Reflecting on my 2010 (... candidly).

January


Sex: I had sex with my ex on the fourth... in my sister’s bed. That last statement could have easily gone down below in the “Regrets” section because I sure as hell almost wish I had not however, the consequence of my action is that I now, know better. Never will I ever have sex with that dude ever again. The sex was not worth a quater of the issues that came as the aftermath. While sexing him, the condom broke and being a non-believer in the use of Day-After-Pills, I didn’t use one. I remember he prettymuch threw the money at me for me to go get one. To be honest with you, I couldn’t believe that that was thesame TBS. Oh well, that was me and sex for January.
Health: My health in January was alright, I guess. Other than my regular acne that was under control, the only other issue was that I thought that I was pregnant. After our little sex-thing, my ex and I didn’t “jive” anymore because I seriousl y thought that I was prego. I didn’t get my period (though it was due to appear that same week) till the 29th of January. When I told him that I was pregnant, he laughed and didn’t call for a while... till my birthday. Hmm... lets just say that things have not been thesame. No, I was not pregnant... my period was just extrememely late. This may’ve been due to some hormonal imbalances or maybe I really was in the process of conception but the process was interrupted for one reason or another. Eitherway, my health issue in January was more of a mind one. I was confused and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought that I was pregnant and I (just in case) even looked into an abortion clinic because the thought of having to be pregnant with school or be a student and a mother scared me. I was to abort by February 14, if I would be and if I was pregnant. This would’ve been my first abortion.
Love: Similar to the distance between never-never-land and reality, this four-letter-word was farrrrr farrrr from my mind. I was bitter at myself and had lost my faith in love. TBS was the only dude that I ever thought had true love for me but with him disappointing me well,... I became sceptical over the whole love thing. Very unusual for me but in January 2010, I was not in love with anyone at all, though I was still communicating with Telly (my old Texan friend).
Memories: Not much else for memory other than that and me leaving the student council at school. We had an election and I went up against another candidate for presidency, and lost. That was alright but I did not believe in this girl’s ideas and neither did I subscribe to her “ i care for the students” theme. I felt like she had more egotistical beliefs and had a authoritative way of leading. I was more authoritarian in my ways and I felt like the council was becoming more of a “clique” (a friendship meeting) than an actual organization. I tendered my resignation and left the council as quietly as I ever joined, after two years.
School: School was starting to kind’a look hard. With 5 cources (keep in mind that 3-4 is considered full time) I was starting to see that “shit, I’ll actually have to really try hard to make it through this semester”. A tough factor to deal with was my fianancies that were extremely minimal. Just couldn’t get to pay for school so that didn’t help. I began to work alot less too, because school was very strenuous and time consuming. Working less didn’t help because it only made the situation worse. I got distressed financially and socially.
Joy: Also far from me. Instead of joyfulness, I had hopefulness. I did not want whatever was brewing to brew. I focused more on September 2010 (when I’d have to have the baby) and it looked so gloom.
Regrets: I was still regretting ever inviting the girl I went up against to presidency (we’ll call her Mindi) to the council (to be honest, I didn’t mean to invite her, I meant to invite her friend instead, and only). Also regretted ever sexing TBS again.
Accomplishment: On January 29, I got my period and accomplished something beautiful: the realization of the fact that now, I had been given another chance. Also, giving up the council was VERY difficult because I didn’t trust who I was leaving it to, and didn’t believe that my work on it would be sustained because the new leader had a different view of things however, I had to realize that I was not the council and that the council was not me and also that this was not my goal when I enrolled back in school in the first place...I had more pressing issues so I did it and that to me, was an accomplishment.


February


Health: I was starting to notice a pattern in me. I had a new professor who I had dreaded even before taking her course. In January, I started a four-month course with her and by February, was shaking in my boots. She intimidated me but I thought “oh well”. My physical health was alright until I went for my pap test and was told that I had abnormal cells. I was to go for a second test. Also, on the 17th of February, I had an accident with my car (it involved black ice, car rolling over, and night time... not pleasant) that ended up leaving me carless because it was totalled. In conclusion, I was afraid of this but I didn’t pay much attention to it because slowly, I was starting to feel “sad” about other things... finances, loss of my car, isolation and school, to be exact.
Love: I got a break from my dark days when I jumped town for my march break (which happened to be in February). On valentine’s, I fell in mini love with a dude at a party and please note, that the word “mini” was typed there for a reason. I was enthralled into him...looks, and knowledge (not intellect, but knowledge) and charisma... all that. I wanted so bad, to have him but I knew that I didn’t live there and neither did he. We both were strangers in another’s city. I was not available (due to my instability) and neither was he, for thesame reason. I thought... I’d do him, but I wont be able to. Lets call this do, “Teeth”. Tolly (my Texan old frined) was still int he picture.
Sex: Teeth was staying at his friend’s house and we went over there on Valentines, and did it. Okay, this is one hell of a significant event for me because I’d tried SOOOO MANY TIMES in my life to have a one night stand and I just never could! Well, I broke that streak that night... and it was good, though I didn’t come... and yes, we did it in his friend’s bed. Hmm... i see a pattern here.
Joy: I had thought that I’d be aborting on the 14th, instead, I was making love. Imagine the irony! I was glad that I had a choice to do something else other than having my womb scraped out *urrrgh*.
Money: I had none. Honestly. I think I finally received some $ for my car from the insurance company in March.
Memories: I had met a girl online a few years ago and she decided to come down to town and we got to meet. I went out partying with her and we also went thrift shopping. I was so glad to have finally, met her. In addition to her, I met her beau (one of my worst enemies at a point in my life) who I knew and had prayed never to give the benefit of meeting me but well, I did get to meet him that one time, for her sake. We’ll call her “Nini” and him, “Bean”. I also met a friend at thesame party where I met Teeth... we’ll call her “Natu”.
Regrets: Meeting Bean. He’d text me stupid things for months to come (he got my number because Nini had called him with my phone once). I eventually changed my number at the end of the year and rid my life of his stench. Never again! Another was doing it in Teeth’s friend’s bed. I shouldnt’ve. Nuffsaid. Also, I stayed with Teeth that night and ended up missing my hair appointment. That was a mess! I hated that. I totally regret not checking the weather before driving on the 17th.
Accomplishment: I got to get over my fear or inability to have one night stands. I got to escape my gloom too... taking the week off to that city, shone a ray of light into my life because I had been so gloomy for so long.



