I'd often say that nothing moves
without energy
The wind with effort, forces a leaf from its tree
and with that, it moves
This same wind
though unperceivable to the pores
reminds me, that I too, am just a thing
And therefore, not exempted
From its forces
De-energize this wind, lord
So that I may stay grounded
And walk at my own pace; move at my will
I dont want to be blown
I beg that you consider
What it took for me to stand
And de-energize this wind, lord
I dont want this to end
I am not ready to let go
After all my work
I am not ready to quit.
De-energize this wind, lord
Cut its circuits, neutralize its electrons
Do whatever needs done
I dont want to be shaken
Fear of being blown
Being made a nonentity
Suffer through life missing what could have been
I want to go on
And become what I have for so long, wished for
Stired, maybe?
Definitely shaken.
But please, de-energize it in time.
Do not let it blow me away.
Showing posts with label future?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future?. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
No way to redeem.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]
Monday, November 19, 2007
Lost
Cried. Not. For. You. But. For. The. Journey. You. Go. Through.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.
And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.
And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you
My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?
And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.
Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.
And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.
And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you
My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?
And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.
Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Date with Mistah Etienne
So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol
Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.
"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.
Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.
While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.
Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.
The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.
Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"
Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.
ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol
Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.
"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.
Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.
While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.
Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.
The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.
Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"
Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.
ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!
Friday, November 2, 2007
Yet.
Aint this som' oddshit?!
you aint even here, yet i feel you
your hold when it glides on my right hand
your palm on my hand!
aint this some screwshit!
am i goin crazy?
must be sum different level of insanity
you dream up till it comes up.
i feel the tingle beaneath me
better than i'd feel when he'd touch me
hell i cant even top this
my toys do nothing like you do
and this here is the master of her clit
but YOU!
you ... Mr. Who?
you gimmeee...
these feelings, and you aint even here!
and if this is what you do to me
with your absence
with your face bare, and your features; air
i dont know what i see but i see you
when you console me and you take me there
i dont see no face
but your skin makes me wanna go to bed
i cant tell who you are yet
aint this some fukry!
you aint even here,
and i am so in love!
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you seem to care
no voice attached, neva' heard you speak
you come, you stay, you love and you go
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you give respect
no touch ever wrong, neva' had to lead you there
..........................................
and you aint even here.
and we aint neva' met
you aint never been anywhere
but ma head
and i wish you'd come with me
when i'd cross over to reality
but real seems to melt you away
you seem to live so darn perfectly
in that beautified space
...ma realest dreams.
yet.
you aint even here, yet i feel you
your hold when it glides on my right hand
your palm on my hand!
aint this some screwshit!
am i goin crazy?
must be sum different level of insanity
you dream up till it comes up.
i feel the tingle beaneath me
better than i'd feel when he'd touch me
hell i cant even top this
my toys do nothing like you do
and this here is the master of her clit
but YOU!
you ... Mr. Who?
you gimmeee...
these feelings, and you aint even here!
and if this is what you do to me
with your absence
with your face bare, and your features; air
i dont know what i see but i see you
when you console me and you take me there
i dont see no face
but your skin makes me wanna go to bed
i cant tell who you are yet
aint this some fukry!
you aint even here,
and i am so in love!
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you seem to care
no voice attached, neva' heard you speak
you come, you stay, you love and you go
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you give respect
no touch ever wrong, neva' had to lead you there
..........................................
and you aint even here.
and we aint neva' met
you aint never been anywhere
but ma head
and i wish you'd come with me
when i'd cross over to reality
but real seems to melt you away
you seem to live so darn perfectly
in that beautified space
...ma realest dreams.
yet.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Names of you
Melody: for your mother's love of music.
Harmony: nothing is more fufilling than to be in harmony with your body, mind and soul
Soleil: means "sun" in French. You'd be the center of my world. You'd make me love the light.
Trinity: to remind me of what matters most in the world. The father(or mother?), spirit, son (or daughter?)
Song: the beutifullest things in this world ars songs and...
