Had a dream that Yugi died. And though i was told in the dream, i didnt believe them. I have a cousin with a similar name so it didnt bother me as much. Then i was on my way out to some party. I remember i was wearing a pair ofred shoes (that i dont even own in real life) and these black tappered pants (dont have those in real life neither) and a redtop. I was about to leave the house when someone told me and it finally sinked in.
I couldnt get myself to cry. But i wished he hadnt passed.
He had suposedly gone in for a check-up, only to be retained there at the hospital for colon cancer. He lived only three days after that.
And i remember thinking some thoughts in my dreams,trying to make sense of it all... Dada had wanted a boy... they wouldnt stop having kids till they got one, and eventually they did. And the boy lived till he was in his twenties?!
life didnt seem to make sense.
And at that moment, i thought about how humans sometimes wants things that may not be meant for us... yet we want anyway...
I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the things i dont understand... hence why i belive in life, and ultimately, in God.
I dont believe that thie dream means my brother will die, or that he would get colon cancer... but this like every dream that i have ever had, meant something.
So i pray that whatever battles i dont know of, God continues to fight them for me. And i wont try to decipher the meaning of that dream. I'll just remind God that my life is in his hands.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Introducing... Alaire.
***I've changed Mr.Frery's name to Mr. Alaire... Alaire means "joyful, happy"... it suits him better than Frery***
I cant tell you the exact date we met. It must've been someday in March... But the day we started talking? Late February.
China and Caty had been connected to a specific dating website... they'd been registered for a while. Then one day, i was at China's place, Caty was there too; it was to be a girl's night out. We got there, and Caty got the funniest idea (shes full of the silliest, funniest ideas... like the time she got the idea that wego to the town's business district at rush hour, picking random cute men, pretending we knew them by asking them if their name was "John"... then later asking them if their last names was "Doe"),... why dont we all get an account together!
Three girls, one profile... it was crazy. We got such responses like i couldnt believe. It was fun. But it only lasted 24hours. Apparently it was wrong to have such a profile... they deleted us. Oh well...
Then i got my own profile. It got a little silly lol. Sometimes we'd even IM each other on there, sort of like MSN. It was funny.
I met a few men there... 3 in total.
The first one i met was a 28yo Congolese man; a masters student at the local uni. New to town, moved here from another state, 5'5, dark skinned, sunny smile, small little itty-bitty eyes, very attractive face. worked as a prof's assistant at the local uni. Speaks French, Swahili, and a few other afro languages.
The second was a 27yo guy from Barbados, who'd just moved here from NY, USA. inspiring social work student, speaks French, poor spoken English, even worse written English, 5'8, very cute!!!, dark skinned, hardly smiled (so i dont know what his smile is like), eccentric fashion sense... a cross between eccentric and USA-FOBish.
The third was a 32yo white guy who was a car sales man. nice sense of style... dresses clean,okay. Studied Psych in uni... graduated years ago. 5'9. Nice smile. Smiles lots.
Mr. Alaire was the first one i met. I didnt like the second guy because heseemed too silly to be real. He continuously called me to tell me he wants me so bad, and that i was the best girl hes met since he moved here. I wanted to believe him. I actually did. But i wasnt convinced that he believed himself, if you feel me... the third guy... the white guy, was way to hard to get with. He liked me, i liked him, but i couldnt live on coffee all the time and i didnt feel like having to explain to him why okra draws and why obeata sometimes have a mix of different types of fishes and meat in it. I never went for a second date with him.
Alaire...the night i went to meet him, i went through hell. He doesnt drive so i drove to see him. We were to meet at his place where i was to have dinner with him... Ugali and some nice spinach soup with maybe cow tripe! I could already taste the damn thing but lo and behold, my beautifully imperfect car had to stop working on my way there! I had to get off the freeway and call a towtruck. The mess ended up costing me up to 1400 in funds to fix but anyway... while i was waiting for the Towtruck, i called him and told him the car broke down so he decided to cab it to where i was, and wait for the truck with me.
The first time i saw him, i think i screamed (well, not to his face but when he was out of the car and i had gotten the balls to call Caty up so i'd have someone to scream to). He looked like such a FOB. lol.
And his accent was so pronounced but i didnt mind that at all... since i have a (BIGBIGBIGGG)thing for Fench accents. What i had even more trouble accpeting,was that he was short.
Yet he'd impressed me so much when i'd talk to him on the phone, and when we'd chat on msn... i had a crush on the conversations we had.
