Hate, Regrets, Anger, all of a fucken sudden!

I spoke with Ambition a few minutes ago.
shes been calling me, trying to get a hold of me.
Maybe if i'd be checking my voicemails i would've heard the news.
But i never do, so i didnt.

Its true i cant stand Dada.
He was my best friend for my first 10 years.
And then life happened and the wools were pulled so that i could see the light.
I no longer was a fool.
I saw Dada, for Dada.
and what i learnt of Dada and what i have continued to learn since then, had made me decide that he deserved no respectful spot in my life.

But how little this seems to matter,
once you realise you could lose someone, for life.

Dada, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. no word of what stage it is, yet.

the thought of losing the one person who is responsible for my cardinal characters, my cardinal beauties... makes me sad.
at 62, i cant imagine what life would be like, if i didnt share it with him.

and even at this moment, it is so hard to pick up the phone to call.
to love him wholeheartedly, would be to forgive him.
and forgiveness, that i wasnt prepared to do.
and now i feel like i have to.
all of a sudden
the most health-centric Afro man i know
all of sudden
the only man that seems to fuck me up so damn well
all of a sudden
the one voice that use to move mountains and clouds all at a whisper
all of a sudden
all of a fucken sudden
all of a mother fucken sudden!

Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday

I started off my day weird!
i woke up late around 1pm, Nat had called and she was warning me about my lateness
"If you dont start the turkey early, you know it wont be ready by the time they get there, right?"
And do you think i listened?
So i went downstairs in the basement to get the car so i can go across the street to the mall to shop for the stuff i need to stuff the turkey
i figured i'd drive even though the store is just across the street, just in case i ended up purchasing more than i anticipated. I hate dragging so much stuff home across the street. I'd rather drive.
I went to the basement to the parking lot only to find my car missing.
Chineke mo!
i tell you; all i could think of was that my car had been repo'd because i havent paid my car loan dues for last month! I was almost crying when i remembered that i had parked the car in front of my building last night.
i blew out one long breath of thanks to God in the form of Co2 as i went back into the elevator to go to the ground floor. Yes, my poor old car was there. Thank God!
So i got into the car, back up so i could get out of the parking spot and heard a funny "bang!"
Jesu!
i looked out to see i had hit the red van behind me.
My heart nearly jumped out my nose as i litterally picked up a piece of paper and wrote
"I just hit your car. Please call me at (564) 673-8564" It took me at least 30 seconds to write that-my hand was shaking so much. I didnt even think, all i could imagine was a big dent in the back of my poor car and an even bigger dent in the front of the red van.
I went to stick the note on the red van and decided to take a look at the damages-
zero, zit, nada, ofo, nothing at fucking all!
not a dent, not a scratch, nothing!
I just jejely returned to my car and CAREFULLY got out of the parking spot, to the mall.
So! i got to the mall, decided to get my wallet and realised i had left it at home. So instead of driving back and forth, i just walked back home to pick up my wallet and walked back to the mall to shop.
I shopped and got back home before realising that i had LEFT the car at the mall!
I wont kill myself, i tell you. If my head wasnt attached to my neck, i know i'd forget it somewhere. I mean, who forgets their car at the mall?!?

So that was a great start for my thanksgiving day!
Forget that the turkey wasnt cooked by the time the guests arrived at 7pm because i had only started baking it at 4:45pm
Forget that no one including myself ate the turkey slices in their dinner plates because it tasted like rubber ( as per it wasnt cooked lol)
Forget that i had to pop the half backed thing back into the oven for a second bake
It was my first time hosting my family thanksgiving dinner,
And my first time doing an almost great job of it

For most of them, it was their first time seeing my new place and they all loved it!
Reminded me why i had chosen to live here...
We danced, we ate, we laughed
I made shrimp ceaser salad which Fierce's husband litterally made "baa" noices to (like a goat) because he claimed i was making him animal food...
I made the turkey with wild rice,celery, bead and onion stuffing and honey-orange glaze
Fierce made garlic-herbed spagetti, banana bread and chocolate cake with toffee-nut topping
Mom made beancake (moimoi) and jollof rice
Ambition made shrimp fried rice

10 people in here (myself included). We had enough food to last us through Katrina


By 8pm we were mostly all so tired
The eveining ended at 10:45pm after we had danced ourselves to exhaustion

I went to sleep at 1am only to have a dream about Kimani (tufiakwa), TBS (WTF!) and some (imaginary?) boyfriend of mine. I tell you, dreams are so silly!

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank God for my life, for my family, for my friends and for my love of self.

