Mama

I cry,
because your words
remind me of a love
I had never imagined.

Thank you.

It isnt my experiences
that bring me to tears
It is that through it all
You refuse to falter.

Thank you.

Must be loneliness

I'd stopped thinking about him
changed my phone number
never called him since
havent spoken to him in about 2 months
then 2 days ago,
started thinking about him again...

constantly...
oh goodness...

must be loneliness...

My feelings, at the present

"I know you're leaving, i cant make you stay. I can only let you know i'll love you anyway. But if the road you take leads to heartbreak somewhere down the line, if someone ever hurts you or treats your heart unkind, you just run to the arms of the one who loves you"
"My love is strong enough y'kno, strong enough to let you go."


"Years go by and still, words dont come easily... like sorry. But you can say baby, baby can i hold you tonight? and maybe if i told you the right words at the right time, you'd be mine."

BlecwkCh!

I'm not sure why but i'm feeling less and less like coming over to blogville these days (or shoudl i say, these months...). So much happens in my life but i feel so insecured and so unsafe to share them! Regardless of how annonymous i may have remained. I just dont enjoy it here like i used to.
Today, i got the silliest urge to close this down.
But then i thought i'd give it to the end of the month and even then, i'd just leave if i still feel thesame. I love my words... every single one of them and even more so the spaces i leave between each one.
So the thought of quitting and erasing all the emotions that i'd transformed into these words without really erasing the emotions and once again, being lost with my feelings, scares me.
I want to be able to look back and read what it felt like to be me in 2007, for example... or at the very least, what it was that i wanted people to know and in those codes, the ways i felt and please if you understand exactly what i said, say amen a few times (and if you dont, dont give yourself a headache because, i'm not so sure i'm sane anyway lol).


This space is mine.
Mine.

And it'd be mine for as long as i want it. So though it makes me feel a little "Blecwkch" coming here right now, i feel great, knowing that it'll always be here.

Peace, love and soft alfonso mangoes ppl.
(till next time)

Before September comes.

At first, i was unsure. So unsure in fact that I couldnt hide it. He couldnt touch me... i wouldnt allow it. I just didnt feel comfortable. I'd first, have to clear everything up... what do i want with him.

Eventually i decided i'd try him. I'm going to leave out the details because i know i wont finish today if i decide to narrate them all.

The first time we had sex was the day I decided to be with him.
We continued with the relationship though in my mind, i'd never really gotten comfortable with his height. And some other things he'd do bothered me. Like how he'd always have his hands on me. And how he sexed like a bunny. And how he'd be so clingy at clubs, in public... and even more importantly, how he'd been engaged to another girl previously. The fact that he was engaged doesnt bother me. Its the fact that he was engaged to someone that obviously couldnt have been a compatible wife for him. Eventually the engagement was off... He'd cheated on her, and she retaliated. And then she chose the other guy and when the guy left her, Alaire wouldnt take her back. She still calls the odd times, but i dont blame her. He is a great guy.

Great, yes. I envy his ability to remain calm under pressure... and love how he makes life look so easy. How he manages to remain true to himself in this sort of world... how he respects, oh i just love how he respects. And when he smiles, i forget that hes grown. He smiles like a child. And i am in absolute love for everything that he is about. And I'm glad hes got flaws because that'll help him remain grounded though i cant imagine him being anything but, regardless... I am simply in admiration of what he is...

But he still wants to get married. And i told him that i didnt want to.

No, i didnt lie.
But neither did i tell the truth.

Its not that i dont want to get married. But i dont want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married. I want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married, to me.

Please let me know if i've lost you in that sentence but i sure hope i havent.

He wants to get married because he feels its the right age, time period, next milestone...
I dont want to get married for the exact same reasons.

But i want him. and not just a little... I want this man.

Sometime in May, he broke it off. And i saw it coming, because i knew he was logical. And to a person like him, being with a girl whose goal is vastly different from his wouldnt make sense. And it doenst to me neither... but i want him.

He enriches my life in ways that no one ever has. Please note that i didnt say ..."in ways that no one ever can"... because i am wiling to realise that as I met this amazing guy, i can meet many more.

Yet, i want him.

And after that break-up, we relapsed a week later. The sex continued, so did everything else. I still see him about 5 days a week... and outside of work, spend most of my time with him.

Its true, i am in love with him.

But you cant have someone that isnt yours. And he may be even less mine because at the end of August, he'll be moving. We'll end up living about 10 hours away from each other. And hes made it clear that he likes me as clear as hes made it known that he does not want a long-distance relationship.

Sometimes we hear humming birds as songs... but really those birds can be so damn annoying.
This is the truest thing hes ever told me... its also the harshest.

In August, i wont have a choice. Life'll force him out of my sight, grasp within my reach and I'll have to deal with it.
I know i'll breakdown for sure. Theres just no other way around it.

So i wonder if i can possibly try now. Not possibly succeed because thats asking for a lot. But try... to let him ease out of my life now, before September comes to make the decision for me.