So after the car had been towed, we went over to his place where he shared with a roommate. It was cool. I had caught a cold by then so he made me a cup of cammomille tea. I met his roommate... it was cool.
What amazed me about this guy is his smile. It was relentless. Frery eases smiles through a volcanoes. I sometimes smile, but most times, i dont. If you've ever been asked by a stranger while walking down the street to "please smile", then you know exactly what i mean.
But remember i said i met him in February? Well...his height bothered me all the way through to the 29th of March. I liked and adored so many things about this man, but couldnt get over the fact that i didnt have to get on my tippytoes to kiss him.
Speaking of tippytoes... i did something stupid when i eventually decided to accept him. I'd get on my tippytoes everytime we'd kiss. Call it a force of habit for years of being with TBS. Then once, he asked me "where are you flying to?" lol
But i've totally accepted him now. Its like the first time i'd have ewedu mixed with okra. I'd love that i could have ewedu but hate that it'd be mixed with okra. But had it anyway, since it meant that i got to have ewedu... anyone got me?
So now i am his... and he is new to town so we go out sightseeing and touring the beaches sometimes. And i, am in absolute like (cant say that other word yet... still struggling with it) with this man that makes molehills seems so much more leveled... like everything is everything and life doesnt have to be so stressful... i have smiled so much more these past weeks than i have the rest of the year. And he understands, doesnt criticize me when i let Darque on my bed.
The one thing i sort of think is cute but a little disturbing is that Darque forgets me when he is here. If we both come in at thesame time, she litterally ignores me... for the first 10-20minutes. And then i guess she gets hungry and remembers who her feeder is lol. They have such a great connection, its amazing.
But he aint perfect, people. Hes got lots of cons. Like... he gets on my nerves at times when he gets in his playful mood and i just cant seem to be in that sort of mood with him 24-7! Oh lawd! Sometimes i cant stand it. Another flaw?I'mgoing to have to teach him how to eat me well. He is horrible in that department. Very willing, but fucking bad at it. And for the longest time, sexing him used to be so painful! I have this theory now that my coochie takes her time to get used to new dicks. ANd finally, she has. Now its just pleasure. I cant stand the pain.
Sexing him is great. And at first, i'd get scared to even see his peennini because i thought i'd be disappointed. The truth is, he is far from the biggest and smallest i have had. Hs isnt small, but he isnt big. (Lord, now i really have to remain anon. I have shared too much on this blog-o-mine).
Its been great having sex with him. And it makes it even sweeter when he says "Thank you" after an orgasm. And i get in that mode too, where i say "thank you" more often... he just makes theses things easier.
Last week, i took him on a picnic to the beaches to celebrate his graduation. He'll stay in town for his first job... he'll eventually move back home. I try not to think long term so i havent. This weekend, he'll be away. His friend is getting engaged and they have to go pay some sort of dowry.
Not everything that glitters is gold. So if this sounds glittery, then picture it as some sort of mirage. Because to accept that this might be real, would be to set yourself up for a downfall. I dont think he is perfect. But he is at the moment, today, great.
I cant tell you the exact date we met. It must've been someday in March... But the day we started talking? Late February.
China and Caty had been connected to a specific dating website... they'd been registered for a while. Then one day, i was at China's place, Caty was there too; it was to be a girl's night out. We got there, and Caty got the funniest idea (shes full of the silliest, funniest ideas... like the time she got the idea that wego to the town's business district at rush hour, picking random cute men, pretending we knew them by asking them if their name was "John"... then later asking them if their last names was "Doe"),... why dont we all get an account together!
Three girls, one profile... it was crazy. We got such responses like i couldnt believe. It was fun. But it only lasted 24hours. Apparently it was wrong to have such a profile... they deleted us. Oh well...
Then i got my own profile. It got a little silly lol. Sometimes we'd even IM each other on there, sort of like MSN. It was funny.
I met a few men there... 3 in total.
The first one i met was a 28yo Congolese man; a masters student at the local uni. New to town, moved here from another state, 5'5, dark skinned, sunny smile, small little itty-bitty eyes, very attractive face. worked as a prof's assistant at the local uni. Speaks French, Swahili, and a few other afro languages.
The second was a 27yo guy from Barbados, who'd just moved here from NY, USA. inspiring social work student, speaks French, poor spoken English, even worse written English, 5'8, very cute!!!, dark skinned, hardly smiled (so i dont know what his smile is like), eccentric fashion sense... a cross between eccentric and USA-FOBish.
The third was a 32yo white guy who was a car sales man. nice sense of style... dresses clean,okay. Studied Psych in uni... graduated years ago. 5'9. Nice smile. Smiles lots.
