I dont think you're a virgin anymore...

Exactly a week after i had been seeing Chad,
we followed thesame routine.
He picked me up from home at 1pm
it was a saturday
his mom wasnt home, so it was absolutely perfect!

The truth is, i really hate going there when shes home
i felt she'd know that i was much younger and
she couldnt possibly be happy with her son for being with a girl so young, right?
s everytime i saw her, i'd say hi, and quickly exited her presence.

We got there, and went to the second floor of the house.
On the second floor, there was a family room. It was pretty nice up there.
Quiet, clean and damn near empty if not for the loveseat, couch and fireplace thats there.
He lit the fire.
I layed next to the fire, watching it. like that was his cue, he came up behind me. Sniffed my next, and began kissing it.
He went further down, kissing my back, laying on my back.
I wasnt suprised to feel his dick poking at me... it doesnt take much to get him hard. Matter of fact, it takes very little.
He took my pants off,
took my thong off,
and spooned me.
Gently, he began teasing himself, pushing his dick closer, and closer to my butt.
lol really, is this man serious? I tightened my butt and puched him off...

He laughed... we joked... it got quiet again as the jokes died down and i continued to watch the firelight... so beautiful.

Never knew fire can be so pretty... the blue flares, consistently overthrown by the orange, and the yellow, mediating... it was beautiful... like a fashion show of colourful models... i have such a weird imagination...

and i probably woud've kept dreaming if i hadnt realised that Chad was back in his spooning position, this time, ticking my vagina with his dick.
I didnt mind.
it felt good.
He pushed it in a bit
i flinched
and he groaned.
like the day before, and the day bfore and the day before and the day before and the day before that
We played this teasing game everyday so i was used to it
but i shouldnt have been suprised.
You can only play for so long... before...

"Oh, you know what?"
i replied, softly, halfway between a moan... "whaaaat"
"I dont think you're a virgin anymore"
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!???!!!
he paused, seeing the fire in my eyes, i think he knew he better think twice before repeating the phrase...
"I.. i .. i just... it was in... i dont think you're a virgin anymore"

i know this sounds stupid. i know it does, but i was cheesed.

My first time was to be when i'm 18, on my graduation night, with my 18 YEAR OLD boyfriend, that i'd been dating for over a year, who'd also be in thesame school as me!!!BUT INSTEAD, I'M HERE, WITH AN OLDER MAN (still didnt know exactly how old just yet) ON A SILLY DAY, ONLY 16!! WTFFF!
THIS ISNT MY DREAM!!!

i got up like i was being chased! slid my clothes on in a hurry, fought back the tears, lost that fight as i commanded...
"DROP ME HOME"
"i'm sorry"
"JUST! drop me home"

he did.



I got home, slid into my house, saw my mom and wondered if she could tell i was different. She couldnt! WHEW! thank GOD i dont have "RECENTLY DISVIRGINED" written on my forehead!
i went upsatirs to my room and called my friend Ama.

"hello, Ama?"
"hey Truth!"
"hey wassup?"
"nothing..."
"guess what happened!"
"what?"
.....
....
,...
"um... i bought a new pair of pedal pushers!"
"really? what colour are they?"


............
i talked to Ama about everything BUT what happened at Chad's house.
If i'd told Ama, she would've ridiculed me. She was the "i'm not having sex till i get married" type. I didnt want anyone to preach to me. If i had told her, she would've told her extremely close best friend- Peaches. They would've gossiped about me. I didnt want anyone of them talking about me. So i kept it in from them.
I later found out, that Ama was a lesbian.
I later found out, Peaches was her girlfriend.
I should've known. I'd known them both for 10 years, and in those ten years, neither one of them had ever had boyfriends. Neither one of them, had ever proclained infatuation with anyone of the opposite sex. They followed each other everywhere. Did everything together. Mind you, these were extremely gourgeous babes. I should've known. (more about Peaches and Ama later)

The next day, I went over to China's house. I told her, she gasped, laughed, and asked a million questions. She then persuaded me to tell Nikki the next day at school. When i did, they both had a few laughs, and about 10 million more questions.

Thats how i lost my virginity.
I saw Chad for 5 more months after then.

Chad Episodes 1

The day i gave in, ...

Time: sometime in the evening
Venue: Chad's mom's house; bathroom
Who: Chad and I
What: Urinnointing
Why: To fufil his sick fantasy

He got in the tub, and knelt down. This man, was tall, so it was a little awkward...
"so what do i do now?" I think i was suppose to take the dominating role. i was suppose to say "bitch get in dat tub and kneel the fuk down! bow ur head! dont you dare look at me! I'm going to give you what you deserve for making me cum! Who gave you da right to make me cum??!"

But i was new at this... so i asked him " so what do i do now?"
"take your clothes off and get in the tub"
i took my panties off, slid my skirt off, and got into the tub. i hovered over him, placing my feet at the edges of the tub so that he was between my legs. I looked down at him. There he was with his big booty, kneeling down, head bowed- a chocolate skinned-freak. A grown man, waiting to be peed on.
i stayed there- couldnt believe i was actually going to do this. I waited just in case he'd change his mind.
"should i go now?"
"ya"
"are you sure?"
"ya, go!" he sunded so impatient. Like a dog craving a bone, he craved it!
"ok..." tinkle tinkle "here i go" tinkle tinkle

heard him moan, heard him groan, heard him go "ohhhhh" and "hmmmm".
i couldnt believe it. i looked away.

Chad's fantasy was fufilled.

As i gave him my last drop, he looked up, spat something (dont even ask what it was) out f his mouth, and cupped my vagina with his mouth. He darted in and out of me- fucked me like his tongue was all he had. Sucked me hard, and flickred his tongue on my bump. I came over him. and peed on him all over again.

Pee on you???

