My shortest fling

i dont know what to name you
so you shall remain the nameless one.

met you in the elevator a while ago
you came in,
smiled.
i looked up,
smiled.
and like you didnt matter,
i returned to my text world.
when you spoke to me.
you spoke.
i mean... boy did you ever speak!

pulling me right out of that trance...
you spoke me out of it
gave me a short time away
from away...


tall, big grin animated your face.
you are beautiful.
so so beautiful.

strange.
i hardly noticed your lack of melanin.

yet i felt it.
you should be mine...
for a little while
as we elevated through those floors
for some silly reason
i had the pleasure of being with you.
you were mine.
and you cherished my love,
and gave us your all.
and cared for me.
supported me.
bubble baths, candles lit... dinner on me...

you wanted the best for me.

you are my shortest fling.

so it makes me so sad
to hear you say today
that you'd be moving away.
you've found another place.

"congratulations"
and you replied...
"yeah, we bought a house."
i wanted to ask...
who did you buy it with?

Hold my hand.

whos got a plank?
how much do woods cost?
how far must i cross?

and amidst this,
misty wells erode these hills
as curtains plays the veils

like a stage play
masks fits snuggly
frightened faces
unsure of making history

relentless beauty
restless wheels
not staying here nor there
afraid of weakened soul

your beauty remians untarnished
but somehow, you must grow

"girl, you dont even know how to morn"

walk with me
talk with me
share with me
i need ur reassurance
as you need mine

lets make a bridge
with heavy strong woods
a bridge that can take the weight
the aches
the pain
the love the cheers
let me be it
so i can hold your hands
and you mine
as we cross these heavy times
and hope for brighter days

Remembering... My first loves

i remember at 21
i had just moved back home after 2yrs of college

had to leave mom's home since she couldnt respect my opinion.

"you know what, mom? just so you know, if ever i want to get married, and when i am ready to choose, you can be rest assured, that i wont be looking for a man who can get along with you. A little naija man who- at your beck and call, hurries because "culture" dictates so. I wont pick one because he postrates at your presence. i hate to break it to you but MA MARRIAGE WONT BE ABOUT YOU! You wont be in it. I'll rock that ring, and it'll remain a pact between me, and whoever else i'm with. Between two people, where there wont be any intruders. If i'm with a man, Mother, it'll be because i want him, he wants me, and he respects me. Now let this be the last time you speak to me about something I've already discussed with you. We can agree to disagree. i'll move out next month."

and i did.
years later,Mama and I, are even closer.
Mama calle me when she makes my fav. meals,
calls me to pick some mails up,
sometimes still deliver my mails for me,
Still still calls me for my opinions about life

Thesame Mama who once attempted to break open a papaya
with her bare hands, because i was so hungry
i remember...
Thesame woman who had multiple jobs and 5 kids,
Thesame woman who managed to pay through way through ....
highschool, university...
a woman in an African country
This woman who consults me with her issues,
but never did she bring that topic up again.

"dad, wait! i really dont wanna hear anymore. You may stop calling me all you like if you dont like what i'm about to say because frankly, i wont stand to be disrespected! i mean- here you are being a hypocrite, telling me its "much better" to marry a naija man when YOURSELF are a naija man AND u didnt treat ma mom well! how dare you! you are here, calling me up to preach something that you yourself have failed at. LET THIS BE THE LAST TIME you speak to me about such an issue! Being a naija doesnt make a man a good husband. EVEN YOU have proved that. so respect me enough to at least, respect my opinion as a grown adult. If i do make a mistake, its fine. life isnt about mistakes- but about learning. thanks."

years later, ma Dada is still ma Dada.
The same man who would tickle me silly
i'd laugh till i cried
i'd roll on the living room floor
he'd give me his left overs
he'd bribe me. give me a five naira bill, in exchange for a bold dare-
"go slap ur sister in her face"
and i'd know better.
because the first time i did, not only did Ambition beat me shitless
but my daddy also scolded me, for being so stupid
"yes i told you to, but if i told you to jump off the balcony, wonld you do that too? dont you know the difference between right and wrong?"
he laughed at me, that husky deep throat of his
bears the coldest, yet heartiest storngest laughter
it comes from outside of him
it comes somewhere from beneath him
the source of his voice,
is the earth we thread on.
With a voice like a firery thunder,
he laughed at me, as he pulled me closer, hugging me.
"oya pele"

i remember...
Thesame man who'd beat mom into one too many uncounscious episodes,
Thesame one who i have now come to forgive
Thesame one who manages to reoffend
Thesame one who somehow, thinks he deserves that "fatherly" role
Thesame one whose love remains so unporportioned

Thesame one who i cant help but love
and hope someday, can heal, with.
My first love. My dad, never did bring the topic up again.

