Reflecting on my 2010 (... candidly).

January


Sex: I had sex with my ex on the fourth... in my sister’s bed. That last statement could have easily gone down below in the “Regrets” section because I sure as hell almost wish I had not however, the consequence of my action is that I now, know better. Never will I ever have sex with that dude ever again. The sex was not worth a quater of the issues that came as the aftermath. While sexing him, the condom broke and being a non-believer in the use of Day-After-Pills, I didn’t use one. I remember he prettymuch threw the money at me for me to go get one. To be honest with you, I couldn’t believe that that was thesame TBS. Oh well, that was me and sex for January.
Health: My health in January was alright, I guess. Other than my regular acne that was under control, the only other issue was that I thought that I was pregnant. After our little sex-thing, my ex and I didn’t “jive” anymore because I seriousl y thought that I was prego. I didn’t get my period (though it was due to appear that same week) till the 29th of January. When I told him that I was pregnant, he laughed and didn’t call for a while... till my birthday. Hmm... lets just say that things have not been thesame. No, I was not pregnant... my period was just extrememely late. This may’ve been due to some hormonal imbalances or maybe I really was in the process of conception but the process was interrupted for one reason or another. Eitherway, my health issue in January was more of a mind one. I was confused and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought that I was pregnant and I (just in case) even looked into an abortion clinic because the thought of having to be pregnant with school or be a student and a mother scared me. I was to abort by February 14, if I would be and if I was pregnant. This would’ve been my first abortion.
Love: Similar to the distance between never-never-land and reality, this four-letter-word was farrrrr farrrr from my mind. I was bitter at myself and had lost my faith in love. TBS was the only dude that I ever thought had true love for me but with him disappointing me well,... I became sceptical over the whole love thing. Very unusual for me but in January 2010, I was not in love with anyone at all, though I was still communicating with Telly (my old Texan friend).
Memories: Not much else for memory other than that and me leaving the student council at school. We had an election and I went up against another candidate for presidency, and lost. That was alright but I did not believe in this girl’s ideas and neither did I subscribe to her “ i care for the students” theme. I felt like she had more egotistical beliefs and had a authoritative way of leading. I was more authoritarian in my ways and I felt like the council was becoming more of a “clique” (a friendship meeting) than an actual organization. I tendered my resignation and left the council as quietly as I ever joined, after two years.
School: School was starting to kind’a look hard. With 5 cources (keep in mind that 3-4 is considered full time) I was starting to see that “shit, I’ll actually have to really try hard to make it through this semester”. A tough factor to deal with was my fianancies that were extremely minimal. Just couldn’t get to pay for school so that didn’t help. I began to work alot less too, because school was very strenuous and time consuming. Working less didn’t help because it only made the situation worse. I got distressed financially and socially.
Joy: Also far from me. Instead of joyfulness, I had hopefulness. I did not want whatever was brewing to brew. I focused more on September 2010 (when I’d have to have the baby) and it looked so gloom.
Regrets: I was still regretting ever inviting the girl I went up against to presidency (we’ll call her Mindi) to the council (to be honest, I didn’t mean to invite her, I meant to invite her friend instead, and only). Also regretted ever sexing TBS again.
Accomplishment: On January 29, I got my period and accomplished something beautiful: the realization of the fact that now, I had been given another chance. Also, giving up the council was VERY difficult because I didn’t trust who I was leaving it to, and didn’t believe that my work on it would be sustained because the new leader had a different view of things however, I had to realize that I was not the council and that the council was not me and also that this was not my goal when I enrolled back in school in the first place...I had more pressing issues so I did it and that to me, was an accomplishment.


February


Health: I was starting to notice a pattern in me. I had a new professor who I had dreaded even before taking her course. In January, I started a four-month course with her and by February, was shaking in my boots. She intimidated me but I thought “oh well”. My physical health was alright until I went for my pap test and was told that I had abnormal cells. I was to go for a second test. Also, on the 17th of February, I had an accident with my car (it involved black ice, car rolling over, and night time... not pleasant) that ended up leaving me carless because it was totalled. In conclusion, I was afraid of this but I didn’t pay much attention to it because slowly, I was starting to feel “sad” about other things... finances, loss of my car, isolation and school, to be exact.
Love: I got a break from my dark days when I jumped town for my march break (which happened to be in February). On valentine’s, I fell in mini love with a dude at a party and please note, that the word “mini” was typed there for a reason. I was enthralled into him...looks, and knowledge (not intellect, but knowledge) and charisma... all that. I wanted so bad, to have him but I knew that I didn’t live there and neither did he. We both were strangers in another’s city. I was not available (due to my instability) and neither was he, for thesame reason. I thought... I’d do him, but I wont be able to. Lets call this do, “Teeth”. Tolly (my Texan old frined) was still int he picture.
Sex: Teeth was staying at his friend’s house and we went over there on Valentines, and did it. Okay, this is one hell of a significant event for me because I’d tried SOOOO MANY TIMES in my life to have a one night stand and I just never could! Well, I broke that streak that night... and it was good, though I didn’t come... and yes, we did it in his friend’s bed. Hmm... i see a pattern here.
Joy: I had thought that I’d be aborting on the 14th, instead, I was making love. Imagine the irony! I was glad that I had a choice to do something else other than having my womb scraped out *urrrgh*.
Money: I had none. Honestly. I think I finally received some $ for my car from the insurance company in March.
Memories: I had met a girl online a few years ago and she decided to come down to town and we got to meet. I went out partying with her and we also went thrift shopping. I was so glad to have finally, met her. In addition to her, I met her beau (one of my worst enemies at a point in my life) who I knew and had prayed never to give the benefit of meeting me but well, I did get to meet him that one time, for her sake. We’ll call her “Nini” and him, “Bean”. I also met a friend at thesame party where I met Teeth... we’ll call her “Natu”.
Regrets: Meeting Bean. He’d text me stupid things for months to come (he got my number because Nini had called him with my phone once). I eventually changed my number at the end of the year and rid my life of his stench. Never again! Another was doing it in Teeth’s friend’s bed. I shouldnt’ve. Nuffsaid. Also, I stayed with Teeth that night and ended up missing my hair appointment. That was a mess! I hated that. I totally regret not checking the weather before driving on the 17th.
Accomplishment: I got to get over my fear or inability to have one night stands. I got to escape my gloom too... taking the week off to that city, shone a ray of light into my life because I had been so gloomy for so long.



March


Health: Poor. I was so sad. Slowly, depression crawled in bed with me and we’d do it every night and sometimes, all day... for hours... for days. I had claudication in my legs and although I’d had this for years, walking to school reminded me daily, that I shouldn’t take the realization for granted.
Love: I was in love with a guy I met online who lived in London, England. I didn’t think that he was physically it, yet I loved his way with words. I admired him... and liked that he was in love with me. Lets call this dude Bunk. I didn’t love Telly, yet I stayed in contact with him.
Sex: None.
School: I could barely make it to work at all and school? Now that I had no car, I wasn’t going to school as often. The bus system was awful (twice an hour at rush hour) and the weather was freezing. With the claudications in my legs, it wasn’t pleasant to walk to school even when I had enough energy to get out of bed... on days when I’d go to school, I’d feel so inferior, “stupid” and got really good at hiding my sad demons. This was my toughest semester.
Joy: None other than Darque, my dog.
Money: I got money for the car that I had crashed, and tried not to spend much of it (ha!). I paid off some minor loans that I had and asked a friend for help to get a new (used) car.
Memories: Dark days, no cars, Darque, and that one assignment I had at school that took so much of my time and boy was it ever difficult.
Regrets: Crashing my car! Arrrgh!

Accomplishment: Managing to live without a car... and making it to school on days that I did.