"yes"
"like actually... " i paused, couldnt get myself to say the "U" word "urinate on you?"
"Yaa..."
"why? what pleasure do you get from that? that is disgusting!"
"i know. but i want it. i want you to pee on me in the tub"
sounded to me like this sick man had it all planned out
he continued..."why? wouldnt you do it?"
i thought for a minute... hell, it aint like i'm gettin peed on anyway, "sure"
"oh thats great... when?"
wtf- "someday"
and that was the 2nd silliest mistake i made with Chad. After that moment, he wouldnt let me pee in peace. Everytime i wanted to use the bathroom, he'd beg me to do it on me. He'd beg! it was pathetic watching an older (still didnt know just how old) grown man BEG for me to bless him with my urine (eww)!
it got really bad. so bad that i'd be holding my pee- not peeing because peeing became such an issue. He'd run after me, try to catch me in the washroom to pee on him. so i stopped peeing at Chad's house.

Chad, Chad, Chad... was a true freak.
Not only did he love pee... he loved skirts.
loved skirts enough to stalk.
ya.
stalk.

I had a routine of taking walks with Virgo after school.
Sometimes, before my last class was over, i'd look outside of the school, and see a red pontiac driving by, aimlessly around the school.
i lost counts of how many times i'd be waking home, and i'd hear the "click click"s of paparazzi Chad... as i see his red pontiac drive by.
Chad would take my picture without my consent, in public as i walked home or from school. He wouldnt say a word. Just drive by, take my pic and left. It was sick.
How did he know to come by there at that time? How did he know where i'd be? Wasnt he suposed to be at work? I was embarrassed. Virgo started to tease me about him even more.


Chad has many pics of me- that i dont even know of. He never showed me none of them.

My first night with Chad

we went over to his house.
from the outside, it was nice. clean ... hmm...
then he got out of the car...


Chad was a 6'4 slim dark skinned clean shaven low hair cut man.
he wasnt unattractive, but definitely wasnt my type.
I looked at him as he walked ahead of me- his head was quite big. But oh my word! did he ever have a big ass!
there was something else about him... something odd
i wish i had followed my instincts then, but i didnt want to believe it.
what was so "odd" about chad?
lol its a long story...

the house...
it was nice. clean... family home, uncluttered...
i should've known...

He got a movie- "The mummy returns" and we began to watch it
he turned the lights off, and we sat in a love seat
i still remember him stroking the back of my hand
sending spirals of electrolove down my spine
i didnt want him to stop
it felt too good

we got through the movie- hardly
by tthe end of it, we were on the couch, kissing (he was a wet kisser), touching , and damn near fuckin
but it didnt happen

but it almost did
and the rush
plus the juices that softens my vaginal area everytime i recall our experiences to my friends or even in my mind at school,
made me come back so that "it" would happen

On occasions, we would go there, and get into his bed
soon, i started asking more questions:

"whose room is that across from yours?"
my moms'
You live with your mom? ***rolling my eyes in disgust***
yes
how old are you?
27
what? hes 27? so flikin old! but thats the age group i wanted anyway! i was SO sure i was too grown for men my age! so... i peoceeded with the questionnaire...
do you have any kids?
yes
typical black man...

how many?
three
wtf! this man is hooked!
three? by thesame woman?
no
how many women?
two
are you married?
divorced
***long pause and a note to self to never get serious with this guy***

i see, so where's your mom?
at work
does she allow you to bring girls over?
i felt pathetic asking a grown man this, and even more pathetic that he answered it
she doesnt mind
okay

so we got into his bed, as usual... played around as usual... he played with my clit as usual, came down to my clit as usual, and licked delicately as usual.

No one has ever played with me like he did.
Chad placed a curse on me- sexually.

He asked:
whats your fantasy?
to be play raped... (still is)

i should have stopped there and never asked, but i was silly... so i did:

"whats yours?"

he told me... "i want you to pee on me"...

for a minute i thought i heard him wrong. But i didnt. "pee" is what he said.

***ogini? do wetin? u wan mek i urinate pon u? ewo! dis wan na were o!***

from that moment on, i knew Chad was a true freak...
and i was right.

Introducing... the man who started it all; Chad.

16 year old me, walking down the street with Virgo on our way from school
it was in the evening, and with us being so young and looking,
It was great when a red car (a car? definitely a plus!) pulled up next to us

This wasnt a suprise, afterall i have that "it"

you know what i mean by "it", right?
....
that "it" is the thing that makes you hear me even before you see me
you feel invincible waves of femininity hitting your senses before you encounter the being that is me
You, get to know that this thing you are about to encounter, is a woman... of... high... esteem!

Chad saw "it" in me.

He pulled over, said hi.
i knew he was talking to me, VIrgo simply stepped a foot behind.
Virgo and i had that understanding; we simply "knew who they were attracted to; even without being told. Chad wanted me. I felt it a mile away.
we talked i didnt want to waste time. i had better things to do...
he had a hot car, but i wasnt about to waste time with a convo.
i flirted, a little. then headed my way. he asked to have my number, but i refused.
"i'll call you if you give me yours"
and he did.
i shouldnt have taken the number.
i knew he was older, but i thought it was the perfect age for me.
the men around me didnt seem to "fit". i knew i wanted a matured man. But not as old as i eventually found out Chad was.

I didnt call Chad. and probably neve would have. Until the night i went home from school and realised i got locked out. I was cheesed. It was freezing cold! i stayed over at the neighbour's house and they made me a cup of hot chocolate. ut i felt uncomfortable. I felt like a burden.

"hmm... you know, that guy could come in handy now"
so i called him.
He picked me up in a jiffy...
and that was my first time really getting to "know" Chad.

What i want right now, Chad

is a man that can make me feel, want, need, crave, fukin love sex!
i want a man like Chad


Chad did that fo rme
he was my first
and at the time, he was twice my age
i was 16.

