Aint I A Woman? - Sojourner Truth (1797-1883)

"Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the Negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about? That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman? Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? (member of audience whispers, "intellect") That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full? Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him. If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them. Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

Names of you

Melody: for your mother's love of music.
Harmony: nothing is more fufilling than to be in harmony with your body, mind and soul
Soleil: means "sun" in French. You'd be the center of my world. You'd make me love the light.
Trinity: to remind me of what matters most in the world. The father(or mother?), spirit, son (or daughter?)
Song: the beutifullest things in this world ars songs and...
Meusiq: not thesame as song. Music isnt necessarilly lyrics harmonized with rythm. Music can be a chain of events, harmonized with rythm. You'd be part of the lyrics of my life.
Miraquel: for me to have a child; to feel loved by it and to give all my love to it without holding back. to teach a child my precious gifts... to err its life of the errs of mine, would be a miracle
Seoul: the only thing i'll bring with me when i'm gone. I'd bring you with me.
Watar: Cant live without it. I want you to be priceless to this world. To infect it with the need for you. Make it want to hold you, forever
Darque: The best things, the deepest secrets, and the realest things live in the dark.
Fayar: You ignite with the littlest inspirations. You'll burn with the boldest love. You'd burn thorough hearts that hate and find your niche in gentle hearts.
Truth: Oh wow! your heart lives in your heart, your heart on your tongue. You will act as you believe is true. And will be critical of whatever society demands of you, truthfully.
Gift: you'd be my gift to the world. And you'd be the world's greatest gift.
Love: Need i expatiate? you'd give love. And you'd remind the world of the most important aspect of love.
Wintermorn:Ever looked out your door on a winter morning? Pure, undisturbed, white. Perfect.
Red: Red is the only colour that is capable of making me feel juvenile, strong, bold and loving at thesame time. You'd be forever young, ever strong, the boldest being and the epitome of love.
Earth: To commemorate my love for the mother of it all. You'd be as natural as can be. You'd be giving and you'd florish. Everyone who knows you will feed of off you and you will never lack.
Reign: May reign rain! You will hover over the world and reign (rain) in it.
Summer rae: One of my client's granddaughter's names. Summer-rae reminds me of the rainbow. You'll bring shine, a supernatural light to this world. You'll be my everlasting promise from God.
Dream: Here i am dreaming you. By then, i would have dreamt you here. You'd stay asleep from birth to death. I want you to see the beautifullest things, and i would not want you to stop dreaming.

Hate, Regrets, Anger, all of a fucken sudden!

I spoke with Ambition a few minutes ago.
shes been calling me, trying to get a hold of me.
Maybe if i'd be checking my voicemails i would've heard the news.
But i never do, so i didnt.

Its true i cant stand Dada.
He was my best friend for my first 10 years.
And then life happened and the wools were pulled so that i could see the light.
I no longer was a fool.
I saw Dada, for Dada.
and what i learnt of Dada and what i have continued to learn since then, had made me decide that he deserved no respectful spot in my life.

But how little this seems to matter,
once you realise you could lose someone, for life.

Dada, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. no word of what stage it is, yet.

the thought of losing the one person who is responsible for my cardinal characters, my cardinal beauties... makes me sad.
at 62, i cant imagine what life would be like, if i didnt share it with him.

and even at this moment, it is so hard to pick up the phone to call.
to love him wholeheartedly, would be to forgive him.
and forgiveness, that i wasnt prepared to do.
and now i feel like i have to.
all of a sudden
the most health-centric Afro man i know
all of sudden
the only man that seems to fuck me up so damn well
all of a sudden
the one voice that use to move mountains and clouds all at a whisper
all of a sudden
all of a fucken sudden
all of a mother fucken sudden!

HIV Bug Chasers

I couldnt believe this when i read it but i guess its true.
I was doing my usual blogville wandering when i stumbled on Gaybanker's ( http://gaybanker.blogspot.com ) blog and and Soul Dreamer's ( http://waitin4life.blogspot.com ) blog and they both had a mention of this issue.
Supposedly theres a documentary in the UK about this.

