Mama

I cry,
because your words
remind me of a love
I had never imagined.

Thank you.

It isnt my experiences
that bring me to tears
It is that through it all
You refuse to falter.

Thank you.

Must be loneliness

I'd stopped thinking about him
changed my phone number
never called him since
havent spoken to him in about 2 months
then 2 days ago,
started thinking about him again...

constantly...
oh goodness...

must be loneliness...

My feelings, at the present

"I know you're leaving, i cant make you stay. I can only let you know i'll love you anyway. But if the road you take leads to heartbreak somewhere down the line, if someone ever hurts you or treats your heart unkind, you just run to the arms of the one who loves you"
"My love is strong enough y'kno, strong enough to let you go."


"Years go by and still, words dont come easily... like sorry. But you can say baby, baby can i hold you tonight? and maybe if i told you the right words at the right time, you'd be mine."

BlecwkCh!

I'm not sure why but i'm feeling less and less like coming over to blogville these days (or shoudl i say, these months...). So much happens in my life but i feel so insecured and so unsafe to share them! Regardless of how annonymous i may have remained. I just dont enjoy it here like i used to.
Today, i got the silliest urge to close this down.
But then i thought i'd give it to the end of the month and even then, i'd just leave if i still feel thesame. I love my words... every single one of them and even more so the spaces i leave between each one.
So the thought of quitting and erasing all the emotions that i'd transformed into these words without really erasing the emotions and once again, being lost with my feelings, scares me.
I want to be able to look back and read what it felt like to be me in 2007, for example... or at the very least, what it was that i wanted people to know and in those codes, the ways i felt and please if you understand exactly what i said, say amen a few times (and if you dont, dont give yourself a headache because, i'm not so sure i'm sane anyway lol).


This space is mine.
Mine.

And it'd be mine for as long as i want it. So though it makes me feel a little "Blecwkch" coming here right now, i feel great, knowing that it'll always be here.

Peace, love and soft alfonso mangoes ppl.
(till next time)

Before September comes.

At first, i was unsure. So unsure in fact that I couldnt hide it. He couldnt touch me... i wouldnt allow it. I just didnt feel comfortable. I'd first, have to clear everything up... what do i want with him.

Eventually i decided i'd try him. I'm going to leave out the details because i know i wont finish today if i decide to narrate them all.

The first time we had sex was the day I decided to be with him.
We continued with the relationship though in my mind, i'd never really gotten comfortable with his height. And some other things he'd do bothered me. Like how he'd always have his hands on me. And how he sexed like a bunny. And how he'd be so clingy at clubs, in public... and even more importantly, how he'd been engaged to another girl previously. The fact that he was engaged doesnt bother me. Its the fact that he was engaged to someone that obviously couldnt have been a compatible wife for him. Eventually the engagement was off... He'd cheated on her, and she retaliated. And then she chose the other guy and when the guy left her, Alaire wouldnt take her back. She still calls the odd times, but i dont blame her. He is a great guy.

Great, yes. I envy his ability to remain calm under pressure... and love how he makes life look so easy. How he manages to remain true to himself in this sort of world... how he respects, oh i just love how he respects. And when he smiles, i forget that hes grown. He smiles like a child. And i am in absolute love for everything that he is about. And I'm glad hes got flaws because that'll help him remain grounded though i cant imagine him being anything but, regardless... I am simply in admiration of what he is...

But he still wants to get married. And i told him that i didnt want to.

No, i didnt lie.
But neither did i tell the truth.

Its not that i dont want to get married. But i dont want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married. I want to get married to a man whose intention is to get married, to me.

Please let me know if i've lost you in that sentence but i sure hope i havent.

He wants to get married because he feels its the right age, time period, next milestone...
I dont want to get married for the exact same reasons.

But i want him. and not just a little... I want this man.

Sometime in May, he broke it off. And i saw it coming, because i knew he was logical. And to a person like him, being with a girl whose goal is vastly different from his wouldnt make sense. And it doenst to me neither... but i want him.

He enriches my life in ways that no one ever has. Please note that i didnt say ..."in ways that no one ever can"... because i am wiling to realise that as I met this amazing guy, i can meet many more.

Yet, i want him.

And after that break-up, we relapsed a week later. The sex continued, so did everything else. I still see him about 5 days a week... and outside of work, spend most of my time with him.

Its true, i am in love with him.

But you cant have someone that isnt yours. And he may be even less mine because at the end of August, he'll be moving. We'll end up living about 10 hours away from each other. And hes made it clear that he likes me as clear as hes made it known that he does not want a long-distance relationship.

Sometimes we hear humming birds as songs... but really those birds can be so damn annoying.
This is the truest thing hes ever told me... its also the harshest.

In August, i wont have a choice. Life'll force him out of my sight, grasp within my reach and I'll have to deal with it.
I know i'll breakdown for sure. Theres just no other way around it.

So i wonder if i can possibly try now. Not possibly succeed because thats asking for a lot. But try... to let him ease out of my life now, before September comes to make the decision for me.

I dont know what to do, really. I work about 5minutes away from where he lives and live about an hour away from work so needless to say, I've gotten comfortable with staying over at his place in times when I'm working late and or coming over for my lunch breaks at work. Hes become such a big part of my life! How do I even manage to begin to undo that? And what was I thinking weaving into my life in the first place?!

I need help.
How do I get over this man before September comes?

No post in June?!

Whats going on?! I use to live, breathe, dine and dare i say... shit here!
I dont know why, i just dont feel secured as I used to... and as time goes on, i'd just rather share with me, myself and my mind..

but today is a little different. Like one of those days i dont ever want to forget? so i'll share...

Tagged...

So, Miss Kiss Chika woke me outta my slumber... i was tagged. Alright so here we go! 6 quirks:

1. I once slept for a day and a half- straight. I woke up wondering what day it was. I can sleep like a polarbear!

2. My memory and concentration is as fleeting as water is liquid. Something tells me it wont ever change... A lot of times i'd get angry at people but forget what it was they did to me, yet the anger would linger on! Its so sad

3. I'm addicted to the colour green. Its all over my place and i wanted to get a green car but unfortunately... I've got NO green thumb (i'm bad with plants). Whatever plant i get, always dies! But i got 4 plants two weeks ago because they'd go with my green decor :) ... well before they wither and die off anyway...

4. I dont call my family members unless i have to. I just dont. I dont know why. They always end up calling me. They're so used to it by now. Matter of fact, Moma called today and Ambiition called the day before... i'll return their calls when i'm ready.

5. I have a thing for small cars. I've got a current love afair with Scions and Minis... currently dating another small one too.

6. I LOVE PETS!!! (Chika this is where we're tres different). I just got back from a dog park where i went to see if i'd find a 140pound dog that i had met there the last time i was there.

I'm sorry.

Deeply i am.
For not calling, though you're terribly ill
If i had called, you would have asked how i've been doing
And in your book, theres no excuse for failing
And I, am just not so good
at lying.

He floated away

Okay so i got home, it was already dark out so it was later in the evening. I got home only to see this unknown man, laying on my couch! And he was there, with a dog that i didnt actually pay much attention to. But it was a small- breed type of Dog,... kinda like Darque...

So anyway, for some reason, i didnt fret when i saw him because although i didnt know who it was, somehow, i also knew.

He was dark skinned, tall, older, with a greying beard that constrasts with his balding head. With all this said, he was semi attractive nonetheless.

So we got to talking,and i layed on the couch with him, behind him. As we talked, i found myself liking this man. And as we talked, i found myself raising my right leg to nestle it on his... and then i caught myself! what the hell was i doing? i hardly knew this man!

I was confused. I liked him... for some reason i couldnt explain. He seemed like cream... easy like he'd taste so good to be with. So i called Kiss and told her about him. But as i narrated my tres short experience with this misterious man of mine, i realised (along with her... "we" realised) that something wasn't right. This man seemed odd. How the hell did he get into my apartment? And how the hell-ier did he manage to talk to me well enough that i lost my reasonings... i mean, wtf was going on?!
Kiss and i decided i'd pray about it.

Then i was back on the couch with the mysterious man. And he was holding me within his arms... we were laying down... things were calm as i said "In Jesus Name". He flinched. Clenched his arms around me, tightening it like he was about to lose his life. But like he didnt want me to know, he didnt protest. And he said nothing.

But by then, i had gotten my confirmation. Whatever this man was, was wrong. He was an evil, devilish entity.

And as i tried to repeat Jesus's name, i found that my organs couldnt move anymore. I was alive, thinking and breathing but my throat was paralyzed,and my tongue weighed a ton. My lips, lost all motor skills... Like it is when a person gets ALS, i was frozen in body, though my thoughts were well alive.

I realised that i was in the devil's arms. I called on the name of Jesus in my mind, continuously and slowly, my lips began to gain control. Though my voice wouldnt come, i mouthed his name "Jesus" ... and his gift "The blood of Jesus" and like i had turned to fire, he slowly released his grip on me...
he got up... i dont know if i saw him walk because now it seems to me like he floated through the room... he floated through the window and i could see him outside through my sunroom. He looked back at me.

My voice had returned as i said "I bind you in the name of Jesus" as he faded away...

Then i woke up.

This one wasnt even in the night. This was a day-mare

Simile

You dont know, but you are my love.
And i dont know when we started
but you've lived, long before i caught up with you
right out' his mouth like a flying dolphin, welmed, diving into my ears as you escaped the air
Simile.
i rememeber rolling you in my tongue, kinda like i am now... rolling you in my words
See me see you as we make love simile
you dont have any idea
how much i love that moment
when i fell madly
deeply truly got you fucked up
in this bed of my tongue
with them pearly headboards

as i melted you into my sub
consciously like a knowing smile
and made love to you
smiling, i said you

"Simile, as i owe it to you, this game we played,
lovingly gamete-ly secretly i promise you
i'll name our baby after you"

OMG! My baby is a WOMAN!!!

well... maybe not a "woman" per say, but a an adult-feminine entity nonetheless!

