Introducing... Alaire.

***I've changed Mr.Frery's name to Mr. Alaire... Alaire means "joyful, happy"... it suits him better than Frery***


I cant tell you the exact date we met. It must've been someday in March... But the day we started talking? Late February.

China and Caty had been connected to a specific dating website... they'd been registered for a while. Then one day, i was at China's place, Caty was there too; it was to be a girl's night out. We got there, and Caty got the funniest idea (shes full of the silliest, funniest ideas... like the time she got the idea that wego to the town's business district at rush hour, picking random cute men, pretending we knew them by asking them if their name was "John"... then later asking them if their last names was "Doe"),... why dont we all get an account together!

Three girls, one profile... it was crazy. We got such responses like i couldnt believe. It was fun. But it only lasted 24hours. Apparently it was wrong to have such a profile... they deleted us. Oh well...

Then i got my own profile. It got a little silly lol. Sometimes we'd even IM each other on there, sort of like MSN. It was funny.

I met a few men there... 3 in total.

The first one i met was a 28yo Congolese man; a masters student at the local uni. New to town, moved here from another state, 5'5, dark skinned, sunny smile, small little itty-bitty eyes, very attractive face. worked as a prof's assistant at the local uni. Speaks French, Swahili, and a few other afro languages.

The second was a 27yo guy from Barbados, who'd just moved here from NY, USA. inspiring social work student, speaks French, poor spoken English, even worse written English, 5'8, very cute!!!, dark skinned, hardly smiled (so i dont know what his smile is like), eccentric fashion sense... a cross between eccentric and USA-FOBish.


The third was a 32yo white guy who was a car sales man. nice sense of style... dresses clean,okay. Studied Psych in uni... graduated years ago. 5'9. Nice smile. Smiles lots.


Mr. Alaire was the first one i met. I didnt like the second guy because heseemed too silly to be real. He continuously called me to tell me he wants me so bad, and that i was the best girl hes met since he moved here. I wanted to believe him. I actually did. But i wasnt convinced that he believed himself, if you feel me... the third guy... the white guy, was way to hard to get with. He liked me, i liked him, but i couldnt live on coffee all the time and i didnt feel like having to explain to him why okra draws and why obeata sometimes have a mix of different types of fishes and meat in it. I never went for a second date with him.

Alaire...the night i went to meet him, i went through hell. He doesnt drive so i drove to see him. We were to meet at his place where i was to have dinner with him... Ugali and some nice spinach soup with maybe cow tripe! I could already taste the damn thing but lo and behold, my beautifully imperfect car had to stop working on my way there! I had to get off the freeway and call a towtruck. The mess ended up costing me up to 1400 in funds to fix but anyway... while i was waiting for the Towtruck, i called him and told him the car broke down so he decided to cab it to where i was, and wait for the truck with me.

The first time i saw him, i think i screamed (well, not to his face but when he was out of the car and i had gotten the balls to call Caty up so i'd have someone to scream to). He looked like such a FOB. lol.
And his accent was so pronounced but i didnt mind that at all... since i have a (BIGBIGBIGGG)thing for Fench accents. What i had even more trouble accpeting,was that he was short.

Yet he'd impressed me so much when i'd talk to him on the phone, and when we'd chat on msn... i had a crush on the conversations we had.

So after the car had been towed, we went over to his place where he shared with a roommate. It was cool. I had caught a cold by then so he made me a cup of cammomille tea. I met his roommate... it was cool.

What amazed me about this guy is his smile. It was relentless. Frery eases smiles through a volcanoes. I sometimes smile, but most times, i dont. If you've ever been asked by a stranger while walking down the street to "please smile", then you know exactly what i mean.
But remember i said i met him in February? Well...his height bothered me all the way through to the 29th of March. I liked and adored so many things about this man, but couldnt get over the fact that i didnt have to get on my tippytoes to kiss him.

Speaking of tippytoes... i did something stupid when i eventually decided to accept him. I'd get on my tippytoes everytime we'd kiss. Call it a force of habit for years of being with TBS. Then once, he asked me "where are you flying to?" lol

But i've totally accepted him now. Its like the first time i'd have ewedu mixed with okra. I'd love that i could have ewedu but hate that it'd be mixed with okra. But had it anyway, since it meant that i got to have ewedu... anyone got me?
So now i am his... and he is new to town so we go out sightseeing and touring the beaches sometimes. And i, am in absolute like (cant say that other word yet... still struggling with it) with this man that makes molehills seems so much more leveled... like everything is everything and life doesnt have to be so stressful... i have smiled so much more these past weeks than i have the rest of the year. And he understands, doesnt criticize me when i let Darque on my bed.

