Unconditionally

A few hundrend years ago yall two were one
sippin juice from the same sippy cup
drinkin contaminated water-like stuff from assigned fountains
now you wanna tell me it dont deserve no where but out
when you two were once one.

ten thousand four billion more active
follicles proliferating like teratogenic cells
and each lick reminds you of where its mouth had just been
wondering why you even picked it up from the pound

You would never know what this friend gives
Purchased friendship that keeps asking
everyday i feel like i owe it
for it teaches a love that i have missed for so long

A few hundrend years ago, us two were one.
Drinking contaminated juices from that same sippy cup
once upon a time you and i were dogs
that they owned for a mere bucks
A few years ago us two were these
you seem to have forgotten what they lacked was love

unconditionally across species' worlds.

runs this life so much easier
when we decide to love all that shares it with us.

BLOGVILLE Remembering 2007 Meme

The first person to comment on your blog in 2007: Ubong da
Your favourite post of yours: "Let me never know beauty, if it isnt ,me." 2."How an orphan sold me coffee" 3. "Its a girls!!!" 4. "Deaer Miss. Right"5."Antie Twuth came to life again" 6."The horny truth"
Your least favourite post of yours: "Hair Shmair"
Your favourite post of another blogger: Oh this is a tough one.
Your post that drew the most controversy:
Did you lie in any posts this year? i skewed the truth to maintain my privacy, yes.
If yes, why? to maintain my privacy.
The post that touched me the most: there are so many! and i'm sure some that i dont remember.
Three great blogs you just discovered this year: Desperate lady, Positive girl, and Ivanna If we ever met in person, i would get along with these three bloggers: Mona, and a few others i think
Thank God this is blogville so i never have to meet: oh, how i would like to make a list. But i'll be grown, and wont.
Ten great blogs i discovered this year: mona's blog, Desperate lady's, Positive girl's,
Welcome to blogville: Desperate lady, positive girl, luxsious girl, Ivanna, Mona,
I am addicted to your blog: Ivanna and Desperate lady
Wow! This year, i have had this many posts: 156!
Lastly, give these five awards to deserving bloggers: 1.Most intriging blog. Soul Seared Dreamer: 2.Most educating blog. 3. Blog-geniality: Mona 4.Hidden treasure blog 5.Most beautified space-blog: Zephi.Lulu and Afrobabe(love the shoe!) 6.Most revealing blog: i have so much respect for people who are able to have their pictures on their blogs. To me, that is the most revealing thing you can do. 7.Whatever happened to: BLISS GIRL!!! what happened to her blog! 8. Best fantasy blog 9.Best real-life blog: 10.My one favourite blog.: to be honest, mine. This blog has taken so much, yet replenished so much, in me.

Please, welcome Darque.

The shelter that i was to get Pingo from, wouldnt give him to me before Christmas.
It really made me mad because they had said that i would make a good owner for him.

Yet,
1.They decided to keep him longer in a lone crate


2. They asked for at least a "$200" donation


3. They said that they would have to accept multiple applications.

What eventually made me give up on Pingo was that i went back there to see him on the 23rd, only for them to introduce me to "Cookie"


Here is a picture of Cookie (stolen from google)





cute, isnt she?


well Cookie is 3years old. Shes got a bad case of athritis in her hind legs, and another in her left hip. It must be congenital because she is too young to have these health issues.

Anyway, they asked if i wanted her.
Now here is the funny part:

1. I could have Cookie immediately


2. I would have to sign a medical waiver (due to her health issues and because she'll need surgery soon)


3. I could have paid less than $50 for her





if this world isnt corrupted, I DONT KNOW WHAT IS!


Here i was thinking that the shelter is there to rescue dogs, not knwing that they are there to sell rescued dogs to the highest bidders.


Can anyone say "legalized crime?" or is it "immorality"?

I figured instead of paying money into such a disgusting intitution, i would just go purchase one from a breeder.


And so i did.


Here is Darque.

Darque is a pug just like Pingo. She is so cute! Hope God blesses her for me.
She is a 9.5weeks old pug.
Please, welcome her.

All i want for christmas, is Pingo....

I cant help but write this teary eyed
i want you.

I dont know why we wait to get what we want. Would someone like to tell me? I have waited long enough. I have waited too long.
Kiss helped me a few weeks ago by asking "what are you waiting for?"
Then i realised, i have been waiting for the day it'll be too late.
But i decided not to wait anymore!
what better time to get a dog than now?
I love dogs! I absolutely LOVE them! I'm scared of the bigger ones that bite but i love gentle dogs. I do, and i have decided, i'll have this one too.

I met Pingo today at the dog shelter, and i tell you, i want Pingo BAD!!!
I have been told that i have to wait 5days before i can adopt him whilst other applicants are considered. I applied today, which means i'd have him by Christmas.
Please, somebody pray for me. I want this dog on Christmas day!
Please, all i want is him for christmas! Will you please pray that i get him?!

For more info on pugs, please click the link below...
http://www.mrbreeze.com/tracy/pugforyou.shtml
Here are a few pics
http://community.livejournal.com/pug_pics/

Praising you

Okay, i got tagged by Mona, so here i am posting this. I love this too beacuse it isnt about giving to yourself or praising yourself, its about praising someone else... anyway, here we go...


Post a note about a blogger you would like to see something wonderful happen for.maybe one whose posts have touched your heart in one way or another.Include details as to why you amire them and what you wish for them. Be as supporting and affirming as you can.post your favorite memory around selflessness, giving or doing for others. Something that has actually changed you.As a postscript, name one thing you will actually do for someone in your life before December 31 that is born out of joy.tag 3 other bloggers who will play the game and find the spirit.Dont forget to leave a comment on their blogs to share the good feelings.here are my choices:


Ivanaa and Desperate Lady... In you i see myself, distorted, confused and so damn eager to get the "he". I am not at that point yet, but i know that life makes us so lord knows, i may be where you are someday. I admire you in a lot of ways because i feel like you've made yourself up career-wise... i love that. I feel like you can (due to desperation) end up with the wrong man. I dont want that for you, and so this is my wish to you two: i pray that you find self love and contentment, that you find beauty in life itself, that you find joy in just being and that God gives you what is best for you. I pray that you find the ultimate love and that God consoles you in ways that makes you feel whole.
Positive Girl... for you, i wish ultimate health and divine love. I wish you find the true meaning of life and that you find people who truly love you(i think you already have) not only because you deserve it, but also because i think that ties in with finding the true meaning of life. If ever you feel lost, angry or depressed, remember that you were not given one more moment on this earth just to waste it. Your life is even more precious now. Live it till its last drop.
My favourite memory around selflessness: i think everyone does everything for a reason so i dont believe you can be TOTALLY selfless... i mean,... even Mother Teresa, did the goods she did so she could get a positive feeling from it. But i guess relatively, that is what selflessness is. This year, a few days ago, a man did something for me that amazed me. You can find the post here: http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/12/mr-license-plate-bead-111.html . I named him "BEAD 111" as his license plate read. He stood by me at a time when i did not want to stand by myself. May God bless him and his.
One thing i will do for someone before the 31st: i will share my life. (details later).


TAG! YOU"RE IT!!!:
1. Gishungwa
2. Luxiouslucie
3. Afrobabe

Mr. license plate # "BEAD 111"

I want to write you a "thank you" not to you, since you'll never read this. But to destiny, to your life, to your future.
I want to bless you, as you have blessed me.

You didnt know me. I was just a mid-twenty year old black girl, in a car, approaching you for help.
What you didnt know is that i have been in that same spot for an hour. I dont know what the weather man said but my toes were frozen so much that they were starting to feel like open sores. They were "peperish"!
A minute before you showed up, i called for a tow truck; i would have to wait for 2-3 hours!
How would i do that? I was already frozen!

My fingers were bricks. Couldnt feel my toes. Who asked me to wear heels? Why didnt i wear better boots?

I approached you and asked you for help.
You took the time and helped me.

Mr man, it took us an hour! First you shoveled the snow so my car would have room to move tom then you asked for some boys to help us push the car, we got it pushed then you gave me a boost.

All the while someone was calling you ... your wife maybe? You must have had somewhere else to go.
Neverthelss, you took the time to help me.
You did not have to.
I was frozen... neither one of us had gloves on.
Mr haitian man with License plate # "BEAD 111"!!!
I bless you.
Have you got kids? i bless them!
In the name of the one and only God that created us, i bless your future!
All that is meant to be good, will be yours!
People like you, make me love humanity. Make me never want to complain. You are a gem, and i pray that you will meet favours in all your ways.
Amen.

