I'm fresh out of nerves

You know... sometimes i try to keep the bitch in me down.

Try hard! Keep the muzzle on it ...Oh but some mofoz dont deserve that shit.

So last night i got my period. I really didnt feel like going to sleep but i know my master when it arrives. How dare i try to stay awake?
When i sleep, i feel no pain but anyhow i stay uP?! I wouldnt even dare.
Vomitting, Pacing, Excruciating pain like no other. I wouldnt even dare.

So i went to bed. At 3am.
8am my phone rings.
I didnt even have to check who it was. There is only one loser who wakes up so early on a Saturday morning to torment me.

I was angry.
No. Scratch that.
I WAS FURIOUS!

i was in pain, i was achy, i was tired, my head felt like a brick and this mouse looking bitch decides to place prank calls... i was fuckin angry!
Then he calls my home phone too.

And it was all i could do not to get a plane ticket to his city right away. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those exagerated ears of his, twist them 360(4) DEGREES, leave my paw prints on his cheeks while spitting in his eyes... pushing him to the ground, dragging him by his balls, kicking all and every single soul of harrassment out of his balls, and calling the cops to pick him up for hitting me.

I was furious.
I charged every atom of curses i could gather in my angry sleepy brain to the tip of my tongue and every anger transformed to will as i dialed his number.

But like i said.

Diek is a coward.

He never answered my call. Cell and Home.

But he didnt fail to call again 2 hours later.

I'm running out of patience. I dont know what to do. I still have the wives' address and lord knows if not for the fact that my car battery died last night (i need a boost), i would have so driven down there earlier when he called because i was so mad.

He wont stop. I know Pink gloves and a couple of others may suggest i have patience. But i know he wont stop. A sore loser never quits. He knows i have something in me. I am not ignoring him because i have nothing to say and he knows it. He knows. I am ignoring him because i dont want to be ugly about this. But he would rather get that emotion from me. Than what he is getting right now... "zero".

I have had a similar experience before. I'll share it sometime. its about kimani. If you think Diek is bad, kimani was worse. He'd push, and i'd shift. He'd push and i'd move just a little more. Till he cornered me. And i couldnt help but to fight back. Needless to say, he now knows i'm boss.

To Catch a Lying-Diek (1)

WARNING: My blogville people, please ensure you're seated because i cant be held responsible if you get syncopic from reading this story.

Okay, so i was happy to leave on Saturday night to go see my new boyfie... it was exciting! I'd be taking a 4.5hour flight. He got the ticket, cost 220bucks, and emailed the information to me so i was able to print it. I got to the airport late but thank goodness that my flight was delayed. I arrived in his city, and called him, he met me at the airport 10minutes after my arrival.

"HI!"
"You had me waiting too long. Please dont let that repeat itself."He held me... "I'm so sorry."
We went into his car, he drove there. For some reason, this trip seemed to be like a dejavu... i didnt understand why, but i do now. I didnt know then, but i had been there before. My blogville people, stay with me on this...

So, there i was with this man that is my new man. i needed something from him. I wasnt physically crazy about him, but i wanted to have sex with him (kind of hard not to seince we've talked about sex so often!) but most importantly, i wanted that "ish' factor... his drive, he truly is gifted, and iwanted a piece of that. Yeah, i said wanted... i guess by now, you've figured it out.

I went into his home, went into his room... there, as he had told me, was his furniture-less room. He had warned me that he didnt have but an airbed since he just moved there, he asked if i wanted him to purchase a bed before I got there and i had told him i didnt care. I didnt. I've slept with my b-fies on worse than airbeds. As materialistic as i am, i can also be so... sayy... thrifty(?)... i have suffered with men, and so have i enjoyed with them.

Anyway, so we slept...NOT! We kissed, and kissed, and kissssed...made out lots, decided he wanted to do the do so he had asked if i had brought condoms (i'd said i would buy some), i told him i hadnt and he didnt try hard enough to hide his disappointment. He wanted to do the do without it. That raised all the flags in my cerebellum as i whimpered the little words i had left in me:
"What? you would have sex just like that? you would have sex with me without a condom?" He looked confused.
"What if i had something? i mean,... what if you do? i mean... dont you love yourself?"
"No, i was only kidding, I wasnt going to ..."By this time, i had gotten scared shitless. I had made the wrong turn. I wanted the city to spit me right back into my rightful home. I knew something was up. My people, please know this:


IF ANYONE IS WILLING TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU THOUGH THEY HARDLY KNOW YOU, PLEASE, MAKE LIKE THERES A FIRE ON YOUR TAIL AND RUN, RUN, RUN...