Meusiq: not thesame as song. Music isnt necessarilly lyrics harmonized with rythm. Music can be a chain of events, harmonized with rythm. You'd be part of the lyrics of my life.
Miraquel: for me to have a child; to feel loved by it and to give all my love to it without holding back. to teach a child my precious gifts... to err its life of the errs of mine, would be a miracle
Seoul: the only thing i'll bring with me when i'm gone. I'd bring you with me.
Watar: Cant live without it. I want you to be priceless to this world. To infect it with the need for you. Make it want to hold you, forever
Darque: The best things, the deepest secrets, and the realest things live in the dark.
Fayar: You ignite with the littlest inspirations. You'll burn with the boldest love. You'd burn thorough hearts that hate and find your niche in gentle hearts.
Truth: Oh wow! your heart lives in your heart, your heart on your tongue. You will act as you believe is true. And will be critical of whatever society demands of you, truthfully.
Gift: you'd be my gift to the world. And you'd be the world's greatest gift.
Love: Need i expatiate? you'd give love. And you'd remind the world of the most important aspect of love.
Wintermorn:Ever looked out your door on a winter morning? Pure, undisturbed, white. Perfect.
Red: Red is the only colour that is capable of making me feel juvenile, strong, bold and loving at thesame time. You'd be forever young, ever strong, the boldest being and the epitome of love.
Earth: To commemorate my love for the mother of it all. You'd be as natural as can be. You'd be giving and you'd florish. Everyone who knows you will feed of off you and you will never lack.
Reign: May reign rain! You will hover over the world and reign (rain) in it.
Summer rae: One of my client's granddaughter's names. Summer-rae reminds me of the rainbow. You'll bring shine, a supernatural light to this world. You'll be my everlasting promise from God.
Dream: Here i am dreaming you. By then, i would have dreamt you here. You'd stay asleep from birth to death. I want you to see the beautifullest things, and i would not want you to stop dreaming.
Harmony: nothing is more fufilling than to be in harmony with your body, mind and soul
Soleil: means "sun" in French. You'd be the center of my world. You'd make me love the light.
Trinity: to remind me of what matters most in the world. The father(or mother?), spirit, son (or daughter?)
Song: the beutifullest things in this world ars songs and...
Meusiq: not thesame as song. Music isnt necessarilly lyrics harmonized with rythm. Music can be a chain of events, harmonized with rythm. You'd be part of the lyrics of my life.
Miraquel: for me to have a child; to feel loved by it and to give all my love to it without holding back. to teach a child my precious gifts... to err its life of the errs of mine, would be a miracle
Seoul: the only thing i'll bring with me when i'm gone. I'd bring you with me.
Watar: Cant live without it. I want you to be priceless to this world. To infect it with the need for you. Make it want to hold you, forever
Darque: The best things, the deepest secrets, and the realest things live in the dark.
Fayar: You ignite with the littlest inspirations. You'll burn with the boldest love. You'd burn thorough hearts that hate and find your niche in gentle hearts.
Truth: Oh wow! your heart lives in your heart, your heart on your tongue. You will act as you believe is true. And will be critical of whatever society demands of you, truthfully.
Gift: you'd be my gift to the world. And you'd be the world's greatest gift.
Love: Need i expatiate? you'd give love. And you'd remind the world of the most important aspect of love.
Wintermorn:Ever looked out your door on a winter morning? Pure, undisturbed, white. Perfect.
Red: Red is the only colour that is capable of making me feel juvenile, strong, bold and loving at thesame time. You'd be forever young, ever strong, the boldest being and the epitome of love.
Earth: To commemorate my love for the mother of it all. You'd be as natural as can be. You'd be giving and you'd florish. Everyone who knows you will feed of off you and you will never lack.
Reign: May reign rain! You will hover over the world and reign (rain) in it.
Summer rae: One of my client's granddaughter's names. Summer-rae reminds me of the rainbow. You'll bring shine, a supernatural light to this world. You'll be my everlasting promise from God.
Dream: Here i am dreaming you. By then, i would have dreamt you here. You'd stay asleep from birth to death. I want you to see the beautifullest things, and i would not want you to stop dreaming.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Dear Mr. Fisher...