Another woman's man; TBS

About a week and a half ago, TBS started texting me.
I must admit, i dont have anything for him at the moment, but i'm not sure i can ALWAYS maintain that.
This man has been my everything, for so long... its hard to just dismiss him.
SO when i tell him he must not call me, and he ignores that, i cant help but answer his calls.

But i havent hated him as much as i have in these past few days.
When i left him, i was so mad at him, that i was numb.
I was so sure of my decision that i didnt even think twice.
Didn't go through the usual questions:
How much did this hurt me? Am i sure i want to leave him? COuld this be resolved?
NO!
It was the least complicated thing i have ever done.
The moment he said it, i knew immediately that we werwe through.

But it wasnt the first time we would be through. Neither is it the 2nd,3rd,4th,5th,6th,7th,8th,9th,10th...
Keep in mind, i have known him for 7years.
But in that one moment, all those 7years, meant nothing.

Just because you have a history with someone does not mean you must keep making history with them.

It was over. The time had ran out.

I understand he misses me. But i cant help but feel like he is being selfish for calling me. If you miss someone, chances are they are missing you too. He makes it SO MUCH harder for me to move on for as long as he keeps calling me!
He knows he isn't good for me. He isn't for me. And i understand that i am not for him too. SO why call me? SO we can prolong this "freiendship/relationship" that isnt meant to be? NO! I dont want another woman's man for one more second of my life! He isnt for me, so he must go!
so since he has been calling, i have been asking him not to. Then i stopped asking him. Instead, i became offensive. See, i know what we have had, and i know that if i dont get rid of him now while dont have feelings for him, it might never happen. I have said everything i can think of to discourage him from calling.
He continues to call.

Till yesterday. He called and asked if he can see me. I declined. He asked where i was, i reminded him that he has no right to know. I toldf him i was busy and would have to call him back, he wouldn't get off the phone. I hung up.
He didnt call back,.
He hasnt call back.
I hope to God he never does because God knows i cant continue to have him in my life.
Chapter, re-closed.

Missing home

If i was to tell you how it feels, maybe you can join me. C'mon, say it with me.
I'd say i've felt it but something tells me i havent known it in its entirety.
So yes, it feels odd to be alone.
Like they say, misery loves company.
But i dont want you to be miserable.
Hopefully i am too cynical to get it
and i hope that is what it is
i hope that i am wrong
or that there is a bit of jealousy that wishes you wont get there before me
i hope this
hoping that you have found the "it"
and that that "it" is he
while I let you live it.

Now how thew fuck do i get home?! When will this storm ceaze?

You never loved me, so i left.

Where do i start?
hmm.
its a tough one.
because i know that i love you. i know it.
everything that is dark, reminds me of you.
and i would love to feel that you cared
but you didnt love me, so i left.
i deny you here,
i deny you now.

You told me i would never be anymore
just a mere rose in an atic
withering, waiting to be replaced by the next best thing
a mere trophy heating up to age by the fireplace
you said i would never be.
but i wanted so much more.
i wanted to be loved.
i wanted you to love me, like i love you.
i thought i could make you... but...
oh you dont know how much i hate you
for never giving me the fair chance to show
i knew that we could be so much but...
never once did you love me...so i left.

I met him years ago.
thought i could take from him to share with you
i'd always tell him about you
tell him you've got a heart of Gold
tell him your i love you so
and whenever he'd ask if you loved me too?
hmm!

SO!
I met him years ago
thought i could steal from him to bring to you
thought this could bring us to the place i've seen us been
our eden where our petals would bloom
but
hmm
you did not love me.
you shauned me.
threw my gift in my face
i rememeber the day
jealousy masked the you i once knew
as you told me i was still, none.
you yelled at me
to bow to you, to appologise
for standing up.
but i'm sorry. i was already tall.
Oh it hurts me, so i curse you in pain
with each pang of hate that wells in me i know
you have never cared for me
so i left.


i'm with the one who truly appreciates me.
one who tells me i can be.
this.
that.
and all that is in between.

Africa!
your culture has betrayed me
MY CULTURE! hates who i want to be.

i'm sorry to turn my back to you but
you have never loved me true.

I can stay at home and look good.
keep my legs crossed for the first 25 years of my life.
fighting the streams of urges that welled between my thighs
and even in times when your boys taunted me
and the time when one stole a piece of me
25years and its all gone
yet i must never tell,
"mum" in fear
for to be raped is to be trash
Oh i hate what you made of me!
you didnt love me, so i left.

And within those years, i must achieve a certain level of education
that still wouldn't mean a thing
for once a man flashes that ring
or maybe a few bags of beans
i am to succumb and bow to him
i would then be his queen
and even in times when he may beat me
and times when he may cheat
i am to hope that he comes home in peace
then wonder why my vagina itches uncontrollably
who am i to say "no" to him?
i am married. I am to be his.
How dare i contemplate it?
who am i but this?
"mum" in shame
for to leave is to be trash
oh i swear on your tempting sands
i hate what you have made of me
baby, you didnt love me so i left

There is a 5-year period of ignorant grace
Once i turn 30, all hope is lost
no man would ever want
a woman that has been divorced.
Never mind that she didnt choose to be barren
who giveths babies?
is it not the who they call "HE"?
who says you must be a bearer of kids?
must my womb carry his seeds?
But you are Africa
where a woman's clock ticks
ticks-faster than her brain can think
tocks-harder than his switch hits
and much sooner than little kids get pricked.
i tell you once again.

I DENY YOU!

for you have denied me.
i am not one of yours.
i have picked the one that loves me.
and no one should blame me.
i simply went to the highest bidder... that one that is willing to let me live at ease.

Afri,
lose my number.
please do not call me.
i am now free.
You never loved me.
So i left.

MY Dada's Daughter

In light of everything that is going on,
Ambition and I decided to take dada to one of his diagnostic doctor's appointments.
This time, it was a colonoscopy. He was to have nothing to eat, only drinking, prior to the appointment.
He obliged, but when one of his silly friends told him that eating potatoes wouldnt affect the procedure because potatoes clear out of your bowels really quickly, he listened and had some.
He didnt tell us this, or i would have told him not to.
so needless to say, they couldnt proceed with the procedure so we had to reschedule for the next day.
I dropped dad off and Ambition and I went to her school where she was to have her last presentation at the school.
I'm so proud of her. She did so well and even won a price. I went out later to meet with another friend who went with me to go adopt a dog. We didnt find one though... not one that is suitable enough.
She is who she is, hence the name Ambition.
Anyway, so the next day, i went to the hospital with dada to repeat the colonoscopy and it was successful this time.
Then went over to his house after.
Brought back memories.
I broke my promise, but with no regrets.

...10years ago, i promised never to return to his place.
10 years later, i swallowed my promise.
10 years later, he's learnt to repsect me.
1 year ago i promised not to let him back in
1year later, i am speaking to him.
its great that we can take breaks... and then return back to where we left off, or simply skip the hurdles, bridge to the better days.

he gave me so much food to pack with me
2 different types of spinach, garri, maggi cubes, apples, pepper, egusi, and cooked ogbono (did i tell you hes a greta cook?!). We went groery shopping... i picked up some ox-tail, fillet cod fish, stew chicken, stew pork etc... which he paid for. its funny watching him pay for my grocery. He had not paid for anything for me for years... i must have been about 15 the last time. Not only that, i have refused gifts from him for a year. Our last fight was about money and the way he spoke to me.
I am his daughter.
He is my father.
i will respect him and tolerate his presence in my life, only for as long as he repects me while he is in it.
plain and simple.

So on our way to his house after doiung grocery, i got yet another reminder...
i am my dada's daughter.

