years and its all gone
yet i must never tell,
"mum" in fear
for to be raped is to be trash
Oh i hate what you made of me!
you didnt love me, so i left.

And within those years, i must achieve a certain level of education
that still wouldn't mean a thing
for once a man flashes that ring
or maybe a few bags of beans
i am to succumb and bow to him
i would then be his queen
and even in times when he may beat me
and times when he may cheat
i am to hope that he comes home in peace
then wonder why my vagina itches uncontrollably
who am i to say "no" to him?
i am married. I am to be his.
How dare i contemplate it?
who am i but this?
"mum" in shame
for to leave is to be trash
oh i swear on your tempting sands
i hate what you have made of me
baby, you didnt love me so i left

There is a 5-year period of ignorant grace
Once i turn 30, all hope is lost
no man would ever want
a woman that has been divorced.
Never mind that she didnt choose to be barren
who giveths babies?
is it not the who they call "HE"?
who says you must be a bearer of kids?
must my womb carry his seeds?
But you are Africa
where a woman's clock ticks
ticks-faster than her brain can think
tocks-harder than his switch hits
and much sooner than little kids get pricked.
i tell you once again.

I DENY YOU!

for you have denied me.
i am not one of yours.
i have picked the one that loves me.
and no one should blame me.
i simply went to the highest bidder... that one that is willing to let me live at ease.

Afri,
lose my number.
please do not call me.
i am now free.
You never loved me.
So i left.

MY Dada's Daughter

2007-12-07T06:08:00.001-08:00

In light of everything that is going on,
Ambition and I decided to take dada to one of his diagnostic doctor's appointments.
This time, it was a colonoscopy. He was to have nothing to eat, only drinking, prior to the appointment.
He obliged, but when one of his silly friends told him that eating potatoes wouldnt affect the procedure because potatoes clear out of your bowels really quickly, he listened and had some.
He didnt tell us this, or i would have told him not to.
so needless to say, they couldnt proceed with the procedure so we had to reschedule for the next day.
I dropped dad off and Ambition and I went to her school where she was to have her last presentation at the school.
I'm so proud of her. She did so well and even won a price. I went out later to meet with another friend who went with me to go adopt a dog. We didnt find one though... not one that is suitable enough.
She is who she is, hence the name Ambition.
Anyway, so the next day, i went to the hospital with dada to repeat the colonoscopy and it was successful this time.
Then went over to his house after.
Brought back memories.
I broke my promise, but with no regrets.

...10years ago, i promised never to return to his place.
10 years later, i swallowed my promise.
10 years later, he's learnt to repsect me.
1 year ago i promised not to let him back in
1year later, i am speaking to him.
its great that we can take breaks... and then return back to where we left off, or simply skip the hurdles, bridge to the better days.

he gave me so much food to pack with me
2 different types of spinach, garri, maggi cubes, apples, pepper, egusi, and cooked ogbono (did i tell you hes a greta cook?!). We went groery shopping... i picked up some ox-tail, fillet cod fish, stew chicken, stew pork etc... which he paid for. its funny watching him pay for my grocery. He had not paid for anything for me for years... i must have been about 15 the last time. Not only that, i have refused gifts from him for a year. Our last fight was about money and the way he spoke to me.
I am his daughter.
He is my father.
i will respect him and tolerate his presence in my life, only for as long as he repects me while he is in it.
plain and simple.

So on our way to his house after doiung grocery, i got yet another reminder...
i am my dada's daughter.

I was trying to make a left turn to get out of a parking lot. When a navy coloured PT cruiser backed into my car. i stopped my car, got out, so did Dada. Looked up, out came a middle-aged black woman from the passenger side, and a black teenage-early twenties boy out of the driver's side.
"Hi" i said to the woman as i walked around to assess the damage.
i dont even know if she responded. I saw my light, the back fog one had been knowkced out, dangling by its wies. I fixed it back in. My back left tire's hubcap is a little loose. I kicked it abck in. I turned around ...
"Well, no damages"
"I'm so sorry!" said the woman
"Oh thats okay, nothing was damaged." i looked at the boy. He wore my brother's expression on his face. Just another black boy. I looked at the woman. I couldnt help but to see my mother.
"Thats okay... we're sisters"
"Oh thank you so much!"
i gave her a hug
"soo sorry, and thank you so much"
"no problem. have a nice day"
and we got back in the car.
i was back in the car before i realised.. i am my dada's daughter.
His blood flows through my veins, his characters echo in my actions...
Reminds me of years ago back home
Same shit had happened.
But he never had the heart then to sue the man who knocked into him
and i didnt have a heart then to act against the black boy who knocked into my car.

anything but this

2007-12-03T22:09:00.001-08:00

Something solemn, yet strong... one'a those poems i can look back on. Them poems that makes me reminice the days i use to rule words, you know?
but i cant seem to get inspired enough. and i cant seem to think of anyother thing.
than the one that i miss.
and i have told myself that i couldnt
must i miss the love we'd make.
and i dont want to talk about this
and i dont want to write about it
so i wont

Diary to self

2007-12-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

Diary to self: i called MAry a few days ago. And maybe now,i can finally confront my feelings in writing about this one soul that i met years ago... Mary.