March


Health: Poor. I was so sad. Slowly, depression crawled in bed with me and we’d do it every night and sometimes, all day... for hours... for days. I had claudication in my legs and although I’d had this for years, walking to school reminded me daily, that I shouldn’t take the realization for granted.
Love: I was in love with a guy I met online who lived in London, England. I didn’t think that he was physically it, yet I loved his way with words. I admired him... and liked that he was in love with me. Lets call this dude Bunk. I didn’t love Telly, yet I stayed in contact with him.
Sex: None.
School: I could barely make it to work at all and school? Now that I had no car, I wasn’t going to school as often. The bus system was awful (twice an hour at rush hour) and the weather was freezing. With the claudications in my legs, it wasn’t pleasant to walk to school even when I had enough energy to get out of bed... on days when I’d go to school, I’d feel so inferior, “stupid” and got really good at hiding my sad demons. This was my toughest semester.
Joy: None other than Darque, my dog.
Money: I got money for the car that I had crashed, and tried not to spend much of it (ha!). I paid off some minor loans that I had and asked a friend for help to get a new (used) car.
Memories: Dark days, no cars, Darque, and that one assignment I had at school that took so much of my time and boy was it ever difficult.
Regrets: Crashing my car! Arrrgh!

Accomplishment: Managing to live without a car... and making it to school on days that I did.



April


Health: I had forgotten about my pap test result and the need for a follow-up test till this month. To be honest, I didn’t care. If I did at all, I secretly wished that whatever it was could slowly, kill me. The thought of death was on my mind, constantly. On April 24th, after an exam for which I barely answered any questions at all, I attempted to find a means to end my life but the string with which I tried, was not stable enough. I called Bunk and my sister afterwards and called 911 shortly after. This day doubles as both my “rock bottom” day and my most embarrassing day as my old boss (for when I used to work on the student council) got to see me in my “ball of mess” mode as paediatrics and a cop came to assist me to the hospital. Not only for this reason was it embarrassing... also, the hospital to which I was admitted, was where I worked. The doctor who admitted me, was one that I had and would also be working with in the future. I knew then, that work would never be thesame for me. Her attitude towards me was less than professional and the hospital staff weren’t the most courteous. I received less than dignifying care in the ER and was glad to have that cop with me because he seemed to care. Once admitted to the mental health unit, I was able to retain some of my privacy because it was not the unit on which I worked. I prayed each moment I’d leave my room and everytime they’d have a shift change that no one I knew from my professional setting would see me there, as a patient. Most times, my prayer was answered... other times, they were not. Maybe it was a good thing then, that I was overmedicated for the first few days so that my embarrassment wasn’t so much of an issue to me. Instead, sleep and this one image (that reminds me of a thumb print and and a needle prick-finger cap and childhood, and neon reddish changing colors), did. My mom and my sister came to visit me and I kept in touch with Bunk and Telly.
Love: Telly, thought I was not in love with him, was in the picture, and so was Bunk however, I didn’t have much space in my mind to be truly in love with anyone. However, both Bunk and Telly were aware of my admission.
Sex: None.
School: My most pressing issue (right next to health). I was certain that I would flunk out of one course (was doing well in others, but the one where I had that professor that I had issues with. This was thesame prof who taught the course for the exam that I had not written anything. I was certain that I had failed the course. During the exam, I felt like the prof and I was communicating... more like a one-way communication in which she was telling me that she knew I had failed the exam, and the whole course. I felt like the whole situation was a set-up, to see how bad I could fail. I felt her words in my mind as she slowly mysteriously etched the words “stupid” in my head. I felt like we had sat in the specific chairs we sat in, strategically so that she could have a perfect view of me without making it look too obvious. I felt like this was a conspiracy, orchestrated by her.). At the end of the month, I got my result and other than this course, I had As and Bs. In this course, I had a C; I passed by “0.01%”. Although I had a letter from the psychiatrist to assist me with an appeal for the exam so that I may take it again, I decided not to dare it. I had passed... though with an awful result. At the end of the month on the 22nd, I was discharged. By then, I had met Merina, a student who was also admitted on the mental health unit however, she went to a different school out of town. She was a strength for me in a lot of ways. When she shared her story with me, I felt so selfish and realized two things: 1. If you were to hear your neighbour’s troubles, you’d choose to stick with yours (you wouldn’t want to trade yours for theirs). 2. It isn’t the issues that matter, its your ability to cope with it, that truly does.
Joy: My family came through for me. So did my landlord, who cared for my dog on such short notice. So did my room mate (who I truly find repulsive) and friends.
Money: Still saving the $ I had for my car...spent alot of it, however.
Memories: Dark memories and happy ones as my family came to help and frie
nds too. At the end of it all, I went to spend time at my mom’s house and was alright there for a while. Myself and my sister found a stray dog “Pluto” on the streets and I decided to keep it for a while till it is claimed. Oh well, no one claimed it and If I had been at home, I would’ve kept it, however, I decided I’d let it stay with me till I give it out to the shelter. Eventually, I hit a new wall with my brother who I’d never really gotten along well with. He was cruel to my dog(s) and I called him out on it and well, that didn’t go very well. He claimed he’d kick the dogs out if ever I leave the house without them and I thnk that was enough for me. I called a friend and moved over there with the dogs. I was glad to be leaving the memories of my brother behind. Lastly, my sister and I started. Natu and I hung out with her friend “Dar”.
Regrets: None other than the wish that I had not gotten ill.
Accomplishment: Though woefully, I passed.


