i want to blog about this joke of a man but i've got so much on my plate.
This is the hardest time of my life.
At least, as far as i can remember.
Too manyt hings to worry about.
TBS's story can wait.
Showing posts with label TBS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TBS. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Another woman's man; TBS
About a week and a half ago, TBS started texting me.
I must admit, i dont have anything for him at the moment, but i'm not sure i can ALWAYS maintain that.
This man has been my everything, for so long... its hard to just dismiss him.
SO when i tell him he must not call me, and he ignores that, i cant help but answer his calls.
But i havent hated him as much as i have in these past few days.
When i left him, i was so mad at him, that i was numb.
I was so sure of my decision that i didnt even think twice.
Didn't go through the usual questions:
How much did this hurt me? Am i sure i want to leave him? COuld this be resolved?
NO!
It was the least complicated thing i have ever done.
The moment he said it, i knew immediately that we werwe through.
But it wasnt the first time we would be through. Neither is it the 2nd,3rd,4th,5th,6th,7th,8th,9th,10th...
Keep in mind, i have known him for 7years.
But in that one moment, all those 7years, meant nothing.
Just because you have a history with someone does not mean you must keep making history with them.
It was over. The time had ran out.
I understand he misses me. But i cant help but feel like he is being selfish for calling me. If you miss someone, chances are they are missing you too. He makes it SO MUCH harder for me to move on for as long as he keeps calling me!
He knows he isn't good for me. He isn't for me. And i understand that i am not for him too. SO why call me? SO we can prolong this "freiendship/relationship" that isnt meant to be? NO! I dont want another woman's man for one more second of my life! He isnt for me, so he must go!
so since he has been calling, i have been asking him not to. Then i stopped asking him. Instead, i became offensive. See, i know what we have had, and i know that if i dont get rid of him now while dont have feelings for him, it might never happen. I have said everything i can think of to discourage him from calling.
He continues to call.
Till yesterday. He called and asked if he can see me. I declined. He asked where i was, i reminded him that he has no right to know. I toldf him i was busy and would have to call him back, he wouldn't get off the phone. I hung up.
He didnt call back,.
He hasnt call back.
I hope to God he never does because God knows i cant continue to have him in my life.
Chapter, re-closed.
I must admit, i dont have anything for him at the moment, but i'm not sure i can ALWAYS maintain that.
This man has been my everything, for so long... its hard to just dismiss him.
SO when i tell him he must not call me, and he ignores that, i cant help but answer his calls.
But i havent hated him as much as i have in these past few days.
When i left him, i was so mad at him, that i was numb.
I was so sure of my decision that i didnt even think twice.
Didn't go through the usual questions:
How much did this hurt me? Am i sure i want to leave him? COuld this be resolved?
NO!
It was the least complicated thing i have ever done.
The moment he said it, i knew immediately that we werwe through.
But it wasnt the first time we would be through. Neither is it the 2nd,3rd,4th,5th,6th,7th,8th,9th,10th...
Keep in mind, i have known him for 7years.
But in that one moment, all those 7years, meant nothing.
Just because you have a history with someone does not mean you must keep making history with them.
It was over. The time had ran out.
I understand he misses me. But i cant help but feel like he is being selfish for calling me. If you miss someone, chances are they are missing you too. He makes it SO MUCH harder for me to move on for as long as he keeps calling me!
He knows he isn't good for me. He isn't for me. And i understand that i am not for him too. SO why call me? SO we can prolong this "freiendship/relationship" that isnt meant to be? NO! I dont want another woman's man for one more second of my life! He isnt for me, so he must go!
so since he has been calling, i have been asking him not to. Then i stopped asking him. Instead, i became offensive. See, i know what we have had, and i know that if i dont get rid of him now while dont have feelings for him, it might never happen. I have said everything i can think of to discourage him from calling.
He continues to call.
Till yesterday. He called and asked if he can see me. I declined. He asked where i was, i reminded him that he has no right to know. I toldf him i was busy and would have to call him back, he wouldn't get off the phone. I hung up.
He didnt call back,.
He hasnt call back.
I hope to God he never does because God knows i cant continue to have him in my life.
Chapter, re-closed.