Eye of the storm

2007-12-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

So Kiss and I decided to take a trip to St. Luciendo a spanish-speaking city west of here. We got caught in the storm. I've never came so close to dying so often in so little time thatn i have in these past 3days. TBC

Flicks to rain

2007-11-29T14:09:00.000-08:00

Squeeeeze me! Hold me tighter, lets see if we can ever become...
...1...
Because if it is ever possible
this would be the moment
paparazzi bout to miss it
but record's to be broken
we are about to be

.....1.....

Lick me flick your tongue faster than flappers tail
flick me rhythmically fastly so much
it only feels like a magnetic
...touch...
hold ma clit to its threats and shake it
flick me like your tongues running a marathon
up down and around dont you ever stop
do it like i've always dreamt...
.....of....

But i want to come and you want me to
but i want you to come with me too
i look down and all i see is your head doin me
bowed down to bless ma clit you are testing me
but i cant wait if you keep flipping me
and i cant wait for you to move away
yet i dont want to wet your face
but you keep goin like you asking for it
i can always say i'm sorry,
later,
a-f-t-e-r- i have rained
all-
over-
your-
f-f-f-f-f-f-fffffffffaceeeeee.

DAMMIT! I WET DE DAMN BED AGIN!!!

now how we gon get rid'a dis damn pussyjuicestain?
oh shit! sorry i wet your face... quit laughing, its not funny!
okay, come here...i'll wipe that smile off your face in a minute...

You are remembered.

2007-11-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

In the arms of an angel
Far away from here
In the arms of an angel
May you find
some comforting.

Yesterday

2007-11-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

i almost missed you.
almost enough to pick up my phone.
almost wanted to hear you.
but i swear i heard you.
deep in my mind, so lightly you said
"i wanted to call you too."
and a ray of doubt made me imagine hearing you ask me
"what do you want?"

but i wasnt about to find out.
i almost called you.
i almost missed you.
almost wanted to see you.
but almost doesnt count.

no chance for a relapse.
its over.
been over.
and i'm glad.

In their shoes

2007-11-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

how fucked up is it? that the one that dont want me, is the one i want?
lol
yeah, laugh with me cause this is a trip! i swear i'm nuts!
yeah, the bitch that seemed to open ma shit up, and fucked me up till the pain got worse than death its damn self, is the same man i want...
but i'd be lying to maself
if i was to say that i want him for me.

no,
truth is,
i want him, for my pride.
i want him, to prove to me that i can have him.

and how fucked up is that?
and here i was thinking i knew what i had in me.
that i knew that i can have him.
no i dont want him.
i wanted him, so i could leave him.
so he could feel...
no,
so he could "almost feel"
what it was like
to hurt.

yeah, i guess its true.
i want him, to hurt him.

But have i not been a predator?
to Mike, John, to Yves, Solomon, to Paul, Peter
to Ayo, Ben, to Tyrone, and the man with dreads...
to many nameless ones
have they never wished me pain?
have i never broken some hearts?

so why would i wish him pain?

i got what i was meant to have.
i got an experience.
a chance to be in their shoes.

A cry i cant seem to hear

2007-11-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

North east of ma 'censtor's land
rhyming to the beats of a world gone wrong
weeps a cry i cant seem to hear
and i hope to someday spell help
to someday spread aid
in ways never before done
weeps a cry that i cant seem to bear
but i am one, you are two
three,
four,
five...
thousands of billions of us that have eloped
and we never look back
long enough to quit blogging
long enough past the news flashes
long enough to get out there
long enough to get this tear shed
long enough!
to mourn the dead and lost
in Darfur.

And to think that could'a been ma motha
she coulda been your "nana"
and he could'a been the brotha i never had
and they! THey! THEM down there laying dead in them pits!
one'a dem
yeah, might've been the one with four resected digits
the one with one shot to the knee- bled till the eve of the day
the one that lost hope; died under the ghastly bodies
or the one that had a few short flashes of a 8year worth lifetime
the child that never saw it coming...
... till he woke up at the gates...
and maybe there will he get some rest!!!
but it is so damn troubling!
because that child, that there laying lifeless all dismembered in that desert!!!
that one nameless "DOE" of the multitude
that could be me
i could'a been that
and they, they coulda been me
somewhere south Europe, northeast of Tunisia
could'a been the ones blogging
sending an e-nudge to herself disguised as a call to you
to get help to get up to get hopeful enough to get going
or at least, to feel sorry enough
to mourn the dead and lost
to mourn the lives that are yet to die
and the ones that may survive
in Darfur

Lost (continued)

2007-11-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

and only 50minutes later, the circle has been completed.
And i hate to say i told you so
so i wont.
but i will ask
"So, babe...Is this it? Or will you need to make yet, another round?"

