Before September comes.

At first, i was unsure. So unsure in fact that I couldnt hide it. He couldnt touch me... i wouldnt allow it. I just didnt feel comfortable. I'd first, have to clear everything up... what do i want with him.

Eventually i decided i'd try him. I'm going to leave out the details because i know i wont finish today if i decide to narrate them all.

The first time we had sex was the day I decided to be with him.
We continued with the relationship though in my mind, i'd never really gotten comfortable with his height. And some other things he'd do bothered me. Like how he'd always have his hands on me. And how he sexed like a bunny. And how he'd be so clingy at clubs, in public... and even more importantly, how he'd been engaged to another girl previously. The fact that he was engaged doesnt bother me. Its the fact that he was engaged to someone that obviously couldnt have been a compatible wife for him. Eventually the engagement was off... He'd cheated on her, and she retaliated. And then she chose the other guy and when the guy left her, Alaire wouldnt take her back. She still calls the odd times, but i dont blame her. He is a great guy.

Great, yes. I envy his ability to remain calm under pressure... and love how he makes life look so easy. How he manages to remain true to himself in this sort of world... how he respects, oh i just love how he respects. And when he smiles, i forget that hes grown. He smiles like a child. And i am in absolute love for everything that he is about. And I'm glad hes got flaws because that'll help him remain grounded though i cant imagine him being anything but, regardless... I am simply in admiration of what he is...

But he still wants to get married. And i told him that i didnt want to.

No, i didnt lie.
But neither did i tell the truth.

Its not that i dont want to get married. But i dont want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married. I want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married, to me.

Please let me know if i've lost you in that sentence but i sure hope i havent.

He wants to get married because he feels its the right age, time period, next milestone...
I dont want to get married for the exact same reasons.

But i want him. and not just a little... I want this man.

Sometime in May, he broke it off. And i saw it coming, because i knew he was logical. And to a person like him, being with a girl whose goal is vastly different from his wouldnt make sense. And it doenst to me neither... but i want him.

He enriches my life in ways that no one ever has. Please note that i didnt say ..."in ways that no one ever can"... because i am wiling to realise that as I met this amazing guy, i can meet many more.

Yet, i want him.

And after that break-up, we relapsed a week later. The sex continued, so did everything else. I still see him about 5 days a week... and outside of work, spend most of my time with him.

Its true, i am in love with him.

But you cant have someone that isnt yours. And he may be even less mine because at the end of August, he'll be moving. We'll end up living about 10 hours away from each other. And hes made it clear that he likes me as clear as hes made it known that he does not want a long-distance relationship.

Sometimes we hear humming birds as songs... but really those birds can be so damn annoying.
This is the truest thing hes ever told me... its also the harshest.

In August, i wont have a choice. Life'll force him out of my sight, grasp within my reach and I'll have to deal with it.
I know i'll breakdown for sure. Theres just no other way around it.

So i wonder if i can possibly try now. Not possibly succeed because thats asking for a lot. But try... to let him ease out of my life now, before September comes to make the decision for me.

I dont know what to do, really. I work about 5minutes away from where he lives and live about an hour away from work so needless to say, I've gotten comfortable with staying over at his place in times when I'm working late and or coming over for my lunch breaks at work. Hes become such a big part of my life! How do I even manage to begin to undo that? And what was I thinking weaving into my life in the first place?!

I need help.
How do I get over this man before September comes?

No post in June?!

Whats going on?! I use to live, breathe, dine and dare i say... shit here!
I dont know why, i just dont feel secured as I used to... and as time goes on, i'd just rather share with me, myself and my mind..

but today is a little different. Like one of those days i dont ever want to forget? so i'll share...