April


Health: I had forgotten about my pap test result and the need for a follow-up test till this month. To be honest, I didn’t care. If I did at all, I secretly wished that whatever it was could slowly, kill me. The thought of death was on my mind, constantly. On April 24th, after an exam for which I barely answered any questions at all, I attempted to find a means to end my life but the string with which I tried, was not stable enough. I called Bunk and my sister afterwards and called 911 shortly after. This day doubles as both my “rock bottom” day and my most embarrassing day as my old boss (for when I used to work on the student council) got to see me in my “ball of mess” mode as paediatrics and a cop came to assist me to the hospital. Not only for this reason was it embarrassing... also, the hospital to which I was admitted, was where I worked. The doctor who admitted me, was one that I had and would also be working with in the future. I knew then, that work would never be thesame for me. Her attitude towards me was less than professional and the hospital staff weren’t the most courteous. I received less than dignifying care in the ER and was glad to have that cop with me because he seemed to care. Once admitted to the mental health unit, I was able to retain some of my privacy because it was not the unit on which I worked. I prayed each moment I’d leave my room and everytime they’d have a shift change that no one I knew from my professional setting would see me there, as a patient. Most times, my prayer was answered... other times, they were not. Maybe it was a good thing then, that I was overmedicated for the first few days so that my embarrassment wasn’t so much of an issue to me. Instead, sleep and this one image (that reminds me of a thumb print and and a needle prick-finger cap and childhood, and neon reddish changing colors), did. My mom and my sister came to visit me and I kept in touch with Bunk and Telly.
Love: Telly, thought I was not in love with him, was in the picture, and so was Bunk however, I didn’t have much space in my mind to be truly in love with anyone. However, both Bunk and Telly were aware of my admission.
Sex: None.
School: My most pressing issue (right next to health). I was certain that I would flunk out of one course (was doing well in others, but the one where I had that professor that I had issues with. This was thesame prof who taught the course for the exam that I had not written anything. I was certain that I had failed the course. During the exam, I felt like the prof and I was communicating... more like a one-way communication in which she was telling me that she knew I had failed the exam, and the whole course. I felt like the whole situation was a set-up, to see how bad I could fail. I felt her words in my mind as she slowly mysteriously etched the words “stupid” in my head. I felt like we had sat in the specific chairs we sat in, strategically so that she could have a perfect view of me without making it look too obvious. I felt like this was a conspiracy, orchestrated by her.). At the end of the month, I got my result and other than this course, I had As and Bs. In this course, I had a C; I passed by “0.01%”. Although I had a letter from the psychiatrist to assist me with an appeal for the exam so that I may take it again, I decided not to dare it. I had passed... though with an awful result. At the end of the month on the 22nd, I was discharged. By then, I had met Merina, a student who was also admitted on the mental health unit however, she went to a different school out of town. She was a strength for me in a lot of ways. When she shared her story with me, I felt so selfish and realized two things: 1. If you were to hear your neighbour’s troubles, you’d choose to stick with yours (you wouldn’t want to trade yours for theirs). 2. It isn’t the issues that matter, its your ability to cope with it, that truly does.
Joy: My family came through for me. So did my landlord, who cared for my dog on such short notice. So did my room mate (who I truly find repulsive) and friends.
Money: Still saving the $ I had for my car...spent alot of it, however.
Memories: Dark memories and happy ones as my family came to help and frie
nds too. At the end of it all, I went to spend time at my mom’s house and was alright there for a while. Myself and my sister found a stray dog “Pluto” on the streets and I decided to keep it for a while till it is claimed. Oh well, no one claimed it and If I had been at home, I would’ve kept it, however, I decided I’d let it stay with me till I give it out to the shelter. Eventually, I hit a new wall with my brother who I’d never really gotten along well with. He was cruel to my dog(s) and I called him out on it and well, that didn’t go very well. He claimed he’d kick the dogs out if ever I leave the house without them and I thnk that was enough for me. I called a friend and moved over there with the dogs. I was glad to be leaving the memories of my brother behind. Lastly, my sister and I started. Natu and I hung out with her friend “Dar”.
Regrets: None other than the wish that I had not gotten ill.
Accomplishment: Though woefully, I passed.


May


Health: I was now, on medications and struggling to keep up with them. Not only was I gaining weight at an alarming rate but my sleep was out of sync and I couldn’t remember to take the pills sometimes. Gradually by the end of the month, I started to take it less consistently and more sporadically. Also, I couldn’t find a job just yet and this was an issue for me.
Summer: I went on a trip with two friends to California in the United States. It was fun and probably the highlight of my summer.
Love: I was in love with Bunk and kept in contact with Telly. I wanted to meet Bunk...so bad but the chances were looking really slim. I was not financially stable enough to fund the trip to see him and he was not suggesting that he would so that was that. Slowly, I began to think of him less and less. Also, in this section goes my meeting with Modes, a dude I had met from God knows where! I think I met him online. When I met him in person, I got to realize that I had actually known him about 8 years ago when he’d just moved to this country but lost contact with him... truth is, Id stopped communicating with him because he was just too stagnant and too content with that fact.
Sex: I reconnected with Teeth and although I was not in love with him, we kept having sex. Slowly, I began to lose interest in having sex with him. Although I didn’t have sex with him, I had orals with some dude I met on my trip to Cali and well, it was alright. His dark chocolate skin is to die for though he was mega short  Whats with me and short dudes? Really? I think I do have an attraction to them lol oh well...
School: School was out.
Joy: California :)
Family: In a long email, I wrote a letter to my family and sent it to everyone but my brother and dad since I didn’t have their email addresses. I detailed my feelings on my relationship (or lack there of) with my brother and my reflections on it. I also finally disclosed that I was molested by a family member when I was younger (though I was sure to also note that it was certainly not by my brother nor by my dad). One of my sisters responded with disapproval for some (all?) of the contents and we eventually agreed to disagree. No other responses. I swore to never step foot in my mother’s house again and that family gatherings would have to be done in my absence.
Money: I bought the car, finally. Couldnt drive it however... so I waited. I got a job at the end of the month and also realized that without a second job, I would not be able to make enough to get back into school in September. I didn’t know what to do, really.
Memories: California
Regrets: Having a brother, ever caring why he hated me and ever thinking that he mattered. Oh, and ever including my real address on resumes (it deterred people from hiring me, I think...because it was obvious that I was from out of town).
Accomplishment: Getting a new job.


JUNE


Health: I was feeling better, I suppose. Happiness or (relative) normalcy, was resurfacing. My uncle came to town and after over 14 years, I got to see him again.
Love: I stopped loving Bunk. He’d lied to me about not living at home. How did I know? As I was chatting with him, I heard his mom call in the background and I am not a child so I know that when a mother calls her son who still lives at home, her tone of voice is different from when she calls one who doesn’t. Besides, when I asked where he was, he sad that he was at home yet, the background of the image of him on cam showed that he was in thesame bunk bed he has at home. The wallpaper was also thesame. I then knew, that he’d been lying to me. When I confronted him, he denied it and called me names. When I cursed him out for this, he called me crass. I wont ever forget that. I sent him a message saying that I’d have nothing to do with him. That was the end of it. Hell, I even stopped going to the site where I met him (a forum) because truth is that he’d spoilt the vibe of it for me.
Sex: Somewhat with Teeth but I had become disenchanted. I had never been able to “come” with this dude and I wasn’t in love with him. I decided to end it.
Family: I met my uncle and meeting him further replenished my wish to eventually move back home. Myself, him and my mom went to visit my dad but he was not home. Story was my uncle had called him and received no response so oh well. I fell in love with the idea of having a responsible and loving man as my father. I am not that fortunate. When he left, my neck shortened and my head then, returned from the clouds, into earth. I was my father’s daughter...no matter what.
School: Out.
Joy: Darque. My car. My friends. My family. A friend’s wedding (Mattie) was coming up next month and I was to be a maid of honor. The $ stress of that was pilling up and slowly, I began to realize that people sometimes, pass on their wedding costs to the participants in order to have good enough weddings. Arrrgh! Anyway, this is the “joy” section so I guess I’ve digressed. I reconnected with Beegee, an old friend who also was to be in the bridal train. Being at my friend’s house, it wasn’t easy caring for Darque. Darque caught fleas and this was the hardest thing for me to deal with this summer. I had no money to get her adequate vet treatment so I bought cheap remedies, and made some homemade ones. They didn’t work.
Money: None. Although I was working, I was also owing. The car I bought cost alot of money to fix and “put on the road”.
Memories: There were major issues for the upcoming wedding. Alot of feelings surfaced and I began to see Mattie in a different light. Needless to say, I held my ground. Also, Feather who was to be her maid of honor, was like 10000months pregnant. I thus, began to see my life under a different light. A reflection began.
Regrets: Not calling Beegee to sympathize when her dad passed. I apologised for this and this month, she forgave me.
Accomplishment: I’m not sure.