Chad would cme get me from my mom's house
late at night so no one could see
and i'd sneak out of the house
just to go meet Chad


tomorrow, i'll give a little more detail about me, and the man named Chad

Anbrose is a true wannabe

lol
i use to do this too
speak with accents i really didnt know of
just totally make up an accent (usually american) and start using it
so when i met Ambrose at a party a few months back
and he leaned in to my car to speak with me and my friends
and he started composing his words in such fake Amerian accents
i detected him like his words were smoke
i smelt the faux in his tone
i tasted the fraud in his style
and felt the fake in his accent


this man was a liar in his way

he tried too frigin hard

but i didnt think the girls in the car noticed, so i said nothing

then i saw him at another party a week later
we talked and exchanged numbers
hes been calling me off and on since then

i wonder what i'll do with Ambrose
i shouldnt have given him my number
he isnt my type
and
hes a splitting image of an ex of mine

Strangers only, welcomed

I have decided at least for now;
to only have my blog available to certain people
because i have noticed that some people who know me,
have managed to find their e-paths to my blog
and because sometimes, its hard to tell the truth
without hurting other people's feelings,
i think its best at least for now,
to make this place available only to me and maybe a few other people
that i really dont know...


so ya...
i'm only welcoming strangers

TBS and his new old car

so he got out of my bed
when i said i wouldnt have sex
he has to be at work at 7am
and now was the perfect time to decide he should leave
so he did. he left.
but i went downstairs with him so i could give him a boost since his car was being an arse
so ya, downstairs, the cable we had got destroyed (thats another long story)
so ya, we had to call acab to give us a boost.
he was upset that they charge $20.00 for boosts, considering a booster cable only costs about $15
I was mad too
i had encouraged him to get a bosster cable earlier
if he had listened, he wouldnt need to call a cab
but he didnt, so there we were
the cabbie man gave him a boost
and then we sat in my car and talked
he wanted to know what i want to do
i asked him what he wanted to do
he said he wanted to keep trying
i said i didnt know what to do
"i'm just tired. i dont have anymore faith. but its hard to let go"
we talked longer
the conversation got heated

soon, we were stiring up a big bowl of emotional salad
anger was the lettuce
love was the croutons
and bitterness was the bacon.
the salad dresing? ... indecisiveness.

i didnt know what to do.
i didnt want to decide, so i wouldnt have any regrets.
i told him he should've just left the situatuion as it was a few weeks ago when we broke up.
we should've never gotten back together.
he told me to sleep on it
and i told him he'll be waiting forever for an answer.
because quite frankly, i dont think i'll ever have a straight answer for him about this.


I texted NewYork to call me earlier today but he never did.
thats never happened before, so i guess he's upset.
he'd texted "call me tonight, pls?" to me yesterday but i was at my mom's house and my phone was dead. so i didnt receieve it till today.
if he doesnt call back again, i'll miss him.
but i'll also be glad because...
i really didnt need a new addiction right now anyway...
this might be the end of me and NewYork... stay tuned

TBS, is in my bed

and i cant seem to have sex with him
i dont feel for him what i use to
so there he is, in my bed
and i wont do it

I did something drastic on saturday.

something i tend to do every summer
makes me feel so free
makes me feel so beautiful
reminds me of just how eclectic i am
and just how much i spice the world up

i chopped off all my hair

and i'm loving it!

Troy's fingers at Lover's lane

I rememember Troy
He was some (about 13 years) older dreddie guy i was talking to years and years ago
Somehow i guess we were suppose to meet
He was for some reason meant to just graze through my life
why do i think so?
because i knew Troy, before i got to meet him.

Years ago, i had a male friend.
That friend use to call True-Blue; a telephone meeting service
i was young and curious
so when he told me about TrueBlue, i decided to check it out
i called in, and among others, spoke with a guy named "Mark". I took his number and called him private.
we talked, and talked, but i didnt take him nor any other guy there serious. afterall, it was over the phone. How was i to know who was for real and to be trusted? regardless, i saved his number.

But one day, i was on my way to work.
I was about to cross the street when i saw a guy in a an SUV. He stopped his car and asked if i wouldnt mind a ride.
I repied "sure" and climbed in the passenger side. I looked back and noted a boy in the back seat. He was as cute as ever. He also had the cutest name . "Miracle"
Miracle looked blankly at me. I wondered if i was stepping on his toes. I wondered if he thought i was trying to take his mother's spot. So as Troy continued to chat me up, i managed to confirm from him: him and Miracle's mother, werent together. whew!
He dropped me across town at my job, and i took his number. Then it happened!
As i went into my phone to save Troy's number, i typed it in, typed his name in, then hit "save" and my phone said "Number already exists, replace Mark with Troy?"
I was shocked!
I looked over at Troy in shock as I saved the number as Troy.That was odd. So that means Mark the guy i met on True Blue, is also Troy the guy i'm coincidentally meeting in person?! wow!what a small world!

I didnt use to give my numbers out back then so i refused when he asked for it. He seemed patient. Didnt push, simply said he'd wait for my call.
I called him days later.
We talked.
and talked some more.

Then i agreed to meet him again.
We went to a place that i've since named "Lover's Lane"

Lover's Lane is a shore off a beach.
About 20 kilometers away from where i now live,
there where lovers go
singles shouldnt dare tread it at sundown
because you'd see things that makes you yearn, wish, hope for company.

We went there late that night
very late.
and saw lall kinds of lovers
old lovers looking to rekindle the sparks
new lovers looking to discover the sparks
and mere strangers looking to just "spark" lol
they were all there, hidden in the trees, hidden behind the rocks, in the sands
and us- Troy and I, were sittin in the car... enjoying the erotic nature, of Lover's Lane.

Troy pointed out the people around us who were discretely having intercourse
i couldnt believe it!
this guy detected them all!

Then he proceeded to talk dirty to me
He asked me if i've ever been fingered
i replied "yes, but i dont really like it."
it was true. I prefered the real thing. Fingers really werent my favourites.
He tried to convince me that he's really good at it.

Now, at this point i was so wet!
i didnt exactly want to be fingered, neither did i want to have sex with Troy- i still felt like he was too much of a stranger. But the feelings i had for Troy, coupled with the hormones that were running through my body, made me stream a few gallons of wetness down between my thighs.
I watched as the conversation got more heated and he proceeded to run his fingers down my thighs.
I had a skirt on.
so it was easy for him.
He put his hand through my skirt and touched me.
he said "You're so wet"
i thought; sure, genious. like i really didnt know.
he asked "why do you say no when you're so wet?"
I didnt bother answering that silly question.
and then he did it!

