Rare or not.

There is a part of me that wonders what you’re doing
Constantly, consistently, at every hour of each day
I find my thoughts drifting to you, wondering if its got any resemblance to yours
Each hour.

There is a part of me that extrapolates things
Most especially, the feelings associated with love
I find myself living it before it comes, often too fast that I wear it out before its lived
Every time.

Another part of me wishes that you were real
So real in fact, that you were just who you tell me you are
I find myself wondering about the possibility that you are some undercover Casanova
Every day.

A strong part of me wishes we could be “it”
That you’d tell me the words I know better than to force out of you
I find myself wondering if that day would come, and if it didn’t, how silly and wasteful all these would’ve been
Because quite frankly, you’re a find piece
And so rare in fact, that I know I should keep you here
But I’d be silly if I had not learnt by now,
That rare or not, whatever isn’t mine, would not ever stay.

2337h September 19 2011

A new pair of specs

Sometimes I forget
That you are a reminder to me
That I am not a mere commodity
To be taken for granted.
I forget that there is a lot in each human interaction
And so much more in ours
Because you are a sticky for me
To note, remember, that although I know myself each day
See myself each day
Live me each day
I really should not forget
That I am still one great, strong piece of work.
The words you tell me often bother me
Too many times, I thought
How many more times will you tell me I am awesome
You’re an awesome woman, homegrown
And I blush, and cringe
Because though flatering to hear
It becomes difficult to believe
That a person I have known all my life
Can be this great
That I can truly be a gem worth treasuring
That I could have truly, slept on myself
It is shameful, really
But I need your eyes, I need to see me the way you see me.
That may be the purpose of you being here
And really, If for nothing else,
I at the very least, thank you for bringing me this.

Sept 20 5:54pm

Almond-milk-cream Cheesecakes

I smile at the wind as it blows
And once it stops I keep smiling still
Caught up in thoughts of crimson bluish greens
Turquoise coloured peanut butter mists
I smile thinking of cheese and chocolate soy milk
Lips draw apart, open to smile
Almond milk cream cheesecakes

I can talk for days about the things that make me smile
Graduation, walking up to the call of my name
The pride I get when I realize this chapter is over
Yet
Knowing that a new book opens still.
I smile thinking of the cheerleaders that’d be there
And of knowing that these folks could not keep me here

I smile at the thought of you being there
Being in your presence and smiling…the look on your face
That there. That look. The one that wonders what it is I’m thinking.
The look of your curiosity of my thoughts.
I smile, thinking of that.
In fact, these days, that and the thought of your gentle ways
Is really, what keeps boredom at bay.
It is what excites me. Keeps me from screaming out.

Here's To Hoping

There was a point when you got me
Had me
Holding on thight while you loosely
Loosely wooed me
I can truly say that I loved you
I can attest to these feelings too
Its true
What was doesn’t always remain
Things change
I’m glad they do.

On an average day, I’d think you up
Waiting patiently for you to profess your love for me
And you would too
Tell me I’m beautiful
That no one else would do
I remember,
I hope you do too

We’d meet on poetry street
I’d dedicate lines to you and me
To us, everything was real
I was your ideal and you, were my crazy twin
Remember what we used to be?
Your mother loved me, she’d always say I was it
But nothing in this world stays the same
Your level of respect for me, changed
I gave in, to everything
Would give, to get a chance to be with you
I remember you started to be untrue
Began thinking that I could never live without you
Began daring me in the ways that you acted
Hey, you know the measure of your masculinity
Isn’t in the number of the women he chooses
Yes, you were amazing, but is that some news?

Slowly, your pride began to divide us
One hell of an erosion, forced us to part
I’d cry, beg you to speak to me
Just so we’d last.

I had called you my joy
And with you gone, where was I to find a smile?

Depressed, upset, and angry
Sadness became a frequent friend to me
You’d string me, like some dolly
A puppet at a show that was yours to control
You made criticisms of your ideal
You eventually, strengthened me enough,
To leave.

So, stop, please.
I have not forgotten
My memory works well.
I remember, eee-verrr-yyy-thing.

The mistake I made with you wasn’t in loving you
It was in thinking you were even worthy of my love for you
Truth is,
There are many men who do not know what love is
When it hits them, they find reasons to sabotage it

Listen to me.
I am loving again
And your emailing attempts to get me to remain friends, are nothing short of ridiculous
You! Are ridiculous.
Its enough.

Stop emailing me, telling me you were sorry
Well OF COURSE, you’re sorry
Just as you should.
I am too, that I ever tried to give you something you really had no business fucking wid

Still, I hope you found love
And if not, I hope it chases you down, tackles you to the ground and romances your brains out
I hope love loves you to your last breath
I hope it pleasures your soul
Till you rain on yourself
I hope it loves you, I do
Because having found love after you,
I cant imagine ever wishing on even my worst enemy,
That you don’t ever get to feel …this kind of love…that I feel for him.

1:17 ppm September 28, 2011

Set me free.

