My day yesterday

Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.

here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.



Back to how my day went yesterday...

So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol

Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.

While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.

Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?

*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*

Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless

So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.

I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.

But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.

I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(

I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.

Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.

Oh God, my life is in your hands.

Missing home

If i was to tell you how it feels, maybe you can join me. C'mon, say it with me.
I'd say i've felt it but something tells me i havent known it in its entirety.
So yes, it feels odd to be alone.
Like they say, misery loves company.
But i dont want you to be miserable.
Hopefully i am too cynical to get it
and i hope that is what it is
i hope that i am wrong
or that there is a bit of jealousy that wishes you wont get there before me
i hope this
hoping that you have found the "it"
and that that "it" is he
while I let you live it.

Now how thew fuck do i get home?! When will this storm ceaze?

Eye of the storm

So Kiss and I decided to take a trip to St. Luciendo a spanish-speaking city west of here. We got caught in the storm. I've never came so close to dying so often in so little time thatn i have in these past 3days. TBC

Lost (continued)

and only 50minutes later, the circle has been completed.
And i hate to say i told you so
so i wont.
but i will ask
"So, babe...Is this it? Or will you need to make yet, another round?"

Lost

Cried. Not. For. You. But. For. The. Journey. You. Go. Through.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.

And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.

And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you

My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?

And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.

Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.

Date with Mistah Etienne

So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol

Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.

"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.

Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.

While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.


Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.

The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.

Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"


Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.

ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!

learn to be a friend

I have to learn to be a friend.
No, i dont mean it that way.
i mean, i actually really have to learn how to be a friend.
how to be;
selfless!!!

Damn, of all the characters in the world to get stuck with,
WHY MUST I BE THE TYPE TO BE STUCK WITH A SELFISH PERSONALITY?!?

oh, and i think i have to learn to drop my pride.
i have to learn to hug more,
and to shut up when people are down.
***worst time to give advises is when its too late***
and i have to learn to learn.

REMINDER TO SELF:
1.you are not better than people. Everryone has their welanesses and strengths so why must you point their weakenesses out? Are you any better?
2. cant blame anyone for anything. you do not know their expereinces, you do not know what it is like to be them.
3.walking in someone's shoes is a theory. it is practically impossible. learn to be as empathetic as possible.
4. appologise (fuk! it aint dat hard!)
5.love. and let them know.

Speechless

I seldom get like this...
My voice fails me... my tongue literally locks itself to the base of my jaw and i just lose all function in my voice box.
I am literally speechless.
No word, no "Ah", no "Be" no "Ce" no "De"
This opinionated chixta is suddenly not just short but out of words.
I have regressed way past ma days of "mama" or "baba"...
I cant even babble... stutering is way beyond me now...
I am literally in shock. I watch like a newborn at how things have miraculously taken amoeba-like shapes to further perplex this me... lord have mercy! If my jaw dropped any lower, I'd be scraping it up from the fiery grounds of hell.
And i cant help but watch because what can a girl do? Like Miss Frank said: "whats done cannot be undone. we can only prevent it from happening again."
And i want to undo the thoughts that made him
and "made" because he was made.
As artificial as my Coach purse, As pretencious as can be
Made into a fit that he claimed to be


I dont know what to say and even if i did, which i suspect that i do, I dont want to say it.
It feels odd being dumb but i guess i'm that numb.
Okay so Truth, babygurl lets recite our redefined values:



I'll never allow myself to lose control
I'll never allow myself to fall like that
I'll never tell myself another lie
I'll never let go of myself
I'll never let the best of me, sleep.
And if i ever dream again,
I'll never forget that the only person who deserves to be in my dreams, is Truth Betold.

Drum Roll Please!...

And the Greatest Actor Award Goes tooo.....
HONORABLE CHISEL COCOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On his way to what he wants to be,
I met him. And tripped all over that love.
lol
And claim he did, that he was he and i was looking to believe
so i did.
But he isnt it.

So i got up enough guts to ask
Mr. "I'll-deny-my-culture-for-being-western-is-so-much-more-sophistimacated"
why on earth he prides himself on being detached from his culture- as i sensed his pride when he said:
"I dont go to Camerounian parties. I just go in, say hi and leave"
"I dont listen to African music"
"I dont..."
I had heard enough of it. This fool in his distorted mind, thinks it is prestigious to deny his, while masking as thiers. What a fool!