Darque got her period today.


(And for many of you(s) who had NO idea that bitches (lol) get menstrual periods, dont feel ashamed. I had no idea neither until recently)

Unwanted stones in my basmati :(

"I can somehow get by, using my toys to get myself to come whenever i want while lying to you that i dont want/need you. And i guess you too can do thesame; use "palm-ella" everytime you felt like having me while trying to convince yourself that its just as good. but... i dont ever want that sort of relationship with you; I'd rather not have one with you at all. I was upset on our way to your place and that isnt unusual. As you can tell, when I'm bothered by something, I find it really hard not to dwell on it and I'll admit its one of my many flaws but i doubt its one that'll be changing anytime soon so bear with me. With that aside, i dont wnat to keep retaliating negative vibes/behaviours with you because that wont do us anygood. When you'd said "no", i was upset because i felt rejected and i felt a little uneasy because i felt like i had entered into some sort of game that i wasn't expecting and didnt want. I understand that you probably had similar feelings when i refused to have sex with you and if i made you feel unwanted or inadequate in any way, i'm sorry.I didnt say "no" for any other reason other than that i was exhausted and i was hoping you would understand. And i hope you understand that I'll try my best to please and care for you but i cant always get it right and when i dont, i expect you to understand. Again, a few years ago i wouldn't mind playing this game with you but i'm not interested in playing now. I'm hoping you'd rather exclude the games too because I (obviously) have a crush :) on you."

On his way to you

It hurts, loving your man Miss Right
While he takes my hand
and i gladly give him it
Trying to believe i can own him.

And while we roll through the sheets
There i lie, comparing this to
what Elton felt when he belted
that blue-ish song with that hat on.

But true love cant be half-way done.
You cant have it "semi-rare"
Baby its hardly there
so it really never was.

So when you pick up your phone
crying to me of 5 years of love
That now seems unrequitted
I tell you of the pains i have felt
with a love that isnt done.

But this hope glitters in me
And i too would like to believe it
So i belt to you like that man did
Of true love that he must've felt
Wearing that funny hat,
hoping it exists.

And within you i see what i dont ever want to be
eyes-a-tearing, nose-a-streaming
Neither regretting nor letting go
Plus all the regrets that you cant let go
And i get scared of ever being there again.

So i'll give Miss Right a closer chance
Cut the drama a lil,
I'll hold my fingers still
If he doesnt call me, i wont call him
If he doesnt care, i wont neither
If he doesnt want, i wont
If he, I wont

Leaving it all up to him. While slowly, i give him all my power.

I will never understand this love-less life.

Your neighbour's laundry.

It was just meant to be a simple walk. I was to go over to my friend's house with Darque and we'd have a great time walking around the neighbourhood... whatever... the usual. This friend of mine had just graduated too so it was to be like a celebration walk sorta thing. I got Darque's waterbottle, her leash, and we headed out.

We stayed there a bit. Had dinner... that she bought since homegirl never cooks (yeah, she's white... however did you manage to know that?), and headed out. We hadnt even walked a block when we saw this dog that Darque used to know... along with her ownerwho also used to dogsit Darque.

And you thought you had issues "1":
This owner AKA soon-to-be-18-year-old girl, grew up with her mom and her mom's bf. Daddy wasnt in the picture (whats new? and no... he isnt black). Mr. BF used to molest her, rape her and among other things, make her do sexual stuff to her barbies... (wait, i think i got the story mixed up here... i dont know for sure if he used to be the one doing dirty things to her barbies or if he used to make her do them). Anyway, the cherry on the cake? She is delayed. Yeah,... she is urr, how do i say... umm... "behind"? Okay... she is almost 18, but she operates at about a 13 year old's level. Okay, hopefully you got the pic now.

This girl's life would make a ridiculous movie (for lack of a happy ending) but a greta book (also, for lack of a happy ending). She was sent to live with her aunt who has been caring for her since she was about 15. Trouble is, she does the craziest things. She lies like there is no tomorrow. You can both be staring at the sky in Abidjan the middle of november and she'd sell you snows. And you, you'd buy it not because you're blind or you cant tell that it never snows in Abidjan (at least, not yet but with the way the climate is changing so drasticlaly these days, any damn thing can happen!), but because this girl is that great a liar. Her lies and her mischievious ways has caused her to be kicked out of the house. Yes, her aunt kicked her out. And i know it sounds bad, but what are you going to do with a kid that runs away from home, never goes to school (the schools always calls home asking for her since she didnt show up for her classes but she denies it even after they call, claiming she was there while they were calling!), never cleans, ...
Anyway, so my friend (the one that just graduated) adopted her. That lasted a few months. My friend got sick of it because again, she'd lie up storms in the middle of the dryest desserts. It even started to affect our relationship a little too because when Darque would be over there (remember the girl used to dogsit for me and since she was living with my friend, she would dogsit over at my friend's place?), she wouldnt clean up after Darque and as much as my friend likes Darque, it wasnt fair to her especially since i used to pay miss thing for having her there! I stopped needing her services since is started leaving Darque at home by herself...anyway, now she got kicked our from my friend's house and she had to move back in with her aunt. Problem is, she has until she turns 18 to move out.

She'll be 18 in May :(
Her life is in God's hands.

And you thought you had issues "2":
As all five (Darque, the other dog, my friend, me, and the ex-dog sitter) of us were there, another really cute pure qhite dog came along with a female owner. We got to talking to this owner and you wouldnt believe it. Okay, let me tell you...

I've been told i'm crazy because: my dog has her own room, the wall color, the litter bin (yeah, shes litter trained... i'm too damn lazy to walk her half the time... okay maybe MOST of the time), her food and water bowl are thesame shade of pink, she's got a Fendi bed, about 5 sweaters, one jacket, the cutest toothbrush, cutest pair of shoes, SO MUCH toys,...
But apparently, i'm not half as crazy as this woman that had the white dog. The dog was beautiful, much older and very very well mannered. She would play with you if you play with her, she wouldnt just jump on you, she lays down and waits whenever her owner wasnt moving... (as opposed toDarque who barks at strangers UNLESS they pet her, jumps up to people's faces to kiss them, licks strangers ears, barks at random dogs and runs when they retaliate...). Anyway the woman andi got to talking and you wouldnt believe it!

SHE HAS A DOGGIE WALKER AND A CAR SEAT for her dog. And when you go in her place (yeah, she invited us over), the only pics on the walls are of her and her dog! She has no couch, no TV, just two (wooden) chairs and a big carpet for her dog, the foodbol and water bowl, a crate and... she is crazy! NOT ME! But i liked her lots. SHe was very generous. She gave Darque bows for her hair, sweaters and golf shirts, treats, a ball for toy...

Anyway, back to her personal story. Her parents divorced after a 5-yearmarriage because her daddy was too abusive. But the abuse didnt stop then. After he left, her mom became REALLY abusive.

How abusive, you ask?
To the point where whe'd drown her when she'd get angry,
beating
Javex down her throat for crying...

When she was 17, she was pulled out of school...
When she was 18, her daddy got credit cards in her name, maxed them out, yet wouldnt pay for them...
At 20, she declared backrupcy.

She eventually moved out with the clothes on her back; her friends couldnt tak eit anymore, they helped her out. She got three jobs,and its been hard but shes been alive so i guess thats a great thing.
At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history. its been over a decade, yet the trauma is clearly visible in her life.At 34, she's got her faith in God, her dog, some form of communication with her sister and a really dark history.

If i dont curb my anger, i will never have kids.
God please dont let me ever become such a monster.

I'll leave you with these words that a co-worker said to me earlier this month
"If you knew what your neighbour was going through, you would never want to swap your troubles "

My goodness, these nightmares!

Had a dream that Yugi died. And though i was told in the dream, i didnt believe them. I have a cousin with a similar name so it didnt bother me as much. Then i was on my way out to some party. I remember i was wearing a pair ofred shoes (that i dont even own in real life) and these black tappered pants (dont have those in real life neither) and a redtop. I was about to leave the house when someone told me and it finally sinked in.

I couldnt get myself to cry. But i wished he hadnt passed.

He had suposedly gone in for a check-up, only to be retained there at the hospital for colon cancer. He lived only three days after that.

And i remember thinking some thoughts in my dreams,trying to make sense of it all... Dada had wanted a boy... they wouldnt stop having kids till they got one, and eventually they did. And the boy lived till he was in his twenties?!
life didnt seem to make sense.
And at that moment, i thought about how humans sometimes wants things that may not be meant for us... yet we want anyway...

I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the things i dont understand... hence why i belive in life, and ultimately, in God.
I dont believe that thie dream means my brother will die, or that he would get colon cancer... but this like every dream that i have ever had, meant something.

So i pray that whatever battles i dont know of, God continues to fight them for me. And i wont try to decipher the meaning of that dream. I'll just remind God that my life is in his hands.

Introducing... Alaire.

***I've changed Mr.Frery's name to Mr. Alaire... Alaire means "joyful, happy"... it suits him better than Frery***


I cant tell you the exact date we met. It must've been someday in March... But the day we started talking? Late February.

China and Caty had been connected to a specific dating website... they'd been registered for a while. Then one day, i was at China's place, Caty was there too; it was to be a girl's night out. We got there, and Caty got the funniest idea (shes full of the silliest, funniest ideas... like the time she got the idea that wego to the town's business district at rush hour, picking random cute men, pretending we knew them by asking them if their name was "John"... then later asking them if their last names was "Doe"),... why dont we all get an account together!

Three girls, one profile... it was crazy. We got such responses like i couldnt believe. It was fun. But it only lasted 24hours. Apparently it was wrong to have such a profile... they deleted us. Oh well...