May


Health: I was now, on medications and struggling to keep up with them. Not only was I gaining weight at an alarming rate but my sleep was out of sync and I couldn’t remember to take the pills sometimes. Gradually by the end of the month, I started to take it less consistently and more sporadically. Also, I couldn’t find a job just yet and this was an issue for me.
Summer: I went on a trip with two friends to California in the United States. It was fun and probably the highlight of my summer.
Love: I was in love with Bunk and kept in contact with Telly. I wanted to meet Bunk...so bad but the chances were looking really slim. I was not financially stable enough to fund the trip to see him and he was not suggesting that he would so that was that. Slowly, I began to think of him less and less. Also, in this section goes my meeting with Modes, a dude I had met from God knows where! I think I met him online. When I met him in person, I got to realize that I had actually known him about 8 years ago when he’d just moved to this country but lost contact with him... truth is, Id stopped communicating with him because he was just too stagnant and too content with that fact.
Sex: I reconnected with Teeth and although I was not in love with him, we kept having sex. Slowly, I began to lose interest in having sex with him. Although I didn’t have sex with him, I had orals with some dude I met on my trip to Cali and well, it was alright. His dark chocolate skin is to die for though he was mega short  Whats with me and short dudes? Really? I think I do have an attraction to them lol oh well...
School: School was out.
Joy: California :)
Family: In a long email, I wrote a letter to my family and sent it to everyone but my brother and dad since I didn’t have their email addresses. I detailed my feelings on my relationship (or lack there of) with my brother and my reflections on it. I also finally disclosed that I was molested by a family member when I was younger (though I was sure to also note that it was certainly not by my brother nor by my dad). One of my sisters responded with disapproval for some (all?) of the contents and we eventually agreed to disagree. No other responses. I swore to never step foot in my mother’s house again and that family gatherings would have to be done in my absence.
Money: I bought the car, finally. Couldnt drive it however... so I waited. I got a job at the end of the month and also realized that without a second job, I would not be able to make enough to get back into school in September. I didn’t know what to do, really.
Memories: California
Regrets: Having a brother, ever caring why he hated me and ever thinking that he mattered. Oh, and ever including my real address on resumes (it deterred people from hiring me, I think...because it was obvious that I was from out of town).
Accomplishment: Getting a new job.


JUNE


Health: I was feeling better, I suppose. Happiness or (relative) normalcy, was resurfacing. My uncle came to town and after over 14 years, I got to see him again.
Love: I stopped loving Bunk. He’d lied to me about not living at home. How did I know? As I was chatting with him, I heard his mom call in the background and I am not a child so I know that when a mother calls her son who still lives at home, her tone of voice is different from when she calls one who doesn’t. Besides, when I asked where he was, he sad that he was at home yet, the background of the image of him on cam showed that he was in thesame bunk bed he has at home. The wallpaper was also thesame. I then knew, that he’d been lying to me. When I confronted him, he denied it and called me names. When I cursed him out for this, he called me crass. I wont ever forget that. I sent him a message saying that I’d have nothing to do with him. That was the end of it. Hell, I even stopped going to the site where I met him (a forum) because truth is that he’d spoilt the vibe of it for me.
Sex: Somewhat with Teeth but I had become disenchanted. I had never been able to “come” with this dude and I wasn’t in love with him. I decided to end it.
Family: I met my uncle and meeting him further replenished my wish to eventually move back home. Myself, him and my mom went to visit my dad but he was not home. Story was my uncle had called him and received no response so oh well. I fell in love with the idea of having a responsible and loving man as my father. I am not that fortunate. When he left, my neck shortened and my head then, returned from the clouds, into earth. I was my father’s daughter...no matter what.
School: Out.
Joy: Darque. My car. My friends. My family. A friend’s wedding (Mattie) was coming up next month and I was to be a maid of honor. The $ stress of that was pilling up and slowly, I began to realize that people sometimes, pass on their wedding costs to the participants in order to have good enough weddings. Arrrgh! Anyway, this is the “joy” section so I guess I’ve digressed. I reconnected with Beegee, an old friend who also was to be in the bridal train. Being at my friend’s house, it wasn’t easy caring for Darque. Darque caught fleas and this was the hardest thing for me to deal with this summer. I had no money to get her adequate vet treatment so I bought cheap remedies, and made some homemade ones. They didn’t work.
Money: None. Although I was working, I was also owing. The car I bought cost alot of money to fix and “put on the road”.
Memories: There were major issues for the upcoming wedding. Alot of feelings surfaced and I began to see Mattie in a different light. Needless to say, I held my ground. Also, Feather who was to be her maid of honor, was like 10000months pregnant. I thus, began to see my life under a different light. A reflection began.
Regrets: Not calling Beegee to sympathize when her dad passed. I apologised for this and this month, she forgave me.
Accomplishment: I’m not sure.


