Sunday, February 24, 2008

But do Be.

Please be.
The figment of this imagination. Almost reality but simply isnt.
The type that makes me want to squirm a ripple through my chest
extending to feel your breats
in for you. to feel my belly... lol
Oh please be.
That firm spot on my bum
as my ripple complete its form
Be the one i dream of when i roll up on that loveseat
under my comforter... hoping you'd be real.

A soft "hey babe"
Oh i got used to that. And hearing it even when i didnt ask...
LOL yeah... got used to that. And sneaking in late at night where i fell into my dreams.
A light wake up kiss. And your body joining mine.
Oh goodness. Why did i ever get used to that?
I so bad, so much, so... Now...
want that.
So be.

I'd beg you to be. But pride rules my tongue. But do.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I'm fresh out of nerves

You know... sometimes i try to keep the bitch in me down.

Try hard! Keep the muzzle on it ...Oh but some mofoz dont deserve that shit.

So last night i got my period. I really didnt feel like going to sleep but i know my master when it arrives. How dare i try to stay awake?
When i sleep, i feel no pain but anyhow i stay uP?! I wouldnt even dare.
Vomitting, Pacing, Excruciating pain like no other. I wouldnt even dare.

So i went to bed. At 3am.
8am my phone rings.
I didnt even have to check who it was. There is only one loser who wakes up so early on a Saturday morning to torment me.

I was angry.
No. Scratch that.

i was in pain, i was achy, i was tired, my head felt like a brick and this mouse looking bitch decides to place prank calls... i was fuckin angry!
Then he calls my home phone too.

And it was all i could do not to get a plane ticket to his city right away. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those exagerated ears of his, twist them 360(4) DEGREES, leave my paw prints on his cheeks while spitting in his eyes... pushing him to the ground, dragging him by his balls, kicking all and every single soul of harrassment out of his balls, and calling the cops to pick him up for hitting me.

I was furious.
I charged every atom of curses i could gather in my angry sleepy brain to the tip of my tongue and every anger transformed to will as i dialed his number.

But like i said.

Diek is a coward.

He never answered my call. Cell and Home.

But he didnt fail to call again 2 hours later.

I'm running out of patience. I dont know what to do. I still have the wives' address and lord knows if not for the fact that my car battery died last night (i need a boost), i would have so driven down there earlier when he called because i was so mad.

He wont stop. I know Pink gloves and a couple of others may suggest i have patience. But i know he wont stop. A sore loser never quits. He knows i have something in me. I am not ignoring him because i have nothing to say and he knows it. He knows. I am ignoring him because i dont want to be ugly about this. But he would rather get that emotion from me. Than what he is getting right now... "zero".

I have had a similar experience before. I'll share it sometime. its about kimani. If you think Diek is bad, kimani was worse. He'd push, and i'd shift. He'd push and i'd move just a little more. Till he cornered me. And i couldnt help but to fight back. Needless to say, he now knows i'm boss.

Friday, February 22, 2008

To that one lady, Thank you.

Sometimes Mama tells stories. Most times she doesnt. I guess happy stories are easier to share. Mama has very few of those as far as Dada is concerned.

So when she does share these stories, they stick.
Call them crazy glue to the basement lining of my memories, i... remember.
Like this one that i heard when i was little.

Mama, while driving us from school... told us kids... stories. And these times you'd never see her eyes. I dont think i ever saw her cry. But i know Mam's emotions flow through my ducts. I earned these tears from her. I know, she sheds in silence.

I tell you, some things just didnt make much sense.
We were young, we didnt understand. Mama lived in America for years. She went to uni in America. Mama et Dada.

Then they had some kids. And Dada was to go visit back home. And he did.
Then Mama got the mail.

"Some woman wrote me a letter, asking me if its true that he had divorced me!" its (un)funny how shes able to yell it out to us (sometimes). Yet when she hurts, does it oh so quietly.

In an attempt to ensure she would be married to a single man, this lady wrote her a letter to confirm that he had been divorced as he had claimed.
She snooped, got Mama's address, and sent the letter.
I admire her. Back then most women wouldnt care. Even now, some wouldnt. Culture is just an excuse. Truth is, some people just dont ever have the courage to demand better.

