To that one lady, Thank you.

Sometimes Mama tells stories. Most times she doesnt. I guess happy stories are easier to share. Mama has very few of those as far as Dada is concerned.

So when she does share these stories, they stick.
Call them crazy glue to the basement lining of my memories, i... remember.
Like this one that i heard when i was little.

Mama, while driving us from school... told us kids... stories. And these times you'd never see her eyes. I dont think i ever saw her cry. But i know Mam's emotions flow through my ducts. I earned these tears from her. I know, she sheds in silence.

I tell you, some things just didnt make much sense.
We were young, we didnt understand. Mama lived in America for years. She went to uni in America. Mama et Dada.

Then they had some kids. And Dada was to go visit back home. And he did.
Then Mama got the mail.

"Some woman wrote me a letter, asking me if its true that he had divorced me!" its (un)funny how shes able to yell it out to us (sometimes). Yet when she hurts, does it oh so quietly.

In an attempt to ensure she would be married to a single man, this lady wrote her a letter to confirm that he had been divorced as he had claimed.
She snooped, got Mama's address, and sent the letter.
I admire her. Back then most women wouldnt care. Even now, some wouldnt. Culture is just an excuse. Truth is, some people just dont ever have the courage to demand better.

Needless to say, they were still married.

"I moved back home immediately. They had almost had the wedding, plannings and everything!"

Thats how she ended up back home.

Years later, somewhere... Dada got his dream. He found a woman who didnt care. She along with her one daughter and a pregnant belly, moved into our home. But Mama sensed it coming. You can take a bitch out of a hood but never a hood out dat bitch.


She had moved back overseas before she arrived.


I want to be that woman.
I want to be the one to tell another...
I would want to be told.
I would want to be informed.

But lord knows its been stressful trying to get a hold of Mrs. Stella Diek.

She never answers the phone. And so, i stopped calling.

And Diek? I stopped caring. Truth is, i hardly ever did. Which is why i was not hurt. I forget about him till friends mention him. Or till i log on to blogville and see his name... or till he calls.

But it must hurt to lose. Or it must suck to be ignored.
He had been trying to contact me on msn and i really didnt know what to say so i just leave him be. But instead, he decided to start calling me continuously.
8,4,3, 10 times a day.

Once i answered and said "Hello" only for him to say "Hi Truth, how are you?"
I hung up. What am i supposed to say? I dont know! Where is the conversation to go? How are you am okay how are you oh am okay too so what are you doing oh nothing so what are you doing oh nothing... LIKE!!! SERIOUSLY!
So, thats why i hung up.

And he resumed calling... always with blocked numbers. And when i answer (hardly do), he doesnt say a word.
A coward cant ever own up.
So i usually dont pick up. And when i cant stand it anymore, i do pick up and just leave the receiver on the table so he can hang up when he is tired of being a Diek.

Mother and Child 1

"Oh how i miss you! there is so much i have to tell you, i have had to grow without you! So joyful to see you...."
.....
but words failed her
sobs interrupted and consoles took her's
but they both understood, communicating without uttering
not one word needed spoken
she said all she had to
all in that one tear that treaked down her cheek
making a pathway for more to come
as she regressed into that girl she was,
5 years ago,
when they had parted.

Back into Mama's arms.


I have so much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday

I started off my day weird!
i woke up late around 1pm, Nat had called and she was warning me about my lateness
"If you dont start the turkey early, you know it wont be ready by the time they get there, right?"
And do you think i listened?
So i went downstairs in the basement to get the car so i can go across the street to the mall to shop for the stuff i need to stuff the turkey
i figured i'd drive even though the store is just across the street, just in case i ended up purchasing more than i anticipated. I hate dragging so much stuff home across the street. I'd rather drive.
I went to the basement to the parking lot only to find my car missing.
Chineke mo!
i tell you; all i could think of was that my car had been repo'd because i havent paid my car loan dues for last month! I was almost crying when i remembered that i had parked the car in front of my building last night.
i blew out one long breath of thanks to God in the form of Co2 as i went back into the elevator to go to the ground floor. Yes, my poor old car was there. Thank God!
So i got into the car, back up so i could get out of the parking spot and heard a funny "bang!"
Jesu!
i looked out to see i had hit the red van behind me.
My heart nearly jumped out my nose as i litterally picked up a piece of paper and wrote
"I just hit your car. Please call me at (564) 673-8564" It took me at least 30 seconds to write that-my hand was shaking so much. I didnt even think, all i could imagine was a big dent in the back of my poor car and an even bigger dent in the front of the red van.
I went to stick the note on the red van and decided to take a look at the damages-
zero, zit, nada, ofo, nothing at fucking all!
not a dent, not a scratch, nothing!
I just jejely returned to my car and CAREFULLY got out of the parking spot, to the mall.
So! i got to the mall, decided to get my wallet and realised i had left it at home. So instead of driving back and forth, i just walked back home to pick up my wallet and walked back to the mall to shop.
I shopped and got back home before realising that i had LEFT the car at the mall!
I wont kill myself, i tell you. If my head wasnt attached to my neck, i know i'd forget it somewhere. I mean, who forgets their car at the mall?!?

