Drum Roll Please!...

And the Greatest Actor Award Goes tooo.....
HONORABLE CHISEL COCOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


On his way to what he wants to be,
I met him. And tripped all over that love.
lol
And claim he did, that he was he and i was looking to believe
so i did.
But he isnt it.

So i got up enough guts to ask
Mr. "I'll-deny-my-culture-for-being-western-is-so-much-more-sophistimacated"
why on earth he prides himself on being detached from his culture- as i sensed his pride when he said:
"I dont go to Camerounian parties. I just go in, say hi and leave"
"I dont listen to African music"
"I dont..."
I had heard enough of it. This fool in his distorted mind, thinks it is prestigious to deny his, while masking as thiers. What a fool!

So i got tired of hearing
Mr. "I-love-you-but-dont-have-time-for-you-so-i-dont-know-what-to-hurt-you"
tell me all the reasons why his day is so busy that he cant call nor return texts nor give a shit enough to assist me emotionally when he says he cares-
"I'll call you tomorrow to see how your sister is doing"


I heard from him 5days after, only for him to ask me if i can bring my girl "Kiss" over so she may meet his brother. I was outraged. I blew up in his face- his brother is married. Though seperated, HE IS MARRIED!
is this what he wanted for my friend?
Selfish ignorant motherfucker!
I got upset and yeah, i sure told him.
I went to the dinner nevertheless...
why?

I think the true reason is that i wanted to see him.
So when i got there with Kis,, we met his Chisel Cocoa, his brother, and a third friend of theirs. We talked and had a good time...
but something if not LOTS of things were missing. I came to realise that the time Chisel and I spent together was now mostly with others.
Dear reader, Please, NEVER say never (oops! did i just say never? lol)
For you do not know what you're capable of until the time comes.

I saw the grinch of dissatisfaction bear some delusions and although it was all a joke to me at first, i found myself nourishing those illusions till i almost believed them and even worse, till i implanted their seeds into another...

I got to thinking (and dont ask me what prompted the thought)... what if Chisel has a thing for Kiss?
I'll admit- they get along VERY WELL. they do! CHisel is an easy person to get along with as he is very talkative and charming...
Kiss isnt always open, but Chisel facilitated that openess so that it made it easier for her.
But there was nothing there...
Yet i made one up...
i brought it to Kiss's attention and she was flabbergasted about the whole idea...

I knew i must have really been going through some kind of mind-fuckery when i realised i've managed to convince her and evenmanaged to convince myself!!!

People, i tell you... you must be careful what thoughts you allow yourself to ponder about. The mind is a powerful thing!
anyway,...

At the dinner (quite frankly, i'm glad i went to that dinner at his place)
Somehow, his actions managed to devour the crush i had for him right out of my heart...
that night, i fell OUT of love with Chisel.
Him and his brother were so much alike, it was almost sickening.
I loved their unity, but hated the way they presented themselves. You'd almost have to be spiritual, to detect the indiscrepancies between their actions and their words; between their claims and reality.

But i must admit, I learnt from Chisel what i didnt learn from a lot of men.

"YOU MUST DEMAND MUCH FOR YOURSELF!"

so i did.


So in 7 minutes and 30 secnds last evening, I told Chisel on the phone:

" I need to ask you a favour. And this is probably the hardest thing i've ever had to ask for because i must admit, it isnt what i want BUT it is what i desperatley need!. Life is sometimes silly becus ewaht we want isnt what we necessaruly need and i waish I could need what i want but i know i dont. I'm certain."
and as usual, Chisel the almighty talker decided to interupt but i had to take the microphone from him
"Chisel, please let me speak. I dont need you to agree nor disagree with me" dammit that man loves hearing his own damn voice! "I need you to listen."
I continued.."Last night, i went to a party, and saw this man who has been trying to get with me. He saw me and proceeded to ask "Truth, I've been calling you but you havent been returning my calls, i called you several times!" and i tell you- Chisel, i told him i was sorry but i couldnt tell him anything more than that. I have told this same man that i couldnt be with him yet he keeps calling and let me tell you- if i kept receiving his calls, h'll keep thinking he had a chance. I was doing him a favour not necessarilly for him but also for my conscience. I wouldnt feel good, knowing that i was fostering his feelings for me. I love that I did that regardless of how much he might not understand that i wasnt answering his calls. When he asked me to dance, i said no, for thesame reason! And i respect myself for being able to do that because i knew it would make me look bad and mean and stuck up but Chisel, I wouldnt feel good knowing that i was toying with his feelings"
He interrupted again "Thats really good Trtuh! i mean thats really respectful of you because..."
"I dont need your praises, please!" i intersected. if only he'd just listen!
"Sorry"
I continued..." And I really want to develop thesame respect for you. Its hard for me to respect someone that calls me consistently intermittently knowing that i havefeelings for them and i cant have what i want with them."
Silence. I still remember the silence...
"For the 5days that you didnt call, i felt so much at peace. I had no thoughts of you. I had almost healed, but then you called and there i was again, back at square one... So Chisel, I'm asking you to help me retain my dignity, by doing for me, what i'd do for another. Please, help me by not calling me anymore."
"I definitely understand"
"Thank you"
"you're welcome"
"Bye"
"Bye"

*click*

Sometimes, you need the craze to get the glue!