Today,

2007-11-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

i managed to break a promise i'd made to myself.
i managed to miss a test.
5% gone down the drain.

what else did i do today?
oh!
I'm crossing Mr. Etienne out.
I cant be with him.
It isnt fair to keep him around.
So i wont.

I dont think he understands, i told him he needs someone that likes him better, but he didnt seem to understand. Blinded by infatuation and (dare i say?) desperation, this man refuses to see himself as the king he is. He refuses to be reminded that he deserves unwaivering love...
a type i cant give him.
But just because he is blind, doesnt mean i have to lead him to the river to drown. I will let him go. as hard as it is for me, i will.

And on to other businesses,...

Lost

2007-11-19T21:16:00.001-08:00

Cried. Not. For. You. But. For. The. Journey. You. Go. Through.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.

And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.

And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you

My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?

And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.

Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.

One Impossible Kiss

2007-11-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

This must be the most impossible kiss
the one that halts before its conceived,
hard to breathe a thing that doesnt live.

If it isnt there, however will i find it?

And there we roll, hoping to pass the night
Hoping to get a touch, maybe cop a feel
feel a tinge of some of that old familiar ting

Must what isnt felt, be forced?

But in those eyes, lies the greatest yearns
Looking in it begging to beheld
And dont we all deserve some love?

Though pity isnt same as it.

So lost, in its confusions.
If i cant have what i want,
do i learn to love what i have?

But woe betides the "have"
the day "want" arrives.
For what i want, will always be cherished.
thinking,
remembering...
i once wanted, till i lost the veil.
Though the pain refused to shed with it.
And apparently, neither did the bad habit.

But hey! a kiss is only a kiss is a kiss is a kiss!
why is it so hard, to give a damn kiss?!

Need a roomie, anyone?

2007-11-16T02:16:00.001-08:00

I got an eviction letter three days ago.
Sad thing is that i've had the money on m account all month,
but hey! it dosent matter if i had the money. They didnt get their money, thats all that matters... and now, they want me to gerrout...
so, blogville please help ohhhh!!!
who is up for taking me in?

Date with Mistah Etienne

2007-11-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol

Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.

"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.

Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.

While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.

Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.

The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.

Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"

Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.

ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!

There must be someone up there yonder...

2007-11-11T21:09:00.001-08:00

Having a good laugh at this joke.
So i get an apple, with no teeth to bite with
the moment that apple rots, i toss it in the garbage,
alas! my teeth start to grow!

life is a big ol joke.

Introducing... Etienne

2007-11-08T22:46:00.000-08:00

I met him online
I'd like to keep the website secret so, i will.
I like him, i do. why?

Etienne is from Congo. In his 28years, he has lived in France, Brazil, and now, here.
4th year of univ, Etienne will be a Statistian (um, is that a word?)

But what i enjoy the most about Etienne, is that he is a gentleman.
He is a thinker, a gentle soul.
Analytical.
Very family oriented.
He stands as an individual. Does not expect me to slave off in a kitchen (at least thats what he says) otherwise i wouldn't even be talking to him. He doesn't cook much. But is looking forward to learning. He'd love to learn to cook.
So tomorrow, we'll be going out to eat African meals.
and i'll be meeting him for the first time.
And i hope there'll be as much physical attraction.
Someone keep their fingers crossed for me.

Waking up

2007-11-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

I have this one dream
that i still dream
and to live it
would be the greatest joy of me

Had a stir
a shrug
a shift

and now it is
that i live that dream.

Answer Pleasee....

2007-11-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

At her brother's funeral, a girl sees a mysterious looking man.
Tall, dark, beautifully shaped.
She stared at him all through the event, discretely though. No one was to know her thoughts.
It was her brothers funeral, afterall. She was to be mourning and saying goodbye.
Instead, she found herself loving a stranger, and yearnig to say "Hello".

As the funeral ended, she lost track of him.
The people at the site had crowded her to express their sympathies...
Secretly, she wished they hadn't.

The man was gone.
She was upset.
Her crush was lost.

Two days later, her sister died.
It was a murder.
Someone had killed her.

1.Who do you think killed her sister?
2.Why?

How to escape a speeding ticket on halloween night.

2007-11-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

So it was a gracious night. Halloween night!
And there i was, dressed as a BellyDancer. Kiss and I decided to go out. We went to this club called Sign243 and were supposed to meet China and 2 other friends there but we got there so late, that we couldnt get in.
So we went to this other club where White men, and Naija Yahooze boys tend to frequent. We go there for the former, by the way. We usually ignore the latter.
Anyway, that wasnt bad,... then we left there.
I was driving, and since i have a bad case of ADD, i wasnt suprised to note myself turning left at a red light! See the funny thing is, before i started to make the turn, i wasnt aware of what i was about to do but the moment i started to make the turn i realised it but, it was too late! I mean, i wasnt about to just stop in the middle of traffic so i can get hit! I had to finish that turn, so i did.
"Emm... oh sheeet! i'm making a left turn at a red light!"
Kiss: "oh,... err..."
"Oh darn"
I hadnt even finished my "darn" when i heard the sirens behind me.
Okay, heres the thing! There are numerous times when i've violated traffic laws just because i felt like it, just because i was lazy, just for the high, WHATEVARRRRRR! WHY did it have to be the one time that i REALLY didnt mean to do it, that i'd get caught?!???