For some reason, I am awake at 2:34am, unable to sleep.
Unable to reach satiety from today’s experiences, I find myself lying bed, awake, hoping for some more.
You are slowly, yet quickly, becoming my newest obsession and I dare not deny that I have been here before.
I have a few times, tapped rapidly on the pause button to get myself to come back within, to my thoughts, to self, to rational self, where I am able to confirm to myself, that really, I don’t want to rush this.
But my blood races too fast for this 10miles per hour pace we’re walking. It does 60 on a 40. My desires, are even faster.
You may not know it, but on so many thoughts, I have undressed you. I have had you in my favourite ways, and I see in it your eyes that you are deeply, deeply in-to me.
The lights are off after dark but I see your eyes in the moonlight. You lower yourself onto me…your shirt on, buttons …undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, and give them back to m…undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, holding them within you… my fingers knead your back, and you handle me, lovingly, and let our sounds resonate into the air. You are set free.
I am ready.
On you, I am made queen. Leading you into my queendom, I give you a slow but steady tour. The dark encircles us, and for some reason, this is where I often stop.
So you see, my dear, I am yet to come with you. I am yet to be free.
I want you to finish what we started.
So I find myself wishing, several moments through the day, that I had taken the chance when I had it.

3:02am September 20/11

Pony Ride

I observed your twists, watched your silhouette form as you blocked out the moon
Watched it reappear behind you
Began to love seeing it disappear behind you
As I winced in pain
Began to crave it still
Though the pain was excruciating
Watching you ride on
Watching you
Craving you
You took me for a ride, you
Though I cried, you rode on still
Long enough
Hard enough
I just couldn’t, satisfy you
You reached over, and in the dark, feeling on my sheets
You grabbed her
And suddenly, I realized
I wish it did not take me so long
I wish I had known what I knew all along
I realized then
You are not the god I thought you’d be
Amongst the lowest of the low
Beneath the ground, underneath the earth
Crawling with the worms, though underserving of that
You wore the devil’s shell ever so well
Deceit at it’s best
You acted out the god I needed then
One hell of a mirage
Shatan was this man.

So on this day as I move through my daily routine
Washing the dishes, and fixing the holes in my walls
I realize, that I changed on the avenue that is you
I did, I changed, I did
Something within me was made anew
Something dark, deceitful, and blue
I remember your apology you sent me
It took you years to see the wrong you were?
You’re sorry for fuckin the friendship up
I simply shook my head
I mean… after so many years
You still were in denial
And you weren’t about to deceive me once more
That that was a friendship
Because that is one thing you never took from me
I still know what a friend should be.

But the sun is out today
And the trees are begging in your name
Asking for a new breeze to be let through
The birds are chirping new songs
Nothing familiar; all new
And my face is dry, no more streaming
I am healed, the wounds are scars
I can speak your name without hate
I can sleep without dreaming everyday of the numerous ways you could be found dead at the street corner
Do you understand?
Somewhere along the way
I had stopped wondering what could have been
See,
Life took over
Time pulled me through
Somewhere along the way
I had forgiven you.


Sept 9, 2011

Miss E. Ducated.

The body is a student
Forever learning what we teach it
Be it knowingly
When we set out to let it learn
Or unbeknownst

I know the feeling
I feel the feeling
I see it coming
Like its already here
But hidden
So tell me, what exactly, are you hiding?

What am I about to hear
My heart asks “when will you tell me”
I don’t want to go on this trip
Playing hide and seek all through
You can just let me know
So I can gently, let go

It don’t even hurt anymore
The last time, I didn’t even get angry
The other time, I didn’t even cry
I remember the fool wanted to trip
You should’ve seen himHe started yelling in his desperate attempt
Tried flipping the script
But I tell you this
Since the beginning of time
Not one man on earth
Has ever been right, while wrong

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
A light bulb stays lit at my temple
Constantly getting new ideas
Of what the finding could be
Always worried, anxious
Like something is about to happen
I remember Yolanda’s story
Saintiah, Biola, Debra… these folks taught me
It really isn’t you, its human nature, I guess
It’s the order of things
The order is within you, within me
A timing on my heart’s clock, is set

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
Like something is about to happen
I don’t remember all the lies ever told to me
But my heart knows the feeling
I feel less pain with each lie
But my mind is forever changed
I find myself inquiring on things that aren’t necessarily there
But knowing that they aren’t there is scary
Because it hurts worse to get caught off guard
A girl’s been too foolish once too many
Times and time again, I’ve discovered lies
I’d much rather know that you’re untrue
And find out that you really are
Than think you’re real
And come to find you aren’t

My heart counts
Days, hours, minutes…moments
And I hear it whistling to me
Its saying something oddly familiar
Telling me, its about that time
Its about the time I catch you in your lies
And find out all the lies you’ve told all along
Bleed you through
And free myself of you
As I move on to the next dude
And start this cycle anew.

Hey, I know that I’ve got issues
I know this some scary shit
I do, really!
But I have a heart
And it learns well
Miss Educated
Knows History, Chemistry, Endocrinology
My heart knows happiness
And historically, its used to it concluding
In a wave of abrupt sadness
Unprecedented
Its used to adoring
Then hating, regreting
Its well aware of the law of gravity
That what goes up, must come down
Miss Educated
A plus, all through
No one ever did tell it,
That what goes up,
May just be something true.

September 28, 2011

You deserve this.

To the dude I had been dating for the past few weeks
The one who speaks English correctly though black
Wears glasses thick enough for three
Dresses like he is wearing clothes for the purpose of sheltering his body, yeah you.