Experience, teach me!

If a mistake is being made,
then let it be just that; made.
For i am ready to be corrected, to learn and to accept
which ever way this ends, I am ready to let it be.

I'm moving in with TBS.

and whatever happens after then, just needs to happen.
i cant be bothered with worrying anymore.
if this is the wrong choice,
then i need to find out.
not by wondering, assumptions or suspicions.

i need to find out through experience.
so here i am, consulting my best teacher.

Experience, i am here to learn.
Let life be my classroom, while you be the book.
let the lecture begin!

Meme 2

Got this meme from a friend...

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
on my left pinkie. i got a cut on a broken window piece

2. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
hotness. my first ever flip phone (use to hate them). nokia, i've had to switch it 7 times in 4 months

3. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
anything that speaks to me.mostly neosoul music. Gotta love Jill Scott and Lauryn Hill!

4. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
i think 7pm... i think

5. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to go back to studying

6. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
naija. my cousins. being young and having nothing to worry about.

7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
my love for myself. I couldnt sell it for anything.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
TBS's smell in my sheets, on days that i miss him.

9. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
nope.

10. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
ya, at times. didnt start sleeping in the dark till my 20s. still sleep with the light on most nights

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME TO WEAR?
sung. it reminds me of my sister back in the days

12. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
short waves, clean cuts, lined up

13. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO
poor TBS... he has such a dream to live up to. well, i guess i'd settle for a place somewhere in nigeria on some mountain. or maybe in Jamaica in the prescence of a live band, with his friends watching lol

14. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
coffee with half-cup of cream and 4 sugars.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
ham and extra cheese

16. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
just had spagetini with tiger shrimps in tomato alfredo sauce. cant wait till TBS wakes up to have a taste. i tell ya, i'm such a great cook!

17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
OMG what a question! u know i've actually never thought of this.

and i wont start thinking about it now.

too damn selfish to care. NEXT!!!!

18.DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
yes, why do you ask?

19. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
wow! i think it was money. it must've been $70 naira and i spent it all on candy in one store, at one time. mind you, at the time, $70 then was more like $500 now. i later stopped accepting gifts from the guy when i found out he was stealing his parents stuff to sell to get the money to spend on me. i felt so bad. more details about the guy later

20. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
if they were worth it, sure! i love travelling and long distance relationships give me the chance to have my breathing space, while being committed so i really wouldnt mind.

Blinded, Wounded, Free, Home.

Slowly, you are unaddicting yourself, breaking free from those chains, loosening its grips… contemplating walking away.

Remember; snails don’t win races. But they make it. And this race aint about who got there when, but simply about who got there.

Hurt, but free…

Wounded as a jail bed with its clipped wings, yet… you

You walk away. Free

Like that pet who stepped in the trap

Yes, you do remember

Blinded wounded bleeding dog… walked home at last

Baby you have been so lost.

And times when you saw the glittery smokes of home, thought you were so close to home, thought you have finally… at last broken free

But what is meant to be, will be

And what wasn’t didn’t.

It never did happen.

So those times when you were so glad thought finally, you had managed to get away.

You walked right back baby girl because a habit is a habit and at times, a habit becomes your home because home becomes hard to live in. it’s hard getting reused to things…

I know.

I’m welcoming you home.

So please remember that the failures weren’t failures. Your returns weren’t returns but merely journeys through the process of unaddiction.

To "un-addict", you must reddict.

Rebounds aren’t sweet, but they are necessary.

And loses aren’t lost because without them, you’d still be stuck.

Love, put your hand down. That’s it; beneath you… you feel the rock?

Yes it might hurt but you must feel it!

And the tears will come, drown as much as you need.

And when you are ready, you may rise out of that sea.

Baptism isn’t only for the righteous. But also for the healing.

Unaddicted, so you’d be born anew.

So pick up your gloves and brush up your pens because it aint gon be easy though the worst is history

You sure have made it

Look ahead- forward to better days, catching up on what you’ve lost and remembering that the lost times aren’t lost times, because Regardless if it meant failing, falling and flawing all the way through. Truth is, you did what you had to do to get here.

Whatever had to be, had to be.

Celebrate today.

I raise my glass. Half full! And make a toast.

Truthfully

“To MY better days!”

Questions for you.

If you got with a partner, and you two have been dating for a few years
you two have discussed marriage and you've made plans for it although you arent engaged
And then after a while, you realise that he or she has some learning disability or even worse... read on...
1.would it impair the way you feel about the person?
2.would you still marry such a person?
3.would your answer be different if you found out it wasnt just a learning disability, but a dominant disorder i.e theres a good chance your kids will have learning disabilities
4. would you remain with your current partner if they were suddenly diagnosed with a debilitating disorder (such as ALS or Lou-Gherig's disease) which will eventually disable them from moving or speaking, and eventually kills them?


