I still think of you.

I never did look down there
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?

We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.


Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.

This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...

Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.

Missing home

If i was to tell you how it feels, maybe you can join me. C'mon, say it with me.
I'd say i've felt it but something tells me i havent known it in its entirety.
So yes, it feels odd to be alone.
Like they say, misery loves company.
But i dont want you to be miserable.
Hopefully i am too cynical to get it
and i hope that is what it is
i hope that i am wrong
or that there is a bit of jealousy that wishes you wont get there before me
i hope this
hoping that you have found the "it"
and that that "it" is he
while I let you live it.

Now how thew fuck do i get home?! When will this storm ceaze?

You are remembered.

In the arms of an angel
Far away from here
In the arms of an angel
May you find
some comforting.

Lost (continued)

and only 50minutes later, the circle has been completed.
And i hate to say i told you so
so i wont.
but i will ask
"So, babe...Is this it? Or will you need to make yet, another round?"

Lost

Cried. Not. For. You. But. For. The. Journey. You. Go. Through.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.

And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.

And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you

My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?

And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.

Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.

learn to be a friend

I have to learn to be a friend.
No, i dont mean it that way.
i mean, i actually really have to learn how to be a friend.
how to be;
selfless!!!

Damn, of all the characters in the world to get stuck with,
WHY MUST I BE THE TYPE TO BE STUCK WITH A SELFISH PERSONALITY?!?

oh, and i think i have to learn to drop my pride.
i have to learn to hug more,
and to shut up when people are down.
***worst time to give advises is when its too late***
and i have to learn to learn.

REMINDER TO SELF:
1.you are not better than people. Everryone has their welanesses and strengths so why must you point their weakenesses out? Are you any better?
2. cant blame anyone for anything. you do not know their expereinces, you do not know what it is like to be them.
3.walking in someone's shoes is a theory. it is practically impossible. learn to be as empathetic as possible.
4. appologise (fuk! it aint dat hard!)
5.love. and let them know.

Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday

I started off my day weird!
i woke up late around 1pm, Nat had called and she was warning me about my lateness
"If you dont start the turkey early, you know it wont be ready by the time they get there, right?"
And do you think i listened?
So i went downstairs in the basement to get the car so i can go across the street to the mall to shop for the stuff i need to stuff the turkey
i figured i'd drive even though the store is just across the street, just in case i ended up purchasing more than i anticipated. I hate dragging so much stuff home across the street. I'd rather drive.
I went to the basement to the parking lot only to find my car missing.
Chineke mo!
i tell you; all i could think of was that my car had been repo'd because i havent paid my car loan dues for last month! I was almost crying when i remembered that i had parked the car in front of my building last night.
i blew out one long breath of thanks to God in the form of Co2 as i went back into the elevator to go to the ground floor. Yes, my poor old car was there. Thank God!
So i got into the car, back up so i could get out of the parking spot and heard a funny "bang!"
Jesu!
i looked out to see i had hit the red van behind me.
My heart nearly jumped out my nose as i litterally picked up a piece of paper and wrote
"I just hit your car. Please call me at (564) 673-8564" It took me at least 30 seconds to write that-my hand was shaking so much. I didnt even think, all i could imagine was a big dent in the back of my poor car and an even bigger dent in the front of the red van.
I went to stick the note on the red van and decided to take a look at the damages-
zero, zit, nada, ofo, nothing at fucking all!
not a dent, not a scratch, nothing!
I just jejely returned to my car and CAREFULLY got out of the parking spot, to the mall.
So! i got to the mall, decided to get my wallet and realised i had left it at home. So instead of driving back and forth, i just walked back home to pick up my wallet and walked back to the mall to shop.
I shopped and got back home before realising that i had LEFT the car at the mall!
I wont kill myself, i tell you. If my head wasnt attached to my neck, i know i'd forget it somewhere. I mean, who forgets their car at the mall?!?

