Reflecting on my 2010 (... candidly).

January


Sex: I had sex with my ex on the fourth... in my sister’s bed. That last statement could have easily gone down below in the “Regrets” section because I sure as hell almost wish I had not however, the consequence of my action is that I now, know better. Never will I ever have sex with that dude ever again. The sex was not worth a quater of the issues that came as the aftermath. While sexing him, the condom broke and being a non-believer in the use of Day-After-Pills, I didn’t use one. I remember he prettymuch threw the money at me for me to go get one. To be honest with you, I couldn’t believe that that was thesame TBS. Oh well, that was me and sex for January.
Health: My health in January was alright, I guess. Other than my regular acne that was under control, the only other issue was that I thought that I was pregnant. After our little sex-thing, my ex and I didn’t “jive” anymore because I seriousl y thought that I was prego. I didn’t get my period (though it was due to appear that same week) till the 29th of January. When I told him that I was pregnant, he laughed and didn’t call for a while... till my birthday. Hmm... lets just say that things have not been thesame. No, I was not pregnant... my period was just extrememely late. This may’ve been due to some hormonal imbalances or maybe I really was in the process of conception but the process was interrupted for one reason or another. Eitherway, my health issue in January was more of a mind one. I was confused and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone that I thought that I was pregnant and I (just in case) even looked into an abortion clinic because the thought of having to be pregnant with school or be a student and a mother scared me. I was to abort by February 14, if I would be and if I was pregnant. This would’ve been my first abortion.
Love: Similar to the distance between never-never-land and reality, this four-letter-word was farrrrr farrrr from my mind. I was bitter at myself and had lost my faith in love. TBS was the only dude that I ever thought had true love for me but with him disappointing me well,... I became sceptical over the whole love thing. Very unusual for me but in January 2010, I was not in love with anyone at all, though I was still communicating with Telly (my old Texan friend).
Memories: Not much else for memory other than that and me leaving the student council at school. We had an election and I went up against another candidate for presidency, and lost. That was alright but I did not believe in this girl’s ideas and neither did I subscribe to her “ i care for the students” theme. I felt like she had more egotistical beliefs and had a authoritative way of leading. I was more authoritarian in my ways and I felt like the council was becoming more of a “clique” (a friendship meeting) than an actual organization. I tendered my resignation and left the council as quietly as I ever joined, after two years.
School: School was starting to kind’a look hard. With 5 cources (keep in mind that 3-4 is considered full time) I was starting to see that “shit, I’ll actually have to really try hard to make it through this semester”. A tough factor to deal with was my fianancies that were extremely minimal. Just couldn’t get to pay for school so that didn’t help. I began to work alot less too, because school was very strenuous and time consuming. Working less didn’t help because it only made the situation worse. I got distressed financially and socially.
Joy: Also far from me. Instead of joyfulness, I had hopefulness. I did not want whatever was brewing to brew. I focused more on September 2010 (when I’d have to have the baby) and it looked so gloom.
Regrets: I was still regretting ever inviting the girl I went up against to presidency (we’ll call her Mindi) to the council (to be honest, I didn’t mean to invite her, I meant to invite her friend instead, and only). Also regretted ever sexing TBS again.
Accomplishment: On January 29, I got my period and accomplished something beautiful: the realization of the fact that now, I had been given another chance. Also, giving up the council was VERY difficult because I didn’t trust who I was leaving it to, and didn’t believe that my work on it would be sustained because the new leader had a different view of things however, I had to realize that I was not the council and that the council was not me and also that this was not my goal when I enrolled back in school in the first place...I had more pressing issues so I did it and that to me, was an accomplishment.