JULY


Health: not much at all. I’d prettymuch stopped taking my meds and was still relatively sane lol.
Love: Wasnt even thinking about Bunk anymore but Modes was in the picture. That man really TRIED for me. I owe him alot of thanks
Sex: So, I met some dude this month through another dude that I’d met this summer. Lets call this new dude Caghy. Caghy and I met and had sex on our second meeting. He was to be my second one-night-stand. We did the do and then did some more. I knew the moment I did him, that I’d break it off with Teeth... which I eventually did in July. My excuse to him? “I don’t want to fall in love with you, so I’ll have to stop sexing you”. What a lie!
School: Out for the summer.
Joy: My dog. I finally got to take her to the vet and started treatment on her. I also got to get her shots updated (finally!)
Money: Low as hell.
Memories: The wedding was awesome and it just may’ve been worth the stress. My friend Thethe came to the wedding and so did some of my famz. It was fun. Reverse back to the day before... at the engagement. I saw my dad and he made a funny comment saying “...you never call me. You wouldn’t even know if i was ill or hospitalized”. I remembered my April experiences and chuckled as I responded “i agree. Neither would you”, to which he said nothing. He asked me to call him the week after. I didn’t.
Regrets: Not sure if I had any... oh yeah but I did!!! I regret ever sexing Teeth more than once because in my opinion, it was a waste, since he never did make me come.
Accomplishment: Getting rid of Teeth and getting Darque her shots and meds.


August


Health: Alright, I guess. Now, after the storm, I started to rethink about my pap test. I still needed a follow-up test.
Love: I was starting to meet new people. Modes and I had grown apart and he was starting to show signs that he wasn’t in love with me anymore (smart of him)... wasn’t rude but would slowly stop returning my calls or answering calls. I was happy for him that he got over me because I really was not right for him. I fell in likeness and not enough of lust with this tall “Mixed” dude... we decided to give it a go at the end of August. Also, I was really feeling this one dude that I see on a chat site that I frequent. We’ll call him “Isli”, and the mixed dude “Mixed”.
Sex: was sexing Caghy till the end of the month when I met up with him to either break it off or clarify our feelings. I ended up just breaking it up because it was either him or Mixed and unlike him, Mixed was willing to commit. I wasn’t interested in someone for sex because summer was concluding and I wanted someone (my own, someone) to call on when I’m away at school and feeling my usual loneliness. Caghy wasn’t interested, though I didn’t ask him to be mine... I cried. I remember crying..i hated saying goodbye.
School: Was still out and I couldn’t wait to start my third year.
Joy: Darque, and Mixed, and having options. I loved having options... oh, and my mother. She came through for me. Also, my sister graduated.
Money: Had some... but would be going towards school as I got prepaired to start paying rent again. On my job, I gave a silly excuse for resignation (saying that I was moving back home but my story had even more fluff lol). I promised to keep in touch but knew that I wouldn’t.
Memories: My sister had finished school this summer and graduated
Regrets: Doubt that I had any...yet. Oh but I did! I regret not attending my favourite summer festival!!! Accomplishment: I concluded my relationships with those bootiemen 


September


Health: It was hard returning to that same spot where I had tried to end it all in April. What was even harder was that I had a class in that very room, every week. Eventually, I made a new memory in that class and it became just a classroom to me as opposed to a place of parasuicide(?). In some ways, this was an accomplishment. Love: Mixed and I didn’t last... matter of fact, the whole thing dissolved the day before school started. So much for thinking that it would’ve worked. Ohhhh wellllll. I fell in love deeeep with Isli. Isli was poetic, intelligent and tres sexy. I was in love again.
Sex: Nope.
School: I started a course with thesame prof, only this time, I was aware of my demons.
Joy: My darque.
Money: Hardly any at all, though I had a few hundrends from my summer job savings.
Memories: School started to look hard. For school, I had to practice on thesame place where I had been admitted in April. If you thinkt hat that must’ve been akward, you have NO idea.
Regrets: I didn’t regret much but the fact that I was ever sick. I went to work once and felt so akward. I was a wreck. On my way out of work that day, I feared I may never return.
Accomplishment: Going to work...getting over that fear.


