Runaway from.... home!

Young fresh and newwww!


I'm going away for the weekend. I need a whole weekend off from my thoughts of Chisel. I'll be ecstatic to get over him. And for the ppl that are wondering what the story of the "new found love" is; i'd tell you about it but the story aint sweet. SO i better save it for when i'm over it. Not really feeling like sobbing right now.
I'm meeting a new guy down there. He seems cool but i must admit, he'd be rebound, if anything,,, but who cares, life is about rebounds, isnt it lol

So Quebec city, HERE I COMEEEE!!!!

Note to self

Never make someone a priority if they are only willing to make you an option

This weekend

has een a blast!
i have partied, reunited with an old love, re-fell in love, AND i havent slept a wink! i have worked over 32 hours and realised how much my clients appreciate me! i love this weekend!


details latah sha

Chisel Challenge

day one.
Today, i'm remembering that there is someone perfect out there for me, and if Chisel was it, he'd treat me better.
Today, i'll constantly remind myself that he isnt for me.

My poor eyes

I'm exhausted. My lower eyelids look so edemetous, they look like they're infected. I cried all night and remembered my dreams. Thats odd, i never remember my dreams. I dremt about Chisel- something about him texting me, asking me to forgive him, that hes been with 33 women and none of them had stayed because of his lifestyle. Dreams are funny, so silly...
I also dreamt about Ambition and Fierce (my eldest sister). In my dream, Ambition and I lived together and Fierce came over for a visit. The visit seemed casual but i knew it wasnt. Ambition had been messing her life up again and Fierce had come to talk to her. So much is going on with Ambition, i dont even know where to start.

Somebody, please shoot me!

If ever,
my brain gets infected
i get some sort of dementia
i smoke and fall deep in to lala land
i get drunk and refuse to see
Please shoot me so i'd hop right out of ma dreams.
This moment should never be forgotten
if i could bottle these feelings
they'd rot through the glass
and stain this world
regardless how evil it already is...
I should never forget how i feel
at this very moment; now.
i hope to never feel it ever again.
Who's got a gun?!
Whoever said love was sweet,
must have never experienced this.

Beautiful fingerprint on my window

thumb up,
on ink,
and smudge! right on my window.
And i couldnt help but count
you're number five.
but even better?
you're number one.

as you kissed me
i couldnt help but swirl right in
deep in
into you...
and you, in me...
You picked me up, tunrned me around
layed it in
and pushed on it...
again
again
a-gain...
sexing you is like a ritual.
the whole 3 hours,
i felt like i was your sacrifice,
and you were my god.

Associative memory

Law of associative memory: you can break bad habits by associating them with unpleasant feelings or rewards. E.g if you'd like to quit eating a specific meal thats bad for you, associate that meal with something unpleasant such as gas, cholesterol etc

whew!

at 9:15, Chisel called. We talked, and we have a date tomorrow. He'll drive down here (wish i didnt live an hour and a half away from him) and we'll do something...

A prelude to a Prelude

Fisher had just given me his "it was nice knowing you" chat. I wasnt amused. Matter of fact, I was angry. but this post isnt about Fisher... its about an entity much more intriguing...

I got up, i wanted to go speak with Divi about the incidet with Fisher. I needed someone to tell me what if any, i had done wrong I was so angry i didnt see she was conversing with someone. I whispered in her ears
"Fisher is such an idiot."
she appeared puzzled but instead, turned to the per son she was conversing with, and said "Cocoa Chisel, this is my friend Truth Betold. Truth, meet Chisel"
"Nice to..." i looked up at him"...meet you"
andin between "to" and "meet", i fell in absolute admiration, for this man.
I had finally met him... he stepped right out of my memories, right our of my dreams, right our of those vivid mental pictures i've created of him, into this beaing that is standing right in fron of me.
I managed to apear unfluttered.
I whispered in Divi's ear "Oh my God, he is so beautiful."
she whispered back.., "oh yeah?"
"oh absolutely. I have a weakness for dark chocolate"
i returned mya ttention to him... "so, nice to meet you Chisel."
"Nice to meet you too, Truth"
I walked away... walking into a realm... i was walking, but really, i wasnt. I was in a trance...