JULY


Health: not much at all. I’d prettymuch stopped taking my meds and was still relatively sane lol.
Love: Wasnt even thinking about Bunk anymore but Modes was in the picture. That man really TRIED for me. I owe him alot of thanks
Sex: So, I met some dude this month through another dude that I’d met this summer. Lets call this new dude Caghy. Caghy and I met and had sex on our second meeting. He was to be my second one-night-stand. We did the do and then did some more. I knew the moment I did him, that I’d break it off with Teeth... which I eventually did in July. My excuse to him? “I don’t want to fall in love with you, so I’ll have to stop sexing you”. What a lie!
School: Out for the summer.
Joy: My dog. I finally got to take her to the vet and started treatment on her. I also got to get her shots updated (finally!)
Money: Low as hell.
Memories: The wedding was awesome and it just may’ve been worth the stress. My friend Thethe came to the wedding and so did some of my famz. It was fun. Reverse back to the day before... at the engagement. I saw my dad and he made a funny comment saying “...you never call me. You wouldn’t even know if i was ill or hospitalized”. I remembered my April experiences and chuckled as I responded “i agree. Neither would you”, to which he said nothing. He asked me to call him the week after. I didn’t.
Regrets: Not sure if I had any... oh yeah but I did!!! I regret ever sexing Teeth more than once because in my opinion, it was a waste, since he never did make me come.
Accomplishment: Getting rid of Teeth and getting Darque her shots and meds.


August


Health: Alright, I guess. Now, after the storm, I started to rethink about my pap test. I still needed a follow-up test.
Love: I was starting to meet new people. Modes and I had grown apart and he was starting to show signs that he wasn’t in love with me anymore (smart of him)... wasn’t rude but would slowly stop returning my calls or answering calls. I was happy for him that he got over me because I really was not right for him. I fell in likeness and not enough of lust with this tall “Mixed” dude... we decided to give it a go at the end of August. Also, I was really feeling this one dude that I see on a chat site that I frequent. We’ll call him “Isli”, and the mixed dude “Mixed”.
Sex: was sexing Caghy till the end of the month when I met up with him to either break it off or clarify our feelings. I ended up just breaking it up because it was either him or Mixed and unlike him, Mixed was willing to commit. I wasn’t interested in someone for sex because summer was concluding and I wanted someone (my own, someone) to call on when I’m away at school and feeling my usual loneliness. Caghy wasn’t interested, though I didn’t ask him to be mine... I cried. I remember crying..i hated saying goodbye.
School: Was still out and I couldn’t wait to start my third year.
Joy: Darque, and Mixed, and having options. I loved having options... oh, and my mother. She came through for me. Also, my sister graduated.
Money: Had some... but would be going towards school as I got prepaired to start paying rent again. On my job, I gave a silly excuse for resignation (saying that I was moving back home but my story had even more fluff lol). I promised to keep in touch but knew that I wouldn’t.
Memories: My sister had finished school this summer and graduated
Regrets: Doubt that I had any...yet. Oh but I did! I regret not attending my favourite summer festival!!! Accomplishment: I concluded my relationships with those bootiemen 


September


Health: It was hard returning to that same spot where I had tried to end it all in April. What was even harder was that I had a class in that very room, every week. Eventually, I made a new memory in that class and it became just a classroom to me as opposed to a place of parasuicide(?). In some ways, this was an accomplishment. Love: Mixed and I didn’t last... matter of fact, the whole thing dissolved the day before school started. So much for thinking that it would’ve worked. Ohhhh wellllll. I fell in love deeeep with Isli. Isli was poetic, intelligent and tres sexy. I was in love again.
Sex: Nope.
School: I started a course with thesame prof, only this time, I was aware of my demons.
Joy: My darque.
Money: Hardly any at all, though I had a few hundrends from my summer job savings.
Memories: School started to look hard. For school, I had to practice on thesame place where I had been admitted in April. If you thinkt hat that must’ve been akward, you have NO idea.
Regrets: I didn’t regret much but the fact that I was ever sick. I went to work once and felt so akward. I was a wreck. On my way out of work that day, I feared I may never return.
Accomplishment: Going to work...getting over that fear.


October

Health: Not much to note. I started looking into getting an appointment for pap test followup. I booked one for August 2011... it was the earliest appointment I could get in town...what a pity!
Love: Not in love BUT this dude and I started talking... online, again of course haha! He was into BDSM and since I was curious about it too, I became his S and he became my M. I was more dominant than sadistic, to be honest. Lets call this dude “Slav”. Isli and I ended. I learnt never to trust anything that comes my way in the form of online long distance love, ever again. This is somewhat of an accomplishment.I started a project with him online (cant get into details, for anonymity).
Sex: None.
School: I was in a few groups for school and one of them was with two females that I usuall am in groups with and to be honest with you, they sort of suck. They’re underachievers (not by actions but by aspirations, which in my opinion, is the worse kind to be) and thus, were alright with handing in less than great work. This made ithard for me, I’ll agree. I decided not to work on the project by dominating it like I usually do. I’ll let them do as they please and wont do their parts for them (though I ended up doing ome of their parts, regardless). The host of that site started showing interest in me...It made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was married and well, I also knew that what he thought of me, was not what was real...he saw me online. I am not that online character...I am human. This opened my eyes to the possibility that the men I meet through this medium, aren’t what I see.
Joy: It was nice having a companion. Isli was it till it ended, then Slav became it. Darque is always it.
Money: None...again. Nothing new, I guess. i borrowed money from Telly for part of my rent. When I asked him for it, he ignored the request, instead, he figured it'd be a great time to flirt with me and ask me whether or not I'd be his. i figured $275 wasnt enough for me to tell a lie for...not enough for me to brush his ego. Not while I'm only borrowing the money (not like he was giving it to me). I told him I doubt that was the right time to discuss it. He ended up sending the money. I will be paying it back in December.
Memories: I’ll never forget the skype communications Slav and I had. Interesting ones! Regrets: None.
Accomplishment: I made it through this month without going off the deep end.


November


Health: I started to feel “down”. Not much to say about that. I started to feel clouded.
Love: I asked Slav for money once (hardly ever do this, btw) and he disappeared the next day. It was too funny... but not really. What else? I talked to Caghy and he said he asked if I was still in a relationship (as I’d told him when we were endng it, that I was getting with someone new) and I said yes. I know I lied, but if I hadn’t, it would have looked as if I had told him I was getting with someone new in order to get him jealous. Anyway, he said he wished I wasn’t because he wanted someone and I was his best bet...didnt know what that means exactly. Oh well. He then told me that he met a girl at church that he was crushing on. He was going to see her again the next day (a Sunday). I called him afterwards on Sunday and then two more times but he never did answer myc all nor return them. I knew then that he was gone and stopped caling him; even deleted his number all together. That was it.
Sex: None.
School: This semester was hard and having to meet that Prof every week didn’t help. I figured that I better realize that I wont be making straight As this semester. Oh lawd! BOOOOOOOOO!
Joy: I came to my mom’s town and left my dog there since my brother was already out of the hosue and away at school and it was too cold to bring my dog with me back to school. Being away from her was nice because I didn’t have to walk her BUT it was tough because I didn’t know what was up with her.
Money: None
Memories: my days are darkening.
Regrets: Having only stayed with thesame group for school work and since the people are so bad with school work, being in a group with them was counterproductive. We almost failed our project.
Accomplishment: was there any? Maybe ? I stayed alive...i guess. I was so clouded though, geez!