Monday, December 3, 2007
anything but this
Something solemn, yet strong... one'a those poems i can look back on. Them poems that makes me reminice the days i use to rule words, you know?
but i cant seem to get inspired enough. and i cant seem to think of anyother thing.
than the one that i miss.
and i have told myself that i couldnt
must i miss the love we'd make.
and i dont want to talk about this
and i dont want to write about it
so i wont
but i cant seem to get inspired enough. and i cant seem to think of anyother thing.
than the one that i miss.
and i have told myself that i couldnt
must i miss the love we'd make.
and i dont want to talk about this
and i dont want to write about it
so i wont
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Yesterday
i almost missed you.
almost enough to pick up my phone.
almost wanted to hear you.
but i swear i heard you.
deep in my mind, so lightly you said
"i wanted to call you too."
and a ray of doubt made me imagine hearing you ask me
"what do you want?"
but i wasnt about to find out.
i almost called you.
i almost missed you.
almost wanted to see you.
but almost doesnt count.
no chance for a relapse.
its over.
been over.
and i'm glad.
almost enough to pick up my phone.
almost wanted to hear you.
but i swear i heard you.
deep in my mind, so lightly you said
"i wanted to call you too."
and a ray of doubt made me imagine hearing you ask me
"what do you want?"
but i wasnt about to find out.
i almost called you.
i almost missed you.
almost wanted to see you.
but almost doesnt count.
no chance for a relapse.
its over.
been over.
and i'm glad.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Date with Mistah Etienne
So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol
Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.
"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.
Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.
While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.
Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.
The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.
Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"
Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.
ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol
Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.
"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.
Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.
While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.
Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.
The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.
Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"
Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.
ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!
Monday, August 6, 2007
It houses you
The louder they laughed the louder it did
these memories scream deep
and even now, it feels so hard
as it travels down ma throat,... i know its real.
i give you this moment.
you deserve it.
besides, what else can i do with it?
its already ruined.
you have damaged my getaway...
Witchita will never be thesame.
I miss you so much!
even the harsh moments just werent strong enough to jolt me back into the present; then.
i needed a reality check.
the truth is
you werent there.
you are not here.
neither will you ever be here.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but will do everything to keep it in the past.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but can never ever want you back
yet, i cry.
Witchita is gone to me
your scent rooms in it
your face plastered in the haunted houses...
i heard your voice in the crowds
and saw your footprints in the snow
i saw the time you slipped
and the times i got angry
"how could you wear such thin leather jacket? You're going to freeze!"
i must be going crazy.
winter is gone. so is the doubt. so is our spot. along with you.
though summer is in
your memory remains vivid
remember the pictures we took?
wow.
You took Witchita away from me.
these memories scream deep
and even now, it feels so hard
as it travels down ma throat,... i know its real.
i give you this moment.
you deserve it.
besides, what else can i do with it?
its already ruined.
you have damaged my getaway...
Witchita will never be thesame.
I miss you so much!
even the harsh moments just werent strong enough to jolt me back into the present; then.
i needed a reality check.
the truth is
you werent there.
you are not here.
neither will you ever be here.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but will do everything to keep it in the past.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but can never ever want you back
yet, i cry.
Witchita is gone to me
your scent rooms in it
your face plastered in the haunted houses...
i heard your voice in the crowds
and saw your footprints in the snow
i saw the time you slipped
and the times i got angry
"how could you wear such thin leather jacket? You're going to freeze!"
i must be going crazy.
winter is gone. so is the doubt. so is our spot. along with you.
though summer is in
your memory remains vivid
remember the pictures we took?
wow.
You took Witchita away from me.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thank God for memories
You know, i hate this
sometimes i just hate memories
Who decides what you remember?
Who decides what gets lost
tanbgled up in nature's complicated webbs
who, really?
...decides that tonight, i wont remember that he was such a bitch
that he reeked of nasties
that he was dumber than a doorknob
that he was dryer than wheat crackers
and even more importantly,
that he was just a plain ass hole?
he was not mine to keep.
he was not for me.
...
but then Neyo sings in that Milky masculine caresing voice of his
"I just wonder..."
Baby,
do you ever think of me
anymore...