Dear Mr Fisher,
As much as i'd like to wring your neck, i'll refrain myself from the urge. Tell me please, what would you like of me? Forget i asked that question. Better yet, how should i have handled it?
We had been talking for quite a while, but like i knew we wouldnt end up anywhere. The truth is, i am me, and you are you. I hate to be rude but where do you see a similarity? What do we have in common other than the fact that we both breathe through our nostrils? Other thanthe common anatomy that implies that we're both human, and the other silly similarity that we were raised in thesame continent, tell me, what else?
We are different! If humans could be delegated into different species, i'd be a fox. And you Fisher, would be something different; somewhat of an oppourtunity for a meal, for me... a Racoon, maybe?
What would you like of me?
I have been truthful. Truthfully explaned to you that i cannot be with you.
"I cant. I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I have too much on my plate."
But really, that was only my de-fouled version of;
"You are a nice man. I might not ever meet one as nice as you are... but I cant be with you. You're way too soft. You needed a backbone like yesterday! Besides(while we're being honest,) I'm too good for you. You walk like your kwashiorkor-like stomach has altered your point of gravity, your walk has been modified to accomodate your liquor-laddened gut just so you wont tip over, fall and break your oversized flattened front-pear-shaped head. You can multitask; able to speak and spit simultaneously but Fisher, i dont need a shower. And even if i did, i definitely dont need a saliva shower, thats for sure. Your vocabulary is astonishing. I understand that English is not your first language but are you willing to understand that i need to be able to communicate with whoever it is i'm with? I'm sorry; I cant keep breaking apart every single word i speak just so you'd ask me what the little fragments of their translation mean! That shit is frustrating like fu&k! AND, you dress like a bushman! Moreover, why are you so insecured? There is nothing more repulsing than a man who needs assistance to get up enough courage to ask a girl who he wants, for a dance."
But its hard for me to be real because reality hurts, and i really didnt want to hurt you. So i packaged my words delicately, wrapped some honey around it, then dipped it in caution, and served you it. But did you buy it? No. The last question you asked me after the conversation we had was
"But cant we just try?"
Its like oyu hadnt heard a word i'd said.
Try what? One moth down the road of trying, you'd be singing some jaded-romance song.
I'll help you, i'll stay away. I keep dropping you clues:
#1 On friday, you called to ask me to come to a party and i said i didnt want to go. I lied. Truth was, as you were asking me, i was picking out my outfit, and getting dressed for the party. I didnt want to go to the party with you. Going with you would mean you'd glue yourself to me all night. You'd attempt to marka territory that was never yours. You got to the party and saw Kiss and asked her if i was coming (which was sort silly of you since i'd told you iw asnt coming!!!) and was told that i was on my way..
#2 You came to meet me at my table at the party where i was seated with a Kiss, her date and two other guys. Yet you (dressed in a nice suit, with a fisher-man hat to ruin it) came towards me, sat at our table, as i rolled my eyes discretly, and turned my back towards you. I didnt want to be associated with you. You were cramping my style. You stayed at our table as if you'd been invited, making it awkward for me... why must you be such a cock blocker?!!! Werent you at another table before???
#3 My friend asked you (because i had expressed my disgust about your hat) why you'd wear such hat with such an outft, and thankfully to her, took it off your head and place it on the table. I still dont understand why you'd wear such hat with a suit!
#4 Everytime you;d come towards me, i'd automatically have something to do. Something like um... i have a phone call to go make, I have to go look for some one,.... something, anything! I knew you wanted to ask for a dance, so i figured if i interrupted you before you got to ask, then i wouldnt have to say no! it worked.
#5 You were at our table (wrong table!) and so was another guy. The guy asked me why i wasnt dancing and i said i was had lost one of my earrings and i needed help finding it. I had looke dwverywhere but the dance floor. there was a slow song playing. He asked me to dance and suggested we'd look for the earring on the dancefloor as we danced. I agreed. It really wasnt about the dance nor the earring. I wanted to get away from you. I cant dance with you, you dance like a broken record, annoyingly stiff, repetitive, and annoying. Is there any other dance you know of other than the "hip thrust to and fro"?