December


Health: I lived in my mind alot these days. The month began with me being so lost. #1. I looked around me and everyone was either married, married with kids, had kids (rare without marriage) or about to get into one of those groups. I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want kids, yet I felt inadequate. #2. I was still without my Bachelor degree and that too, made me feel less than adequate. #3. I didn’t watn to stay in this country and i knew it’d be hard to find a partner who felt thesame. I was lost... in my state of confusion I turned to blogville to find an old blogfriend of mine. I actually logged on here o see if I'd find a way to contact her but...couldnt. Ironically, I saw that she too, had left a message, asking me to contact her. She asked me to email her but I couldnt as I couldnt find her email and because of my annonymity (hope am still anonymous), I couldnt leave my email on herefor her to contact me. I ended up logging off, disappointed. I was still so confused, lost and scared. To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel till the 24th when I sent my feelings in an inboxed FB message to two strangers on FB (these two females that alghouth I hardly ever communicate with, have known for years after meeting them online). Dont know why i decided to send them such a message that was so personal, but I did and am glad I did because they were able to relate. Communicating with them was really medicinal... it cleared my worries and made me feel “normal” and as if i was on the right path. I learned that (from this experience) it is important to have the right people around you, at the right times.
Love: Not much. Telly asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I told him its ridiculous that he'd even ask me considering him and I were yet to meet. I'd known this man for about 6 years and although he lived just one country over, we had never met. I refuse to fund my way there ... never believed in funding my flight to see a dude. He too, had never offered so I've left the issue as is. Not much else happened in the "love" category till the end of the year. I met with TBS and we went out to eat at an upscale restaurant but the kitchen was closed so we did drinks. I got to see that TBS could actually dress up! But not even that could make me want him. On the 29th of the month, Chaghy contacted me, saying he wanted to be with me. Dont know how much I believe it but... we met up at a bar and talked. I got mega turned on...
Sex: ... and I had sex with him the next day. It was magical ahhhh! While at his place, I had this urge to look through his stuff out of distrust for him. I never used to be that way but I was overwhelmed by this feeling... this “odd” feeling. I remembered the time when an ex of mine had left me at his house and while away, i looked through his computer for pics (innocently, not searching for anything) and through there, I found out that he was not only married but with a new baby. I realized then, that your experiences do mold you. I was a changed woman. I looked through Caghy’s old pay stubb... nothing much since he’d already told me how much he got paid. Wanted to look through other stuff but I thought didn’t...i got busy with folding his clothes instead. Whew! I wonder if this is significant but i’d mention it just in case: he told me he was last with anyone (sexually) about a month ago yet, i saw a condom wrap on his floor. No, it wasn’t the one we used.
School: I did less than I wished but better than I “had to”. The significance of this semester is that I had been this far before in thesame program. Only difference is that my grades are much better so that this time I wont have to go back to start over.
Joy: I got to see my Darque again. I also got to spend time at my sister’s and meet the new addition to our family: Ambition(my sister)’s husband. Also got to spend Christmas with my family... I’m blessed.
Money: None. I mean it. And to make matters worse, school was about to restart (expenses galore), my rent was due and I was yet to pay Telli back. Hmm... I wonder if thats why he had not been calling me. Oh well, I dont care so much because to be honest, Telli and I have been talking for years with nothing tangible to show for it so really if he decides to stop chatting now, it'll be just as good a time as any. Besides, the more I see the dude's pics on FB, the more I get acid reflux and no, it isnt because he is hot... he isnt. (God forgive me for I have sinned!)
Memories: Christmas. Though I’d said I wouldn’t attend anymore family gatherings, I did. I didn’t want to not only because of my brother, but also because I had no $ to purchase gifts for anyone but i went anyway.
Regrets: That my sis isn’t being straight with me...she is angry and I know, yet she wont be straight about it because what she is angry about, is pretty petty (at least, thats what I think). She is angry becuse when I went to her town in November, I didn’t give her a call. I thought that was normal for me to do!!!
Accomplishment: I spent time with family and got to realize that I am normal afterall and finally, I got to complete this reflection.
Last 2010 hours: I spent it with a bestie of mine. We ate, and talked and reflected. I am so proud of her for letting the horrible men in her life go this year. Also, I disclosed my April ordeal to her and for the last time this year, I cried. Finally, I can move on to 2011 with love in my heart, hope on my mind and my eyes up, watching God.

How to escape a speeding ticket on halloween night.

So it was a gracious night. Halloween night!
And there i was, dressed as a BellyDancer. Kiss and I decided to go out. We went to this club called Sign243 and were supposed to meet China and 2 other friends there but we got there so late, that we couldnt get in.
So we went to this other club where White men, and Naija Yahooze boys tend to frequent. We go there for the former, by the way. We usually ignore the latter.
Anyway, that wasnt bad,... then we left there.
I was driving, and since i have a bad case of ADD, i wasnt suprised to note myself turning left at a red light! See the funny thing is, before i started to make the turn, i wasnt aware of what i was about to do but the moment i started to make the turn i realised it but, it was too late! I mean, i wasnt about to just stop in the middle of traffic so i can get hit! I had to finish that turn, so i did.
"Emm... oh sheeet! i'm making a left turn at a red light!"
Kiss: "oh,... err..."
"Oh darn"
I hadnt even finished my "darn" when i heard the sirens behind me.
Okay, heres the thing! There are numerous times when i've violated traffic laws just because i felt like it, just because i was lazy, just for the high, WHATEVARRRRRR! WHY did it have to be the one time that i REALLY didnt mean to do it, that i'd get caught?!???

Well, i'm not a runner and i wasnt about to start that night so i pulled over and assessed my fate.
Kiss: "Jesu! Opari oh! wetinb we go do?"
"hmm, " i couldnt say anything. I just prayed they dont smell the alcohol i'd drank on my breath, or sensed that i had numerous OVERDUEEE unpaid tickets or sensed that my lights dont work.
Kiss: "Truth, lets beg them"
"Beg gini? you think this is Nigeria?"

So, they arrived. One on my side, one on Kiss's side. Almost seems so darn rehearsed.

"Hi Officers!" Teeth a'gleaming.
Officer#1: "Hi, you just ran a red light there."
"Yeah i know, i dont know what i was thinkging, i didnt know till i'd done it"
Officer#1: "I dont know what you were thinking, i mean... who runs red lights with cops right behind them?"
Kiss starts her flirting with Officer#2 "We're so sorry. we're students and we never disobey the laws. That was a mistake. " she added, with her "sweet sexy girl" voice impersonation. She was almost deathly annoying. I thought, here i was trying to be professional and nice so i'd get the least penalty i could, and there she was, flirting with the officer!
Officer#2 "Students? i see"
Officer#1 "where are you guys coming from?"
"From a halloween party!"
"YEah? what club?"
"Sign243"
"May i see your driver's licence?"
I gave it to him.
He left with it, while Kiss seized yet another oppourtunity to flirt with the second officer.
"So, officer, do you like what we have on?"oh geez! i couldnt believe it.i was starting to enjoy her flirting with him but i wondered if it'd be irritating to them. I mean, i'm sure they get TONS of females who try this with them everynight! "My friend is dressed as a belly dancer"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" she turns to me "Truth, go ahead, show the gentleman your costume..."
"KISS, are you out of your..."
Officer #2 "sure, let me see it"
i thought, chei! i don suffer! this modeling i'm about to do better pay off...
i took my coat off, got out of the car and strutted ma stuff lol. I got so shy when i got out of the car. There wasnt only one police car but another police van/SUV (hell, i didnt even know those existed!) out there.
I heared some howling, but i was too shy to stand up to them. i got back in the car.
Officer#2 "Thats hot!"
I responded "Wel, if you think thats hot, you should see my friend's dress. Shes banging"
See, Truth betold, Kiss has a hot body. And the dress she had on that night, accentuated her assets. She didnt even let me finish. She prang to the oppourtunity to show herself off. She took her coat off and got out of the car. Turned and swirled...
They loved her. It was cute. lol. Big grown cops salivating over what they couldnt have experienced if were not for their uniforms.
Officer #1 returned to the car.
"Okay, i see you dont have your insurance card"
I didnt get it. I wanted to argue that i DO have my insurance card "No, but officer, i ..."
"No you dont!" he cut me short "and since you dont have you insurance card, i'm going to have to give you a $60ticket for that instead of the $200 (and 4 demerit points!!!) ticket that you should have gotten for running a red light"
I gleamed. My happiness was unmeasurable. $200? Where forth would i have acquired such sum? lmao!
"and since you two are dressed so nice, i'll just give you a warning"
lmao! i wanted to die.
They wished us goodnight, bid us farewell, and left.

Unbelievable.
Surely theres a heaven on earth.
We experience it once in a while.
Like a little treat.
We had a taste of pardoned-heaven that night.
and no... i still havent paid the numerous overdue tickets i have (which i know the cop must have seen on his monitor that night when he checked my licence) and neither have i fixed my lights.

Aint I A Woman? - Sojourner Truth (1797-1883)

"Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the Negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about? That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman? Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? (member of audience whispers, "intellect") That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full? Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him. If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them. Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

The Unwarranted liar

I was chatting with Kiss today when Shamaine's name came up.
Oh, Shamaine! how do i forget thee!