"do you?"
i miss having you
i miss the better days...
i get silly moments when i wonder what i'd be like
if you were still here
do you?
(but then i remember...
thank God for memories
you're an asshole
and God knows i dont need two of those)
sometimes i just hate memories
Who decides what you remember?
Who decides what gets lost
tanbgled up in nature's complicated webbs
who, really?
...decides that tonight, i wont remember that he was such a bitch
that he reeked of nasties
that he was dumber than a doorknob
that he was dryer than wheat crackers
and even more importantly,
that he was just a plain ass hole?
he was not mine to keep.
he was not for me.
...
but then Neyo sings in that Milky masculine caresing voice of his
"I just wonder..."
Baby,
do you ever think of me
anymore...
"do you?"
i miss having you
i miss the better days...
i get silly moments when i wonder what i'd be like
if you were still here
do you?
(but then i remember...
thank God for memories
you're an asshole
and God knows i dont need two of those)
Monday, July 9, 2007
So many moves.
I have been away from Blogville for a little long.
Longer than i'd like to be.
i sometimes catch myself blogging in my mind, hoping i can get to the net before the memories melt away.
So anyway, here i am and i dont even know where to start.
i moved away, and i'm glad i did it. Its a new kind of life for me; something i have not experienced in so long. I'm in a new town, a new place, out of my comfort zone, yet ready to explore the possibilities. I've had so many recent brake-ups. TBS, and "friends... its exhausting. I think at this point, i am ready to let go of anyone. If i can go through this, ic an go through it all.
TBS... hmm...I look around for replacements for him at times. I see men that catch my eyes and wonder if they are anything like him. How different can they be, really?
Yet i'm glad we're over. I'm glad that part of my life is dead. I'm glad he is out of my life. Okay, so let me recap about the men i've met or talked to since our break up...
Mr. Firm;
dear mista firm! i have known this man for a little over a year and he'd always seem like a big brother to me. He somehow manages to remind me "not" to party too much, drink too much, and the likes...
He lives alone. A bachelor in a condo a short drive away. Sounds like a perfect person to hook up with but i just cant seem to feel for Mr. Firm. His personality is appealing, but i cant seem to get the physical attraction going. I dont like him physically. I had been trying to hook Mr. Firm up with Nat for a few weeks now but they had not had the chance to meet, nor speak to each other. Then Nat got hooked with this other man and i knew that he (Firm) didnt have any chance with her. I went to visit Mr. Firm a few days before TBS and i parted ways, and we saw a movie at his place. He cooked and i tell you,the one straight way to my heart without a detour, is through my mouth. I love to be fed by men! so yes, i was loving that. But it was tres weird that night when i was leaving; Mr. Firm gave me a tight(!!!) firm (hence the nickname) hug.He hugged me so tight, my breats flattened like pancakes on his chest- the tightest hug ever. I didnt get the clue till a few more hugs clued me in; Mr. Firm was crushing... on one of my visits, Mr. Firm said he had something to show me. He had to show me "it". I played along and went in his room along with him. I got bold and undid his belt, proceeded to pull his pants down but he stopped me. He reached for my chest and i thought "what de fak! mista man, I didnt say i had anything to show you, you the one who had something to show me!". I moved away.He asked me "can i see your breats?" and i couldnt belive my precious ears... WHAT A TURN OFF!!! okay, i need someone to tell me, am i the only female who finds it repulsive when men ASK to touch, sex, hug you? asking kills the mood! (not that there really was anything to get in the mood for that night but!...) anyway, i told him i wasnt ready for that, i left.
last night however, we did kiss, he did see my breasts(and no, he didnt ask this time!), he did suck them well, he did hold them right... his fingers almost reminds me of Troy's (Lover's lane). His fingers almost made me spurt. But i wanted his tongue... and he gave me it... and he sucked at it... i'd be sore for 5 hours afer then (*^&#)... i wont be seeing him anymore... not sexually.
Mr. Fisher
I cant believe ppl still wear fishermen hats! this guy is so silly! The sadest part is he'd look so much better without the hat on. But i pray next time i see him, he wouldnt have it on.