I was sure you'd finnally gotten the point. But i didnt expect what came next.
As i sat down to rest my feet foor the night, you came to our table, and awkwardly (i could feel your negative energy) put your hat on, then your suit. You stood behind me for a what seemed like eternity before coming to me...
"That was an open rejection"
"pardon me?" I was not expecting that
"I said that was an open rejection. You knew i wanted to dance with you, but you went to... anyway, it was nice knowing you"
I wanted to slap you, right there and then. What have i done wrong? Must i dance with everyone who wants to dance with me?
You held out your hand for a shake. I guess this was suppose to be a "you've hurt me so you've lost me and goodbye" handshake.
I ignored you. You left.
I understand that sometimes, you cant have a nice departion. Departion? I was dreaming... The next day at another party, I was there with Kiss, a male friend. Supposedly you went to ask Kiss as i was away on the dance floor, what you've done wrong to me, and why am I rejecting you. You asked her what it is that i'm going through and told her that you wish I knew how much you can do for me.
Fisher, I dont need your help. Do you understand that? I dont!!!
I just need you to simply, be a man. Learn to cut your loses and trust me, you're not even losing. You've won. If i had agreed to be with you, I would not have treated you fairly. Truth is, i cant treat a man right unless i'm happy to be with him.
I hope God sends you your soulmate soon... it isnt me. I'm one of your many Mrs. Wrongs. Please underatnd that.
Goodbye
Monday, August 13, 2007
Crossroad
“Junk in, junk out! Master your mind, the future is mental! Be careful of what information you allow to inform you of who you are.”
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Retraining 101
Better now than later. No worse place than between the sheets with ample absorbent ietms waiting in line to help dry me up.
And this is sad. I know.
Must confess i have had slight urges to do it.
Circles are much easier than angles. But circles are just that; circles. And circles lead no where else but around the bend. And then it bends. and then some more.
And this is hard. i know.
For so long i wanted. And wanted i did. but wants are wants and what are wants if what you want isnt worth none?
an endless hope. what for?
too ashamed to admit it.
Yet i chose to want because i simply am lazy.
procrastination rules this.
i can do it later, too damn busy.
ignoring the greener pastures. chose to despice the unknown.
found the worsts in the better "could be"s and "can be"s; decided to have none of it.
laziness kills.
its killed me.
forgeting that today is all i have and later just might not be mine.
stealing little wishes out those wells but i ask... really; what for?
funny how we sell ourselves short.
only to hope again, to be bought.
so ashamed of my choices and upset at my being.
why did i give up the key?
when all the while, i had it.
IdiAmin.
i bowed so you could feed.
but i bowed. no one made me.
unforced. gently. hopefully. with glee.
unbeknownst to you. Gave you my throne.
so angry at me for doing this to me.
but no time to ...
c'mon!
retraining 101.
must learn to keep my head up.
May 1/07
Monday, June 11, 2007
On the highway
so halfway there, i had to stop.
i just couldnt see the damn screen- stopped for my safety.
am i going crazy?
you're driving me insane.
i looked out the window. counted; one, two, three-four, five... 5!
five cars went by and still, here i am....
watched eyes stare through five of those,
eyes wondering what it was i was doing there
yet none stopping to ask if i needed help.
help, i need.
help i desperately need.
iam at a crossroad
and cannot for the life of me, figureout what to do.
i cant help it.
being a "big girl" only lasts so long
i must disagree with you Gwen
apparently, big girls DO cry.
what am i going to do?
and how am i possibly going to make it?
its so much easier to step back, turn around and hold faith.
but i've held faith.
held it so tight sometimes my fingers lose blood supply.
gripped it so hard, faith bent!
i dont know if i can have faith.
because faith itself, is so sick of being toyed with.
i need someone to hold my hand.