February


Health: I was starting to notice a pattern in me. I had a new professor who I had dreaded even before taking her course. In January, I started a four-month course with her and by February, was shaking in my boots. She intimidated me but I thought “oh well”. My physical health was alright until I went for my pap test and was told that I had abnormal cells. I was to go for a second test. Also, on the 17th of February, I had an accident with my car (it involved black ice, car rolling over, and night time... not pleasant) that ended up leaving me carless because it was totalled. In conclusion, I was afraid of this but I didn’t pay much attention to it because slowly, I was starting to feel “sad” about other things... finances, loss of my car, isolation and school, to be exact.
Love: I got a break from my dark days when I jumped town for my march break (which happened to be in February). On valentine’s, I fell in mini love with a dude at a party and please note, that the word “mini” was typed there for a reason. I was enthralled into him...looks, and knowledge (not intellect, but knowledge) and charisma... all that. I wanted so bad, to have him but I knew that I didn’t live there and neither did he. We both were strangers in another’s city. I was not available (due to my instability) and neither was he, for thesame reason. I thought... I’d do him, but I wont be able to. Lets call this do, “Teeth”. Tolly (my Texan old frined) was still int he picture.
Sex: Teeth was staying at his friend’s house and we went over there on Valentines, and did it. Okay, this is one hell of a significant event for me because I’d tried SOOOO MANY TIMES in my life to have a one night stand and I just never could! Well, I broke that streak that night... and it was good, though I didn’t come... and yes, we did it in his friend’s bed. Hmm... i see a pattern here.
Joy: I had thought that I’d be aborting on the 14th, instead, I was making love. Imagine the irony! I was glad that I had a choice to do something else other than having my womb scraped out *urrrgh*.
Money: I had none. Honestly. I think I finally received some $ for my car from the insurance company in March.
Memories: I had met a girl online a few years ago and she decided to come down to town and we got to meet. I went out partying with her and we also went thrift shopping. I was so glad to have finally, met her. In addition to her, I met her beau (one of my worst enemies at a point in my life) who I knew and had prayed never to give the benefit of meeting me but well, I did get to meet him that one time, for her sake. We’ll call her “Nini” and him, “Bean”. I also met a friend at thesame party where I met Teeth... we’ll call her “Natu”.
Regrets: Meeting Bean. He’d text me stupid things for months to come (he got my number because Nini had called him with my phone once). I eventually changed my number at the end of the year and rid my life of his stench. Never again! Another was doing it in Teeth’s friend’s bed. I shouldnt’ve. Nuffsaid. Also, I stayed with Teeth that night and ended up missing my hair appointment. That was a mess! I hated that. I totally regret not checking the weather before driving on the 17th.
Accomplishment: I got to get over my fear or inability to have one night stands. I got to escape my gloom too... taking the week off to that city, shone a ray of light into my life because I had been so gloomy for so long.



March


Health: Poor. I was so sad. Slowly, depression crawled in bed with me and we’d do it every night and sometimes, all day... for hours... for days. I had claudication in my legs and although I’d had this for years, walking to school reminded me daily, that I shouldn’t take the realization for granted.
Love: I was in love with a guy I met online who lived in London, England. I didn’t think that he was physically it, yet I loved his way with words. I admired him... and liked that he was in love with me. Lets call this dude Bunk. I didn’t love Telly, yet I stayed in contact with him.
Sex: None.
School: I could barely make it to work at all and school? Now that I had no car, I wasn’t going to school as often. The bus system was awful (twice an hour at rush hour) and the weather was freezing. With the claudications in my legs, it wasn’t pleasant to walk to school even when I had enough energy to get out of bed... on days when I’d go to school, I’d feel so inferior, “stupid” and got really good at hiding my sad demons. This was my toughest semester.
Joy: None other than Darque, my dog.
Money: I got money for the car that I had crashed, and tried not to spend much of it (ha!). I paid off some minor loans that I had and asked a friend for help to get a new (used) car.
Memories: Dark days, no cars, Darque, and that one assignment I had at school that took so much of my time and boy was it ever difficult.
Regrets: Crashing my car! Arrrgh!

Accomplishment: Managing to live without a car... and making it to school on days that I did.



April


Health: I had forgotten about my pap test result and the need for a follow-up test till this month. To be honest, I didn’t care. If I did at all, I secretly wished that whatever it was could slowly, kill me. The thought of death was on my mind, constantly. On April 24th, after an exam for which I barely answered any questions at all, I attempted to find a means to end my life but the string with which I tried, was not stable enough. I called Bunk and my sister afterwards and called 911 shortly after. This day doubles as both my “rock bottom” day and my most embarrassing day as my old boss (for when I used to work on the student council) got to see me in my “ball of mess” mode as paediatrics and a cop came to assist me to the hospital. Not only for this reason was it embarrassing... also, the hospital to which I was admitted, was where I worked. The doctor who admitted me, was one that I had and would also be working with in the future. I knew then, that work would never be thesame for me. Her attitude towards me was less than professional and the hospital staff weren’t the most courteous. I received less than dignifying care in the ER and was glad to have that cop with me because he seemed to care. Once admitted to the mental health unit, I was able to retain some of my privacy because it was not the unit on which I worked. I prayed each moment I’d leave my room and everytime they’d have a shift change that no one I knew from my professional setting would see me there, as a patient. Most times, my prayer was answered... other times, they were not. Maybe it was a good thing then, that I was overmedicated for the first few days so that my embarrassment wasn’t so much of an issue to me. Instead, sleep and this one image (that reminds me of a thumb print and and a needle prick-finger cap and childhood, and neon reddish changing colors), did. My mom and my sister came to visit me and I kept in touch with Bunk and Telly.
Love: Telly, thought I was not in love with him, was in the picture, and so was Bunk however, I didn’t have much space in my mind to be truly in love with anyone. However, both Bunk and Telly were aware of my admission.
Sex: None.
School: My most pressing issue (right next to health). I was certain that I would flunk out of one course (was doing well in others, but the one where I had that professor that I had issues with. This was thesame prof who taught the course for the exam that I had not written anything. I was certain that I had failed the course. During the exam, I felt like the prof and I was communicating... more like a one-way communication in which she was telling me that she knew I had failed the exam, and the whole course. I felt like the whole situation was a set-up, to see how bad I could fail. I felt her words in my mind as she slowly mysteriously etched the words “stupid” in my head. I felt like we had sat in the specific chairs we sat in, strategically so that she could have a perfect view of me without making it look too obvious. I felt like this was a conspiracy, orchestrated by her.). At the end of the month, I got my result and other than this course, I had As and Bs. In this course, I had a C; I passed by “0.01%”. Although I had a letter from the psychiatrist to assist me with an appeal for the exam so that I may take it again, I decided not to dare it. I had passed... though with an awful result. At the end of the month on the 22nd, I was discharged. By then, I had met Merina, a student who was also admitted on the mental health unit however, she went to a different school out of town. She was a strength for me in a lot of ways. When she shared her story with me, I felt so selfish and realized two things: 1. If you were to hear your neighbour’s troubles, you’d choose to stick with yours (you wouldn’t want to trade yours for theirs). 2. It isn’t the issues that matter, its your ability to cope with it, that truly does.
Joy: My family came through for me. So did my landlord, who cared for my dog on such short notice. So did my room mate (who I truly find repulsive) and friends.
Money: Still saving the $ I had for my car...spent alot of it, however.
Memories: Dark memories and happy ones as my family came to help and frie
nds too. At the end of it all, I went to spend time at my mom’s house and was alright there for a while. Myself and my sister found a stray dog “Pluto” on the streets and I decided to keep it for a while till it is claimed. Oh well, no one claimed it and If I had been at home, I would’ve kept it, however, I decided I’d let it stay with me till I give it out to the shelter. Eventually, I hit a new wall with my brother who I’d never really gotten along well with. He was cruel to my dog(s) and I called him out on it and well, that didn’t go very well. He claimed he’d kick the dogs out if ever I leave the house without them and I thnk that was enough for me. I called a friend and moved over there with the dogs. I was glad to be leaving the memories of my brother behind. Lastly, my sister and I started. Natu and I hung out with her friend “Dar”.
Regrets: None other than the wish that I had not gotten ill.
Accomplishment: Though woefully, I passed.