October

Health: Not much to note. I started looking into getting an appointment for pap test followup. I booked one for August 2011... it was the earliest appointment I could get in town...what a pity!
Love: Not in love BUT this dude and I started talking... online, again of course haha! He was into BDSM and since I was curious about it too, I became his S and he became my M. I was more dominant than sadistic, to be honest. Lets call this dude “Slav”. Isli and I ended. I learnt never to trust anything that comes my way in the form of online long distance love, ever again. This is somewhat of an accomplishment.I started a project with him online (cant get into details, for anonymity).
Sex: None.
School: I was in a few groups for school and one of them was with two females that I usuall am in groups with and to be honest with you, they sort of suck. They’re underachievers (not by actions but by aspirations, which in my opinion, is the worse kind to be) and thus, were alright with handing in less than great work. This made ithard for me, I’ll agree. I decided not to work on the project by dominating it like I usually do. I’ll let them do as they please and wont do their parts for them (though I ended up doing ome of their parts, regardless). The host of that site started showing interest in me...It made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was married and well, I also knew that what he thought of me, was not what was real...he saw me online. I am not that online character...I am human. This opened my eyes to the possibility that the men I meet through this medium, aren’t what I see.
Joy: It was nice having a companion. Isli was it till it ended, then Slav became it. Darque is always it.
Money: None...again. Nothing new, I guess. i borrowed money from Telly for part of my rent. When I asked him for it, he ignored the request, instead, he figured it'd be a great time to flirt with me and ask me whether or not I'd be his. i figured $275 wasnt enough for me to tell a lie for...not enough for me to brush his ego. Not while I'm only borrowing the money (not like he was giving it to me). I told him I doubt that was the right time to discuss it. He ended up sending the money. I will be paying it back in December.
Memories: I’ll never forget the skype communications Slav and I had. Interesting ones! Regrets: None.
Accomplishment: I made it through this month without going off the deep end.


November


Health: I started to feel “down”. Not much to say about that. I started to feel clouded.
Love: I asked Slav for money once (hardly ever do this, btw) and he disappeared the next day. It was too funny... but not really. What else? I talked to Caghy and he said he asked if I was still in a relationship (as I’d told him when we were endng it, that I was getting with someone new) and I said yes. I know I lied, but if I hadn’t, it would have looked as if I had told him I was getting with someone new in order to get him jealous. Anyway, he said he wished I wasn’t because he wanted someone and I was his best bet...didnt know what that means exactly. Oh well. He then told me that he met a girl at church that he was crushing on. He was going to see her again the next day (a Sunday). I called him afterwards on Sunday and then two more times but he never did answer myc all nor return them. I knew then that he was gone and stopped caling him; even deleted his number all together. That was it.
Sex: None.
School: This semester was hard and having to meet that Prof every week didn’t help. I figured that I better realize that I wont be making straight As this semester. Oh lawd! BOOOOOOOOO!
Joy: I came to my mom’s town and left my dog there since my brother was already out of the hosue and away at school and it was too cold to bring my dog with me back to school. Being away from her was nice because I didn’t have to walk her BUT it was tough because I didn’t know what was up with her.
Money: None
Memories: my days are darkening.
Regrets: Having only stayed with thesame group for school work and since the people are so bad with school work, being in a group with them was counterproductive. We almost failed our project.
Accomplishment: was there any? Maybe ? I stayed alive...i guess. I was so clouded though, geez!



December


Health: I lived in my mind alot these days. The month began with me being so lost. #1. I looked around me and everyone was either married, married with kids, had kids (rare without marriage) or about to get into one of those groups. I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want kids, yet I felt inadequate. #2. I was still without my Bachelor degree and that too, made me feel less than adequate. #3. I didn’t watn to stay in this country and i knew it’d be hard to find a partner who felt thesame. I was lost... in my state of confusion I turned to blogville to find an old blogfriend of mine. I actually logged on here o see if I'd find a way to contact her but...couldnt. Ironically, I saw that she too, had left a message, asking me to contact her. She asked me to email her but I couldnt as I couldnt find her email and because of my annonymity (hope am still anonymous), I couldnt leave my email on herefor her to contact me. I ended up logging off, disappointed. I was still so confused, lost and scared. To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel till the 24th when I sent my feelings in an inboxed FB message to two strangers on FB (these two females that alghouth I hardly ever communicate with, have known for years after meeting them online). Dont know why i decided to send them such a message that was so personal, but I did and am glad I did because they were able to relate. Communicating with them was really medicinal... it cleared my worries and made me feel “normal” and as if i was on the right path. I learned that (from this experience) it is important to have the right people around you, at the right times.
Love: Not much. Telly asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I told him its ridiculous that he'd even ask me considering him and I were yet to meet. I'd known this man for about 6 years and although he lived just one country over, we had never met. I refuse to fund my way there ... never believed in funding my flight to see a dude. He too, had never offered so I've left the issue as is. Not much else happened in the "love" category till the end of the year. I met with TBS and we went out to eat at an upscale restaurant but the kitchen was closed so we did drinks. I got to see that TBS could actually dress up! But not even that could make me want him. On the 29th of the month, Chaghy contacted me, saying he wanted to be with me. Dont know how much I believe it but... we met up at a bar and talked. I got mega turned on...
Sex: ... and I had sex with him the next day. It was magical ahhhh! While at his place, I had this urge to look through his stuff out of distrust for him. I never used to be that way but I was overwhelmed by this feeling... this “odd” feeling. I remembered the time when an ex of mine had left me at his house and while away, i looked through his computer for pics (innocently, not searching for anything) and through there, I found out that he was not only married but with a new baby. I realized then, that your experiences do mold you. I was a changed woman. I looked through Caghy’s old pay stubb... nothing much since he’d already told me how much he got paid. Wanted to look through other stuff but I thought didn’t...i got busy with folding his clothes instead. Whew! I wonder if this is significant but i’d mention it just in case: he told me he was last with anyone (sexually) about a month ago yet, i saw a condom wrap on his floor. No, it wasn’t the one we used.
School: I did less than I wished but better than I “had to”. The significance of this semester is that I had been this far before in thesame program. Only difference is that my grades are much better so that this time I wont have to go back to start over.
Joy: I got to see my Darque again. I also got to spend time at my sister’s and meet the new addition to our family: Ambition(my sister)’s husband. Also got to spend Christmas with my family... I’m blessed.
Money: None. I mean it. And to make matters worse, school was about to restart (expenses galore), my rent was due and I was yet to pay Telli back. Hmm... I wonder if thats why he had not been calling me. Oh well, I dont care so much because to be honest, Telli and I have been talking for years with nothing tangible to show for it so really if he decides to stop chatting now, it'll be just as good a time as any. Besides, the more I see the dude's pics on FB, the more I get acid reflux and no, it isnt because he is hot... he isnt. (God forgive me for I have sinned!)
Memories: Christmas. Though I’d said I wouldn’t attend anymore family gatherings, I did. I didn’t want to not only because of my brother, but also because I had no $ to purchase gifts for anyone but i went anyway.
Regrets: That my sis isn’t being straight with me...she is angry and I know, yet she wont be straight about it because what she is angry about, is pretty petty (at least, thats what I think). She is angry becuse when I went to her town in November, I didn’t give her a call. I thought that was normal for me to do!!!
Accomplishment: I spent time with family and got to realize that I am normal afterall and finally, I got to complete this reflection.
Last 2010 hours: I spent it with a bestie of mine. We ate, and talked and reflected. I am so proud of her for letting the horrible men in her life go this year. Also, I disclosed my April ordeal to her and for the last time this year, I cried. Finally, I can move on to 2011 with love in my heart, hope on my mind and my eyes up, watching God.