I have never felt this before
and hes lucky he didnt go far enough
because his seats would've been permanently stained with my erotic juices
he fingered me like i never been fingered before
touched me in places i never knew were legal
and fondled my "thing" like he'd never have the chance again
he fingered me
and made my hall of fame
Best fingering i have ever had

then all of a sudden, i stopped him
i didnt come but i stopped him anyway
i stopped him because i was scared
what was i scared of?
him.
Troy knew a little too much.
How did he know about Lover's Lane?
How was he able to tell that those people were having sex?
How did he get to learn and master the art of fingering so well?
I got nervous.
Like Monica said, I didnt want to be just another name in his little black book.
besides;
i was afraid Troy would do it so good, i'll never let him go.
and i didnt want to keep Tony. He was too old for me to date.
so i said "drop me home"
and he did
and i never saw, nor call Troy again.
that was the end of me and Troy.

TBS told me...

a few days ago that he'll be moving
no, not to the next town
no, not to the next city,
no not to the next state
but to a few states away

i asked why and he said because it'll be easier to find a job there

i knew right then that this was it
if he left, i wouldnt have any more contacts with him
after so many years, it'd befinally over

but today, he told me he got a job

so he'll be staying.

but heres the drama of the day.

he went out last weekend with an old friend- Kramer
Kramer is a guy he's been friends with for ages
Kramer knows about me
we all use to hang out. I like Kramer
I always thought he was one of TBS's better friends

anyway so when they went out, TBS met a girl
he got the girl's number, and that was it

he later called me today to tell me all of this
for bloggin sake, we'll name the girl "The girl in yellow"

TBS: i gave a girl my number last weekened when i was out with Kramer
Truth: ya? ok.
TBS: *laughs* she knows you
Truth: WHAT?! who is she? whats her name?
TBS: i dont know her name. but when i was talking to her on the phone, she said she knows you and she said your name and she said she recognized me from a picture you put on on Facebook.

its true, i did have his picture on facebook. Its a picture we'd taken a last valentines' day.

Truth: what the fuck do you mean you dont know her name?
TBS: i dont remember her name
Truth: well, whats her number
TBS: (783) 893-2748
Truth: ok *hangs up*

i called the number, with my number blocked and got the answering machne. i can tell by the girl's voice that shes from a similar background. I couldnt tell who it was. i was killin myself just wondering
Imagine the embarrassment! no one knows him and i broke up and now, EVERYNE will think he's cheating on me! i was so upset! i went to Facebook and immidiately deleted the picture we had. i couldnt believe it.
then he called back
TBS: im at your door. can you please open the door?"

My weekend away

been a while since my last entry.
ok, so this weekend, i went away for a day (overnight) to another city
went partying there with my good friend Nat
at the club, i saw a few familiar faces...
we didnt dance
we were just there, laughing at the funny looking people, admirng the amazing dancers, and drinkin up a storm (well... at least, i was)
we didnt dance
but we had fun

at the club, i got a text from TBS-
"i wanna do you"

i laughed and replied...
"i'm not in town"

he texted
"call me"

and then my battery died.

i spoke with NewYork... we plan to meet soon in some city... where neither one of us lived.
He'll book a place for us at the Hiltons...
we'll see if we ever do meet.
stay tuned

Adiction is a bi**tch

Here i am at work, blogging
anyone ever heard of Bloggaholic Annonymous?

dang!

i have a dead line for my job for a big assignment today and i still havent done it. just woke up! better get to it

NewYork is 43

By the way, a lil update about NewYork
he called earlier today as he'd promised
i was at the doctors' when he did
we talked and talked, then i had to go
i told him i'd call him back but didnt get a chance to
he then sent me a text wishing me a good day

I spoke with Dimples about him at work
supposedly, him and Dimples' sister use to talk
which is kind of odd because the way he got to see my pic was ...

Dimples' sister was at his house,
Dimples sent some pics to her sister,
Dimples' sister opened the email with the pic from NY's computer
he saw the pic and said he wanted to fly me into NY to see him

I have seen the pic
and it looks NOTHIN like me
now i'm in a dillemma
i cant let the guy come here to meet that girl he saw
because although that girl was me
She doesnt look like the real me...
now what do i do?

Also i was disturbed that he was once talking to Dimples' sister
and didnt care enough to respect her by not asking Dimples to hook us up
that bothers me

ALSO... i hear hes actually about 43. i knew he had lied.
I wouldnt have cared about the age.
but the lie
the lie
lies
that i have issues with
how does a man who tells lies, get with Truth?

AND i hear hes a big spender on ladies...
hmmm......

and hes never been married.
neither has he had kids.
and hes loaded...

i really dont know if this'll go anywhere.

Jack Jean-Maygne, its over

I saw this boy walking in the hallway
I couldnt believe it
I knew it was him
I had worked here for 3 years and never had i seen him come there!
and although i knew i looked like shit
i couldnt help it
i had to say hi to Jack

"Jack?" i called out. It seemed like it took 2 years before he looked back and saw me.
"oh my god! wassup?"
"nothin... your mom works here, right?"
"ya how'd you know?"
by word was he ever handsome? i looked around and wondered if my coworkers and clients could tell that i was blushing. i wondered if he could tell... i wondered if he remembered that night...

High school days...

Jack called me over to his place
he looked worried. he came in the back of his house and asked me if i knew what a big dick looked like.
i said "sure"... "of course" ... i wasnt sure but i couldnt show my uncertainty. He thought i knew everything. i didnt want to disappoint him.

"okay, i wonder if i'm big or just normal"
"whoop it out. lemme see..." i said boldly "i'll tell you what size you are"
"no just feel it"
he pulled his baggy pants down a little. well enough for me to see his BULGE.
he then pulled his boxers out by its waist. At this moment, i cursed the night shadows for hiding his dick. i couldnt see it. But i would feel it.