My heart was hurt and my sense of security with this man, destroyed. I was with the wrongest person, in his bed, in his home, in his city, in his state... i wanted so bad, to be wrong. But i wasnt. Then he asked if i would go down on him! My people, some people LOve giving oral, i LOve receiving them. My oral cavity is quite petite, i dont do well with oral so accordingly, i said no. He asked if he could go down on me and i said "NO!" ,... at this point, i was scared to do anything sexual with him. So he started to play with himself and lord knows, that turns me MIGHTY on, so i siad, "Do you mind if i watch?"
"Watch? No, i dont mind" And watch i did.
"Well, i'll do you one better, i'll play with myself too"
This is a major turn on for me. Its hot to play with yourselves, watching each other. So, anyway, i decided to feel him... and feel i did.
I couldnt believe it. This man had bragged about his size, hence the name "Diek"! I remember him saying "My dick this, my dick that, my dick this and a whole bunch of that..." So i had asked him back then (since it seemed like he wanted me to ask so bad) "Diek, how big is your dick?"
"oh, its big. 8 inches"My brows spelt a big M as i asked... "EIGHT?"
"Yes, eight" He responded proudly
"Isnt that the regular size?"He looked puzzled "No! thats quite big!"Okay, its either i'd been lucky with most of my men, or this man is in some sad denial...
Okay, fast forward... yeah, him and i in the inflated bed, my fingers on my vaginity, other hand on his ... well, his.. snake. yes, snake. snake! You know one of those baby snakes??? I mean one of those BIC-pen looking ones... i didnt know if to stroke it up and down or to detach it to write a letter with!

I have decided, lord better give me a small fat dick instead of a long skinny one anyday because if i end up with a skinny one, i'll be bitter. Yes, that is my new petpeeve,: skinny pencil-like dicks!


The next day he claimed he wanted to go to church. He asked if i wanted to come but he didndt really ask...
"You want to come? but you dfont have to come if you dont want to."There are many times God wants me to go to church, but that wasnt one of the times. I was meant to stay home, besides, Diek obviously didnt really want me to come.

I stayed. He called me shortly after to ask for the directions to the church, he couldnt find the church. He ended up not finding it and decided he would com eback home. -

I went on his laptop after he left. I wanted to blog but i was scared. What if he traced my blog? My annonimyty is REALLY important to me. How do you speak Truth, if you know people are watching?

I went online, and then decided to check if he has some pictures on his PC. I saw one named "Pic"...
Ohhhh! This looks cool, what do we have here? Annnnddd! CLICK!
Who is this? shes cute... whats with her? she seems to have lots of pictures on here...must be an ex? maybe? Might be the one he said he was with 8 months ago...
He said the last time he had sex was 8months ago. He told me that in October. He also told me that on saturday. My blogville people, stay with me on this one...

So i decided to check if he was other albums...
ohhhh... this one is named... named... n-n-nn-nnnna-me-ddd...

My mind-jaw dropped. I needed a hand to hold me from falling, though i was seated, i was collapsing from shock.

"MY SON"
Two words, 7 letters, one space, and a big ol lie, found.

My mind trailed back to the first time we spoke... His words sounded like the soundtracks of my discovery moment as i recalled...
"Do you have any kids?" I had asked first.
"No." Two words, not stiffled, not screamed, not forced. Two simply spoken words.
"Do you have any children?" He asked. I laughed. I always find it funny when people ask me that. That question always reminds me that i am speaking with a stranger, someone who hasnt gotten to learn that i am anti-children-of-my-own.
"no, i dont have any. But i have dated men with kids. I dont mind men with kids." I always make sure to add that because its true. I dont.

So then, if that had been the trail of our convo, what was this file that i was about to ...CLICK!
And there it was, loads of pictures, same girl,only about 100pounds heavier... Same man, only looking about a lot more proud, and another soul... some innocent looking baby who resembled him, unfortunately for that poor boy. A beautiful mother, a father like him, yet he had to look like his father. The resemblance was outrageous.