Needless to say, they were still married.

"I moved back home immediately. They had almost had the wedding, plannings and everything!"

Thats how she ended up back home.

Years later, somewhere... Dada got his dream. He found a woman who didnt care. She along with her one daughter and a pregnant belly, moved into our home. But Mama sensed it coming. You can take a bitch out of a hood but never a hood out dat bitch.

She had moved back overseas before she arrived.

I want to be that woman.
I want to be the one to tell another...
I would want to be told.
I would want to be informed.

But lord knows its been stressful trying to get a hold of Mrs. Stella Diek.

She never answers the phone. And so, i stopped calling.

And Diek? I stopped caring. Truth is, i hardly ever did. Which is why i was not hurt. I forget about him till friends mention him. Or till i log on to blogville and see his name... or till he calls.

But it must hurt to lose. Or it must suck to be ignored.
He had been trying to contact me on msn and i really didnt know what to say so i just leave him be. But instead, he decided to start calling me continuously.
8,4,3, 10 times a day.

Once i answered and said "Hello" only for him to say "Hi Truth, how are you?"
I hung up. What am i supposed to say? I dont know! Where is the conversation to go? How are you am okay how are you oh am okay too so what are you doing oh nothing so what are you doing oh nothing... LIKE!!! SERIOUSLY!
So, thats why i hung up.

And he resumed calling... always with blocked numbers. And when i answer (hardly do), he doesnt say a word.
A coward cant ever own up.
So i usually dont pick up. And when i cant stand it anymore, i do pick up and just leave the receiver on the table so he can hang up when he is tired of being a Diek.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

To Catch a Lying Diek (2)

"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"

"Okay, so... baby?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"

He sprang up like the bed had fired him up. Paced around in the room for a minute before finding his voice:
"How did you know?"
"Why didn't you tell me about them?"
i didn't wait fr a response because really, it didn't matter "I TOLD you i didn't care if you had kids! couldn't you have at least been honest with me about that?"
Here comes his mini-discovery moment! Finally his brain was coming to... "OH! did you look through my flash drive?"
I hadn't. Lord knows what else i would have found there.
"Your Flash drive? no actually i didn't. SHOULD i have looked in there?"
"You must have looked through my computer"
"Well, you keep wondering how i found out, and I'll keep knowing how i found out."

I turned away, did some of my paper work as he dealt with his confusion. It got really quiet. He was thinking. And like he had finally found sobriety, he said:
"Come here..." in the softest way i had ever heard him speak. But softness was not what i was looking for right then. Fuck the mother of softness. I dashed him a "nigga, you cant be serious" look, burning shame down his spine. He backed away, thinking. Okay, now it was time for me to phuk him up. Its simple: I have enough shit on him to live off for a year. Anyhow he says he doesn't want to fly me back home, I'll simply book myself an executive flight with his VISA number and call his parents back home to let them know just how much funds he shells out for females to come see his married ass in his make-shift home. Really, it was that simple.
I was about to say something. I was about to hit him real hard. I was SO sure the fool would try to phuk me up. But i didn't expect this:
"Truth? I am so sorry." softly "So so sorry that i hurt you"
HURT. That word didn't meet its match in me. "Hurt"? No. I couldn't find it in myself. I didn't know why, but there was this nagging feeling of relief, and not one drop of pain or hurt. I wanted to be angry. But i wasn't. I wanted to be hurt, but i wasn't. I wanted to be disappointed, but i wasn't. Bloggers, i was in another girl's body. Anger betrayed me at the one time that i needed it the most; took a drastic break from me right then. I was not hurt. Neither could i be angry. I told myself it might be because my anger was on vacation till he starts to try to act up by telling me that he wont book my flight. I settled for that. Okay, maybe i wont be angry till then.
I smiled "Diek, you didn't hurt me. And for some reason, I'm not angry. So you don't have to be sorry for hurting me. I am not hurt."
He pulled closer "See, this is what draws me to you." He looked so wrong. Like he had been caught doing a goat, like he had been found guilty, he looked so wrong. i looked up at him. For one second i was sure he was on crack, but even that certainty didn't prepare me for this as i asked him:

"Why didn't you tell me you had a son?"
"I didn't have a son when you asked me"

okay, now i was a tab bit angry. This motherEffer didnt jut try to justify that shit
"Wait, so your conscience allows you to tell a person that you didn't have a child even though your child's birth was only a month away? Even though his heart had been beating for SEVEN whole months?! YOUR CONSCIENCE is THAT SKEWED THAT YOU CAN TELL A PERSON THAT WITHOUT BEING burchered to death with GUILT?!"
No answer. Of course. Why would he answer?
"Truth, you will always have a special place in my heart. I have so much love for you. I don't want it to end this way."
"A place in your heart? Right next to your wife and kids?"

Okay, then out of a funky blue:
"Would you marry me?"
I thought i had heard wrong. I looked on his face and got a confirmation. My ears weren't playing tricks on me. This idiot had seriously asked me that. And bloggers, i tell you this is the one moment i wish i could change that night. The moment that i answered the DUMBEST, most IRRATIONAL, question ever:
"NO! marry you ke? Are you out of your mind?"

Dumbest thing i ever said. I mean, if someone would have askd me "Truth, what is the sum of 1 and 1?" i would say "you're insulting my in telligence" if smeone was to ask me "Is the sky blue?"
I would say "Are you breathing"
Likewise, i don't understand why i actually answered his question. I felt so stupid. such silly questions don't deserve answers AT ALL!
He looked disappointed (can you imagine? what was he expecting?) as he looked away.

There was a long moment of silence. Then came his unjust anger.
"But you shouldnt have looked through my computer now.." My eyes bulged out so quick "... that is invasion of privacy"
I wanted to slap him.
I didn't expect this:
Oh... i was expecting the goat to tell me he wont and try to kick me out of his house or something. Hmm... well,... i didn't expect it to run so smooth. He booked me the morning flight.
"I am so sorry. I hope this wont ruin things between us".
"Things? What things?"

He didn't answer.
I wanted to pee so bad, but i couldn't get up. I didn't trust him one bit. I fell asleep thinking.
I woke up in the morning to see he was already up and about to go shower. it was 5:40am. My flight was to be in an hour. He got out of the shower in about 20minutes. I heard his roommate get in right after him. I looked at the time.
At 6:20 the washroom finally became free. Well, the heifer knew i would need to shower before hugging the washroom for 20 minutes. And heaven knows heres NO WAY i was about to leave that city without freshening up. I packed my wallet with me as i headed for the shower. If he would have left the house without me, at least i would have his banking information in my wallet to use to book another flight and of course, to call a cab too.
I finished at 6:45. Yes, same time my flight was leaving.
We got in the car.

"I think you're going to miss your flight"
"I better not miss it"
"Look at the time, i think you already missed it"
"Well, i dont know what you expect me to say. All i know is i'm going home today"

He drove quietly.

When we got there, we were told that we had missed the flight. The ticket was $230. And also non refundable. The clerk at the airport said
"You can book a seat on the next flight. It would cost you an additional $200."
I replied "OKAY"
Turned to Diek.
He didn't dare look at me. He paid.

I got my ticket, turned around, a "bye" and left.

I got back to the city, relieved and a little surprised. I didn't expect things to go the way they did.
Later that evening i got a call. Mr. Diek was calling. I was at China's house so i asked her if she knew how to sing, she was surprised. I told her who it was that was calling and she agreed to sing to him on the phone. At this point, i didn't want any thing to do with him. I gave the phone to her.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to youuuu happy birthday to you" and she hung up.
We had a good laugh after that one. He called back again.
SHe picked it up
"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmass..." and she hung up.

He didn't call back for a few days after then. Then he started calling private. Now, he didn't speak. He would just hang up whenever I'd pick it up.
Even till this morning. He is yet to reach acceptance.

I have been calling his wife's number. Their home number. I have called private and even with other numbers. Not once have i had anyone answer my call. I wonder if the wife is away. I'm THIS close to calling his mother back home but whats the point in that?
Till this day, I'm not angry. I hate this sort of serenity because, i do want to be angry. But i am not.

