The waves 'a forming.

i am nervous
TBS and i have been having an awful good time lately
and i worry that it may be short lived
the days when i use to be happy with him are dwindling
now, i get nervous because things seem to be "too good to be true"


Last night, he slept over.
i woke up to his touch, he kissed me like he never did before
i parted my lips and just allowed him
to take over
and take over, he did.

he said "we're getting old"
i woke out of whatever level of REM i was in
was i hearing him right?

he continued "we're not as young as i thought".
i got up, went to the wash room
i suddenly had to pee

"you're so small"
i thought lmao! this man didnt even notice i gained 6 pounds?
i got on the scale,
i was wrong
122 pounds
(WTF! damn i didnt even notice!)

climbed back over him into his spot
we slept in the wrong spots last night.

"I thought i'd wait till i was 30,but ..."
i replied "i'm still young. i wanna do some things before then- travel a bit"
"ya, i'd travel but only for a few days"

i told him: "we should plan that"
"plan it?"
a mere misunderstanding
i looked up to his eyes to correct him
and finally, realised what he thought i meant
"NO!"
shit! i caught myself saying it like its some sorta taboo. i felt so bad.
i lowered my voice and carefully softened my tone as i continued; "i mean we should plan going away for the weekend!"



I have a fear of life, happening.
a fear of these things.
eventually, i'll do it.
because as much as i'd hate to be a "wife",
i'd love to be his partner for life.
so maybe what i need to do
is change my idea of that word
"wife"
and realise that regardless how "married" we are,
i'll be respected by him, loved by him, wanted by him.
i'll be respected by me, loved by me, cherished by me.
nothing changes, other than the fact that neither one of us ever lets go.
ever again.
i'll be the wife that wears the pants.
and he'll be the husband that simply assists me in putting those pants on.
i just know it.