China baby, where forth art thou?
i just couldnt see the damn screen- stopped for my safety.
am i going crazy?
you're driving me insane.
i looked out the window. counted; one, two, three-four, five... 5!
five cars went by and still, here i am....
watched eyes stare through five of those,
eyes wondering what it was i was doing there
yet none stopping to ask if i needed help.
help, i need.
help i desperately need.
iam at a crossroad
and cannot for the life of me, figureout what to do.
i cant help it.
being a "big girl" only lasts so long
i must disagree with you Gwen
apparently, big girls DO cry.
what am i going to do?
and how am i possibly going to make it?
its so much easier to step back, turn around and hold faith.
but i've held faith.
held it so tight sometimes my fingers lose blood supply.
gripped it so hard, faith bent!
i dont know if i can have faith.
because faith itself, is so sick of being toyed with.
i need someone to hold my hand.
China baby, where forth art thou?
Monday, June 4, 2007
L for ________?
i been wondering...
what makes a lesbian?
seriously.
i mean... sure i've had lesbian encounters.
its so much more common now, i'm sure a lot of females have.
but does that make me a lesbian?
or i dont know; bi?
a few months ago, i had a female friend who i knew was bisexual.
she came over to visit and she tried coming on to me,
but we eventually didnt do anything.
to be honest with you, i resisted her not because she was a girl,
but because of her other characters.
i mean; what makes a lesbian?
years and years ago, while i was trying to figure out what sexuality itself meant,
i had sexual encounters with some females.
They were about my age at the time, and we were young.
does that make us lesbians?
looking even farther into my memory
i remember being molested as a child.
i didnt think anything of it at the time,
but i knew it was disgusting not because we were both females,
but because i was too young to enjoy sex at the time.
the lady, was in her teens.
does that make her a lesbian?
did it make me one?
does checking other females out make me bisexual?
what makes a Lesbian?
what makes a lesbian?
seriously.
i mean... sure i've had lesbian encounters.
its so much more common now, i'm sure a lot of females have.
but does that make me a lesbian?
or i dont know; bi?
a few months ago, i had a female friend who i knew was bisexual.
she came over to visit and she tried coming on to me,
but we eventually didnt do anything.
to be honest with you, i resisted her not because she was a girl,
but because of her other characters.
i mean; what makes a lesbian?
years and years ago, while i was trying to figure out what sexuality itself meant,
i had sexual encounters with some females.
They were about my age at the time, and we were young.
does that make us lesbians?
looking even farther into my memory
i remember being molested as a child.
i didnt think anything of it at the time,
but i knew it was disgusting not because we were both females,
but because i was too young to enjoy sex at the time.
the lady, was in her teens.
does that make her a lesbian?
did it make me one?
does checking other females out make me bisexual?
what makes a Lesbian?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Experience, teach me!
If a mistake is being made,
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.
I'm moving in with TBS.
and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.
i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.
Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.
I'm moving in with TBS.
and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.
i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.
Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Blinded, Wounded, Free, Home.
Remember; snails don’t win races. But they make it. And this race aint about who got there when, but simply about who got there.
Hurt, but free…
Wounded as a jail bed with its clipped wings, yet… you
You walk away. Free
Like that pet who stepped in the trap
Yes, you do remember
Blinded wounded bleeding dog… walked home at last
Baby you have been so lost.
And times when you saw the glittery smokes of home, thought you were so close to home, thought you have finally… at last broken free
But what is meant to be, will be
And what wasn’t didn’t.
It never did happen.
So those times when you were so glad thought finally, you had managed to get away.
You walked right back baby girl because a habit is a habit and at times, a habit becomes your home because home becomes hard to live in. it’s hard getting reused to things…
I know.
I’m welcoming you home.
So please remember that the failures weren’t failures. Your returns weren’t returns but merely journeys through the process of unaddiction.
To "un-addict", you must reddict.
Rebounds aren’t sweet, but they are necessary.
And loses aren’t lost because without them, you’d still be stuck.
Love, put your hand down. That’s it; beneath you… you feel the rock?
Yes it might hurt but you must feel it!