At this point, i got into my proactive mode. I sent those pics to my email and friends, along with pics of his girl, i check further more and found TONS of information on his laptop:
Hotmail conversations with me, my double IDs, and tons of other females,... his wife (yes, wife)'s phone number, address, his mother and familiy's contact information, his social identification code, his business information (for his business account), his incometax information, his everything!
It wasnt until after i was done that i realised, he still had not returned! He had called me like an hour and a half ago to tell me he would be back in 15minutes! But snoopery wouldnt let me call him to hurry him up. I needed time, so i didnt bother calling him. By the time he had returned, i was done with all the transfers. I had enough information to send him to Lucifer's anus.

When he returned, he seemed so upset that he didnt find the church. Hypocritical son of a goose! How dare he even dare to step foot in a church? But,...i tried to keep my cool. I have to be smart, i have to get a return ticket home. We flirted, kised, i scolded him for being late since i had to make it look real. He asked if i wanted to go to a hotel for the night to be comfortable because all he had was an airbed. This is thesame man that had tried to convince me not to stay in ahotel before. I think he just wanted to have a place to go all wild. He was so sure he was getting some nookie. Oh well, we can all dream. He asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and i agreed, he claimed we would have to take the bus since he had already returned his rental car.
"Oh! I see... well, then have fun eating out!"
"What? you're not coming?"
"Not without a car. I didnt come to another man's state only to have to haul around in a bus, if you didnt have a ride for me, you should have told me. I would have stayed in my home!" "Seriously?" He looked usprised.
"Um, yeah! So, im staying right here and if starvation is my fate in this spoit taht i'm staying at, then so be it!""i was just trying to test you. The car is outside, lets go"
I was furous. Never test fire, it just might burn you.

"Diek!"
"Yes?"
"Do i look like one of your little persona-falsifying females that you usually come in contact with?"
"What do you mean? I was only joking nowww"
"No seriously! Joke with kids! I dont deal in children! If you want a female you can test, either get yourself a litmus paper, or get yourself one of your regulars!"
I was angry. But i think at that moment, i was being vulnerable. I was too easy to read. I needed to compose myself better. I told myself "STOP IT WOMAN!" ... and...

We went out to eat and flirted. He was my man, and i was his woman.

When we were going back, i appologised for not having the condoms that i had planned to bring him. I also appologised for not bringing the sex toy i had planned to buy him. The only reason i didnt but these things was because i had no time and besides, i had too many stuff in my bag. So i asked him../
"Lets go to a sex store and pick those stuff up."
But he didnt want to...
"no, i dont need them now"
I see, so not only are you a liar, you are also cheap. I know his type. He thinks i wanted him to pay for those sex items, truth is, i didnt. I was going to pay for them, but i let his foolish brains fool him.But it hought to ask
"Why dont you want it now? i mean, you were so excited to have it before"He didnt really give me an answer. Anyway... i already knew he was a snake, ... time for the kill.

When we got to his house, he asked again if i wanted a hotel and my people, i wpuld have agreed. BUT! I knew i could go to the hotel with him but i couldnt sex him. If i dont sex him, he might want to leave me at the hotel. I had to be smart about this. At his home, he cant forcefully push me out. Truth is, i can physically handle him. If i wanted to hold him down and make him beg for his dear life, i could have. But i wanted to be graceful, like the swan i can sometimes pretend to be lol.



"No, lets stay here." So we stayed.

Just then, i got a text from Nat
"Dont tell him, and whatever you do, dont act like anything is wrong, just go with the flow till you get your return ticket."
But by then, i was just so angry! Going with the flow would mean he would succeed at this! I couldnt do it! I wasnt about to keep beating myself up inside for someone else's sins! I called him to my side:
"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"
"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"


>>>TO BE CONTINUED<<<

Near End

I feel
like i am near end and its chilly out here
like
my winter is coming and i am not ready
i feel like i am
......
i am scared.
of what is to come.
and i want to stop it.
but i couldnt help that one time.
so i cried.

i am. getting there.
and i dont want to be.

Flicks to rain

Squeeeeze me! Hold me tighter, lets see if we can ever become...
...1...
Because if it is ever possible
this would be the moment
paparazzi bout to miss it
but record's to be broken
we are about to be


.....1.....

Lick me flick your tongue faster than flappers tail
flick me rhythmically fastly so much
it only feels like a magnetic
...touch...
hold ma clit to its threats and shake it
flick me like your tongues running a marathon
up down and around dont you ever stop
do it like i've always dreamt...
.....of....