Then i got my own profile. It got a little silly lol. Sometimes we'd even IM each other on there, sort of like MSN. It was funny.

I met a few men there... 3 in total.

The first one i met was a 28yo Congolese man; a masters student at the local uni. New to town, moved here from another state, 5'5, dark skinned, sunny smile, small little itty-bitty eyes, very attractive face. worked as a prof's assistant at the local uni. Speaks French, Swahili, and a few other afro languages.

The second was a 27yo guy from Barbados, who'd just moved here from NY, USA. inspiring social work student, speaks French, poor spoken English, even worse written English, 5'8, very cute!!!, dark skinned, hardly smiled (so i dont know what his smile is like), eccentric fashion sense... a cross between eccentric and USA-FOBish.


The third was a 32yo white guy who was a car sales man. nice sense of style... dresses clean,okay. Studied Psych in uni... graduated years ago. 5'9. Nice smile. Smiles lots.


Mr. Alaire was the first one i met. I didnt like the second guy because heseemed too silly to be real. He continuously called me to tell me he wants me so bad, and that i was the best girl hes met since he moved here. I wanted to believe him. I actually did. But i wasnt convinced that he believed himself, if you feel me... the third guy... the white guy, was way to hard to get with. He liked me, i liked him, but i couldnt live on coffee all the time and i didnt feel like having to explain to him why okra draws and why obeata sometimes have a mix of different types of fishes and meat in it. I never went for a second date with him.

Alaire...the night i went to meet him, i went through hell. He doesnt drive so i drove to see him. We were to meet at his place where i was to have dinner with him... Ugali and some nice spinach soup with maybe cow tripe! I could already taste the damn thing but lo and behold, my beautifully imperfect car had to stop working on my way there! I had to get off the freeway and call a towtruck. The mess ended up costing me up to 1400 in funds to fix but anyway... while i was waiting for the Towtruck, i called him and told him the car broke down so he decided to cab it to where i was, and wait for the truck with me.

The first time i saw him, i think i screamed (well, not to his face but when he was out of the car and i had gotten the balls to call Caty up so i'd have someone to scream to). He looked like such a FOB. lol.
And his accent was so pronounced but i didnt mind that at all... since i have a (BIGBIGBIGGG)thing for Fench accents. What i had even more trouble accpeting,was that he was short.

Yet he'd impressed me so much when i'd talk to him on the phone, and when we'd chat on msn... i had a crush on the conversations we had.

So after the car had been towed, we went over to his place where he shared with a roommate. It was cool. I had caught a cold by then so he made me a cup of cammomille tea. I met his roommate... it was cool.

What amazed me about this guy is his smile. It was relentless. Frery eases smiles through a volcanoes. I sometimes smile, but most times, i dont. If you've ever been asked by a stranger while walking down the street to "please smile", then you know exactly what i mean.
But remember i said i met him in February? Well...his height bothered me all the way through to the 29th of March. I liked and adored so many things about this man, but couldnt get over the fact that i didnt have to get on my tippytoes to kiss him.

Speaking of tippytoes... i did something stupid when i eventually decided to accept him. I'd get on my tippytoes everytime we'd kiss. Call it a force of habit for years of being with TBS. Then once, he asked me "where are you flying to?" lol

But i've totally accepted him now. Its like the first time i'd have ewedu mixed with okra. I'd love that i could have ewedu but hate that it'd be mixed with okra. But had it anyway, since it meant that i got to have ewedu... anyone got me?
So now i am his... and he is new to town so we go out sightseeing and touring the beaches sometimes. And i, am in absolute like (cant say that other word yet... still struggling with it) with this man that makes molehills seems so much more leveled... like everything is everything and life doesnt have to be so stressful... i have smiled so much more these past weeks than i have the rest of the year. And he understands, doesnt criticize me when i let Darque on my bed.

The one thing i sort of think is cute but a little disturbing is that Darque forgets me when he is here. If we both come in at thesame time, she litterally ignores me... for the first 10-20minutes. And then i guess she gets hungry and remembers who her feeder is lol. They have such a great connection, its amazing.

But he aint perfect, people. Hes got lots of cons. Like... he gets on my nerves at times when he gets in his playful mood and i just cant seem to be in that sort of mood with him 24-7! Oh lawd! Sometimes i cant stand it. Another flaw?I'mgoing to have to teach him how to eat me well. He is horrible in that department. Very willing, but fucking bad at it. And for the longest time, sexing him used to be so painful! I have this theory now that my coochie takes her time to get used to new dicks. ANd finally, she has. Now its just pleasure. I cant stand the pain.

Sexing him is great. And at first, i'd get scared to even see his peennini because i thought i'd be disappointed. The truth is, he is far from the biggest and smallest i have had. Hs isnt small, but he isnt big. (Lord, now i really have to remain anon. I have shared too much on this blog-o-mine).
Its been great having sex with him. And it makes it even sweeter when he says "Thank you" after an orgasm. And i get in that mode too, where i say "thank you" more often... he just makes theses things easier.

Last week, i took him on a picnic to the beaches to celebrate his graduation. He'll stay in town for his first job... he'll eventually move back home. I try not to think long term so i havent. This weekend, he'll be away. His friend is getting engaged and they have to go pay some sort of dowry.


Not everything that glitters is gold. So if this sounds glittery, then picture it as some sort of mirage. Because to accept that this might be real, would be to set yourself up for a downfall. I dont think he is perfect. But he is at the moment, today, great.

Testing, 123!

I need to go get tested for STDs.
And so does he.

I had been getting tested every 6months since i was 16. It was like a routine, pap test, blood test, HIV test, along with every 6th month that came by.

When i was 21, i got a call from the ministry of health. Supposedly i had been i n contact with someone who had been found to have Chlamydia.

I couldnt believe it.
And since i had only had sex with one person between the time i was 17 and then, i knew who it was. Kimani.

So i went for the test. I was dead cold and scared. I still remember walking in there after work and seeing all these people i couldnt find myself ever associating with. They looked more like whores. No seriously, that was my exact feeling.

Yet i was in that room, waiting with them. So really, am i any different?
Somehow, we all took our individual paths. Yet somehow we all ended up there. In that room, waiting to believe that we arent diseased. Hoping for some miracle.

I wasnt infected.
I was okay.
I found out two weeks later.

Thank God for condoms. The son of a forgotten fool had cheated on me but thank goodness for condoms and his devine grace.

So i am now about to start over with Frery so i need the both of us to get tested. Frery... i'll admit, i do like him a lot.
But its odd, because there are a few things about him i am having difficulty accepting. I am at a point where i am redefining or reaffirming my believes in terms of the sort of partner i want and what is important to me. And as i do that, i hope to learn a few lessons along the way.

Anyway, in the meantime, i'm going to get some food to eat lol.

Gold digger

I'm not trying to be a bitch though i'll admit,
sometimes it comes so naturally
But i just cant stand it when you ask so much of me
so soonn... like so now, so, rightaway
I am flattered that you want me
Though i know it isnt hard to be attractive once you've got a pussy,
still i understand that it is sometimes much more than that
so yes, i relish that. I enjoy that.
Believe me, i appreciate that.

But wait a minute... no, your hands...
hold on a second... dont touch me there

Because it isnt that i dont like it
It is that it is irritating
and somewhere inside, i am hoping you see there is much more to me
Than what God gave me to be thighs
and hips
and breasts
What i have done with me
This masterpiece of a being...
is a bit more

And i want to believe that you are one too
So i want to take my time with you
Find that being within
No, wait a minute
Do i have to kiss you right now?
Oh my friggin goodness!
Would you wait a goddamn second?!

You are frustrating me
And i know you've stopped now
But the moment i shut up, you resume your touching
sliping your hands right onto me.


And i want to do that too
I want to explore you
I want to find the one that you are
If only you'd just give me a minute

The one i was made to be, digs for gold.
To feel, i must search.
And i need time to find.
So i ask that you let me
Dig ma claws in your dirt
Seeking through the rough mess
Allow me with patience, please!
Let me search through your experiences
And the gold you've now become
You.

Please give me time
So i can finally, love you.
And understand... you.
And make this love, with you.

"Black bitch"

Okay, it went a lil some'n like this
She got pissed, say ma girl needed to move her make-shift rover ASAP
Honked and holler'd damn near woke up the whole city
Talkin bout "Move your damn car!"
And for a minute there i thought i was seeing things
Because with all that damn anger, it was all for nothin

if you wanna get moving so bad, why de hell dont you use the next lane?

But sometimes a bitch is got to be a bitch
and sometimes bitches get confused
and sometimes they dont say the shit they mean

It aint about the damn car space
It about pure estrogen race
Miss heiffer wanted to win a battle
That really didnt matter... a simple battle for car space that isnt so simple since it ain even about car space in the first place!

So i watched as miss thang hopped out her car,
Called up her crew hoping for some wings cuz you know, chics really cant fly so when shit goes down, she be needin some backup plan

I wanted to laugh it was apparent... aint noone else drunk outta dem. They left her ass hanging as they left. May be a good idea to cut on drinking if you know you cant hold your own... especially if your crew got brains and they know they cant fight when you act all out.

So she came up to the car, bitch tried opening ma girl's car
And i thought that was cute because... i wondered what she was about to do if she had got the door open?

Not knowing that shes got me and a man in the back seats,little miss blonde almost choked when she saw me
Well, i cant help it if i look like the night. But sometimes, it aint so bad... i can just creep up on bitches whenever i want...
And just like dat, she jumped. But she jumped like she didnt because you could see her eyebrows twitching though her body wasnt moving...
And i knew the blackness got ma back cuz the whiteness in hers knew better
Immediately, i knew i didnt even have to fret so unless she is like what TV says, i got this.
And if TV is right, then we've got 4 dead bodies in the car, yeah... shot to the head and maybe butchered to pieces all thanks to yours truly...

