Thursday, September 29, 2011

Rare or not.

There is a part of me that wonders what you’re doing
Constantly, consistently, at every hour of each day
I find my thoughts drifting to you, wondering if its got any resemblance to yours
Each hour.

There is a part of me that extrapolates things
Most especially, the feelings associated with love
I find myself living it before it comes, often too fast that I wear it out before its lived
Every time.

Another part of me wishes that you were real
So real in fact, that you were just who you tell me you are
I find myself wondering about the possibility that you are some undercover Casanova
Every day.

A strong part of me wishes we could be “it”
That you’d tell me the words I know better than to force out of you
I find myself wondering if that day would come, and if it didn’t, how silly and wasteful all these would’ve been
Because quite frankly, you’re a find piece
And so rare in fact, that I know I should keep you here
But I’d be silly if I had not learnt by now,
That rare or not, whatever isn’t mine, would not ever stay.

2337h September 19 2011

A new pair of specs

Sometimes I forget
That you are a reminder to me
That I am not a mere commodity
To be taken for granted.
I forget that there is a lot in each human interaction
And so much more in ours
Because you are a sticky for me
To note, remember, that although I know myself each day
See myself each day
Live me each day
I really should not forget
That I am still one great, strong piece of work.
The words you tell me often bother me
Too many times, I thought
How many more times will you tell me I am awesome
You’re an awesome woman, homegrown
And I blush, and cringe
Because though flatering to hear
It becomes difficult to believe
That a person I have known all my life
Can be this great
That I can truly be a gem worth treasuring
That I could have truly, slept on myself
It is shameful, really
But I need your eyes, I need to see me the way you see me.
That may be the purpose of you being here
And really, If for nothing else,
I at the very least, thank you for bringing me this.

Sept 20 5:54pm

Almond-milk-cream Cheesecakes

I smile at the wind as it blows
And once it stops I keep smiling still
Caught up in thoughts of crimson bluish greens
Turquoise coloured peanut butter mists
I smile thinking of cheese and chocolate soy milk
Lips draw apart, open to smile
Almond milk cream cheesecakes

I can talk for days about the things that make me smile
Graduation, walking up to the call of my name
The pride I get when I realize this chapter is over
Knowing that a new book opens still.
I smile thinking of the cheerleaders that’d be there
And of knowing that these folks could not keep me here

I smile at the thought of you being there
Being in your presence and smiling…the look on your face
That there. That look. The one that wonders what it is I’m thinking.
The look of your curiosity of my thoughts.
I smile, thinking of that.
In fact, these days, that and the thought of your gentle ways
Is really, what keeps boredom at bay.
It is what excites me. Keeps me from screaming out.

Here's To Hoping

There was a point when you got me
Had me
Holding on thight while you loosely
Loosely wooed me
I can truly say that I loved you
I can attest to these feelings too
Its true
What was doesn’t always remain
Things change
I’m glad they do.

On an average day, I’d think you up
Waiting patiently for you to profess your love for me
And you would too
Tell me I’m beautiful
That no one else would do
I remember,
I hope you do too

We’d meet on poetry street
I’d dedicate lines to you and me
To us, everything was real
I was your ideal and you, were my crazy twin
Remember what we used to be?
Your mother loved me, she’d always say I was it
But nothing in this world stays the same
Your level of respect for me, changed
I gave in, to everything
Would give, to get a chance to be with you
I remember you started to be untrue
Began thinking that I could never live without you
Began daring me in the ways that you acted
Hey, you know the measure of your masculinity
Isn’t in the number of the women he chooses
Yes, you were amazing, but is that some news?

Slowly, your pride began to divide us
One hell of an erosion, forced us to part
I’d cry, beg you to speak to me
Just so we’d last.

I had called you my joy
And with you gone, where was I to find a smile?

Depressed, upset, and angry
Sadness became a frequent friend to me
You’d string me, like some dolly
A puppet at a show that was yours to control
You made criticisms of your ideal
You eventually, strengthened me enough,
To leave.

So, stop, please.
I have not forgotten
My memory works well.
I remember, eee-verrr-yyy-thing.

The mistake I made with you wasn’t in loving you
It was in thinking you were even worthy of my love for you
Truth is,
There are many men who do not know what love is
When it hits them, they find reasons to sabotage it

Listen to me.
I am loving again
And your emailing attempts to get me to remain friends, are nothing short of ridiculous
You! Are ridiculous.
Its enough.

Stop emailing me, telling me you were sorry
Well OF COURSE, you’re sorry
Just as you should.
I am too, that I ever tried to give you something you really had no business fucking wid

Still, I hope you found love
And if not, I hope it chases you down, tackles you to the ground and romances your brains out
I hope love loves you to your last breath
I hope it pleasures your soul
Till you rain on yourself
I hope it loves you, I do
Because having found love after you,
I cant imagine ever wishing on even my worst enemy,
That you don’t ever get to feel …this kind of love…that I feel for him.

1:17 ppm September 28, 2011

Set me free.