Well, i'm not a runner and i wasnt about to start that night so i pulled over and assessed my fate.
Kiss: "Jesu! Opari oh! wetinb we go do?"
"hmm, " i couldnt say anything. I just prayed they dont smell the alcohol i'd drank on my breath, or sensed that i had numerous OVERDUEEE unpaid tickets or sensed that my lights dont work.
Kiss: "Truth, lets beg them"
"Beg gini? you think this is Nigeria?"

So, they arrived. One on my side, one on Kiss's side. Almost seems so darn rehearsed.

"Hi Officers!" Teeth a'gleaming.
Officer#1: "Hi, you just ran a red light there."
"Yeah i know, i dont know what i was thinkging, i didnt know till i'd done it"
Officer#1: "I dont know what you were thinking, i mean... who runs red lights with cops right behind them?"
Kiss starts her flirting with Officer#2 "We're so sorry. we're students and we never disobey the laws. That was a mistake. " she added, with her "sweet sexy girl" voice impersonation. She was almost deathly annoying. I thought, here i was trying to be professional and nice so i'd get the least penalty i could, and there she was, flirting with the officer!
Officer#2 "Students? i see"
Officer#1 "where are you guys coming from?"
"From a halloween party!"
"YEah? what club?"
"Sign243"
"May i see your driver's licence?"
I gave it to him.
He left with it, while Kiss seized yet another oppourtunity to flirt with the second officer.
"So, officer, do you like what we have on?"oh geez! i couldnt believe it.i was starting to enjoy her flirting with him but i wondered if it'd be irritating to them. I mean, i'm sure they get TONS of females who try this with them everynight! "My friend is dressed as a belly dancer"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" she turns to me "Truth, go ahead, show the gentleman your costume..."
"KISS, are you out of your..."
Officer #2 "sure, let me see it"
i thought, chei! i don suffer! this modeling i'm about to do better pay off...
i took my coat off, got out of the car and strutted ma stuff lol. I got so shy when i got out of the car. There wasnt only one police car but another police van/SUV (hell, i didnt even know those existed!) out there.
I heared some howling, but i was too shy to stand up to them. i got back in the car.
Officer#2 "Thats hot!"
I responded "Wel, if you think thats hot, you should see my friend's dress. Shes banging"
See, Truth betold, Kiss has a hot body. And the dress she had on that night, accentuated her assets. She didnt even let me finish. She prang to the oppourtunity to show herself off. She took her coat off and got out of the car. Turned and swirled...
They loved her. It was cute. lol. Big grown cops salivating over what they couldnt have experienced if were not for their uniforms.
Officer #1 returned to the car.
"Okay, i see you dont have your insurance card"
I didnt get it. I wanted to argue that i DO have my insurance card "No, but officer, i ..."
"No you dont!" he cut me short "and since you dont have you insurance card, i'm going to have to give you a $60ticket for that instead of the $200 (and 4 demerit points!!!) ticket that you should have gotten for running a red light"
I gleamed. My happiness was unmeasurable. $200? Where forth would i have acquired such sum? lmao!
"and since you two are dressed so nice, i'll just give you a warning"
lmao! i wanted to die.
They wished us goodnight, bid us farewell, and left.

Unbelievable.
Surely theres a heaven on earth.
We experience it once in a while.
Like a little treat.
We had a taste of pardoned-heaven that night.
and no... i still havent paid the numerous overdue tickets i have (which i know the cop must have seen on his monitor that night when he checked my licence) and neither have i fixed my lights.

learn to be a friend

2007-11-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

I have to learn to be a friend.
No, i dont mean it that way.
i mean, i actually really have to learn how to be a friend.
how to be;
selfless!!!

Damn, of all the characters in the world to get stuck with,
WHY MUST I BE THE TYPE TO BE STUCK WITH A SELFISH PERSONALITY?!?

oh, and i think i have to learn to drop my pride.
i have to learn to hug more,
and to shut up when people are down.
***worst time to give advises is when its too late***
and i have to learn to learn.

REMINDER TO SELF:
1.you are not better than people. Everryone has their welanesses and strengths so why must you point their weakenesses out? Are you any better?
2. cant blame anyone for anything. you do not know their expereinces, you do not know what it is like to be them.
3.walking in someone's shoes is a theory. it is practically impossible. learn to be as empathetic as possible.
4. appologise (fuk! it aint dat hard!)
5.love. and let them know.

Yet.