But i want to come and you want me to
but i want you to come with me too
i look down and all i see is your head doin me
bowed down to bless ma clit you are testing me
but i cant wait if you keep flipping me
and i cant wait for you to move away
yet i dont want to wet your face
but you keep goin like you asking for it
i can always say i'm sorry,
later,
a-f-t-e-r- i have rained
all-
over-
your-
f-f-f-f-f-f-fffffffffaceeeeee.

DAMMIT! I WET DE DAMN BED AGIN!!!

now how we gon get rid'a dis damn pussyjuicestain?
oh shit! sorry i wet your face... quit laughing, its not funny!
okay, come here...i'll wipe that smile off your face in a minute...

In their shoes

how fucked up is it? that the one that dont want me, is the one i want?
lol
yeah, laugh with me cause this is a trip! i swear i'm nuts!
yeah, the bitch that seemed to open ma shit up, and fucked me up till the pain got worse than death its damn self, is the same man i want...
but i'd be lying to maself
if i was to say that i want him for me.

no,
truth is,
i want him, for my pride.
i want him, to prove to me that i can have him.

and how fucked up is that?
and here i was thinking i knew what i had in me.
that i knew that i can have him.
no i dont want him.
i wanted him, so i could leave him.
so he could feel...
no,
so he could "almost feel"
what it was like
to hurt.

yeah, i guess its true.
i want him, to hurt him.

But have i not been a predator?
to Mike, John, to Yves, Solomon, to Paul, Peter
to Ayo, Ben, to Tyrone, and the man with dreads...
to many nameless ones
have they never wished me pain?
have i never broken some hearts?

so why would i wish him pain?

i got what i was meant to have.
i got an experience.
a chance to be in their shoes.

Today,

i managed to break a promise i'd made to myself.
i managed to miss a test.
5% gone down the drain.

what else did i do today?
oh!
I'm crossing Mr. Etienne out.
I cant be with him.
It isnt fair to keep him around.
So i wont.

I dont think he understands, i told him he needs someone that likes him better, but he didnt seem to understand. Blinded by infatuation and (dare i say?) desperation, this man refuses to see himself as the king he is. He refuses to be reminded that he deserves unwaivering love...
a type i cant give him.
But just because he is blind, doesnt mean i have to lead him to the river to drown. I will let him go. as hard as it is for me, i will.

And on to other businesses,...

learn to be a friend

I have to learn to be a friend.
No, i dont mean it that way.
i mean, i actually really have to learn how to be a friend.
how to be;
selfless!!!

Damn, of all the characters in the world to get stuck with,
WHY MUST I BE THE TYPE TO BE STUCK WITH A SELFISH PERSONALITY?!?

oh, and i think i have to learn to drop my pride.
i have to learn to hug more,
and to shut up when people are down.
***worst time to give advises is when its too late***
and i have to learn to learn.

REMINDER TO SELF:
1.you are not better than people. Everryone has their welanesses and strengths so why must you point their weakenesses out? Are you any better?
2. cant blame anyone for anything. you do not know their expereinces, you do not know what it is like to be them.
3.walking in someone's shoes is a theory. it is practically impossible. learn to be as empathetic as possible.
4. appologise (fuk! it aint dat hard!)
5.love. and let them know.

my stupoid laptop

has resigned. The darn thing just up'd and quit on me, leaving me no choice but to minimize my visits to blogville. I miss it here though. Theres so much i want to talk about...

coming soon: my 10 commandments

Somebody, please shoot me!

If ever,
my brain gets infected
i get some sort of dementia
i smoke and fall deep in to lala land
i get drunk and refuse to see
Please shoot me so i'd hop right out of ma dreams.
This moment should never be forgotten
if i could bottle these feelings
they'd rot through the glass
and stain this world
regardless how evil it already is...
I should never forget how i feel
at this very moment; now.
i hope to never feel it ever again.
Who's got a gun?!
Whoever said love was sweet,
must have never experienced this.

What is meant to be...