I was trying to make a left turn to get out of a parking lot. When a navy coloured PT cruiser backed into my car. i stopped my car, got out, so did Dada. Looked up, out came a middle-aged black woman from the passenger side, and a black teenage-early twenties boy out of the driver's side.
"Hi" i said to the woman as i walked around to assess the damage.
i dont even know if she responded. I saw my light, the back fog one had been knowkced out, dangling by its wies. I fixed it back in. My back left tire's hubcap is a little loose. I kicked it abck in. I turned around ...
"Well, no damages"
"I'm so sorry!" said the woman
"Oh thats okay, nothing was damaged." i looked at the boy. He wore my brother's expression on his face. Just another black boy. I looked at the woman. I couldnt help but to see my mother.
"Thats okay... we're sisters"
"Oh thank you so much!"
i gave her a hug
"soo sorry, and thank you so much"
"no problem. have a nice day"
and we got back in the car.
i was back in the car before i realised.. i am my dada's daughter.
His blood flows through my veins, his characters echo in my actions...
Reminds me of years ago back home
Same shit had happened.
But he never had the heart then to sue the man who knocked into him
and i didnt have a heart then to act against the black boy who knocked into my car.

anything but this

Something solemn, yet strong... one'a those poems i can look back on. Them poems that makes me reminice the days i use to rule words, you know?
but i cant seem to get inspired enough. and i cant seem to think of anyother thing.
than the one that i miss.
and i have told myself that i couldnt
must i miss the love we'd make.
and i dont want to talk about this
and i dont want to write about it
so i wont

Diary to self

Diary to self: i called MAry a few days ago. And maybe now,i can finally confront my feelings in writing about this one soul that i met years ago... Mary.

Eye of the storm

So Kiss and I decided to take a trip to St. Luciendo a spanish-speaking city west of here. We got caught in the storm. I've never came so close to dying so often in so little time thatn i have in these past 3days. TBC

Flicks to rain

Squeeeeze me! Hold me tighter, lets see if we can ever become...
...1...
Because if it is ever possible
this would be the moment
paparazzi bout to miss it
but record's to be broken
we are about to be


.....1.....

Lick me flick your tongue faster than flappers tail
flick me rhythmically fastly so much
it only feels like a magnetic
...touch...
hold ma clit to its threats and shake it
flick me like your tongues running a marathon
up down and around dont you ever stop
do it like i've always dreamt...
.....of....

But i want to come and you want me to
but i want you to come with me too
i look down and all i see is your head doin me
bowed down to bless ma clit you are testing me
but i cant wait if you keep flipping me
and i cant wait for you to move away
yet i dont want to wet your face
but you keep goin like you asking for it
i can always say i'm sorry,
later,
a-f-t-e-r- i have rained
all-
over-
your-
f-f-f-f-f-f-fffffffffaceeeeee.

DAMMIT! I WET DE DAMN BED AGIN!!!

now how we gon get rid'a dis damn pussyjuicestain?
oh shit! sorry i wet your face... quit laughing, its not funny!
okay, come here...i'll wipe that smile off your face in a minute...

You are remembered.

In the arms of an angel
Far away from here
In the arms of an angel
May you find
some comforting.

Yesterday

i almost missed you.
almost enough to pick up my phone.
almost wanted to hear you.
but i swear i heard you.
deep in my mind, so lightly you said
"i wanted to call you too."
and a ray of doubt made me imagine hearing you ask me
"what do you want?"

but i wasnt about to find out.
i almost called you.
i almost missed you.
almost wanted to see you.
but almost doesnt count.

no chance for a relapse.
its over.
been over.
and i'm glad.

In their shoes

how fucked up is it? that the one that dont want me, is the one i want?
lol
yeah, laugh with me cause this is a trip! i swear i'm nuts!
yeah, the bitch that seemed to open ma shit up, and fucked me up till the pain got worse than death its damn self, is the same man i want...
but i'd be lying to maself
if i was to say that i want him for me.

no,
truth is,
i want him, for my pride.
i want him, to prove to me that i can have him.

and how fucked up is that?
and here i was thinking i knew what i had in me.
that i knew that i can have him.
no i dont want him.
i wanted him, so i could leave him.
so he could feel...
no,
so he could "almost feel"
what it was like
to hurt.

yeah, i guess its true.
i want him, to hurt him.

But have i not been a predator?
to Mike, John, to Yves, Solomon, to Paul, Peter
to Ayo, Ben, to Tyrone, and the man with dreads...
to many nameless ones
have they never wished me pain?
have i never broken some hearts?

so why would i wish him pain?

i got what i was meant to have.
i got an experience.
a chance to be in their shoes.

A cry i cant seem to hear

North east of ma 'censtor's land
rhyming to the beats of a world gone wrong
weeps a cry i cant seem to hear
and i hope to someday spell help
to someday spread aid
in ways never before done
weeps a cry that i cant seem to bear
but i am one, you are two
three,
four,
five...
thousands of billions of us that have eloped
and we never look back
long enough to quit blogging
long enough past the news flashes
long enough to get out there
long enough to get this tear shed
long enough!
to mourn the dead and lost
in Darfur.

And to think that could'a been ma motha
she coulda been your "nana"
and he could'a been the brotha i never had
and they! THey! THEM down there laying dead in them pits!
one'a dem
yeah, might've been the one with four resected digits
the one with one shot to the knee- bled till the eve of the day
the one that lost hope; died under the ghastly bodies
or the one that had a few short flashes of a 8year worth lifetime
the child that never saw it coming...
... till he woke up at the gates...
and maybe there will he get some rest!!!
but it is so damn troubling!
because that child, that there laying lifeless all dismembered in that desert!!!
that one nameless "DOE" of the multitude
that could be me
i could'a been that
and they, they coulda been me
somewhere south Europe, northeast of Tunisia
could'a been the ones blogging
sending an e-nudge to herself disguised as a call to you
to get help to get up to get hopeful enough to get going
or at least, to feel sorry enough
to mourn the dead and lost
to mourn the lives that are yet to die
and the ones that may survive
in Darfur

Lost (continued)

and only 50minutes later, the circle has been completed.
And i hate to say i told you so
so i wont.
but i will ask
"So, babe...Is this it? Or will you need to make yet, another round?"

Today,

i managed to break a promise i'd made to myself.
i managed to miss a test.
5% gone down the drain.

what else did i do today?
oh!
I'm crossing Mr. Etienne out.
I cant be with him.
It isnt fair to keep him around.
So i wont.

I dont think he understands, i told him he needs someone that likes him better, but he didnt seem to understand. Blinded by infatuation and (dare i say?) desperation, this man refuses to see himself as the king he is. He refuses to be reminded that he deserves unwaivering love...
a type i cant give him.
But just because he is blind, doesnt mean i have to lead him to the river to drown. I will let him go. as hard as it is for me, i will.

And on to other businesses,...

Lost

Cried. Not. For. You. But. For. The. Journey. You. Go. Through.
Cried.
Not because i wanted to but because i had no clue what else to do.
Cried.
For the taste of shame that i get in my mind-buds when i think of the way you must feel.
CRYing.
In anticipation of the regrets that is to come.

And i cant do anything! I must be a saviour, cause it hurts not to fufil me.
But i know not to move an inch, to speak a word, mums the word.
As i drive you over to the pain that mauls you, i felt i was driving you through a journey you must go through.

And if you were to wake in the paths of it, and decide to skip the beat...
or if you were to opt to complete it... finish to the bottom'd pit
And if you were to never wake, never see, never breathe the life that i wish for you

My dream for you, is mine. Though you are its major character... it remains, mine.
You dream as you please, you live as you please.
Who am I to dream, for you?

And though i hate to admit it,
theres a human part of me, that wants to believe that this is different. That wants to mimic your faith, hold on to it and endure...
But that part of me, is you.
And you, have been fucked way too many times.
So maybe, just maybe that part of me,
should know better.

Hey, but we wont know!
Till we've known.

One Impossible Kiss

This must be the most impossible kiss
the one that halts before its conceived,
hard to breathe a thing that doesnt live.

If it isnt there, however will i find it?

And there we roll, hoping to pass the night
Hoping to get a touch, maybe cop a feel
feel a tinge of some of that old familiar ting

Must what isnt felt, be forced?

But in those eyes, lies the greatest yearns
Looking in it begging to beheld
And dont we all deserve some love?

Though pity isnt same as it.

So lost, in its confusions.
If i cant have what i want,
do i learn to love what i have?

But woe betides the "have"
the day "want" arrives.
For what i want, will always be cherished.
thinking,
remembering...
i once wanted, till i lost the veil.
Though the pain refused to shed with it.
And apparently, neither did the bad habit.

But hey! a kiss is only a kiss is a kiss is a kiss!
why is it so hard, to give a damn kiss?!

Need a roomie, anyone?

I got an eviction letter three days ago.
Sad thing is that i've had the money on m account all month,
but hey! it dosent matter if i had the money. They didnt get their money, thats all that matters... and now, they want me to gerrout...
so, blogville please help ohhhh!!!
who is up for taking me in?