I'm just trying to say I am disappointed because after all your Masters in Library Science which totally beats me because I never did think that there was anything scientific about the damn library but hey?! What the hell do I know about anything?

Dear Mister!

Am just saying.

You fit the bill but where the hell is the rest'a you?

Why the FUCK are you jobless?

Play chess all day till wall street closes

I guess that is why.
You're too busy figuring out squares of black and white and defending wooden queens to realize that you are wasting the king of your life: time.

And though I'm too much of a coward to hurt your feelings and tell you what I really feel, I am not enough of a fool to let that sweet nibble on my nipples make me stick to you.

I am through with you.
You deserve this.

P.S
damn, you're cheap!

My last Nigerian date: the deepest love story I never told.

To be honest, sometimes, I find myself running from this space. It feels tarnished; stained. As if it is the space where I come to reveal my dirty secrets. It feels blemished, but even more so. It reads like a broken record to me; one that repeats thesame things over, and over , and all over again: it is the soundtrack of my numerous broken love-xxx-periences. After a while, Jim's whistle starts to sound just like James', and Tommy's letdown starts to feel like Khalid's.

Eventually, they all sound thesame.

I seem to have a weakness for weakmen.

So sometimes, I dont bother coming here to write. Why should I, when whatever I wanted to write, would've already been written about some next dude, anyway?

So I stall my words, and dont bother mentioning about that last dude who took my heart to the center of the world, and got caught up in his own clouds, that he forgot to bring it back.

When I asked for my heart back, he simply grinned, wiped the tears off his brows, and dropped it in a sea of dares.

Ha!

But there is life after lost love, see? I have proved that more than once before. I proved it again, to this one.

"I loved you with my heart, yes, but no one ever said that I couldnt get myself a transplant".

I walked away, I did. And as I ran to sanctuary, I heard him calling out to me. He called me all sorts of names that weaklings call female beings.

I am worthless.
I am not intelligent.
I am not beautiful.
And among all these, I am also worthless.

This said after I took the role of editor to his schoolwork, the role of aesthetitian to his life, and brought him value from within me.

Yet, he claimed I had no worth to him.

When he called me days later to apologise for having said what he said, I told him that he did not have to; I had forgiven him even before he cursed at me. I was not willing to let him hold me captive. Thus, I had forgiven, and was freed.

That was the story of the strongest love I have felt thus far this year, but even more so, really, it was the story of my conclusion with men of his kind: it is time that I'm done with dealing with these men's weaknesses.

I remembered thinking as he cursed at me : "wow, he says thesame things my other Nigerian exes said". Its almost like they all read thesame "book of cursewords", took thesame "how to curse a woman when she leaves 101" class, and were taught by thesame teacher.

No other man from any other country has ever cursed me like that. Nigerian men, always do, when I am ready to leave.

This man has a position in my life, for sure. He is the last Nigerian man I will ever date.

Reflecting on my 2010 (... candidly).

January


Sex: I had sex with my ex on the fourth... in my sister’s bed. That last statement could have easily gone down below in the “Regrets” section because I sure as hell almost wish I had not however, the consequence of my action is that I now, know better. Never will I ever have sex with that dude ever again. The sex was not worth a quater of the issues that came as the aftermath. While sexing him, the condom broke and being a non-believer in the use of Day-After-Pills, I didn’t use one. I remember he prettymuch threw the money at me for me to go get one. To be honest with you, I couldn’t believe that that was thesame TBS. Oh well, that was me and sex for January.
Health: My health in January was alright, I guess. Other than my regular acne that was under control, the only other issue was that I thought that I was pregnant. After our little sex-thing, my ex and I didn’t “jive” anymore because I seriousl y thought that I was prego. I didn’t get my period (though it was due to appear that same week) till the 29th of January. When I told him that I was pregnant, he laughed and didn’t call for a while... till my birthday. Hmm... lets just say that things have not been thesame. No, I was not pregnant... my period was just extrememely late. This may’ve been due to some hormonal imbalances or maybe I really was in the process of conception but the process was interrupted for one reason or another. Eitherway, my health issue in January was more of a mind one. I was confused and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought that I was pregnant and I (just in case) even looked into an abortion clinic because the thought of having to be pregnant with school or be a student and a mother scared me. I was to abort by February 14, if I would be and if I was pregnant. This would’ve been my first abortion.
Love: Similar to the distance between never-never-land and reality, this four-letter-word was farrrrr farrrr from my mind. I was bitter at myself and had lost my faith in love. TBS was the only dude that I ever thought had true love for me but with him disappointing me well,... I became sceptical over the whole love thing. Very unusual for me but in January 2010, I was not in love with anyone at all, though I was still communicating with Telly (my old Texan friend).
Memories: Not much else for memory other than that and me leaving the student council at school. We had an election and I went up against another candidate for presidency, and lost. That was alright but I did not believe in this girl’s ideas and neither did I subscribe to her “ i care for the students” theme. I felt like she had more egotistical beliefs and had a authoritative way of leading. I was more authoritarian in my ways and I felt like the council was becoming more of a “clique” (a friendship meeting) than an actual organization. I tendered my resignation and left the council as quietly as I ever joined, after two years.
School: School was starting to kind’a look hard. With 5 cources (keep in mind that 3-4 is considered full time) I was starting to see that “shit, I’ll actually have to really try hard to make it through this semester”. A tough factor to deal with was my fianancies that were extremely minimal. Just couldn’t get to pay for school so that didn’t help. I began to work alot less too, because school was very strenuous and time consuming. Working less didn’t help because it only made the situation worse. I got distressed financially and socially.
Joy: Also far from me. Instead of joyfulness, I had hopefulness. I did not want whatever was brewing to brew. I focused more on September 2010 (when I’d have to have the baby) and it looked so gloom.
Regrets: I was still regretting ever inviting the girl I went up against to presidency (we’ll call her Mindi) to the council (to be honest, I didn’t mean to invite her, I meant to invite her friend instead, and only). Also regretted ever sexing TBS again.
Accomplishment: On January 29, I got my period and accomplished something beautiful: the realization of the fact that now, I had been given another chance. Also, giving up the council was VERY difficult because I didn’t trust who I was leaving it to, and didn’t believe that my work on it would be sustained because the new leader had a different view of things however, I had to realize that I was not the council and that the council was not me and also that this was not my goal when I enrolled back in school in the first place...I had more pressing issues so I did it and that to me, was an accomplishment.