Okay so i understand that some people like gifts.
Matter of fact, i believe hwe all do!
And i've heard of the desire to receive a gift such as cars, money, boxes of chocolates, candles, dildos (okay okay, that one na just me lol)
but hear this:

There are some people who would want to be given the (brace yoursleves ma people!) gift (hope you have enough stomach for this one) of HIV.
no, you no read am wrong, na wetin i type. HIV as in AIDS' virus.

The documentary explored the likes of people who want to have HIV because they figured that once they do, they dont ever have to worry about getting it again (emm... wouldnt that be because you already have it?).

i tell you, not every one who goes around with a head on their neck and an ear on each side of it, really owns a working brain. If these people arent mentally ill, then neither are schizophrenics.

so supposedly... a 19year old boy got a gang of HIV men to fuck him, cum into him and then plug his butt with a buttplug (ohhh how i love those!) so that all the semen could be absorbed (yeah, we wouldnt want to lose any drop of that HIV-infected semen, now would we?).

Not only is this sick, its also sick. I'm waiting for someone to give this illness an official name cause they really must be sick.
And if you dont think this is sick, then you really need to reread it, and go check yourself in at the local mental health center because you really are a danger to yourself and the whole of the human race.

Please thank God for your sanity if you find this sick!

The Unwarranted liar

I was chatting with Kiss today when Shamaine's name came up.
Oh, Shamaine! how do i forget thee!

I met her in 10th grade.
I'd always see her in the hallways as i passed and i knew she'd always check me.
not the "oh, girl i'd fuck you in a minute" type check but the "whoa! why she waltzing like a diva?" type check.

see... when i walk, i stride. i glide. my walk... i can go on and on about my walk but there are only 24hours in a day, so...

but then Shamaine and I started talking (dont remember how exactly)
she was one grade less than i was, yet we had one class together.
Shamaine was a bright student, so i wasnt suprised.

Shamaine!
5'6 tall, about 150pounds, dark skinned, never weave, hair permed, usually pulled back in pony tail, big puffy cheeks, little eyes, big nice lips... Shamaine!

i knew Shamaine was cheap. it didnt take me long to realise. From the tip of her hair to the sole of her feet, Shamaine never dedicated much money into herself.
...or anything else, for that matter. But she'd always boast about how much she spent on her outfits and how hot she looked.
If you ask me, she looked like a village girl (but no one is asking me so i wont go intomuch details about that)
i never really judged her for that. I figured, if she wanted to save her money, thats her business and its actually a good quality.

Shamaine was a good friend. We'd hang out in our group with a few other friends and have a great time each lunch break. We'd always walk home together...
but something was fishy about Shamaine.
her words, just never added up.
Shamaine would come out of the blue to say something like "This guy in my class likes me so much" and for some reason, it wouldnt ring true...
Everytime Shamaine would lie, i'd be able to tell and i dont know why, BUT i just could. Its like i had a SHamine Lie-dar or something!
But i started to doubt myself when it started to sound to me like I suspected she was lying everytime she spoke!
I thought; "no, maybe its just me. she couldnt lie so much." and pushed the thought out of my head.
I decided to start believing Shamaine. I started to trust her words.

Then, Christmas of '99...
Shamaine invited me to her church and i agreed to go. On our way down, she had a package with her. She said the package was a christmas gift and asked if i'd take a look the gift inside it and give her a feedback. I did. It was a white ceramic-like trinket box with silver trims. I didnt like it. maybe because i dont like trinkets. If you ask me, they're like the most useless things in the world and i had already had about 4 different ones. But i knew it was Shamaine's sort of thing. Something about it screamed "Shamaine!" so i told her it was cute (it really was)... but that was all i said.
Then she immediately said

"oh! okay, i'll get you one for Christmas then, since you like it! I bought it for $25.00"

Please, note that i never did say that i liked it, neither did i ask her how much it was. I asked her where she got it and she said "Oh, I got it from Aluwhalia Mall!"
I didnt even think that Shamaine had ever been in that mall since you'd actually have to want to spend money to go to Aluwhalia Mall. Its the more expensive mall.
Shamaine's attitude seemed odd to me because she isnt the type to give gifts (because gifts costs money), she isnt the type to shop at Aluwhalia mall (too expensive) AND she isnt the type to buy ANYTHING for $25.00!
I knew something was definitely up. I mean; WAYYYYY UP!