Date with Mistah Etienne

So that day after work, i went over into town as planned, to meet Etienne.
To say that i was nervous is to say the least.
I was late.
no, i take that back.
I was MEGA late.
I was to be there at 2pm, but didnt leave home till 2:45pm and didnt get there till 4pm!
The plan was that i would pick him up from school since he'd mentioned that he doesnt drive to scjool anyway.
So i figured, i'd pick him up.
But good thing was that day he said he was running late for school so he couldnt take the public transportation system, he opted to drive. That helped.
AT 3:30pm, i was at the area where we were to meet, but my nerves wouldnt let me move any further. I stopped by the closest plaza and bought a lipgloss, got into the car and fixed my make-up.
i'd be damned if i went on a first date looking bare, God forbid bad thing.
lol joke is, give me three months in a relationship with this guy and i probably would've stopped wearing make-up to see him. lol

Okay, 3:55pm... so decided to go ahead, and meet my fate.
Drove down, all the while on the phone with him...
i got there, looked around...
"okay so make a left on Bruha street"
"okay, then..." i replied. He didnt know i was already there, i stayed in the car, looking around frantically, searching for him... he was there, in the second car nect to me. In a van, he didnt see me.
"and then make a left into the first plaza"
"but i'm already here."
"You are? where?"
"I'm coming out"
and so did he.
We met.

"So you're Truth!"
"I sure am, mister!"
we huged.

Inside, we had a nice ordered.
"I think i'll have the fresh-fish pepper soup..."
"me too!"
"yeah, with some malt"
"yeah me too"
"with maybe pounded yam and ogbono soup?"
"ogbonnno? whats that? yeah, i'll have that too!"
i laughed. He'd like whatever i'd like... yeah okay...
I asked "Etienne, do you feel like you must have something because i'm having it?"
he laughed "no, i just feel like i should have it because if you picked it, it must be good" he continued "besides, i dont know these meals like you do"
"true. okay, do you like spinach sauces or do you prefer drawy sauces"
"spinach."
"then you should try the melon and spinach soup"
"oh, okay i'll try that."
and we ordered.

While we waited, i got the chance to look at Etienne.
His tone, his color, is like mine. But i've got a reddish tone to my black. His is pure darkness, more matte than i am. His teeth look white, straight... unlike my crooked ones. He's got a mole on his cheek... his eyes! oh , his eyes deserve a post on their own. My ex TBS, had sleepy eyes... Etienne, has tired eyes. I actually asked him if he was tired, and he said "no, thats just how my eyes look". Puffy, swollen, almost closed eyes.
His lips, are interesting. I dont think i have ever seen anyone with more bland lips. They dont make any statement. Not small, not big, not thin, not thick, not anything... they just sit there... nothing. He has got a black-man's-nose syndrome; wide, flat, and big. His head reminds me of the letter A. Cone-shaped.
With all this said, i think he looked better in person, than he does in his pics.
Through the whole dinner, mister man looked through me. He was dead shy. I wasnt.
We had a nice meal, ate and talked... we realised we were actually at a few parties together this summer, just didnt meet.
I paid for the meal, he protested but i had my pride to protect, so i insisted. We made a deal that he'd pay for the next one. For some reason, i always pay for my first dates. A man that insists on paying is only wating his time. I pay! its just what i do.
We had a nice time, and eventually said adios, and went home.
On my way home, i forgot to give him a CD i had promised him so we met up again and i left it from him.
Thanks ato my poor driving directions, i got lost, and he assisted me to get back onto the freeway.
Then i went to meet with Kiss, and we went out.


Overall, i dont think i felt particularly physically attracted to Etienne. It is such a struggle letting go of the man i pictued him to be and the man I had dinner with. When you talk with someone on the phone before you get to meet them, you get an idea, formulated with your perception of thier voice... he is different than i heard.
I have since met him two more times. Once, he came over and we made cheesecake together at 2am, and one more time along with Kiss when we went out to dinner. I needed a second opinion so i had asked Kiss to come along.

The Cheesecake Bakingdate
He came over, and we made the cake. He made it as i gave him the instructions. It was nice, we got to talk. And because i'm perverted, i made a lot of sexual innuendos which he found to be funny...
We ate cup- cheesecakes, and watched Nigerian movies that he'd brought over. I was too shy to say "Lets go to bed" but i managed to grab a blanket from the linen closet, and we managed to sleep in the couch. I dont think he slept, and i did only intermittently. I was boiling. For some reason, my home felt hotter than usual. I was literally sweating. It got to a point that he actually asked me if i was okay.
We went around the house, tuened all the heaters off and opened the windows.
It was a rough night,... sleeping in a couch with a man that i wasnt comfortable with, was hard.
And this was our second meeting, but we didnt kiss.

Three to Tango
Last time i saw Etienne was at our date with Kiss. On our way down tot he restaurant, i called him to ask how far away he was, and he didnt answer his phone. This told me that he hadnt left home yet and like i guessed, he hadnt. I had gotten to learn that Etienne is HORRIBLE with timing. Like myself, hes late with EVERYTHING! If anyone out there is late like I am, i'm sure you know what its like to ignore calls when you are late. I do it all the time, so when he called me and said he was not going to be able to make it, that he hadnt left home yet and that the reason he didnt pick up my calls was because he didnt hear the phone ring, i felt that it was silly that he thought he had to lie to me.
"Etienne, i'm always late so i know that when you didnt answer your phone, it was because you were late"
"Yeah, i'm sorry. I just didnt know what to tell you."
Somehow, i just prefer honesty.
"Well Etienne, i can excuse you not showing up or fro being late for a dinner date with just the two of us because i too, am never on time. But Kiss is a friend of mine that i had made clear to you that i respect. So excuse me if i say that i find it ridiculous that you are not only telling me that you wont be there for the dinner, but you are also cancelling."
"You know what? you are so right" he continues. "I'm sorry. okay, um... is it okay if i still come? I'll be there in 40minutes, if thats okay by you two?"
"i dont know"
"kay, i'll see you then. thank you"


Kiss and I had some tea and hot-and-sour soup as we waited.
and then he arrived.
Kiss confirmed a lot of my concerns, and dismissed some.
I didnt kiss him that night, he kissed me on the cheek and i tell you, that was nerve wrecking for me.
Why this man makes me so nervous is beyond me.
But whatever the case may be, i am willing to find out.
and we are yet to kiss.

ok, i'm hitting the sack. nitey nite everyone!

There must be someone up there yonder...

Having a good laugh at this joke.
So i get an apple, with no teeth to bite with
the moment that apple rots, i toss it in the garbage,
alas! my teeth start to grow!

life is a big ol joke.

Introducing... Etienne

I met him online
I'd like to keep the website secret so, i will.
I like him, i do. why?

Etienne is from Congo. In his 28years, he has lived in France, Brazil, and now, here.
4th year of univ, Etienne will be a Statistian (um, is that a word?)

But what i enjoy the most about Etienne, is that he is a gentleman.
He is a thinker, a gentle soul.
Analytical.
Very family oriented.
He stands as an individual. Does not expect me to slave off in a kitchen (at least thats what he says) otherwise i wouldn't even be talking to him. He doesn't cook much. But is looking forward to learning. He'd love to learn to cook.
So tomorrow, we'll be going out to eat African meals.
and i'll be meeting him for the first time.
And i hope there'll be as much physical attraction.
Someone keep their fingers crossed for me.

Waking up

I have this one dream
that i still dream
and to live it
would be the greatest joy of me

Had a stir
a shrug
a shift

and now it is
that i live that dream.

Answer Pleasee....

At her brother's funeral, a girl sees a mysterious looking man.
Tall, dark, beautifully shaped.
She stared at him all through the event, discretely though. No one was to know her thoughts.
It was her brothers funeral, afterall. She was to be mourning and saying goodbye.
Instead, she found herself loving a stranger, and yearnig to say "Hello".

As the funeral ended, she lost track of him.
The people at the site had crowded her to express their sympathies...
Secretly, she wished they hadn't.

The man was gone.
She was upset.
Her crush was lost.

Two days later, her sister died.
It was a murder.
Someone had killed her.

1.Who do you think killed her sister?
2.Why?

How to escape a speeding ticket on halloween night.