So that was a great start for my thanksgiving day!
Forget that the turkey wasnt cooked by the time the guests arrived at 7pm because i had only started baking it at 4:45pm
Forget that no one including myself ate the turkey slices in their dinner plates because it tasted like rubber ( as per it wasnt cooked lol)
Forget that i had to pop the half backed thing back into the oven for a second bake
It was my first time hosting my family thanksgiving dinner,
And my first time doing an almost great job of it

For most of them, it was their first time seeing my new place and they all loved it!
Reminded me why i had chosen to live here...
We danced, we ate, we laughed
I made shrimp ceaser salad which Fierce's husband litterally made "baa" noices to (like a goat) because he claimed i was making him animal food...
I made the turkey with wild rice,celery, bead and onion stuffing and honey-orange glaze
Fierce made garlic-herbed spagetti, banana bread and chocolate cake with toffee-nut topping
Mom made beancake (moimoi) and jollof rice
Ambition made shrimp fried rice

10 people in here (myself included). We had enough food to last us through Katrina


By 8pm we were mostly all so tired
The eveining ended at 10:45pm after we had danced ourselves to exhaustion

I went to sleep at 1am only to have a dream about Kimani (tufiakwa), TBS (WTF!) and some (imaginary?) boyfriend of mine. I tell you, dreams are so silly!

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank God for my life, for my family, for my friends and for my love of self.

Dear Mr. Fisher...

Dear Mr Fisher,
As much as i'd like to wring your neck, i'll refrain myself from the urge. Tell me please, what would you like of me? Forget i asked that question. Better yet, how should i have handled it?
We had been talking for quite a while, but like i knew we wouldnt end up anywhere. The truth is, i am me, and you are you. I hate to be rude but where do you see a similarity? What do we have in common other than the fact that we both breathe through our nostrils? Other thanthe common anatomy that implies that we're both human, and the other silly similarity that we were raised in thesame continent, tell me, what else?
We are different! If humans could be delegated into different species, i'd be a fox. And you Fisher, would be something different; somewhat of an oppourtunity for a meal, for me... a Racoon, maybe?
What would you like of me?
I have been truthful. Truthfully explaned to you that i cannot be with you.
"I cant. I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I have too much on my plate."
But really, that was only my de-fouled version of;
"You are a nice man. I might not ever meet one as nice as you are... but I cant be with you. You're way too soft. You needed a backbone like yesterday! Besides(while we're being honest,) I'm too good for you. You walk like your kwashiorkor-like stomach has altered your point of gravity, your walk has been modified to accomodate your liquor-laddened gut just so you wont tip over, fall and break your oversized flattened front-pear-shaped head. You can multitask; able to speak and spit simultaneously but Fisher, i dont need a shower. And even if i did, i definitely dont need a saliva shower, thats for sure. Your vocabulary is astonishing. I understand that English is not your first language but are you willing to understand that i need to be able to communicate with whoever it is i'm with? I'm sorry; I cant keep breaking apart every single word i speak just so you'd ask me what the little fragments of their translation mean! That shit is frustrating like fu&k! AND, you dress like a bushman! Moreover, why are you so insecured? There is nothing more repulsing than a man who needs assistance to get up enough courage to ask a girl who he wants, for a dance."
But its hard for me to be real because reality hurts, and i really didnt want to hurt you. So i packaged my words delicately, wrapped some honey around it, then dipped it in caution, and served you it. But did you buy it? No. The last question you asked me after the conversation we had was
"But cant we just try?"
Its like oyu hadnt heard a word i'd said.
Try what? One moth down the road of trying, you'd be singing some jaded-romance song.
I'll help you, i'll stay away. I keep dropping you clues:
#1 On friday, you called to ask me to come to a party and i said i didnt want to go. I lied. Truth was, as you were asking me, i was picking out my outfit, and getting dressed for the party. I didnt want to go to the party with you. Going with you would mean you'd glue yourself to me all night. You'd attempt to marka territory that was never yours. You got to the party and saw Kiss and asked her if i was coming (which was sort silly of you since i'd told you iw asnt coming!!!) and was told that i was on my way..
#2 You came to meet me at my table at the party where i was seated with a Kiss, her date and two other guys. Yet you (dressed in a nice suit, with a fisher-man hat to ruin it) came towards me, sat at our table, as i rolled my eyes discretly, and turned my back towards you. I didnt want to be associated with you. You were cramping my style. You stayed at our table as if you'd been invited, making it awkward for me... why must you be such a cock blocker?!!! Werent you at another table before???
#3 My friend asked you (because i had expressed my disgust about your hat) why you'd wear such hat with such an outft, and thankfully to her, took it off your head and place it on the table. I still dont understand why you'd wear such hat with a suit!
#4 Everytime you;d come towards me, i'd automatically have something to do. Something like um... i have a phone call to go make, I have to go look for some one,.... something, anything! I knew you wanted to ask for a dance, so i figured if i interrupted you before you got to ask, then i wouldnt have to say no! it worked.
#5 You were at our table (wrong table!) and so was another guy. The guy asked me why i wasnt dancing and i said i was had lost one of my earrings and i needed help finding it. I had looke dwverywhere but the dance floor. there was a slow song playing. He asked me to dance and suggested we'd look for the earring on the dancefloor as we danced. I agreed. It really wasnt about the dance nor the earring. I wanted to get away from you. I cant dance with you, you dance like a broken record, annoyingly stiff, repetitive, and annoying. Is there any other dance you know of other than the "hip thrust to and fro"?
I was sure you'd finnally gotten the point. But i didnt expect what came next.
As i sat down to rest my feet foor the night, you came to our table, and awkwardly (i could feel your negative energy) put your hat on, then your suit. You stood behind me for a what seemed like eternity before coming to me...
"That was an open rejection"
"pardon me?" I was not expecting that
"I said that was an open rejection. You knew i wanted to dance with you, but you went to... anyway, it was nice knowing you"
I wanted to slap you, right there and then. What have i done wrong? Must i dance with everyone who wants to dance with me?
You held out your hand for a shake. I guess this was suppose to be a "you've hurt me so you've lost me and goodbye" handshake.
I ignored you. You left.