I havent seen my family bond so well as they have these past couple of days.
We've spent these past days together. We've come together, to support one another.
Theres been times when i wondered if it would have made a difference if it wasnt Ambition in that hospital bed.
Would it be any different if it was I, for example?
Ambition is well loved. She is blessed with the priviledge of chairing our parent's heart.
And it would have made it easy to envy her if it wasnt her.
But she makes it so hard. So hard to hate her.
I cant.

Ever heard of a coworker that gets awarded for everything- being on time, being conscientous, being the best worker, THEN you meet her only for her to be the nicest person ever?

Ambition is too easy to love.
So although it was hard being her sibling when i was little, i couldnt hate her.
because she loved me, and everyone else so perfectly. She was simple. She was an easy person.


shes getting better and i'm so glad.
Thanks to everyone thats expressed their best wishes, hope you never get to experience this.
Rumour says she might be discharged tomorrow.

I'll conclude with a joke that happened yesterday.
Its funny now but when it happened, it was quite embarrassing.

Okay so picture Ambition, my nephew and neice, my other sister (Fierce), my brother, and a third sister (Aqua) sitting in the living room, talking, laughing, and chilling when my brother in law (Bode) picked up my cell phone from the coffee table.
Hes a jester so i knew he was teasing when he said
"your phone is so cheap, it doesnt even have a camera feature, does it?"
"it does, its a camera phone!"
"oh, so you have pics in it?"
"yeah, check the gallery and then check the images in there for pics"

and so he did.
Now, i know that i have a secret that only I and Fierce knows of in my family.
I take nude pics.
I love nudity and I've often wondered if it'd make a difference if i didnt think i had a nice body. I dont think it would.
Fierce use to beat me for it when i was young. She'd scold me to tears and lecture me for hours and she'd make me rip the nude pics i'd taken- but that was when i was younger. Now i'm older, an adult. She'd lost the right to scold me. She'd lost that fight, bless her soul!
But anyway, Fierce didnt say anything, and neither did i.
i was so sure i didnt have any nude pics in my cam.
I was wrong.

I had China take a nude pic of me a lil while ago- its a pic of me in a fetal position,facing downward, naked but a thong...
yeah, Bode saw it
and flipped it around to show me what he saw, but because i was sitting far from him, everyone saw it.
I tell you, i would've turned purple if i could have, but my wealth of melanin deprived me of such.
Yeah, it was so embarrasing.
My mom was like
" oh my goodness!" "what are you? a stripper, now?!!!"
"sure mom! would you like to watch me strip one of these days?"
needless to say, she didnt reply... My mom is pretty reserved and she'd rather not say much in these sort of instances.
the poor woman was short of words. I dont think i can suprise her anymore.
lol

Anyway, so that was that!

Loved Ambition

Its sad really,
i've been here, struggling with my own issues,
running around in little circles, upset about me
being the self-absorbed bitch that i am
Truth is, theres much more to life than my troubles
or what i perceive them to be anyway

Ambition called me and i didnt answer my phone but i called her back shortly after. I was shocked to hear my mom's voice say "hello?"
The first thing that came to mind was
oh shit, Ambition is dead
i dont know why, but mom never answers Ambition (or anyone's) phone!
"Ambition is in the hospital"
I thought "wharahell!"
well, i was at least thankful to God that shes alive.
I wasnt all that suprised that shes in the hospital.
I guess you can kind of say that I saw it coming.
I didnt ask what for...
I know why shes there...
same reason why i would have been there a year ago.
Thank God she is alive.




Ambition



The woman is a gem to me. I really do owe her a lot.
so much.
I admire her. I say this not because she is my sister, but because I've been blessed to have a sister like her.
i owe her my drives.
Although there are many times when her goodheart's been stabbed for being naive
And those times I bitched at her for being so
i really do admire her strength and ability to trust so much.
She loves people, deeply.
But she runs low
on that which she gives much of.

so instead of giving to herself
that which she lacks,
she hopes to buy
but love aint for sale
not here, not there, not anywhere
so searches she does
and pays she pays
with memories, with bills, status and dreams

"Ambition, love aint for sale baby"

love is pure, generous, carefree, love isnt candy but it is sweet.
best of all, love is free.

so i'm going over to visit my sister who gave me my strength and ambition
the one who bestowed the love for my future on me,
the one who shares my path, taking my hand in times when i'm lost
the one who tends to forgive even when she appears naive


and i pray God gives me the strength and generousity
to help her refil her cup
so that she knows she is loved

I pray that he fills me up
and moves my lips
so that i may utter the right words
to let her know
just how much she strenghtens me
and just how beautiful she is
and just how much
she deserves so much more.
I pray that he unveils her, so that she may see her beauty as i do.