So it was a gracious night. Halloween night!
And there i was, dressed as a BellyDancer. Kiss and I decided to go out. We went to this club called Sign243 and were supposed to meet China and 2 other friends there but we got there so late, that we couldnt get in.
So we went to this other club where White men, and Naija Yahooze boys tend to frequent. We go there for the former, by the way. We usually ignore the latter.
Anyway, that wasnt bad,... then we left there.
I was driving, and since i have a bad case of ADD, i wasnt suprised to note myself turning left at a red light! See the funny thing is, before i started to make the turn, i wasnt aware of what i was about to do but the moment i started to make the turn i realised it but, it was too late! I mean, i wasnt about to just stop in the middle of traffic so i can get hit! I had to finish that turn, so i did.
"Emm... oh sheeet! i'm making a left turn at a red light!"
Kiss: "oh,... err..."
"Oh darn"
I hadnt even finished my "darn" when i heard the sirens behind me.
Okay, heres the thing! There are numerous times when i've violated traffic laws just because i felt like it, just because i was lazy, just for the high, WHATEVARRRRRR! WHY did it have to be the one time that i REALLY didnt mean to do it, that i'd get caught?!???

Well, i'm not a runner and i wasnt about to start that night so i pulled over and assessed my fate.
Kiss: "Jesu! Opari oh! wetinb we go do?"
"hmm, " i couldnt say anything. I just prayed they dont smell the alcohol i'd drank on my breath, or sensed that i had numerous OVERDUEEE unpaid tickets or sensed that my lights dont work.
Kiss: "Truth, lets beg them"
"Beg gini? you think this is Nigeria?"

So, they arrived. One on my side, one on Kiss's side. Almost seems so darn rehearsed.

"Hi Officers!" Teeth a'gleaming.
Officer#1: "Hi, you just ran a red light there."
"Yeah i know, i dont know what i was thinkging, i didnt know till i'd done it"
Officer#1: "I dont know what you were thinking, i mean... who runs red lights with cops right behind them?"
Kiss starts her flirting with Officer#2 "We're so sorry. we're students and we never disobey the laws. That was a mistake. " she added, with her "sweet sexy girl" voice impersonation. She was almost deathly annoying. I thought, here i was trying to be professional and nice so i'd get the least penalty i could, and there she was, flirting with the officer!
Officer#2 "Students? i see"
Officer#1 "where are you guys coming from?"
"From a halloween party!"
"YEah? what club?"
"Sign243"
"May i see your driver's licence?"
I gave it to him.
He left with it, while Kiss seized yet another oppourtunity to flirt with the second officer.
"So, officer, do you like what we have on?"oh geez! i couldnt believe it.i was starting to enjoy her flirting with him but i wondered if it'd be irritating to them. I mean, i'm sure they get TONS of females who try this with them everynight! "My friend is dressed as a belly dancer"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" she turns to me "Truth, go ahead, show the gentleman your costume..."
"KISS, are you out of your..."
Officer #2 "sure, let me see it"
i thought, chei! i don suffer! this modeling i'm about to do better pay off...
i took my coat off, got out of the car and strutted ma stuff lol. I got so shy when i got out of the car. There wasnt only one police car but another police van/SUV (hell, i didnt even know those existed!) out there.
I heared some howling, but i was too shy to stand up to them. i got back in the car.
Officer#2 "Thats hot!"
I responded "Wel, if you think thats hot, you should see my friend's dress. Shes banging"
See, Truth betold, Kiss has a hot body. And the dress she had on that night, accentuated her assets. She didnt even let me finish. She prang to the oppourtunity to show herself off. She took her coat off and got out of the car. Turned and swirled...
They loved her. It was cute. lol. Big grown cops salivating over what they couldnt have experienced if were not for their uniforms.
Officer #1 returned to the car.
"Okay, i see you dont have your insurance card"
I didnt get it. I wanted to argue that i DO have my insurance card "No, but officer, i ..."
"No you dont!" he cut me short "and since you dont have you insurance card, i'm going to have to give you a $60ticket for that instead of the $200 (and 4 demerit points!!!) ticket that you should have gotten for running a red light"
I gleamed. My happiness was unmeasurable. $200? Where forth would i have acquired such sum? lmao!
"and since you two are dressed so nice, i'll just give you a warning"
lmao! i wanted to die.
They wished us goodnight, bid us farewell, and left.

Unbelievable.
Surely theres a heaven on earth.
We experience it once in a while.
Like a little treat.
We had a taste of pardoned-heaven that night.
and no... i still havent paid the numerous overdue tickets i have (which i know the cop must have seen on his monitor that night when he checked my licence) and neither have i fixed my lights.

learn to be a friend

I have to learn to be a friend.
No, i dont mean it that way.
i mean, i actually really have to learn how to be a friend.
how to be;
selfless!!!

Damn, of all the characters in the world to get stuck with,
WHY MUST I BE THE TYPE TO BE STUCK WITH A SELFISH PERSONALITY?!?

oh, and i think i have to learn to drop my pride.
i have to learn to hug more,
and to shut up when people are down.
***worst time to give advises is when its too late***
and i have to learn to learn.

REMINDER TO SELF:
1.you are not better than people. Everryone has their welanesses and strengths so why must you point their weakenesses out? Are you any better?
2. cant blame anyone for anything. you do not know their expereinces, you do not know what it is like to be them.
3.walking in someone's shoes is a theory. it is practically impossible. learn to be as empathetic as possible.
4. appologise (fuk! it aint dat hard!)
5.love. and let them know.

Yet.

Aint this som' oddshit?!
you aint even here, yet i feel you
your hold when it glides on my right hand
your palm on my hand!
aint this some screwshit!
am i goin crazy?
must be sum different level of insanity
you dream up till it comes up.

i feel the tingle beaneath me
better than i'd feel when he'd touch me
hell i cant even top this
my toys do nothing like you do
and this here is the master of her clit
but YOU!
you ... Mr. Who?
you gimmeee...
these feelings, and you aint even here!

and if this is what you do to me
with your absence
with your face bare, and your features; air
i dont know what i see but i see you
when you console me and you take me there
i dont see no face
but your skin makes me wanna go to bed
i cant tell who you are yet
aint this some fukry!

you aint even here,
and i am so in love!
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you seem to care
no voice attached, neva' heard you speak
you come, you stay, you love and you go
so fuckin in love
so sweetly in love
the way you give respect
no touch ever wrong, neva' had to lead you there
..........................................
and you aint even here.
and we aint neva' met
you aint never been anywhere
but ma head
and i wish you'd come with me
when i'd cross over to reality
but real seems to melt you away
you seem to live so darn perfectly
in that beautified space
...ma realest dreams.
yet.

Aint I A Woman? - Sojourner Truth (1797-1883)

"Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the Negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about? That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman? Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? (member of audience whispers, "intellect") That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full? Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him. If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them. Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

Names of you

Melody: for your mother's love of music.
Harmony: nothing is more fufilling than to be in harmony with your body, mind and soul
Soleil: means "sun" in French. You'd be the center of my world. You'd make me love the light.
Trinity: to remind me of what matters most in the world. The father(or mother?), spirit, son (or daughter?)
Song: the beutifullest things in this world ars songs and...
Meusiq: not thesame as song. Music isnt necessarilly lyrics harmonized with rythm. Music can be a chain of events, harmonized with rythm. You'd be part of the lyrics of my life.
Miraquel: for me to have a child; to feel loved by it and to give all my love to it without holding back. to teach a child my precious gifts... to err its life of the errs of mine, would be a miracle
Seoul: the only thing i'll bring with me when i'm gone. I'd bring you with me.
Watar: Cant live without it. I want you to be priceless to this world. To infect it with the need for you. Make it want to hold you, forever
Darque: The best things, the deepest secrets, and the realest things live in the dark.
Fayar: You ignite with the littlest inspirations. You'll burn with the boldest love. You'd burn thorough hearts that hate and find your niche in gentle hearts.
Truth: Oh wow! your heart lives in your heart, your heart on your tongue. You will act as you believe is true. And will be critical of whatever society demands of you, truthfully.
Gift: you'd be my gift to the world. And you'd be the world's greatest gift.
Love: Need i expatiate? you'd give love. And you'd remind the world of the most important aspect of love.
Wintermorn:Ever looked out your door on a winter morning? Pure, undisturbed, white. Perfect.
Red: Red is the only colour that is capable of making me feel juvenile, strong, bold and loving at thesame time. You'd be forever young, ever strong, the boldest being and the epitome of love.
Earth: To commemorate my love for the mother of it all. You'd be as natural as can be. You'd be giving and you'd florish. Everyone who knows you will feed of off you and you will never lack.
Reign: May reign rain! You will hover over the world and reign (rain) in it.
Summer rae: One of my client's granddaughter's names. Summer-rae reminds me of the rainbow. You'll bring shine, a supernatural light to this world. You'll be my everlasting promise from God.
Dream: Here i am dreaming you. By then, i would have dreamt you here. You'd stay asleep from birth to death. I want you to see the beautifullest things, and i would not want you to stop dreaming.