I met mister Fisher at a club on saturday. He'd tried to pick me up once before but his cousin beat him to it. His cousin had much more charisma, and a lot less brain mass. Needless to say, i never did do anything with him. Mr. Fisher's sister is a club-party friend. Do you know what i mean by that? have you ever had a friend that you always seem to meet at a specific club and everytime you meet him/her there, you two dance all night together, you exchange numbers yet you never call each other... thats the kind of friend she is. After the night was over, Mister Fisher called and we talked- he lives on thesame street as my mother (^$&%*!), bought a house with a friend. He is a computer analyst(or something like that) student and he works at some local store. My phone disconnected and he texted later in the night to thank me for calling him, that he is so glad he'd met me bla bla bla. ... when Mister Fisher said "you're such a nice girl, so soft spoken", i remembered all the hundrends of times i had raised my voice at TBS. If only he can speak with TBS... he'd tell him not ot be so naive... he'd tell him i really am human... i too, scream.
He called today to ask me over as he had cooked. I was ecstatic. But Mister Fisher is a Camrounian. I dont know what their meals i like, but i hope i'll like it. I couldnt make it over but i told him i'd come some othet time...
Mister fisher... we'll see.
Mr. Face.
Oh my goodness! this man has got the beautifullest (yes, look it up)face! i was at Afrofest (an annual african festival here) when i saw him at the corner of my eyes... he asked "dont i know you?". i looked over and sure enough, his face rang a bell... but couldnt figure out WHICH bell exactly.
"yea, you do look familiar..."
we figures out how we met.
Last year, i met a man at the gas station. He was in a yellow civic. What attracted me to him was his eclectic style- he dressed like he was breaking some rules. like an outlaw,... i saw myself in him. I liked him. And his face! oh wow! he is dark, but more like honeydark. He was blemish-free. skin clear like Dasani, face calm like peace. I loved his face! He was beautiful.
and just as brainless.
i had taken his number at the gas station and i knew i'd done right after speaking with him. He was an idiot. I got Francoise on the phone as i called him (i know, i'm childish!) so she could listen up. I wanted to see if she'd recognixze his voice because if theres one peson who can identify any ghanian person by their voice, name, belongings, etc, its Francoise! i swear that girl is connected with and deeply rooted to her ppl.
I had the worst convo with Face. I asked him what he did for a living and he called himself a "private investigator"... i probed and later realised he was aa security guard at a local store... a few other things he said but my memory fails me. I never called him back.
bu there he was last night, staring me down with those beautiful eyes of his... so i gave him my number. We'll see...
Stay tuned...
Longer than i'd like to be.
i sometimes catch myself blogging in my mind, hoping i can get to the net before the memories melt away.
So anyway, here i am and i dont even know where to start.
i moved away, and i'm glad i did it. Its a new kind of life for me; something i have not experienced in so long. I'm in a new town, a new place, out of my comfort zone, yet ready to explore the possibilities. I've had so many recent brake-ups. TBS, and "friends... its exhausting. I think at this point, i am ready to let go of anyone. If i can go through this, ic an go through it all.
TBS... hmm...I look around for replacements for him at times. I see men that catch my eyes and wonder if they are anything like him. How different can they be, really?
Yet i'm glad we're over. I'm glad that part of my life is dead. I'm glad he is out of my life. Okay, so let me recap about the men i've met or talked to since our break up...
Mr. Firm;
dear mista firm! i have known this man for a little over a year and he'd always seem like a big brother to me. He somehow manages to remind me "not" to party too much, drink too much, and the likes...