February


Health: I was starting to notice a pattern in me. I had a new professor who I had dreaded even before taking her course. In January, I started a four-month course with her and by February, was shaking in my boots. She intimidated me but I thought “oh well”. My physical health was alright until I went for my pap test and was told that I had abnormal cells. I was to go for a second test. Also, on the 17th of February, I had an accident with my car (it involved black ice, car rolling over, and night time... not pleasant) that ended up leaving me carless because it was totalled. In conclusion, I was afraid of this but I didn’t pay much attention to it because slowly, I was starting to feel “sad” about other things... finances, loss of my car, isolation and school, to be exact.
Love: I got a break from my dark days when I jumped town for my march break (which happened to be in February). On valentine’s, I fell in mini love with a dude at a party and please note, that the word “mini” was typed there for a reason. I was enthralled into him...looks, and knowledge (not intellect, but knowledge) and charisma... all that. I wanted so bad, to have him but I knew that I didn’t live there and neither did he. We both were strangers in another’s city. I was not available (due to my instability) and neither was he, for thesame reason. I thought... I’d do him, but I wont be able to. Lets call this do, “Teeth”. Tolly (my Texan old frined) was still int he picture.
Sex: Teeth was staying at his friend’s house and we went over there on Valentines, and did it. Okay, this is one hell of a significant event for me because I’d tried SOOOO MANY TIMES in my life to have a one night stand and I just never could! Well, I broke that streak that night... and it was good, though I didn’t come... and yes, we did it in his friend’s bed. Hmm... i see a pattern here.
Joy: I had thought that I’d be aborting on the 14th, instead, I was making love. Imagine the irony! I was glad that I had a choice to do something else other than having my womb scraped out *urrrgh*.
Money: I had none. Honestly. I think I finally received some $ for my car from the insurance company in March.
Memories: I had met a girl online a few years ago and she decided to come down to town and we got to meet. I went out partying with her and we also went thrift shopping. I was so glad to have finally, met her. In addition to her, I met her beau (one of my worst enemies at a point in my life) who I knew and had prayed never to give the benefit of meeting me but well, I did get to meet him that one time, for her sake. We’ll call her “Nini” and him, “Bean”. I also met a friend at thesame party where I met Teeth... we’ll call her “Natu”.
Regrets: Meeting Bean. He’d text me stupid things for months to come (he got my number because Nini had called him with my phone once). I eventually changed my number at the end of the year and rid my life of his stench. Never again! Another was doing it in Teeth’s friend’s bed. I shouldnt’ve. Nuffsaid. Also, I stayed with Teeth that night and ended up missing my hair appointment. That was a mess! I hated that. I totally regret not checking the weather before driving on the 17th.
Accomplishment: I got to get over my fear or inability to have one night stands. I got to escape my gloom too... taking the week off to that city, shone a ray of light into my life because I had been so gloomy for so long.



March


Health: Poor. I was so sad. Slowly, depression crawled in bed with me and we’d do it every night and sometimes, all day... for hours... for days. I had claudication in my legs and although I’d had this for years, walking to school reminded me daily, that I shouldn’t take the realization for granted.
Love: I was in love with a guy I met online who lived in London, England. I didn’t think that he was physically it, yet I loved his way with words. I admired him... and liked that he was in love with me. Lets call this dude Bunk. I didn’t love Telly, yet I stayed in contact with him.
Sex: None.
School: I could barely make it to work at all and school? Now that I had no car, I wasn’t going to school as often. The bus system was awful (twice an hour at rush hour) and the weather was freezing. With the claudications in my legs, it wasn’t pleasant to walk to school even when I had enough energy to get out of bed... on days when I’d go to school, I’d feel so inferior, “stupid” and got really good at hiding my sad demons. This was my toughest semester.
Joy: None other than Darque, my dog.
Money: I got money for the car that I had crashed, and tried not to spend much of it (ha!). I paid off some minor loans that I had and asked a friend for help to get a new (used) car.
Memories: Dark days, no cars, Darque, and that one assignment I had at school that took so much of my time and boy was it ever difficult.
Regrets: Crashing my car! Arrrgh!