Hate, Regrets, Anger, all of a fucken sudden!

I spoke with Ambition a few minutes ago.
shes been calling me, trying to get a hold of me.
Maybe if i'd be checking my voicemails i would've heard the news.
But i never do, so i didnt.

Its true i cant stand Dada.
He was my best friend for my first 10 years.
And then life happened and the wools were pulled so that i could see the light.
I no longer was a fool.
I saw Dada, for Dada.
and what i learnt of Dada and what i have continued to learn since then, had made me decide that he deserved no respectful spot in my life.

But how little this seems to matter,
once you realise you could lose someone, for life.

Dada, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. no word of what stage it is, yet.

the thought of losing the one person who is responsible for my cardinal characters, my cardinal beauties... makes me sad.
at 62, i cant imagine what life would be like, if i didnt share it with him.

and even at this moment, it is so hard to pick up the phone to call.
to love him wholeheartedly, would be to forgive him.
and forgiveness, that i wasnt prepared to do.
and now i feel like i have to.
all of a sudden
the most health-centric Afro man i know
all of sudden
the only man that seems to fuck me up so damn well
all of a sudden
the one voice that use to move mountains and clouds all at a whisper
all of a sudden
all of a fucken sudden
all of a mother fucken sudden!

HIV Bug Chasers

I couldnt believe this when i read it but i guess its true.
I was doing my usual blogville wandering when i stumbled on Gaybanker's ( http://gaybanker.blogspot.com ) blog and and Soul Dreamer's ( http://waitin4life.blogspot.com ) blog and they both had a mention of this issue.
Supposedly theres a documentary in the UK about this.

Okay so i understand that some people like gifts.
Matter of fact, i believe hwe all do!
And i've heard of the desire to receive a gift such as cars, money, boxes of chocolates, candles, dildos (okay okay, that one na just me lol)
but hear this:

There are some people who would want to be given the (brace yoursleves ma people!) gift (hope you have enough stomach for this one) of HIV.
no, you no read am wrong, na wetin i type. HIV as in AIDS' virus.

The documentary explored the likes of people who want to have HIV because they figured that once they do, they dont ever have to worry about getting it again (emm... wouldnt that be because you already have it?).

i tell you, not every one who goes around with a head on their neck and an ear on each side of it, really owns a working brain. If these people arent mentally ill, then neither are schizophrenics.

so supposedly... a 19year old boy got a gang of HIV men to fuck him, cum into him and then plug his butt with a buttplug (ohhh how i love those!) so that all the semen could be absorbed (yeah, we wouldnt want to lose any drop of that HIV-infected semen, now would we?).

Not only is this sick, its also sick. I'm waiting for someone to give this illness an official name cause they really must be sick.
And if you dont think this is sick, then you really need to reread it, and go check yourself in at the local mental health center because you really are a danger to yourself and the whole of the human race.

Please thank God for your sanity if you find this sick!

The Unwarranted liar

I was chatting with Kiss today when Shamaine's name came up.
Oh, Shamaine! how do i forget thee!

I met her in 10th grade.
I'd always see her in the hallways as i passed and i knew she'd always check me.
not the "oh, girl i'd fuck you in a minute" type check but the "whoa! why she waltzing like a diva?" type check.

see... when i walk, i stride. i glide. my walk... i can go on and on about my walk but there are only 24hours in a day, so...

but then Shamaine and I started talking (dont remember how exactly)
she was one grade less than i was, yet we had one class together.
Shamaine was a bright student, so i wasnt suprised.

Shamaine!
5'6 tall, about 150pounds, dark skinned, never weave, hair permed, usually pulled back in pony tail, big puffy cheeks, little eyes, big nice lips... Shamaine!

i knew Shamaine was cheap. it didnt take me long to realise. From the tip of her hair to the sole of her feet, Shamaine never dedicated much money into herself.
...or anything else, for that matter. But she'd always boast about how much she spent on her outfits and how hot she looked.
If you ask me, she looked like a village girl (but no one is asking me so i wont go intomuch details about that)
i never really judged her for that. I figured, if she wanted to save her money, thats her business and its actually a good quality.

Shamaine was a good friend. We'd hang out in our group with a few other friends and have a great time each lunch break. We'd always walk home together...
but something was fishy about Shamaine.
her words, just never added up.
Shamaine would come out of the blue to say something like "This guy in my class likes me so much" and for some reason, it wouldnt ring true...
Everytime Shamaine would lie, i'd be able to tell and i dont know why, BUT i just could. Its like i had a SHamine Lie-dar or something!
But i started to doubt myself when it started to sound to me like I suspected she was lying everytime she spoke!
I thought; "no, maybe its just me. she couldnt lie so much." and pushed the thought out of my head.
I decided to start believing Shamaine. I started to trust her words.

Then, Christmas of '99...
Shamaine invited me to her church and i agreed to go. On our way down, she had a package with her. She said the package was a christmas gift and asked if i'd take a look the gift inside it and give her a feedback. I did. It was a white ceramic-like trinket box with silver trims. I didnt like it. maybe because i dont like trinkets. If you ask me, they're like the most useless things in the world and i had already had about 4 different ones. But i knew it was Shamaine's sort of thing. Something about it screamed "Shamaine!" so i told her it was cute (it really was)... but that was all i said.
Then she immediately said

"oh! okay, i'll get you one for Christmas then, since you like it! I bought it for $25.00"

Please, note that i never did say that i liked it, neither did i ask her how much it was. I asked her where she got it and she said "Oh, I got it from Aluwhalia Mall!"
I didnt even think that Shamaine had ever been in that mall since you'd actually have to want to spend money to go to Aluwhalia Mall. Its the more expensive mall.
Shamaine's attitude seemed odd to me because she isnt the type to give gifts (because gifts costs money), she isnt the type to shop at Aluwhalia mall (too expensive) AND she isnt the type to buy ANYTHING for $25.00!
I knew something was definitely up. I mean; WAYYYYY UP!

So you can imagine how upset i was, when i went with my mom to the local plaza with my mom the week after. I walked past the dollar store and guess what i saw in abundance! yes, you guessed right... WHITE CERAMIC-LIKE TRINKET BOXES WITH WHITE TRIMS! They were thesame make, thesame colour, thesame everything!

So when Christmas came, Shamaine, gave me my gift.
I wanted to tell her how i felt... but i was waiting to really suprise her.
Instead, i told her i'd give her her gift in class after the holidays.
She didnt fail to tell me numerous times that she wanted a (specific) pair of shoes for christmas.
She wanted the shoes, i got the trinket box at Yangrilla Plaza. Hmm!

During the holiday break, i was so upset. I considered my friendship with Shamaine, evaluated it, and thought about all the times I'd felt like she'd lied to me.
I was angry!

On the first day of school, in class...i told Shamaine to come and see me, and she did.
she sat behind me in class and i gave her the gift.
i didnt say anything, i had the gift wrapped, placed it on her desk and watched her watch it, wondering what it could be.

Then i turned aroung and looked at her.
I was disappointed. I was angry. I felt deceieved, for no reason.

"Shamaine, i feel like i have to come honest with you. May i speak with you?"
"okay, what?"
"I'm grateful for the gift you gave me."
"oh, thats no problesm, you're welcome" she almost smiled. But i guess she knew better. She looked at me, and the half-smile got stuck in the corners of her mouth, and receeded back into her throat as she listened.
"why did you lie to me?"
"what are you talking about?"
"tell me this: Shamaine, did i ever ask you for a Christmas gift?"
"no, ..."
"Did i ever ask you for a trinket box?"
"no"
"Did I ever ask you how much the trinket box cost?"
"No"
"When i did ask you where you got it from, didnt you tell me it was from Aluwhalia mall?"
"yeah, i did..."

When i get angry, i usually feel like getting physical. But not that day. Although she was only 3 inches away from me, i didnt feel the need to slap her shitless.
I felt the need to leave her, to never speak to her again. I wasnt angry much. But the disappointment that i felt, was enough to kill a newborn.

"Shamaine, I went to Yangrila plaza, and I saw an abundance of those trinkets in the dollarstore, being sold for a afghani (i.e like one dollar) as opposed to the $25.00 you told me"

she looked shocked, caught, and silly... she also looked confused because all those emotions were trying to dominate her face all at once.