I met her in 10th grade.
I'd always see her in the hallways as i passed and i knew she'd always check me.
not the "oh, girl i'd fuck you in a minute" type check but the "whoa! why she waltzing like a diva?" type check.

see... when i walk, i stride. i glide. my walk... i can go on and on about my walk but there are only 24hours in a day, so...

but then Shamaine and I started talking (dont remember how exactly)
she was one grade less than i was, yet we had one class together.
Shamaine was a bright student, so i wasnt suprised.

Shamaine!
5'6 tall, about 150pounds, dark skinned, never weave, hair permed, usually pulled back in pony tail, big puffy cheeks, little eyes, big nice lips... Shamaine!

i knew Shamaine was cheap. it didnt take me long to realise. From the tip of her hair to the sole of her feet, Shamaine never dedicated much money into herself.
...or anything else, for that matter. But she'd always boast about how much she spent on her outfits and how hot she looked.
If you ask me, she looked like a village girl (but no one is asking me so i wont go intomuch details about that)
i never really judged her for that. I figured, if she wanted to save her money, thats her business and its actually a good quality.

Shamaine was a good friend. We'd hang out in our group with a few other friends and have a great time each lunch break. We'd always walk home together...
but something was fishy about Shamaine.
her words, just never added up.
Shamaine would come out of the blue to say something like "This guy in my class likes me so much" and for some reason, it wouldnt ring true...
Everytime Shamaine would lie, i'd be able to tell and i dont know why, BUT i just could. Its like i had a SHamine Lie-dar or something!
But i started to doubt myself when it started to sound to me like I suspected she was lying everytime she spoke!
I thought; "no, maybe its just me. she couldnt lie so much." and pushed the thought out of my head.
I decided to start believing Shamaine. I started to trust her words.

Then, Christmas of '99...
Shamaine invited me to her church and i agreed to go. On our way down, she had a package with her. She said the package was a christmas gift and asked if i'd take a look the gift inside it and give her a feedback. I did. It was a white ceramic-like trinket box with silver trims. I didnt like it. maybe because i dont like trinkets. If you ask me, they're like the most useless things in the world and i had already had about 4 different ones. But i knew it was Shamaine's sort of thing. Something about it screamed "Shamaine!" so i told her it was cute (it really was)... but that was all i said.
Then she immediately said

"oh! okay, i'll get you one for Christmas then, since you like it! I bought it for $25.00"

Please, note that i never did say that i liked it, neither did i ask her how much it was. I asked her where she got it and she said "Oh, I got it from Aluwhalia Mall!"
I didnt even think that Shamaine had ever been in that mall since you'd actually have to want to spend money to go to Aluwhalia Mall. Its the more expensive mall.
Shamaine's attitude seemed odd to me because she isnt the type to give gifts (because gifts costs money), she isnt the type to shop at Aluwhalia mall (too expensive) AND she isnt the type to buy ANYTHING for $25.00!
I knew something was definitely up. I mean; WAYYYYY UP!

So you can imagine how upset i was, when i went with my mom to the local plaza with my mom the week after. I walked past the dollar store and guess what i saw in abundance! yes, you guessed right... WHITE CERAMIC-LIKE TRINKET BOXES WITH WHITE TRIMS! They were thesame make, thesame colour, thesame everything!

So when Christmas came, Shamaine, gave me my gift.
I wanted to tell her how i felt... but i was waiting to really suprise her.
Instead, i told her i'd give her her gift in class after the holidays.
She didnt fail to tell me numerous times that she wanted a (specific) pair of shoes for christmas.
She wanted the shoes, i got the trinket box at Yangrilla Plaza. Hmm!

During the holiday break, i was so upset. I considered my friendship with Shamaine, evaluated it, and thought about all the times I'd felt like she'd lied to me.
I was angry!

On the first day of school, in class...i told Shamaine to come and see me, and she did.
she sat behind me in class and i gave her the gift.
i didnt say anything, i had the gift wrapped, placed it on her desk and watched her watch it, wondering what it could be.

Then i turned aroung and looked at her.
I was disappointed. I was angry. I felt deceieved, for no reason.

"Shamaine, i feel like i have to come honest with you. May i speak with you?"
"okay, what?"
"I'm grateful for the gift you gave me."
"oh, thats no problesm, you're welcome" she almost smiled. But i guess she knew better. She looked at me, and the half-smile got stuck in the corners of her mouth, and receeded back into her throat as she listened.
"why did you lie to me?"
"what are you talking about?"
"tell me this: Shamaine, did i ever ask you for a Christmas gift?"
"no, ..."
"Did i ever ask you for a trinket box?"
"no"
"Did I ever ask you how much the trinket box cost?"
"No"
"When i did ask you where you got it from, didnt you tell me it was from Aluwhalia mall?"
"yeah, i did..."

When i get angry, i usually feel like getting physical. But not that day. Although she was only 3 inches away from me, i didnt feel the need to slap her shitless.
I felt the need to leave her, to never speak to her again. I wasnt angry much. But the disappointment that i felt, was enough to kill a newborn.

"Shamaine, I went to Yangrila plaza, and I saw an abundance of those trinkets in the dollarstore, being sold for a afghani (i.e like one dollar) as opposed to the $25.00 you told me"

she looked shocked, caught, and silly... she also looked confused because all those emotions were trying to dominate her face all at once.

"They have it there?" i wanted to slap her "thats weird because..."
"I cant stand you lying to me." i remained calm "and you know the part that angers me the most is that you lie, for no reason." i wanted to cry "you lie when you really dont have to, when i never demand anything of you. I place no pressure on you, you never have to impress me. thats what a friend is for; so you can be yourself, YET you lie! "
"No, Truth, honestly, i didnt know..."
"and your lies continue. But the difference between you lying to me now, and lying to me back then about the trinket is that at least, i can undserstand that you're lying now because you're ashamed. You're embarrassed that you've been caught so although you know that i know that you're lying, you do it to save your pride. But what i dont understand is why you felt the need to lie to me initially about the trinket. That was an unwarranted lie."
I was so angry. She was starting to look pathetic.
"I know you wanted the a pair of shoes but as you can see, thats not what i got you. I didnt feel like you'd ever purchase a pair of shoes for me, so now... i wouldnt do that for you. I'm giving you thesame trinket box back. No, it isnt thesame one that you gave me... its a different one that i got from the dollar store at Yangrilla Plaza. I figured since you love it so much, i'd get you thesame thing."

I turned around, i couldnt stand the pathetic look on her face any longer.

"I'm sorry. Sorry but i didnt know that they sell it at Yangrilla for a dollar"

she couldnt stop lying.
and i couldnt stop bring angry.

Shamaine never owned up to her lies.
Neither did she change her lying ways.
I remained "friends" with her for years after then but I've since lost contact with her.
Last time i saw her, she was finished with post secondary school as a Bio-technician and was working.
But since i got that information from Shamaine who was riding in the local bus at the time, i find that hard to believe.
That was the end of the friendship between Shamaine and I.

Got a bug... 24hour bug

I saw you today and couldn't believe my eyes.

Shaha said "Hey! Dominique! how you been" and i turned around, only to be confronted by his face and my consience and the memories of the night...
years ago .......6years ago.
Dominique had asked me out to the club but i didn't like him. He had a car, and i didnt. I wanted to go out with the girls so i played my tricks and invited the girls along. He was our ride, nothing but our ride.
Dominique Ayana went to thesame highschool as me.
He was absolutely one of the most popular boys in school not because he was the hottest, neither was he the most unattractive. He wasn't a nerd, he wasn't hated. He was loved by everything and everybody in the school and in a highschool full of hatred, its hard to be loved by all. But Dominique was a comedian.Ever met a guy who made you and everyone else around him roar with laughter?He was well respected because he wasnt a blabbermouth.I respected him.
But couldn't be attracted to him. His lanky 5'6 skinny frame was not what i admired in men. Besides, he was a few months younger, and i was about 12 going on 40. I didn't date men my age. I prefered them much older.
So that night some weeks after we'd graduated, he asked me out and like the genius that i am, i invited three other girls and he was our ride.


...So tonight...as i saw Dominique flames of shame burnt my insides as i saw what i could have had...and what i failed to appreciate.
We danced through the night and when Destra Garcia sang "I Dare You"I seduced him with my dares as i challenged him to every whine; and he came with it, responding to the rhythm, responding to my turns...i turned to him and said "wow you've got you some great leg muscles!" to which he responded with a blush and comically told Shaha "She loves 'me legz!"


