I wont hesitate no more

"...oh yeah i love to cook too..."
didnt wait. didnt bother with it all, interrupted
"I wanna marry you"

And he laughed.

Somewhere amongst my deeper self, I know,... this is just the beginning of a lifelong dream, fufilled.

We met sometime this year, in a chatroom.
Hence why I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing.
To say that I care that we met online would be to lie to myself. Truth be told, I do not.
But I do care that we have never met physically.
But goodness, the first time I met him online, I knew that I wanted to get more of whatever he was.

I had to go, or maybe he did. We exchanged emails, and never did get around to chatting.

I forgot about the guy that I wanted to get more of. Eventually, I stumbled upon him on IM.

He told me he'd been wishing to get to chat with me. I had forgotten all about him, but not for long.
I soon remembered.
Oh.
goodness.

We lost contact again, I just couldnt keep up. My REAL life served me so much, that I was busy at dinner, allll the time.
But then we met online, again.
This time, he was down.
And am swiffer.... like the "quicker picker upper" that I am, I talked to the man.
"Talking", is what I do best.
And well, there we go again, reconnected.

This man... what do I name him?

This man...

I have seen his pictures, and I am pleased.
But a thousand words is nothing, nothing compared to the physical.
How does he wink? How does he speak? At what pace? At what angle does his tongue tip when he says my name?
Shy?
Yeah, shy, ... will I be shy?
Height!!!!!
Will I be taller?

I wonder about these things.
And amongst it all, I crush on... on and on... about this man who has got a mix of my wants, and needs.

I'd sex his mind if his body was gone. This man.

So yeah, I think I'll say yes.

"Yes, I'm yours, mister. Your pillar when you stumble, your cross when you really neeed God. I'm yours. Your ditsy-day lounge chick, your goodnight sleeptight girl.
Your TV-in-too-damn-lazy, happy times, driving past the grocery store, halfway in the middle of nowhere-but
damn just ran out of gas with sunshine in the passenger seat-girl,
That little prayer you said the other night. Your cure to lonesomeness,
your very reason for trying. Your little secret idol. I'll be that. Your twin within you. Yours.
Have your cake and eat it too, I'll be your best friend. Your playmate you pass time with, bedmate you play God with,
kissmate you make up with, thoughtmate... yeah thoughtmates! Your very feelings, need not wear your shoes,
I want to feel it as you do. Mate in everyway till we mate past daybreak, yes, I'll be that. Because deep down Lord knows,
I wish I had your stance. Your humility moves me. It shakes me off my high horse and reminds me that life can be simple
... I of course, keep it in mind as I get halfway back up my horse but ohhh, you remind me... that nothing even matters.
That life is nothing. That I am nothing, If I do not know how to recognize and accept love. What would I be?
You are easy. like cocoapuff saturated in some milk, easy. Like...
halfway past the day-yet still in bed full of nakedness and sweat-just about to go again-easy.
Oh for all it all for everything for these and more... I am. Truthfully, yours."


Sept, 1' 2009.

Shaken

I'd often say that nothing moves
without energy
The wind with effort, forces a leaf from its tree
and with that, it moves
This same wind
though unperceivable to the pores
reminds me, that I too, am just a thing
And therefore, not exempted
From its forces

De-energize this wind, lord
So that I may stay grounded
And walk at my own pace; move at my will
I dont want to be blown
I beg that you consider
What it took for me to stand
And de-energize this wind, lord
I dont want this to end
I am not ready to let go
After all my work
I am not ready to quit.

De-energize this wind, lord
Cut its circuits, neutralize its electrons
Do whatever needs done
I dont want to be shaken
Fear of being blown
Being made a nonentity
Suffer through life missing what could have been
I want to go on
And become what I have for so long, wished for
Stired, maybe?
Definitely shaken.
But please, de-energize it in time.
Do not let it blow me away.

Introducing, Mr. Smiles

"Love...
Love will come find you.
Just to remind you.
Of who you are.
...thats the thing about love."(Alicia Keys)

Somehow, I am in love. Again.
So, somehow, I'll get lost in his face, and his words once again, will soothe me so much so that I'll once again, escape reality.
I'll sleepwalk with him...walk into things and laugh the bruises away. Who cares, right? Its love.
It is.
Just this one more time.