Sometimes, things seem so simple
yet you go out, over and beyond
just so they wouldnt be.
because complication is interesting.
and simple, simply isnt.
Sometimes you know what is right
but act out the wrong
because addiction is a powerful thing
and alcohol isnt the only addictive drug.
Sometimes i wonder if i'm meant to live this life.
Easy. Straight. Simple life.
Because as it all unfolds,
like a beautiful orchestra in a theatre.
I choke the opera singer
because he sounds way too perfect.
So maybe perfect isnt me.
Maybe i want something else.
Sometimes
i wonder if i truly am meant to be.
Happy as this...
or maybe life is to remain as such.
This tumbling roller coaster.

reminder to you

i said my piece and moved on
then he came
and then her
and i dont know but to aid
so aid i did
and....
yet...
nothing
okay you know i'm not upset,
but i am loosing patience
i can stand being overlooked
but only for so long...
now,
get to it before i really get mad.

Thank God for memories

You know, i hate this
sometimes i just hate memories
Who decides what you remember?
Who decides what gets lost
tanbgled up in nature's complicated webbs
who, really?
...decides that tonight, i wont remember that he was such a bitch
that he reeked of nasties
that he was dumber than a doorknob
that he was dryer than wheat crackers
and even more importantly,
that he was just a plain ass hole?
he was not mine to keep.
he was not for me.
...
but then Neyo sings in that Milky masculine caresing voice of his
"I just wonder..."
Baby,
do you ever think of me
anymore...
"do you?"

i miss having you
i miss the better days...
i get silly moments when i wonder what i'd be like
if you were still here
do you?

(but then i remember...
thank God for memories
you're an asshole
and God knows i dont need two of those)

Till, be delayed.

And I am not angry

And I am not bitter

And I am not sorry.

Holding bno regrets.

I am glad for then.

Glad, for then.

For I was in a fairy tle.

It ended. But I was there.

And now I know

With all certainties…

There isn’t such thing as happily ever after

There only exists, “happily ever till”

Hoping that “till”, never comes for you.

Hoping your “till” is delayed enough

To see the beauty in yours.

As I did mine…

Farewell, consillium!

Loving; this moment, here.

alone in a shed, with ma breaths ...can hear ma own beats

shower-fresh long ebonic legs strethched far above piles

yes piles.

piles piles and piles of money spent...

i once thought these were worth the price.

now i laugh as their time passes. Envogue- was vogue.

almost time to re-furnish.

closet empty with hangers waiting.

boxes packed full of what makes me me...

soon they'll be all gone...

they'll be all gone...

it'll be all gone.

loving this moment here.

knowing its only but a lil while then i gotta go.

4,3,2,1, GO!

loving this moment here, sniffin the memories in,

knowing how much i'll miss this space.

i was here, he was here, she was here.

we were here.

dinner nights, party nights, crying nights, trying nights...

nights when 3 made a wheel

and 2 made a brawl

nights when we tested faith

nights when faith almost did us in...

nights i couldnt get up,

nights i couldnt stay up...

i remember the night i almost lost it.

and the nights words became bytes...

little links and codes masked angers and frustrations

but masks are masks

they still existed.

i will miss the nights

where ur memories linger...

you were there because you were meant to be.

i am not angry at you, nor me.

i have learnt to take it as it is.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever miss what we were.

But do thank God for what we were.

far more though,

i will miss the love.

the first place i ever loved.

i dreamt you up before you came.

Consillium. I will miss my home.

On the highway

so halfway there, i had to stop.
i just couldnt see the damn screen- stopped for my safety.
am i going crazy?
you're driving me insane.
i looked out the window. counted; one, two, three-four, five... 5!
five cars went by and still, here i am....
watched eyes stare through five of those,
eyes wondering what it was i was doing there
yet none stopping to ask if i needed help.
help, i need.
help i desperately need.
iam at a crossroad
and cannot for the life of me, figureout what to do.
i cant help it.
being a "big girl" only lasts so long
i must disagree with you Gwen
apparently, big girls DO cry.

what am i going to do?
and how am i possibly going to make it?
its so much easier to step back, turn around and hold faith.
but i've held faith.
held it so tight sometimes my fingers lose blood supply.
gripped it so hard, faith bent!
i dont know if i can have faith.
because faith itself, is so sick of being toyed with.

i need someone to hold my hand.
China baby, where forth art thou?