The one thing i sort of think is cute but a little disturbing is that Darque forgets me when he is here. If we both come in at thesame time, she litterally ignores me... for the first 10-20minutes. And then i guess she gets hungry and remembers who her feeder is lol. They have such a great connection, its amazing.

But he aint perfect, people. Hes got lots of cons. Like... he gets on my nerves at times when he gets in his playful mood and i just cant seem to be in that sort of mood with him 24-7! Oh lawd! Sometimes i cant stand it. Another flaw?I'mgoing to have to teach him how to eat me well. He is horrible in that department. Very willing, but fucking bad at it. And for the longest time, sexing him used to be so painful! I have this theory now that my coochie takes her time to get used to new dicks. ANd finally, she has. Now its just pleasure. I cant stand the pain.

Sexing him is great. And at first, i'd get scared to even see his peennini because i thought i'd be disappointed. The truth is, he is far from the biggest and smallest i have had. Hs isnt small, but he isnt big. (Lord, now i really have to remain anon. I have shared too much on this blog-o-mine).
Its been great having sex with him. And it makes it even sweeter when he says "Thank you" after an orgasm. And i get in that mode too, where i say "thank you" more often... he just makes theses things easier.

Last week, i took him on a picnic to the beaches to celebrate his graduation. He'll stay in town for his first job... he'll eventually move back home. I try not to think long term so i havent. This weekend, he'll be away. His friend is getting engaged and they have to go pay some sort of dowry.


Not everything that glitters is gold. So if this sounds glittery, then picture it as some sort of mirage. Because to accept that this might be real, would be to set yourself up for a downfall. I dont think he is perfect. But he is at the moment, today, great.

Testing, 123!

I need to go get tested for STDs.
And so does he.

I had been getting tested every 6months since i was 16. It was like a routine, pap test, blood test, HIV test, along with every 6th month that came by.

When i was 21, i got a call from the ministry of health. Supposedly i had been i n contact with someone who had been found to have Chlamydia.

I couldnt believe it.
And since i had only had sex with one person between the time i was 17 and then, i knew who it was. Kimani.

So i went for the test. I was dead cold and scared. I still remember walking in there after work and seeing all these people i couldnt find myself ever associating with. They looked more like whores. No seriously, that was my exact feeling.

Yet i was in that room, waiting with them. So really, am i any different?
Somehow, we all took our individual paths. Yet somehow we all ended up there. In that room, waiting to believe that we arent diseased. Hoping for some miracle.

I wasnt infected.
I was okay.
I found out two weeks later.

Thank God for condoms. The son of a forgotten fool had cheated on me but thank goodness for condoms and his devine grace.

So i am now about to start over with Frery so i need the both of us to get tested. Frery... i'll admit, i do like him a lot.
But its odd, because there are a few things about him i am having difficulty accepting. I am at a point where i am redefining or reaffirming my believes in terms of the sort of partner i want and what is important to me. And as i do that, i hope to learn a few lessons along the way.

Anyway, in the meantime, i'm going to get some food to eat lol.

Gold digger

I'm not trying to be a bitch though i'll admit,
sometimes it comes so naturally
But i just cant stand it when you ask so much of me
so soonn... like so now, so, rightaway
I am flattered that you want me
Though i know it isnt hard to be attractive once you've got a pussy,
still i understand that it is sometimes much more than that
so yes, i relish that. I enjoy that.
Believe me, i appreciate that.

But wait a minute... no, your hands...
hold on a second... dont touch me there

Because it isnt that i dont like it
It is that it is irritating
and somewhere inside, i am hoping you see there is much more to me
Than what God gave me to be thighs
and hips
and breasts
What i have done with me
This masterpiece of a being...
is a bit more

And i want to believe that you are one too
So i want to take my time with you
Find that being within
No, wait a minute
Do i have to kiss you right now?
Oh my friggin goodness!
Would you wait a goddamn second?!

You are frustrating me
And i know you've stopped now
But the moment i shut up, you resume your touching
sliping your hands right onto me.


And i want to do that too
I want to explore you
I want to find the one that you are
If only you'd just give me a minute

The one i was made to be, digs for gold.
To feel, i must search.
And i need time to find.
So i ask that you let me
Dig ma claws in your dirt
Seeking through the rough mess
Allow me with patience, please!
Let me search through your experiences
And the gold you've now become
You.

Please give me time
So i can finally, love you.
And understand... you.
And make this love, with you.

My day yesterday

Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.

here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.



Back to how my day went yesterday...

So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol

Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.

While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.

Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?

*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*

Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless

So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.

I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.

But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.

I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(

I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.

Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.

Oh God, my life is in your hands.