So you can imagine how upset i was, when i went with my mom to the local plaza with my mom the week after. I walked past the dollar store and guess what i saw in abundance! yes, you guessed right... WHITE CERAMIC-LIKE TRINKET BOXES WITH WHITE TRIMS! They were thesame make, thesame colour, thesame everything!

So when Christmas came, Shamaine, gave me my gift.
I wanted to tell her how i felt... but i was waiting to really suprise her.
Instead, i told her i'd give her her gift in class after the holidays.
She didnt fail to tell me numerous times that she wanted a (specific) pair of shoes for christmas.
She wanted the shoes, i got the trinket box at Yangrilla Plaza. Hmm!

During the holiday break, i was so upset. I considered my friendship with Shamaine, evaluated it, and thought about all the times I'd felt like she'd lied to me.
I was angry!

On the first day of school, in class...i told Shamaine to come and see me, and she did.
she sat behind me in class and i gave her the gift.
i didnt say anything, i had the gift wrapped, placed it on her desk and watched her watch it, wondering what it could be.

Then i turned aroung and looked at her.
I was disappointed. I was angry. I felt deceieved, for no reason.

"Shamaine, i feel like i have to come honest with you. May i speak with you?"
"okay, what?"
"I'm grateful for the gift you gave me."
"oh, thats no problesm, you're welcome" she almost smiled. But i guess she knew better. She looked at me, and the half-smile got stuck in the corners of her mouth, and receeded back into her throat as she listened.
"why did you lie to me?"
"what are you talking about?"
"tell me this: Shamaine, did i ever ask you for a Christmas gift?"
"no, ..."
"Did i ever ask you for a trinket box?"
"no"
"Did I ever ask you how much the trinket box cost?"
"No"
"When i did ask you where you got it from, didnt you tell me it was from Aluwhalia mall?"
"yeah, i did..."

When i get angry, i usually feel like getting physical. But not that day. Although she was only 3 inches away from me, i didnt feel the need to slap her shitless.
I felt the need to leave her, to never speak to her again. I wasnt angry much. But the disappointment that i felt, was enough to kill a newborn.

"Shamaine, I went to Yangrila plaza, and I saw an abundance of those trinkets in the dollarstore, being sold for a afghani (i.e like one dollar) as opposed to the $25.00 you told me"

she looked shocked, caught, and silly... she also looked confused because all those emotions were trying to dominate her face all at once.

"They have it there?" i wanted to slap her "thats weird because..."
"I cant stand you lying to me." i remained calm "and you know the part that angers me the most is that you lie, for no reason." i wanted to cry "you lie when you really dont have to, when i never demand anything of you. I place no pressure on you, you never have to impress me. thats what a friend is for; so you can be yourself, YET you lie! "
"No, Truth, honestly, i didnt know..."
"and your lies continue. But the difference between you lying to me now, and lying to me back then about the trinket is that at least, i can undserstand that you're lying now because you're ashamed. You're embarrassed that you've been caught so although you know that i know that you're lying, you do it to save your pride. But what i dont understand is why you felt the need to lie to me initially about the trinket. That was an unwarranted lie."
I was so angry. She was starting to look pathetic.
"I know you wanted the a pair of shoes but as you can see, thats not what i got you. I didnt feel like you'd ever purchase a pair of shoes for me, so now... i wouldnt do that for you. I'm giving you thesame trinket box back. No, it isnt thesame one that you gave me... its a different one that i got from the dollar store at Yangrilla Plaza. I figured since you love it so much, i'd get you thesame thing."

I turned around, i couldnt stand the pathetic look on her face any longer.

"I'm sorry. Sorry but i didnt know that they sell it at Yangrilla for a dollar"

she couldnt stop lying.
and i couldnt stop bring angry.

Shamaine never owned up to her lies.
Neither did she change her lying ways.
I remained "friends" with her for years after then but I've since lost contact with her.
Last time i saw her, she was finished with post secondary school as a Bio-technician and was working.
But since i got that information from Shamaine who was riding in the local bus at the time, i find that hard to believe.
That was the end of the friendship between Shamaine and I.