So i got tired of hearing
Mr. "I-love-you-but-dont-have-time-for-you-so-i-dont-know-what-to-hurt-you"
tell me all the reasons why his day is so busy that he cant call nor return texts nor give a shit enough to assist me emotionally when he says he cares-
"I'll call you tomorrow to see how your sister is doing"


I heard from him 5days after, only for him to ask me if i can bring my girl "Kiss" over so she may meet his brother. I was outraged. I blew up in his face- his brother is married. Though seperated, HE IS MARRIED!
is this what he wanted for my friend?
Selfish ignorant motherfucker!
I got upset and yeah, i sure told him.
I went to the dinner nevertheless...
why?

I think the true reason is that i wanted to see him.
So when i got there with Kis,, we met his Chisel Cocoa, his brother, and a third friend of theirs. We talked and had a good time...
but something if not LOTS of things were missing. I came to realise that the time Chisel and I spent together was now mostly with others.
Dear reader, Please, NEVER say never (oops! did i just say never? lol)
For you do not know what you're capable of until the time comes.

I saw the grinch of dissatisfaction bear some delusions and although it was all a joke to me at first, i found myself nourishing those illusions till i almost believed them and even worse, till i implanted their seeds into another...

I got to thinking (and dont ask me what prompted the thought)... what if Chisel has a thing for Kiss?
I'll admit- they get along VERY WELL. they do! CHisel is an easy person to get along with as he is very talkative and charming...
Kiss isnt always open, but Chisel facilitated that openess so that it made it easier for her.
But there was nothing there...
Yet i made one up...
i brought it to Kiss's attention and she was flabbergasted about the whole idea...

I knew i must have really been going through some kind of mind-fuckery when i realised i've managed to convince her and evenmanaged to convince myself!!!

People, i tell you... you must be careful what thoughts you allow yourself to ponder about. The mind is a powerful thing!
anyway,...

At the dinner (quite frankly, i'm glad i went to that dinner at his place)
Somehow, his actions managed to devour the crush i had for him right out of my heart...
that night, i fell OUT of love with Chisel.
Him and his brother were so much alike, it was almost sickening.
I loved their unity, but hated the way they presented themselves. You'd almost have to be spiritual, to detect the indiscrepancies between their actions and their words; between their claims and reality.

But i must admit, I learnt from Chisel what i didnt learn from a lot of men.

"YOU MUST DEMAND MUCH FOR YOURSELF!"

so i did.


So in 7 minutes and 30 secnds last evening, I told Chisel on the phone:

" I need to ask you a favour. And this is probably the hardest thing i've ever had to ask for because i must admit, it isnt what i want BUT it is what i desperatley need!. Life is sometimes silly becus ewaht we want isnt what we necessaruly need and i waish I could need what i want but i know i dont. I'm certain."
and as usual, Chisel the almighty talker decided to interupt but i had to take the microphone from him
"Chisel, please let me speak. I dont need you to agree nor disagree with me" dammit that man loves hearing his own damn voice! "I need you to listen."
I continued.."Last night, i went to a party, and saw this man who has been trying to get with me. He saw me and proceeded to ask "Truth, I've been calling you but you havent been returning my calls, i called you several times!" and i tell you- Chisel, i told him i was sorry but i couldnt tell him anything more than that. I have told this same man that i couldnt be with him yet he keeps calling and let me tell you- if i kept receiving his calls, h'll keep thinking he had a chance. I was doing him a favour not necessarilly for him but also for my conscience. I wouldnt feel good, knowing that i was fostering his feelings for me. I love that I did that regardless of how much he might not understand that i wasnt answering his calls. When he asked me to dance, i said no, for thesame reason! And i respect myself for being able to do that because i knew it would make me look bad and mean and stuck up but Chisel, I wouldnt feel good knowing that i was toying with his feelings"
He interrupted again "Thats really good Trtuh! i mean thats really respectful of you because..."
"I dont need your praises, please!" i intersected. if only he'd just listen!
"Sorry"
I continued..." And I really want to develop thesame respect for you. Its hard for me to respect someone that calls me consistently intermittently knowing that i havefeelings for them and i cant have what i want with them."
Silence. I still remember the silence...
"For the 5days that you didnt call, i felt so much at peace. I had no thoughts of you. I had almost healed, but then you called and there i was again, back at square one... So Chisel, I'm asking you to help me retain my dignity, by doing for me, what i'd do for another. Please, help me by not calling me anymore."
"I definitely understand"
"Thank you"
"you're welcome"
"Bye"
"Bye"