Accomplishment: Managing to live without a car... and making it to school on days that I did.



April


Health: I had forgotten about my pap test result and the need for a follow-up test till this month. To be honest, I didn’t care. If I did at all, I secretly wished that whatever it was could slowly, kill me. The thought of death was on my mind, constantly. On April 24th, after an exam for which I barely answered any questions at all, I attempted to find a means to end my life but the string with which I tried, was not stable enough. I called Bunk and my sister afterwards and called 911 shortly after. This day doubles as both my “rock bottom” day and my most embarrassing day as my old boss (for when I used to work on the student council) got to see me in my “ball of mess” mode as paediatrics and a cop came to assist me to the hospital. Not only for this reason was it embarrassing... also, the hospital to which I was admitted, was where I worked. The doctor who admitted me, was one that I had and would also be working with in the future. I knew then, that work would never be thesame for me. Her attitude towards me was less than professional and the hospital staff weren’t the most courteous. I received less than dignifying care in the ER and was glad to have that cop with me because he seemed to care. Once admitted to the mental health unit, I was able to retain some of my privacy because it was not the unit on which I worked. I prayed each moment I’d leave my room and everytime they’d have a shift change that no one I knew from my professional setting would see me there, as a patient. Most times, my prayer was answered... other times, they were not. Maybe it was a good thing then, that I was overmedicated for the first few days so that my embarrassment wasn’t so much of an issue to me. Instead, sleep and this one image (that reminds me of a thumb print and and a needle prick-finger cap and childhood, and neon reddish changing colors), did. My mom and my sister came to visit me and I kept in touch with Bunk and Telly.
Love: Telly, thought I was not in love with him, was in the picture, and so was Bunk however, I didn’t have much space in my mind to be truly in love with anyone. However, both Bunk and Telly were aware of my admission.
Sex: None.
School: My most pressing issue (right next to health). I was certain that I would flunk out of one course (was doing well in others, but the one where I had that professor that I had issues with. This was thesame prof who taught the course for the exam that I had not written anything. I was certain that I had failed the course. During the exam, I felt like the prof and I was communicating... more like a one-way communication in which she was telling me that she knew I had failed the exam, and the whole course. I felt like the whole situation was a set-up, to see how bad I could fail. I felt her words in my mind as she slowly mysteriously etched the words “stupid” in my head. I felt like we had sat in the specific chairs we sat in, strategically so that she could have a perfect view of me without making it look too obvious. I felt like this was a conspiracy, orchestrated by her.). At the end of the month, I got my result and other than this course, I had As and Bs. In this course, I had a C; I passed by “0.01%”. Although I had a letter from the psychiatrist to assist me with an appeal for the exam so that I may take it again, I decided not to dare it. I had passed... though with an awful result. At the end of the month on the 22nd, I was discharged. By then, I had met Merina, a student who was also admitted on the mental health unit however, she went to a different school out of town. She was a strength for me in a lot of ways. When she shared her story with me, I felt so selfish and realized two things: 1. If you were to hear your neighbour’s troubles, you’d choose to stick with yours (you wouldn’t want to trade yours for theirs). 2. It isn’t the issues that matter, its your ability to cope with it, that truly does.
Joy: My family came through for me. So did my landlord, who cared for my dog on such short notice. So did my room mate (who I truly find repulsive) and friends.
Money: Still saving the $ I had for my car...spent alot of it, however.
Memories: Dark memories and happy ones as my family came to help and frie
nds too. At the end of it all, I went to spend time at my mom’s house and was alright there for a while. Myself and my sister found a stray dog “Pluto” on the streets and I decided to keep it for a while till it is claimed. Oh well, no one claimed it and If I had been at home, I would’ve kept it, however, I decided I’d let it stay with me till I give it out to the shelter. Eventually, I hit a new wall with my brother who I’d never really gotten along well with. He was cruel to my dog(s) and I called him out on it and well, that didn’t go very well. He claimed he’d kick the dogs out if ever I leave the house without them and I thnk that was enough for me. I called a friend and moved over there with the dogs. I was glad to be leaving the memories of my brother behind. Lastly, my sister and I started. Natu and I hung out with her friend “Dar”.
Regrets: None other than the wish that I had not gotten ill.
Accomplishment: Though woefully, I passed.