Got a bug... 24hour bug

I saw you today and couldn't believe my eyes.

Shaha said "Hey! Dominique! how you been" and i turned around, only to be confronted by his face and my consience and the memories of the night...
years ago .......6years ago.
Dominique had asked me out to the club but i didn't like him. He had a car, and i didnt. I wanted to go out with the girls so i played my tricks and invited the girls along. He was our ride, nothing but our ride.
Dominique Ayana went to thesame highschool as me.
He was absolutely one of the most popular boys in school not because he was the hottest, neither was he the most unattractive. He wasn't a nerd, he wasn't hated. He was loved by everything and everybody in the school and in a highschool full of hatred, its hard to be loved by all. But Dominique was a comedian.Ever met a guy who made you and everyone else around him roar with laughter?He was well respected because he wasnt a blabbermouth.I respected him.
But couldn't be attracted to him. His lanky 5'6 skinny frame was not what i admired in men. Besides, he was a few months younger, and i was about 12 going on 40. I didn't date men my age. I prefered them much older.
So that night some weeks after we'd graduated, he asked me out and like the genius that i am, i invited three other girls and he was our ride.


...So tonight...as i saw Dominique flames of shame burnt my insides as i saw what i could have had...and what i failed to appreciate.
We danced through the night and when Destra Garcia sang "I Dare You"I seduced him with my dares as i challenged him to every whine; and he came with it, responding to the rhythm, responding to my turns...i turned to him and said "wow you've got you some great leg muscles!" to which he responded with a blush and comically told Shaha "She loves 'me legz!"


I want him...i do...i cant say a lot of men are good but i can say Dominique is...when i saw him today, i hoped he'd ask for my number but he didn' and couldn't blame him. Maybe he'd lost interest. Maybe he'd learnt his lesson. Maybe, he is shy. Either way,i know that i'd promised myself not to fall again so although i'm threading on the boundries of breaking that promise, I wont shatter it by making the first (second?) move.
I'm still healing from my previous experiences so i need someone to pray for me so that i can get rid of this 24hour lovebug for Dominique Nidad.

Let me never know beauty, if it isnt me.

Love is blind. its true. So i love myself, blindly. I choose to remain blind and refuse whatever interfering beliefs anyone or anything might suggest. I love the baby i was. I love the girl i was. I love the lady i am. I love even much more, the woman i'll become. I admire her, that is to come of me.

I love the dark tones that demarcates the darkness of the rest of my body from the lighter tones of my palms. I love the two dimples on the back of my hips. I love my left hip thats not as curvy as the right, and the right that struggles to be noticed each time i wear a tight-fitted dress. I love my elbows that reminds me not to be forgotten everytime i dont lube them. i love my face... oh... how i love my face! Love it's cheekbones that seems to disclose my originality from miles away.i love it's skin for struggling with me, through every doubt, every trial, every single way... i love my skin. For i know i was destined to be flawed, yet you remain strong. I love the corns on my left foot. Lmao oh wow... poor thing. Having one foot thats substantially larger than the other has finally taken its toll. When i tell people i'm both a size 7.5 and 8.5, they tend to think i'm kidding. oh, left foot! You taught me a lesson in beauty. Beauty, is you.

I love the scar on my left leg. Its encouraged my memory to never forget where i've been, where i'm from, and where i want to go. I love my back. I say to my back; "Back, i tell you... if i could have your tone all over me, i'd be the darkest chocolate money cant buy". I love my butt. Oh, how i have struggled with that part of my body... till i told myself..." I want to remain struggle-free". I have the best flaws on the soles of my feet and only I can understand this when i say that that is where my favourite passtime is...

I loved the mole on my face. I miss it. I had it till last month when suddenly, it began to bleed, and after a few days, it fell off. I'll miss the days when i use to hear people say "oh, theres something on your face" and they'd go ahead and try to wipe it off as i'd reply "its a mole". lol I love my waist; my premature love handles... I love the little rotund meat at the base of my tummytomtom... and laugh i hear when people claim that i dont have a tommytomtom. I love the map on my stomach. I have a birthmark that looks like some sort of map... i should post a pic of it, just in case someone knows which country's map it resembles. I call it the "Map of Africa". I want to see how it'd look if ever i get pregnant. I love the mole under my left breast. And the fact that i dont wax my floors. I dont feel like i should be killing myself shaving my puchichi if men arent socially required to do so. I'd like to know why i should be required to shave my privates if i'm a grown woman. If a man wants to sex a child, thats his own palava. I on the other hand, am a woman. So no, i dont shave my peeweewee... i admit i do it for bathing suits and sometimes because the hair gets in the way...