But in this case, i couldnt be scared... well, between you and i, i'll be honest. I was, but only if she had a gun.
Otherwise i tol miss thang if she wanted to move the car so bad, then she better get around us and since she tried opening up the car door, then she better do her worst cuz the line is behind her now and shes gone too damn far.
"What was she doing? Was she tryna open your car door?"

Hell mothafuckin nAHHHH!
"tURN OFF DAT ENGINE! wE AIN GOIN NOWHERE!"

White turned even whiter as she stared me in the face. Never knew "scared-shitless" could merge so well with "anger" in one spot like it did in her eyes...

With hands jittering, i could see my girl turning the keys as the lights go off... lol we were here to stay

her crew left, i guess they knew better. Never a good idea to defend a drunken fool.

She got back in her car, and something in me wished she'd hit ours so we can get her for her insurance but "drunk" goes on vacation when it needs to... somehow, her alcohol level had decreased. Blondie knew better.

But the funniest part of the night was when she turned to me as she was driving off...
"you black bitch"
Yeah, and she drove off.
And i wanted to laugh but i couldnt because i didnt get it.

I been black for over two decades. And never once have i been reminded that i am black
Wait, did the heiffer mean to call me a "nigger"?

Because if this truly was meant to hurt me then at least, call me outta ma name...
But i couldnt think much longer because i saw her leave,scared shitless and i realised...

Little miss heiffer was scared.
Just because i am black.
And to think i wasnt gon fight her.
But see, i had a chinese chicka in the car
that woulda tore dat ass up if the blonde acted up.

So, while i was away

nikkisab got engaged, AND married...i cant believe this...

thank God ohhh!
Afrobabe had her bday
OMG someone went on a vacation to Florida... i forget who it was and the vacation was funny somehow sha

anyway,

and i think its hit me that mona's blog is actually closed for real (well, not closed but you get the point)
thats sad... shes missed

Oh, and desperate lady's blog is now only by invite... :(
i wasnt invited :( :( :(

Oh well, hope all is well...

i'm currently in my manic blogging phase lol
look at me, blogging about other ppl's blogs lmao

My day yesterday

Its been a big chore to blog these days. I just keep waiting till there is something good to blog about. I hate recording such depressive memories. Just keep hoping there is something else... something bright,... a goddamn change! to blog about.

here is a song that helped me through today. Wish i remmembered it yesterday.



Back to how my day went yesterday...

So i decided to go back to school... for a self-preparation sort of program. My goal with this program is to regain composure, strength and my sense of self. It isnt going to give me a certificate that says i am now qualified to save the world. But it will better equip me to save myself and maintain my damn sanity. lol

Anyway, please do wish me luck as you read this.

While at the school for the registration, i saw a lady that said "Hi" to me... And for the longest time i couldnt figure out who she was. She eventually told me... She is one of Kimani's friends. We had met back in the days... when i was still with him.
We talked for a bit... and it just sort of brought back memories.

Her: oh my god, i still cant believe you two are not together anymore!
*Please note that we've been broken up since 2004 AND i have been fortunate enough to have had the pleasure of not seeing him since then*
Me: well, it had to happen.
Her: Yeah but you two were the sweetest couple! You had the best relationship!
Me: You wouldnt know. You were looking in from the outside, you couldnt see what was really going on. Not all that glitters is platinum, you know what i mean?
Her: Well, i guess so. I saw him and his brother yesterday, hes saying he has a recording contract now em>>*Oh, how i wanted to laugh. I hope she couldnt tell i almost choked on a big chuckle after that. Okay, maybe i should shut up. With the likes of the new artists that've been getting signed on lately, it seems anyone can get a recording artist. Hmm... maybe i should take Darque to a recording studio. I can call her "Lil Ruff" lmao. She'll be the first doggy rap star... any other doggy rap star after her would be a counterfeit lol. She'll give DMX a run for his money! Forget all that fake human barking he does, Darque does the real thing! lol Okay, back to my story*Me: oh, really? oh thats great
Her:And his sister, is still there, she still doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. *nothing new in that department*Me: hmm... *This was almost starting to sound like a gossip i wasnt about to get into*
Her: But she used to speak so well of you! She used to be so proud of you! Me: oh, i know...*I wanted to laugh...
Her: So what are you into these days? What are you doing here at the college?

*Okay, i know i havent shared this with blogville pps...*

Me: i had an accident in January. Life has been a rollercoaster since then.
Her: Oh, i'm so sorry ohhh
Me: Oh, dont be. That was my portion, but better days are yet to come. So anyway, i'm here to register for some self-help program i was told about.
Her: oh, see? thats what i'm talking about. I like that about you...
Me: thanks.We planned to do lunch, but it didnt happen. i wish it had. I wanted to beg her (over lunch) to keep our meeting a secret. i wanted to beg her in the name of everything she has ever known, not to tell kimani or anyone else that shes seen me. I have been lucky not to meet Kimani and his sister since '04, but sometimes i feel like i just might run out of luck someday...
I met with Kiss after; i had asked her to come pick me up or at least keep me company... see, i was at the school where i had gone to register. I was finished there but i couldnt drive out of the parking lot. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was afraid to drive. These days, i dare not drive in traffic... it scares me shitless

So she came through, and we went shopping. Found an awesome store uptown, and met with China afterwards... we had lunch, shopped at AsianCity... it was fun. Then Kiss had to leave and the night soon ended.

I drove over to see Frery, a new guy that i've been seeing for about a month.
And he pissed me off... but since i'm still upset about it i better not blog about it now... i guess that'll be the next blog.

But on my way home, my car started acting funny. First it was my CD player... just decided to shut itself off... then the lights on the dashbord started twitching (lmao mogbe ooo!)
next thing i knew, it was some signs on the dashboard. It was like the car had decided to torment me all of a sudden. I was almost home but i had to stop at a stop light. Knowing better than to stop just on the oad, i decided to make a right into the store across the street so i'd at least be parked safe in the lot. thats where my car stopped. Wouldnt turn back on.
I just left it there, went home frustrated and sad.

I got home to see Darque waiting for me... tail-a-wagging, all-a-panting... my furry little daughter, oblivious to the ridiculous night i just had, jumped on me, slobbering over me (i think shes given me a few ear infections lately from licking my ears so much :(

I got in the bed, make-up on, and prayed for tears.
I know its odd but i couldnt stand the sadness anymore.
I prayed for tears... some sort of conclusion to the misery i was feeling.
I cried, reached for "Mr. longjohn", and helped myself to climax.

Then i woke up this morning, with misery on next to me, and tears on my face. Simply continued from where we left off last night.

Oh God, my life is in your hands.

I still think of you.

I never did look down there
But something tapped my curiousity today... made me kind of wonder if it was real
Or if it was laced, garmented to brace our naivety.
Or maybe it was real... dark, wormy earth... and cold... then dark... heated with the summer frozen in winter, and thawed with the sun... all over again.
But this mind i've got. Its human.
So i wonder if you're lonely. If you'd like to come out and maybe, gossip a bit.
Yo you wouldnt believe who had a baby!
Can you believe that heiffer stuck with him?

We could've chatted,
we could've talked...
and maybe partied a few more nights.
See you with that funny tooth and those toes'a yours.
I wonder about your skin, and can never see you in your frailty.


Cuz i've got this mind... so human.
It wont let me see
the cancer-eaten being you were... scalp-full'a million barren follicles...tens of pounds of life less, so deathly underweight,i dare not see it.

This human mind of mind, would never see what you became... would never see you as bones... never admit that you're gone...

Because it isnt true.
In my mind, i still think of you.

TBS... yeah... him again

i want to blog about this joke of a man but i've got so much on my plate.

This is the hardest time of my life.

At least, as far as i can remember.

Too manyt hings to worry about.

TBS's story can wait.

Hey, you remember Mr. Firm?

And like so many things in my life right now, i find out that Mr. Firm isnt who i thought he was.

I walked into kiss's work earlier today, saw two ladies and a man sitting, there. See she works at as a customer service personnel at a local company so there are usually always people there. I thought to keep off to the side to wait till she is done work so we may leave, and heard a familiar voice say
"hey you!"
i looked up to see my one and only Mr. Firm!
Mr Firm! Do yall remember him? Does anyone?
Though somehow hidden under my pile of almost-did-but-never-really-did men, is this man i named "Firm". You may click the link below to see my earlier post of him.
http://thetruthandnothinbutthetruthshmg.blogspot.com/2007/07/so-many-moves.html

"OMG! I didnt even see you there!" its true. I didnt. If theres such thing as a tunnel vision, then i have got it. I can walk into a full of people and see no one but myself, but everything that everyone in the room had on. Ask me who was in the room and what they looked like, and i wouldnt have a clue! I didnt see mr. Firm. And what a fine piece of hunk he looked like tonught! That was odd... i never found him attractive lol
"Oh... i cant believe i'm seeing you" i continued
"what a small world" Kiss added
"I know..." Said he.
"Here's your hug!" i said as i leaned him and hugged him

He had tried coming over to visit after our last incident but i couldnt do it. Eerytime he'd plan to come, i'd agree but wouldnt answer his calls in the last minute. I was turned off... since that last incident. I didnt want anything sexual with him. But respect him, i did.

So there we were, and Kiss dropped the bomb...
"Say hi to his wife..." my brain did a backflip... did i hear this right? i looked at her as she pointed to the quiet 2000months pregnant lady behind me.
I didnt pause. How dare i?
Out of respect, out of disappointment yet feeling too sorry to burst his bubbles, i looked back, gave her the truest smile and offered her my right hand.
"oh wow, nice to meet you!"
she accepted. Smiled. She was beautiful. I tell you, some beauties need no eyes to behold them. Somehow she glowed... somehow...something within that woman... glitteed.
I turned back to him. he started to fidget. must have moved the bottle in his hands a billion and one times.