Mr. Alaire was the first one i met. I didnt like the second guy because heseemed too silly to be real. He continuously called me to tell me he wants me so bad, and that i was the best girl hes met since he moved here. I wanted to believe him. I actually did. But i wasnt convinced that he believed himself, if you feel me... the third guy... the white guy, was way to hard to get with. He liked me, i liked him, but i couldnt live on coffee all the time and i didnt feel like having to explain to him why okra draws and why obeata sometimes have a mix of different types of fishes and meat in it. I never went for a second date with him.
Alaire...the night i went to meet him, i went through hell. He doesnt drive so i drove to see him. We were to meet at his place where i was to have dinner with him... Ugali and some nice spinach soup with maybe cow tripe! I could already taste the damn thing but lo and behold, my beautifully imperfect car had to stop working on my way there! I had to get off the freeway and call a towtruck. The mess ended up costing me up to 1400 in funds to fix but anyway... while i was waiting for the Towtruck, i called him and told him the car broke down so he decided to cab it to where i was, and wait for the truck with me.
The first time i saw him, i think i screamed (well, not to his face but when he was out of the car and i had gotten the balls to call Caty up so i'd have someone to scream to). He looked like such a FOB. lol.
And his accent was so pronounced but i didnt mind that at all... since i have a (BIGBIGBIGGG)thing for Fench accents. What i had even more trouble accpeting,was that he was short.
Yet he'd impressed me so much when i'd talk to him on the phone, and when we'd chat on msn... i had a crush on the conversations we had.
So after the car had been towed, we went over to his place where he shared with a roommate. It was cool. I had caught a cold by then so he made me a cup of cammomille tea. I met his roommate... it was cool.
What amazed me about this guy is his smile. It was relentless. Frery eases smiles through a volcanoes. I sometimes smile, but most times, i dont. If you've ever been asked by a stranger while walking down the street to "please smile", then you know exactly what i mean.
But remember i said i met him in February? Well...his height bothered me all the way through to the 29th of March. I liked and adored so many things about this man, but couldnt get over the fact that i didnt have to get on my tippytoes to kiss him.
Speaking of tippytoes... i did something stupid when i eventually decided to accept him. I'd get on my tippytoes everytime we'd kiss. Call it a force of habit for years of being with TBS. Then once, he asked me "where are you flying to?" lol
But i've totally accepted him now. Its like the first time i'd have ewedu mixed with okra. I'd love that i could have ewedu but hate that it'd be mixed with okra. But had it anyway, since it meant that i got to have ewedu... anyone got me?
So now i am his... and he is new to town so we go out sightseeing and touring the beaches sometimes. And i, am in absolute like (cant say that other word yet... still struggling with it) with this man that makes molehills seems so much more leveled... like everything is everything and life doesnt have to be so stressful... i have smiled so much more these past weeks than i have the rest of the year. And he understands, doesnt criticize me when i let Darque on my bed.
The one thing i sort of think is cute but a little disturbing is that Darque forgets me when he is here. If we both come in at thesame time, she litterally ignores me... for the first 10-20minutes. And then i guess she gets hungry and remembers who her feeder is lol. They have such a great connection, its amazing.
But he aint perfect, people. Hes got lots of cons. Like... he gets on my nerves at times when he gets in his playful mood and i just cant seem to be in that sort of mood with him 24-7! Oh lawd! Sometimes i cant stand it. Another flaw?I'mgoing to have to teach him how to eat me well. He is horrible in that department. Very willing, but fucking bad at it. And for the longest time, sexing him used to be so painful! I have this theory now that my coochie takes her time to get used to new dicks. ANd finally, she has. Now its just pleasure. I cant stand the pain.
Sexing him is great. And at first, i'd get scared to even see his peennini because i thought i'd be disappointed. The truth is, he is far from the biggest and smallest i have had. Hs isnt small, but he isnt big. (Lord, now i really have to remain anon. I have shared too much on this blog-o-mine).
Its been great having sex with him. And it makes it even sweeter when he says "Thank you" after an orgasm. And i get in that mode too, where i say "thank you" more often... he just makes theses things easier.
Last week, i took him on a picnic to the beaches to celebrate his graduation. He'll stay in town for his first job... he'll eventually move back home. I try not to think long term so i havent. This weekend, he'll be away. His friend is getting engaged and they have to go pay some sort of dowry.
Not everything that glitters is gold. So if this sounds glittery, then picture it as some sort of mirage. Because to accept that this might be real, would be to set yourself up for a downfall. I dont think he is perfect. But he is at the moment, today, great.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Testing, 123!