May


Health: I was now, on medications and struggling to keep up with them. Not only was I gaining weight at an alarming rate but my sleep was out of sync and I couldn’t remember to take the pills sometimes. Gradually by the end of the month, I started to take it less consistently and more sporadically. Also, I couldn’t find a job just yet and this was an issue for me.
Summer: I went on a trip with two friends to California in the United States. It was fun and probably the highlight of my summer.
Love: I was in love with Bunk and kept in contact with Telly. I wanted to meet Bunk...so bad but the chances were looking really slim. I was not financially stable enough to fund the trip to see him and he was not suggesting that he would so that was that. Slowly, I began to think of him less and less. Also, in this section goes my meeting with Modes, a dude I had met from God knows where! I think I met him online. When I met him in person, I got to realize that I had actually known him about 8 years ago when he’d just moved to this country but lost contact with him... truth is, Id stopped communicating with him because he was just too stagnant and too content with that fact.
Sex: I reconnected with Teeth and although I was not in love with him, we kept having sex. Slowly, I began to lose interest in having sex with him. Although I didn’t have sex with him, I had orals with some dude I met on my trip to Cali and well, it was alright. His dark chocolate skin is to die for though he was mega short  Whats with me and short dudes? Really? I think I do have an attraction to them lol oh well...
School: School was out.
Joy: California :)
Family: In a long email, I wrote a letter to my family and sent it to everyone but my brother and dad since I didn’t have their email addresses. I detailed my feelings on my relationship (or lack there of) with my brother and my reflections on it. I also finally disclosed that I was molested by a family member when I was younger (though I was sure to also note that it was certainly not by my brother nor by my dad). One of my sisters responded with disapproval for some (all?) of the contents and we eventually agreed to disagree. No other responses. I swore to never step foot in my mother’s house again and that family gatherings would have to be done in my absence.
Money: I bought the car, finally. Couldnt drive it however... so I waited. I got a job at the end of the month and also realized that without a second job, I would not be able to make enough to get back into school in September. I didn’t know what to do, really.
Memories: California
Regrets: Having a brother, ever caring why he hated me and ever thinking that he mattered. Oh, and ever including my real address on resumes (it deterred people from hiring me, I think...because it was obvious that I was from out of town).
Accomplishment: Getting a new job.


JUNE


Health: I was feeling better, I suppose. Happiness or (relative) normalcy, was resurfacing. My uncle came to town and after over 14 years, I got to see him again.
Love: I stopped loving Bunk. He’d lied to me about not living at home. How did I know? As I was chatting with him, I heard his mom call in the background and I am not a child so I know that when a mother calls her son who still lives at home, her tone of voice is different from when she calls one who doesn’t. Besides, when I asked where he was, he sad that he was at home yet, the background of the image of him on cam showed that he was in thesame bunk bed he has at home. The wallpaper was also thesame. I then knew, that he’d been lying to me. When I confronted him, he denied it and called me names. When I cursed him out for this, he called me crass. I wont ever forget that. I sent him a message saying that I’d have nothing to do with him. That was the end of it. Hell, I even stopped going to the site where I met him (a forum) because truth is that he’d spoilt the vibe of it for me.
Sex: Somewhat with Teeth but I had become disenchanted. I had never been able to “come” with this dude and I wasn’t in love with him. I decided to end it.
Family: I met my uncle and meeting him further replenished my wish to eventually move back home. Myself, him and my mom went to visit my dad but he was not home. Story was my uncle had called him and received no response so oh well. I fell in love with the idea of having a responsible and loving man as my father. I am not that fortunate. When he left, my neck shortened and my head then, returned from the clouds, into earth. I was my father’s daughter...no matter what.
School: Out.
Joy: Darque. My car. My friends. My family. A friend’s wedding (Mattie) was coming up next month and I was to be a maid of honor. The $ stress of that was pilling up and slowly, I began to realize that people sometimes, pass on their wedding costs to the participants in order to have good enough weddings. Arrrgh! Anyway, this is the “joy” section so I guess I’ve digressed. I reconnected with Beegee, an old friend who also was to be in the bridal train. Being at my friend’s house, it wasn’t easy caring for Darque. Darque caught fleas and this was the hardest thing for me to deal with this summer. I had no money to get her adequate vet treatment so I bought cheap remedies, and made some homemade ones. They didn’t work.
Money: None. Although I was working, I was also owing. The car I bought cost alot of money to fix and “put on the road”.
Memories: There were major issues for the upcoming wedding. Alot of feelings surfaced and I began to see Mattie in a different light. Needless to say, I held my ground. Also, Feather who was to be her maid of honor, was like 10000months pregnant. I thus, began to see my life under a different light. A reflection began.
Regrets: Not calling Beegee to sympathize when her dad passed. I apologised for this and this month, she forgave me.
Accomplishment: I’m not sure.


JULY


Health: not much at all. I’d prettymuch stopped taking my meds and was still relatively sane lol.
Love: Wasnt even thinking about Bunk anymore but Modes was in the picture. That man really TRIED for me. I owe him alot of thanks
Sex: So, I met some dude this month through another dude that I’d met this summer. Lets call this new dude Caghy. Caghy and I met and had sex on our second meeting. He was to be my second one-night-stand. We did the do and then did some more. I knew the moment I did him, that I’d break it off with Teeth... which I eventually did in July. My excuse to him? “I don’t want to fall in love with you, so I’ll have to stop sexing you”. What a lie!
School: Out for the summer.
Joy: My dog. I finally got to take her to the vet and started treatment on her. I also got to get her shots updated (finally!)
Money: Low as hell.
Memories: The wedding was awesome and it just may’ve been worth the stress. My friend Thethe came to the wedding and so did some of my famz. It was fun. Reverse back to the day before... at the engagement. I saw my dad and he made a funny comment saying “...you never call me. You wouldn’t even know if i was ill or hospitalized”. I remembered my April experiences and chuckled as I responded “i agree. Neither would you”, to which he said nothing. He asked me to call him the week after. I didn’t.
Regrets: Not sure if I had any... oh yeah but I did!!! I regret ever sexing Teeth more than once because in my opinion, it was a waste, since he never did make me come.
Accomplishment: Getting rid of Teeth and getting Darque her shots and meds.