I stopped in the hallway and smiled. Thats him! thats who i want to meet!

i wouldnt believe it.

I turned around and headed back into the party room to tell Kiss.

"I've met the most beautifulman ever!"

"yeah? where? did you get his number?"

"um... no. i didnt meet him like that. i met him... Divi introduced him to me."

"so you didnt get his number?"

I ignored her question. I couldnt calm down. "oh, hes so beautiful. hes got those perfectly shaped almost carved cheekbones, and such beautiful skin! hes so dark and so beautiful!"

"where is he?"

"i'll show you him if i see him again."

We turned around to see Chisel coming towards our table. he introduced himself to us... Chisel Cocoa.

\"Do you want to dance?" Kiss asked him

"yeah, sure."

we all headed to the dance floor. I was ecstatic till Divi came to ask me to come out into the hallway to take a pic of her.I was upset! Didnt sheknow i liked him?!!! Why was she doing this to me?! I followed her out into the hallway and managed to hide my anger as i took her pic. She handed me a business card

"Heres Chisel's card."

I smiled. I was so happy.

I went back into the partyroom to meet Kiss and we went back into the hallway as the party was over and most people had left.

Chisel came out too... Him and Kiss were talkng about something...

He came towards me. We talked, took pictures... i said goodnight to Kiss, she was leaving with her date.

Then Chisel and I talked some more...

Hes a motivational speaker, specializing in neuro associative conditioning. Hes camerounian, and was just coming from another party. He'd just arrived at that party when i met him earlier.

"Wanna go to grab something to eat?"

"Sure. I dontknow anywahere around here but ..."

"We can drive around to find a place if you dont mind."

"sure. I'll drive behind you..."

As i got inot the car, he went to his and came back to mine.

"I'd like to give you my business card"

"I already have one. Divi game me one." I replied

"Oh" he grinned.

We left for the restauant at about 4:30am

It was a short drive to Denny's. We had breakfast and i ...

We talked, talked and talked! He claims he had seen me in the party earlier on the dance floor, but thought i was there with another man. I asked him and he also admited that Divi and Kiss clued him in; that i was single. I didnt like that. I wish he'd came up to talk to me because he wanted to, not because he was clued in... anyway...

He is a persimist. To him, the glass is always half full, if not oveflowing. To him, its normal to greet people as they walk by, to smile out of the blue, to be exceptionally nice... hes like a glass of cool drink in a dessert; he is odd but refreshing and i like that about him. He is 30years old, never been married, no kids. He stands about 5''7. He asked me what type of man i want and i couldnt help but describe what he was. Like i said, hes the identical brother of the man in my dreams. His cheekbones are perfectly shaped, slanding down to his sucked-in cheeks to end at his jaws. His eyes! OH! his eyes... almond shaped, small curly lashes... when this man smiles all you see is teeth... nice white teeth. Hes got small little scars at the left side of his face. Perfect flaws to compliment a perfect face. His skin tone. If i started to blog abo0ut his skin tone, iwont ever finish. No wonder i named him Chisel Cocoa.

After this conversation,

"I'd like to invite you over to my condo but i have 3 friends over from Edmonton. wanna go somewhere and talk some more?"

"Sure." i loked at the time; 7:15am "but where would be open so early on a saturday?"

"We can drive around and find a place."

we drove around, andarrived at a hotel. I didnt mind.

In the hotel, we talked, and talked, and talked. I got into the bed; the room was chilly. He got in with me and we started kissing...

OMG he kisses like a lion. Fierce, yet erotic. and then, he took his suit off and i almost died.