I dip'd my right hand into his boxer, and felt the biggest largest dick i have ever felt.
i couldnt believe he was bigger than my man. I mean... he was only a BOY! i was dating a full grown man! I cursed myself for not being his girl... and then i remembered i still had my hand down his pants and immediately, retratcted it.
I looked up to his face to see him searching my eyes for an answer.
i told him the truth
"you're pretty big"
"really? you think so?"
"ya, quite big"
he was happy. i ran home.
he called me later to make me promise never to tell anyone i touched his dick.
i promised.
and now,
i'm breaking that promise.

why?

Because its over between me and Jean.
when he came in today i saw the crush i had.
i saw the many times i called Jack.
The many times i was told he isnt home, and the many times he never returned my calls.
I saw the night i saw him with a white girl at a festival.
i was looking smashing!
He hardly said hi.
Henry was also there.
He huged me, and gave me a warm "where you been?"
But the girl jack was with.... she didnt look right.
she was tall, white and sleezy
what was he doing with her?

He once came over to my house and had to jump over the fence barefooted to hide at the next door neighbour's fence just because my mom had walked into the house.
My mom probably suspected something anyway since he left his shoes at the front door.
i remember how i fet so sorry for him because he had just returned from the hospital- he had to have an abdominal surgery. i remember how much i appologised when he said my neighbour saw him and freaked out at him.
I remember how much i wanted him.

...And how much he wanted my friend; Niki.
he wanted her, but couldnt have her.
she belonegd to a social class that he could only dream of.
i remembered being his ticket to his freedom out of the social class he was in.
he had taken pics that i had circulated around the school- these pics showed just how hot he was.
lots of girls saw the pics and said
"is that Jack?"
"thats Jack? are you kidding me? hes so cute!"

i remember me telling him what the girls were saying. and i remember watching him blush every single time.

so tonight when i said
"oh, jack give me a minute..." as i returned to my duties,
and he replied "okay"
i shouldnt have been suprised.
but i was.
i was suprised to realise that Jack didnt wait.
When i went to say hi to his mom (but i really just wanted to see Jack),
he had left.

so me and jack, ... we're over.
jack never saw what i had for him.
he was my best friend.
my first guy friend.
i would have done so much for him.
the longest crush i ever had.
but it didnt matter
because, he never even knew.

Remembering... Jack Jean-Maygne

Jack...
ohhh jack...
Jack is a friend i met at school
i had just transffered to a new high school
and i had seen Jack around the school
but Jack didnt catch my eye
neither did anyone else really
I was battling my own troubles,
enough to make me blind to the men around me

But jack
ohhh jack...
Jack started talking to me at school.
When he noticed i lived up the street from him
i'd bump into him on my way from school
and he had such a sweet smile
and although he wasnt one of the popular boys
i saw his beauty
he was so fine
i saw Jack.

But Jack didnt see me.
or did he?

Jack had a childhood friend named Henry. They were like twins. I had a thing for him too. Didnt dare tell anyone. didnt wanna ruin the friendship between us.

But i should have. Because a mutual friend later told me years after graduation that his twin had the bggest crush on me, but he couldnt tell me ... aint dat sad? i saw him a year ago at the local movie theatre. he didnt look thesame. he also didnt care thesame. said "hi" to me like i wasnt nothing. so i replied "how are you?" to him like he was almost forgotten. thats the end of the story of me, and Henry.

At this time when i knew Jack and Henry, they were friends with my female friends in school. I was dating a much older photographer, and he had taken some nude professional (reaaally nice) pics of me. I being the daring silly shameless girl that i can sometimes be, decided to bring the pics to school, and show them to these friends. They werent my friends for real. They passed the pics onto Jack and Henry. I was upset and disappointed. I ran after Jack and Henry, embarrassed and desperate to recover the pics before they too disappoint me, by showing the pics to other people. They didnt.

They called me aside, asked me to catch ma breath (it was strenuous running after the two guys), and simply asked questions about who took them, when and similar Qns. They complimented me (boys will be boys), and asked if they could have copies (again, boys will be boys). i refused blatantly. They gave up, returned my pics and that was it.

But our friendship continued.
I and Jean got closer. He'd confront me about his girls (which was hard since i wanted him), which were usually light skinned (usually not black), long hair, skinny, pretty, chicks... i knew i wasnt his type. I'd always give him honest advises and my advises always worked. He even went as far as recommending Henry to speak with me when he had "girl issues". It was cool.

I liked them both.

Jack for his skin tone, his pretty face, and his height.
Henry had the charisma. Oh ma gawd! he was so sweet.
Henry had the ability to make me laugh till my ribs ached.
He never said it, but i knew Jack envied Henry for this because
Although Henry was obese, he had girls wanting him
because he had that "thing"... he was charismic
Together, they were perfect.
And I was in love.

The Horny Truth

My bed is wet
so are my thighs and between my legs
theres an ocean streaming
from inside of me

I am so wet

i need help. I have never been this horny in my life.
these days, i just am constantly horny!
i havent been able to sleep since yesterday. been playing with myself all night
and its really odd. I'm not usually like this!

and even if i'd masturbate
i dont use my fingers. I usually find it disgusting.
but tonight is different. my fingers did the whole job and my word! was it ever good
i have had 4 orgasms in the last 6 hours

yes, i've been at this for 6 hours, thanks to shark.sexyandfunny.com ... i love animated porn!

i called TBS up about 5minutes ago
i wanted to hear a man's voice
i got the urge to tell him how horny i feel
it didn help
he was too sleepy to care
so i let him go


'm starvin now
i worked up such an appetite, thank God i cooked ladt night
ttyl

NewYork

I was busy cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen about an hour ago
when my phone rang.
it was Dimples.
she asked how my tongue was and i told her i hada fever earlier and i had a headache
she laughed at me and said "theres this guy that wants to talk to you and hes on the phone"
i failed to hear her. i didnt believe her
or maybe i thought she was kidding
i just continued talking about my swollen tongue
she repeated herself twice before i figured i'd better shut up

i said "are you kidding me? you couldnt tell me before?"
she laughed "i was talking to my sister in Newyork and her friend saw your picture and he said he wanted to talk to you... Ben? are you there?"
and then he replied.