Sorry, i know these questions are esxtreme but i have my reasons. And no, this isnt about me. Please answer accordingly. thanks

Reflex Action 2

I had been so busy that I hadn’t followed up with Tope (Ambition's ex) as planned

But yesterday, I was so bored, dead tired of doing absolutely nothing, that…

Well, I called Tope- Ambition’s ex boyfriend who owed her a lot of money.

But instead I didn’t call Tope’s cell.

I called Tope’s house, knowing that his mother would answer my call.

A sleepy groggy curious feminine voice answered

“hello?”

“hi, is this Mrs. *******?”

“yes, please who is this?”

“its Truth BeTold. Ambition’s sister”

“Truth?” she repeated, confused.

“yes, Truth! I just wanted to speak with you about your son, Tope. Tope owes Ambition a lot of money, and he hasn’t paid it back” I raised my voice higher, this matter demanded that my voice’s decibel be increased “I think you need to have a word with your son, because owing someone money is one thing, but calling the person and leaving them a message, telling them never to call you to ask for your money is yet another, and I personally think that is extremely ridiculous. Mrs *****, I suggest you have a good word with your son because he definitely needs to pay my sister back her money!”

“okay, but I didn’t even know about this…”

“and I honestly think that is really silly! I blame Ambition for this. Because I cant imagine me not informing the parent of an apparently boastful boy, when he owes me money. Ambition is quite silly. If she was any smarter, she would’ve informed you much sooner. I think it is important that you’re informed about this situation.”

“But its 4 am in the morning here, and I understand that you are upset, but you have to understand that I didn’t know about this situation and for you to call me, waking me up so early in the morning…”

I interrupted “Exactly ma’am! And that was the intention. DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF YOU IF I HAD CALLED IN THE DAY TIME? Mrs ****, Ambition might be my sister, but I aint as silly as she might seem to be. I am not going to call in the daytime because all I’m going to get is your kids, telling me that you aren’t home, or leaving stupid warning messages for my sister. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT I WONT BE STANDING FOR! This needs to come to an end and I think to end this, it MUST be blown out of proportion and Blowing it out of proportion is what I’m here for. Nice to meet you Mrs. *******, but my sister MUST GET PAID HER MONEY!”

“How much does he owe her?”

“at least $1500!” I cringed. The thought of it just pissed me off even more! “Isnt that nuts? How can your son owe someone such amount of money and then call the person, telling them never to call hima gain just because they cant their money back?!”

“what did he borrow it for?”

“He said he needed to pay off ANOTHER debtor and my sister being the kind but naïve girl she is, gave him the money!”

“When did he borrow the money?”

“I don’t know but I know he was suppose to pay It back about 8 months ago!”

“okay, but I’d .like to know- how did you even come into the picture? How did you come to know of this?”

I wanted to laugh! I was so angry! Was this woman indirecting asking me “how is this your biz-wax?"

I told her:

“How I know about this? I know because I HAVE READ THE EMAILS HE SENT TO HER AND I’VE ALSO HEARD THE MESSAGE HE LEFT HER! “

This is true. What Ambition didn’t know was before she told me, I’d known about his. I know a lot of things that shes done. I once hacked (don’t ask how) into her email box and got all the information. I’ve since kept Tope’s email addresses and phone number which I obtained from the email, for a day like this, when I decide to take matters into my own hands. Icontinued …

"I know! And I really wasn’t going to do anything about this but it looks like he wont be owning up to his responsibility without a jump start, so you have a word with your son and jump start him into giving my sister her money!”

“Okay, well I don’t even know anything about this and I think you should at least respect me. I am a woman of God and I don’t like dealing with issues this way”

“Its perfect that you are a man of God, so please tell your son that if he wants his prayers answered and he wants to get anywhere in life, he needs to pay my sister her money. Because I’m sure God doesn’t reward people taking advantage of kind-hearted blessed angelic souls. My sister is one of the extremely few people on this earth who should be awarded for their kindness, and I think your son is one of the reasons why we don’t have more people like her. I have told her NUMEROUS TIMES THAT BEING NICE DOESN’T GET YOU ANYWHERE! TO GET ACTIONS, YOU MUST BE ASSERTIVE AND CURT! IF SHE’D NEVER LENT HIM THE MONEY, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. SHES TOO NICE AND THIS IS WHAT SHE GETS FOR IT! I’M NOT GOING TO BE NICE! NEITHER DO I THINK I SHOULD GIVE RESPECT WHEN MY SISTER IS BEING WRONGED! I’M LEARNING FROM HER MISTAKES! TALK TO YOUR SON! ”

“okay, good night”

“bye”.