I want him...i do...i cant say a lot of men are good but i can say Dominique is...when i saw him today, i hoped he'd ask for my number but he didn' and couldn't blame him. Maybe he'd lost interest. Maybe he'd learnt his lesson. Maybe, he is shy. Either way,i know that i'd promised myself not to fall again so although i'm threading on the boundries of breaking that promise, I wont shatter it by making the first (second?) move.
I'm still healing from my previous experiences so i need someone to pray for me so that i can get rid of this 24hour lovebug for Dominique Nidad.

Mother and Child 1

"Oh how i miss you! there is so much i have to tell you, i have had to grow without you! So joyful to see you...."
.....
but words failed her
sobs interrupted and consoles took her's
but they both understood, communicating without uttering
not one word needed spoken
she said all she had to
all in that one tear that treaked down her cheek
making a pathway for more to come
as she regressed into that girl she was,
5 years ago,
when they had parted.

Back into Mama's arms.


I have so much to be thankful for.

Antie "Twut" came to love life again!

There lies no other love on earth
like the kind from a child
pure
gentle
energetic
almost sultry love
you love me kindly.
you love me carefree.
you love me. safely.

saddened and heavy laddened
i could hardly lift my head
i cried and slept
fears and worries filled my days
i tried calling for help
but how do you tell a friend
that you had lost all hope to stay?
how do you tell a sister
that you have lost lost all wills to live?

and the thoughts slipped in!

And i knew it then...
funny voices told me
as i questioned myself
"what have i done to get here?"

my head felt so heavy
my voice so weak
my heart got slow
as i contemplated the end.

how was i to do this?
how was i to leave?
what would become of me?
who would know of it?

and to pick up the phone
to reach out the room
to get out of my towel
and get into the closet
even my greatest joys lacked love.
i was about to leave the world.

but greater is he that is in you.
greater is it thats bestowed on you.
you are the love that kept me true.

i remember leaving my suite
i got up sluggishly
wiped up dried and wet tears
pretended i was invinscible
as i walked down the hall
and then the elevator
and then my car
i will go see mama
just in case i do leave
Ma' had a special treat
mama, oh how i love you
when i opened the door
i looked down and saw an entity
a special being
you stepped aback
staring at me through these bright untainted lenses.

you stared for a few moments
i was embarrassed
i had stopped visiting
and you'd almost forgotten

you looked at me
and suddenly came running
"Twuuuutttt!" "Twut! Twut! Twut! Twut! TwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuT!!!!!"
you called me, running around in silly circles
you came into my arms
gave me your stuffed teddy,
and ran farther back, clapping, stomping, screaming
you had so much joy you didnt know how to act
so much joy you brought me out
i cried and hid my tears
ashamed that i would've disappointed you
how dare i leave?
who would be your favourite auntie?
and

i
cant
help
it...
baby, i still cry.

how you saved my life
by being a child.
you gave me love.
pure sultry untainted peaceful love.
i mattered to you, on that January day.
i am still here on this July night.
because you worked better than the pills.
five months and counting.
baby, its been five months and counting!

And i cant wait to tell you this.
when you finally grow up.
i promise.
it'll be our little secret.
we'll name this story
"How auntie Twut, came to love life again...
how Joy at 17 months, brought me out to life"

Remembering... My first loves

i remember at 21
i had just moved back home after 2yrs of college

had to leave mom's home since she couldnt respect my opinion.

"you know what, mom? just so you know, if ever i want to get married, and when i am ready to choose, you can be rest assured, that i wont be looking for a man who can get along with you. A little naija man who- at your beck and call, hurries because "culture" dictates so. I wont pick one because he postrates at your presence. i hate to break it to you but MA MARRIAGE WONT BE ABOUT YOU! You wont be in it. I'll rock that ring, and it'll remain a pact between me, and whoever else i'm with. Between two people, where there wont be any intruders. If i'm with a man, Mother, it'll be because i want him, he wants me, and he respects me. Now let this be the last time you speak to me about something I've already discussed with you. We can agree to disagree. i'll move out next month."

and i did.
years later,Mama and I, are even closer.
Mama calle me when she makes my fav. meals,
calls me to pick some mails up,
sometimes still deliver my mails for me,
Still still calls me for my opinions about life

Thesame Mama who once attempted to break open a papaya
with her bare hands, because i was so hungry
i remember...
Thesame woman who had multiple jobs and 5 kids,
Thesame woman who managed to pay through way through ....
highschool, university...
a woman in an African country
This woman who consults me with her issues,
but never did she bring that topic up again.

"dad, wait! i really dont wanna hear anymore. You may stop calling me all you like if you dont like what i'm about to say because frankly, i wont stand to be disrespected! i mean- here you are being a hypocrite, telling me its "much better" to marry a naija man when YOURSELF are a naija man AND u didnt treat ma mom well! how dare you! you are here, calling me up to preach something that you yourself have failed at. LET THIS BE THE LAST TIME you speak to me about such an issue! Being a naija doesnt make a man a good husband. EVEN YOU have proved that. so respect me enough to at least, respect my opinion as a grown adult. If i do make a mistake, its fine. life isnt about mistakes- but about learning. thanks."

years later, ma Dada is still ma Dada.
The same man who would tickle me silly
i'd laugh till i cried
i'd roll on the living room floor
he'd give me his left overs
he'd bribe me. give me a five naira bill, in exchange for a bold dare-
"go slap ur sister in her face"
and i'd know better.
because the first time i did, not only did Ambition beat me shitless
but my daddy also scolded me, for being so stupid
"yes i told you to, but if i told you to jump off the balcony, wonld you do that too? dont you know the difference between right and wrong?"
he laughed at me, that husky deep throat of his
bears the coldest, yet heartiest storngest laughter
it comes from outside of him
it comes somewhere from beneath him
the source of his voice,
is the earth we thread on.
With a voice like a firery thunder,
he laughed at me, as he pulled me closer, hugging me.
"oya pele"

i remember...
Thesame man who'd beat mom into one too many uncounscious episodes,
Thesame one who i have now come to forgive
Thesame one who manages to reoffend
Thesame one who somehow, thinks he deserves that "fatherly" role
Thesame one whose love remains so unporportioned

Thesame one who i cant help but love
and hope someday, can heal, with.
My first love. My dad, never did bring the topic up again.

Kimani Episodes 2

So there i was in the hallway, looking at the man who'd further refine me.
i looked at him
he said
"hi, i'm Kimani"
"Truth here- nice to meet you Kimani. i guess u're Wapa's friend?"
"yea, i've known Wapa and his sister for a while..."
and the convo went on...

i should've ran
why?! oh why didnt i have a seizure at that moment!
why didnt i convulse? why didnt i act like a mad woman so he'd run away from me?!
but instead, i further fostered his interest :

we talked:...
"so what do you do?"
"i'm starting college next month. in a few weeks. i'm currently working, but i'd have to quit so i can get to school. i'm actually moving away for school"
"oh thats too bad. i'm going to school too. what're you going for?"

i told him. i asked him thesame and he said "International Marketing". Funny. He never did go for that.

After the party, he drove me, and Wapa's sister and a few other people home. Wapa's sister lived at the party spot- she only came for the ride. Along with Kimani, Wapa's sister and i, were Damilola, and his friend. Damilola had a thing for me. I kinda had (have?) a thing for him too. So on our way to drop them off, i felt so guilty. i remember my consience nagging at me.
But anyway, they finnally got out of the car. Then it was just Kimani and I.

Then he did it.
i have a bad sense of smell, but nothing hides the smell of cigarrettes smoke. i looked over, and saw what i couldnt believe! he was smoking! it finnally began t make sense- the dark lips.

"do you mind?"
"oh is the cigarrette smoke bothering you?"
"yes, a whole lot"
"sorry"
and he abruptly, got out of the car, to smoke.

and i became a believer. I became a believer, forgetting that charms do fade. Truth, charms do fade.
Truth, charms do fade. Truth, rememeber, charms do fade. I needed to BeTold, "Truth, charms do fail".

but i didnt realise that, then. so i stayed. He dropped me off at my house and that was it.
We talked all night. i found out more about Kimani-

Kimani, lived with his sister. They lived here in the country alone. Both parents were back home.
Him and his sister and his sister's boyfriend lived together in a basement apartment. Both him and his sister would be starting college in January- same time i'd start. It was great! i thought i'd found a new list of friends. I was glad. I was... dreaming.