And the tears will come, drown as much as you need.
And when you are ready, you may rise out of that sea.
Baptism isn’t only for the righteous. But also for the healing.
Unaddicted, so you’d be born anew.
So pick up your gloves and brush up your pens because it aint gon be easy though the worst is history
You sure have made it
Look ahead- forward to better days, catching up on what you’ve lost and remembering that the lost times aren’t lost times, because Regardless if it meant failing, falling and flawing all the way through. Truth is, you did what you had to do to get here.
Whatever had to be, had to be.
Celebrate today.
I raise my glass. Half full! And make a toast.
Truthfully
“To MY better days!”
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Jack, are you letting go?
I took a breath today
about a minute ago, took a breath and let that CO2 out of me
that intoxicating, contaminating, endotoxic clutter
yea, clutter
unraveling the beauty in this life'a mine
letting go
simply that
just letting go
so i can live
3 jobs
school
rent
car bill
make that TWO car bills
phone
entertainment's gotta be paid for
and cant forget the tuition
by the way, can u believe it cost me $6,500 this year?
no wonder i pimp myself so hard
AND!
we cant forget these ones;
boookSS!
ooooohhh how dare i almost forget books
and oh my word! somehow i gotta get here, there and back
while being here, there, AND back here.
wish there was 4 of me, so yall'd have a fair share
but... no...
yall are just...
nothing BUT.
simply clutters
a jack of all trade, masters none, looses all
in the midst of loosing it all, i lost the veil
and now, see
that nothing is worth holding onto
if it'll only make you trip
I'm having a hard fall
and letting go of it all
because really, what is it that i'm fighting for?
school- grades suck
work- sick calls
life- overstressed
so today, i picked up the phone
and called my work
to let them know
that i'll be off for the next two weeks
Thank God for stress leaves
because i am so damn stressed
but thats only one job
and right after this post is done,
i'll get in that car'a mine
and go over to the next job
so i can tell them
that i'll be off for 4 months.
its over.
clutters, uncluttered.
about a minute ago, took a breath and let that CO2 out of me
that intoxicating, contaminating, endotoxic clutter
yea, clutter
unraveling the beauty in this life'a mine
letting go
simply that
just letting go
so i can live
3 jobs
school
rent
car bill
make that TWO car bills
phone
entertainment's gotta be paid for
and cant forget the tuition
by the way, can u believe it cost me $6,500 this year?
no wonder i pimp myself so hard
AND!
we cant forget these ones;
boookSS!
ooooohhh how dare i almost forget books
and oh my word! somehow i gotta get here, there and back
while being here, there, AND back here.
wish there was 4 of me, so yall'd have a fair share
but... no...
yall are just...
nothing BUT.
simply clutters
a jack of all trade, masters none, looses all
in the midst of loosing it all, i lost the veil
and now, see
that nothing is worth holding onto
if it'll only make you trip
I'm having a hard fall
and letting go of it all
because really, what is it that i'm fighting for?
school- grades suck
work- sick calls
life- overstressed
so today, i picked up the phone
and called my work
to let them know
that i'll be off for the next two weeks
Thank God for stress leaves
because i am so damn stressed
but thats only one job
and right after this post is done,
i'll get in that car'a mine
and go over to the next job
so i can tell them
that i'll be off for 4 months.
its over.
clutters, uncluttered.
Friday, April 6, 2007
The waves 'a forming.
i am nervous
TBS and i have been having an awful good time lately
and i worry that it may be short lived
the days when i use to be happy with him are dwindling
now, i get nervous because things seem to be "too good to be true"
Last night, he slept over.
i woke up to his touch, he kissed me like he never did before
i parted my lips and just allowed him
to take over
and take over, he did.
he said "we're getting old"
i woke out of whatever level of REM i was in
was i hearing him right?
he continued "we're not as young as i thought".
i got up, went to the wash room
i suddenly had to pee
"you're so small"
i thought lmao! this man didnt even notice i gained 6 pounds?
i got on the scale,
i was wrong
122 pounds
(WTF! damn i didnt even notice!)
climbed back over him into his spot
we slept in the wrong spots last night.