He lives alone. A bachelor in a condo a short drive away. Sounds like a perfect person to hook up with but i just cant seem to feel for Mr. Firm. His personality is appealing, but i cant seem to get the physical attraction going. I dont like him physically. I had been trying to hook Mr. Firm up with Nat for a few weeks now but they had not had the chance to meet, nor speak to each other. Then Nat got hooked with this other man and i knew that he (Firm) didnt have any chance with her. I went to visit Mr. Firm a few days before TBS and i parted ways, and we saw a movie at his place. He cooked and i tell you,the one straight way to my heart without a detour, is through my mouth. I love to be fed by men! so yes, i was loving that. But it was tres weird that night when i was leaving; Mr. Firm gave me a tight(!!!) firm (hence the nickname) hug.He hugged me so tight, my breats flattened like pancakes on his chest- the tightest hug ever. I didnt get the clue till a few more hugs clued me in; Mr. Firm was crushing... on one of my visits, Mr. Firm said he had something to show me. He had to show me "it". I played along and went in his room along with him. I got bold and undid his belt, proceeded to pull his pants down but he stopped me. He reached for my chest and i thought "what de fak! mista man, I didnt say i had anything to show you, you the one who had something to show me!". I moved away.He asked me "can i see your breats?" and i couldnt belive my precious ears... WHAT A TURN OFF!!! okay, i need someone to tell me, am i the only female who finds it repulsive when men ASK to touch, sex, hug you? asking kills the mood! (not that there really was anything to get in the mood for that night but!...) anyway, i told him i wasnt ready for that, i left.
last night however, we did kiss, he did see my breasts(and no, he didnt ask this time!), he did suck them well, he did hold them right... his fingers almost reminds me of Troy's (Lover's lane). His fingers almost made me spurt. But i wanted his tongue... and he gave me it... and he sucked at it... i'd be sore for 5 hours afer then (*^&#)... i wont be seeing him anymore... not sexually.
Mr. Fisher
I cant believe ppl still wear fishermen hats! this guy is so silly! The sadest part is he'd look so much better without the hat on. But i pray next time i see him, he wouldnt have it on.
I met mister Fisher at a club on saturday. He'd tried to pick me up once before but his cousin beat him to it. His cousin had much more charisma, and a lot less brain mass. Needless to say, i never did do anything with him. Mr. Fisher's sister is a club-party friend. Do you know what i mean by that? have you ever had a friend that you always seem to meet at a specific club and everytime you meet him/her there, you two dance all night together, you exchange numbers yet you never call each other... thats the kind of friend she is. After the night was over, Mister Fisher called and we talked- he lives on thesame street as my mother (^$&%*!), bought a house with a friend. He is a computer analyst(or something like that) student and he works at some local store. My phone disconnected and he texted later in the night to thank me for calling him, that he is so glad he'd met me bla bla bla. ... when Mister Fisher said "you're such a nice girl, so soft spoken", i remembered all the hundrends of times i had raised my voice at TBS. If only he can speak with TBS... he'd tell him not ot be so naive... he'd tell him i really am human... i too, scream.
He called today to ask me over as he had cooked. I was ecstatic. But Mister Fisher is a Camrounian. I dont know what their meals i like, but i hope i'll like it. I couldnt make it over but i told him i'd come some othet time...
Mister fisher... we'll see.
Mr. Face.
Oh my goodness! this man has got the beautifullest (yes, look it up)face! i was at Afrofest (an annual african festival here) when i saw him at the corner of my eyes... he asked "dont i know you?". i looked over and sure enough, his face rang a bell... but couldnt figure out WHICH bell exactly.
"yea, you do look familiar..."
we figures out how we met.
Last year, i met a man at the gas station. He was in a yellow civic. What attracted me to him was his eclectic style- he dressed like he was breaking some rules. like an outlaw,... i saw myself in him. I liked him. And his face! oh wow! he is dark, but more like honeydark. He was blemish-free. skin clear like Dasani, face calm like peace. I loved his face! He was beautiful.
and just as brainless.
i had taken his number at the gas station and i knew i'd done right after speaking with him. He was an idiot. I got Francoise on the phone as i called him (i know, i'm childish!) so she could listen up. I wanted to see if she'd recognixze his voice because if theres one peson who can identify any ghanian person by their voice, name, belongings, etc, its Francoise! i swear that girl is connected with and deeply rooted to her ppl.
I had the worst convo with Face. I asked him what he did for a living and he called himself a "private investigator"... i probed and later realised he was aa security guard at a local store... a few other things he said but my memory fails me. I never called him back.
bu there he was last night, staring me down with those beautiful eyes of his... so i gave him my number. We'll see...
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Retraining 101
Better now than later. No worse place than between the sheets with ample absorbent ietms waiting in line to help dry me up.