Yesterday, he called me with his number visible (as opposed to the other times when he calls private)and asked me the silliest question ever (oh wait... scratch that). He asked "DO you remember how much the flight cost?"
I thought he was high
"Why would I remember? Arent you the one who paid for it? Why not check your records? why are you asking me?"
WIth that said, he hung up.
I thought about calling him back to curse his forefathers. But then again, thats what he would want; my attention. I know it kills him to know that i dont give a shit. And i know that hes stuck at Anger. Someday, he'll cross over that hill and make it to Acceptance.

My people, feel free to share your take on this... What would you have done? Or better yet, what do you wish you would have done or think that you should do?

Monday, February 4, 2008

To Catch a Lying-Diek (1)

WARNING: My blogville people, please ensure you're seated because i cant be held responsible if you get syncopic from reading this story.

Okay, so i was happy to leave on Saturday night to go see my new boyfie... it was exciting! I'd be taking a 4.5hour flight. He got the ticket, cost 220bucks, and emailed the information to me so i was able to print it. I got to the airport late but thank goodness that my flight was delayed. I arrived in his city, and called him, he met me at the airport 10minutes after my arrival.

"You had me waiting too long. Please dont let that repeat itself."
He held me... "I'm so sorry."
We went into his car, he drove there. For some reason, this trip seemed to be like a dejavu... i didnt understand why, but i do now. I didnt know then, but i had been there before. My blogville people, stay with me on this...

So, there i was with this man that is my new man. i needed something from him. I wasnt physically crazy about him, but i wanted to have sex with him (kind of hard not to seince we've talked about sex so often!) but most importantly, i wanted that "ish' factor... his drive, he truly is gifted, and iwanted a piece of that. Yeah, i said wanted... i guess by now, you've figured it out.

I went into his home, went into his room... there, as he had told me, was his furniture-less room. He had warned me that he didnt have but an airbed since he just moved there, he asked if i wanted him to purchase a bed before I got there and i had told him i didnt care. I didnt. I've slept with my b-fies on worse than airbeds. As materialistic as i am, i can also be so... sayy... thrifty(?)... i have suffered with men, and so have i enjoyed with them.

Anyway, so we slept...NOT! We kissed, and kissed, and kissssed...made out lots, decided he wanted to do the do so he had asked if i had brought condoms (i'd said i would buy some), i told him i hadnt and he didnt try hard enough to hide his disappointment. He wanted to do the do without it. That raised all the flags in my cerebellum as i whimpered the little words i had left in me:
"What? you would have sex just like that? you would have sex with me without a condom?" He looked confused.
"What if i had something? i mean,... what if you do? i mean... dont you love yourself?"
"No, i was only kidding, I wasnt going to ..."
By this time, i had gotten scared shitless. I had made the wrong turn. I wanted the city to spit me right back into my rightful home. I knew something was up. My people, please know this:


My heart was hurt and my sense of security with this man, destroyed. I was with the wrongest person, in his bed, in his home, in his city, in his state... i wanted so bad, to be wrong. But i wasnt. Then he asked if i would go down on him! My people, some people LOve giving oral, i LOve receiving them. My oral cavity is quite petite, i dont do well with oral so accordingly, i said no. He asked if he could go down on me and i said "NO!" ,... at this point, i was scared to do anything sexual with him. So he started to play with himself and lord knows, that turns me MIGHTY on, so i siad, "Do you mind if i watch?"
"Watch? No, i dont mind" And watch i did.
"Well, i'll do you one better, i'll play with myself too"
This is a major turn on for me. Its hot to play with yourselves, watching each other. So, anyway, i decided to feel him... and feel i did.
I couldnt believe it. This man had bragged about his size, hence the name "Diek"! I remember him saying "My dick this, my dick that, my dick this and a whole bunch of that..." So i had asked him back then (since it seemed like he wanted me to ask so bad) "Diek, how big is your dick?"
"oh, its big. 8 inches"
My brows spelt a big M as i asked... "EIGHT?"
"Yes, eight"
He responded proudly
"Isnt that the regular size?"
He looked puzzled "No! thats quite big!"Okay, its either i'd been lucky with most of my men, or this man is in some sad denial...
Okay, fast forward... yeah, him and i in the inflated bed, my fingers on my vaginity, other hand on his ... well, his.. snake. yes, snake. snake! You know one of those baby snakes??? I mean one of those BIC-pen looking ones... i didnt know if to stroke it up and down or to detach it to write a letter with!