Shaken

I'd often say that nothing moves
without energy
The wind with effort, forces a leaf from its tree
and with that, it moves
This same wind
though unperceivable to the pores
reminds me, that I too, am just a thing
And therefore, not exempted
From its forces

De-energize this wind, lord
So that I may stay grounded
And walk at my own pace; move at my will
I dont want to be blown
I beg that you consider
What it took for me to stand
And de-energize this wind, lord
I dont want this to end
I am not ready to let go
After all my work
I am not ready to quit.

De-energize this wind, lord
Cut its circuits, neutralize its electrons
Do whatever needs done
I dont want to be shaken
Fear of being blown
Being made a nonentity
Suffer through life missing what could have been
I want to go on
And become what I have for so long, wished for
Stired, maybe?
Definitely shaken.
But please, de-energize it in time.
Do not let it blow me away.

No way to redeem.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

Your neighbour's laundry.

It was just meant to be a simple walk. I was to go over to my friend's house with Darque and we'd have a great time walking around the neighbourhood... whatever... the usual. This friend of mine had just graduated too so it was to be like a celebration walk sorta thing. I got Darque's waterbottle, her leash, and we headed out.

We stayed there a bit. Had dinner... that she bought since homegirl never cooks (yeah, she's white... however did you manage to know that?), and headed out. We hadnt even walked a block when we saw this dog that Darque used to know... along with her ownerwho also used to dogsit Darque.

And you thought you had issues "1":
This owner AKA soon-to-be-18-year-old girl, grew up with her mom and her mom's bf. Daddy wasnt in the picture (whats new? and no... he isnt black). Mr. BF used to molest her, rape her and among other things, make her do sexual stuff to her barbies... (wait, i think i got the story mixed up here... i dont know for sure if he used to be the one doing dirty things to her barbies or if he used to make her do them). Anyway, the cherry on the cake? She is delayed. Yeah,... she is urr, how do i say... umm... "behind"? Okay... she is almost 18, but she operates at about a 13 year old's level. Okay, hopefully you got the pic now.

This girl's life would make a ridiculous movie (for lack of a happy ending) but a greta book (also, for lack of a happy ending). She was sent to live with her aunt who has been caring for her since she was about 15. Trouble is, she does the craziest things. She lies like there is no tomorrow. You can both be staring at the sky in Abidjan the middle of november and she'd sell you snows. And you, you'd buy it not because you're blind or you cant tell that it never snows in Abidjan (at least, not yet but with the way the climate is changing so drasticlaly these days, any damn thing can happen!), but because this girl is that great a liar. Her lies and her mischievious ways has caused her to be kicked out of the house. Yes, her aunt kicked her out. And i know it sounds bad, but what are you going to do with a kid that runs away from home, never goes to school (the schools always calls home asking for her since she didnt show up for her classes but she denies it even after they call, claiming she was there while they were calling!), never cleans, ...
Anyway, so my friend (the one that just graduated) adopted her. That lasted a few months. My friend got sick of it because again, she'd lie up storms in the middle of the dryest desserts. It even started to affect our relationship a little too because when Darque would be over there (remember the girl used to dogsit for me and since she was living with my friend, she would dogsit over at my friend's place?), she wouldnt clean up after Darque and as much as my friend likes Darque, it wasnt fair to her especially since i used to pay miss thing for having her there! I stopped needing her services since is started leaving Darque at home by herself...anyway, now she got kicked our from my friend's house and she had to move back in with her aunt. Problem is, she has until she turns 18 to move out.