2007-11-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

Aint this som' oddshit?!
you aint even here, yet i feel you
your hold when it glides on my right hand
your palm on my hand!
aint this some screwshit!
am i goin crazy?
must be sum different level of insanity
you dream up till it comes up.

i feel the tingle beaneath me
better than i'd feel when he'd touch me
hell i cant even top this
my toys do nothing like you do
and this here is the master of her clit
but YOU!
you ... Mr. Who?
you gimmeee...
these feelings, and you aint even here!

and if this is what you do to me
with your absence
with your face bare, and your features; air
i dont know what i see but i see you
when you console me and you take me there
i dont see no face
but your skin makes me wanna go to bed
i cant tell who you are yet
aint this some fukry!

you aint even here,
and i am so in love!
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you seem to care
no voice attached, neva' heard you speak
you come, you stay, you love and you go
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you give respect
no touch ever wrong, neva' had to lead you there
..........................................
and you aint even here.
and we aint neva' met
you aint never been anywhere
but ma head
and i wish you'd come with me
when i'd cross over to reality
but real seems to melt you away
you seem to live so darn perfectly
in that beautified space
...ma realest dreams.
yet.

Aint I A Woman? - Sojourner Truth (1797-1883)

2007-10-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the Negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about? That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman? Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? (member of audience whispers, "intellect") That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full? Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him. If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them. Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

Names of you

2007-10-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

Melody: for your mother's love of music.
Harmony: nothing is more fufilling than to be in harmony with your body, mind and soul
Soleil: means "sun" in French. You'd be the center of my world. You'd make me love the light.
Trinity: to remind me of what matters most in the world. The father(or mother?), spirit, son (or daughter?)
Song: the beutifullest things in this world ars songs and...
Meusiq: not thesame as song. Music isnt necessarilly lyrics harmonized with rythm. Music can be a chain of events, harmonized with rythm. You'd be part of the lyrics of my life.
Miraquel: for me to have a child; to feel loved by it and to give all my love to it without holding back. to teach a child my precious gifts... to err its life of the errs of mine, would be a miracle
Seoul: the only thing i'll bring with me when i'm gone. I'd bring you with me.
Watar: Cant live without it. I want you to be priceless to this world. To infect it with the need for you. Make it want to hold you, forever
Darque: The best things, the deepest secrets, and the realest things live in the dark.
Fayar: You ignite with the littlest inspirations. You'll burn with the boldest love. You'd burn thorough hearts that hate and find your niche in gentle hearts.
Truth: Oh wow! your heart lives in your heart, your heart on your tongue. You will act as you believe is true. And will be critical of whatever society demands of you, truthfully.
Gift: you'd be my gift to the world. And you'd be the world's greatest gift.
Love: Need i expatiate? you'd give love. And you'd remind the world of the most important aspect of love.
Wintermorn:Ever looked out your door on a winter morning? Pure, undisturbed, white. Perfect.
Red: Red is the only colour that is capable of making me feel juvenile, strong, bold and loving at thesame time. You'd be forever young, ever strong, the boldest being and the epitome of love.
Earth: To commemorate my love for the mother of it all. You'd be as natural as can be. You'd be giving and you'd florish. Everyone who knows you will feed of off you and you will never lack.
Reign: May reign rain! You will hover over the world and reign (rain) in it.
Summer rae: One of my client's granddaughter's names. Summer-rae reminds me of the rainbow. You'll bring shine, a supernatural light to this world. You'll be my everlasting promise from God.
Dream: Here i am dreaming you. By then, i would have dreamt you here. You'd stay asleep from birth to death. I want you to see the beautifullest things, and i would not want you to stop dreaming.

Hate, Regrets, Anger, all of a fucken sudden!

2007-10-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

I spoke with Ambition a few minutes ago.
shes been calling me, trying to get a hold of me.
Maybe if i'd be checking my voicemails i would've heard the news.
But i never do, so i didnt.

Its true i cant stand Dada.
He was my best friend for my first 10 years.
And then life happened and the wools were pulled so that i could see the light.
I no longer was a fool.
I saw Dada, for Dada.
and what i learnt of Dada and what i have continued to learn since then, had made me decide that he deserved no respectful spot in my life.

But how little this seems to matter,
once you realise you could lose someone, for life.

Dada, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. no word of what stage it is, yet.

the thought of losing the one person who is responsible for my cardinal characters, my cardinal beauties... makes me sad.
at 62, i cant imagine what life would be like, if i didnt share it with him.

and even at this moment, it is so hard to pick up the phone to call.
to love him wholeheartedly, would be to forgive him.
and forgiveness, that i wasnt prepared to do.
and now i feel like i have to.
all of a sudden
the most health-centric Afro man i know
all of sudden
the only man that seems to fuck me up so damn well
all of a sudden
the one voice that use to move mountains and clouds all at a whisper
all of a sudden
all of a fucken sudden
all of a mother fucken sudden!

HIV Bug Chasers

2007-10-22T08:21:00.001-07:00

I couldnt believe this when i read it but i guess its true.
I was doing my usual blogville wandering when i stumbled on Gaybanker's ( http://gaybanker.blogspot.com ) blog and and Soul Dreamer's ( http://waitin4life.blogspot.com ) blog and they both had a mention of this issue.
Supposedly theres a documentary in the UK about this.