August


Health: Alright, I guess. Now, after the storm, I started to rethink about my pap test. I still needed a follow-up test.
Love: I was starting to meet new people. Modes and I had grown apart and he was starting to show signs that he wasn’t in love with me anymore (smart of him)... wasn’t rude but would slowly stop returning my calls or answering calls. I was happy for him that he got over me because I really was not right for him. I fell in likeness and not enough of lust with this tall “Mixed” dude... we decided to give it a go at the end of August. Also, I was really feeling this one dude that I see on a chat site that I frequent. We’ll call him “Isli”, and the mixed dude “Mixed”.
Sex: was sexing Caghy till the end of the month when I met up with him to either break it off or clarify our feelings. I ended up just breaking it up because it was either him or Mixed and unlike him, Mixed was willing to commit. I wasn’t interested in someone for sex because summer was concluding and I wanted someone (my own, someone) to call on when I’m away at school and feeling my usual loneliness. Caghy wasn’t interested, though I didn’t ask him to be mine... I cried. I remember crying..i hated saying goodbye.
School: Was still out and I couldn’t wait to start my third year.
Joy: Darque, and Mixed, and having options. I loved having options... oh, and my mother. She came through for me. Also, my sister graduated.
Money: Had some... but would be going towards school as I got prepaired to start paying rent again. On my job, I gave a silly excuse for resignation (saying that I was moving back home but my story had even more fluff lol). I promised to keep in touch but knew that I wouldn’t.
Memories: My sister had finished school this summer and graduated
Regrets: Doubt that I had any...yet. Oh but I did! I regret not attending my favourite summer festival!!! Accomplishment: I concluded my relationships with those bootiemen 


September


Health: It was hard returning to that same spot where I had tried to end it all in April. What was even harder was that I had a class in that very room, every week. Eventually, I made a new memory in that class and it became just a classroom to me as opposed to a place of parasuicide(?). In some ways, this was an accomplishment. Love: Mixed and I didn’t last... matter of fact, the whole thing dissolved the day before school started. So much for thinking that it would’ve worked. Ohhhh wellllll. I fell in love deeeep with Isli. Isli was poetic, intelligent and tres sexy. I was in love again.
Sex: Nope.
School: I started a course with thesame prof, only this time, I was aware of my demons.
Joy: My darque.
Money: Hardly any at all, though I had a few hundrends from my summer job savings.
Memories: School started to look hard. For school, I had to practice on thesame place where I had been admitted in April. If you thinkt hat that must’ve been akward, you have NO idea.
Regrets: I didn’t regret much but the fact that I was ever sick. I went to work once and felt so akward. I was a wreck. On my way out of work that day, I feared I may never return.
Accomplishment: Going to work...getting over that fear.


October

Health: Not much to note. I started looking into getting an appointment for pap test followup. I booked one for August 2011... it was the earliest appointment I could get in town...what a pity!
Love: Not in love BUT this dude and I started talking... online, again of course haha! He was into BDSM and since I was curious about it too, I became his S and he became my M. I was more dominant than sadistic, to be honest. Lets call this dude “Slav”. Isli and I ended. I learnt never to trust anything that comes my way in the form of online long distance love, ever again. This is somewhat of an accomplishment.I started a project with him online (cant get into details, for anonymity).
Sex: None.
School: I was in a few groups for school and one of them was with two females that I usuall am in groups with and to be honest with you, they sort of suck. They’re underachievers (not by actions but by aspirations, which in my opinion, is the worse kind to be) and thus, were alright with handing in less than great work. This made ithard for me, I’ll agree. I decided not to work on the project by dominating it like I usually do. I’ll let them do as they please and wont do their parts for them (though I ended up doing ome of their parts, regardless). The host of that site started showing interest in me...It made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was married and well, I also knew that what he thought of me, was not what was real...he saw me online. I am not that online character...I am human. This opened my eyes to the possibility that the men I meet through this medium, aren’t what I see.
Joy: It was nice having a companion. Isli was it till it ended, then Slav became it. Darque is always it.
Money: None...again. Nothing new, I guess. i borrowed money from Telly for part of my rent. When I asked him for it, he ignored the request, instead, he figured it'd be a great time to flirt with me and ask me whether or not I'd be his. i figured $275 wasnt enough for me to tell a lie for...not enough for me to brush his ego. Not while I'm only borrowing the money (not like he was giving it to me). I told him I doubt that was the right time to discuss it. He ended up sending the money. I will be paying it back in December.
Memories: I’ll never forget the skype communications Slav and I had. Interesting ones! Regrets: None.
Accomplishment: I made it through this month without going off the deep end.