"yes, i'm here, hi, you're so beautiful, whats your name?"
i thought... is he talking to me? i was a little nervous
"my name is Truth"
"hi Truth, I'm NewYork, nice to meet you"
"nice to meet you too... NewYork"

we talked for a while - all three of us
he is 35. no kids. never married. real estate agent. ex DJ. African American.
he asked if i had a child., we talked some more.
he made it known- he was madly in love with my pic.

i told him i didnt look like that everyday. and the pic was too nice to depict my true image. but he wouldnt hear me. he asked if he could send me a ticket to see him. He asked if he could come down to meet me. He asked if he could have my number and email address.
I replied yes to all.

He called me 30minutes later. we talked, but i dont believe smethings about him. He said he'll get his passport in a few days and come down to my country (where i live) and i'd have to pick him up at the airport. I said "sure".
as we were talking, TBS called. i put NewYork on hold as i lied to TBS that i was on the other line with my sister. i lied. he bought it. i got back on the phone with NewYork.
when i asked him to send me a pic, he said he'd have to get a scanner at work tomorrow to scan some pics and send me them. i asked if he could take one with his phone and send it to me... he first said he couldnt, then said he didnt want to because he didnt want to send a bed pic.
we concluded with him saying he will call me tomorrow, before AND after i finish work.

he sounds nice.
he sounds untrue
he sounds unreal

NewYork is a new man that just made my list.

Introducing... my immediate sister, Ambition

I want to buy a house, a townhouse Or a condo
but my word IS IT EVER HARD!
i dont know if it'll happen
but i really think its time

i called Ambition to ask if she'd like to buy it together
she mentioned "no, because buying a house and then selling it in less than a year makes you lose money on it" she had a point, but i still didnt get it
she continued "and when you get married, you have to sell it"
by "you", she was refering to herself
so i wonder...
is Ambition getting married soon?

My night with Tyree

the man that was to be my second
was this jamaican guy that i met through a friend
we went clubbin with him
me, my friend (Latonya), him (Tyreee) and my friend's man (Greg)
and then retired to a motel
we were young
but the men were older

i remember hating the mootel mattress
i couldnt help but wonder hw many whores had made love in that bed
and now, there i was, with this man
that i didnt even like

my friedn pressured me there
because she wanted to go there with her man
but since the men drve
i couldnt get home til they were done
so there we were
the two of them in another room,
me, and the guy in another room.

his dick was out of his pants
he looked ridiculous as he kept trying to sex me
kept telling me
"no i wont put it in" "just the head, please?"
"dont make noise! they'll think we dont like each other"
he had a funny way of thinking
he didnt appear intelligent at all

He kept trying
he almost got the head in, or did he?
but i gave him a good jolt!
pushed him far enough to stagger, from the bed, onto his feet!
then in no time at all
he'd moved south of the border
and had his head between my thighs
thank God for years of playing track and field
or my thigh muscles wouldnt have been strong enough
to fight him off
but he did come close
close enough to feel my wetness
close enough to lick my vag
and even though he had to lick through my panty
and probably had the taste of cotton
he didnt care
he was so sure, he was gettin in
i eventually got sick of the whole mess
got up
sat up on the chair
and waited till my friend was done
because i wasnt exactly feeling Tyreee
the jamaican boy with the braided hair



years later
i heard about Tyreee. He was in jail
he had attempted to rob Greg at his home
at gun point
no he didnt have a mask on
he was that stupid

He was a true idiot

although hes out of jail
i wouldnt recognize him if i saw him
because although Tyreee almost sorta made a name for himself in my history,
he didnt leave enough impression for me to
remember what he looked like.

I deleted Lee's number

i felt like i had to
since he has never dialed my number
i was always the one to call him
and the last time i called him
about 10 minutes ago
he was smoking weed
which isnt exactly my thing
and worst of it all,
he said he was at a friend's house
and would have to call me back

but loneliness is a web
it clouds your judgement
and desperation is a drug
its hard not to succumb to its push
so as much as i'd like to meet someone new
I know i better not addict myself to
this new drug
named Lee.

He Slept Over (2)

He slept until the middle of the night.
When my labia started to feel really good
i knew what the ffeling was
but was too sleepy to fight it
i was in a role play
and i was the meal
i wonder if its because i was really horny
or because i hadnt had a good cum in a while
or because he did it even better than he usually would
i wonder...
but oh my Word!
it was good
he licked ma fav. spots
the forgotten creases together with the erogenous hump
he licked it all
and i came.

it wasnt until then that i finally realised- "oh boy!"
yap! i came! so guess who's turn it is to "come"?
he crept behind me "as usual"
and massaged my butt with his dick
and i stopped him
and this went on for aboout 5 minutes
he kept trying
and i (still half-asleep,) kept stopping him
and then he sat up and with that stressed look on his face, expressed his frustraton with me that nothing has changed
see, the thing is; i'm the type to cum and sleep
but hes been ood at keeping me awake after cumin by simply getting into me
thats usually the trick
BUT since he has been refusing to use a condom lately,
and i've been refusing to have sex without a condom,
th routine as been modified to first,
I cum, he plays with himself and ejaculates, we all pretend we're happy
then it got modified even further to
he plays with himself and ejaculates, we all pretend we're happy
and since a couple of days ago, it got modified even further to
i use ma vibrator and cum
so thats how its been.