L for ________?

i been wondering...
what makes a lesbian?
seriously.
i mean... sure i've had lesbian encounters.
its so much more common now, i'm sure a lot of females have.
but does that make me a lesbian?
or i dont know; bi?

a few months ago, i had a female friend who i knew was bisexual.
she came over to visit and she tried coming on to me,
but we eventually didnt do anything.
to be honest with you, i resisted her not because she was a girl,
but because of her other characters.

i mean; what makes a lesbian?
years and years ago, while i was trying to figure out what sexuality itself meant,
i had sexual encounters with some females.
They were about my age at the time, and we were young.
does that make us lesbians?

looking even farther into my memory
i remember being molested as a child.
i didnt think anything of it at the time,
but i knew it was disgusting not because we were both females,
but because i was too young to enjoy sex at the time.
the lady, was in her teens.
does that make her a lesbian?
did it make me one?

does checking other females out make me bisexual?

what makes a Lesbian?

My shortest fling

i dont know what to name you
so you shall remain the nameless one.

met you in the elevator a while ago
you came in,
smiled.
i looked up,
smiled.
and like you didnt matter,
i returned to my text world.
when you spoke to me.
you spoke.
i mean... boy did you ever speak!

pulling me right out of that trance...
you spoke me out of it
gave me a short time away
from away...


tall, big grin animated your face.
you are beautiful.
so so beautiful.

strange.
i hardly noticed your lack of melanin.

yet i felt it.
you should be mine...
for a little while
as we elevated through those floors
for some silly reason
i had the pleasure of being with you.
you were mine.
and you cherished my love,
and gave us your all.
and cared for me.
supported me.
bubble baths, candles lit... dinner on me...

you wanted the best for me.

you are my shortest fling.

so it makes me so sad
to hear you say today
that you'd be moving away.
you've found another place.

"congratulations"
and you replied...
"yeah, we bought a house."
i wanted to ask...
who did you buy it with?

Hold my hand.

whos got a plank?
how much do woods cost?
how far must i cross?

and amidst this,
misty wells erode these hills
as curtains plays the veils

like a stage play
masks fits snuggly
frightened faces
unsure of making history

relentless beauty
restless wheels
not staying here nor there
afraid of weakened soul

your beauty remians untarnished
but somehow, you must grow

"girl, you dont even know how to morn"

walk with me
talk with me
share with me
i need ur reassurance
as you need mine

lets make a bridge
with heavy strong woods
a bridge that can take the weight
the aches
the pain
the love the cheers
let me be it
so i can hold your hands
and you mine
as we cross these heavy times
and hope for brighter days

Experience, teach me!

If a mistake is being made,
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.

I'm moving in with TBS.

and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.

i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.

Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!

Blinded, Wounded, Free, Home.

Slowly, you are unaddicting yourself, breaking free from those chains, loosening its grips… contemplating walking away.

Remember; snails don’t win races. But they make it. And this race aint about who got there when, but simply about who got there.

Hurt, but free…

Wounded as a jail bed with its clipped wings, yet… you

You walk away. Free

Like that pet who stepped in the trap

Yes, you do remember

Blinded wounded bleeding dog… walked home at last

Baby you have been so lost.

And times when you saw the glittery smokes of home, thought you were so close to home, thought you have finally… at last broken free

But what is meant to be, will be

And what wasn’t didn’t.

It never did happen.

So those times when you were so glad thought finally, you had managed to get away.

You walked right back baby girl because a habit is a habit and at times, a habit becomes your home because home becomes hard to live in. it’s hard getting reused to things…

I know.

I’m welcoming you home.

So please remember that the failures weren’t failures. Your returns weren’t returns but merely journeys through the process of unaddiction.

To "un-addict", you must reddict.

Rebounds aren’t sweet, but they are necessary.

And loses aren’t lost because without them, you’d still be stuck.

Love, put your hand down. That’s it; beneath you… you feel the rock?

Yes it might hurt but you must feel it!

And the tears will come, drown as much as you need.

And when you are ready, you may rise out of that sea.

Baptism isn’t only for the righteous. But also for the healing.

Unaddicted, so you’d be born anew.

So pick up your gloves and brush up your pens because it aint gon be easy though the worst is history

You sure have made it

Look ahead- forward to better days, catching up on what you’ve lost and remembering that the lost times aren’t lost times, because Regardless if it meant failing, falling and flawing all the way through. Truth is, you did what you had to do to get here.

Whatever had to be, had to be.

Celebrate today.

I raise my glass. Half full! And make a toast.

Truthfully

“To MY better days!”