May


Health: I was now, on medications and struggling to keep up with them. Not only was I gaining weight at an alarming rate but my sleep was out of sync and I couldn’t remember to take the pills sometimes. Gradually by the end of the month, I started to take it less consistently and more sporadically. Also, I couldn’t find a job just yet and this was an issue for me.
Summer: I went on a trip with two friends to California in the United States. It was fun and probably the highlight of my summer.
Love: I was in love with Bunk and kept in contact with Telly. I wanted to meet Bunk...so bad but the chances were looking really slim. I was not financially stable enough to fund the trip to see him and he was not suggesting that he would so that was that. Slowly, I began to think of him less and less. Also, in this section goes my meeting with Modes, a dude I had met from God knows where! I think I met him online. When I met him in person, I got to realize that I had actually known him about 8 years ago when he’d just moved to this country but lost contact with him... truth is, Id stopped communicating with him because he was just too stagnant and too content with that fact.
Sex: I reconnected with Teeth and although I was not in love with him, we kept having sex. Slowly, I began to lose interest in having sex with him. Although I didn’t have sex with him, I had orals with some dude I met on my trip to Cali and well, it was alright. His dark chocolate skin is to die for though he was mega short  Whats with me and short dudes? Really? I think I do have an attraction to them lol oh well...
School: School was out.
Joy: California :)
Family: In a long email, I wrote a letter to my family and sent it to everyone but my brother and dad since I didn’t have their email addresses. I detailed my feelings on my relationship (or lack there of) with my brother and my reflections on it. I also finally disclosed that I was molested by a family member when I was younger (though I was sure to also note that it was certainly not by my brother nor by my dad). One of my sisters responded with disapproval for some (all?) of the contents and we eventually agreed to disagree. No other responses. I swore to never step foot in my mother’s house again and that family gatherings would have to be done in my absence.
Money: I bought the car, finally. Couldnt drive it however... so I waited. I got a job at the end of the month and also realized that without a second job, I would not be able to make enough to get back into school in September. I didn’t know what to do, really.
Memories: California
Regrets: Having a brother, ever caring why he hated me and ever thinking that he mattered. Oh, and ever including my real address on resumes (it deterred people from hiring me, I think...because it was obvious that I was from out of town).
Accomplishment: Getting a new job.