Hidden under the suit were the most structured arms i have ever seen live. And peeping at me from under his wife beater were the most masculine cleavage ever. I couldnt believe he possed such a godly body. I never imagined it. This man was a god. Chisel was a carved god.

And as much as i loved his body, his face and skin ; his mind intrigues me more. We kissed...he'd cup my breasts at intervalls and i'd resist. This was happening so fast. We madeout till about 8:30am when he had to leave. He siad he'd return, he had to go do his banking... supposedly, he had money that would be withdrawn from his acocunt that morning and he had to make sure he had enough in his account. Supposedly, hed made out multiple cheques to be withdrawn and the banking charges will be enormous if he didnt have enough funds to cover them. He asked if i could wait for him and I said it was okay. I fell to slee as he left.

I woke up at 10:20am to feel his body next to mine, asleep. I woke him up as i moved in the bed and i coudnt believe it; we started kissing again. Didnt even brush our teeth. He had this thing about him! this sexual energy! He'd pick me up, and hold me so tight, so so tight. He'd kiss me as he held me up in his arms, i'd wrap my legs around him... he'd place me in bed and occpy my oral cavity with his tongue and swallow my moans as he dug his finger deeper inside of me...

"Do you have a condom?"

"no."

But we flirted witht he idea... I grabbed his dick and placed it at my lips... he almost went it... thrusted almst depe enough to open me up... but we stopped.

We talked about everything from our families, to homosexuality, to perception theories, to past relationships, to marriage, to kids, to likes, dislikes, and more!

On saturdays, he has a contract with a fe high end clubs (dont know what kind of contract.), he also does personal training and counselling. we talked...

Then we wentout for lunch at 4pm... we had mexican,...

he asked me when we could meet again, and i said since hes busier than i am, to call me when hes free...

then we parted.

I told him to tell his friends that i'm sorry to keep him for so long to which he replied... "Tehy'll want to meet you soon."

i blushed.

I went to Nat's place afterwards. I texted him from there: " :) thats you "

He replied "thats me"

and replied "yeah, you look like that when you smile."

late last night, on my way the club, i receieved a text from him : "Want to aknowledge the fact dat you are de most romantic and enliven woman I have ever met. Thanks 4 de wondrful moments"

I replied "Chicel, it was my pleasure. You made it much easier for me to display those qualities. Thank you."

he replied "Enjoy"

That was yesterday.

This is today.

Afterthe club, i called him, his phone rang then went to the answeirng machine

"Hey Chisel! how are you? just wanted to see how you are, and see what you're doing tomorrow as in sunday... anyway, call me back, its Truth."

its 4:40pm now. I still havent heard from him. And i'm here, dying... i cant take this! I deleted his nuumber from my phone so i wont be tempted to call... God help me.

The thing is; i've never felt anything remotely similar in strength to what i feel for this man, for any other man before. But at thesame time, it doesnt matter what i feel if he isnt feeling thesame way.

I wanted to call him again but then, i shouldnt even have to call him at all, before he calls me... he should want to call me, shouldnt he?

i dont want to be clingy, so i wont call...

if he feels anything for me, he'll call me. And if he doesnt, then i dont want to bother him with my calls.

I guess you can kinda say i know how Mr. Fisher must feel.

Dear Mr. Fisher...