Speechless

I seldom get like this...
My voice fails me... my tongue literally locks itself to the base of my jaw and i just lose all function in my voice box.
I am literally speechless.
No word, no "Ah", no "Be" no "Ce" no "De"
This opinionated chixta is suddenly not just short but out of words.
I have regressed way past ma days of "mama" or "baba"...
I cant even babble... stutering is way beyond me now...
I am literally in shock. I watch like a newborn at how things have miraculously taken amoeba-like shapes to further perplex this me... lord have mercy! If my jaw dropped any lower, I'd be scraping it up from the fiery grounds of hell.
And i cant help but watch because what can a girl do? Like Miss Frank said: "whats done cannot be undone. we can only prevent it from happening again."
And i want to undo the thoughts that made him
and "made" because he was made.
As artificial as my Coach purse, As pretencious as can be
Made into a fit that he claimed to be


I dont know what to say and even if i did, which i suspect that i do, I dont want to say it.
It feels odd being dumb but i guess i'm that numb.
Okay so Truth, babygurl lets recite our redefined values:



I'll never allow myself to lose control
I'll never allow myself to fall like that
I'll never tell myself another lie
I'll never let go of myself
I'll never let the best of me, sleep.
And if i ever dream again,
I'll never forget that the only person who deserves to be in my dreams, is Truth Betold.

Sometimes, you need the craze to get the glue!

I havent seen my family bond so well as they have these past couple of days.
We've spent these past days together. We've come together, to support one another.
Theres been times when i wondered if it would have made a difference if it wasnt Ambition in that hospital bed.
Would it be any different if it was I, for example?
Ambition is well loved. She is blessed with the priviledge of chairing our parent's heart.
And it would have made it easy to envy her if it wasnt her.
But she makes it so hard. So hard to hate her.
I cant.

Ever heard of a coworker that gets awarded for everything- being on time, being conscientous, being the best worker, THEN you meet her only for her to be the nicest person ever?

Ambition is too easy to love.
So although it was hard being her sibling when i was little, i couldnt hate her.
because she loved me, and everyone else so perfectly. She was simple. She was an easy person.


shes getting better and i'm so glad.
Thanks to everyone thats expressed their best wishes, hope you never get to experience this.
Rumour says she might be discharged tomorrow.

I'll conclude with a joke that happened yesterday.
Its funny now but when it happened, it was quite embarrassing.

Okay so picture Ambition, my nephew and neice, my other sister (Fierce), my brother, and a third sister (Aqua) sitting in the living room, talking, laughing, and chilling when my brother in law (Bode) picked up my cell phone from the coffee table.
Hes a jester so i knew he was teasing when he said
"your phone is so cheap, it doesnt even have a camera feature, does it?"
"it does, its a camera phone!"
"oh, so you have pics in it?"
"yeah, check the gallery and then check the images in there for pics"

and so he did.
Now, i know that i have a secret that only I and Fierce knows of in my family.
I take nude pics.
I love nudity and I've often wondered if it'd make a difference if i didnt think i had a nice body. I dont think it would.
Fierce use to beat me for it when i was young. She'd scold me to tears and lecture me for hours and she'd make me rip the nude pics i'd taken- but that was when i was younger. Now i'm older, an adult. She'd lost the right to scold me. She'd lost that fight, bless her soul!
But anyway, Fierce didnt say anything, and neither did i.
i was so sure i didnt have any nude pics in my cam.
I was wrong.

I had China take a nude pic of me a lil while ago- its a pic of me in a fetal position,facing downward, naked but a thong...
yeah, Bode saw it
and flipped it around to show me what he saw, but because i was sitting far from him, everyone saw it.
I tell you, i would've turned purple if i could have, but my wealth of melanin deprived me of such.
Yeah, it was so embarrasing.
My mom was like
" oh my goodness!" "what are you? a stripper, now?!!!"
"sure mom! would you like to watch me strip one of these days?"
needless to say, she didnt reply... My mom is pretty reserved and she'd rather not say much in these sort of instances.
the poor woman was short of words. I dont think i can suprise her anymore.
lol

Anyway, so that was that!

Loved Ambition

Its sad really,
i've been here, struggling with my own issues,
running around in little circles, upset about me
being the self-absorbed bitch that i am
Truth is, theres much more to life than my troubles
or what i perceive them to be anyway

Ambition called me and i didnt answer my phone but i called her back shortly after. I was shocked to hear my mom's voice say "hello?"
The first thing that came to mind was
oh shit, Ambition is dead
i dont know why, but mom never answers Ambition (or anyone's) phone!
"Ambition is in the hospital"
I thought "wharahell!"
well, i was at least thankful to God that shes alive.
I wasnt all that suprised that shes in the hospital.
I guess you can kind of say that I saw it coming.
I didnt ask what for...
I know why shes there...
same reason why i would have been there a year ago.
Thank God she is alive.