I need to go get tested for STDs.
And so does he.
I had been getting tested every 6months since i was 16. It was like a routine, pap test, blood test, HIV test, along with every 6th month that came by.
When i was 21, i got a call from the ministry of health. Supposedly i had been i n contact with someone who had been found to have Chlamydia.
I couldnt believe it.
And since i had only had sex with one person between the time i was 17 and then, i knew who it was. Kimani.
So i went for the test. I was dead cold and scared. I still remember walking in there after work and seeing all these people i couldnt find myself ever associating with. They looked more like whores. No seriously, that was my exact feeling.
Yet i was in that room, waiting with them. So really, am i any different?
Somehow, we all took our individual paths. Yet somehow we all ended up there. In that room, waiting to believe that we arent diseased. Hoping for some miracle.
I wasnt infected.
I was okay.
I found out two weeks later.
Thank God for condoms. The son of a forgotten fool had cheated on me but thank goodness for condoms and his devine grace.
So i am now about to start over with Frery so i need the both of us to get tested. Frery... i'll admit, i do like him a lot.
But its odd, because there are a few things about him i am having difficulty accepting. I am at a point where i am redefining or reaffirming my believes in terms of the sort of partner i want and what is important to me. And as i do that, i hope to learn a few lessons along the way.
Anyway, in the meantime, i'm going to get some food to eat lol.
And so does he.
I had been getting tested every 6months since i was 16. It was like a routine, pap test, blood test, HIV test, along with every 6th month that came by.
When i was 21, i got a call from the ministry of health. Supposedly i had been i n contact with someone who had been found to have Chlamydia.
I couldnt believe it.
And since i had only had sex with one person between the time i was 17 and then, i knew who it was. Kimani.
So i went for the test. I was dead cold and scared. I still remember walking in there after work and seeing all these people i couldnt find myself ever associating with. They looked more like whores. No seriously, that was my exact feeling.
Yet i was in that room, waiting with them. So really, am i any different?
Somehow, we all took our individual paths. Yet somehow we all ended up there. In that room, waiting to believe that we arent diseased. Hoping for some miracle.
I wasnt infected.
I was okay.
I found out two weeks later.
Thank God for condoms. The son of a forgotten fool had cheated on me but thank goodness for condoms and his devine grace.
So i am now about to start over with Frery so i need the both of us to get tested. Frery... i'll admit, i do like him a lot.
But its odd, because there are a few things about him i am having difficulty accepting. I am at a point where i am redefining or reaffirming my believes in terms of the sort of partner i want and what is important to me. And as i do that, i hope to learn a few lessons along the way.
Anyway, in the meantime, i'm going to get some food to eat lol.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Gold digger
I'm not trying to be a bitch though i'll admit,
sometimes it comes so naturally
But i just cant stand it when you ask so much of me
so soonn... like so now, so, rightaway
I am flattered that you want me
Though i know it isnt hard to be attractive once you've got a pussy,
still i understand that it is sometimes much more than that
so yes, i relish that. I enjoy that.
Believe me, i appreciate that.
But wait a minute... no, your hands...
hold on a second... dont touch me there
Because it isnt that i dont like it
It is that it is irritating
and somewhere inside, i am hoping you see there is much more to me
Than what God gave me to be thighs
and hips
and breasts
What i have done with me
This masterpiece of a being...
is a bit more
And i want to believe that you are one too
So i want to take my time with you
Find that being within
No, wait a minute
Do i have to kiss you right now?
Oh my friggin goodness!
Would you wait a goddamn second?!
You are frustrating me
And i know you've stopped now
But the moment i shut up, you resume your touching
sliping your hands right onto me.
And i want to do that too
I want to explore you
I want to find the one that you are
If only you'd just give me a minute
The one i was made to be, digs for gold.
To feel, i must search.
And i need time to find.
So i ask that you let me
Dig ma claws in your dirt
Seeking through the rough mess
Allow me with patience, please!
Let me search through your experiences
And the gold you've now become
You.
Please give me time
So i can finally, love you.
And understand... you.
And make this love, with you.
sometimes it comes so naturally
But i just cant stand it when you ask so much of me
so soonn... like so now, so, rightaway
I am flattered that you want me
Though i know it isnt hard to be attractive once you've got a pussy,
still i understand that it is sometimes much more than that
so yes, i relish that. I enjoy that.
Believe me, i appreciate that.