Dear Mr Fisher,
As much as i'd like to wring your neck, i'll refrain myself from the urge. Tell me please, what would you like of me? Forget i asked that question. Better yet, how should i have handled it?
We had been talking for quite a while, but like i knew we wouldnt end up anywhere. The truth is, i am me, and you are you. I hate to be rude but where do you see a similarity? What do we have in common other than the fact that we both breathe through our nostrils? Other thanthe common anatomy that implies that we're both human, and the other silly similarity that we were raised in thesame continent, tell me, what else?
We are different! If humans could be delegated into different species, i'd be a fox. And you Fisher, would be something different; somewhat of an oppourtunity for a meal, for me... a Racoon, maybe?
What would you like of me?
I have been truthful. Truthfully explaned to you that i cannot be with you.
"I cant. I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I have too much on my plate."
But really, that was only my de-fouled version of;
"You are a nice man. I might not ever meet one as nice as you are... but I cant be with you. You're way too soft. You needed a backbone like yesterday! Besides(while we're being honest,) I'm too good for you. You walk like your kwashiorkor-like stomach has altered your point of gravity, your walk has been modified to accomodate your liquor-laddened gut just so you wont tip over, fall and break your oversized flattened front-pear-shaped head. You can multitask; able to speak and spit simultaneously but Fisher, i dont need a shower. And even if i did, i definitely dont need a saliva shower, thats for sure. Your vocabulary is astonishing. I understand that English is not your first language but are you willing to understand that i need to be able to communicate with whoever it is i'm with? I'm sorry; I cant keep breaking apart every single word i speak just so you'd ask me what the little fragments of their translation mean! That shit is frustrating like fu&k! AND, you dress like a bushman! Moreover, why are you so insecured? There is nothing more repulsing than a man who needs assistance to get up enough courage to ask a girl who he wants, for a dance."
But its hard for me to be real because reality hurts, and i really didnt want to hurt you. So i packaged my words delicately, wrapped some honey around it, then dipped it in caution, and served you it. But did you buy it? No. The last question you asked me after the conversation we had was
"But cant we just try?"
Its like oyu hadnt heard a word i'd said.
Try what? One moth down the road of trying, you'd be singing some jaded-romance song.
I'll help you, i'll stay away. I keep dropping you clues:
#1 On friday, you called to ask me to come to a party and i said i didnt want to go. I lied. Truth was, as you were asking me, i was picking out my outfit, and getting dressed for the party. I didnt want to go to the party with you. Going with you would mean you'd glue yourself to me all night. You'd attempt to marka territory that was never yours. You got to the party and saw Kiss and asked her if i was coming (which was sort silly of you since i'd told you iw asnt coming!!!) and was told that i was on my way..
#2 You came to meet me at my table at the party where i was seated with a Kiss, her date and two other guys. Yet you (dressed in a nice suit, with a fisher-man hat to ruin it) came towards me, sat at our table, as i rolled my eyes discretly, and turned my back towards you. I didnt want to be associated with you. You were cramping my style. You stayed at our table as if you'd been invited, making it awkward for me... why must you be such a cock blocker?!!! Werent you at another table before???
#3 My friend asked you (because i had expressed my disgust about your hat) why you'd wear such hat with such an outft, and thankfully to her, took it off your head and place it on the table. I still dont understand why you'd wear such hat with a suit!
#4 Everytime you;d come towards me, i'd automatically have something to do. Something like um... i have a phone call to go make, I have to go look for some one,.... something, anything! I knew you wanted to ask for a dance, so i figured if i interrupted you before you got to ask, then i wouldnt have to say no! it worked.
#5 You were at our table (wrong table!) and so was another guy. The guy asked me why i wasnt dancing and i said i was had lost one of my earrings and i needed help finding it. I had looke dwverywhere but the dance floor. there was a slow song playing. He asked me to dance and suggested we'd look for the earring on the dancefloor as we danced. I agreed. It really wasnt about the dance nor the earring. I wanted to get away from you. I cant dance with you, you dance like a broken record, annoyingly stiff, repetitive, and annoying. Is there any other dance you know of other than the "hip thrust to and fro"?
I was sure you'd finnally gotten the point. But i didnt expect what came next.
As i sat down to rest my feet foor the night, you came to our table, and awkwardly (i could feel your negative energy) put your hat on, then your suit. You stood behind me for a what seemed like eternity before coming to me...
"That was an open rejection"
"pardon me?" I was not expecting that
"I said that was an open rejection. You knew i wanted to dance with you, but you went to... anyway, it was nice knowing you"
I wanted to slap you, right there and then. What have i done wrong? Must i dance with everyone who wants to dance with me?
You held out your hand for a shake. I guess this was suppose to be a "you've hurt me so you've lost me and goodbye" handshake.
I ignored you. You left.