JUNE


Health: I was feeling better, I suppose. Happiness or (relative) normalcy, was resurfacing. My uncle came to town and after over 14 years, I got to see him again.
Love: I stopped loving Bunk. He’d lied to me about not living at home. How did I know? As I was chatting with him, I heard his mom call in the background and I am not a child so I know that when a mother calls her son who still lives at home, her tone of voice is different from when she calls one who doesn’t. Besides, when I asked where he was, he sad that he was at home yet, the background of the image of him on cam showed that he was in thesame bunk bed he has at home. The wallpaper was also thesame. I then knew, that he’d been lying to me. When I confronted him, he denied it and called me names. When I cursed him out for this, he called me crass. I wont ever forget that. I sent him a message saying that I’d have nothing to do with him. That was the end of it. Hell, I even stopped going to the site where I met him (a forum) because truth is that he’d spoilt the vibe of it for me.
Sex: Somewhat with Teeth but I had become disenchanted. I had never been able to “come” with this dude and I wasn’t in love with him. I decided to end it.
Family: I met my uncle and meeting him further replenished my wish to eventually move back home. Myself, him and my mom went to visit my dad but he was not home. Story was my uncle had called him and received no response so oh well. I fell in love with the idea of having a responsible and loving man as my father. I am not that fortunate. When he left, my neck shortened and my head then, returned from the clouds, into earth. I was my father’s daughter...no matter what.
School: Out.
Joy: Darque. My car. My friends. My family. A friend’s wedding (Mattie) was coming up next month and I was to be a maid of honor. The $ stress of that was pilling up and slowly, I began to realize that people sometimes, pass on their wedding costs to the participants in order to have good enough weddings. Arrrgh! Anyway, this is the “joy” section so I guess I’ve digressed. I reconnected with Beegee, an old friend who also was to be in the bridal train. Being at my friend’s house, it wasn’t easy caring for Darque. Darque caught fleas and this was the hardest thing for me to deal with this summer. I had no money to get her adequate vet treatment so I bought cheap remedies, and made some homemade ones. They didn’t work.
Money: None. Although I was working, I was also owing. The car I bought cost alot of money to fix and “put on the road”.
Memories: There were major issues for the upcoming wedding. Alot of feelings surfaced and I began to see Mattie in a different light. Needless to say, I held my ground. Also, Feather who was to be her maid of honor, was like 10000months pregnant. I thus, began to see my life under a different light. A reflection began.
Regrets: Not calling Beegee to sympathize when her dad passed. I apologised for this and this month, she forgave me.
Accomplishment: I’m not sure.


JULY


Health: not much at all. I’d prettymuch stopped taking my meds and was still relatively sane lol.
Love: Wasnt even thinking about Bunk anymore but Modes was in the picture. That man really TRIED for me. I owe him alot of thanks
Sex: So, I met some dude this month through another dude that I’d met this summer. Lets call this new dude Caghy. Caghy and I met and had sex on our second meeting. He was to be my second one-night-stand. We did the do and then did some more. I knew the moment I did him, that I’d break it off with Teeth... which I eventually did in July. My excuse to him? “I don’t want to fall in love with you, so I’ll have to stop sexing you”. What a lie!
School: Out for the summer.
Joy: My dog. I finally got to take her to the vet and started treatment on her. I also got to get her shots updated (finally!)
Money: Low as hell.
Memories: The wedding was awesome and it just may’ve been worth the stress. My friend Thethe came to the wedding and so did some of my famz. It was fun. Reverse back to the day before... at the engagement. I saw my dad and he made a funny comment saying “...you never call me. You wouldn’t even know if i was ill or hospitalized”. I remembered my April experiences and chuckled as I responded “i agree. Neither would you”, to which he said nothing. He asked me to call him the week after. I didn’t.
Regrets: Not sure if I had any... oh yeah but I did!!! I regret ever sexing Teeth more than once because in my opinion, it was a waste, since he never did make me come.
Accomplishment: Getting rid of Teeth and getting Darque her shots and meds.


August


Health: Alright, I guess. Now, after the storm, I started to rethink about my pap test. I still needed a follow-up test.
Love: I was starting to meet new people. Modes and I had grown apart and he was starting to show signs that he wasn’t in love with me anymore (smart of him)... wasn’t rude but would slowly stop returning my calls or answering calls. I was happy for him that he got over me because I really was not right for him. I fell in likeness and not enough of lust with this tall “Mixed” dude... we decided to give it a go at the end of August. Also, I was really feeling this one dude that I see on a chat site that I frequent. We’ll call him “Isli”, and the mixed dude “Mixed”.
Sex: was sexing Caghy till the end of the month when I met up with him to either break it off or clarify our feelings. I ended up just breaking it up because it was either him or Mixed and unlike him, Mixed was willing to commit. I wasn’t interested in someone for sex because summer was concluding and I wanted someone (my own, someone) to call on when I’m away at school and feeling my usual loneliness. Caghy wasn’t interested, though I didn’t ask him to be mine... I cried. I remember crying..i hated saying goodbye.
School: Was still out and I couldn’t wait to start my third year.
Joy: Darque, and Mixed, and having options. I loved having options... oh, and my mother. She came through for me. Also, my sister graduated.
Money: Had some... but would be going towards school as I got prepaired to start paying rent again. On my job, I gave a silly excuse for resignation (saying that I was moving back home but my story had even more fluff lol). I promised to keep in touch but knew that I wouldn’t.
Memories: My sister had finished school this summer and graduated
Regrets: Doubt that I had any...yet. Oh but I did! I regret not attending my favourite summer festival!!! Accomplishment: I concluded my relationships with those bootiemen 