And this is sad. I know.
Must confess i have had slight urges to do it.
Circles are much easier than angles. But circles are just that; circles. And circles lead no where else but around the bend. And then it bends. and then some more.
And this is hard. i know.
For so long i wanted. And wanted i did. but wants are wants and what are wants if what you want isnt worth none?
an endless hope. what for?
too ashamed to admit it.
Yet i chose to want because i simply am lazy.
procrastination rules this.
i can do it later, too damn busy.
ignoring the greener pastures. chose to despice the unknown.
found the worsts in the better "could be"s and "can be"s; decided to have none of it.
laziness kills.
its killed me.
forgeting that today is all i have and later just might not be mine.
stealing little wishes out those wells but i ask... really; what for?
funny how we sell ourselves short.
only to hope again, to be bought.
so ashamed of my choices and upset at my being.
why did i give up the key?
when all the while, i had it.
IdiAmin.
i bowed so you could feed.
but i bowed. no one made me.
unforced. gently. hopefully. with glee.
unbeknownst to you. Gave you my throne.
so angry at me for doing this to me.
but no time to ...
c'mon!
retraining 101.
must learn to keep my head up.
May 1/07
Monday, May 28, 2007
Hold my hand.
whos got a plank?
how much do woods cost?
how far must i cross?
and amidst this,
misty wells erode these hills
as curtains plays the veils
like a stage play
masks fits snuggly
frightened faces
unsure of making history
relentless beauty
restless wheels
not staying here nor there
afraid of weakened soul
your beauty remians untarnished
but somehow, you must grow
"girl, you dont even know how to morn"
walk with me
talk with me
share with me
i need ur reassurance
as you need mine
lets make a bridge
with heavy strong woods
a bridge that can take the weight
the aches
the pain
the love the cheers
let me be it
so i can hold your hands
and you mine
as we cross these heavy times
and hope for brighter days
how much do woods cost?
how far must i cross?
and amidst this,
misty wells erode these hills
as curtains plays the veils
like a stage play
masks fits snuggly
frightened faces
unsure of making history
relentless beauty
restless wheels
not staying here nor there
afraid of weakened soul
your beauty remians untarnished
but somehow, you must grow
"girl, you dont even know how to morn"
walk with me
talk with me
share with me
i need ur reassurance
as you need mine
lets make a bridge
with heavy strong woods
a bridge that can take the weight
the aches
the pain
the love the cheers
let me be it
so i can hold your hands
and you mine
as we cross these heavy times
and hope for brighter days
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Experience, teach me!
If a mistake is being made,
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.
I'm moving in with TBS.
and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.
i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.
Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.
I'm moving in with TBS.
and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.
i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.
Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sugar-free caramel cheesecake cupcake
Miss Blige sang it best
"too hard to fake it
nothing can replace it"
your love is simply sweet
nothing more, none less
it aint fire
so i hope it never burns out
its just
subtle
like a cup cake of sugar-free caramel cheesecake.
its like that.
creamy, ever-so-lightly flavored love
that kind of love that makes us sleep in till 7 in the eve'
the kind that makes us stay
naked
tired
in bed
the kind that makes me not wanna wake up
that kind of love
Even Lauryn felt it:
"see i dont need no alcohol
your love makes me feel ten feet tall
without it i'd go through withdrawal
'cause nothing even matter at all"
there could've been a knock at the door
and i'd stay, hoping it'd stop
just so i can lay in bed
lazy
with you
if for only but
one more moment with you.
"too hard to fake it
nothing can replace it"
your love is simply sweet
nothing more, none less
it aint fire
so i hope it never burns out
its just
subtle
like a cup cake of sugar-free caramel cheesecake.
its like that.
creamy, ever-so-lightly flavored love
that kind of love that makes us sleep in till 7 in the eve'
the kind that makes us stay
naked
tired
in bed
the kind that makes me not wanna wake up
that kind of love
Even Lauryn felt it:
"see i dont need no alcohol
your love makes me feel ten feet tall
without it i'd go through withdrawal
'cause nothing even matter at all"
there could've been a knock at the door
and i'd stay, hoping it'd stop
just so i can lay in bed
lazy
with you
if for only but
one more moment with you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Your words.