I understand that sometimes, you cant have a nice departion. Departion? I was dreaming... The next day at another party, I was there with Kiss, a male friend. Supposedly you went to ask Kiss as i was away on the dance floor, what you've done wrong to me, and why am I rejecting you. You asked her what it is that i'm going through and told her that you wish I knew how much you can do for me.
Fisher, I dont need your help. Do you understand that? I dont!!!
I just need you to simply, be a man. Learn to cut your loses and trust me, you're not even losing. You've won. If i had agreed to be with you, I would not have treated you fairly. Truth is, i cant treat a man right unless i'm happy to be with him.
I hope God sends you your soulmate soon... it isnt me. I'm one of your many Mrs. Wrongs. Please underatnd that.

Goodbye

Crossroad

“Junk in, junk out! Master your mind, the future is mental! Be careful of what information you allow to inform you of who you are.”

How an orphan sold me coffee.

I still dont know how i lost you. I mean, we were good together, werent we?
Somewhere along the line, oceans dried up. They must've. I mean, i swore that'd be the only time we'd part.
Somewhere in some hill or wherever MountKilimanjaro is, it must've flattened...
I was so sure we'd always be...
together.
what happened?
circumstances baby! circumstances led to this. led to the time you came through, bashed into ma home, welcomed you.
You were there and then i arrived and you were to be my sister.
My first sister.
You were the eldest, the "better" sister.
What happened to you?
Out in that open world somewhere within those taller tales of lies and corruption, you live.
I hope you do.
God Jesus, i cant imagine what you been through!
To ma one and only sister! The one aunt i knew was mine, what happened to you!
What happened to me?
what in the name of blessed memories, happened? to us?!
And here i am thinking of troubles and love, wondering where this life of a thing is bringing me yet there you are! doing what?
Jesus Christ!
If any truths ever been spoken pls believe i am so sorry! Because life pulled me away, life pulled you astray! life pulled us away and i didnt struggle to fight.
Neither did you...
and now you are gone.
And so am I.
I remember, i'd watch you stick ur napkins to the bottom of ur panties and i'd imagine the day i'd get to do thesame. I should let you know; i first bled at 15.
You! with that similar insecurity that you passed through to me, you'd check your thigh and emphasize on size "its jiggly"! I'd watch you smile, knowing what you meant. To you, "Jiggly" meant fat, which meant beautiful in at the time when life was still real which was sad because you had no fat on you, but you sure could lie! Anything to make yourself feel beautiful. You were the only beauty that inspired me. Forget "yellow". Yellow is the colour of sickled cells.
Black was the colour of you. You reminded me of coffee...
Your beauty was so fake, yet you wore no make-up. Your beauty was surreal! i couldnt believe none of it! I mean, how could i? you didnt look like the models on TV commercials, you didnt sound like the girls men sang about...
As traces of the song... plays in ma head... every saturday morning, i'd be reminded...
"Omopupa oooo, omopupa lemin fe. omopupa o, jowo moferan re o
light skinned girl, light skinned girl is what i want, light skinned girl, oh how i want you"
... damn! i still remmebr it...
it lingers on... yet... i knew i was being tricked!
i couldnt be tricked!
you stood! a splitting image of what i wanted ot be! Beautiful as an untainted black diamond! Skin aglow like its been retouched! Your beauty was so real, it was fake! I swore you'd been photoshopped!
Your skin tone was, IS just like mine and even though i couldnt help but watch the Tura skin lightening tubes thin to nothing... you never did get lighter...
but the maids sure did.
I'm remmebering an orphan! who might have forgotten herself in a life thats full of spindles. Well if you get pricked, you know where to turn. Right into yourself for safety baby because where in this motherfucking world, is the love?
at 36, i picture you! a princess! who has ever heard of this?! roaming the motherfucking streets in a country where the most females are married by 26! you're at least 10 years behind! And i know what the rumours will be like... No, you're not a sugar mommy, though if you decide to be one, hell i wont blame you! No, you're neither a prostitute nor a regect though i could say you are because too many "Fiances" have passed thru but who am i to complain, who am i to blame them when even I your sister, your neice.... i left you...
You got caught in emotional battles between adults who didnt know no better than to act like pure kids, thiefing your rights away from you so i ask in the name of Jesus or anything that i can motherfucking pray to right now, WHERE IS GOD??!!!
if not by an orphan child who has had no break,
tell me, where is He?!!!
But i really should let the world know; Dola gave me my idea of beauty. She told me what beauty is through actions.Though she wore no makeup, her beauty was so surreal, it must've been fake. I am amazed how in a world where papaya was the best drug, Dola got me hooked, on coffee coloured skin tones.