Okay so i understand that some people like gifts.
Matter of fact, i believe hwe all do!
And i've heard of the desire to receive a gift such as cars, money, boxes of chocolates, candles, dildos (okay okay, that one na just me lol)
but hear this:

There are some people who would want to be given the (brace yoursleves ma people!) gift (hope you have enough stomach for this one) of HIV.
no, you no read am wrong, na wetin i type. HIV as in AIDS' virus.

The documentary explored the likes of people who want to have HIV because they figured that once they do, they dont ever have to worry about getting it again (emm... wouldnt that be because you already have it?).

i tell you, not every one who goes around with a head on their neck and an ear on each side of it, really owns a working brain. If these people arent mentally ill, then neither are schizophrenics.

so supposedly... a 19year old boy got a gang of HIV men to fuck him, cum into him and then plug his butt with a buttplug (ohhh how i love those!) so that all the semen could be absorbed (yeah, we wouldnt want to lose any drop of that HIV-infected semen, now would we?).

Not only is this sick, its also sick. I'm waiting for someone to give this illness an official name cause they really must be sick.
And if you dont think this is sick, then you really need to reread it, and go check yourself in at the local mental health center because you really are a danger to yourself and the whole of the human race.

Please thank God for your sanity if you find this sick!

The Unwarranted liar

2007-10-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with Kiss today when Shamaine's name came up.
Oh, Shamaine! how do i forget thee!

I met her in 10th grade.
I'd always see her in the hallways as i passed and i knew she'd always check me.
not the "oh, girl i'd fuck you in a minute" type check but the "whoa! why she waltzing like a diva?" type check.

see... when i walk, i stride. i glide. my walk... i can go on and on about my walk but there are only 24hours in a day, so...

but then Shamaine and I started talking (dont remember how exactly)
she was one grade less than i was, yet we had one class together.
Shamaine was a bright student, so i wasnt suprised.

Shamaine!
5'6 tall, about 150pounds, dark skinned, never weave, hair permed, usually pulled back in pony tail, big puffy cheeks, little eyes, big nice lips... Shamaine!

i knew Shamaine was cheap. it didnt take me long to realise. From the tip of her hair to the sole of her feet, Shamaine never dedicated much money into herself.
...or anything else, for that matter. But she'd always boast about how much she spent on her outfits and how hot she looked.
If you ask me, she looked like a village girl (but no one is asking me so i wont go intomuch details about that)
i never really judged her for that. I figured, if she wanted to save her money, thats her business and its actually a good quality.

Shamaine was a good friend. We'd hang out in our group with a few other friends and have a great time each lunch break. We'd always walk home together...
but something was fishy about Shamaine.
her words, just never added up.
Shamaine would come out of the blue to say something like "This guy in my class likes me so much" and for some reason, it wouldnt ring true...
Everytime Shamaine would lie, i'd be able to tell and i dont know why, BUT i just could. Its like i had a SHamine Lie-dar or something!
But i started to doubt myself when it started to sound to me like I suspected she was lying everytime she spoke!
I thought; "no, maybe its just me. she couldnt lie so much." and pushed the thought out of my head.
I decided to start believing Shamaine. I started to trust her words.

Then, Christmas of '99...
Shamaine invited me to her church and i agreed to go. On our way down, she had a package with her. She said the package was a christmas gift and asked if i'd take a look the gift inside it and give her a feedback. I did. It was a white ceramic-like trinket box with silver trims. I didnt like it. maybe because i dont like trinkets. If you ask me, they're like the most useless things in the world and i had already had about 4 different ones. But i knew it was Shamaine's sort of thing. Something about it screamed "Shamaine!" so i told her it was cute (it really was)... but that was all i said.
Then she immediately said

"oh! okay, i'll get you one for Christmas then, since you like it! I bought it for $25.00"

Please, note that i never did say that i liked it, neither did i ask her how much it was. I asked her where she got it and she said "Oh, I got it from Aluwhalia Mall!"
I didnt even think that Shamaine had ever been in that mall since you'd actually have to want to spend money to go to Aluwhalia Mall. Its the more expensive mall.
Shamaine's attitude seemed odd to me because she isnt the type to give gifts (because gifts costs money), she isnt the type to shop at Aluwhalia mall (too expensive) AND she isnt the type to buy ANYTHING for $25.00!
I knew something was definitely up. I mean; WAYYYYY UP!

So you can imagine how upset i was, when i went with my mom to the local plaza with my mom the week after. I walked past the dollar store and guess what i saw in abundance! yes, you guessed right... WHITE CERAMIC-LIKE TRINKET BOXES WITH WHITE TRIMS! They were thesame make, thesame colour, thesame everything!

So when Christmas came, Shamaine, gave me my gift.
I wanted to tell her how i felt... but i was waiting to really suprise her.
Instead, i told her i'd give her her gift in class after the holidays.
She didnt fail to tell me numerous times that she wanted a (specific) pair of shoes for christmas.
She wanted the shoes, i got the trinket box at Yangrilla Plaza. Hmm!