I have decided, lord better give me a small fat dick instead of a long skinny one anyday because if i end up with a skinny one, i'll be bitter. Yes, that is my new petpeeve,: skinny pencil-like dicks!

The next day he claimed he wanted to go to church. He asked if i wanted to come but he didndt really ask...
"You want to come? but you dfont have to come if you dont want to."There are many times God wants me to go to church, but that wasnt one of the times. I was meant to stay home, besides, Diek obviously didnt really want me to come.

I stayed. He called me shortly after to ask for the directions to the church, he couldnt find the church. He ended up not finding it and decided he would com eback home. -

I went on his laptop after he left. I wanted to blog but i was scared. What if he traced my blog? My annonimyty is REALLY important to me. How do you speak Truth, if you know people are watching?

I went online, and then decided to check if he has some pictures on his PC. I saw one named "Pic"...
Ohhhh! This looks cool, what do we have here? Annnnddd! CLICK!
Who is this? shes cute... whats with her? she seems to have lots of pictures on here...must be an ex? maybe? Might be the one he said he was with 8 months ago...
He said the last time he had sex was 8months ago. He told me that in October. He also told me that on saturday. My blogville people, stay with me on this one...

So i decided to check if he was other albums...
ohhhh... this one is named... named... n-n-nn-nnnna-me-ddd...

My mind-jaw dropped. I needed a hand to hold me from falling, though i was seated, i was collapsing from shock.

Two words, 7 letters, one space, and a big ol lie, found.

My mind trailed back to the first time we spoke... His words sounded like the soundtracks of my discovery moment as i recalled...
"Do you have any kids?" I had asked first.
"No." Two words, not stiffled, not screamed, not forced. Two simply spoken words.
"Do you have any children?" He asked. I laughed. I always find it funny when people ask me that. That question always reminds me that i am speaking with a stranger, someone who hasnt gotten to learn that i am anti-children-of-my-own.
"no, i dont have any. But i have dated men with kids. I dont mind men with kids." I always make sure to add that because its true. I dont.

So then, if that had been the trail of our convo, what was this file that i was about to ...CLICK!
And there it was, loads of pictures, same girl,only about 100pounds heavier... Same man, only looking about a lot more proud, and another soul... some innocent looking baby who resembled him, unfortunately for that poor boy. A beautiful mother, a father like him, yet he had to look like his father. The resemblance was outrageous.

At this point, i got into my proactive mode. I sent those pics to my email and friends, along with pics of his girl, i check further more and found TONS of information on his laptop:
Hotmail conversations with me, my double IDs, and tons of other females,... his wife (yes, wife)'s phone number, address, his mother and familiy's contact information, his social identification code, his business information (for his business account), his incometax information, his everything!
It wasnt until after i was done that i realised, he still had not returned! He had called me like an hour and a half ago to tell me he would be back in 15minutes! But snoopery wouldnt let me call him to hurry him up. I needed time, so i didnt bother calling him. By the time he had returned, i was done with all the transfers. I had enough information to send him to Lucifer's anus.

When he returned, he seemed so upset that he didnt find the church. Hypocritical son of a goose! How dare he even dare to step foot in a church? But,...i tried to keep my cool. I have to be smart, i have to get a return ticket home. We flirted, kised, i scolded him for being late since i had to make it look real. He asked if i wanted to go to a hotel for the night to be comfortable because all he had was an airbed. This is thesame man that had tried to convince me not to stay in ahotel before. I think he just wanted to have a place to go all wild. He was so sure he was getting some nookie. Oh well, we can all dream. He asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and i agreed, he claimed we would have to take the bus since he had already returned his rental car.
"Oh! I see... well, then have fun eating out!"
"What? you're not coming?"
"Not without a car. I didnt come to another man's state only to have to haul around in a bus, if you didnt have a ride for me, you should have told me. I would have stayed in my home!" "Seriously?" He looked usprised.
"Um, yeah! So, im staying right here and if starvation is my fate in this spoit taht i'm staying at, then so be it!""i was just trying to test you. The car is outside, lets go"
I was furous. Never test fire, it just might burn you.