I love the fact that my breasts are confrontational. They litterally, call for attention. These babies, are bold. They stand, errect, and wont accept any less... and the molten lava of blackness that mounts them... my nipples, lol well, those are in their own league. It amazes me how i can still sometimes see my nipples poping through layers of clothes and padded bras... May God be praised. I love my knees.

I love my hair. Oh, how i love my hair. Its the easiest thing to alter on me and probably the most versatile. I love that its infected me with beauty. My hair as made me love it. I love that its dark ashy brown color got me a lot of teases as a child and that its scanty soft curls still persist. I love that it never rages against me and that it forgives me, continuously. I take my hair on journeys, and it simply submits, knowing that every single one will be an adventure. Its been there through my days of nubian journeys, my years of weaves, and those days when i was lost in a sea of life's silly demands... us black girls are special for this. It takes a lot to learn to love your hair. Layers and layers of veils remain adamant that beauty isn't this. lol i tell you, one of the best features of me, crowns my head.

I love my ears that are barely there. I love that they never caused me any heartache and appreciate that. I love my neck that once needed help lol. I love my lips, my tongue for remaining in close ties with my heart and concience. I love my nose. I think thats the one thing i've never been criticised for, that i on the other hand, have criticised myself for. i love that its taught me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And for that reason, i have chosen to behold the beauty in it. I love my eyebrows!!! All 19 strands of hair on them lol. I love that they have taught me the art of "brow drawing".

I love my eyes and thank God for them. My 20/20vision is well appreciated. For i have seen plenty in my 20some years. Enough to thank God for. Let love be blind, let me never know beauty, if it isn't me. For i'd much rather intoxicate myself with this beauty than any other that deceives me of what true beauty is.

Dawn in Ekiti

Dawn in that little town where i'd shine
every single christmas i shone
for poverty isnt it till you've seen the richest panhandling
and they who feed of'a these
us we
lol
us we
DAWWWN!
Dawn in that little town where i'd shine
every trip almost ecstatic
every trip
those hills those trees
the deserted distances in between
the deserted distances with leaves
Can i really explain this to do it enough justice?
Dawn in Ekiti
i knew ecstacy at 9
I knew Dawn!
in Ekiti...

City streets infested with happy kids
who'd dare tief your pitni?
no Knock Knocks, no phone calls
come in and out as you please
so you dare not hide a thing.

Dawn in EKiti where i knew Ecstacy.

I'd mix with the yeses and the nonos...
mix with whoever accepted me
buying homemade candies all day long
the streets fed me till Dawn came
then i'd feed off of the streetside hawks
I'd get drunk off the walks and smile at the elderly
thesame ones would line the streets at thesame times
all to feel the Dawn on their skins
and we'd love both poor and rich
soaking in the precious Dawn before it ceases,
loving the rhythms of our lives
as i return the next year
never saying goodbye
to those elderly smiles that never died
and the tribal marks that named each face
nor that massive slopy hill
nor that path engraved in my memory
filled with little bushes that led to the mysterious lady
why i chose to remember you i do not know
but i see your shadow
everytime i remember my walkgasms
with Dawn in Ekiti.
How could i not love the night?
It is the only trace i've got
the one similar thing
to what i had
what we had.
i and dawn. in ekiti.

TEN Commandments: On Men.

