I still think of you.

I never did look down there
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?

We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.


Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.

This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...

Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.

TBS... yeah... him again

i want to blog about this joke of a man but i've got so much on my plate.

This is the hardest time of my life.

At least, as far as i can remember.

Too manyt hings to worry about.

TBS's story can wait.

Hey, you remember Mr. Firm?

And like so many things in my life right now, i find out that Mr. Firm isnt who i thought he was.

I walked into kiss's work earlier today, saw two ladies and a man sitting, there. See she works at as a customer service personnel at a local company so there are usually always people there. I thought to keep off to the side to wait till she is done work so we may leave, and heard a familiar voice say
"hey you!"
i looked up to see my one and only Mr. Firm!
Mr Firm! Do yall remember him? Does anyone?
Though somehow hidden under my pile of almost-did-but-never-really-did men, is this man i named "Firm". You may click the link below to see my earlier post of him.
http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/07/so-many-moves.html

"OMG! I didnt even see you there!" its true. I didnt. If theres such thing as a tunnel vision, then i have got it. I can walk into a full of people and see no one but myself, but everything that everyone in the room had on. Ask me who was in the room and what they looked like, and i wouldnt have a clue! I didnt see mr. Firm. And what a fine piece of hunk he looked like tonught! That was odd... i never found him attractive lol
"Oh... i cant believe i'm seeing you" i continued
"what a small world" Kiss added
"I know..." Said he.
"Here's your hug!" i said as i leaned him and hugged him

He had tried coming over to visit after our last incident but i couldnt do it. Eerytime he'd plan to come, i'd agree but wouldnt answer his calls in the last minute. I was turned off... since that last incident. I didnt want anything sexual with him. But respect him, i did.

So there we were, and Kiss dropped the bomb...
"Say hi to his wife..." my brain did a backflip... did i hear this right? i looked at her as she pointed to the quiet 2000months pregnant lady behind me.
I didnt pause. How dare i?
Out of respect, out of disappointment yet feeling too sorry to burst his bubbles, i looked back, gave her the truest smile and offered her my right hand.
"oh wow, nice to meet you!"
she accepted. Smiled. She was beautiful. I tell you, some beauties need no eyes to behold them. Somehow she glowed... somehow...something within that woman... glitteed.
I turned back to him. he started to fidget. must have moved the bottle in his hands a billion and one times.

"So, how have you been?" he asked.
And for the first sexcond, iw asnt sure if that was a trick question. I could tell him i have been good till just now when i found out that i almost had sex with a married man! but i didnt think thats what he meant.
"Oh, i've been okay"
And we stopped the chat. This is the man that we would talk for hours on end... hours on fuckin end. we share secrets! LOTS! I told him so many things. One being that he has trouble with his father. And also that he was called out of the blue two years ago by his ex girllfriend that he broke up with 5 yearsbefore then to be informeed that he has a 5year old son.


But that moment, we had nothin to say.

When he left, i texted him:
"Congratulations, Double "O" Seven! Why didnt you tell me? He is beautiful!"

He replied halfa n hour later.

"Speechless but thanks. I need to invite you to the house maybe this weekend I have some explaining to do. Maybe i should call you later tonight."

Okay, WTF! By now i was startin to get pissed. Invite me over ke? Mister Fool! I just found out you are married!!!
I replied with:

"Something tells me i should be angry but instead, I'm shocked. You may call me. Coming over is out of the question. even if i cant respect her, at least i can respect myself. but I'm so happy for you. You deserve a good woman as your partner. I really hope I wasnt seeing (or whatever it was) you while you were married! lol OMG so you'll be father!Speaking of that, we have to talk (anyway, we'll talk wehn you call)".


I wonder if his wife knows he has a son.

I remember he had once told me when he went home in '06 and was introduced to a woman that his people wanted him to marry. This is now her. but then, he swore they had nothing in common and ... they are married.

I got a call fom him later and we talked. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. it makes sense to him that it was okay to attempt to have sexual relations with me because she was back home. Even though they were married. He says i didnt show him that i wanted him. And he didnt want to push it. i told him if he didnt think theres something wrong with twaht he did, then there must be something terribly wrong with one of us. Something tells me its him.

But see, thats not the point. The point is HE WAS MARRIED!

And the second point is, i never wanted to be with him... ever since he attacked my clit like it was some sort of new unwrapped bubble gum, i knew! And that day while we were in bed, i saw his body and i lost whatever ounce of attraction i had for him. And that day, i realised taht although i like matured men, i dont like to fuck older men. not anymore.

i told him i was disappointed. And i told him that i never did want him. I needed to make that clear.

I have lost all respect for other people's ideas of marriage.

Apparently, we all have different ideas of what a lifetime commitment should mean.