She'll be 18 in May :(
Her life is in God's hands.

And you thought you had issues "2":
As all five (Darque, the other dog, my friend, me, and the ex-dog sitter) of us were there, another really cute pure qhite dog came along with a female owner. We got to talking to this owner and you wouldnt believe it. Okay, let me tell you...

I've been told i'm crazy because: my dog has her own room, the wall color, the litter bin (yeah, shes litter trained... i'm too damn lazy to walk her half the time... okay maybe MOST of the time), her food and water bowl are thesame shade of pink, she's got a Fendi bed, about 5 sweaters, one jacket, the cutest toothbrush, cutest pair of shoes, SO MUCH toys,...
But apparently, i'm not half as crazy as this woman that had the white dog. The dog was beautiful, much older and very very well mannered. She would play with you if you play with her, she wouldnt just jump on you, she lays down and waits whenever her owner wasnt moving... (as opposed toDarque who barks at strangers UNLESS they pet her, jumps up to people's faces to kiss them, licks strangers ears, barks at random dogs and runs when they retaliate...). Anyway the woman andi got to talking and you wouldnt believe it!

SHE HAS A DOGGIE WALKER AND A CAR SEAT for her dog. And when you go in her place (yeah, she invited us over), the only pics on the walls are of her and her dog! She has no couch, no TV, just two (wooden) chairs and a big carpet for her dog, the foodbol and water bowl, a crate and... she is crazy! NOT ME! But i liked her lots. SHe was very generous. She gave Darque bows for her hair, sweaters and golf shirts, treats, a ball for toy...

Anyway, back to her personal story. Her parents divorced after a 5-yearmarriage because her daddy was too abusive. But the abuse didnt stop then. After he left, her mom became REALLY abusive.

How abusive, you ask?
To the point where whe'd drown her when she'd get angry,
beating
Javex down her throat for crying...

When she was 17, she was pulled out of school...
When she was 18, her daddy got credit cards in her name, maxed them out, yet wouldnt pay for them...
At 20, she declared backrupcy.

She eventually moved out with the clothes on her back; her friends couldnt tak eit anymore, they helped her out. She got three jobs,and its been hard but shes been alive so i guess thats a great thing.
At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history. its been over a decade, yet the trauma is clearly visible in her life.At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history.

If i dont curb my anger, i will never have kids.
God please dont let me ever become such a monster.

I'll leave you with these words that a co-worker said to me earlier this month
"If you knew what your neighbour was going through, you would never want to swap your troubles "

My goodness, these nightmares!

Had a dream that Yugi died. And though i was told in the dream, i didnt believe them. I have a cousin with a similar name so it didnt bother me as much. Then i was on my way out to some party. I remember i was wearing a pair ofred shoes (that i dont even own in real life) and these black tappered pants (dont have those in real life neither) and a redtop. I was about to leave the house when someone told me and it finally sinked in.

I couldnt get myself to cry. But i wished he hadnt passed.

He had suposedly gone in for a check-up, only to be retained there at the hospital for colon cancer. He lived only three days after that.

And i remember thinking some thoughts in my dreams,trying to make sense of it all... Dada had wanted a boy... they wouldnt stop having kids till they got one, and eventually they did. And the boy lived till he was in his twenties?!
life didnt seem to make sense.
And at that moment, i thought about how humans sometimes wants things that may not be meant for us... yet we want anyway...

I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the things i dont understand... hence why i belive in life, and ultimately, in God.
I dont believe that thie dream means my brother will die, or that he would get colon cancer... but this like every dream that i have ever had, meant something.

So i pray that whatever battles i dont know of, God continues to fight them for me. And i wont try to decipher the meaning of that dream. I'll just remind God that my life is in his hands.

My day yesterday

Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.

here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.



Back to how my day went yesterday...

So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol

Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.

While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.

Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?

*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*

Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless

So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.

I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.

But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.

I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(

I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.

Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.

Oh God, my life is in your hands.

Mr. license plate # "BEAD 111"

I want to write you a "thank you" not to you, since you'll never read this. But to destiny, to your life, to your future.
I want to bless you, as you have blessed me.

You didnt know me. I was just a mid-twenty year old black girl, in a car, approaching you for help.
What you didnt know is that i have been in that same spot for an hour. I dont know what the weather man said but my toes were frozen so much that they were starting to feel like open sores. They were "peperish"!
A minute before you showed up, i called for a tow truck; i would have to wait for 2-3 hours!
How would i do that? I was already frozen!

My fingers were bricks. Couldnt feel my toes. Who asked me to wear heels? Why didnt i wear better boots?

I approached you and asked you for help.
You took the time and helped me.

Mr man, it took us an hour! First you shoveled the snow so my car would have room to move tom then you asked for some boys to help us push the car, we got it pushed then you gave me a boost.

All the while someone was calling you ... your wife maybe? You must have had somewhere else to go.
Neverthelss, you took the time to help me.
You did not have to.
I was frozen... neither one of us had gloves on.
Mr haitian man with License plate # "BEAD 111"!!!
I bless you.
Have you got kids? i bless them!
In the name of the one and only God that created us, i bless your future!
All that is meant to be good, will be yours!
People like you, make me love humanity. Make me never want to complain. You are a gem, and i pray that you will meet favours in all your ways.
Amen.