I understand that sometimes, you cant have a nice departion. Departion? I was dreaming... The next day at another party, I was there with Kiss, a male friend. Supposedly you went to ask Kiss as i was away on the dance floor, what you've done wrong to me, and why am I rejecting you. You asked her what it is that i'm going through and told her that you wish I knew how much you can do for me.
Fisher, I dont need your help. Do you understand that? I dont!!!
I just need you to simply, be a man. Learn to cut your loses and trust me, you're not even losing. You've won. If i had agreed to be with you, I would not have treated you fairly. Truth is, i cant treat a man right unless i'm happy to be with him.
I hope God sends you your soulmate soon... it isnt me. I'm one of your many Mrs. Wrongs. Please underatnd that.

Goodbye

In both ears, out ma fingertips

We can have a truth sandwich but dont kill it with some bogus sauce.
You cant possibly close your eyes and wonder, dare imagine what the other piece is.
But you can however, bitch.
you cant now nor ever empathize.
Everybody is a victim
because no one is able to see the other's pain.
everybody has been dealt a sore deck of cards
and the other seems to keep playing poker
Who will save us from this fine mess?
Oh well! i cant bother to narrate to blind kitties in languages they dont hear...
aren't willing to hear, dont want to comprehend.
sharp sharp sharp claws sharppend!
i better keep my feet in motion!
but of course, the world is full of excuses so...
cut that! slice me a piece of that! some crisp harsh-worded lettuce! and no! no, no, no sauce pls!
while i be here, remaining the truth sandwich, but please dont kill me with some bogus sauce.

let sleeping dogs lie

Being able to look past yesterday
Looking sideways, recognizing the baggages that refused to stay. Saying "come along then!" for there is no time to stall.
Baby girls, families, friends, Moma yall cant leave me now!
And moving along.
Let the currents be my boat.
Float me abode
as i move along these wary waves...
Let the past be that. for there never is a lesson learnt if there isnt anything lost.
What an uneventful boring life i'd have lived.
if i never had anything to drop, lost, pop, shove the fuck off!
om my way tomy destination.
So who comes along?! but the strong, the meek, the ones who overcame the hauls.
only the loved.
so many goodbyes.
bye to the ones that didnt make it.
and a thank you tothe ones who helped the success reach.
not only will i let sleeping dogs lie.
i'll also OD them on some sleeping pills.
hoping that they sleep, never to rise again.

July 7/07