So yesterday when he got upset (or was it this mornin?), i told him (which was really hard to do with ma mouth full of drool and ma tongue in the way) he needs to camlm down
He did
i started to touch him
not sexually
and i appologised (because i know how horny that gets him)
i could tell he was limp
because my knee was on his stomach and i still couldnt feel his dick
he tried to kiss me
but i stopped him (i cant kiss anyone right now)
i pushed my knee down his crotch
and held his semi-hard dick with the corner-spot at back of my knee
and with that, he got rock hard
i then proceeded to play with his dick
up
down
up
down
then
updownuodownupdownupdown
and watched him gasp for air like 02 was scarce
he flinched and shivered
and then
he came
and oh my Word
i dont think i've ever seen him cum so much
then i went into the shower
and washed off my hands
and he got into the shower
and showered
and we were happy'
and in the back of my min, i thought: 'does he think we're together"?
but i didnt dare ask
i didnt want to deal with the reality; whatever that is

we went back to sleep
and then i woke up to his hands on my breasts this morning
faught him off for a lil while
then i gave up
then i tried again
and it worked

he jerked off
and came (a lot again)
and got cleaned up
got his stuff
and left

that was my night

He Slept Over (1)

yesterday was an eventful day for me.
i met up with my co-worker,
we'll name her "Dimples"
she is really beautiful
in a lot of ways
shes similar to me
because shes true
she'll be honestb with you
to the best of her knowledge
i like Dimples

But Dimples has been thru some rough times
And like me,
she maintains her "image" regardless
she looks well, and collected
but really, shes breaking apart at the seams
She has a son
about 7yo
she also was married
and still is
but now seperated
she owns a house shes mortgaging
and the likes (Car, etc)
her home is beautiful
clean., neat and well decor'd
but shes seperated
now she must go to court just so she can sell her house without her husband's signatureb and hopefully, move to a smaller spot (like a condo) with her lil man (her son- we'll name him "Pretty" )
did i mention shes only about 26yo?

anyway., so we met up yesterday
i met her at her daddy's house (her dad is so nice)
and first her dad took us for a ride in my car (because he loves the model of my car)
and then Dimples and I went to the mall
we got our nails done
we got our labrets pierced
we got our tongues pierced
we went to this store that we stumbled upon
and they had the nicest stuff on sale
i mean SALEEE!
we went in there and found mossimo shoes for $7
and a few other things
i ened up leaving there with about:
7 bracelets,
12 necklaces,
a top (that i vow to wear as a dress )
and a mossimo sandal

all for i think about $50!

Joke of the day: i went into the change room to try a short white skirt on.

The skirt was size 0 i use to be a 0 a few years ago so i thought i could still fit and anyway i thought to try it on and as i pulled it up on my big thighs

the skiirt went "zip!"

and i thought "zip?"

and the skirt replied "zip!!!"

and i looked down and thought "oohhhhhh! zippppp!"

and realised the skirt had ripped all the way down the front i was shocked! i called Dimples in to the room

"Dimples! oh, u gotta see this skirt! its sooo nice!"

she came into the room and i showed it to her being the calm colected down to hood girl Dimples is, she laughed but didnt LOL she laughed without making a sound at all and simply replied

"ohhhh! thats sooo nice" snickered "you should get it"

"oh but i dont have enough money, so i wont" i said

"ok, just take it off and i'll put it back for you" she then whispered "ok, you take it off and put it back and i'll distract her" lol @ teamwork

anyway so that was that
by the end of the night, we had both disverginned our tongues and underlips!
AND i was suppose to get a tattoo, but that never happened because i ran out of money
spent about $300 already today ( i mean yesterday)
anyway, that was my day
and we went to the mall once
and at the mall, as i was closin my trunk
i heard a guy hollering
i looked bac and it was this black guy in some car
and being the flirtatious chick that i am
i simply held my index finger up
and said
"come're"
witht that said, i got back in the car
and had a good laugh with Dimples as we watched him go turn his car around to get to us
i said "whats ur name"
he replied "Lee"
i said "whats ur number?"
he replied "234-5769456"
i replied "okay, i'll call you in a minute" and without one more word, i got back into my car and left.
And like i said i would, called him right when i got in the car
i told him, "theres my number, ... where do you live?"
he told me where he lived and i couldnt believe it! he lives in the nice condo next to mine!
with that said, i knew this was good!
i got off the phone with him, and went on my way.
i went over to mom's house - i hadnt seen her in about 2months!
for the first 5 minutes, her eyes were glued to my face! she was disgusted with my piercings!
She mentioned something aboiut the piercing not being "right" by God
and i asked her if her bible says its okay to have ur ears piserced but not your labret
and since she has her ears pierced, she simply ignored the question.
i love my mother
i love her to death.
she'll be 60 soon.
i asked her what shes doin for her birthday
she replied "i was going to have a party but i know you guys are all having hard times financially since most of you guys are in school. so i wont bother with it. its better to have nothing at all that something that isnt worthy. thats okay, another year will be better"
and yesterday night, i decided to donate $1000 to her birthday party
that is yet to be planned.

I love you ma.
love you so much.

so i guess i better call up ma siblings soon so i can start plannin dat party!

and like the daughter that i am, i packed some food from her place
and got some skin care products (she always stocks up on them)
i also showed her the items i bought earlier
ans she was impressed
but i didnt give her any
because my mom is a junk collector
so ya,... she already has enough junk
she'd never use them

As i was over there, i got a pic of my nephew and i ( i later clipped it onto the refridgerator when i got home)
my mom had them printed
they are so nice!
my nephew looks so much like my sis
but ya... i'll tell you something(s) about that later
so anyway, i got a call from TBS
he would like to come over
i said "sure"
we'd meet at my place

on my way to my place, i called Lee up

we talked

he has a daughter who was supposedly in the car when we met earlier but i hadnt seen her

shes 7.

more info later. i told him i'd call him back, but i havent.

but being the down to earth honest girl that i wam, i told him its nice to finally meet a guy around here... i wonder if thats a bad idea but its been done.

I met TBs at my place. And got a call from "Shortest-Engine" almost immediately.
I told SE i had to call him back but it fell on deaf ears. he kept asking me "when are we going to meet?" "do you want to go out today?" "can we go to ...." bla bla bla bla bla!

he is sooo persistent! (not in a good way)

anyway, i told him i'd call him back (numerous times, and he finally heard!)
but havent.

and since i just called in sick to work (because ma damn tongue wont lemme speak and i just keep drooling!), i just might call him up and finally do something with him!

anyway, back to the story- I tried to have supper last night
it took me 4 hours!
my tongue kept stinging
and i went through about 8 glasses of ice cold water!
and anyway, i wnt to bed
and we were fine
and he was harder than any rock
and i was horny
but not enough to fuck him
so i went to sleep.
and so did he.

Desire...

i desire
my figers'a itchin
and i desire
just a minute ago
got the littlest urge
to feel
and mingle
and be
attracted
to another man
of my dreams
desiree....