During the holiday break, i was so upset. I considered my friendship with Shamaine, evaluated it, and thought about all the times I'd felt like she'd lied to me.
I was angry!

On the first day of school, in class...i told Shamaine to come and see me, and she did.
she sat behind me in class and i gave her the gift.
i didnt say anything, i had the gift wrapped, placed it on her desk and watched her watch it, wondering what it could be.

Then i turned aroung and looked at her.
I was disappointed. I was angry. I felt deceieved, for no reason.

"Shamaine, i feel like i have to come honest with you. May i speak with you?"
"okay, what?"
"I'm grateful for the gift you gave me."
"oh, thats no problesm, you're welcome" she almost smiled. But i guess she knew better. She looked at me, and the half-smile got stuck in the corners of her mouth, and receeded back into her throat as she listened.
"why did you lie to me?"
"what are you talking about?"
"tell me this: Shamaine, did i ever ask you for a Christmas gift?"
"no, ..."
"Did i ever ask you for a trinket box?"
"no"
"Did I ever ask you how much the trinket box cost?"
"No"
"When i did ask you where you got it from, didnt you tell me it was from Aluwhalia mall?"
"yeah, i did..."

When i get angry, i usually feel like getting physical. But not that day. Although she was only 3 inches away from me, i didnt feel the need to slap her shitless.
I felt the need to leave her, to never speak to her again. I wasnt angry much. But the disappointment that i felt, was enough to kill a newborn.

"Shamaine, I went to Yangrila plaza, and I saw an abundance of those trinkets in the dollarstore, being sold for a afghani (i.e like one dollar) as opposed to the $25.00 you told me"

she looked shocked, caught, and silly... she also looked confused because all those emotions were trying to dominate her face all at once.

"They have it there?" i wanted to slap her "thats weird because..."
"I cant stand you lying to me." i remained calm "and you know the part that angers me the most is that you lie, for no reason." i wanted to cry "you lie when you really dont have to, when i never demand anything of you. I place no pressure on you, you never have to impress me. thats what a friend is for; so you can be yourself, YET you lie! "
"No, Truth, honestly, i didnt know..."
"and your lies continue. But the difference between you lying to me now, and lying to me back then about the trinket is that at least, i can undserstand that you're lying now because you're ashamed. You're embarrassed that you've been caught so although you know that i know that you're lying, you do it to save your pride. But what i dont understand is why you felt the need to lie to me initially about the trinket. That was an unwarranted lie."
I was so angry. She was starting to look pathetic.
"I know you wanted the a pair of shoes but as you can see, thats not what i got you. I didnt feel like you'd ever purchase a pair of shoes for me, so now... i wouldnt do that for you. I'm giving you thesame trinket box back. No, it isnt thesame one that you gave me... its a different one that i got from the dollar store at Yangrilla Plaza. I figured since you love it so much, i'd get you thesame thing."

I turned around, i couldnt stand the pathetic look on her face any longer.

"I'm sorry. Sorry but i didnt know that they sell it at Yangrilla for a dollar"

she couldnt stop lying.
and i couldnt stop bring angry.

Shamaine never owned up to her lies.
Neither did she change her lying ways.
I remained "friends" with her for years after then but I've since lost contact with her.
Last time i saw her, she was finished with post secondary school as a Bio-technician and was working.
But since i got that information from Shamaine who was riding in the local bus at the time, i find that hard to believe.
That was the end of the friendship between Shamaine and I.

Got a bug... 24hour bug

2007-10-21T01:47:00.000-07:00

I saw you today and couldn't believe my eyes.

Shaha said "Hey! Dominique! how you been" and i turned around, only to be confronted by his face and my consience and the memories of the night...
years ago .......6years ago.
Dominique had asked me out to the club but i didn't like him. He had a car, and i didnt. I wanted to go out with the girls so i played my tricks and invited the girls along. He was our ride, nothing but our ride.
Dominique Ayana went to thesame highschool as me.
He was absolutely one of the most popular boys in school not because he was the hottest, neither was he the most unattractive. He wasn't a nerd, he wasn't hated. He was loved by everything and everybody in the school and in a highschool full of hatred, its hard to be loved by all. But Dominique was a comedian.Ever met a guy who made you and everyone else around him roar with laughter?He was well respected because he wasnt a blabbermouth.I respected him.
But couldn't be attracted to him. His lanky 5'6 skinny frame was not what i admired in men. Besides, he was a few months younger, and i was about 12 going on 40. I didn't date men my age. I prefered them much older.
So that night some weeks after we'd graduated, he asked me out and like the genius that i am, i invited three other girls and he was our ride.

...So tonight...as i saw Dominique flames of shame burnt my insides as i saw what i could have had...and what i failed to appreciate.
We danced through the night and when Destra Garcia sang "I Dare You"I seduced him with my dares as i challenged him to every whine; and he came with it, responding to the rhythm, responding to my turns...i turned to him and said "wow you've got you some great leg muscles!" to which he responded with a blush and comically told Shaha "She loves 'me legz!"