1. Thou shalt demand of them to surpass your expectations. You must demand that they surpass your expectations. NUMBER ONE RULE! Never settle! The people you settle for end up being the total idiots who never deserved you in the first place. its true! i type this with a lot of data to back it up. If you settle, you'll regret it after you'd broken up. You'll tell yourself "and to think i was only settling for him in the first place".
2. Thou shalt accept only they who enriches your life and encourages your dreams. Only accept men who enriches your life and encourages you to dream. i once had a man (Kimani) who trophysized (yes, go google that word up lol) me. He hald me in such high regards and showed me off as often as he could. what he loved in me? the fact that i had a career at 21. okay but let me add this: that wasnt the issue. I loved that i was his trophy. But i couldnt stand that that was good enough for him. He didnt encourage my dreams. I wanted to accomplish much more but he didnt desire anymore from me. Kimani didnt bother... to him, i was set for life. And to make matters worse, he was a 419er. Okay, who needs one of those in their lives? (definitely nes pas moi ). I was his trophy, and he was my mistake. okay, moving on: i mean, whatever happened to having a man who actually cares enough to say "Truth, err... i know you want to go out partying right now but did you forget that you have a paper due tomorrow?" or "Truth, have you found a research paper for your assignment because i think i might've found one for you" or even better "Truth baby, we should go on a vacation. I think you need a break from this stress..." like, whatever happened to that? I want a man who enriches me, who beautifies my tapestry of experiences. I want a man who'll rock me... i dont want yet, another waste of time. i want a man who has got enough soul to light the world up. it takes that much soul, to ignite my body.
3. Thou shalt not discriminate. Do not discriminate against races, in choosing a partner. I think i'm as ignorant as they come and i really need to stop being like this. Discrimination is the product of ignorance and ignorance dulls virtuous souls. I will not discriminate against race. Having said that, i know i cant possibly be attracted to everyone of every race. I understand that its okay to have preferences. By the way, if Mama was to see this, she would be furious but i think its already well established, i'm not going to limit myself to Nigerian men just because I'm Nigerian.
4. Honour thyself with truth for there is no happiness, love, joy or peace in deceit of self. Truth, be truthful with yourself because you cant attain love, happiness, or peace with another if you cant be truthful with you. if i cant be truthful to myself i cant expect anyone to be truthful to me. In turn, i refuse to build a relationship founded off of lies or deceit so if a man cant be absolutely truthful with me, then i need not involve myself with him. As most people already know, i place emphacy on truth. I think with truth, all things are possible...
5. Never put forth before thyself, he who puts thee after another.Do not put a man before yourself if you dont come first to him. i usually have no trouble with this. If i dont come first to a person, it only makes sense that that person shouldnt come first to me. For example, if i put a person first and he puts himself first, then where the hell would i stand in both our lives? i've decided to love after being loved. Please, dont get me wrong. It isnt the best way for everybody to be, but it is for me. I (especially in my recent cases with Chisel Coco) tend to love deeply... so deeply that i lose myself. So deeply that i give all, i mean alll..... leaving nothing for me... i literally, give all of me. And i attach, and forget me. I dont want to love like that ever again. That love, kills. That love hurts, that love blinds... i didnt see Chisel for the deceitful being that he is, till i had given all my heart to him. Do you know how hard it was for me to get it back? i'm still nursing my sores. i'll never love first. I want to be loved, wanted, yearned for... then i'll consider reciprocating that love. Its safer for me. Therefore, if a man hasnt put it all out on the table, i'm keeping all ma shit in ma purse.
6. Thou shall not accept men of unhealthy habits (or souls) which you have deemed unacceptable Do not accept men who have unhealthy habits e.g cigarrette smoking (Kimani), excessive drinking (Kimani), drugging (Kimani), ignorance (lol yeah i know, i know... i had mentioned that i'm ignorant...), apathy , pride (Chisel's hallmark character. Please do keep in mind that there is healthy pride and then there is unhealthy pride), etc Okay,if you've read "Sermon's" blog, this sort of ties in with one the points he made. A man who lives his life in unhealthy ways and i not only mean physically unhealthy like eating habits, living situation etc but also spiritually and mentally unhealthy like a man with such characters as gossiping (by the way, this is the single most irritating character a man can have.), is a prude, is combative, etc.... Like i had menationed in #2: i'm trying to enrich my life, not destroy it! a man who posesses unhealthy characters is cancerous. He'll slowly infect you, and literally metastisize and infect your soul.
7. Covet only men with post secondary education and or with careers. Only get involved with men with post postsecondary education and or careers.Okay, going to the university of Idunmota Lagos to study Political Science doesnt count IF you've been abroad for years. Why? because if you cant work with your degree, i dont believe in the degree! If you cant acheieve your dream job, then how am i to believe that you're a reasonable person? And if you've been away from Africa for so long and you havent gotten a job in that field, why in the name of apples, havent you gone back to school to get into something else that might interest you, that'll get you a good career? I like PROACTIVE men, not men that sit around and pity themselves everyday. I once met a Benin (the country) man who was an athelete back home. His dream was to maintain his career as a racer (Track), yet, this man worked at the local grocery store. How do i dream and make plans with a man who cant dream for himself? Okay, i'd like to take this chance to say IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE, if you dont like your career. So, with that said, i wouldn't want to be with a person who doesnt enjoy what he does regardless what it is that he does. Because i think for a man to have chosen a career, he should have at least researched it enough to know that it is right for him and say he had gotten into it before he realised this, then i'd prefer if he was on his way, in shcool, studying to change his career. Its part of taking charge of your life. I cant stand a man who bitches about something, yet takes NO step to change it. I mean its your life, take a friggin charge.
8. Remember, two proud bitches canst dwell in thesame heart. Do not date proud men as you are already proud enough for the two of you which is why i cant be with yet another proud person. I'm proud enough for the two of us. Besides, pride makes me emetic. I dont mind being proud (okay, fine i'll consider being a little more humble) but i cant stand it in men. I mean, i want a man i can talk to, without reservations. A man that can expect me to be myself and that wouldnt discriminate me for being me.
9. Thou artst deserving of a of adoration and shall accept nothing but. You deserve to be adored and you should accept nothing but a man who adores you. I think thats pretty well put, dont you think? I know what i deserve... i want a man i can adore but i couldnt possibly respect a man enough to do that, if he didnt adore me. I want to love, spiritually... i want to love, wholely... in every way possible. Again, without reservations. i want to feel like a princess, like a queen. like his princess, like his queen. i want to rule over his heart, and him mine. I want to be appreciated for everything that i am. I can see the beauty in almost anything. I want a man who sees the beauty in me, who gets drunk off of it, is willing to remain intoxicated with it, and praises me for it. I am that. I am that girl that does this for a man i truly love. If i am to be involved with anyone ever again, i want a man who is that, too.
10. Thou shalt love thyself regardless. Do love yourself regardless. ahh... and this is the best one of them all... i'd rather be single and happy than be hooked and be unhappy. I am so thankful to God because i know that i have been given a sacred gift. I love myself, no matter what. This is my cardinal character. It is the one reason, that Truth is Truth. It is the one thing that defines and drives me. Is it possible for another person other than God to love me as i love myself? If it is, then why should i ever be with a person who doesnt love me as much as i love myself?