I dont know what to do, really. I work about 5minutes away from where he lives and live about an hour away from work so needless to say, I've gotten comfortable with staying over at his place in times when I'm working late and or coming over for my lunch breaks at work. Hes become such a big part of my life! How do I even manage to begin to undo that? And what was I thinking weaving into my life in the first place?!

I need help.
How do I get over this man before September comes?

No post in June?!

Whats going on?! I use to live, breathe, dine and dare i say... shit here!
I dont know why, i just dont feel secured as I used to... and as time goes on, i'd just rather share with me, myself and my mind..

but today is a little different. Like one of those days i dont ever want to forget? so i'll share...

Tagged...

So, Miss Kiss Chika woke me outta my slumber... i was tagged. Alright so here we go! 6 quirks:

1. I once slept for a day and a half- straight. I woke up wondering what day it was. I can sleep like a polarbear!

2. My memory and concentration is as fleeting as water is liquid. Something tells me it wont ever change... A lot of times i'd get angry at people but forget what it was they did to me, yet the anger would linger on! Its so sad

3. I'm addicted to the colour green. Its all over my place and i wanted to get a green car but unfortunately... I've got NO green thumb (i'm bad with plants). Whatever plant i get, always dies! But i got 4 plants two weeks ago because they'd go with my green decor :) ... well before they wither and die off anyway...

4. I dont call my family members unless i have to. I just dont. I dont know why. They always end up calling me. They're so used to it by now. Matter of fact, Moma called today and Ambiition called the day before... i'll return their calls when i'm ready.

5. I have a thing for small cars. I've got a current love afair with Scions and Minis... currently dating another small one too.

6. I LOVE PETS!!! (Chika this is where we're tres different). I just got back from a dog park where i went to see if i'd find a 140pound dog that i had met there the last time i was there.

I'm sorry.

Deeply i am.
For not calling, though you're terribly ill
If i had called, you would have asked how i've been doing
And in your book, theres no excuse for failing
And I, am just not so good
at lying.

He floated away

Okay so i got home, it was already dark out so it was later in the evening. I got home only to see this unknown man, laying on my couch! And he was there, with a dog that i didnt actually pay much attention to. But it was a small- breed type of Dog,... kinda like Darque...

So anyway, for some reason, i didnt fret when i saw him because although i didnt know who it was, somehow, i also knew.

He was dark skinned, tall, older, with a greying beard that constrasts with his balding head. With all this said, he was semi attractive nonetheless.

So we got to talking,and i layed on the couch with him, behind him. As we talked, i found myself liking this man. And as we talked, i found myself raising my right leg to nestle it on his... and then i caught myself! what the hell was i doing? i hardly knew this man!

I was confused. I liked him... for some reason i couldnt explain. He seemed like cream... easy like he'd taste so good to be with. So i called Kiss and told her about him. But as i narrated my tres short experience with this misterious man of mine, i realised (along with her... "we" realised) that something wasn't right. This man seemed odd. How the hell did he get into my apartment? And how the hell-ier did he manage to talk to me well enough that i lost my reasonings... i mean, wtf was going on?!
Kiss and i decided i'd pray about it.

Then i was back on the couch with the mysterious man. And he was holding me within his arms... we were laying down... things were calm as i said "In Jesus Name". He flinched. Clenched his arms around me, tightening it like he was about to lose his life. But like he didnt want me to know, he didnt protest. And he said nothing.

But by then, i had gotten my confirmation. Whatever this man was, was wrong. He was an evil, devilish entity.

And as i tried to repeat Jesus's name, i found that my organs couldnt move anymore. I was alive, thinking and breathing but my throat was paralyzed,and my tongue weighed a ton. My lips, lost all motor skills... Like it is when a person gets ALS, i was frozen in body, though my thoughts were well alive.

I realised that i was in the devil's arms. I called on the name of Jesus in my mind, continuously and slowly, my lips began to gain control. Though my voice wouldnt come, i mouthed his name "Jesus" ... and his gift "The blood of Jesus" and like i had turned to fire, he slowly released his grip on me...
he got up... i dont know if i saw him walk because now it seems to me like he floated through the room... he floated through the window and i could see him outside through my sunroom. He looked back at me.

My voice had returned as i said "I bind you in the name of Jesus" as he faded away...

Then i woke up.

This one wasnt even in the night. This was a day-mare

Simile

You dont know, but you are my love.
And i dont know when we started
but you've lived, long before i caught up with you
right out' his mouth like a flying dolphin, welmed, diving into my ears as you escaped the air
Simile.
i rememeber rolling you in my tongue, kinda like i am now... rolling you in my words
See me see you as we make love simile
you dont have any idea
how much i love that moment
when i fell madly
deeply truly got you fucked up
in this bed of my tongue
with them pearly headboards

as i melted you into my sub
consciously like a knowing smile
and made love to you
smiling, i said you

"Simile, as i owe it to you, this game we played,
lovingly gamete-ly secretly i promise you
i'll name our baby after you"