But wait a minute... no, your hands...
hold on a second... dont touch me there
Because it isnt that i dont like it
It is that it is irritating
and somewhere inside, i am hoping you see there is much more to me
Than what God gave me to be thighs
and hips
and breasts
What i have done with me
This masterpiece of a being...
is a bit more
And i want to believe that you are one too
So i want to take my time with you
Find that being within
No, wait a minute
Do i have to kiss you right now?
Oh my friggin goodness!
Would you wait a goddamn second?!
You are frustrating me
And i know you've stopped now
But the moment i shut up, you resume your touching
sliping your hands right onto me.
And i want to do that too
I want to explore you
I want to find the one that you are
If only you'd just give me a minute
The one i was made to be, digs for gold.
To feel, i must search.
And i need time to find.
So i ask that you let me
Dig ma claws in your dirt
Seeking through the rough mess
Allow me with patience, please!
Let me search through your experiences
And the gold you've now become
You.
Please give me time
So i can finally, love you.
And understand... you.
And make this love, with you.
"Black bitch"
Okay, it went a lil some'n like this
She got pissed, say ma girl needed to move her make-shift rover ASAP
Honked and holler'd damn near woke up the whole city
Talkin bout "Move your damn car!"
And for a minute there i thought i was seeing things
Because with all that damn anger, it was all for nothin
if you wanna get moving so bad, why de hell dont you use the next lane?
But sometimes a bitch is got to be a bitch
and sometimes bitches get confused
and sometimes they dont say the shit they mean
It aint about the damn car space
It about pure estrogen race
Miss heiffer wanted to win a battle
That really didnt matter... a simple battle for car space that isnt so simple since it ain even about car space in the first place!
So i watched as miss thang hopped out her car,
Called up her crew hoping for some wings cuz you know, chics really cant fly so when shit goes down, she be needin some backup plan
I wanted to laugh it was apparent... aint noone else drunk outta dem. They left her ass hanging as they left. May be a good idea to cut on drinking if you know you cant hold your own... especially if your crew got brains and they know they cant fight when you act all out.
So she came up to the car, bitch tried opening ma girl's car
And i thought that was cute because... i wondered what she was about to do if she had got the door open?
Not knowing that shes got me and a man in the back seats,little miss blonde almost choked when she saw me
Well, i cant help it if i look like the night. But sometimes, it aint so bad... i can just creep up on bitches whenever i want...
And just like dat, she jumped. But she jumped like she didnt because you could see her eyebrows twitching though her body wasnt moving...
And i knew the blackness got ma back cuz the whiteness in hers knew better
Immediately, i knew i didnt even have to fret so unless she is like what TV says, i got this.
And if TV is right, then we've got 4 dead bodies in the car, yeah... shot to the head and maybe butchered to pieces all thanks to yours truly...
But in this case, i couldnt be scared... well, between you and i, i'll be honest. I was, but only if she had a gun.
Otherwise i tol miss thang if she wanted to move the car so bad, then she better get around us and since she tried opening up the car door, then she better do her worst cuz the line is behind her now and shes gone too damn far.
"What was she doing? Was she tryna open your car door?"
Hell mothafuckin nAHHHH!
"tURN OFF DAT ENGINE! wE AIN GOIN NOWHERE!"
White turned even whiter as she stared me in the face. Never knew "scared-shitless" could merge so well with "anger" in one spot like it did in her eyes...
With hands jittering, i could see my girl turning the keys as the lights go off... lol we were here to stay
her crew left, i guess they knew better. Never a good idea to defend a drunken fool.
She got back in her car, and something in me wished she'd hit ours so we can get her for her insurance but "drunk" goes on vacation when it needs to... somehow, her alcohol level had decreased. Blondie knew better.
But the funniest part of the night was when she turned to me as she was driving off...
"you black bitch"
Yeah, and she drove off.
And i wanted to laugh but i couldnt because i didnt get it.
I been black for over two decades. And never once have i been reminded that i am black
Wait, did the heiffer mean to call me a "nigger"?
Because if this truly was meant to hurt me then at least, call me outta ma name...
But i couldnt think much longer because i saw her leave,scared shitless and i realised...
Little miss heiffer was scared.
Just because i am black.
And to think i wasnt gon fight her.
But see, i had a chinese chicka in the car
that woulda tore dat ass up if the blonde acted up.
She got pissed, say ma girl needed to move her make-shift rover ASAP
Honked and holler'd damn near woke up the whole city
Talkin bout "Move your damn car!"
And for a minute there i thought i was seeing things
Because with all that damn anger, it was all for nothin
if you wanna get moving so bad, why de hell dont you use the next lane?