Mr Smiles, and I.

Its too late.

It started as a 72 hour crush. But it was so intense. I still remember the first night you told me...
.............."I must say, you are most enchanting and arresting piece of femininity whomever you are"
I wrote it on a peice of sticky.
Oh, like i needed to!
It was carved into my memory
Like a birthday that kept on coming.

You spoke like a word fiend
And my love for words would not let me
Ignore the beauty that in you spoke to me
I simply, fell. Broke a hip. Could not get up. For 72 hours.

I remember when it faded.
I looked around and saw I'd be jaded.
you did not feel what I felt.
And I go scared, thinking I'd be left in love, alone.

I needed to let go, so I wrote
.............................."The love that is fire, will burn out"
I wanted a reminder that this too, shall pass.
Wellll it did.
Unfortunately.

A day or so after that, I realised I was not physically attracted to you.
I didnt like your dumbo ears.
And those pants just didnt do it for me.
What was worse? you were lanky.
You just were not my type.
But ohhhh you spoke like a sexy man. Sent words through my spine down my shin. Called tingles through my tummy. Your words made me drop allelse I ever wanted.
You became sufficient.

Now you're in love with me.
You never say it.
You dont need to say it.
You cry it in your tears.
And i see it in your words.
You are madly, in love.
Just like I was.
This is what I wanted.

If only you'd given me this, then.

Today, you ignored me. I said hello, you looked away.
The side of your face reminded me of nothing I'd ever seen.
It hurts you know, to be shunned like that.
So I asked why you're sulking so
And you said
............"I think I'm becoming obsessed with you."
But where do you get off?
And how the hell dare you?
You came out of nowhere.
Never did admit you wanted me!
Never ONCE did you ask me!
Never EVER have you told me!
I've ran around in circles,
Trying to get you to see this!
I have tugged at your heartstrings
Only because you, had tugged at mind!
When you would not see what I felt
I simply left,
Though it was not easy,
I got with someone else.
It is too late.

But I too, feel.

So when all of a sudden you today, decided to share your thoughts.
I was shocked.
That out of nowhere, the mute had found a voice.
And dare I say, decided to speak volumes
YOU TELL ME this?! OUT OF NOWHERE?!

And there I was, left alone.
Without no one to hold me up.
So i slumped.
And cried.

Its ridiculous.
That you'd hurt me.
Thinking you're the only one with feelings.

In desperate times.

Running to us
I slipped and fell
Got bits of sand
Embedded in my knee
And you saw me down
Glanced within yourself
And saw what I was.

I caught that glance.
It woke me up
Reminded me

Us.

At that very moment.

I dont know which is which.
You or me.
One of us, isnt deserving.

I realize through it all
never did let myself forget
If it wasnt for the wind
I would not have ran to you
And if not for the heat
You would not be running
guts-a-bouncing
age-a-chasing
and I,
gold-a-digging
stretching out to you

Cant help but to laugh at it all

We would have made a cute ridiculously transparent ...
"couple".

So, I'll nurse my wounded knee.
And attempt to pick the sands out it
It really is no price to pay.
For what we could have been.
*peace*

No way to redeem.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

Lets sing...

...this new song
about what is to come and how we arent able to see, yet we see...
that just around the bed, is a fountain
and just before that, rolls some joy
...this new song
about us. The day we met, and how we forgot that life isnt without its ironies
and that life isnt without love
and that life itself, is love
Let us sing... a new song.

It seems so long ago, yet it is so close.
Though the hurt does not consume us, we feel it
just yesterday, one like you,...I still feel the pain
Pillow has barely dried, yet I'd do it all again
How silly that love hurts, yet we crave the pain

Yet we let go
uninhibiting... let go
because we're foolish yet again
to love, yet again.

Let us sing.
A new song
about the time we'll someday tell our stories
and say, "this time, it worked"
and "i knew it would"
because he was the love of my life.
And in the back of my mind, I'd wonder...
who else, was ever loved?

Come... let us sing.

July is our time

"...july is our time
it will surely come
let our souls be spared
and meet we shall
and part, we shallnt
what makes u laugh, i do not know..
what make me beam with joy i verily know
for that is surely thee..."

Mr. Zayd..9:15pm HT.