What is meant to be...

Sometimes, things seem so simple
yet you go out, over and beyond
just so they wouldnt be.
because complication is interesting.
and simple, simply isnt.
Sometimes you know what is right
but act out the wrong
because addiction is a powerful thing
and alcohol isnt the only addictive drug.
Sometimes i wonder if i'm meant to live this life.
Easy. Straight. Simple life.
Because as it all unfolds,
like a beautiful orchestra in a theatre.
I choke the opera singer
because he sounds way too perfect.
So maybe perfect isnt me.
Maybe i want something else.
Sometimes
i wonder if i truly am meant to be.
Happy as this...
or maybe life is to remain as such.
This tumbling roller coaster.

Lord, give me the strength

to get through this.
Let your will be done
in this voyage of mine.

reminder to you

i said my piece and moved on
then he came
and then her
and i dont know but to aid
so aid i did
and....
yet...
nothing
okay you know i'm not upset,
but i am loosing patience
i can stand being overlooked
but only for so long...
now,
get to it before i really get mad.

In both ears, out ma fingertips

We can have a truth sandwich but dont kill it with some bogus sauce.
You cant possibly close your eyes and wonder, dare imagine what the other piece is.
But you can however, bitch.
you cant now nor ever empathize.
Everybody is a victim
because no one is able to see the other's pain.
everybody has been dealt a sore deck of cards
and the other seems to keep playing poker
Who will save us from this fine mess?
Oh well! i cant bother to narrate to blind kitties in languages they dont hear...
aren't willing to hear, dont want to comprehend.
sharp sharp sharp claws sharppend!
i better keep my feet in motion!
but of course, the world is full of excuses so...
cut that! slice me a piece of that! some crisp harsh-worded lettuce! and no! no, no, no sauce pls!
while i be here, remaining the truth sandwich, but please dont kill me with some bogus sauce.

It houses you

The louder they laughed the louder it did
these memories scream deep
and even now, it feels so hard
as it travels down ma throat,... i know its real.
i give you this moment.
you deserve it.
besides, what else can i do with it?
its already ruined.
you have damaged my getaway...
Witchita will never be thesame.
I miss you so much!
even the harsh moments just werent strong enough to jolt me back into the present; then.
i needed a reality check.
the truth is
you werent there.
you are not here.
neither will you ever be here.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but will do everything to keep it in the past.
its been weeks
and i love Witchita
but can never ever want you back
yet, i cry.
Witchita is gone to me
your scent rooms in it
your face plastered in the haunted houses...
i heard your voice in the crowds
and saw your footprints in the snow
i saw the time you slipped
and the times i got angry
"how could you wear such thin leather jacket? You're going to freeze!"
i must be going crazy.
winter is gone. so is the doubt. so is our spot. along with you.
though summer is in
your memory remains vivid
remember the pictures we took?

wow.
You took Witchita away from me.