*click*

My trip to Quebec was.... intetresting...

So i went with Kiss, China and Kiss's male friend. Okay, so i'll be honest, i didnt exactly like this friend of hers but that was besides the point. He was going thesame way as us so we figured, shy not drive down with him, in his car.
bad idea!
(brb)

Dear Mr. Fisher...

Dear Mr Fisher,
As much as i'd like to wring your neck, i'll refrain myself from the urge. Tell me please, what would you like of me? Forget i asked that question. Better yet, how should i have handled it?
We had been talking for quite a while, but like i knew we wouldnt end up anywhere. The truth is, i am me, and you are you. I hate to be rude but where do you see a similarity? What do we have in common other than the fact that we both breathe through our nostrils? Other thanthe common anatomy that implies that we're both human, and the other silly similarity that we were raised in thesame continent, tell me, what else?
We are different! If humans could be delegated into different species, i'd be a fox. And you Fisher, would be something different; somewhat of an oppourtunity for a meal, for me... a Racoon, maybe?
What would you like of me?
I have been truthful. Truthfully explaned to you that i cannot be with you.
"I cant. I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I have too much on my plate."
But really, that was only my de-fouled version of;
"You are a nice man. I might not ever meet one as nice as you are... but I cant be with you. You're way too soft. You needed a backbone like yesterday! Besides(while we're being honest,) I'm too good for you. You walk like your kwashiorkor-like stomach has altered your point of gravity, your walk has been modified to accomodate your liquor-laddened gut just so you wont tip over, fall and break your oversized flattened front-pear-shaped head. You can multitask; able to speak and spit simultaneously but Fisher, i dont need a shower. And even if i did, i definitely dont need a saliva shower, thats for sure. Your vocabulary is astonishing. I understand that English is not your first language but are you willing to understand that i need to be able to communicate with whoever it is i'm with? I'm sorry; I cant keep breaking apart every single word i speak just so you'd ask me what the little fragments of their translation mean! That shit is frustrating like fu&k! AND, you dress like a bushman! Moreover, why are you so insecured? There is nothing more repulsing than a man who needs assistance to get up enough courage to ask a girl who he wants, for a dance."
But its hard for me to be real because reality hurts, and i really didnt want to hurt you. So i packaged my words delicately, wrapped some honey around it, then dipped it in caution, and served you it. But did you buy it? No. The last question you asked me after the conversation we had was
"But cant we just try?"
Its like oyu hadnt heard a word i'd said.
Try what? One moth down the road of trying, you'd be singing some jaded-romance song.
I'll help you, i'll stay away. I keep dropping you clues:
#1 On friday, you called to ask me to come to a party and i said i didnt want to go. I lied. Truth was, as you were asking me, i was picking out my outfit, and getting dressed for the party. I didnt want to go to the party with you. Going with you would mean you'd glue yourself to me all night. You'd attempt to marka territory that was never yours. You got to the party and saw Kiss and asked her if i was coming (which was sort silly of you since i'd told you iw asnt coming!!!) and was told that i was on my way..
#2 You came to meet me at my table at the party where i was seated with a Kiss, her date and two other guys. Yet you (dressed in a nice suit, with a fisher-man hat to ruin it) came towards me, sat at our table, as i rolled my eyes discretly, and turned my back towards you. I didnt want to be associated with you. You were cramping my style. You stayed at our table as if you'd been invited, making it awkward for me... why must you be such a cock blocker?!!! Werent you at another table before???
#3 My friend asked you (because i had expressed my disgust about your hat) why you'd wear such hat with such an outft, and thankfully to her, took it off your head and place it on the table. I still dont understand why you'd wear such hat with a suit!
#4 Everytime you;d come towards me, i'd automatically have something to do. Something like um... i have a phone call to go make, I have to go look for some one,.... something, anything! I knew you wanted to ask for a dance, so i figured if i interrupted you before you got to ask, then i wouldnt have to say no! it worked.
#5 You were at our table (wrong table!) and so was another guy. The guy asked me why i wasnt dancing and i said i was had lost one of my earrings and i needed help finding it. I had looke dwverywhere but the dance floor. there was a slow song playing. He asked me to dance and suggested we'd look for the earring on the dancefloor as we danced. I agreed. It really wasnt about the dance nor the earring. I wanted to get away from you. I cant dance with you, you dance like a broken record, annoyingly stiff, repetitive, and annoying. Is there any other dance you know of other than the "hip thrust to and fro"?
I was sure you'd finnally gotten the point. But i didnt expect what came next.
As i sat down to rest my feet foor the night, you came to our table, and awkwardly (i could feel your negative energy) put your hat on, then your suit. You stood behind me for a what seemed like eternity before coming to me...
"That was an open rejection"
"pardon me?" I was not expecting that
"I said that was an open rejection. You knew i wanted to dance with you, but you went to... anyway, it was nice knowing you"
I wanted to slap you, right there and then. What have i done wrong? Must i dance with everyone who wants to dance with me?
You held out your hand for a shake. I guess this was suppose to be a "you've hurt me so you've lost me and goodbye" handshake.
I ignored you. You left.