November


Health: I started to feel “down”. Not much to say about that. I started to feel clouded.
Love: I asked Slav for money once (hardly ever do this, btw) and he disappeared the next day. It was too funny... but not really. What else? I talked to Caghy and he said he asked if I was still in a relationship (as I’d told him when we were endng it, that I was getting with someone new) and I said yes. I know I lied, but if I hadn’t, it would have looked as if I had told him I was getting with someone new in order to get him jealous. Anyway, he said he wished I wasn’t because he wanted someone and I was his best bet...didnt know what that means exactly. Oh well. He then told me that he met a girl at church that he was crushing on. He was going to see her again the next day (a Sunday). I called him afterwards on Sunday and then two more times but he never did answer myc all nor return them. I knew then that he was gone and stopped caling him; even deleted his number all together. That was it.
Sex: None.
School: This semester was hard and having to meet that Prof every week didn’t help. I figured that I better realize that I wont be making straight As this semester. Oh lawd! BOOOOOOOOO!
Joy: I came to my mom’s town and left my dog there since my brother was already out of the hosue and away at school and it was too cold to bring my dog with me back to school. Being away from her was nice because I didn’t have to walk her BUT it was tough because I didn’t know what was up with her.
Money: None
Memories: my days are darkening.
Regrets: Having only stayed with thesame group for school work and since the people are so bad with school work, being in a group with them was counterproductive. We almost failed our project.
Accomplishment: was there any? Maybe ? I stayed alive...i guess. I was so clouded though, geez!



December


Health: I lived in my mind alot these days. The month began with me being so lost. #1. I looked around me and everyone was either married, married with kids, had kids (rare without marriage) or about to get into one of those groups. I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want kids, yet I felt inadequate. #2. I was still without my Bachelor degree and that too, made me feel less than adequate. #3. I didn’t watn to stay in this country and i knew it’d be hard to find a partner who felt thesame. I was lost... in my state of confusion I turned to blogville to find an old blogfriend of mine. I actually logged on here o see if I'd find a way to contact her but...couldnt. Ironically, I saw that she too, had left a message, asking me to contact her. She asked me to email her but I couldnt as I couldnt find her email and because of my annonymity (hope am still anonymous), I couldnt leave my email on herefor her to contact me. I ended up logging off, disappointed. I was still so confused, lost and scared. To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel till the 24th when I sent my feelings in an inboxed FB message to two strangers on FB (these two females that alghouth I hardly ever communicate with, have known for years after meeting them online). Dont know why i decided to send them such a message that was so personal, but I did and am glad I did because they were able to relate. Communicating with them was really medicinal... it cleared my worries and made me feel “normal” and as if i was on the right path. I learned that (from this experience) it is important to have the right people around you, at the right times.
Love: Not much. Telly asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I told him its ridiculous that he'd even ask me considering him and I were yet to meet. I'd known this man for about 6 years and although he lived just one country over, we had never met. I refuse to fund my way there ... never believed in funding my flight to see a dude. He too, had never offered so I've left the issue as is. Not much else happened in the "love" category till the end of the year. I met with TBS and we went out to eat at an upscale restaurant but the kitchen was closed so we did drinks. I got to see that TBS could actually dress up! But not even that could make me want him. On the 29th of the month, Chaghy contacted me, saying he wanted to be with me. Dont know how much I believe it but... we met up at a bar and talked. I got mega turned on...
Sex: ... and I had sex with him the next day. It was magical ahhhh! While at his place, I had this urge to look through his stuff out of distrust for him. I never used to be that way but I was overwhelmed by this feeling... this “odd” feeling. I remembered the time when an ex of mine had left me at his house and while away, i looked through his computer for pics (innocently, not searching for anything) and through there, I found out that he was not only married but with a new baby. I realized then, that your experiences do mold you. I was a changed woman. I looked through Caghy’s old pay stubb... nothing much since he’d already told me how much he got paid. Wanted to look through other stuff but I thought didn’t...i got busy with folding his clothes instead. Whew! I wonder if this is significant but i’d mention it just in case: he told me he was last with anyone (sexually) about a month ago yet, i saw a condom wrap on his floor. No, it wasn’t the one we used.
School: I did less than I wished but better than I “had to”. The significance of this semester is that I had been this far before in thesame program. Only difference is that my grades are much better so that this time I wont have to go back to start over.
Joy: I got to see my Darque again. I also got to spend time at my sister’s and meet the new addition to our family: Ambition(my sister)’s husband. Also got to spend Christmas with my family... I’m blessed.
Money: None. I mean it. And to make matters worse, school was about to restart (expenses galore), my rent was due and I was yet to pay Telli back. Hmm... I wonder if thats why he had not been calling me. Oh well, I dont care so much because to be honest, Telli and I have been talking for years with nothing tangible to show for it so really if he decides to stop chatting now, it'll be just as good a time as any. Besides, the more I see the dude's pics on FB, the more I get acid reflux and no, it isnt because he is hot... he isnt. (God forgive me for I have sinned!)
Memories: Christmas. Though I’d said I wouldn’t attend anymore family gatherings, I did. I didn’t want to not only because of my brother, but also because I had no $ to purchase gifts for anyone but i went anyway.
Regrets: That my sis isn’t being straight with me...she is angry and I know, yet she wont be straight about it because what she is angry about, is pretty petty (at least, thats what I think). She is angry becuse when I went to her town in November, I didn’t give her a call. I thought that was normal for me to do!!!
Accomplishment: I spent time with family and got to realize that I am normal afterall and finally, I got to complete this reflection.
Last 2010 hours: I spent it with a bestie of mine. We ate, and talked and reflected. I am so proud of her for letting the horrible men in her life go this year. Also, I disclosed my April ordeal to her and for the last time this year, I cried. Finally, I can move on to 2011 with love in my heart, hope on my mind and my eyes up, watching God.