"So, how have you been?" he asked.
And for the first sexcond, iw asnt sure if that was a trick question. I could tell him i have been good till just now when i found out that i almost had sex with a married man! but i didnt think thats what he meant.
"Oh, i've been okay"
And we stopped the chat. This is the man that we would talk for hours on end... hours on fuckin end. we share secrets! LOTS! I told him so many things. One being that he has trouble with his father. And also that he was called out of the blue two years ago by his ex girllfriend that he broke up with 5 yearsbefore then to be informeed that he has a 5year old son.


But that moment, we had nothin to say.

When he left, i texted him:
"Congratulations, Double "O" Seven! Why didnt you tell me? He is beautiful!"

He replied halfa n hour later.

"Speechless but thanks. I need to invite you to the house maybe this weekend I have some explaining to do. Maybe i should call you later tonight."

Okay, WTF! By now i was startin to get pissed. Invite me over ke? Mister Fool! I just found out you are married!!!
I replied with:

"Something tells me i should be angry but instead, I'm shocked. You may call me. Coming over is out of the question. even if i cant respect her, at least i can respect myself. but I'm so happy for you. You deserve a good woman as your partner. I really hope I wasnt seeing (or whatever it was) you while you were married! lol OMG so you'll be father!Speaking of that, we have to talk (anyway, we'll talk wehn you call)".


I wonder if his wife knows he has a son.

I remember he had once told me when he went home in '06 and was introduced to a woman that his people wanted him to marry. This is now her. but then, he swore they had nothing in common and ... they are married.

I got a call fom him later and we talked. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. it makes sense to him that it was okay to attempt to have sexual relations with me because she was back home. Even though they were married. He says i didnt show him that i wanted him. And he didnt want to push it. i told him if he didnt think theres something wrong with twaht he did, then there must be something terribly wrong with one of us. Something tells me its him.

But see, thats not the point. The point is HE WAS MARRIED!

And the second point is, i never wanted to be with him... ever since he attacked my clit like it was some sort of new unwrapped bubble gum, i knew! And that day while we were in bed, i saw his body and i lost whatever ounce of attraction i had for him. And that day, i realised taht although i like matured men, i dont like to fuck older men. not anymore.

i told him i was disappointed. And i told him that i never did want him. I needed to make that clear.

I have lost all respect for other people's ideas of marriage.

Apparently, we all have different ideas of what a lifetime commitment should mean.

But do Be.

Please be.
The figment of this imagination. Almost reality but simply isnt.
The type that makes me want to squirm a ripple through my chest
extending to feel your breats
in for you. to feel my belly... lol
Oh please be.
That firm spot on my bum
as my ripple complete its form
Be the one i dream of when i roll up on that loveseat
under my comforter... hoping you'd be real.

A soft "hey babe"
Oh i got used to that. And hearing it even when i didnt ask...
LOL yeah... got used to that. And sneaking in late at night where i fell into my dreams.
A light wake up kiss. And your body joining mine.
Oh goodness. Why did i ever get used to that?
I so bad, so much, so... Now...
want that.
So be.

I'd beg you to be. But pride rules my tongue. But do.
(Please?)
BE.

I'm fresh out of nerves

You know... sometimes i try to keep the bitch in me down.

Try hard! Keep the muzzle on it ...Oh but some mofoz dont deserve that shit.

So last night i got my period. I really didnt feel like going to sleep but i know my master when it arrives. How dare i try to stay awake?
When i sleep, i feel no pain but anyhow i stay uP?! I wouldnt even dare.
Vomitting, Pacing, Excruciating pain like no other. I wouldnt even dare.

So i went to bed. At 3am.
8am my phone rings.
I didnt even have to check who it was. There is only one loser who wakes up so early on a Saturday morning to torment me.

I was angry.
No. Scratch that.
I WAS FURIOUS!

i was in pain, i was achy, i was tired, my head felt like a brick and this mouse looking bitch decides to place prank calls... i was fuckin angry!
Then he calls my home phone too.

And it was all i could do not to get a plane ticket to his city right away. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those exagerated ears of his, twist them 360(4) DEGREES, leave my paw prints on his cheeks while spitting in his eyes... pushing him to the ground, dragging him by his balls, kicking all and every single soul of harrassment out of his balls, and calling the cops to pick him up for hitting me.

I was furious.
I charged every atom of curses i could gather in my angry sleepy brain to the tip of my tongue and every anger transformed to will as i dialed his number.

But like i said.

Diek is a coward.

He never answered my call. Cell and Home.

But he didnt fail to call again 2 hours later.

I'm running out of patience. I dont know what to do. I still have the wives' address and lord knows if not for the fact that my car battery died last night (i need a boost), i would have so driven down there earlier when he called because i was so mad.

He wont stop. I know Pink gloves and a couple of others may suggest i have patience. But i know he wont stop. A sore loser never quits. He knows i have something in me. I am not ignoring him because i have nothing to say and he knows it. He knows. I am ignoring him because i dont want to be ugly about this. But he would rather get that emotion from me. Than what he is getting right now... "zero".

I have had a similar experience before. I'll share it sometime. its about kimani. If you think Diek is bad, kimani was worse. He'd push, and i'd shift. He'd push and i'd move just a little more. Till he cornered me. And i couldnt help but to fight back. Needless to say, he now knows i'm boss.

To that one lady, Thank you.

Sometimes Mama tells stories. Most times she doesnt. I guess happy stories are easier to share. Mama has very few of those as far as Dada is concerned.

So when she does share these stories, they stick.
Call them crazy glue to the basement lining of my memories, i... remember.
Like this one that i heard when i was little.

Mama, while driving us from school... told us kids... stories. And these times you'd never see her eyes. I dont think i ever saw her cry. But i know Mam's emotions flow through my ducts. I earned these tears from her. I know, she sheds in silence.

I tell you, some things just didnt make much sense.
We were young, we didnt understand. Mama lived in America for years. She went to uni in America. Mama et Dada.

Then they had some kids. And Dada was to go visit back home. And he did.
Then Mama got the mail.

"Some woman wrote me a letter, asking me if its true that he had divorced me!" its (un)funny how shes able to yell it out to us (sometimes). Yet when she hurts, does it oh so quietly.

In an attempt to ensure she would be married to a single man, this lady wrote her a letter to confirm that he had been divorced as he had claimed.
She snooped, got Mama's address, and sent the letter.
I admire her. Back then most women wouldnt care. Even now, some wouldnt. Culture is just an excuse. Truth is, some people just dont ever have the courage to demand better.

Needless to say, they were still married.

"I moved back home immediately. They had almost had the wedding, plannings and everything!"

Thats how she ended up back home.

Years later, somewhere... Dada got his dream. He found a woman who didnt care. She along with her one daughter and a pregnant belly, moved into our home. But Mama sensed it coming. You can take a bitch out of a hood but never a hood out dat bitch.


She had moved back overseas before she arrived.


I want to be that woman.
I want to be the one to tell another...
I would want to be told.
I would want to be informed.

But lord knows its been stressful trying to get a hold of Mrs. Stella Diek.

She never answers the phone. And so, i stopped calling.

And Diek? I stopped caring. Truth is, i hardly ever did. Which is why i was not hurt. I forget about him till friends mention him. Or till i log on to blogville and see his name... or till he calls.

But it must hurt to lose. Or it must suck to be ignored.
He had been trying to contact me on msn and i really didnt know what to say so i just leave him be. But instead, he decided to start calling me continuously.
8,4,3, 10 times a day.

Once i answered and said "Hello" only for him to say "Hi Truth, how are you?"
I hung up. What am i supposed to say? I dont know! Where is the conversation to go? How are you am okay how are you oh am okay too so what are you doing oh nothing so what are you doing oh nothing... LIKE!!! SERIOUSLY!
So, thats why i hung up.

And he resumed calling... always with blocked numbers. And when i answer (hardly do), he doesnt say a word.
A coward cant ever own up.
So i usually dont pick up. And when i cant stand it anymore, i do pick up and just leave the receiver on the table so he can hang up when he is tired of being a Diek.

To Catch a Lying Diek (2)

"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"

"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"


He sprang up like the bed had fired him up. Paced around in the room for a minute before finding his voice:
"How did you know?"
"Why didn't you tell me about them?" i didn't wait fr a response because really, it didn't matter "I TOLD you i didn't care if you had kids! couldn't you have at least been honest with me about that?"
Here comes his mini-discovery moment! Finally his brain was coming to... "OH! did you look through my flash drive?"
I hadn't. Lord knows what else i would have found there.
"Your Flash drive? no actually i didn't. SHOULD i have looked in there?"
"You must have looked through my computer"
"Well, you keep wondering how i found out, and I'll keep knowing how i found out."
I turned away, did some of my paper work as he dealt with his confusion. It got really quiet. He was thinking. And like he had finally found sobriety, he said:
"Come here..." in the softest way i had ever heard him speak. But softness was not what i was looking for right then. Fuck the mother of softness. I dashed him a "nigga, you cant be serious" look, burning shame down his spine. He backed away, thinking. Okay, now it was time for me to phuk him up. Its simple: I have enough shit on him to live off for a year. Anyhow he says he doesn't want to fly me back home, I'll simply book myself an executive flight with his VISA number and call his parents back home to let them know just how much funds he shells out for females to come see his married ass in his make-shift home. Really, it was that simple.
I was about to say something. I was about to hit him real hard. I was SO sure the fool would try to phuk me up. But i didn't expect this:
"Truth? I am so sorry." softly "So so sorry that i hurt you"
HURT. That word didn't meet its match in me. "Hurt"? No. I couldn't find it in myself. I didn't know why, but there was this nagging feeling of relief, and not one drop of pain or hurt. I wanted to be angry. But i wasn't. I wanted to be hurt, but i wasn't. I wanted to be disappointed, but i wasn't. Bloggers, i was in another girl's body. Anger betrayed me at the one time that i needed it the most; took a drastic break from me right then. I was not hurt. Neither could i be angry. I told myself it might be because my anger was on vacation till he starts to try to act up by telling me that he wont book my flight. I settled for that. Okay, maybe i wont be angry till then.
I smiled "Diek, you didn't hurt me. And for some reason, I'm not angry. So you don't have to be sorry for hurting me. I am not hurt."
He pulled closer "See, this is what draws me to you." He looked so wrong. Like he had been caught doing a goat, like he had been found guilty, he looked so wrong. i looked up at him. For one second i was sure he was on crack, but even that certainty didn't prepare me for this as i asked him:

DENIAL
"Why didn't you tell me you had a son?"
"I didn't have a son when you asked me"
okay, now i was a tab bit angry. This motherEffer didnt jut try to justify that shit
"Wait, so your conscience allows you to tell a person that you didn't have a child even though your child's birth was only a month away? Even though his heart had been beating for SEVEN whole months?! YOUR CONSCIENCE is THAT SKEWED THAT YOU CAN TELL A PERSON THAT WITHOUT BEING burchered to death with GUILT?!"
No answer. Of course. Why would he answer?
"Truth, you will always have a special place in my heart. I have so much love for you. I don't want it to end this way."
"A place in your heart? Right next to your wife and kids?"