"You're amazing babe."
"I love you."
"Wow."
"No, YOU're the sexy one."
"Are you really gonna starve me?"
"PLEASEEEE, babe?"
amidst the ohhhs and ahhhs
in between the groans,
i hear your words
and i save them,
creating a reservoir of confidence-replenishing words
inside my mind
for the days when you're running low.
if ever such days should come.
"I love you."
"Wow."
"No, YOU're the sexy one."
"Are you really gonna starve me?"
"PLEASEEEE, babe?"
amidst the ohhhs and ahhhs
in between the groans,
i hear your words
and i save them,
creating a reservoir of confidence-replenishing words
inside my mind
for the days when you're running low.
if ever such days should come.
Monday, March 19, 2007
TBS told me...
a few days ago that he'll be moving
no, not to the next town
no, not to the next city,
no not to the next state
but to a few states away
i asked why and he said because it'll be easier to find a job there
i knew right then that this was it
if he left, i wouldnt have any more contacts with him
after so many years, it'd befinally over
but today, he told me he got a job
so he'll be staying.
but heres the drama of the day.
he went out last weekend with an old friend- Kramer
Kramer is a guy he's been friends with for ages
Kramer knows about me
we all use to hang out. I like Kramer
I always thought he was one of TBS's better friends
anyway so when they went out, TBS met a girl
he got the girl's number, and that was it
he later called me today to tell me all of this
for bloggin sake, we'll name the girl "The girl in yellow"
TBS: i gave a girl my number last weekened when i was out with Kramer
Truth: ya? ok.
TBS: *laughs* she knows you
Truth: WHAT?! who is she? whats her name?
TBS: i dont know her name. but when i was talking to her on the phone, she said she knows you and she said your name and she said she recognized me from a picture you put on on Facebook.
its true, i did have his picture on facebook. Its a picture we'd taken a last valentines' day.
Truth: what the fuck do you mean you dont know her name?
TBS: i dont remember her name
Truth: well, whats her number
TBS: (783) 893-2748
Truth: ok *hangs up*
i called the number, with my number blocked and got the answering machne. i can tell by the girl's voice that shes from a similar background. I couldnt tell who it was. i was killin myself just wondering
Imagine the embarrassment! no one knows him and i broke up and now, EVERYNE will think he's cheating on me! i was so upset! i went to Facebook and immidiately deleted the picture we had. i couldnt believe it.
then he called back
TBS: im at your door. can you please open the door?"
no, not to the next town
no, not to the next city,
no not to the next state
but to a few states away
i asked why and he said because it'll be easier to find a job there
i knew right then that this was it
if he left, i wouldnt have any more contacts with him
after so many years, it'd befinally over
but today, he told me he got a job
so he'll be staying.
but heres the drama of the day.
he went out last weekend with an old friend- Kramer
Kramer is a guy he's been friends with for ages
Kramer knows about me
we all use to hang out. I like Kramer
I always thought he was one of TBS's better friends
anyway so when they went out, TBS met a girl
he got the girl's number, and that was it
he later called me today to tell me all of this
for bloggin sake, we'll name the girl "The girl in yellow"
TBS: i gave a girl my number last weekened when i was out with Kramer
Truth: ya? ok.
TBS: *laughs* she knows you
Truth: WHAT?! who is she? whats her name?
TBS: i dont know her name. but when i was talking to her on the phone, she said she knows you and she said your name and she said she recognized me from a picture you put on on Facebook.
its true, i did have his picture on facebook. Its a picture we'd taken a last valentines' day.
Truth: what the fuck do you mean you dont know her name?
TBS: i dont remember her name
Truth: well, whats her number
TBS: (783) 893-2748
Truth: ok *hangs up*
i called the number, with my number blocked and got the answering machne. i can tell by the girl's voice that shes from a similar background. I couldnt tell who it was. i was killin myself just wondering
Imagine the embarrassment! no one knows him and i broke up and now, EVERYNE will think he's cheating on me! i was so upset! i went to Facebook and immidiately deleted the picture we had. i couldnt believe it.
then he called back
TBS: im at your door. can you please open the door?"
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