"They have it there?" i wanted to slap her "thats weird because..."
"I cant stand you lying to me." i remained calm "and you know the part that angers me the most is that you lie, for no reason." i wanted to cry "you lie when you really dont have to, when i never demand anything of you. I place no pressure on you, you never have to impress me. thats what a friend is for; so you can be yourself, YET you lie! "
"No, Truth, honestly, i didnt know..."
"and your lies continue. But the difference between you lying to me now, and lying to me back then about the trinket is that at least, i can undserstand that you're lying now because you're ashamed. You're embarrassed that you've been caught so although you know that i know that you're lying, you do it to save your pride. But what i dont understand is why you felt the need to lie to me initially about the trinket. That was an unwarranted lie."
I was so angry. She was starting to look pathetic.
"I know you wanted the a pair of shoes but as you can see, thats not what i got you. I didnt feel like you'd ever purchase a pair of shoes for me, so now... i wouldnt do that for you. I'm giving you thesame trinket box back. No, it isnt thesame one that you gave me... its a different one that i got from the dollar store at Yangrilla Plaza. I figured since you love it so much, i'd get you thesame thing."

I turned around, i couldnt stand the pathetic look on her face any longer.

"I'm sorry. Sorry but i didnt know that they sell it at Yangrilla for a dollar"

she couldnt stop lying.
and i couldnt stop bring angry.

Shamaine never owned up to her lies.
Neither did she change her lying ways.
I remained "friends" with her for years after then but I've since lost contact with her.
Last time i saw her, she was finished with post secondary school as a Bio-technician and was working.
But since i got that information from Shamaine who was riding in the local bus at the time, i find that hard to believe.
That was the end of the friendship between Shamaine and I.

Got a bug... 24hour bug

I saw you today and couldn't believe my eyes.

Shaha said "Hey! Dominique! how you been" and i turned around, only to be confronted by his face and my consience and the memories of the night...
years ago .......6years ago.
Dominique had asked me out to the club but i didn't like him. He had a car, and i didnt. I wanted to go out with the girls so i played my tricks and invited the girls along. He was our ride, nothing but our ride.
Dominique Ayana went to thesame highschool as me.
He was absolutely one of the most popular boys in school not because he was the hottest, neither was he the most unattractive. He wasn't a nerd, he wasn't hated. He was loved by everything and everybody in the school and in a highschool full of hatred, its hard to be loved by all. But Dominique was a comedian.Ever met a guy who made you and everyone else around him roar with laughter?He was well respected because he wasnt a blabbermouth.I respected him.
But couldn't be attracted to him. His lanky 5'6 skinny frame was not what i admired in men. Besides, he was a few months younger, and i was about 12 going on 40. I didn't date men my age. I prefered them much older.
So that night some weeks after we'd graduated, he asked me out and like the genius that i am, i invited three other girls and he was our ride.


...So tonight...as i saw Dominique flames of shame burnt my insides as i saw what i could have had...and what i failed to appreciate.
We danced through the night and when Destra Garcia sang "I Dare You"I seduced him with my dares as i challenged him to every whine; and he came with it, responding to the rhythm, responding to my turns...i turned to him and said "wow you've got you some great leg muscles!" to which he responded with a blush and comically told Shaha "She loves 'me legz!"


I want him...i do...i cant say a lot of men are good but i can say Dominique is...when i saw him today, i hoped he'd ask for my number but he didn' and couldn't blame him. Maybe he'd lost interest. Maybe he'd learnt his lesson. Maybe, he is shy. Either way,i know that i'd promised myself not to fall again so although i'm threading on the boundries of breaking that promise, I wont shatter it by making the first (second?) move.
I'm still healing from my previous experiences so i need someone to pray for me so that i can get rid of this 24hour lovebug for Dominique Nidad.

Let me never know beauty, if it isnt me.

Love is blind. its true. So i love myself, blindly. I choose to remain blind and refuse whatever interfering beliefs anyone or anything might suggest. I love the baby i was. I love the girl i was. I love the lady i am. I love even much more, the woman i'll become. I admire her, that is to come of me.

I love the dark tones that demarcates the darkness of the rest of my body from the lighter tones of my palms. I love the two dimples on the back of my hips. I love my left hip thats not as curvy as the right, and the right that struggles to be noticed each time i wear a tight-fitted dress. I love my elbows that reminds me not to be forgotten everytime i dont lube them. i love my face... oh... how i love my face! Love it's cheekbones that seems to disclose my originality from miles away.i love it's skin for struggling with me, through every doubt, every trial, every single way... i love my skin. For i know i was destined to be flawed, yet you remain strong. I love the corns on my left foot. Lmao oh wow... poor thing. Having one foot thats substantially larger than the other has finally taken its toll. When i tell people i'm both a size 7.5 and 8.5, they tend to think i'm kidding. oh, left foot! You taught me a lesson in beauty. Beauty, is you.

I love the scar on my left leg. Its encouraged my memory to never forget where i've been, where i'm from, and where i want to go. I love my back. I say to my back; "Back, i tell you... if i could have your tone all over me, i'd be the darkest chocolate money cant buy". I love my butt. Oh, how i have struggled with that part of my body... till i told myself..." I want to remain struggle-free". I have the best flaws on the soles of my feet and only I can understand this when i say that that is where my favourite passtime is...

I loved the mole on my face. I miss it. I had it till last month when suddenly, it began to bleed, and after a few days, it fell off. I'll miss the days when i use to hear people say "oh, theres something on your face" and they'd go ahead and try to wipe it off as i'd reply "its a mole". lol I love my waist; my premature love handles... I love the little rotund meat at the base of my tummytomtom... and laugh i hear when people claim that i dont have a tommytomtom. I love the map on my stomach. I have a birthmark that looks like some sort of map... i should post a pic of it, just in case someone knows which country's map it resembles. I call it the "Map of Africa". I want to see how it'd look if ever i get pregnant. I love the mole under my left breast. And the fact that i dont wax my floors. I dont feel like i should be killing myself shaving my puchichi if men arent socially required to do so. I'd like to know why i should be required to shave my privates if i'm a grown woman. If a man wants to sex a child, thats his own palava. I on the other hand, am a woman. So no, i dont shave my peeweewee... i admit i do it for bathing suits and sometimes because the hair gets in the way...

I love the fact that my breasts are confrontational. They litterally, call for attention. These babies, are bold. They stand, errect, and wont accept any less... and the molten lava of blackness that mounts them... my nipples, lol well, those are in their own league. It amazes me how i can still sometimes see my nipples poping through layers of clothes and padded bras... May God be praised. I love my knees.

I love my hair. Oh, how i love my hair. Its the easiest thing to alter on me and probably the most versatile. I love that its infected me with beauty. My hair as made me love it. I love that its dark ashy brown color got me a lot of teases as a child and that its scanty soft curls still persist. I love that it never rages against me and that it forgives me, continuously. I take my hair on journeys, and it simply submits, knowing that every single one will be an adventure. Its been there through my days of nubian journeys, my years of weaves, and those days when i was lost in a sea of life's silly demands... us black girls are special for this. It takes a lot to learn to love your hair. Layers and layers of veils remain adamant that beauty isn't this. lol i tell you, one of the best features of me, crowns my head.

I love my ears that are barely there. I love that they never caused me any heartache and appreciate that. I love my neck that once needed help lol. I love my lips, my tongue for remaining in close ties with my heart and concience. I love my nose. I think thats the one thing i've never been criticised for, that i on the other hand, have criticised myself for. i love that its taught me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And for that reason, i have chosen to behold the beauty in it. I love my eyebrows!!! All 19 strands of hair on them lol. I love that they have taught me the art of "brow drawing".

I love my eyes and thank God for them. My 20/20vision is well appreciated. For i have seen plenty in my 20some years. Enough to thank God for. Let love be blind, let me never know beauty, if it isn't me. For i'd much rather intoxicate myself with this beauty than any other that deceives me of what true beauty is.

Dawn in Ekiti

Dawn in that little town where i'd shine
every single christmas i shone
for poverty isnt it till you've seen the richest panhandling
and they who feed of'a these
us we
lol
us we
DAWWWN!
Dawn in that little town where i'd shine
every trip almost ecstatic
every trip
those hills those trees
the deserted distances in between
the deserted distances with leaves
Can i really explain this to do it enough justice?
Dawn in Ekiti
i knew ecstacy at 9
I knew Dawn!
in Ekiti...

City streets infested with happy kids
who'd dare tief your pitni?
no Knock Knocks, no phone calls
come in and out as you please
so you dare not hide a thing.

Dawn in EKiti where i knew Ecstacy.