BARGANING
Okay, then out of a funky blue:
"Would you marry me?"
I thought i had heard wrong. I looked on his face and got a confirmation. My ears weren't playing tricks on me. This idiot had seriously asked me that. And bloggers, i tell you this is the one moment i wish i could change that night. The moment that i answered the DUMBEST, most IRRATIONAL, question ever:
"NO! marry you ke? Are you out of your mind?"

Dumbest thing i ever said. I mean, if someone would have askd me "Truth, what is the sum of 1 and 1?" i would say "you're insulting my in telligence" if smeone was to ask me "Is the sky blue?"
I would say "Are you breathing"
Likewise, i don't understand why i actually answered his question. I felt so stupid. such silly questions don't deserve answers AT ALL!
He looked disappointed (can you imagine? what was he expecting?) as he looked away.

ANGER
There was a long moment of silence. Then came his unjust anger.
"But you shouldnt have looked through my computer now.." My eyes bulged out so quick "... that is invasion of privacy"
I wanted to slap him.
"INVASION OF PRIVACY??? INVASION? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT INVASION? OHHHH.... YOU SEE WHY SOME FEmAlES ARE BITCHES? BECAUSE SOME MEN DON'T R\DESERVE ANYTHING BUT TO GET BITCHED AT~ YOU FOOL! JUST BECAUSE I AM STILL HERE TALKING TO YOUR SORRY ASS YOU THINK YOU CAN FLIP THIS THING ON ME? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? OHHHHHHHH... SO BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE ME GETTING ALL IRATE AND FUCKIN EVERY SINGLE SHIT YOU GOT UP, YOU THINK YOU CAN... YOU KNOW WHAT?" I was so sure this shit was bout to turn inside out "anyway, you better just get me a flight home."
I didn't expect this:
"Okay"
Oh... i was expecting the goat to tell me he wont and try to kick me out of his house or something. Hmm... well,... i didn't expect it to run so smooth. He booked me the morning flight.
"I am so sorry. I hope this wont ruin things between us".
"Things? What things?"
He didn't answer.
I wanted to pee so bad, but i couldn't get up. I didn't trust him one bit. I fell asleep thinking.
I woke up in the morning to see he was already up and about to go shower. it was 5:40am. My flight was to be in an hour. He got out of the shower in about 20minutes. I heard his roommate get in right after him. I looked at the time.
At 6:20 the washroom finally became free. Well, the heifer knew i would need to shower before hugging the washroom for 20 minutes. And heaven knows heres NO WAY i was about to leave that city without freshening up. I packed my wallet with me as i headed for the shower. If he would have left the house without me, at least i would have his banking information in my wallet to use to book another flight and of course, to call a cab too.
I finished at 6:45. Yes, same time my flight was leaving.
We got in the car.

DEPRESSION
"I think you're going to miss your flight"
"I better not miss it"
"Look at the time, i think you already missed it"
"Well, i dont know what you expect me to say. All i know is i'm going home today"
He drove quietly.

When we got there, we were told that we had missed the flight. The ticket was $230. And also non refundable. The clerk at the airport said
"You can book a seat on the next flight. It would cost you an additional $200."
I replied "OKAY"
Turned to Diek.
He didn't dare look at me. He paid.

I got my ticket, turned around, a "bye" and left.

I got back to the city, relieved and a little surprised. I didn't expect things to go the way they did.
Later that evening i got a call. Mr. Diek was calling. I was at China's house so i asked her if she knew how to sing, she was surprised. I told her who it was that was calling and she agreed to sing to him on the phone. At this point, i didn't want any thing to do with him. I gave the phone to her.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to youuuu happy birthday to you" and she hung up.
We had a good laugh after that one. He called back again.
SHe picked it up
"We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmass..." and she hung up.

He didn't call back for a few days after then. Then he started calling private. Now, he didn't speak. He would just hang up whenever I'd pick it up.
Even till this morning. He is yet to reach acceptance.

I have been calling his wife's number. Their home number. I have called private and even with other numbers. Not once have i had anyone answer my call. I wonder if the wife is away. I'm THIS close to calling his mother back home but whats the point in that?
Till this day, I'm not angry. I hate this sort of serenity because, i do want to be angry. But i am not.

Yesterday, he called me with his number visible (as opposed to the other times when he calls private)and asked me the silliest question ever (oh wait... scratch that). He asked "DO you remember how much the flight cost?"
I thought he was high
"Why would I remember? Arent you the one who paid for it? Why not check your records? why are you asking me?"
WIth that said, he hung up.
I thought about calling him back to curse his forefathers. But then again, thats what he would want; my attention. I know it kills him to know that i dont give a shit. And i know that hes stuck at Anger. Someday, he'll cross over that hill and make it to Acceptance.
Asshole.


My people, feel free to share your take on this... What would you have done? Or better yet, what do you wish you would have done or think that you should do?

To Catch a Lying-Diek (1)

WARNING: My blogville people, please ensure you're seated because i cant be held responsible if you get syncopic from reading this story.

Okay, so i was happy to leave on Saturday night to go see my new boyfie... it was exciting! I'd be taking a 4.5hour flight. He got the ticket, cost 220bucks, and emailed the information to me so i was able to print it. I got to the airport late but thank goodness that my flight was delayed. I arrived in his city, and called him, he met me at the airport 10minutes after my arrival.

"HI!"
"You had me waiting too long. Please dont let that repeat itself."He held me... "I'm so sorry."
We went into his car, he drove there. For some reason, this trip seemed to be like a dejavu... i didnt understand why, but i do now. I didnt know then, but i had been there before. My blogville people, stay with me on this...

So, there i was with this man that is my new man. i needed something from him. I wasnt physically crazy about him, but i wanted to have sex with him (kind of hard not to seince we've talked about sex so often!) but most importantly, i wanted that "ish' factor... his drive, he truly is gifted, and iwanted a piece of that. Yeah, i said wanted... i guess by now, you've figured it out.

I went into his home, went into his room... there, as he had told me, was his furniture-less room. He had warned me that he didnt have but an airbed since he just moved there, he asked if i wanted him to purchase a bed before I got there and i had told him i didnt care. I didnt. I've slept with my b-fies on worse than airbeds. As materialistic as i am, i can also be so... sayy... thrifty(?)... i have suffered with men, and so have i enjoyed with them.

Anyway, so we slept...NOT! We kissed, and kissed, and kissssed...made out lots, decided he wanted to do the do so he had asked if i had brought condoms (i'd said i would buy some), i told him i hadnt and he didnt try hard enough to hide his disappointment. He wanted to do the do without it. That raised all the flags in my cerebellum as i whimpered the little words i had left in me:
"What? you would have sex just like that? you would have sex with me without a condom?" He looked confused.
"What if i had something? i mean,... what if you do? i mean... dont you love yourself?"
"No, i was only kidding, I wasnt going to ..."By this time, i had gotten scared shitless. I had made the wrong turn. I wanted the city to spit me right back into my rightful home. I knew something was up. My people, please know this:


IF ANYONE IS WILLING TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH YOU THOUGH THEY HARDLY KNOW YOU, PLEASE, MAKE LIKE THERES A FIRE ON YOUR TAIL AND RUN, RUN, RUN...


My heart was hurt and my sense of security with this man, destroyed. I was with the wrongest person, in his bed, in his home, in his city, in his state... i wanted so bad, to be wrong. But i wasnt. Then he asked if i would go down on him! My people, some people LOve giving oral, i LOve receiving them. My oral cavity is quite petite, i dont do well with oral so accordingly, i said no. He asked if he could go down on me and i said "NO!" ,... at this point, i was scared to do anything sexual with him. So he started to play with himself and lord knows, that turns me MIGHTY on, so i siad, "Do you mind if i watch?"
"Watch? No, i dont mind" And watch i did.
"Well, i'll do you one better, i'll play with myself too"
This is a major turn on for me. Its hot to play with yourselves, watching each other. So, anyway, i decided to feel him... and feel i did.
I couldnt believe it. This man had bragged about his size, hence the name "Diek"! I remember him saying "My dick this, my dick that, my dick this and a whole bunch of that..." So i had asked him back then (since it seemed like he wanted me to ask so bad) "Diek, how big is your dick?"
"oh, its big. 8 inches"My brows spelt a big M as i asked... "EIGHT?"
"Yes, eight" He responded proudly
"Isnt that the regular size?"He looked puzzled "No! thats quite big!"Okay, its either i'd been lucky with most of my men, or this man is in some sad denial...
Okay, fast forward... yeah, him and i in the inflated bed, my fingers on my vaginity, other hand on his ... well, his.. snake. yes, snake. snake! You know one of those baby snakes??? I mean one of those BIC-pen looking ones... i didnt know if to stroke it up and down or to detach it to write a letter with!