Kimani brought me over to his place once. and i should have seen it, but i kept my eyes closed. I should've seen all the signs- all over the apartment were warnigns signs that said different variations of "caution; DANGER AHEAD!"
but a bat will be blind till it sees light. and boy was i ever blind!

I got into the dark apartment, was welcomed by the chills of the spot... and walked down the stairs after him. Looked to the left, and failed to see the dark remnants of a pigsty. I looked away, and turned to the right, to what would be his room. In there, was a bed, and not much else. CIggarete smoke lingered in the air, and a deepfreezer hummed closeby. I sat down, quietly. Quietly.
I knew this wasnt a place for me. But i was a believer. I had a thing for this man. And i thought it was about time i gave a man from my home, a try. I sat on the edge of the bed. He came close, and we talked. I think we kissed that night. He dropped me home shortly after.

The night i met Kimani's sister, Zebe, she was standing in the hallway. I saw her, and for some reason, a hallo hung over her head. LoL! That was ironic. I got to know her much better, later.

I met Zebe's boyfriend later, and soon got to realise what kind of people they were.
They smoked like they breathe. They drink like they ate. Smoking and drinking were like their O2 and CO2. They did it constantly- nonstop!

I mean, i'd had friends who smoke and drank, but this was nuts. Every conversation was about weed, ciggarrettes, and booze. Their all, revolved around those three devils. Their addictions were their lives. And denial was their key. You couldnt get these people to see it.
They fought everyday- and no i dont mean every other day. I mean- everyday!
Grown folks, fighting over cancer sticks ever day, day in , day out! fighting became the norm.


Kimani's story gets exhausting. Recounting it makes me want to cry. Makes me want to find him, and inject the regreats, memories, moments right back into him. So he can have it all- have it all... i dont want none of it.I'd like to say, "Kimani, take your shit back." Because even thinking about it, tires me. The rest'll have to wait for another day.

Kimani episodes 1

I remember Kimani.
With all these issues going on in Blogville, how could I not?
Kimani....
I remember us meeting...

It was a friend's christmas party in 2002. I was working that day, and really didnt want to go.
But i decided to go; since i really had nowhere else to go to. Besides, i was getting a ride, my sister and her boyfriend(now her husband), were dropping me.
So after work, i got dressed at work and got dropped off at my friend's house.

i remember that very moment; the moment i hopped out of the car.
I remember that moment, because since then, my life has never been thesame.

I went up the elevator into their apartment. When i got there, i was welcomed well. I sat down, soon my friends saw me and came to sit by me. It was cool. And me being the "tunnel-vision-chick" that i am, i really hadnt looked around yet. My friends asked me if i wanted to eat and i said "no, thats okay". i just sat quietly and listened as everyone else mingled. From time to time, the host would come to me saying "oh Truth, why arent you talking? why arent you dancing? you're a party animal, whats going on"? and so on... i'd just smile. But then i realised, that although i felt eyes on me, i could tell a pair of those eyes, belonged to someone who was crushing?

Am i the only one who can feel when people staring at them, and also WHY they're staring? i sometimes can. its odd.

At times, i'd get stares (i never looked back at these peole. remember- i've got tunnel vision. Besides, i never thought i'd ever be with a Nigerian man. Why? because i found them stereotypical.), and it'd be for different reasons "oh, i wonder who that is", "why isnt she mingling?", "who is she?" "what a snobby bi@*ch." "why would she wear that?, its too revealing". yes, i felt all their thoughts on me. But the one that stood out- was the one that kept gazing, gawking at me, at intervals! he was stealing a sight of me like a little thief- that stare said "i want to meet her- shes cute." That was Kimani's.

I looked over, and our eyes met. He looked away instantly. I like that- i love intimidating men. You can be bold after we meet, but let me own this moment- and own it i did.

As he looked away, i surveyed his looks. At the time (and even now,) i loved eclectic hair styles in men. I looked over at his hair- it was short, twisted. i liked that. And knew immediately, that i'd meet him later. Then all of a sudden, i saw him asking the host questions. I couldnt hear it, but i knew the conversation was about me. A little while later, the host's brother (who by the way, had tried earlier that year to get with me- we talked on the phone and i realised that he was just not my type, and stopped calling him) walked towards me, telling me he wanted me to meet someone. I said "sure", and walked outside into the hallway, with him. and there he was-


Kimani; 5'7, dark chocolate skin that just made me want to have a Hershey, high extrememly defined cheekbones that sucks in at an angle, to meet his lips, and the thickest, cleanest eyebrows i'd ever see on a man- this man was beauty.

But he'd ruined it. I forgot to note the signs that he had ruined himself- like his extremely dark lips, his highly pigmented cornea, his mildly rough skin, his attire- that spoke millions of variations of words meaning- "ghetto". I didnt see all of that. If i had, i would've foreseent he doom to come.

Remembering... Kimani

I dont know whose story is longer; Kimani or Chads'.
To remember Kimani is to uncover a lot of bottled emotions. But! i know Kimani MUST be remembered because he is one man thats had the most negative impact on my life, EVER. But like anything thats bad for you, Kimani's story has a happy ending (the happiest being that i havent seen him in YEARRRRSSS)

Why am i remembering Kimani?
i mean, why today? out of all the days, why now?
why?

because today, i was treated like Kimani told me i'd never ever ever ever ever be treated by a man.
as TBS hopped out of my bed spontaneously like an easter bunny last night and said "babe, you're amzing!"
i thought to myself; thats odd, Kimani was SO sure i'd never be wanted nor be good in bed.

as TBS suddenly paused in the middle of a thrust, gasping for air, moaning the words "babe, you're so sexy"
i remembered Kimani's words. They echoed "i'm the only one that'l ever want you" in my head

as TBS called me from work to tell me he loved me, i smiled. Remembering just how long the love has been and how much stronger it seems. I remember Kimani, continuously saying "No one else can ever love you"

and i laughed.

Kimani, your words did nothing but show me just how determined you were, to kill my spirit. I cant say you were blind. No. A blind man would've simply failed to recognize a gem. But a scared insecured man, would see it, yet call it a mere stone, hoping it'd be tossed away, so he may go pick it up later.

Kimani, you've always been such a fool.

Remembering... Nathan

lol this is the most overweight man i'd ever been with.
he was also probably the most unattractive
and the only man who has ever "con"-ed me out of my money.
i ronic, isnt it?

Where we met?
God ican hardly remmeber!
i think we met at my workplace.
i use to work in a clothing store.

He told me he owned a store, which back then, was well known for its selesction of hood-known brand names like Fubu, Louis Vuitton, Rocawear, and the likes...
so yes, i was hooked. i thought i'd hit a jackpot!

so there we were, he'd pick me up in his SUV


brb! TBS at door

My first night with Chad

we went over to his house.
from the outside, it was nice. clean ... hmm...
then he got out of the car...


Chad was a 6'4 slim dark skinned clean shaven low hair cut man.
he wasnt unattractive, but definitely wasnt my type.
I looked at him as he walked ahead of me- his head was quite big. But oh my word! did he ever have a big ass!
there was something else about him... something odd
i wish i had followed my instincts then, but i didnt want to believe it.
what was so "odd" about chad?
lol its a long story...

the house...
it was nice. clean... family home, uncluttered...
i should've known...

He got a movie- "The mummy returns" and we began to watch it
he turned the lights off, and we sat in a love seat
i still remember him stroking the back of my hand
sending spirals of electrolove down my spine
i didnt want him to stop
it felt too good

we got through the movie- hardly
by tthe end of it, we were on the couch, kissing (he was a wet kisser), touching , and damn near fuckin
but it didnt happen

but it almost did
and the rush
plus the juices that softens my vaginal area everytime i recall our experiences to my friends or even in my mind at school,
made me come back so that "it" would happen

On occasions, we would go there, and get into his bed
soon, i started asking more questions:

"whose room is that across from yours?"
my moms'
You live with your mom? ***rolling my eyes in disgust***
yes
how old are you?
27
what? hes 27? so flikin old! but thats the age group i wanted anyway! i was SO sure i was too grown for men my age! so... i peoceeded with the questionnaire...
do you have any kids?
yes
typical black man...

how many?
three
wtf! this man is hooked!
three? by thesame woman?
no
how many women?
two
are you married?
divorced
***long pause and a note to self to never get serious with this guy***

i see, so where's your mom?
at work
does she allow you to bring girls over?
i felt pathetic asking a grown man this, and even more pathetic that he answered it
she doesnt mind
okay

so we got into his bed, as usual... played around as usual... he played with my clit as usual, came down to my clit as usual, and licked delicately as usual.