I understand that sometimes, you cant have a nice departion. Departion? I was dreaming... The next day at another party, I was there with Kiss, a male friend. Supposedly you went to ask Kiss as i was away on the dance floor, what you've done wrong to me, and why am I rejecting you. You asked her what it is that i'm going through and told her that you wish I knew how much you can do for me.
Fisher, I dont need your help. Do you understand that? I dont!!!
I just need you to simply, be a man. Learn to cut your loses and trust me, you're not even losing. You've won. If i had agreed to be with you, I would not have treated you fairly. Truth is, i cant treat a man right unless i'm happy to be with him.
I hope God sends you your soulmate soon... it isnt me. I'm one of your many Mrs. Wrongs. Please underatnd that.

Goodbye

It houses you

The louder they laughed the louder it did
these memories scream deep
and even now, it feels so hard
as it travels down ma throat,... i know its real.
i give you this moment.
you deserve it.
besides, what else can i do with it?
its already ruined.
you have damaged my getaway...
Witchita will never be thesame.
I miss you so much!
even the harsh moments just werent strong enough to jolt me back into the present; then.
i needed a reality check.
the truth is
you werent there.
you are not here.
neither will you ever be here.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but will do everything to keep it in the past.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but can never ever want you back
yet, i cry.
Witchita is gone to me
your scent rooms in it
your face plastered in the haunted houses...
i heard your voice in the crowds
and saw your footprints in the snow
i saw the time you slipped
and the times i got angry
"how could you wear such thin leather jacket? You're going to freeze!"
i must be going crazy.
winter is gone. so is the doubt. so is our spot. along with you.
though summer is in
your memory remains vivid
remember the pictures we took?

wow.
You took Witchita away from me.

let sleeping dogs lie

Being able to look past yesterday
Looking sideways, recognizing the baggages that refused to stay. Saying "come along then!" for there is no time to stall.
Baby girls, families, friends, Moma yall cant leave me now!
And moving along.
Let the currents be my boat.
Float me abode
as i move along these wary waves...
Let the past be that. for there never is a lesson learnt if there isnt anything lost.
What an uneventful boring life i'd have lived.
if i never had anything to drop, lost, pop, shove the fuck off!
om my way tomy destination.
So who comes along?! but the strong, the meek, the ones who overcame the hauls.
only the loved.
so many goodbyes.
bye to the ones that didnt make it.
and a thank you tothe ones who helped the success reach.
not only will i let sleeping dogs lie.
i'll also OD them on some sleeping pills.
hoping that they sleep, never to rise again.

July 7/07