The Breakup Continues

I think hes going through shock
Hes finally single and like a baby born into a new world,
he is panicking
crying
hoping to get back to that familiar home he calls "baby"
I am not able to give him that
not because i dont want to be with someone
but because i know that that someone is either Not him,
or Not him-now

so instead of saing "yes",
i said "i'll think about it"
and when he asked if he could come over,
i said 'hell na"
and when he questioned it
i said
"because when we were together, the sex died, so i really dont know what you could be comin up to ma place for at 10pm at night!"
"because it sho as hell cant be the sex! that died long time!"

i agreed to have him over since he said he cooked
i definitely am a sucker for food
but then he couldnt come for another reason
and i knew in ma mind he'd passed up YET another great chance
tomorrow, i'll have someone else on my mind
and it wont be him.
ttyl

WE ended it (2)

continuing...

So as i told him to wait, i went over to my PC, covered the screen with one hand as i closed the page with the other.
he got suspicious and asked why i did that and i simply explained to him... "its my webpage, i want it to remain known to me andonly me. i want it to remain annonymously mine. if i know that you know the page, then i cant use the page anymore" "its my therapy..."

he didnt buy this (even though it was the truth), he figured theres something there i had to hide.
he was right.
but so was i.
i didnt want him seeing one of the posts i had there. there are more than one posts there about him but theres one that i Really dont want him to view.
i really did use my old blog for therapy. if he knew my blog address, then how can i be true about what i post there, without considering his feelings?

he started to explain that he didnt like that i closed it, that i didnt want him to see it
Me: u're paranoid man
JC: its just like at work, you know... when ppl start saying something and the moment you walk into the room, they stop. you know its about you. i know what you have there is about me.
Me: i have told you that yes, some of the things on it are about you, but its nothing i mind you seeing. i just simply dont want yo knowing my blog address. so how about this; i'll go on my blog, change my blog address and name and all that, and then allo you to navigate through it all you want. then when you're done, i'll change it back to its usual name. that way, you wont have to worry about it anymore, AND my address remains safe from you.
JC: (no answer)
Me: ooookayyyyyyyy
JC: its also like when you're at work, and ppl start speaking a different language just because you're there...
Me: i dont blame people for speaking different languages sometimes. i mean, i shouldnt have to give up on my language just because i'm in a different language.
JC: so what are you doing here then? (i.e what are u doing in canada...)
Me: (long pause) (yells:) you're one ignorant motherfucker! YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE I CAME TO ANOTHER COUNTRY MEANS I SHOULD FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM? YOU SHOULD TELL THAT TO UR MOTHER WHO SPEAKS PATOIS EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS! WHY NOT ASK HER TO GO BACK TO JAMAICA EVERYTIME SHE SPEAKS PATOIS?!
JC: starts to prance around the room looking for his belongings, starts to detach my key from his bunch of keys(he had a copy of my condo keys)
Me: ya, u can leave that on the table
JC: left the key on the vanity set, and walked out

by the way, did you notice how the conversation tansited from the pc issue, the trust issue to the work issue and then the ignorance issue? we started with one topic and ended with another.

he called an hour and a half later...
Me: hello?
JC: yes. i dont know, i'm not happy with you. i know this isnt going anywhere
Me: well i think we both know its been over for a long while now
JC: yes, its been over
long unncesary talk.... then
Me: okay, bye
JC: bye

i got off the phone, started this blog, then called up the most unlikely suitor i know (i'll tell you about him later), just to pass time and maybe, remind myself that i'm still wanted by a man (regardless how unattractive the man is)

He called back

"I'm not happy with you, i'm really not. but I'd rather be unhappy with you, than be unhappy with someone else"

he called me a minute ago to tell me this.

i didnt recognize the number (because i had deleted his contacts from my phone yesterday) so i picked the phone up.. but then again, i probably would have answered the call anyway.
I picked up the phone, only for him to tell me in a few long sentences that he wants to be back with me, even though he isnt happy with me.

why?

why would i want to be with someone i'm not happy with?
whats the point? i know if i'm not happy with him, my eyes will wander. i know i'll look for a new boufriend. i know i'll cheat (i've never really done this before anyway... well once, but not really). so why subject myself to that in the first place?

this is the least i've felt for him. i usually want him back. but now i dont. i dont want to be in that relationship where i would cheat on my boyfriend. Or maybe i should. maybe i need to do that; be with him, try other men at the side, and hopefully wnjoy life that way. i'm lost.
my phone got disconnected as we were talkin, so i'll cal him back.

WE ended it

my boyfriend came over a few hours ago
he had said he'd be over here
but he came about 10 hours after he'd previously said
that bothered me
but i got over it because i understood that he had other things to do
what i didnt understand was
why he acts all funny


i know he has a mental illness

i know he does
being the expereinced depressive chic that i am
and being the mental illness fanatic that i am
i know that he has a mental illness
why?
because he thinks
and no i dont mean "think" as in... "oh, hes such a great thinker!"
i mean think as in
24hrs, constantly tryna make sense of things even though its nothin, til it becomes something...
that kind of a thinker


but he doesnt understand that he needs help

and what is can u do with a thirsty horse but take it to a river?

if i suggest you see a shrink and you refuse, what can i do?
nothing.
so i did nothing but put up with ur shit

but anyway, he came over today, we kissed as usual
not the kind of kissin we use to have
the kind that use to make me shiver
that;d send 350volts of energy down ma spine

but the kind that we do just to prove to the world that... we're still in love
the kind we do just to catch each other in that moment that we're maybe not feelin the other anymore
do you know what i mean?
the kind of "peck" you give so the other person doesnt think that you dont like them anymore...
thats what kind of kiss we had

i got into ma bed
and you did thesame
we talked about your car, about silly little things that i dont remember
then you got up, wanted to use my pc
but knowing that i had ma webpage open, i told you to "wait a minute"
as i wanted to close ma webpage

and of course
being the psychotic naive idiot that you are, you got a ll paranoid and decided to wonder why i did that


To be continued...