Mother and Child 1

"Oh how i miss you! there is so much i have to tell you, i have had to grow without you! So joyful to see you...."
.....
but words failed her
sobs interrupted and consoles took her's
but they both understood, communicating without uttering
not one word needed spoken
she said all she had to
all in that one tear that treaked down her cheek
making a pathway for more to come
as she regressed into that girl she was,
5 years ago,
when they had parted.

Back into Mama's arms.


I have so much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday

I started off my day weird!
i woke up late around 1pm, Nat had called and she was warning me about my lateness
"If you dont start the turkey early, you know it wont be ready by the time they get there, right?"
And do you think i listened?
So i went downstairs in the basement to get the car so i can go across the street to the mall to shop for the stuff i need to stuff the turkey
i figured i'd drive even though the store is just across the street, just in case i ended up purchasing more than i anticipated. I hate dragging so much stuff home across the street. I'd rather drive.
I went to the basement to the parking lot only to find my car missing.
Chineke mo!
i tell you; all i could think of was that my car had been repo'd because i havent paid my car loan dues for last month! I was almost crying when i remembered that i had parked the car in front of my building last night.
i blew out one long breath of thanks to God in the form of Co2 as i went back into the elevator to go to the ground floor. Yes, my poor old car was there. Thank God!
So i got into the car, back up so i could get out of the parking spot and heard a funny "bang!"
Jesu!
i looked out to see i had hit the red van behind me.
My heart nearly jumped out my nose as i litterally picked up a piece of paper and wrote
"I just hit your car. Please call me at (564) 673-8564" It took me at least 30 seconds to write that-my hand was shaking so much. I didnt even think, all i could imagine was a big dent in the back of my poor car and an even bigger dent in the front of the red van.
I went to stick the note on the red van and decided to take a look at the damages-
zero, zit, nada, ofo, nothing at fucking all!
not a dent, not a scratch, nothing!
I just jejely returned to my car and CAREFULLY got out of the parking spot, to the mall.
So! i got to the mall, decided to get my wallet and realised i had left it at home. So instead of driving back and forth, i just walked back home to pick up my wallet and walked back to the mall to shop.
I shopped and got back home before realising that i had LEFT the car at the mall!
I wont kill myself, i tell you. If my head wasnt attached to my neck, i know i'd forget it somewhere. I mean, who forgets their car at the mall?!?