"Do i look like one of your little persona-falsifying females that you usually come in contact with?"
"What do you mean? I was only joking nowww"
"No seriously! Joke with kids! I dont deal in children! If you want a female you can test, either get yourself a litmus paper, or get yourself one of your regulars!"

I was angry. But i think at that moment, i was being vulnerable. I was too easy to read. I needed to compose myself better. I told myself "STOP IT WOMAN!" ... and...

We went out to eat and flirted. He was my man, and i was his woman.

When we were going back, i appologised for not having the condoms that i had planned to bring him. I also appologised for not bringing the sex toy i had planned to buy him. The only reason i didnt but these things was because i had no time and besides, i had too many stuff in my bag. So i asked him../
"Lets go to a sex store and pick those stuff up."
But he didnt want to...
"no, i dont need them now"
I see, so not only are you a liar, you are also cheap. I know his type. He thinks i wanted him to pay for those sex items, truth is, i didnt. I was going to pay for them, but i let his foolish brains fool him.But it hought to ask
"Why dont you want it now? i mean, you were so excited to have it before"He didnt really give me an answer. Anyway... i already knew he was a snake, ... time for the kill.

When we got to his house, he asked again if i wanted a hotel and my people, i wpuld have agreed. BUT! I knew i could go to the hotel with him but i couldnt sex him. If i dont sex him, he might want to leave me at the hotel. I had to be smart about this. At his home, he cant forcefully push me out. Truth is, i can physically handle him. If i wanted to hold him down and make him beg for his dear life, i could have. But i wanted to be graceful, like the swan i can sometimes pretend to be lol.

"No, lets stay here." So we stayed.

Just then, i got a text from Nat
"Dont tell him, and whatever you do, dont act like anything is wrong, just go with the flow till you get your return ticket."
But by then, i was just so angry! Going with the flow would mean he would succeed at this! I couldnt do it! I wasnt about to keep beating myself up inside for someone else's sins! I called him to my side:
"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"How much?"
He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of"
his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"


Saturday, February 2, 2008

Introducing... Mr. Deik

I had told myself it would never happen. I had said that i would never do it. And in my defense, it really wasnt what i was expecting. I had simply logged on, hoping to get away from this life.
... logged on to the e-world ...
typed it out... andddd... ENTER!

Name? username? hmm.. how about "Truthurts" andddd... ENTER!

I looked around the room, checked on the list... no one i really recognized. So, i chatted away... about absolutely nothing. We talked about my fav, topics; Equality, Societal gender stereotypes, Sex and the likes...

OH! what is this! A private message? i'm feeling a little nice today so i'll respond.
"How are you?"
"Where are you chatting from?"
"Bruhal" i lied "and you?"
"I'm in Bruhal too!"
We talked for a while and exchanged IMaddresses.
I added him instantly.

We talked, and i realised we had similar backgrounds. WHen he said he was Yoruba, i wanted to scream! Oh NO! Not another small dickie! okay, i'm sorry, i really am. The one and only yoruba man i dated had a pinky for a penis. It was sad. so excuse my fret!

But i'm not the easiest person to deal with. I am quite unconventional and he seemed to be traditional. I have always said that i can never be submissive to anything that does not honor me. Accordingly, i simply handpick the qualities within my culture/society that does that. Somebody shoot me for wanting the bes for myself... because that is all i want from this life.

So needless to say, Deik and i had quite a few clashes. We wuld talk for a bit and then stop communitating. Off and on.. just like that. Besides, I was in love with the act of another man at the time. And even after i fell out of love with that "play", i became wise, and hurt. I needed time to heal.

That was in October.
This is now.