That was our conversation. I’ll wait for the son of a woman to call my sister again.

I called Ambiton and told her- she was amused. She seemed hopeful that this will sure help her to get the money because he wont want his mom troubled. But I reminded her that just because you troubled someone, doesn’t mean they’ll pay you back the money. I told her- I wasn’t trying to help her get her money back, I was trying to help her show him that she isn’t passive. She too, can fight back. well, sorta ;)

Kimani Episodes 2

So there i was in the hallway, looking at the man who'd further refine me.
i looked at him
he said
"hi, i'm Kimani"
"Truth here- nice to meet you Kimani. i guess u're Wapa's friend?"
"yea, i've known Wapa and his sister for a while..."
and the convo went on...

i should've ran
why?! oh why didnt i have a seizure at that moment!
why didnt i convulse? why didnt i act like a mad woman so he'd run away from me?!
but instead, i further fostered his interest :

we talked:...
"so what do you do?"
"i'm starting college next month. in a few weeks. i'm currently working, but i'd have to quit so i can get to school. i'm actually moving away for school"
"oh thats too bad. i'm going to school too. what're you going for?"

i told him. i asked him thesame and he said "International Marketing". Funny. He never did go for that.

After the party, he drove me, and Wapa's sister and a few other people home. Wapa's sister lived at the party spot- she only came for the ride. Along with Kimani, Wapa's sister and i, were Damilola, and his friend. Damilola had a thing for me. I kinda had (have?) a thing for him too. So on our way to drop them off, i felt so guilty. i remember my consience nagging at me.
But anyway, they finnally got out of the car. Then it was just Kimani and I.

Then he did it.
i have a bad sense of smell, but nothing hides the smell of cigarrettes smoke. i looked over, and saw what i couldnt believe! he was smoking! it finnally began t make sense- the dark lips.

"do you mind?"
"oh is the cigarrette smoke bothering you?"
"yes, a whole lot"
"sorry"
and he abruptly, got out of the car, to smoke.

and i became a believer. I became a believer, forgetting that charms do fade. Truth, charms do fade.
Truth, charms do fade. Truth, rememeber, charms do fade. I needed to BeTold, "Truth, charms do fail".

but i didnt realise that, then. so i stayed. He dropped me off at my house and that was it.
We talked all night. i found out more about Kimani-

Kimani, lived with his sister. They lived here in the country alone. Both parents were back home.
Him and his sister and his sister's boyfriend lived together in a basement apartment. Both him and his sister would be starting college in January- same time i'd start. It was great! i thought i'd found a new list of friends. I was glad. I was... dreaming.

Kimani brought me over to his place once. and i should have seen it, but i kept my eyes closed. I should've seen all the signs- all over the apartment were warnigns signs that said different variations of "caution; DANGER AHEAD!"
but a bat will be blind till it sees light. and boy was i ever blind!

I got into the dark apartment, was welcomed by the chills of the spot... and walked down the stairs after him. Looked to the left, and failed to see the dark remnants of a pigsty. I looked away, and turned to the right, to what would be his room. In there, was a bed, and not much else. CIggarete smoke lingered in the air, and a deepfreezer hummed closeby. I sat down, quietly. Quietly.
I knew this wasnt a place for me. But i was a believer. I had a thing for this man. And i thought it was about time i gave a man from my home, a try. I sat on the edge of the bed. He came close, and we talked. I think we kissed that night. He dropped me home shortly after.

The night i met Kimani's sister, Zebe, she was standing in the hallway. I saw her, and for some reason, a hallo hung over her head. LoL! That was ironic. I got to know her much better, later.

I met Zebe's boyfriend later, and soon got to realise what kind of people they were.
They smoked like they breathe. They drink like they ate. Smoking and drinking were like their O2 and CO2. They did it constantly- nonstop!

I mean, i'd had friends who smoke and drank, but this was nuts. Every conversation was about weed, ciggarrettes, and booze. Their all, revolved around those three devils. Their addictions were their lives. And denial was their key. You couldnt get these people to see it.
They fought everyday- and no i dont mean every other day. I mean- everyday!
Grown folks, fighting over cancer sticks ever day, day in , day out! fighting became the norm.


Kimani's story gets exhausting. Recounting it makes me want to cry. Makes me want to find him, and inject the regreats, memories, moments right back into him. So he can have it all- have it all... i dont want none of it.I'd like to say, "Kimani, take your shit back." Because even thinking about it, tires me. The rest'll have to wait for another day.