So that was a great start for my thanksgiving day!
Forget that the turkey wasnt cooked by the time the guests arrived at 7pm because i had only started baking it at 4:45pm
Forget that no one including myself ate the turkey slices in their dinner plates because it tasted like rubber ( as per it wasnt cooked lol)
Forget that i had to pop the half backed thing back into the oven for a second bake
It was my first time hosting my family thanksgiving dinner,
And my first time doing an almost great job of it

For most of them, it was their first time seeing my new place and they all loved it!
Reminded me why i had chosen to live here...
We danced, we ate, we laughed
I made shrimp ceaser salad which Fierce's husband litterally made "baa" noices to (like a goat) because he claimed i was making him animal food...
I made the turkey with wild rice,celery, bead and onion stuffing and honey-orange glaze
Fierce made garlic-herbed spagetti, banana bread and chocolate cake with toffee-nut topping
Mom made beancake (moimoi) and jollof rice
Ambition made shrimp fried rice

10 people in here (myself included). We had enough food to last us through Katrina


By 8pm we were mostly all so tired
The eveining ended at 10:45pm after we had danced ourselves to exhaustion

I went to sleep at 1am only to have a dream about Kimani (tufiakwa), TBS (WTF!) and some (imaginary?) boyfriend of mine. I tell you, dreams are so silly!

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank God for my life, for my family, for my friends and for my love of self.

The Livest Act

forget the cinema
grab a mike
fuck the stage
blast the "HEY!"s
hop up a few times
to claim the fame
what you sell
arent your words.
neither is it wisdom.
now some magical knowledge that you've somehow managed to stumble on...
what you sell isnt intelligence
you lack that,
but its hard to tell.
i must admit
the livest act...
is you.

Speechless

I seldom get like this...
My voice fails me... my tongue literally locks itself to the base of my jaw and i just lose all function in my voice box.
I am literally speechless.
No word, no "Ah", no "Be" no "Ce" no "De"
This opinionated chixta is suddenly not just short but out of words.
I have regressed way past ma days of "mama" or "baba"...
I cant even babble... stutering is way beyond me now...
I am literally in shock. I watch like a newborn at how things have miraculously taken amoeba-like shapes to further perplex this me... lord have mercy! If my jaw dropped any lower, I'd be scraping it up from the fiery grounds of hell.
And i cant help but watch because what can a girl do? Like Miss Frank said: "whats done cannot be undone. we can only prevent it from happening again."
And i want to undo the thoughts that made him
and "made" because he was made.
As artificial as my Coach purse, As pretencious as can be
Made into a fit that he claimed to be


I dont know what to say and even if i did, which i suspect that i do, I dont want to say it.
It feels odd being dumb but i guess i'm that numb.
Okay so Truth, babygurl lets recite our redefined values:



I'll never allow myself to lose control
I'll never allow myself to fall like that
I'll never tell myself another lie
I'll never let go of myself
I'll never let the best of me, sleep.
And if i ever dream again,
I'll never forget that the only person who deserves to be in my dreams, is Truth Betold.

my stupoid laptop

has resigned. The darn thing just up'd and quit on me, leaving me no choice but to minimize my visits to blogville. I miss it here though. Theres so much i want to talk about...

coming soon: my 10 commandments