In January, Deik and I decided to meet. He was to come over to my place. By then had already came clean to him about where i lived. He drove 50minutes to my place since i live out of the city. When he arrived, he called me
"Oh, are you outside?"
"Okay, i'll be out in a minute"
"Hurry oh! Because i have to use the bathroom"
LMAO my ppl! isnt that the oldest trick in the bookQ! so i replied
"No problem, i'll hurry out so we can get to the cafe so you could use the bathroom"

WHen i met him downstairs i thought he looked TOTALLY diferent from what i had pictured. He was MUCH smaller in weight and just as short. He had warned me about his height, so i was grateful for that. ABout 5'8... i wanted to laugh when he came to open my door, only for me to stand about same height as him. I hadnt dated a short man in a long time. This would take some getting used to.

Needless to say, by the time we got to the restaurant he said he didnt need to pee anymore. I wonder why...

We've been talking since then. With everything that i had been going through recetly, he had just been so suppportive, and encouraging. I thank God for everything.

Then came the questions "I would like to have a commited relationship with you"
Okay, my people... let me explain it like this... COMMITMENTS GIVE ME THE JITTERS! I don know what it is about commiting to one person that makes me so nervous, and anxious! I LOVE dating, so when i get caught up in a position where a man wants to take it further, i get so nervous! i mean... does this mean i have to stop seeing other men?! what if i dont like him anymore but dont want to break up with him because i'm emotionally attached to him?! What if he starts thinkingthat maybe he would like to get married and i'm still not ready?! What if he has STDs?! What if, what if, what iffffssssss!!!

"UM... Truth? are you still there?"
".. hhyeahh.. um... Deik, i;m going through some hard times right now... can we discuss this when i get these isues resolved?"

He gave me a three-day break and asked again. This time, he caught me in a bad mood.
"You know what! dont want a relationship right now! i dont! besides, when and if i'm ready for one, you'll know. i need time to think, let me call you back"

We didnt talk for two days. I thought he would never call. I was glad when he did.

We've been talking since. The sexual tension between us is almost unbearable. He has come to visit thrice. The last time, he grilled me some shrimps... and lord knows the one sure-fire way to my heart is through my stomach. lol.

Hes met Darque and they seme to get along. This is important to me because i dont think i can be with a man who doesnt like dogs. not at this point.
A week ago, he had to move three states away. He is a contract lecturer and will be gone for six months. Hes only been gone a week... but lord knows i miss him. Tonight, i'll be flying over to see him. He found a place where he is, but has no furnitures yet... he also has a room mate.

I have tried to ignore him a bit and i hate to depict myself as this helpless being but truth is, i think i want him to hold my hand. He inspires me to grow, to do things that i havent been able to do. I want to steal a hint of his drive...
oh, and i want a piece of his dick.

This is my prayer:
Lord, you know how psychotically attached i get to my partners when i get in relationships. If this man isnt right for me... let me not go over to his place because i dont need another mistake of a man in my life at this point.

Okay, as i promised myself, i will compare him to my 10 commandments rule!
1.Never Settle: oh lord, this is harder than i presumed. I dont think i'm settling... am i? people, is the fact that hes shorter than i would have preffered settling?

2.Only those who encourages your dreams: Amen!

3.No discrimination: N/A

4.Honor with truth: I have failed this woefully! Okay, so remember i met Deik online, well the next day i talked to him, we had a misunderstanding and we didnt talk for a while. I went back to that chatroom with a different name only for thesame Deik to start chatting with me. Curious to know what he would say to this new character of mine, i told him a different name. Unfortunately, he had another argument with that other character of mine... and they stopped talking (permanently). I never told him about this. A week later, thesame thing happpened. this time, i had a third name. I got sick of him and ended up deleting his numbers because i got the feeling he was doing that with every girl in that room. I've decideed to confront him about this, when i go to see him tonight.

5.Put thee first: amen to this! its been my motto for as long as i can remember.

6.Healthy men only: He isnt combative (though he likes to tease), he doesnt smoke neither does he drink. For the most part, he d\seems healthy but hes so dedicated to his career... thats not always a good thing.

7. Hes got his own business and is educated. Currently at the Masters level.

8.Pride: Being the tradiional man that he is, he tends to just swallow his pride in some cases... other times, he can be sort of proud. Hard to explain

9.Nothing but adoration: amen!

10.Love thyself: always!