September


Health: It was hard returning to that same spot where I had tried to end it all in April. What was even harder was that I had a class in that very room, every week. Eventually, I made a new memory in that class and it became just a classroom to me as opposed to a place of parasuicide(?). In some ways, this was an accomplishment. Love: Mixed and I didn’t last... matter of fact, the whole thing dissolved the day before school started. So much for thinking that it would’ve worked. Ohhhh wellllll. I fell in love deeeep with Isli. Isli was poetic, intelligent and tres sexy. I was in love again.
Sex: Nope.
School: I started a course with thesame prof, only this time, I was aware of my demons.
Joy: My darque.
Money: Hardly any at all, though I had a few hundrends from my summer job savings.
Memories: School started to look hard. For school, I had to practice on thesame place where I had been admitted in April. If you thinkt hat that must’ve been akward, you have NO idea.
Regrets: I didn’t regret much but the fact that I was ever sick. I went to work once and felt so akward. I was a wreck. On my way out of work that day, I feared I may never return.
Accomplishment: Going to work...getting over that fear.


October

Health: Not much to note. I started looking into getting an appointment for pap test followup. I booked one for August 2011... it was the earliest appointment I could get in town...what a pity!
Love: Not in love BUT this dude and I started talking... online, again of course haha! He was into BDSM and since I was curious about it too, I became his S and he became my M. I was more dominant than sadistic, to be honest. Lets call this dude “Slav”. Isli and I ended. I learnt never to trust anything that comes my way in the form of online long distance love, ever again. This is somewhat of an accomplishment.I started a project with him online (cant get into details, for anonymity).
Sex: None.
School: I was in a few groups for school and one of them was with two females that I usuall am in groups with and to be honest with you, they sort of suck. They’re underachievers (not by actions but by aspirations, which in my opinion, is the worse kind to be) and thus, were alright with handing in less than great work. This made ithard for me, I’ll agree. I decided not to work on the project by dominating it like I usually do. I’ll let them do as they please and wont do their parts for them (though I ended up doing ome of their parts, regardless). The host of that site started showing interest in me...It made me feel uncomfortable because I knew he was married and well, I also knew that what he thought of me, was not what was real...he saw me online. I am not that online character...I am human. This opened my eyes to the possibility that the men I meet through this medium, aren’t what I see.
Joy: It was nice having a companion. Isli was it till it ended, then Slav became it. Darque is always it.
Money: None...again. Nothing new, I guess. i borrowed money from Telly for part of my rent. When I asked him for it, he ignored the request, instead, he figured it'd be a great time to flirt with me and ask me whether or not I'd be his. i figured $275 wasnt enough for me to tell a lie for...not enough for me to brush his ego. Not while I'm only borrowing the money (not like he was giving it to me). I told him I doubt that was the right time to discuss it. He ended up sending the money. I will be paying it back in December.
Memories: I’ll never forget the skype communications Slav and I had. Interesting ones! Regrets: None.
Accomplishment: I made it through this month without going off the deep end.


November


Health: I started to feel “down”. Not much to say about that. I started to feel clouded.
Love: I asked Slav for money once (hardly ever do this, btw) and he disappeared the next day. It was too funny... but not really. What else? I talked to Caghy and he said he asked if I was still in a relationship (as I’d told him when we were endng it, that I was getting with someone new) and I said yes. I know I lied, but if I hadn’t, it would have looked as if I had told him I was getting with someone new in order to get him jealous. Anyway, he said he wished I wasn’t because he wanted someone and I was his best bet...didnt know what that means exactly. Oh well. He then told me that he met a girl at church that he was crushing on. He was going to see her again the next day (a Sunday). I called him afterwards on Sunday and then two more times but he never did answer myc all nor return them. I knew then that he was gone and stopped caling him; even deleted his number all together. That was it.
Sex: None.
School: This semester was hard and having to meet that Prof every week didn’t help. I figured that I better realize that I wont be making straight As this semester. Oh lawd! BOOOOOOOOO!
Joy: I came to my mom’s town and left my dog there since my brother was already out of the hosue and away at school and it was too cold to bring my dog with me back to school. Being away from her was nice because I didn’t have to walk her BUT it was tough because I didn’t know what was up with her.
Money: None
Memories: my days are darkening.
Regrets: Having only stayed with thesame group for school work and since the people are so bad with school work, being in a group with them was counterproductive. We almost failed our project.
Accomplishment: was there any? Maybe ? I stayed alive...i guess. I was so clouded though, geez!