"I thought i'd wait till i was 30,but ..."
i replied "i'm still young. i wanna do some things before then- travel a bit"
"ya, i'd travel but only for a few days"
i told him: "we should plan that"
"plan it?"
a mere misunderstanding
i looked up to his eyes to correct him
and finally, realised what he thought i meant
"NO!"
shit! i caught myself saying it like its some sorta taboo. i felt so bad.
i lowered my voice and carefully softened my tone as i continued; "i mean we should plan going away for the weekend!"
I have a fear of life, happening.
a fear of these things.
eventually, i'll do it.
because as much as i'd hate to be a "wife",
i'd love to be his partner for life.
so maybe what i need to do
is change my idea of that word
"wife"
and realise that regardless how "married" we are,
i'll be respected by him, loved by him, wanted by him.
i'll be respected by me, loved by me, cherished by me.
nothing changes, other than the fact that neither one of us ever lets go.
ever again.
i'll be the wife that wears the pants.
and he'll be the husband that simply assists me in putting those pants on.
i just know it.
TBS and i have been having an awful good time lately
and i worry that it may be short lived
the days when i use to be happy with him are dwindling
now, i get nervous because things seem to be "too good to be true"
Last night, he slept over.
i woke up to his touch, he kissed me like he never did before
i parted my lips and just allowed him
to take over
and take over, he did.
he said "we're getting old"
i woke out of whatever level of REM i was in
was i hearing him right?
he continued "we're not as young as i thought".
i got up, went to the wash room
i suddenly had to pee
"you're so small"
i thought lmao! this man didnt even notice i gained 6 pounds?
i got on the scale,
i was wrong
122 pounds
(WTF! damn i didnt even notice!)
climbed back over him into his spot
we slept in the wrong spots last night.
"I thought i'd wait till i was 30,but ..."
i replied "i'm still young. i wanna do some things before then- travel a bit"
"ya, i'd travel but only for a few days"
i told him: "we should plan that"
"plan it?"
a mere misunderstanding
i looked up to his eyes to correct him
and finally, realised what he thought i meant
"NO!"
shit! i caught myself saying it like its some sorta taboo. i felt so bad.
i lowered my voice and carefully softened my tone as i continued; "i mean we should plan going away for the weekend!"
I have a fear of life, happening.
a fear of these things.
eventually, i'll do it.
because as much as i'd hate to be a "wife",
i'd love to be his partner for life.
so maybe what i need to do
is change my idea of that word
"wife"
and realise that regardless how "married" we are,
i'll be respected by him, loved by him, wanted by him.
i'll be respected by me, loved by me, cherished by me.
nothing changes, other than the fact that neither one of us ever lets go.
ever again.
i'll be the wife that wears the pants.
and he'll be the husband that simply assists me in putting those pants on.
i just know it.
Convo with the ones who've "been there".
coworker 1: if i could go back, i woukdnt have had them
coworker 2: it took me so long to have her! but one is enough
coworker 3: i love my kids.
and as they rounded up to me,
all eyes on me
they knew my history
and knew well enough
that i havent had none
i almost choked on my chicken bone
as i repliet blatantly
"i need a surrogate mother"
they roared into laughter
and i stared through these eyes,
at people who really didnt know
that i am so damn serious!
i dont like the idea of being pregnant.
neither do i want to raise anyone who is bedwetting, thumb sucking, insomnic, cranky, or just plain old "babyish"!
coworker 2: it took me so long to have her! but one is enough
coworker 3: i love my kids.
and as they rounded up to me,
all eyes on me
they knew my history
and knew well enough
that i havent had none
i almost choked on my chicken bone
as i repliet blatantly
"i need a surrogate mother"
they roared into laughter
and i stared through these eyes,
at people who really didnt know
that i am so damn serious!
i dont like the idea of being pregnant.
neither do i want to raise anyone who is bedwetting, thumb sucking, insomnic, cranky, or just plain old "babyish"!
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