But sometimes a bitch is got to be a bitch
and sometimes bitches get confused
and sometimes they dont say the shit they mean
It aint about the damn car space
It about pure estrogen race
Miss heiffer wanted to win a battle
That really didnt matter... a simple battle for car space that isnt so simple since it ain even about car space in the first place!
So i watched as miss thang hopped out her car,
Called up her crew hoping for some wings cuz you know, chics really cant fly so when shit goes down, she be needin some backup plan
I wanted to laugh it was apparent... aint noone else drunk outta dem. They left her ass hanging as they left. May be a good idea to cut on drinking if you know you cant hold your own... especially if your crew got brains and they know they cant fight when you act all out.
So she came up to the car, bitch tried opening ma girl's car
And i thought that was cute because... i wondered what she was about to do if she had got the door open?
Not knowing that shes got me and a man in the back seats,little miss blonde almost choked when she saw me
Well, i cant help it if i look like the night. But sometimes, it aint so bad... i can just creep up on bitches whenever i want...
And just like dat, she jumped. But she jumped like she didnt because you could see her eyebrows twitching though her body wasnt moving...
And i knew the blackness got ma back cuz the whiteness in hers knew better
Immediately, i knew i didnt even have to fret so unless she is like what TV says, i got this.
And if TV is right, then we've got 4 dead bodies in the car, yeah... shot to the head and maybe butchered to pieces all thanks to yours truly...
But in this case, i couldnt be scared... well, between you and i, i'll be honest. I was, but only if she had a gun.
Otherwise i tol miss thang if she wanted to move the car so bad, then she better get around us and since she tried opening up the car door, then she better do her worst cuz the line is behind her now and shes gone too damn far.
"What was she doing? Was she tryna open your car door?"
Hell mothafuckin nAHHHH!
"tURN OFF DAT ENGINE! wE AIN GOIN NOWHERE!"
White turned even whiter as she stared me in the face. Never knew "scared-shitless" could merge so well with "anger" in one spot like it did in her eyes...
With hands jittering, i could see my girl turning the keys as the lights go off... lol we were here to stay
her crew left, i guess they knew better. Never a good idea to defend a drunken fool.
She got back in her car, and something in me wished she'd hit ours so we can get her for her insurance but "drunk" goes on vacation when it needs to... somehow, her alcohol level had decreased. Blondie knew better.
But the funniest part of the night was when she turned to me as she was driving off...
"you black bitch"
Yeah, and she drove off.
And i wanted to laugh but i couldnt because i didnt get it.
I been black for over two decades. And never once have i been reminded that i am black
Wait, did the heiffer mean to call me a "nigger"?
Because if this truly was meant to hurt me then at least, call me outta ma name...
But i couldnt think much longer because i saw her leave,scared shitless and i realised...
Little miss heiffer was scared.
Just because i am black.
And to think i wasnt gon fight her.
But see, i had a chinese chicka in the car
that woulda tore dat ass up if the blonde acted up.
So, while i was away
nikkisab got engaged, AND married...i cant believe this...
thank God ohhh!
Afrobabe had her bday
OMG someone went on a vacation to Florida... i forget who it was and the vacation was funny somehow sha
anyway,
and i think its hit me that mona's blog is actually closed for real (well, not closed but you get the point)
thats sad... shes missed
Oh, and desperate lady's blog is now only by invite... :(
i wasnt invited :( :( :(
Oh well, hope all is well...
i'm currently in my manic blogging phase lol
look at me, blogging about other ppl's blogs lmao
thank God ohhh!
Afrobabe had her bday
OMG someone went on a vacation to Florida... i forget who it was and the vacation was funny somehow sha
anyway,
and i think its hit me that mona's blog is actually closed for real (well, not closed but you get the point)
thats sad... shes missed
Oh, and desperate lady's blog is now only by invite... :(
i wasnt invited :( :( :(
Oh well, hope all is well...
i'm currently in my manic blogging phase lol
look at me, blogging about other ppl's blogs lmao
My day yesterday
Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.
here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.
Back to how my day went yesterday...
So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol
Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.
While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.
Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?
*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*
Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless
So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.
I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.
But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.
I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(
I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.
Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.
Oh God, my life is in your hands.
here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.
Back to how my day went yesterday...
So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol
Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.
While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.
Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?
*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*
Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless
So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.
I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.
But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.
I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(
I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.
Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.
Oh God, my life is in your hands.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I still think of you.
I never did look down there
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?
We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.
Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.
This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...
Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?
We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.
Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.
This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...
Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
TBS... yeah... him again
i want to blog about this joke of a man but i've got so much on my plate.
This is the hardest time of my life.
At least, as far as i can remember.
Too manyt hings to worry about.
TBS's story can wait.
This is the hardest time of my life.
At least, as far as i can remember.
Too manyt hings to worry about.
TBS's story can wait.
Hey, you remember Mr. Firm?
And like so many things in my life right now, i find out that Mr. Firm isnt who i thought he was.
I walked into kiss's work earlier today, saw two ladies and a man sitting, there. See she works at as a customer service personnel at a local company so there are usually always people there. I thought to keep off to the side to wait till she is done work so we may leave, and heard a familiar voice say
"hey you!"
i looked up to see my one and only Mr. Firm!
Mr Firm! Do yall remember him? Does anyone?
Though somehow hidden under my pile of almost-did-but-never-really-did men, is this man i named "Firm". You may click the link below to see my earlier post of him.
http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/07/so-many-moves.html
"OMG! I didnt even see you there!" its true. I didnt. If theres such thing as a tunnel vision, then i have got it. I can walk into a full of people and see no one but myself, but everything that everyone in the room had on. Ask me who was in the room and what they looked like, and i wouldnt have a clue! I didnt see mr. Firm. And what a fine piece of hunk he looked like tonught! That was odd... i never found him attractive lol
"Oh... i cant believe i'm seeing you" i continued
"what a small world" Kiss added
"I know..." Said he.
"Here's your hug!" i said as i leaned him and hugged him
He had tried coming over to visit after our last incident but i couldnt do it. Eerytime he'd plan to come, i'd agree but wouldnt answer his calls in the last minute. I was turned off... since that last incident. I didnt want anything sexual with him. But respect him, i did.
So there we were, and Kiss dropped the bomb...
"Say hi to his wife..." my brain did a backflip... did i hear this right? i looked at her as she pointed to the quiet 2000months pregnant lady behind me.
I didnt pause. How dare i?
Out of respect, out of disappointment yet feeling too sorry to burst his bubbles, i looked back, gave her the truest smile and offered her my right hand.
"oh wow, nice to meet you!"
she accepted. Smiled. She was beautiful. I tell you, some beauties need no eyes to behold them. Somehow she glowed... somehow...something within that woman... glitteed.
I turned back to him. he started to fidget. must have moved the bottle in his hands a billion and one times.
"So, how have you been?" he asked.
And for the first sexcond, iw asnt sure if that was a trick question. I could tell him i have been good till just now when i found out that i almost had sex with a married man! but i didnt think thats what he meant.
"Oh, i've been okay"
And we stopped the chat. This is the man that we would talk for hours on end... hours on fuckin end. we share secrets! LOTS! I told him so many things. One being that he has trouble with his father. And also that he was called out of the blue two years ago by his ex girllfriend that he broke up with 5 yearsbefore then to be informeed that he has a 5year old son.
But that moment, we had nothin to say.
When he left, i texted him:
"Congratulations, Double "O" Seven! Why didnt you tell me? He is beautiful!"
He replied halfa n hour later.
"Speechless but thanks. I need to invite you to the house maybe this weekend I have some explaining to do. Maybe i should call you later tonight."
Okay, WTF! By now i was startin to get pissed. Invite me over ke? Mister Fool! I just found out you are married!!!
I replied with:
"Something tells me i should be angry but instead, I'm shocked. You may call me. Coming over is out of the question. even if i cant respect her, at least i can respect myself. but I'm so happy for you. You deserve a good woman as your partner. I really hope I wasnt seeing (or whatever it was) you while you were married! lol OMG so you'll be father!Speaking of that, we have to talk (anyway, we'll talk wehn you call)".
I wonder if his wife knows he has a son.
I remember he had once told me when he went home in '06 and was introduced to a woman that his people wanted him to marry. This is now her. but then, he swore they had nothing in common and ... they are married.
I got a call fom him later and we talked. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. it makes sense to him that it was okay to attempt to have sexual relations with me because she was back home. Even though they were married. He says i didnt show him that i wanted him. And he didnt want to push it. i told him if he didnt think theres something wrong with twaht he did, then there must be something terribly wrong with one of us. Something tells me its him.
But see, thats not the point. The point is HE WAS MARRIED!
And the second point is, i never wanted to be with him... ever since he attacked my clit like it was some sort of new unwrapped bubble gum, i knew! And that day while we were in bed, i saw his body and i lost whatever ounce of attraction i had for him. And that day, i realised taht although i like matured men, i dont like to fuck older men. not anymore.
i told him i was disappointed. And i told him that i never did want him. I needed to make that clear.