December


Health: I lived in my mind alot these days. The month began with me being so lost. #1. I looked around me and everyone was either married, married with kids, had kids (rare without marriage) or about to get into one of those groups. I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want kids, yet I felt inadequate. #2. I was still without my Bachelor degree and that too, made me feel less than adequate. #3. I didn’t watn to stay in this country and i knew it’d be hard to find a partner who felt thesame. I was lost... in my state of confusion I turned to blogville to find an old blogfriend of mine. I actually logged on here o see if I'd find a way to contact her but...couldnt. Ironically, I saw that she too, had left a message, asking me to contact her. She asked me to email her but I couldnt as I couldnt find her email and because of my annonymity (hope am still anonymous), I couldnt leave my email on herefor her to contact me. I ended up logging off, disappointed. I was still so confused, lost and scared. To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel till the 24th when I sent my feelings in an inboxed FB message to two strangers on FB (these two females that alghouth I hardly ever communicate with, have known for years after meeting them online). Dont know why i decided to send them such a message that was so personal, but I did and am glad I did because they were able to relate. Communicating with them was really medicinal... it cleared my worries and made me feel “normal” and as if i was on the right path. I learned that (from this experience) it is important to have the right people around you, at the right times.
Love: Not much. Telly asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I told him its ridiculous that he'd even ask me considering him and I were yet to meet. I'd known this man for about 6 years and although he lived just one country over, we had never met. I refuse to fund my way there ... never believed in funding my flight to see a dude. He too, had never offered so I've left the issue as is. Not much else happened in the "love" category till the end of the year. I met with TBS and we went out to eat at an upscale restaurant but the kitchen was closed so we did drinks. I got to see that TBS could actually dress up! But not even that could make me want him. On the 29th of the month, Chaghy contacted me, saying he wanted to be with me. Dont know how much I believe it but... we met up at a bar and talked. I got mega turned on...
Sex: ... and I had sex with him the next day. It was magical ahhhh! While at his place, I had this urge to look through his stuff out of distrust for him. I never used to be that way but I was overwhelmed by this feeling... this “odd” feeling. I remembered the time when an ex of mine had left me at his house and while away, i looked through his computer for pics (innocently, not searching for anything) and through there, I found out that he was not only married but with a new baby. I realized then, that your experiences do mold you. I was a changed woman. I looked through Caghy’s old pay stubb... nothing much since he’d already told me how much he got paid. Wanted to look through other stuff but I thought didn’t...i got busy with folding his clothes instead. Whew! I wonder if this is significant but i’d mention it just in case: he told me he was last with anyone (sexually) about a month ago yet, i saw a condom wrap on his floor. No, it wasn’t the one we used.
School: I did less than I wished but better than I “had to”. The significance of this semester is that I had been this far before in thesame program. Only difference is that my grades are much better so that this time I wont have to go back to start over.
Joy: I got to see my Darque again. I also got to spend time at my sister’s and meet the new addition to our family: Ambition(my sister)’s husband. Also got to spend Christmas with my family... I’m blessed.
Money: None. I mean it. And to make matters worse, school was about to restart (expenses galore), my rent was due and I was yet to pay Telli back. Hmm... I wonder if thats why he had not been calling me. Oh well, I dont care so much because to be honest, Telli and I have been talking for years with nothing tangible to show for it so really if he decides to stop chatting now, it'll be just as good a time as any. Besides, the more I see the dude's pics on FB, the more I get acid reflux and no, it isnt because he is hot... he isnt. (God forgive me for I have sinned!)
Memories: Christmas. Though I’d said I wouldn’t attend anymore family gatherings, I did. I didn’t want to not only because of my brother, but also because I had no $ to purchase gifts for anyone but i went anyway.
Regrets: That my sis isn’t being straight with me...she is angry and I know, yet she wont be straight about it because what she is angry about, is pretty petty (at least, thats what I think). She is angry becuse when I went to her town in November, I didn’t give her a call. I thought that was normal for me to do!!!
Accomplishment: I spent time with family and got to realize that I am normal afterall and finally, I got to complete this reflection.
Last 2010 hours: I spent it with a bestie of mine. We ate, and talked and reflected. I am so proud of her for letting the horrible men in her life go this year. Also, I disclosed my April ordeal to her and for the last time this year, I cried. Finally, I can move on to 2011 with love in my heart, hope on my mind and my eyes up, watching God.

To Catch a Lying-Diek (1)

WARNING: My blogville people, please ensure you're seated because i cant be held responsible if you get syncopic from reading this story.

Okay, so i was happy to leave on Saturday night to go see my new boyfie... it was exciting! I'd be taking a 4.5hour flight. He got the ticket, cost 220bucks, and emailed the information to me so i was able to print it. I got to the airport late but thank goodness that my flight was delayed. I arrived in his city, and called him, he met me at the airport 10minutes after my arrival.

"HI!"
"You had me waiting too long. Please dont let that repeat itself."He held me... "I'm so sorry."
We went into his car, he drove there. For some reason, this trip seemed to be like a dejavu... i didnt understand why, but i do now. I didnt know then, but i had been there before. My blogville people, stay with me on this...

So, there i was with this man that is my new man. i needed something from him. I wasnt physically crazy about him, but i wanted to have sex with him (kind of hard not to seince we've talked about sex so often!) but most importantly, i wanted that "ish' factor... his drive, he truly is gifted, and iwanted a piece of that. Yeah, i said wanted... i guess by now, you've figured it out.