So that was a great start for my thanksgiving day!
Forget that the turkey wasnt cooked by the time the guests arrived at 7pm because i had only started baking it at 4:45pm
Forget that no one including myself ate the turkey slices in their dinner plates because it tasted like rubber ( as per it wasnt cooked lol)
Forget that i had to pop the half backed thing back into the oven for a second bake
It was my first time hosting my family thanksgiving dinner,
And my first time doing an almost great job of it

For most of them, it was their first time seeing my new place and they all loved it!
Reminded me why i had chosen to live here...
We danced, we ate, we laughed
I made shrimp ceaser salad which Fierce's husband litterally made "baa" noices to (like a goat) because he claimed i was making him animal food...
I made the turkey with wild rice,celery, bead and onion stuffing and honey-orange glaze
Fierce made garlic-herbed spagetti, banana bread and chocolate cake with toffee-nut topping
Mom made beancake (moimoi) and jollof rice
Ambition made shrimp fried rice

10 people in here (myself included). We had enough food to last us through Katrina


By 8pm we were mostly all so tired
The eveining ended at 10:45pm after we had danced ourselves to exhaustion

I went to sleep at 1am only to have a dream about Kimani (tufiakwa), TBS (WTF!) and some (imaginary?) boyfriend of mine. I tell you, dreams are so silly!

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank God for my life, for my family, for my friends and for my love of self.

Sometimes, you need the craze to get the glue!

I havent seen my family bond so well as they have these past couple of days.
We've spent these past days together. We've come together, to support one another.
Theres been times when i wondered if it would have made a difference if it wasnt Ambition in that hospital bed.
Would it be any different if it was I, for example?
Ambition is well loved. She is blessed with the priviledge of chairing our parent's heart.
And it would have made it easy to envy her if it wasnt her.
But she makes it so hard. So hard to hate her.
I cant.

Ever heard of a coworker that gets awarded for everything- being on time, being conscientous, being the best worker, THEN you meet her only for her to be the nicest person ever?

Ambition is too easy to love.
So although it was hard being her sibling when i was little, i couldnt hate her.
because she loved me, and everyone else so perfectly. She was simple. She was an easy person.


shes getting better and i'm so glad.
Thanks to everyone thats expressed their best wishes, hope you never get to experience this.
Rumour says she might be discharged tomorrow.

I'll conclude with a joke that happened yesterday.
Its funny now but when it happened, it was quite embarrassing.

Okay so picture Ambition, my nephew and neice, my other sister (Fierce), my brother, and a third sister (Aqua) sitting in the living room, talking, laughing, and chilling when my brother in law (Bode) picked up my cell phone from the coffee table.
Hes a jester so i knew he was teasing when he said
"your phone is so cheap, it doesnt even have a camera feature, does it?"
"it does, its a camera phone!"
"oh, so you have pics in it?"
"yeah, check the gallery and then check the images in there for pics"

and so he did.
Now, i know that i have a secret that only I and Fierce knows of in my family.
I take nude pics.
I love nudity and I've often wondered if it'd make a difference if i didnt think i had a nice body. I dont think it would.
Fierce use to beat me for it when i was young. She'd scold me to tears and lecture me for hours and she'd make me rip the nude pics i'd taken- but that was when i was younger. Now i'm older, an adult. She'd lost the right to scold me. She'd lost that fight, bless her soul!
But anyway, Fierce didnt say anything, and neither did i.
i was so sure i didnt have any nude pics in my cam.
I was wrong.

I had China take a nude pic of me a lil while ago- its a pic of me in a fetal position,facing downward, naked but a thong...
yeah, Bode saw it
and flipped it around to show me what he saw, but because i was sitting far from him, everyone saw it.
I tell you, i would've turned purple if i could have, but my wealth of melanin deprived me of such.
Yeah, it was so embarrasing.
My mom was like
" oh my goodness!" "what are you? a stripper, now?!!!"
"sure mom! would you like to watch me strip one of these days?"
needless to say, she didnt reply... My mom is pretty reserved and she'd rather not say much in these sort of instances.
the poor woman was short of words. I dont think i can suprise her anymore.
lol

Anyway, so that was that!

Antie "Twut" came to love life again!

There lies no other love on earth
like the kind from a child
pure
gentle
energetic
almost sultry love
you love me kindly.
you love me carefree.
you love me. safely.

saddened and heavy laddened
i could hardly lift my head
i cried and slept
fears and worries filled my days
i tried calling for help
but how do you tell a friend
that you had lost all hope to stay?
how do you tell a sister
that you have lost lost all wills to live?

and the thoughts slipped in!

And i knew it then...
funny voices told me
as i questioned myself
"what have i done to get here?"

my head felt so heavy
my voice so weak
my heart got slow
as i contemplated the end.

how was i to do this?
how was i to leave?
what would become of me?
who would know of it?

and to pick up the phone
to reach out the room
to get out of my towel
and get into the closet
even my greatest joys lacked love.
i was about to leave the world.

but greater is he that is in you.
greater is it thats bestowed on you.
you are the love that kept me true.

i remember leaving my suite
i got up sluggishly
wiped up dried and wet tears
pretended i was invinscible
as i walked down the hall
and then the elevator
and then my car
i will go see mama
just in case i do leave
Ma' had a special treat
mama, oh how i love you
when i opened the door
i looked down and saw an entity
a special being
you stepped aback
staring at me through these bright untainted lenses.

you stared for a few moments
i was embarrassed
i had stopped visiting
and you'd almost forgotten

you looked at me
and suddenly came running
"Twuuuutttt!" "Twut! Twut! Twut! Twut! TwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuT!!!!!"
you called me, running around in silly circles
you came into my arms
gave me your stuffed teddy,
and ran farther back, clapping, stomping, screaming
you had so much joy you didnt know how to act
so much joy you brought me out
i cried and hid my tears
ashamed that i would've disappointed you
how dare i leave?
who would be your favourite auntie?
and

i
cant
help
it...
baby, i still cry.

how you saved my life
by being a child.
you gave me love.
pure sultry untainted peaceful love.
i mattered to you, on that January day.
i am still here on this July night.
because you worked better than the pills.
five months and counting.
baby, its been five months and counting!

And i cant wait to tell you this.
when you finally grow up.
i promise.
it'll be our little secret.
we'll name this story
"How auntie Twut, came to love life again...
how Joy at 17 months, brought me out to life"