Ambition



The woman is a gem to me. I really do owe her a lot.
so much.
I admire her. I say this not because she is my sister, but because I've been blessed to have a sister like her.
i owe her my drives.
Although there are many times when her goodheart's been stabbed for being naive
And those times I bitched at her for being so
i really do admire her strength and ability to trust so much.
She loves people, deeply.
But she runs low
on that which she gives much of.

so instead of giving to herself
that which she lacks,
she hopes to buy
but love aint for sale
not here, not there, not anywhere
so searches she does
and pays she pays
with memories, with bills, status and dreams

"Ambition, love aint for sale baby"

love is pure, generous, carefree, love isnt candy but it is sweet.
best of all, love is free.

so i'm going over to visit my sister who gave me my strength and ambition
the one who bestowed the love for my future on me,
the one who shares my path, taking my hand in times when i'm lost
the one who tends to forgive even when she appears naive


and i pray God gives me the strength and generousity
to help her refil her cup
so that she knows she is loved

I pray that he fills me up
and moves my lips
so that i may utter the right words
to let her know
just how much she strenghtens me
and just how beautiful she is
and just how much
she deserves so much more.
I pray that he unveils her, so that she may see her beauty as i do.

I want to let her know
that it is okay to be lost
for that is the time to find a new path
that it is okay to make mistakes
for those mistakes teach you the best lessons
that it is okay to be down
for you see the sky much clearer
that it is okay to drop
the harder you fall, the better you remember
that life aint about the bills
it aint about the letters
it aint about the status
life is about happiness
life is about contentment
life is about loving yourself and being at peace.


I pray God grants her perfected sanity.
get well soon, baby.

My poor eyes

I'm exhausted. My lower eyelids look so edemetous, they look like they're infected. I cried all night and remembered my dreams. Thats odd, i never remember my dreams. I dremt about Chisel- something about him texting me, asking me to forgive him, that hes been with 33 women and none of them had stayed because of his lifestyle. Dreams are funny, so silly...
I also dreamt about Ambition and Fierce (my eldest sister). In my dream, Ambition and I lived together and Fierce came over for a visit. The visit seemed casual but i knew it wasnt. Ambition had been messing her life up again and Fierce had come to talk to her. So much is going on with Ambition, i dont even know where to start.

What God has joined together...

Ambition is getting married next year
hmm!
now, she made NO mention of an engagement, a ring, anything!
but she says shes getting married next summer.
I dont know if i should ask her if she got a ring and how he proposed, because i'm afraid of the answer i might get.
I'd hae to hear her say he didnt give her a ring.
And i hate to sound so shallow,
but i want the best for Ambition.
She deserves so much more.
but is always settling for the very least.

Reflex Action 2

I had been so busy that I hadn’t followed up with Tope (Ambition's ex) as planned

But yesterday, I was so bored, dead tired of doing absolutely nothing, that…

Well, I called Tope- Ambition’s ex boyfriend who owed her a lot of money.

But instead I didn’t call Tope’s cell.

I called Tope’s house, knowing that his mother would answer my call.

A sleepy groggy curious feminine voice answered

“hello?”

“hi, is this Mrs. *******?”

“yes, please who is this?”

“its Truth BeTold. Ambition’s sister”

“Truth?” she repeated, confused.

“yes, Truth! I just wanted to speak with you about your son, Tope. Tope owes Ambition a lot of money, and he hasn’t paid it back” I raised my voice higher, this matter demanded that my voice’s decibel be increased “I think you need to have a word with your son, because owing someone money is one thing, but calling the person and leaving them a message, telling them never to call you to ask for your money is yet another, and I personally think that is extremely ridiculous. Mrs *****, I suggest you have a good word with your son because he definitely needs to pay my sister back her money!”

“okay, but I didn’t even know about this…”

“and I honestly think that is really silly! I blame Ambition for this. Because I cant imagine me not informing the parent of an apparently boastful boy, when he owes me money. Ambition is quite silly. If she was any smarter, she would’ve informed you much sooner. I think it is important that you’re informed about this situation.”

“But its 4 am in the morning here, and I understand that you are upset, but you have to understand that I didn’t know about this situation and for you to call me, waking me up so early in the morning…”

I interrupted “Exactly ma’am! And that was the intention. DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF YOU IF I HAD CALLED IN THE DAY TIME? Mrs ****, Ambition might be my sister, but I aint as silly as she might seem to be. I am not going to call in the daytime because all I’m going to get is your kids, telling me that you aren’t home, or leaving stupid warning messages for my sister. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT I WONT BE STANDING FOR! This needs to come to an end and I think to end this, it MUST be blown out of proportion and Blowing it out of proportion is what I’m here for. Nice to meet you Mrs. *******, but my sister MUST GET PAID HER MONEY!”

“How much does he owe her?”

“at least $1500!” I cringed. The thought of it just pissed me off even more! “Isnt that nuts? How can your son owe someone such amount of money and then call the person, telling them never to call hima gain just because they cant their money back?!”