For some reason, I am awake at 2:34am, unable to sleep.
Unable to reach satiety from today’s experiences, I find myself lying bed, awake, hoping for some more.
You are slowly, yet quickly, becoming my newest obsession and I dare not deny that I have been here before.
I have a few times, tapped rapidly on the pause button to get myself to come back within, to my thoughts, to self, to rational self, where I am able to confirm to myself, that really, I don’t want to rush this.
But my blood races too fast for this 10miles per hour pace we’re walking. It does 60 on a 40. My desires, are even faster.
You may not know it, but on so many thoughts, I have undressed you. I have had you in my favourite ways, and I see in it your eyes that you are deeply, deeply in-to me.
The lights are off after dark but I see your eyes in the moonlight. You lower yourself onto me…your shirt on, buttons …undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, and give them back to m…undone. I like holding your face, its no lie,… it feels so good to touch the dark rich tone that covers it.
I can feel you fill me, and there, right then, nothing else in the world matters. You save the sounds from my lips, holding them within you… my fingers knead your back, and you handle me, lovingly, and let our sounds resonate into the air. You are set free.
I am ready.
On you, I am made queen. Leading you into my queendom, I give you a slow but steady tour. The dark encircles us, and for some reason, this is where I often stop.
So you see, my dear, I am yet to come with you. I am yet to be free.
I want you to finish what we started.
So I find myself wishing, several moments through the day, that I had taken the chance when I had it.

3:02am September 20/11

Pony Ride

I observed your twists, watched your silhouette form as you blocked out the moon
Watched it reappear behind you
Began to love seeing it disappear behind you
As I winced in pain
Began to crave it still
Though the pain was excruciating
Watching you ride on
Watching you
Craving you
You took me for a ride, you
Though I cried, you rode on still
Long enough
Hard enough
I just couldn’t, satisfy you
You reached over, and in the dark, feeling on my sheets
You grabbed her
And suddenly, I realized
I wish it did not take me so long
I wish I had known what I knew all along
I realized then
You are not the god I thought you’d be
Amongst the lowest of the low
Beneath the ground, underneath the earth
Crawling with the worms, though underserving of that
You wore the devil’s shell ever so well
Deceit at it’s best
You acted out the god I needed then
One hell of a mirage
Shatan was this man.

So on this day as I move through my daily routine
Washing the dishes, and fixing the holes in my walls
I realize, that I changed on the avenue that is you
I did, I changed, I did
Something within me was made anew
Something dark, deceitful, and blue
I remember your apology you sent me
It took you years to see the wrong you were?
You’re sorry for fuckin the friendship up
I simply shook my head
I mean… after so many years
You still were in denial
And you weren’t about to deceive me once more
That that was a friendship
Because that is one thing you never took from me
I still know what a friend should be.

But the sun is out today
And the trees are begging in your name
Asking for a new breeze to be let through
The birds are chirping new songs
Nothing familiar; all new
And my face is dry, no more streaming
I am healed, the wounds are scars
I can speak your name without hate
I can sleep without dreaming everyday of the numerous ways you could be found dead at the street corner
Do you understand?
Somewhere along the way
I had stopped wondering what could have been
Life took over
Time pulled me through
Somewhere along the way
I had forgiven you.

Sept 9, 2011

Miss E. Ducated.

The body is a student
Forever learning what we teach it
Be it knowingly
When we set out to let it learn
Or unbeknownst

I know the feeling
I feel the feeling
I see it coming
Like its already here
But hidden
So tell me, what exactly, are you hiding?

What am I about to hear
My heart asks “when will you tell me”
I don’t want to go on this trip
Playing hide and seek all through
You can just let me know
So I can gently, let go

It don’t even hurt anymore
The last time, I didn’t even get angry
The other time, I didn’t even cry
I remember the fool wanted to trip
You should’ve seen himHe started yelling in his desperate attempt
Tried flipping the script
But I tell you this
Since the beginning of time
Not one man on earth
Has ever been right, while wrong

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
A light bulb stays lit at my temple
Constantly getting new ideas
Of what the finding could be
Always worried, anxious
Like something is about to happen
I remember Yolanda’s story
Saintiah, Biola, Debra… these folks taught me
It really isn’t you, its human nature, I guess
It’s the order of things
The order is within you, within me
A timing on my heart’s clock, is set

I feel anxious
Like some new discovery is about to be made
Like something is about to happen
I don’t remember all the lies ever told to me
But my heart knows the feeling
I feel less pain with each lie
But my mind is forever changed
I find myself inquiring on things that aren’t necessarily there
But knowing that they aren’t there is scary
Because it hurts worse to get caught off guard
A girl’s been too foolish once too many
Times and time again, I’ve discovered lies
I’d much rather know that you’re untrue
And find out that you really are
Than think you’re real
And come to find you aren’t

My heart counts
Days, hours, minutes…moments
And I hear it whistling to me
Its saying something oddly familiar
Telling me, its about that time
Its about the time I catch you in your lies
And find out all the lies you’ve told all along
Bleed you through
And free myself of you
As I move on to the next dude
And start this cycle anew.

Hey, I know that I’ve got issues
I know this some scary shit
I do, really!
But I have a heart
And it learns well
Miss Educated
Knows History, Chemistry, Endocrinology
My heart knows happiness
And historically, its used to it concluding
In a wave of abrupt sadness
Its used to adoring
Then hating, regreting
Its well aware of the law of gravity
That what goes up, must come down
Miss Educated
A plus, all through
No one ever did tell it,
That what goes up,
May just be something true.

September 28, 2011