I went into his home, went into his room... there, as he had told me, was his furniture-less room. He had warned me that he didnt have but an airbed since he just moved there, he asked if i wanted him to purchase a bed before I got there and i had told him i didnt care. I didnt. I've slept with my b-fies on worse than airbeds. As materialistic as i am, i can also be so... sayy... thrifty(?)... i have suffered with men, and so have i enjoyed with them.

Anyway, so we slept...NOT! We kissed, and kissed, and kissssed...made out lots, decided he wanted to do the do so he had asked if i had brought condoms (i'd said i would buy some), i told him i hadnt and he didnt try hard enough to hide his disappointment. He wanted to do the do without it. That raised all the flags in my cerebellum as i whimpered the little words i had left in me:
"What? you would have sex just like that? you would have sex with me without a condom?" He looked confused.
"What if i had something? i mean,... what if you do? i mean... dont you love yourself?"
"No, i was only kidding, I wasnt going to ..."By this time, i had gotten scared shitless. I had made the wrong turn. I wanted the city to spit me right back into my rightful home. I knew something was up. My people, please know this:


IF ANYONE IS WILLING TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU THOUGH THEY HARDLY KNOW YOU, PLEASE, MAKE LIKE THERES A FIRE ON YOUR TAIL AND RUN, RUN, RUN...


My heart was hurt and my sense of security with this man, destroyed. I was with the wrongest person, in his bed, in his home, in his city, in his state... i wanted so bad, to be wrong. But i wasnt. Then he asked if i would go down on him! My people, some people LOve giving oral, i LOve receiving them. My oral cavity is quite petite, i dont do well with oral so accordingly, i said no. He asked if he could go down on me and i said "NO!" ,... at this point, i was scared to do anything sexual with him. So he started to play with himself and lord knows, that turns me MIGHTY on, so i siad, "Do you mind if i watch?"
"Watch? No, i dont mind" And watch i did.
"Well, i'll do you one better, i'll play with myself too"
This is a major turn on for me. Its hot to play with yourselves, watching each other. So, anyway, i decided to feel him... and feel i did.
I couldnt believe it. This man had bragged about his size, hence the name "Diek"! I remember him saying "My dick this, my dick that, my dick this and a whole bunch of that..." So i had asked him back then (since it seemed like he wanted me to ask so bad) "Diek, how big is your dick?"
"oh, its big. 8 inches"My brows spelt a big M as i asked... "EIGHT?"
"Yes, eight" He responded proudly
"Isnt that the regular size?"He looked puzzled "No! thats quite big!"Okay, its either i'd been lucky with most of my men, or this man is in some sad denial...
Okay, fast forward... yeah, him and i in the inflated bed, my fingers on my vaginity, other hand on his ... well, his.. snake. yes, snake. snake! You know one of those baby snakes??? I mean one of those BIC-pen looking ones... i didnt know if to stroke it up and down or to detach it to write a letter with!

I have decided, lord better give me a small fat dick instead of a long skinny one anyday because if i end up with a skinny one, i'll be bitter. Yes, that is my new petpeeve,: skinny pencil-like dicks!


The next day he claimed he wanted to go to church. He asked if i wanted to come but he didndt really ask...
"You want to come? but you dfont have to come if you dont want to."There are many times God wants me to go to church, but that wasnt one of the times. I was meant to stay home, besides, Diek obviously didnt really want me to come.

I stayed. He called me shortly after to ask for the directions to the church, he couldnt find the church. He ended up not finding it and decided he would com eback home. -

I went on his laptop after he left. I wanted to blog but i was scared. What if he traced my blog? My annonimyty is REALLY important to me. How do you speak Truth, if you know people are watching?

I went online, and then decided to check if he has some pictures on his PC. I saw one named "Pic"...
Ohhhh! This looks cool, what do we have here? Annnnddd! CLICK!
Who is this? shes cute... whats with her? she seems to have lots of pictures on here...must be an ex? maybe? Might be the one he said he was with 8 months ago...
He said the last time he had sex was 8months ago. He told me that in October. He also told me that on saturday. My blogville people, stay with me on this one...

So i decided to check if he was other albums...
ohhhh... this one is named... named... n-n-nn-nnnna-me-ddd...

My mind-jaw dropped. I needed a hand to hold me from falling, though i was seated, i was collapsing from shock.

"MY SON"
Two words, 7 letters, one space, and a big ol lie, found.

My mind trailed back to the first time we spoke... His words sounded like the soundtracks of my discovery moment as i recalled...
"Do you have any kids?" I had asked first.
"No." Two words, not stiffled, not screamed, not forced. Two simply spoken words.
"Do you have any children?" He asked. I laughed. I always find it funny when people ask me that. That question always reminds me that i am speaking with a stranger, someone who hasnt gotten to learn that i am anti-children-of-my-own.
"no, i dont have any. But i have dated men with kids. I dont mind men with kids." I always make sure to add that because its true. I dont.