I have decided, lord better give me a small fat dick instead of a long skinny one anyday because if i end up with a skinny one, i'll be bitter. Yes, that is my new petpeeve,: skinny pencil-like dicks!


The next day he claimed he wanted to go to church. He asked if i wanted to come but he didndt really ask...
"You want to come? but you dfont have to come if you dont want to."There are many times God wants me to go to church, but that wasnt one of the times. I was meant to stay home, besides, Diek obviously didnt really want me to come.

I stayed. He called me shortly after to ask for the directions to the church, he couldnt find the church. He ended up not finding it and decided he would com eback home. -

I went on his laptop after he left. I wanted to blog but i was scared. What if he traced my blog? My annonimyty is REALLY important to me. How do you speak Truth, if you know people are watching?

I went online, and then decided to check if he has some pictures on his PC. I saw one named "Pic"...
Ohhhh! This looks cool, what do we have here? Annnnddd! CLICK!
Who is this? shes cute... whats with her? she seems to have lots of pictures on here...must be an ex? maybe? Might be the one he said he was with 8 months ago...
He said the last time he had sex was 8months ago. He told me that in October. He also told me that on saturday. My blogville people, stay with me on this one...

So i decided to check if he was other albums...
ohhhh... this one is named... named... n-n-nn-nnnna-me-ddd...

My mind-jaw dropped. I needed a hand to hold me from falling, though i was seated, i was collapsing from shock.

"MY SON"
Two words, 7 letters, one space, and a big ol lie, found.

My mind trailed back to the first time we spoke... His words sounded like the soundtracks of my discovery moment as i recalled...
"Do you have any kids?" I had asked first.
"No." Two words, not stiffled, not screamed, not forced. Two simply spoken words.
"Do you have any children?" He asked. I laughed. I always find it funny when people ask me that. That question always reminds me that i am speaking with a stranger, someone who hasnt gotten to learn that i am anti-children-of-my-own.
"no, i dont have any. But i have dated men with kids. I dont mind men with kids." I always make sure to add that because its true. I dont.

So then, if that had been the trail of our convo, what was this file that i was about to ...CLICK!
And there it was, loads of pictures, same girl,only about 100pounds heavier... Same man, only looking about a lot more proud, and another soul... some innocent looking baby who resembled him, unfortunately for that poor boy. A beautiful mother, a father like him, yet he had to look like his father. The resemblance was outrageous.

At this point, i got into my proactive mode. I sent those pics to my email and friends, along with pics of his girl, i check further more and found TONS of information on his laptop:
Hotmail conversations with me, my double IDs, and tons of other females,... his wife (yes, wife)'s phone number, address, his mother and familiy's contact information, his social identification code, his business information (for his business account), his incometax information, his everything!
It wasnt until after i was done that i realised, he still had not returned! He had called me like an hour and a half ago to tell me he would be back in 15minutes! But snoopery wouldnt let me call him to hurry him up. I needed time, so i didnt bother calling him. By the time he had returned, i was done with all the transfers. I had enough information to send him to Lucifer's anus.

When he returned, he seemed so upset that he didnt find the church. Hypocritical son of a goose! How dare he even dare to step foot in a church? But,...i tried to keep my cool. I have to be smart, i have to get a return ticket home. We flirted, kised, i scolded him for being late since i had to make it look real. He asked if i wanted to go to a hotel for the night to be comfortable because all he had was an airbed. This is thesame man that had tried to convince me not to stay in ahotel before. I think he just wanted to have a place to go all wild. He was so sure he was getting some nookie. Oh well, we can all dream. He asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and i agreed, he claimed we would have to take the bus since he had already returned his rental car.
"Oh! I see... well, then have fun eating out!"
"What? you're not coming?"
"Not without a car. I didnt come to another man's state only to have to haul around in a bus, if you didnt have a ride for me, you should have told me. I would have stayed in my home!" "Seriously?" He looked usprised.
"Um, yeah! So, im staying right here and if starvation is my fate in this spoit taht i'm staying at, then so be it!""i was just trying to test you. The car is outside, lets go"
I was furous. Never test fire, it just might burn you.

"Diek!"
"Yes?"
"Do i look like one of your little persona-falsifying females that you usually come in contact with?"
"What do you mean? I was only joking nowww"
"No seriously! Joke with kids! I dont deal in children! If you want a female you can test, either get yourself a litmus paper, or get yourself one of your regulars!"
I was angry. But i think at that moment, i was being vulnerable. I was too easy to read. I needed to compose myself better. I told myself "STOP IT WOMAN!" ... and...

We went out to eat and flirted. He was my man, and i was his woman.

When we were going back, i appologised for not having the condoms that i had planned to bring him. I also appologised for not bringing the sex toy i had planned to buy him. The only reason i didnt but these things was because i had no time and besides, i had too many stuff in my bag. So i asked him../
"Lets go to a sex store and pick those stuff up."
But he didnt want to...
"no, i dont need them now"
I see, so not only are you a liar, you are also cheap. I know his type. He thinks i wanted him to pay for those sex items, truth is, i didnt. I was going to pay for them, but i let his foolish brains fool him.But it hought to ask
"Why dont you want it now? i mean, you were so excited to have it before"He didnt really give me an answer. Anyway... i already knew he was a snake, ... time for the kill.

When we got to his house, he asked again if i wanted a hotel and my people, i wpuld have agreed. BUT! I knew i could go to the hotel with him but i couldnt sex him. If i dont sex him, he might want to leave me at the hotel. I had to be smart about this. At his home, he cant forcefully push me out. Truth is, i can physically handle him. If i wanted to hold him down and make him beg for his dear life, i could have. But i wanted to be graceful, like the swan i can sometimes pretend to be lol.



"No, lets stay here." So we stayed.

Just then, i got a text from Nat
"Dont tell him, and whatever you do, dont act like anything is wrong, just go with the flow till you get your return ticket."
But by then, i was just so angry! Going with the flow would mean he would succeed at this! I couldnt do it! I wasnt about to keep beating myself up inside for someone else's sins! I called him to my side:
"Come here baby..." oh, so sensually
and like a little mouse after some cheese, he came.
"Lay with me here..." we laid on the bed. I pulled him closer so that his face was only a feel's length away... i whispered...
"Baby, do you believe in God?"
"Yes."
"How much?"He looked confused, and horny.
"Alot. I cant put a numerical value on it."In the background played the melody his roommate was making with his knife and cutting board.
"shhh... do you hear that?"
"what?"
"That sound... outside... in the kitchen..."
"YEah?"
"How much do you believe that that sound exists?"
"100%"
"Okay, so... baby?"
"Yeah?"
"How much do you believe in God?"
"100%"I smiled. Impressive. Good answer.
"So, do you believe in Karma?"
"Well, sort of" his face made a U-turn at horny, turned right and partked on confusion street.
"You know, theres been times when i have experienced some dreadful episodes in the past but couldnt cry about them...because i knew that i deserved them. And then theres been other times that i had known that though i was dealt some sore cards, the circle had only begun because Karma was going to get whoever did me wrong... those times, i knew i didnt deserve to go through that... "He looked like a reindeer in easter...lost.
"Okay, so riddle me this... why didnt you tell me you had a son?"You could have fit a whole house in his nostrils, they flared so high.
"...oh and... how is Mrs. Sara Diek?"


>>>TO BE CONTINUED<<<

Introducing... Mr. Deik

I had told myself it would never happen. I had said that i would never do it. And in my defense, it really wasnt what i was expecting. I had simply logged on, hoping to get away from this life.
... logged on to the e-world ...
typed it out... 1234chatwithwhoever.com andddd... ENTER!

Name? username? hmm.. how about "Truthurts" andddd... ENTER!

I looked around the room, checked on the list... no one i really recognized. So, i chatted away... about absolutely nothing. We talked about my fav, topics; Equality, Societal gender stereotypes, Sex and the likes...

OH! what is this! A private message? i'm feeling a little nice today so i'll respond.
"Hi"
"How are you?"
"Fine"
"Where are you chatting from?"
"Bruhal" i lied "and you?"
"I'm in Bruhal too!"
We talked for a while and exchanged IMaddresses.
I added him instantly.

We talked, and i realised we had similar backgrounds. WHen he said he was Yoruba, i wanted to scream! Oh NO! Not another small dickie! okay, i'm sorry, i really am. The one and only yoruba man i dated had a pinky for a penis. It was sad. so excuse my fret!

But i'm not the easiest person to deal with. I am quite unconventional and he seemed to be traditional. I have always said that i can never be submissive to anything that does not honor me. Accordingly, i simply handpick the qualities within my culture/society that does that. Somebody shoot me for wanting the bes for myself... because that is all i want from this life.

So needless to say, Deik and i had quite a few clashes. We wuld talk for a bit and then stop communitating. Off and on.. just like that. Besides, I was in love with the act of another man at the time. And even after i fell out of love with that "play", i became wise, and hurt. I needed time to heal.

That was in October.
This is now.

In January, Deik and I decided to meet. He was to come over to my place. By then had already came clean to him about where i lived. He drove 50minutes to my place since i live out of the city. When he arrived, he called me
"Oh, are you outside?"
"yeah."
"Okay, i'll be out in a minute"
"Hurry oh! Because i have to use the bathroom"
LMAO my ppl! isnt that the oldest trick in the bookQ! so i replied
"No problem, i'll hurry out so we can get to the cafe so you could use the bathroom"

WHen i met him downstairs i thought he looked TOTALLY diferent from what i had pictured. He was MUCH smaller in weight and just as short. He had warned me about his height, so i was grateful for that. ABout 5'8... i wanted to laugh when he came to open my door, only for me to stand about same height as him. I hadnt dated a short man in a long time. This would take some getting used to.