I want to let her know
that it is okay to be lost
for that is the time to find a new path
that it is okay to make mistakes
for those mistakes teach you the best lessons
that it is okay to be down
for you see the sky much clearer
that it is okay to drop
the harder you fall, the better you remember
that life aint about the bills
it aint about the letters
it aint about the status
life is about happiness
life is about contentment
life is about loving yourself and being at peace.


I pray God grants her perfected sanity.
get well soon, baby.

Thank God for copying and Pasting...

Okay, I must say, I've received a "fair" share of messages on Hi5, Facebook and where ever else from men who hope to someday weave themselves into my pants (or my skirts lol) or into my life for whatever reason... but this message i receieved today, gtes the cake. I must say, i do think this guy has potential. Unfortunately, he sounds like a broken record. I wonder how many other females he's sent this same message to. Read on, and enjoy...




--- Nolan wrote:

wat can a man like me do to get a woman like u,i've been looking through ur profile and truly u are one of the sexiest and most bueatiful woman i've ever seen.i wish every day for someone like u but that wish is yet to come through.i've been searching for a woman like u but now its you that decides my future,is it one that is bright with u or one that is dull and dark without u.contact me back because we really need to start communicating

---Truth wrote:

So tell me, Jason... what is it about "a woman like me" that attracts "a man like you"?
And when you "wish for someone like" me, what exactly do you wish for?
Lastly, why would you leave it up to a stranger to decide your future? Why not just take control of it, yourself since its YOURfuture...





Truth is; i actually loved reading that epistle he copy-and-pasted to me... i did! lol
anyway, carry on...

ORGASMIC UNITY

i had my first mutual orgasm...
it was great...
so pls somebody, raise a glass for me
lets make a toast!
TO MY FIRST MUTUAL ORGASM!!!

Chisel, lets write a book

Come here...
closer.
i want to speak to you
and i want you, to listen... to me.
to my heat, my curves, me...
listen to my body
I want to speak to you
adore your shaft
I!
I want to love you
Love those hands, praise those fingers that feels me whole
I want to bless you
with me,
Let me... welcome you
So come here
I want to hold you
So much, deep in the tightest part of my being
right deep down, to the side, where my pleasure resides...
i want to shiver with you
vibrate through you
warm up your soul
with this volcano
and bring you through
i want to come with you
So co...co...come... here
I want to create the sweetest love with you...

My trip to Quebec was.... intetresting...

So i went with Kiss, China and Kiss's male friend. Okay, so i'll be honest, i didnt exactly like this friend of hers but that was besides the point. He was going thesame way as us so we figured, shy not drive down with him, in his car.
bad idea!
(brb)

ITS A GIRL!!!

I was born with a defect. When Moma heard ma cry, little did she know i was far, far, far and even farther, from her hopes. She wished for a normal child. A baby that would fill the void, make every little thing right. But unfortunately, i was missing a part. I was incomplete. Her baby was born, handicapped.
But she loved me anyway, she never did give me the idea that i was incapable, different, abnormal.
But i see it in their eyes when i wake. I smell it in their stench when we love, i sense it in their tones when they speak. Lowered expectations i didnt have to hop to reach, Gawking eyes that sized my eligibility, Little subtle faith they had in my worth... none. It all reminded consistent like cock crow at the break'a fresh dawn...
yes, i am handicapped.

When Moma asked the inevitable question: "what is it?"
She heard the clumsy nurse reply: "its a girl."
Poor nurse it must have been real hard... having to announce the sad news.
Iwas born, missing a penis and a few balls.
but please, dont crusify me. I should be collecting some sort of government financial disbaility subsidy. But this disability lacks that luxury. I was born into the wrong gender. I was born a woman. I admit it, I'm missing a part. But i didnt choose! You arent any better, all you had was luck! I was chosen to be this mutant, and for that must i be punished?
Must you demand that i make your meals, that i make it right, and that i serve it too?
Must i breed your kids, help make money and love you too?
Wait a minute, lets visit this topic for a minute... Mister man, must i WANT kids? Is the essence of my life, the true reason why i breathe, the purpose of my being, to make another version of me, so that someday, "she" too, my mutant child, can slave off for yet another version of you???
And say i couldn't cook, and i was barren, then what does that make me? huh!??? A total waste of space, a food consuming engine, some sort of dispensable trash?
God, if i should ever be re-born
hope never again to be this.
And if i should ever breed,
Hope to never hear it....
"ITS A GIRL!!!"