I want him...i do...i cant say a lot of men are good but i can say Dominique is...when i saw him today, i hoped he'd ask for my number but he didn' and couldn't blame him. Maybe he'd lost interest. Maybe he'd learnt his lesson. Maybe, he is shy. Either way,i know that i'd promised myself not to fall again so although i'm threading on the boundries of breaking that promise, I wont shatter it by making the first (second?) move.
I'm still healing from my previous experiences so i need someone to pray for me so that i can get rid of this 24hour lovebug for Dominique Nidad.

Let me never know beauty, if it isnt me.

2007-10-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

Love is blind. its true. So i love myself, blindly. I choose to remain blind and refuse whatever interfering beliefs anyone or anything might suggest. I love the baby i was. I love the girl i was. I love the lady i am. I love even much more, the woman i'll become. I admire her, that is to come of me.
I love the dark tones that demarcates the darkness of the rest of my body from the lighter tones of my palms. I love the two dimples on the back of my hips. I love my left hip thats not as curvy as the right, and the right that struggles to be noticed each time i wear a tight-fitted dress. I love my elbows that reminds me not to be forgotten everytime i dont lube them. i love my face... oh... how i love my face! Love it's cheekbones that seems to disclose my originality from miles away.i love it's skin for struggling with me, through every doubt, every trial, every single way... i love my skin. For i know i was destined to be flawed, yet you remain strong. I love the corns on my left foot. Lmao oh wow... poor thing. Having one foot thats substantially larger than the other has finally taken its toll. When i tell people i'm both a size 7.5 and 8.5, they tend to think i'm kidding. oh, left foot! You taught me a lesson in beauty. Beauty, is you.
I love the scar on my left leg. Its encouraged my memory to never forget where i've been, where i'm from, and where i want to go. I love my back. I say to my back; "Back, i tell you... if i could have your tone all over me, i'd be the darkest chocolate money cant buy". I love my butt. Oh, how i have struggled with that part of my body... till i told myself..." I want to remain struggle-free". I have the best flaws on the soles of my feet and only I can understand this when i say that that is where my favourite passtime is...
I loved the mole on my face. I miss it. I had it till last month when suddenly, it began to bleed, and after a few days, it fell off. I'll miss the days when i use to hear people say "oh, theres something on your face" and they'd go ahead and try to wipe it off as i'd reply "its a mole". lol I love my waist; my premature love handles... I love the little rotund meat at the base of my tummytomtom... and laugh i hear when people claim that i dont have a tommytomtom. I love the map on my stomach. I have a birthmark that looks like some sort of map... i should post a pic of it, just in case someone knows which country's map it resembles. I call it the "Map of Africa". I want to see how it'd look if ever i get pregnant. I love the mole under my left breast. And the fact that i dont wax my floors. I dont feel like i should be killing myself shaving my puchichi if men arent socially required to do so. I'd like to know why i should be required to shave my privates if i'm a grown woman. If a man wants to sex a child, thats his own palava. I on the other hand, am a woman. So no, i dont shave my peeweewee... i admit i do it for bathing suits and sometimes because the hair gets in the way...
I love the fact that my breasts are confrontational. They litterally, call for attention. These babies, are bold. They stand, errect, and wont accept any less... and the molten lava of blackness that mounts them... my nipples, lol well, those are in their own league. It amazes me how i can still sometimes see my nipples poping through layers of clothes and padded bras... May God be praised. I love my knees.
I love my hair. Oh, how i love my hair. Its the easiest thing to alter on me and probably the most versatile. I love that its infected me with beauty. My hair as made me love it. I love that its dark ashy brown color got me a lot of teases as a child and that its scanty soft curls still persist. I love that it never rages against me and that it forgives me, continuously. I take my hair on journeys, and it simply submits, knowing that every single one will be an adventure. Its been there through my days of nubian journeys, my years of weaves, and those days when i was lost in a sea of life's silly demands... us black girls are special for this. It takes a lot to learn to love your hair. Layers and layers of veils remain adamant that beauty isn't this. lol i tell you, one of the best features of me, crowns my head.
I love my ears that are barely there. I love that they never caused me any heartache and appreciate that. I love my neck that once needed help lol. I love my lips, my tongue for remaining in close ties with my heart and concience. I love my nose. I think thats the one thing i've never been criticised for, that i on the other hand, have criticised myself for. i love that its taught me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And for that reason, i have chosen to behold the beauty in it. I love my eyebrows!!! All 19 strands of hair on them lol. I love that they have taught me the art of "brow drawing".
I love my eyes and thank God for them. My 20/20vision is well appreciated. For i have seen plenty in my 20some years. Enough to thank God for. Let love be blind, let me never know beauty, if it isn't me. For i'd much rather intoxicate myself with this beauty than any other that deceives me of what true beauty is.