A cry i cant seem to hear

North east of ma 'censtor's land
rhyming to the beats of a world gone wrong
weeps a cry i cant seem to hear
and i hope to someday spell help
to someday spread aid
in ways never before done
weeps a cry that i cant seem to bear
but i am one, you are two
three,
four,
five...
thousands of billions of us that have eloped
and we never look back
long enough to quit blogging
long enough past the news flashes
long enough to get out there
long enough to get this tear shed
long enough!
to mourn the dead and lost
in Darfur.

And to think that could'a been ma motha
she coulda been your "nana"
and he could'a been the brotha i never had
and they! THey! THEM down there laying dead in them pits!
one'a dem
yeah, might've been the one with four resected digits
the one with one shot to the knee- bled till the eve of the day
the one that lost hope; died under the ghastly bodies
or the one that had a few short flashes of a 8year worth lifetime
the child that never saw it coming...
... till he woke up at the gates...
and maybe there will he get some rest!!!
but it is so damn troubling!
because that child, that there laying lifeless all dismembered in that desert!!!
that one nameless "DOE" of the multitude
that could be me
i could'a been that
and they, they coulda been me
somewhere south Europe, northeast of Tunisia
could'a been the ones blogging
sending an e-nudge to herself disguised as a call to you
to get help to get up to get hopeful enough to get going
or at least, to feel sorry enough
to mourn the dead and lost
to mourn the lives that are yet to die
and the ones that may survive
in Darfur

There must be someone up there yonder...

Having a good laugh at this joke.
So i get an apple, with no teeth to bite with
the moment that apple rots, i toss it in the garbage,
alas! my teeth start to grow!

life is a big ol joke.

Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday

I started off my day weird!
i woke up late around 1pm, Nat had called and she was warning me about my lateness
"If you dont start the turkey early, you know it wont be ready by the time they get there, right?"
And do you think i listened?
So i went downstairs in the basement to get the car so i can go across the street to the mall to shop for the stuff i need to stuff the turkey
i figured i'd drive even though the store is just across the street, just in case i ended up purchasing more than i anticipated. I hate dragging so much stuff home across the street. I'd rather drive.
I went to the basement to the parking lot only to find my car missing.
Chineke mo!
i tell you; all i could think of was that my car had been repo'd because i havent paid my car loan dues for last month! I was almost crying when i remembered that i had parked the car in front of my building last night.
i blew out one long breath of thanks to God in the form of Co2 as i went back into the elevator to go to the ground floor. Yes, my poor old car was there. Thank God!
So i got into the car, back up so i could get out of the parking spot and heard a funny "bang!"
Jesu!
i looked out to see i had hit the red van behind me.
My heart nearly jumped out my nose as i litterally picked up a piece of paper and wrote
"I just hit your car. Please call me at (564) 673-8564" It took me at least 30 seconds to write that-my hand was shaking so much. I didnt even think, all i could imagine was a big dent in the back of my poor car and an even bigger dent in the front of the red van.
I went to stick the note on the red van and decided to take a look at the damages-
zero, zit, nada, ofo, nothing at fucking all!
not a dent, not a scratch, nothing!
I just jejely returned to my car and CAREFULLY got out of the parking spot, to the mall.
So! i got to the mall, decided to get my wallet and realised i had left it at home. So instead of driving back and forth, i just walked back home to pick up my wallet and walked back to the mall to shop.
I shopped and got back home before realising that i had LEFT the car at the mall!
I wont kill myself, i tell you. If my head wasnt attached to my neck, i know i'd forget it somewhere. I mean, who forgets their car at the mall?!?

So that was a great start for my thanksgiving day!
Forget that the turkey wasnt cooked by the time the guests arrived at 7pm because i had only started baking it at 4:45pm
Forget that no one including myself ate the turkey slices in their dinner plates because it tasted like rubber ( as per it wasnt cooked lol)
Forget that i had to pop the half backed thing back into the oven for a second bake
It was my first time hosting my family thanksgiving dinner,
And my first time doing an almost great job of it

For most of them, it was their first time seeing my new place and they all loved it!
Reminded me why i had chosen to live here...
We danced, we ate, we laughed
I made shrimp ceaser salad which Fierce's husband litterally made "baa" noices to (like a goat) because he claimed i was making him animal food...
I made the turkey with wild rice,celery, bead and onion stuffing and honey-orange glaze
Fierce made garlic-herbed spagetti, banana bread and chocolate cake with toffee-nut topping
Mom made beancake (moimoi) and jollof rice
Ambition made shrimp fried rice

10 people in here (myself included). We had enough food to last us through Katrina


By 8pm we were mostly all so tired
The eveining ended at 10:45pm after we had danced ourselves to exhaustion

I went to sleep at 1am only to have a dream about Kimani (tufiakwa), TBS (WTF!) and some (imaginary?) boyfriend of mine. I tell you, dreams are so silly!

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank God for my life, for my family, for my friends and for my love of self.

Lord, give me the strength

to get through this.
Let your will be done
in this voyage of mine.

reminder to you

i said my piece and moved on
then he came
and then her
and i dont know but to aid
so aid i did
and....
yet...
nothing
okay you know i'm not upset,
but i am loosing patience
i can stand being overlooked
but only for so long...
now,
get to it before i really get mad.