So then, if that had been the trail of our convo, what was this file that i was about to ...CLICK!
And there it was, loads of pictures, same girl,only about 100pounds heavier... Same man, only looking about a lot more proud, and another soul... some innocent looking baby who resembled him, unfortunately for that poor boy. A beautiful mother, a father like him, yet he had to look like his father. The resemblance was outrageous.

At this point, i got into my proactive mode. I sent those pics to my email and friends, along with pics of his girl, i check further more and found TONS of information on his laptop:
Hotmail conversations with me, my double IDs, and tons of other females,... his wife (yes, wife)'s phone number, address, his mother and familiy's contact information, his social identification code, his business information (for his business account), his incometax information, his everything!
It wasnt until after i was done that i realised, he still had not returned! He had called me like an hour and a half ago to tell me he would be back in 15minutes! But snoopery wouldnt let me call him to hurry him up. I needed time, so i didnt bother calling him. By the time he had returned, i was done with all the transfers. I had enough information to send him to Lucifer's anus.

When he returned, he seemed so upset that he didnt find the church. Hypocritical son of a goose! How dare he even dare to step foot in a church? But,...i tried to keep my cool. I have to be smart, i have to get a return ticket home. We flirted, kised, i scolded him for being late since i had to make it look real. He asked if i wanted to go to a hotel for the night to be comfortable because all he had was an airbed. This is thesame man that had tried to convince me not to stay in ahotel before. I think he just wanted to have a place to go all wild. He was so sure he was getting some nookie. Oh well, we can all dream. He asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and i agreed, he claimed we would have to take the bus since he had already returned his rental car.
"Oh! I see... well, then have fun eating out!"
"What? you're not coming?"
"Not without a car. I didnt come to another man's state only to have to haul around in a bus, if you didnt have a ride for me, you should have told me. I would have stayed in my home!" "Seriously?" He looked usprised.
"Um, yeah! So, im staying right here and if starvation is my fate in this spoit taht i'm staying at, then so be it!""i was just trying to test you. The car is outside, lets go"
I was furous. Never test fire, it just might burn you.

"Diek!"
"Yes?"
"Do i look like one of your little persona-falsifying females that you usually come in contact with?"
"What do you mean? I was only joking nowww"
"No seriously! Joke with kids! I dont deal in children! If you want a female you can test, either get yourself a litmus paper, or get yourself one of your regulars!"
I was angry. But i think at that moment, i was being vulnerable. I was too easy to read. I needed to compose myself better. I told myself "STOP IT WOMAN!" ... and...

We went out to eat and flirted. He was my man, and i was his woman.

When we were going back, i appologised for not having the condoms that i had planned to bring him. I also appologised for not bringing the sex toy i had planned to buy him. The only reason i didnt but these things was because i had no time and besides, i had too many stuff in my bag. So i asked him../
"Lets go to a sex store and pick those stuff up."
But he didnt want to...
"no, i dont need them now"
I see, so not only are you a liar, you are also cheap. I know his type. He thinks i wanted him to pay for those sex items, truth is, i didnt. I was going to pay for them, but i let his foolish brains fool him.But it hought to ask
"Why dont you want it now? i mean, you were so excited to have it before"He didnt really give me an answer. Anyway... i already knew he was a snake, ... time for the kill.

When we got to his house, he asked again if i wanted a hotel and my people, i wpuld have agreed. BUT! I knew i could go to the hotel with him but i couldnt sex him. If i dont sex him, he might want to leave me at the hotel. I had to be smart about this. At his home, he cant forcefully push me out. Truth is, i can physically handle him. If i wanted to hold him down and make him beg for his dear life, i could have. But i wanted to be graceful, like the swan i can sometimes pretend to be lol.



"No, lets stay here." So we stayed.

Just then, i got a text from Nat
"Dont tell him, and whatever you do, dont act like anything is wrong, just go with the flow till you get your return ticket."
But by then, i was just so angry! Going with the flow would mean he would succeed at this! I couldnt do it! I wasnt about to keep beating myself up inside for someone else's sins! I called him to my side:
"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"
"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"


>>>TO BE CONTINUED<<<

Date with Mistah Etienne

So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol

Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.

"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.

Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.

While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.


Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.

The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.

Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"


Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.

ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!

let sleeping dogs lie

Being able to look past yesterday
Looking sideways, recognizing the baggages that refused to stay. Saying "come along then!" for there is no time to stall.
Baby girls, families, friends, Moma yall cant leave me now!
And moving along.
Let the currents be my boat.
Float me abode
as i move along these wary waves...
Let the past be that. for there never is a lesson learnt if there isnt anything lost.
What an uneventful boring life i'd have lived.
if i never had anything to drop, lost, pop, shove the fuck off!
om my way tomy destination.
So who comes along?! but the strong, the meek, the ones who overcame the hauls.
only the loved.
so many goodbyes.
bye to the ones that didnt make it.
and a thank you tothe ones who helped the success reach.
not only will i let sleeping dogs lie.
i'll also OD them on some sleeping pills.
hoping that they sleep, never to rise again.

July 7/07