“what did he borrow it for?”

“He said he needed to pay off ANOTHER debtor and my sister being the kind but naïve girl she is, gave him the money!”

“When did he borrow the money?”

“I don’t know but I know he was suppose to pay It back about 8 months ago!”

“okay, but I’d .like to know- how did you even come into the picture? How did you come to know of this?”

I wanted to laugh! I was so angry! Was this woman indirecting asking me “how is this your biz-wax?"

I told her:

“How I know about this? I know because I HAVE READ THE EMAILS HE SENT TO HER AND I’VE ALSO HEARD THE MESSAGE HE LEFT HER! “

This is true. What Ambition didn’t know was before she told me, I’d known about his. I know a lot of things that shes done. I once hacked (don’t ask how) into her email box and got all the information. I’ve since kept Tope’s email addresses and phone number which I obtained from the email, for a day like this, when I decide to take matters into my own hands. Icontinued …

"I know! And I really wasn’t going to do anything about this but it looks like he wont be owning up to his responsibility without a jump start, so you have a word with your son and jump start him into giving my sister her money!”

“Okay, well I don’t even know anything about this and I think you should at least respect me. I am a woman of God and I don’t like dealing with issues this way”

“Its perfect that you are a man of God, so please tell your son that if he wants his prayers answered and he wants to get anywhere in life, he needs to pay my sister her money. Because I’m sure God doesn’t reward people taking advantage of kind-hearted blessed angelic souls. My sister is one of the extremely few people on this earth who should be awarded for their kindness, and I think your son is one of the reasons why we don’t have more people like her. I have told her NUMEROUS TIMES THAT BEING NICE DOESN’T GET YOU ANYWHERE! TO GET ACTIONS, YOU MUST BE ASSERTIVE AND CURT! IF SHE’D NEVER LENT HIM THE MONEY, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. SHES TOO NICE AND THIS IS WHAT SHE GETS FOR IT! I’M NOT GOING TO BE NICE! NEITHER DO I THINK I SHOULD GIVE RESPECT WHEN MY SISTER IS BEING WRONGED! I’M LEARNING FROM HER MISTAKES! TALK TO YOUR SON! ”

“okay, good night”

“bye”.

That was our conversation. I’ll wait for the son of a woman to call my sister again.

I called Ambiton and told her- she was amused. She seemed hopeful that this will sure help her to get the money because he wont want his mom troubled. But I reminded her that just because you troubled someone, doesn’t mean they’ll pay you back the money. I told her- I wasn’t trying to help her get her money back, I was trying to help her show him that she isn’t passive. She too, can fight back. well, sorta ;)

Reflex action

Today, i woke up with a headache
got some school stuff sorted out
and went over to see Ambition

We went shopping
and even though her birthday was four mouths ago,
i got her a gift
a red pant suit.
she looked so nice in it.
its a change from her usual old fashion outfits

we went to grab a bite to eat, and
we talked
and i almost cried for the things she told me

This reminds me of Waffi's post titled "Seeking out the weak"
Ambition, in this case, is the weak
and its so hard watching her get hurt.

Like a reflex action, i cant help it
as i hold out my hands, to brace her fall,
i know i probably aint helping
how do you know never to hit the bottom
if you dont know how hard it hurts?

I want to let her fall
But i cant
she is my sister
and i love her
so today, i had a heart to heart with her,
took the motherfucker (AKA her ex)'s number,
i'll be giving him a call
so i can have a heart to fuckin heart with the son of a bitch

and no i wont be calling at a regular hour
i'll be calling his house- his family's house
at 2am in the morning
so that the mother, the father, and all the rest of the people in the house can wake up,
smell the coffee,
and hopefully realise, that "dada ole ja, sugbon o ni aburo ti o gbo ju"
yes, Ambition isnt very assertive
but shes got a sister, who breathes, speaks and walks fire
and they're all about to get burnt!

the family needs to come to terms with the fact that
they have a thief living right under their roof.
and this'll happen sometime later, at 2am in the morning.
stay tuned.

Ambition,

i just want it known
that i love you
more than my favorite purse,
more than the one i stole from you,
more than winning arguments,
more than sex with Chad
more than a dishwahsher that actually works
more than having a maid
more mango flavoured ice cream.

I love you Ambition,
for not just being a sister, but also a good friend.

Introducing... my immediate sister, Ambition

I want to buy a house, a townhouse Or a condo
but my word IS IT EVER HARD!
i dont know if it'll happen
but i really think its time

i called Ambition to ask if she'd like to buy it together
she mentioned "no, because buying a house and then selling it in less than a year makes you lose money on it" she had a point, but i still didnt get it
she continued "and when you get married, you have to sell it"
by "you", she was refering to herself
so i wonder...
is Ambition getting married soon?