I'd mix with the yeses and the nonos...
mix with whoever accepted me
buying homemade candies all day long
the streets fed me till Dawn came
then i'd feed off of the streetside hawks
I'd get drunk off the walks and smile at the elderly
thesame ones would line the streets at thesame times
all to feel the Dawn on their skins
and we'd love both poor and rich
soaking in the precious Dawn before it ceases,
loving the rhythms of our lives
as i return the next year
never saying goodbye
to those elderly smiles that never died
and the tribal marks that named each face
nor that massive slopy hill
nor that path engraved in my memory
filled with little bushes that led to the mysterious lady
why i chose to remember you i do not know
but i see your shadow
everytime i remember my walkgasms
with Dawn in Ekiti.
How could i not love the night?
It is the only trace i've got
the one similar thing
to what i had
what we had.
i and dawn. in ekiti.

TEN Commandments: On Men.

1. Thou shalt demand of them to surpass your expectations. You must demand that they surpass your expectations. NUMBER ONE RULE! Never settle! The people you settle for end up being the total idiots who never deserved you in the first place. its true! i type this with a lot of data to back it up. If you settle, you'll regret it after you'd broken up. You'll tell yourself "and to think i was only settling for him in the first place".
2. Thou shalt accept only they who enriches your life and encourages your dreams. Only accept men who enriches your life and encourages you to dream. i once had a man (Kimani) who trophysized (yes, go google that word up lol) me. He hald me in such high regards and showed me off as often as he could. what he loved in me? the fact that i had a career at 21. okay but let me add this: that wasnt the issue. I loved that i was his trophy. But i couldnt stand that that was good enough for him. He didnt encourage my dreams. I wanted to accomplish much more but he didnt desire anymore from me. Kimani didnt bother... to him, i was set for life. And to make matters worse, he was a 419er. Okay, who needs one of those in their lives? (definitely nes pas moi ). I was his trophy, and he was my mistake. okay, moving on: i mean, whatever happened to having a man who actually cares enough to say "Truth, err... i know you want to go out partying right now but did you forget that you have a paper due tomorrow?" or "Truth, have you found a research paper for your assignment because i think i might've found one for you" or even better "Truth baby, we should go on a vacation. I think you need a break from this stress..." like, whatever happened to that? I want a man who enriches me, who beautifies my tapestry of experiences. I want a man who'll rock me... i dont want yet, another waste of time. i want a man who has got enough soul to light the world up. it takes that much soul, to ignite my body.
3. Thou shalt not discriminate. Do not discriminate against races, in choosing a partner. I think i'm as ignorant as they come and i really need to stop being like this. Discrimination is the product of ignorance and ignorance dulls virtuous souls. I will not discriminate against race. Having said that, i know i cant possibly be attracted to everyone of every race. I understand that its okay to have preferences. By the way, if Mama was to see this, she would be furious but i think its already well established, i'm not going to limit myself to Nigerian men just because I'm Nigerian.
4. Honour thyself with truth for there is no happiness, love, joy or peace in deceit of self. Truth, be truthful with yourself because you cant attain love, happiness, or peace with another if you cant be truthful with you. if i cant be truthful to myself i cant expect anyone to be truthful to me. In turn, i refuse to build a relationship founded off of lies or deceit so if a man cant be absolutely truthful with me, then i need not involve myself with him. As most people already know, i place emphacy on truth. I think with truth, all things are possible...
5. Never put forth before thyself, he who puts thee after another.Do not put a man before yourself if you dont come first to him. i usually have no trouble with this. If i dont come first to a person, it only makes sense that that person shouldnt come first to me. For example, if i put a person first and he puts himself first, then where the hell would i stand in both our lives? i've decided to love after being loved. Please, dont get me wrong. It isnt the best way for everybody to be, but it is for me. I (especially in my recent cases with Chisel Coco) tend to love deeply... so deeply that i lose myself. So deeply that i give all, i mean alll..... leaving nothing for me... i literally, give all of me. And i attach, and forget me. I dont want to love like that ever again. That love, kills. That love hurts, that love blinds... i didnt see Chisel for the deceitful being that he is, till i had given all my heart to him. Do you know how hard it was for me to get it back? i'm still nursing my sores. i'll never love first. I want to be loved, wanted, yearned for... then i'll consider reciprocating that love. Its safer for me. Therefore, if a man hasnt put it all out on the table, i'm keeping all ma shit in ma purse.
6. Thou shall not accept men of unhealthy habits (or souls) which you have deemed unacceptable Do not accept men who have unhealthy habits e.g cigarrette smoking (Kimani), excessive drinking (Kimani), drugging (Kimani), ignorance (lol yeah i know, i know... i had mentioned that i'm ignorant...), apathy , pride (Chisel's hallmark character. Please do keep in mind that there is healthy pride and then there is unhealthy pride), etc Okay,if you've read "Sermon's" blog, this sort of ties in with one the points he made. A man who lives his life in unhealthy ways and i not only mean physically unhealthy like eating habits, living situation etc but also spiritually and mentally unhealthy like a man with such characters as gossiping (by the way, this is the single most irritating character a man can have.), is a prude, is combative, etc.... Like i had menationed in #2: i'm trying to enrich my life, not destroy it! a man who posesses unhealthy characters is cancerous. He'll slowly infect you, and literally metastisize and infect your soul.
7. Covet only men with post secondary education and or with careers. Only get involved with men with post postsecondary education and or careers.Okay, going to the university of Idunmota Lagos to study Political Science doesnt count IF you've been abroad for years. Why? because if you cant work with your degree, i dont believe in the degree! If you cant acheieve your dream job, then how am i to believe that you're a reasonable person? And if you've been away from Africa for so long and you havent gotten a job in that field, why in the name of apples, havent you gone back to school to get into something else that might interest you, that'll get you a good career? I like PROACTIVE men, not men that sit around and pity themselves everyday. I once met a Benin (the country) man who was an athelete back home. His dream was to maintain his career as a racer (Track), yet, this man worked at the local grocery store. How do i dream and make plans with a man who cant dream for himself? Okay, i'd like to take this chance to say IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE, if you dont like your career. So, with that said, i wouldn't want to be with a person who doesnt enjoy what he does regardless what it is that he does. Because i think for a man to have chosen a career, he should have at least researched it enough to know that it is right for him and say he had gotten into it before he realised this, then i'd prefer if he was on his way, in shcool, studying to change his career. Its part of taking charge of your life. I cant stand a man who bitches about something, yet takes NO step to change it. I mean its your life, take a friggin charge.
8. Remember, two proud bitches canst dwell in thesame heart. Do not date proud men as you are already proud enough for the two of you which is why i cant be with yet another proud person. I'm proud enough for the two of us. Besides, pride makes me emetic. I dont mind being proud (okay, fine i'll consider being a little more humble) but i cant stand it in men. I mean, i want a man i can talk to, without reservations. A man that can expect me to be myself and that wouldnt discriminate me for being me.
9. Thou artst deserving of a of adoration and shall accept nothing but. You deserve to be adored and you should accept nothing but a man who adores you. I think thats pretty well put, dont you think? I know what i deserve... i want a man i can adore but i couldnt possibly respect a man enough to do that, if he didnt adore me. I want to love, spiritually... i want to love, wholely... in every way possible. Again, without reservations. i want to feel like a princess, like a queen. like his princess, like his queen. i want to rule over his heart, and him mine. I want to be appreciated for everything that i am. I can see the beauty in almost anything. I want a man who sees the beauty in me, who gets drunk off of it, is willing to remain intoxicated with it, and praises me for it. I am that. I am that girl that does this for a man i truly love. If i am to be involved with anyone ever again, i want a man who is that, too.
10. Thou shalt love thyself regardless. Do love yourself regardless. ahh... and this is the best one of them all... i'd rather be single and happy than be hooked and be unhappy. I am so thankful to God because i know that i have been given a sacred gift. I love myself, no matter what. This is my cardinal character. It is the one reason, that Truth is Truth. It is the one thing that defines and drives me. Is it possible for another person other than God to love me as i love myself? If it is, then why should i ever be with a person who doesnt love me as much as i love myself?

Mother and Child 1

"Oh how i miss you! there is so much i have to tell you, i have had to grow without you! So joyful to see you...."
.....
but words failed her
sobs interrupted and consoles took her's
but they both understood, communicating without uttering
not one word needed spoken
she said all she had to
all in that one tear that treaked down her cheek
making a pathway for more to come
as she regressed into that girl she was,
5 years ago,
when they had parted.

Back into Mama's arms.


I have so much to be thankful for.