Needless to say, by the time we got to the restaurant he said he didnt need to pee anymore. I wonder why...

We've been talking since then. With everything that i had been going through recetly, he had just been so suppportive, and encouraging. I thank God for everything.

Then came the questions "I would like to have a commited relationship with you"
jesus!
Okay, my people... let me explain it like this... COMMITMENTS GIVE ME THE JITTERS! I don know what it is about commiting to one person that makes me so nervous, and anxious! I LOVE dating, so when i get caught up in a position where a man wants to take it further, i get so nervous! i mean... does this mean i have to stop seeing other men?! what if i dont like him anymore but dont want to break up with him because i'm emotionally attached to him?! What if he starts thinkingthat maybe he would like to get married and i'm still not ready?! What if he has STDs?! What if, what if, what iffffssssss!!!

"UM... Truth? are you still there?"
".. hhyeahh.. um... Deik, i;m going through some hard times right now... can we discuss this when i get these isues resolved?"
"Sure"

He gave me a three-day break and asked again. This time, he caught me in a bad mood.
"You know what! dont want a relationship right now! i dont! besides, when and if i'm ready for one, you'll know. i need time to think, let me call you back"

We didnt talk for two days. I thought he would never call. I was glad when he did.

We've been talking since. The sexual tension between us is almost unbearable. He has come to visit thrice. The last time, he grilled me some shrimps... and lord knows the one sure-fire way to my heart is through my stomach. lol.

Hes met Darque and they seme to get along. This is important to me because i dont think i can be with a man who doesnt like dogs. not at this point.
A week ago, he had to move three states away. He is a contract lecturer and will be gone for six months. Hes only been gone a week... but lord knows i miss him. Tonight, i'll be flying over to see him. He found a place where he is, but has no furnitures yet... he also has a room mate.

I have tried to ignore him a bit and i hate to depict myself as this helpless being but truth is, i think i want him to hold my hand. He inspires me to grow, to do things that i havent been able to do. I want to steal a hint of his drive...
oh, and i want a piece of his dick.


This is my prayer:
Lord, you know how psychotically attached i get to my partners when i get in relationships. If this man isnt right for me... let me not go over to his place because i dont need another mistake of a man in my life at this point.

Okay, as i promised myself, i will compare him to my 10 commandments rule!
1.Never Settle: oh lord, this is harder than i presumed. I dont think i'm settling... am i? people, is the fact that hes shorter than i would have preffered settling?

2.Only those who encourages your dreams: Amen!

3.No discrimination: N/A

4.Honor with truth: I have failed this woefully! Okay, so remember i met Deik online, well the next day i talked to him, we had a misunderstanding and we didnt talk for a while. I went back to that chatroom with a different name only for thesame Deik to start chatting with me. Curious to know what he would say to this new character of mine, i told him a different name. Unfortunately, he had another argument with that other character of mine... and they stopped talking (permanently). I never told him about this. A week later, thesame thing happpened. this time, i had a third name. I got sick of him and ended up deleting his numbers because i got the feeling he was doing that with every girl in that room. I've decideed to confront him about this, when i go to see him tonight.

5.Put thee first: amen to this! its been my motto for as long as i can remember.

6.Healthy men only: He isnt combative (though he likes to tease), he doesnt smoke neither does he drink. For the most part, he d\seems healthy but hes so dedicated to his career... thats not always a good thing.

7. Hes got his own business and is educated. Currently at the Masters level.

8.Pride: Being the tradiional man that he is, he tends to just swallow his pride in some cases... other times, he can be sort of proud. Hard to explain

9.Nothing but adoration: amen!

10.Love thyself: always!

Mr. Brace

I remember meeting him at this one club. That night, the club was packed. And i must say, the music was SOOO live! We danced and i couldnt help but to fall in love with him. I love it when a man can dance!

So i gave him my number. He looked yonger, but i thought i'd worry about that later.


He said his name was Brace. He worked security at the local supermarket... to say didnt like him would be to lie. I liked his personality. He was mighty reserved. never the type to raise his voice. The type that just never seemed to fret about anything.

So, how old are you, Brace?
"I'm 23"

hmm... too young.
But i tried. I kept him around for a while. i would have kept him around for longer. I would have loved to take it further. but i couldnt get past my discrimination.
I could never date a younger man.
Soon the calls trailed... one day, two day, a year...

I went out to get some groceries, left Darque in the car so i knew i had to hurry. Walked into the store, looked up. There about 30 feet away from me, stood a security guard. I wondered why he was staring at me so hard. Hmm... i looked up and him and it was like neither one of us was going to look away. Eventually, i decided to say hi
"hi!"
"hi, whats up?"
i didnt respond. Mission accomplished. He had stopped gawking.

Came back to the cash register before i realised who it was.
"Did you use to live in Maguratan?"
i looked at him... holy smokes!
"Yeah! oh my! i didnt know it was you! what was your name again?"
"Brace"
"righhttt! woow, nice to see you again"
we talked for a while and i took his number.
Awesome guy. Gentle hearted thug.

I cant wait to talk to him... we can catch up. But i know nothing romantic will come out of it.

How to be sick

I just got home from an outing with the girls; Bra, China, and Caty. So! I had just gotten my car the day before (yeah, congratulations to me!) but hmm... well, Pipi had asked if i could drive both her and Bra over to the bar we were going to for the night. They knew that i had gotten the car, they knew that it was a shift (stick, manual, standard), they also knew that i had never owned a shift car... (okay my Blogville ppl, follow me on this!)

So what business was there of mine with a manual car???
WELL! I FELL IN LOVE! I FELL IN LOVE WITH A CAR THAT IS MANUAL AND DECIDED TO LEARN TO DRIVE MANUAL`!

Some of you may know that i have been going through some tough times lately, well those times got even tougher when i decided to buy a car that i love and not one that i could drive. Stupid? yes. Real? also, yes.

Deep inside this soul of mine is a really irrational too-damn-spontaneous-for-her-own-good chic that tends to do things just because she thinks she can. Well, its certainly made a Uturn to bite a chunck off my bottom!

So anyway, i got to their house and thankfully, Bra had driven over to Pipi's house making it much easier. Foxy was to meet us there. I got to Pipi's house, barely! While driving on the freeway, i was fine. But on the streets?! Oh my goodness! Stopping at the lights meant hell because once it turns green and i had to move, it would take me years and a lot of stuggle! anyway, i managed to keep the engine going till i got to Pipi's driveway.

So i went in, got ready. Got in the car... started driving...
China: are you okay?
Truth: yeah, just learnt how to drive yesterday... (i should have stopped here but...) yeah, i learnt it in one and a half hours.
Bra (eyes bulging): WHATTTT!!okay, i'll try not to freak
China: well, she drove here so she should be okay.

And i was, till i got to a hill! It was at a stop light so i had to stop. Now if any readers out there drives stick, you'll know that going up a hill is tricky and stopping at one is even tricky-er! Once you try to drive, the car slides backward toward the bottom of the hill! Oh lawd, so anyway, i put my hazard signals on hoping that the car behind me would move so i wouldnt reverse into it. For what seemed like eternity, the driver wouldnt budge. we were at a stop light on a busy street. Eventually, he moved, blaring his horn at me like it was his abosolute revenge! But even after he left, i couldnt get the car to stop rolling back. So i turned it off.

The girls were panicking.
Bra called her boyfie
Bra: babe! can you teach Truth how to drive a manual?
China was in the backseat, cracking up
Bra:no, i mean... now! We're on Bunir street, at a stop light, and she cant drive it.

Eventually, Bra's boyfie decided he'll come down to meet us. he would drive down with his car (automatic) that way,we could switch cars. I would drive his auto and he, my manual.It was the perfect plan for the stupidest situation. Until the cops arrived.

Once we saw them, i knew we had to make something up.
i turned to the girls "Okay, tell them i'm sick!"
Bra: yeah, tell them you feel like vomiting!
Cop 1 came up to the window: Is everything alright, ladies?
Truth: (pretending to be sick) i.. feel... like so nauseous
Cop 1: oh, you shouldnt be driving then... do you need an ambulance?
Ambu-whaaa! I dont want an ambulance! What if they find out theres nothing wrong with me! I just want to go out and party for my birthday cotdanggit!!! but i had to pretend, so...
Truth: yeah, i need gravol

And so an ambulance was called. In the meantime, i pretended i was going to throw up while Bra rubbed my back. It was the funniest thing ever. We were there for an hour. Caty showed up, i looked up at her and cursed her under my breath for not keeping a straight face. They couldnt tell, but i knew her heart was tearing up with laughter because she knew i was pretending. Bra called her boyfie and told him about the lie. the ambulance and paramedics showed up. If they assessed me, i would have to go to the hospital. HELL NAW! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIRTHDAY OUTING!!! I DONT WANT TO SPEND IT IN SOME HOSPITAL!!!

They asked me if i wanted an assessment and i refused, I reassured them that i would go to the local pharmacy to pick up some gravol. Bra's boyfie got in my car while Bra took his. As we were driving, the cops followed us for a while but they eventually left. So, Bra's boyfie and i got to talking and supposedly, i had been using the wrong gears! On the freeway, i was using gear2! and on the regular streets, i was on gear 1! Okay, lesson learned!

The girls and i had a good laugh about the acting we did. LOL! Life is so funny.
We went out to a bar, had a blast. One of the best times i have ever had. HAD A BLAST! Mr. Diek called but i didnt get to speak with him, called him when i got home, but he was already asleep i think... oh wait... backup! I havent even bloged about Mr. Diek!

Okay, i'm too tired now but i'll blog about him tomorrow or something. I'm crashing at Pipi's house, too tired to drive home!

Had a blast last night! Thank God for everything!