I have lost all respect for other people's ideas of marriage.
Apparently, we all have different ideas of what a lifetime commitment should mean.
I walked into kiss's work earlier today, saw two ladies and a man sitting, there. See she works at as a customer service personnel at a local company so there are usually always people there. I thought to keep off to the side to wait till she is done work so we may leave, and heard a familiar voice say
"hey you!"
i looked up to see my one and only Mr. Firm!
Mr Firm! Do yall remember him? Does anyone?
Though somehow hidden under my pile of almost-did-but-never-really-did men, is this man i named "Firm". You may click the link below to see my earlier post of him.
http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/07/so-many-moves.html
"OMG! I didnt even see you there!" its true. I didnt. If theres such thing as a tunnel vision, then i have got it. I can walk into a full of people and see no one but myself, but everything that everyone in the room had on. Ask me who was in the room and what they looked like, and i wouldnt have a clue! I didnt see mr. Firm. And what a fine piece of hunk he looked like tonught! That was odd... i never found him attractive lol
"Oh... i cant believe i'm seeing you" i continued
"what a small world" Kiss added
"I know..." Said he.
"Here's your hug!" i said as i leaned him and hugged him
He had tried coming over to visit after our last incident but i couldnt do it. Eerytime he'd plan to come, i'd agree but wouldnt answer his calls in the last minute. I was turned off... since that last incident. I didnt want anything sexual with him. But respect him, i did.
So there we were, and Kiss dropped the bomb...
"Say hi to his wife..." my brain did a backflip... did i hear this right? i looked at her as she pointed to the quiet 2000months pregnant lady behind me.
I didnt pause. How dare i?
Out of respect, out of disappointment yet feeling too sorry to burst his bubbles, i looked back, gave her the truest smile and offered her my right hand.
"oh wow, nice to meet you!"
she accepted. Smiled. She was beautiful. I tell you, some beauties need no eyes to behold them. Somehow she glowed... somehow...something within that woman... glitteed.
I turned back to him. he started to fidget. must have moved the bottle in his hands a billion and one times.
"So, how have you been?" he asked.
And for the first sexcond, iw asnt sure if that was a trick question. I could tell him i have been good till just now when i found out that i almost had sex with a married man! but i didnt think thats what he meant.
"Oh, i've been okay"
And we stopped the chat. This is the man that we would talk for hours on end... hours on fuckin end. we share secrets! LOTS! I told him so many things. One being that he has trouble with his father. And also that he was called out of the blue two years ago by his ex girllfriend that he broke up with 5 yearsbefore then to be informeed that he has a 5year old son.
But that moment, we had nothin to say.
When he left, i texted him:
"Congratulations, Double "O" Seven! Why didnt you tell me? He is beautiful!"
He replied halfa n hour later.
"Speechless but thanks. I need to invite you to the house maybe this weekend I have some explaining to do. Maybe i should call you later tonight."
Okay, WTF! By now i was startin to get pissed. Invite me over ke? Mister Fool! I just found out you are married!!!
I replied with:
"Something tells me i should be angry but instead, I'm shocked. You may call me. Coming over is out of the question. even if i cant respect her, at least i can respect myself. but I'm so happy for you. You deserve a good woman as your partner. I really hope I wasnt seeing (or whatever it was) you while you were married! lol OMG so you'll be father!Speaking of that, we have to talk (anyway, we'll talk wehn you call)".
I wonder if his wife knows he has a son.
I remember he had once told me when he went home in '06 and was introduced to a woman that his people wanted him to marry. This is now her. but then, he swore they had nothing in common and ... they are married.
I got a call fom him later and we talked. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. it makes sense to him that it was okay to attempt to have sexual relations with me because she was back home. Even though they were married. He says i didnt show him that i wanted him. And he didnt want to push it. i told him if he didnt think theres something wrong with twaht he did, then there must be something terribly wrong with one of us. Something tells me its him.
But see, thats not the point. The point is HE WAS MARRIED!
And the second point is, i never wanted to be with him... ever since he attacked my clit like it was some sort of new unwrapped bubble gum, i knew! And that day while we were in bed, i saw his body and i lost whatever ounce of attraction i had for him. And that day, i realised taht although i like matured men, i dont like to fuck older men. not anymore.
i told him i was disappointed. And i told him that i never did want him. I needed to make that clear.
I have lost all respect for other people's ideas of marriage.
Apparently, we all have different ideas of what a lifetime commitment should mean.
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