No one has ever played with me like he did.
Chad placed a curse on me- sexually.

He asked:
whats your fantasy?
to be play raped... (still is)

i should have stopped there and never asked, but i was silly... so i did:

"whats yours?"

he told me... "i want you to pee on me"...

for a minute i thought i heard him wrong. But i didnt. "pee" is what he said.

***ogini? do wetin? u wan mek i urinate pon u? ewo! dis wan na were o!***

from that moment on, i knew Chad was a true freak...
and i was right.

Introducing... the man who started it all; Chad.

16 year old me, walking down the street with Virgo on our way from school
it was in the evening, and with us being so young and looking,
It was great when a red car (a car? definitely a plus!) pulled up next to us

This wasnt a suprise, afterall i have that "it"

you know what i mean by "it", right?
....
that "it" is the thing that makes you hear me even before you see me
you feel invincible waves of femininity hitting your senses before you encounter the being that is me
You, get to know that this thing you are about to encounter, is a woman... of... high... esteem!

Chad saw "it" in me.

He pulled over, said hi.
i knew he was talking to me, VIrgo simply stepped a foot behind.
Virgo and i had that understanding; we simply "knew who they were attracted to; even without being told. Chad wanted me. I felt it a mile away.
we talked i didnt want to waste time. i had better things to do...
he had a hot car, but i wasnt about to waste time with a convo.
i flirted, a little. then headed my way. he asked to have my number, but i refused.
"i'll call you if you give me yours"
and he did.
i shouldnt have taken the number.
i knew he was older, but i thought it was the perfect age for me.
the men around me didnt seem to "fit". i knew i wanted a matured man. But not as old as i eventually found out Chad was.

I didnt call Chad. and probably neve would have. Until the night i went home from school and realised i got locked out. I was cheesed. It was freezing cold! i stayed over at the neighbour's house and they made me a cup of hot chocolate. ut i felt uncomfortable. I felt like a burden.

"hmm... you know, that guy could come in handy now"
so i called him.
He picked me up in a jiffy...
and that was my first time really getting to "know" Chad.

Jack Jean-Maygne, its over

I saw this boy walking in the hallway
I couldnt believe it
I knew it was him
I had worked here for 3 years and never had i seen him come there!
and although i knew i looked like shit
i couldnt help it
i had to say hi to Jack

"Jack?" i called out. It seemed like it took 2 years before he looked back and saw me.
"oh my god! wassup?"
"nothin... your mom works here, right?"
"ya how'd you know?"
by word was he ever handsome? i looked around and wondered if my coworkers and clients could tell that i was blushing. i wondered if he could tell... i wondered if he remembered that night...

High school days...

Jack called me over to his place
he looked worried. he came in the back of his house and asked me if i knew what a big dick looked like.
i said "sure"... "of course" ... i wasnt sure but i couldnt show my uncertainty. He thought i knew everything. i didnt want to disappoint him.

"okay, i wonder if i'm big or just normal"
"whoop it out. lemme see..." i said boldly "i'll tell you what size you are"
"no just feel it"
he pulled his baggy pants down a little. well enough for me to see his BULGE.
he then pulled his boxers out by its waist. At this moment, i cursed the night shadows for hiding his dick. i couldnt see it. But i would feel it.

I dip'd my right hand into his boxer, and felt the biggest largest dick i have ever felt.
i couldnt believe he was bigger than my man. I mean... he was only a BOY! i was dating a full grown man! I cursed myself for not being his girl... and then i remembered i still had my hand down his pants and immediately, retratcted it.
I looked up to his face to see him searching my eyes for an answer.
i told him the truth
"you're pretty big"
"really? you think so?"
"ya, quite big"
he was happy. i ran home.
he called me later to make me promise never to tell anyone i touched his dick.
i promised.
and now,
i'm breaking that promise.

why?

Because its over between me and Jean.
when he came in today i saw the crush i had.
i saw the many times i called Jack.
The many times i was told he isnt home, and the many times he never returned my calls.
I saw the night i saw him with a white girl at a festival.
i was looking smashing!
He hardly said hi.
Henry was also there.
He huged me, and gave me a warm "where you been?"
But the girl jack was with.... she didnt look right.
she was tall, white and sleezy
what was he doing with her?

He once came over to my house and had to jump over the fence barefooted to hide at the next door neighbour's fence just because my mom had walked into the house.
My mom probably suspected something anyway since he left his shoes at the front door.
i remember how i fet so sorry for him because he had just returned from the hospital- he had to have an abdominal surgery. i remember how much i appologised when he said my neighbour saw him and freaked out at him.
I remember how much i wanted him.

...And how much he wanted my friend; Niki.
he wanted her, but couldnt have her.
she belonegd to a social class that he could only dream of.
i remembered being his ticket to his freedom out of the social class he was in.
he had taken pics that i had circulated around the school- these pics showed just how hot he was.
lots of girls saw the pics and said
"is that Jack?"
"thats Jack? are you kidding me? hes so cute!"

i remember me telling him what the girls were saying. and i remember watching him blush every single time.

so tonight when i said
"oh, jack give me a minute..." as i returned to my duties,
and he replied "okay"
i shouldnt have been suprised.
but i was.
i was suprised to realise that Jack didnt wait.
When i went to say hi to his mom (but i really just wanted to see Jack),
he had left.

so me and jack, ... we're over.
jack never saw what i had for him.
he was my best friend.
my first guy friend.
i would have done so much for him.
the longest crush i ever had.
but it didnt matter
because, he never even knew.

Remembering... Jack Jean-Maygne

Jack...
ohhh jack...
Jack is a friend i met at school
i had just transffered to a new high school
and i had seen Jack around the school
but Jack didnt catch my eye
neither did anyone else really
I was battling my own troubles,
enough to make me blind to the men around me

But jack
ohhh jack...
Jack started talking to me at school.
When he noticed i lived up the street from him
i'd bump into him on my way from school
and he had such a sweet smile
and although he wasnt one of the popular boys
i saw his beauty
he was so fine
i saw Jack.

But Jack didnt see me.
or did he?

Jack had a childhood friend named Henry. They were like twins. I had a thing for him too. Didnt dare tell anyone. didnt wanna ruin the friendship between us.

But i should have. Because a mutual friend later told me years after graduation that his twin had the bggest crush on me, but he couldnt tell me ... aint dat sad? i saw him a year ago at the local movie theatre. he didnt look thesame. he also didnt care thesame. said "hi" to me like i wasnt nothing. so i replied "how are you?" to him like he was almost forgotten. thats the end of the story of me, and Henry.

At this time when i knew Jack and Henry, they were friends with my female friends in school. I was dating a much older photographer, and he had taken some nude professional (reaaally nice) pics of me. I being the daring silly shameless girl that i can sometimes be, decided to bring the pics to school, and show them to these friends. They werent my friends for real. They passed the pics onto Jack and Henry. I was upset and disappointed. I ran after Jack and Henry, embarrassed and desperate to recover the pics before they too disappoint me, by showing the pics to other people. They didnt.

They called me aside, asked me to catch ma breath (it was strenuous running after the two guys), and simply asked questions about who took them, when and similar Qns. They complimented me (boys will be boys), and asked if they could have copies (again, boys will be boys). i refused blatantly. They gave up, returned my pics and that was it.

But our friendship continued.
I and Jean got closer. He'd confront me about his girls (which was hard since i wanted him), which were usually light skinned (usually not black), long hair, skinny, pretty, chicks... i knew i wasnt his type. I'd always give him honest advises and my advises always worked. He even went as far as recommending Henry to speak with me when he had "girl issues". It was cool.

I liked them both.

Jack for his skin tone, his pretty face, and his height.
Henry had the charisma. Oh ma gawd! he was so sweet.
Henry had the ability to make me laugh till my ribs ached.
He never said it, but i knew Jack envied Henry for this because
Although Henry was obese, he had girls wanting him
because he had that "thing"... he was charismic
Together, they were perfect.
And I was in love.